"Heaven holds a sense of wonder"
Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?
I'm scared and I'm alone I'm shamed and I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me"
("Damaged", by Plumb)
Chapter IV Giving up fighting
Hermiones POV
Today I can´t even remember what happened after the Aurors came. I was too confused, too hurt to think clearly.
The only thing I remember is Percy, he told me that everything was over now and I was safe. He lied, perhaps I was safe from Malfoy, but not from my thoughts.
They still haunt me.
Every night I see Oliver, hanging in the air and peaceful face when he was hit my Malfoys curse. And I hear my daughter scream, I see the pain in her sweet face.
Every night in my dreams I see her. She just looks at me and in her eyes I can see the reproach and the questions.
Why I wasn´t able to protect her, why I let him cause her pain, kill her and her daddy. I still don´t know the answers. I probably never will.
I feel lost, and alone. Although Malfoy didn´t kill me, my life is over. Like Percy said, every is over.
My life is empty, a black hole. Absorbing the light, but staying dark.
When I stand in the sun, I can´t feel it on my skin, I just see it, but I still feel cold. Nothing can warm me.
After the attack, I packed my bags and moved away. There was nothing worth to stay for. I moved to London. A big city, with a lot of people, so I would just be one of a lot.
No one would notice that I was broken and damaged. I still am.
Everyday I ask myself the same question. Why the hell do I live? What did I do to survive? Why didn´t Lily survive? Why not Oliver? Why the fuck did I have to survive and not Harry?
He was the hero, not me. Why did Ginny die? She was a good girl, she was braver than me, so why did she had to die?
And Ron, what about him? Sure, he had fought in the war, but he was just a normal guy. Lavender, she never had anything to do with the war. She had been in Africa during the "big war". But she was killed by a former soldier.
For Voldemort it changed nothing if they were alive or not. But for me, it changed my entire world. I am nothing without them. They were my life, the persons that gave sense to my life. But they are dead now, and I am not.
I miss them terrible, all of them. I wished I could have told them how much I loved them. How much they mean to me.
I wished I could have seen Harry and Ron one last time. Just to make sure that they know how much I love them.
Did they knew? Did they knew that they were one of the most important things in my life?
And Lily, I remember the pain in her eyes. In her last moments she learned a truth that I didn´t wanted her to know until she was grown up. Her Mommy couldn't protect her from the world.
I failed, I let her die, I let him kill my little daughter and I stood next to him, not being able to help her.
Oliver was the only one who knew what I felt for him and it was the truth. When I said I loved him more than my life, I didn´t lie.
But they are gone, and I am still here.
All this is now almost three years ago.
And nobody, except me knows what had happened to me. No one knows that I am empty inside. But I try to hide it.
For everybody outside I am Felicitas Hewitt. I work in a bookshop and I am single.
The fake ID I got from Percy, he is the only one who knows that I´m alive.
He told the others I would have killed myself after the tragedy. He thinks with a faked ID life would be easier for me.
The attack had been in the newspapers, the wizard world was shocked, but soon Fudge was able to make them believe that it was just an accident, just some crazy guys who wanted to play Death-Eaters.
And it was bad luck for all those who were killed.
He is a damn liar. Just Dumbledore and the Order know that it is not the truth. So they prepared for a last war.
A last war to defeat Voldemort finally. Percy told her everything about the secret meetings, Dumbeldore thought that it would be a good chance, for three was a magical number. Perhaps it could useful.
But a big part of the Order was shocked, for almost all of them new about the prophecy. Just one, Harry or Voldemort could live. And Harry Potter wasn´t alive.
I don´t know if I have the strength to fight another fight against Voldemort and his fellows.
I lost to much, I have nothing that gives me strength, nothing that is worth fighting for.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* four months later *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione was woken up by the annoying "RINGRINGRING" of her alarm clock. She hated that sound.
It meant that it was another morning, another day with a shining sun in her grey world. A world that took no notice of her mood. Which was usually not that good.
She was kind of depressed. But no one noticed. But how should they do? She was friendly to the people around her, smiled at customers and she was never late.
So how should you notice that a young woman, is depressed when she doesn´t show it?
Hermione stood up and made herself ready for work. She liked her work. It was an old bookshop, with shelves up to the ceiling, in the whole shop it smelled of old books and the air was a bit dusty.
When the sun shined in, Hermione could see the little particles flying around like fairies.
She also liked her employer. He was an old man with white messy hair. He told her stories about the time when he was young and his adventures in the muggle wars.
When she got dressed she walked the few streets down to the shop. It was called "Middleearth" for Mr. Stamp was a admirer from Tolkien´s "The lord of the rings".
So he named his bookshop like this enchanting world. Hermione liked the book as well, as much as she liked almost all books.
"Morning Fee." Mr. Stamp called her always Fee. He had been in Germany for a long time, and her had explained to her that "Fee" means "fairy" in German.
An Mr. Stamp ´s opinion was that she looked like one when she sat there between the books.
"Morning, Mr. Stamp."
"Fee, how often do I have to tell you to call me Willy, instead of that formal Mr. Stamp."
"ok, Willy, it is just hard for me to remember it." Hermione smiled. She liked Willy very much.
"So what do I have to do today?"
"Oh, good that you ask. We got a few new books in here and you have to sort them. And after that I´d like you to do me a favour. But I´ll tell you as soon as you are finished with the books."
"Okay, tell me just where they are."
********************
Hermione loved the smell of books. Books were her home since she had lost hers.
"Willy," Hermione asked.
"What?"
"have you thought of my idea, I mean the one that you could buy old books from people and sell them? It would be good for the shop to have a few more things to sell."
"Yeah, I thought about it, and I think it may be a good idea. If you don´t mind, you could write a little poster and put it on the door, so passing people can see it."
Hermione groaned.
"Ok, I´ll do it. But just because I want to keep the job. And if the shop is closed, I won´t."
But Willy didn´t listen he was to occupied with sorting books and just looking at them.
So when Hermione was done, she decided to make a break and take a little walk.
When she was outside she breathed the cold air. She loved London. This city was almost perfect for her.
A lot of people, and nothing that could remind her of Lily and Oliver. After three years she has learned to deal with the pain.
But sometimes it still came out. And them she felt so lost.
No, don´t think your sad thoughts again. You have to go on living.But is it right? If I just go on?You have too, you have to live, you are still young, so enjoy your life again. It won´t hurt you or Lily or Oliver.
"Oh, sorry, Mme."
Hermione felt a sharp pain and when she looked around, she saw that she had fallen on the ground. A man stand over her, stretching out a hand to help her up.
With a hand she pulled her hair out of her face. She lifted her head and just wanted to take the hand. When the man dropped it and just stared at her.
"Hermione?"
She looked up. No one has called her like this since a long time. Not even Percy. He knew that it caused too much pain in her.
"Is it really you, Hermione?"
The voice of the man was husky and he seemed to be shaking.
She looked closer at him. She knew this face. The hair had been brown with just a bit grey, now it was the opposite. Just a bit brown and much more grey.
"Remus? Remus Lupin?"
The man above her just nodded. Hermione believed to see a tear in the corner of his eyes.
"Yes, it is me. I never thought I would see you again. I thought you were dead!"
"In some way I probably am." She smiled sadly.
"Hermione, what do you mean?"
"Nothing special. I just mean that talking, in the middle of London about very serious subjects is never safe."
"Oh sorry, I forgot." Remus helped her up. He looked at her confused.
"May I ask you something?"
"Ask," Hermione replied. She was curious what her former DADA teacher wanted to tell her. For he seemed very nervous.
"Are you free now? I´d like to take you to the Order. To show them that you are alive would give a lot of them new strength. You know, in times like this, we need every bit of strength we can afford."
"Err, I dunno," Hermione mumbled.
"Everyone thinks I am dead."
"That´s what would give them strength. A woman, fighting against Voldemort, although everyone thought you were dead.
They would be amazed by your bravery and your will to live. You are fighting against Voldemort, aren´t you?"
Remus asked after he had remarked the sad look in Hermiones eyes.
"No, I don´t. I have lost too much. I am not strong like you thought. I just ran away. I don´t wanted to fight anymore. I simply can´t. I am not strong enough."
Hermione´s voice sounded defeated.
Remus could hear that she had given up. Given up fighting for a better world. The worse thing people could do.
Lupin looked at her, shocked.
"Hermione, please, come with me in my flat and we can talk. Please."
She hesitated.
"Uh, I dunno. I have to ask my boss. But you can come with me." She added, after seeing the expression on his face.
They walked back to "Middle-Earth" in silence.
*************************
"Hey, Willy. Can I take the rest of the day free? Please, it´s urgent."
"Okay, if you want to. I mean, you were never ill in the three years you work here, so I think of course. But if something is really wrong, I want you to tell me, okay?"
"Okay Willy. Thanks."
She quickly came out of the shop.
"Remus, I´m free now. Where do you live?"
*********TBC*************
AN: Please tell me what you think about it. I would be really happy to hear it!!!!!
Means: review, please!!!!!!!
The ones who find a mistake may keep it ;o))))
Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?
I'm scared and I'm alone I'm shamed and I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me"
("Damaged", by Plumb)
Chapter IV Giving up fighting
Hermiones POV
Today I can´t even remember what happened after the Aurors came. I was too confused, too hurt to think clearly.
The only thing I remember is Percy, he told me that everything was over now and I was safe. He lied, perhaps I was safe from Malfoy, but not from my thoughts.
They still haunt me.
Every night I see Oliver, hanging in the air and peaceful face when he was hit my Malfoys curse. And I hear my daughter scream, I see the pain in her sweet face.
Every night in my dreams I see her. She just looks at me and in her eyes I can see the reproach and the questions.
Why I wasn´t able to protect her, why I let him cause her pain, kill her and her daddy. I still don´t know the answers. I probably never will.
I feel lost, and alone. Although Malfoy didn´t kill me, my life is over. Like Percy said, every is over.
My life is empty, a black hole. Absorbing the light, but staying dark.
When I stand in the sun, I can´t feel it on my skin, I just see it, but I still feel cold. Nothing can warm me.
After the attack, I packed my bags and moved away. There was nothing worth to stay for. I moved to London. A big city, with a lot of people, so I would just be one of a lot.
No one would notice that I was broken and damaged. I still am.
Everyday I ask myself the same question. Why the hell do I live? What did I do to survive? Why didn´t Lily survive? Why not Oliver? Why the fuck did I have to survive and not Harry?
He was the hero, not me. Why did Ginny die? She was a good girl, she was braver than me, so why did she had to die?
And Ron, what about him? Sure, he had fought in the war, but he was just a normal guy. Lavender, she never had anything to do with the war. She had been in Africa during the "big war". But she was killed by a former soldier.
For Voldemort it changed nothing if they were alive or not. But for me, it changed my entire world. I am nothing without them. They were my life, the persons that gave sense to my life. But they are dead now, and I am not.
I miss them terrible, all of them. I wished I could have told them how much I loved them. How much they mean to me.
I wished I could have seen Harry and Ron one last time. Just to make sure that they know how much I love them.
Did they knew? Did they knew that they were one of the most important things in my life?
And Lily, I remember the pain in her eyes. In her last moments she learned a truth that I didn´t wanted her to know until she was grown up. Her Mommy couldn't protect her from the world.
I failed, I let her die, I let him kill my little daughter and I stood next to him, not being able to help her.
Oliver was the only one who knew what I felt for him and it was the truth. When I said I loved him more than my life, I didn´t lie.
But they are gone, and I am still here.
All this is now almost three years ago.
And nobody, except me knows what had happened to me. No one knows that I am empty inside. But I try to hide it.
For everybody outside I am Felicitas Hewitt. I work in a bookshop and I am single.
The fake ID I got from Percy, he is the only one who knows that I´m alive.
He told the others I would have killed myself after the tragedy. He thinks with a faked ID life would be easier for me.
The attack had been in the newspapers, the wizard world was shocked, but soon Fudge was able to make them believe that it was just an accident, just some crazy guys who wanted to play Death-Eaters.
And it was bad luck for all those who were killed.
He is a damn liar. Just Dumbledore and the Order know that it is not the truth. So they prepared for a last war.
A last war to defeat Voldemort finally. Percy told her everything about the secret meetings, Dumbeldore thought that it would be a good chance, for three was a magical number. Perhaps it could useful.
But a big part of the Order was shocked, for almost all of them new about the prophecy. Just one, Harry or Voldemort could live. And Harry Potter wasn´t alive.
I don´t know if I have the strength to fight another fight against Voldemort and his fellows.
I lost to much, I have nothing that gives me strength, nothing that is worth fighting for.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* four months later *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione was woken up by the annoying "RINGRINGRING" of her alarm clock. She hated that sound.
It meant that it was another morning, another day with a shining sun in her grey world. A world that took no notice of her mood. Which was usually not that good.
She was kind of depressed. But no one noticed. But how should they do? She was friendly to the people around her, smiled at customers and she was never late.
So how should you notice that a young woman, is depressed when she doesn´t show it?
Hermione stood up and made herself ready for work. She liked her work. It was an old bookshop, with shelves up to the ceiling, in the whole shop it smelled of old books and the air was a bit dusty.
When the sun shined in, Hermione could see the little particles flying around like fairies.
She also liked her employer. He was an old man with white messy hair. He told her stories about the time when he was young and his adventures in the muggle wars.
When she got dressed she walked the few streets down to the shop. It was called "Middleearth" for Mr. Stamp was a admirer from Tolkien´s "The lord of the rings".
So he named his bookshop like this enchanting world. Hermione liked the book as well, as much as she liked almost all books.
"Morning Fee." Mr. Stamp called her always Fee. He had been in Germany for a long time, and her had explained to her that "Fee" means "fairy" in German.
An Mr. Stamp ´s opinion was that she looked like one when she sat there between the books.
"Morning, Mr. Stamp."
"Fee, how often do I have to tell you to call me Willy, instead of that formal Mr. Stamp."
"ok, Willy, it is just hard for me to remember it." Hermione smiled. She liked Willy very much.
"So what do I have to do today?"
"Oh, good that you ask. We got a few new books in here and you have to sort them. And after that I´d like you to do me a favour. But I´ll tell you as soon as you are finished with the books."
"Okay, tell me just where they are."
********************
Hermione loved the smell of books. Books were her home since she had lost hers.
"Willy," Hermione asked.
"What?"
"have you thought of my idea, I mean the one that you could buy old books from people and sell them? It would be good for the shop to have a few more things to sell."
"Yeah, I thought about it, and I think it may be a good idea. If you don´t mind, you could write a little poster and put it on the door, so passing people can see it."
Hermione groaned.
"Ok, I´ll do it. But just because I want to keep the job. And if the shop is closed, I won´t."
But Willy didn´t listen he was to occupied with sorting books and just looking at them.
So when Hermione was done, she decided to make a break and take a little walk.
When she was outside she breathed the cold air. She loved London. This city was almost perfect for her.
A lot of people, and nothing that could remind her of Lily and Oliver. After three years she has learned to deal with the pain.
But sometimes it still came out. And them she felt so lost.
No, don´t think your sad thoughts again. You have to go on living.But is it right? If I just go on?You have too, you have to live, you are still young, so enjoy your life again. It won´t hurt you or Lily or Oliver.
"Oh, sorry, Mme."
Hermione felt a sharp pain and when she looked around, she saw that she had fallen on the ground. A man stand over her, stretching out a hand to help her up.
With a hand she pulled her hair out of her face. She lifted her head and just wanted to take the hand. When the man dropped it and just stared at her.
"Hermione?"
She looked up. No one has called her like this since a long time. Not even Percy. He knew that it caused too much pain in her.
"Is it really you, Hermione?"
The voice of the man was husky and he seemed to be shaking.
She looked closer at him. She knew this face. The hair had been brown with just a bit grey, now it was the opposite. Just a bit brown and much more grey.
"Remus? Remus Lupin?"
The man above her just nodded. Hermione believed to see a tear in the corner of his eyes.
"Yes, it is me. I never thought I would see you again. I thought you were dead!"
"In some way I probably am." She smiled sadly.
"Hermione, what do you mean?"
"Nothing special. I just mean that talking, in the middle of London about very serious subjects is never safe."
"Oh sorry, I forgot." Remus helped her up. He looked at her confused.
"May I ask you something?"
"Ask," Hermione replied. She was curious what her former DADA teacher wanted to tell her. For he seemed very nervous.
"Are you free now? I´d like to take you to the Order. To show them that you are alive would give a lot of them new strength. You know, in times like this, we need every bit of strength we can afford."
"Err, I dunno," Hermione mumbled.
"Everyone thinks I am dead."
"That´s what would give them strength. A woman, fighting against Voldemort, although everyone thought you were dead.
They would be amazed by your bravery and your will to live. You are fighting against Voldemort, aren´t you?"
Remus asked after he had remarked the sad look in Hermiones eyes.
"No, I don´t. I have lost too much. I am not strong like you thought. I just ran away. I don´t wanted to fight anymore. I simply can´t. I am not strong enough."
Hermione´s voice sounded defeated.
Remus could hear that she had given up. Given up fighting for a better world. The worse thing people could do.
Lupin looked at her, shocked.
"Hermione, please, come with me in my flat and we can talk. Please."
She hesitated.
"Uh, I dunno. I have to ask my boss. But you can come with me." She added, after seeing the expression on his face.
They walked back to "Middle-Earth" in silence.
*************************
"Hey, Willy. Can I take the rest of the day free? Please, it´s urgent."
"Okay, if you want to. I mean, you were never ill in the three years you work here, so I think of course. But if something is really wrong, I want you to tell me, okay?"
"Okay Willy. Thanks."
She quickly came out of the shop.
"Remus, I´m free now. Where do you live?"
*********TBC*************
AN: Please tell me what you think about it. I would be really happy to hear it!!!!!
Means: review, please!!!!!!!
The ones who find a mistake may keep it ;o))))