"Heaven holds a sense of wonder"
Time will say nothing; but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.
If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.
There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.
The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.
Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.
Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.
(If I Could Tell You By WH Auden)
Chapter V Talks
Remus guided Hermione to his apartment. It was almost in the centre of London, in the eleventh floor.
The weather was clear, so Hermione could see almost all of London.
"You like the view, don´t you?" Remus asked her while making some tea.
"yeah, I like place high above the ground. I don´t know why."
She smiled thoughtfully.
"Why did you wanted to talk to me?"
"Hermione, please, take a seat."
Lupin leaded her to a comfortable looking armchair.
He seated himself in front of her.
"Hermione," he hesitated.
"I know that you have been through a lot."
He paused and looked at her. She nodded slowly.
"But, this is no reason to give up." Finally, it was out.
Hermione raised her head and looked into Remus eyes.
Slowly and with a very low voice she said:
"For me it is a reason."
"No, it isn´t. It would be a reason to stand up and fight more.
To stand up and fight harder."
Her face was blank of any expression.
But to him it seemed like she was going to cry. But instead she continued.
"I cannot. I am done, I have no strength to hold on fighting."
"But you did. In your own way. You didn´t let it kill you. You hold on living and you started a new life. Hermione, I remember when you, Harry and
Ron were in the third year. You three fought against the minister and the ministry of magic.
You saved the life of my friend Sirius.
You three, you risked your own life for him.
And when you fought for the rights of the house elves, everyone laughed at you, but you did.
You were sure you did the right thing, so you simply did it.
Where is the brave girl I saw in the "big war"?
Hermione, you can lead people. You can make them believe in themselves.
Use this gift to defeat Voldemort.
Where is she gone?
I know that she is still inside you.
Just waiting for you to be brave enough to let her out."
Hermione just listened silent. When he had finished, he looked at her eagerly.
But she just turned around, and looked out of the window for a long time and said nothing.
Remus was clever enough to let her, she needed her time to think about what he had just said.
After a couple of minutes she faced him again.
"Remus, all the things we did are over. Most of them were useless."
He wanted to say something. To tell her that she was wrong. But she shook her head. And continued speaking.
" The girl that you are looking for is dead.
She is gone, I am not even sure if she ever existed.
Nothing I did mattered in the end.
The house elves are still slaves and Sirius is dead, killed by a Death- Eater.
Fudge is still the minister of magic and Voldemort is about to come back.
Harry and Ron are both dead.
If I ever did something brave and good in my life, then it was when I was with them.
And they are gone now. Never going to be there again."
She started to yell.
"And you tell my, that everything I did was good, and made people believe?
That I could lead them? You are so wrong.
Where did I lead my husband? My little daughter?
Tell her that her Mommy was brave. The only thing you can tell her is that her Mommy wasn´t able to protect her.
Remus, Listen, I am an Auror and I couldn´t even protect my own family.
How do you want me to lead people?
I watched my own family die, and I was helpless. I did nothing to say them.
Tell all of them that I did something useful in this war.
The war is over and you know that. Why does everyone still fight?
We´ll loose. That´s clear.
And I hope, that then will it finally be over. The endless fighting and all the dying people.
I can´t stand this anymore. I am tired of all this. I won´t fight."
Her voice began to fade as she broke down in the armchair, sobbing.
"Hermione, I am sure that this girl is still there. Harry, Ron, Oliver and even your daughter would want you to fight.
They would want you to help making a better world. Remember that in the beginning you thought that Harry was the only one to make a Patronus.
But in the "big war", then you could it too. Inside you is more strength than you believe.
You are much stronger than you know. I am sure of that."
He took the few steps to Hermiones armchair, where she laid sobbing.
He watched her shaking form.
"Hey, come on Hermione. I know you are strong. And I am sure that there are a lot of people who would be happy to see you again."
She raised her head and looked at him.
"Really sure?"
He nodded.
******************
"Okay, Hermione, are you sure you are ready?"
Remus Lupin stood in the middle of the living room, looking at her concerned.
She just nodded firmly.
"You know that you don´t have to do this."
She smiled.
"Remus, first you yell at me for not daring to face people who know who I am and now you are telling me that I don´t have to do it.
That´s not logical at all. And by the way, I don´t want to risk it to make you angry."
She smiled again.
But it seemed to him like it was a faked smile.
He nodded and went to the fireplace.
He mumbled a spell and called inside.
"Molly, would you be please come down for a minute. I need to show you something."
He smiled encouraging.
With a low "Wusch" Mrs. Weasley appeared in the fireplace. She stepped out into Lupins kitchen.
"What´s the ma..." She never finished that sentence, for she saw Hermione.
"uh, Hello Mrs. Weasley."
"Are you for real? Are you really standing there in front of me or are you just a fata-morgana?"
"No, I am not. I stand really here in front of you."
"But...but...I thought you were dead."
"We all did, Molly." Lupin laid a hand on Molly´s shoulder but she waved it away a walked towards Hermione.
She hugged her tightly and sobbed into her shoulder.
"Oh my God, thank to every single Godness, you are alive. I am so happy to see you again."
Hermione was confused, it wasn´t at all what she had expected. She had expected reproaches, or silence, or something else. But definitely not this.
When she saw Molly´s face, she was suddenly reminded of Ron and Ginny and Harry and all the wonderful summers they had spent together at the burrow.
Tears flowed down her cheeks and she didn´t try to hold them back.
She just wrapped her arms around Molly Weasley and cried. She felt all the pain she had hidden in those years come out.
But it was okay. She was here with someone who loved them as well as she did.
Hermione felt that it was ok to cry now. For here she was safe.
Here she was with people who cared about her and so she et her emotions flow.
***********
After what seemed like an eternity to her Molly lighted her grip a bit and shoved Hermione about an arm away from her.
Mrs. Weasley watched her closely the hands still remaining on Hermiones shoulders.
"You have changed." She simply said.
"Your hair is darker now, it seems almost black, and a bit shorter. And there´s something else that has changed."
She watched her closely again and decided it were her eyes.
"They have not the same shimmer they had when I saw you last time. But I think that´s normal. After what you have been through."
She smiled at Hermione.
"I haven´t thought that I could see you again. And let me say, I am very happy.
But who the hell helped you to get a faked ID. I mean, it is obvious that you can´t have lived as Hermione Granger or Wood.
Not in this times. So tell me who do I have to thank that you are still alive?"
This time, Hermione smiled as well.
"Percy. He helped me, gave me the ID, found an apartment in London for me and a job. And the most important thing is, that he told no one about my new life."
"Oh, I remember, he was very busy after that....that...incident. But I thought it was his way to..... lets say deal with things. But how did Remus know? Did you contact him?"
Hermione shook her head.
"No, he bumped into me, today on the Oxford Street."
"Ohh." Was all that Molly said.
"Uh, well," said Lupin. "I have made some tea and I think we should continue our talk in the living room."
****************
The first minutes they sat there in silence. But then Hermione dared to speak.
"Do you are mad at me?"
She looked into Molly´s eyes and Molly could see that this question bothered the young woman since her arrival.
"Not at all. Why should I?"
"I survived, and two of your children got killed."
Molly smiled very sadly.
"I know, and it hurts like hell, but it makes me strong to know that you live."
Hermione looked at her questioning.
"Look, the thing is, I lost Charlie and Bill during the "big war". And then I thought it would be over.
After the war I didn´t think I would lose another child to Voldemort.
But I was wrong.
I lost Ron and Ginny. And as well I lost Harry and I thought I would have lost you. It was almost unbearable for me.
For you and Harry, you were like my own children to you. Remember,
Arthur leaded you to the altar when you married Oliver. After you parents were dead, I felt even more that I had to take care of you than before.
And I ever saw Lily as my granddaughter."
Lily´s name made a single tear slid over Hermiones cheek. But she didn´t notice.
"And then I thought you were dead, but now I got you back.
And it seems like a miracle for me. It shows me, that I will never lose against Voldemort completely.
That I have you back, means as much to me as if I would have Ron or Ginny or Charlie or Bill back.
And that you are back, that you survived is a sign. A sign to me for hold on fighting.
I wished I could say something to console you better.
But I know nothing to ease the pain.
But in some way almost everything makes sense in the end. Even if you cannot see it yet.
I don´t really believe in God, but I am sure or at least
I hope that there is something like a bigger "project" behind all this."
She smiled at Hermione who had listened without taking her eyes of Molly.
She cried, but she didn´t notice. She was too touched by what Molly had said.
And suddenly, she was sure of something.
*********************TBC******************
AN: I know, it isn´t nice to stop just here, but I need to figure out what Hermione´s sure about. ;o) But I have an idea.... ;o)
I am going to update soon, but tomorrow is Monday and my teachers probably won´t let me write during classes. ;o)
It really matters to me what you think and I would be very happy if you would leave a little review for me.... Please?
Time will say nothing; but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.
If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.
There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.
The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.
Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.
Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.
(If I Could Tell You By WH Auden)
Chapter V Talks
Remus guided Hermione to his apartment. It was almost in the centre of London, in the eleventh floor.
The weather was clear, so Hermione could see almost all of London.
"You like the view, don´t you?" Remus asked her while making some tea.
"yeah, I like place high above the ground. I don´t know why."
She smiled thoughtfully.
"Why did you wanted to talk to me?"
"Hermione, please, take a seat."
Lupin leaded her to a comfortable looking armchair.
He seated himself in front of her.
"Hermione," he hesitated.
"I know that you have been through a lot."
He paused and looked at her. She nodded slowly.
"But, this is no reason to give up." Finally, it was out.
Hermione raised her head and looked into Remus eyes.
Slowly and with a very low voice she said:
"For me it is a reason."
"No, it isn´t. It would be a reason to stand up and fight more.
To stand up and fight harder."
Her face was blank of any expression.
But to him it seemed like she was going to cry. But instead she continued.
"I cannot. I am done, I have no strength to hold on fighting."
"But you did. In your own way. You didn´t let it kill you. You hold on living and you started a new life. Hermione, I remember when you, Harry and
Ron were in the third year. You three fought against the minister and the ministry of magic.
You saved the life of my friend Sirius.
You three, you risked your own life for him.
And when you fought for the rights of the house elves, everyone laughed at you, but you did.
You were sure you did the right thing, so you simply did it.
Where is the brave girl I saw in the "big war"?
Hermione, you can lead people. You can make them believe in themselves.
Use this gift to defeat Voldemort.
Where is she gone?
I know that she is still inside you.
Just waiting for you to be brave enough to let her out."
Hermione just listened silent. When he had finished, he looked at her eagerly.
But she just turned around, and looked out of the window for a long time and said nothing.
Remus was clever enough to let her, she needed her time to think about what he had just said.
After a couple of minutes she faced him again.
"Remus, all the things we did are over. Most of them were useless."
He wanted to say something. To tell her that she was wrong. But she shook her head. And continued speaking.
" The girl that you are looking for is dead.
She is gone, I am not even sure if she ever existed.
Nothing I did mattered in the end.
The house elves are still slaves and Sirius is dead, killed by a Death- Eater.
Fudge is still the minister of magic and Voldemort is about to come back.
Harry and Ron are both dead.
If I ever did something brave and good in my life, then it was when I was with them.
And they are gone now. Never going to be there again."
She started to yell.
"And you tell my, that everything I did was good, and made people believe?
That I could lead them? You are so wrong.
Where did I lead my husband? My little daughter?
Tell her that her Mommy was brave. The only thing you can tell her is that her Mommy wasn´t able to protect her.
Remus, Listen, I am an Auror and I couldn´t even protect my own family.
How do you want me to lead people?
I watched my own family die, and I was helpless. I did nothing to say them.
Tell all of them that I did something useful in this war.
The war is over and you know that. Why does everyone still fight?
We´ll loose. That´s clear.
And I hope, that then will it finally be over. The endless fighting and all the dying people.
I can´t stand this anymore. I am tired of all this. I won´t fight."
Her voice began to fade as she broke down in the armchair, sobbing.
"Hermione, I am sure that this girl is still there. Harry, Ron, Oliver and even your daughter would want you to fight.
They would want you to help making a better world. Remember that in the beginning you thought that Harry was the only one to make a Patronus.
But in the "big war", then you could it too. Inside you is more strength than you believe.
You are much stronger than you know. I am sure of that."
He took the few steps to Hermiones armchair, where she laid sobbing.
He watched her shaking form.
"Hey, come on Hermione. I know you are strong. And I am sure that there are a lot of people who would be happy to see you again."
She raised her head and looked at him.
"Really sure?"
He nodded.
******************
"Okay, Hermione, are you sure you are ready?"
Remus Lupin stood in the middle of the living room, looking at her concerned.
She just nodded firmly.
"You know that you don´t have to do this."
She smiled.
"Remus, first you yell at me for not daring to face people who know who I am and now you are telling me that I don´t have to do it.
That´s not logical at all. And by the way, I don´t want to risk it to make you angry."
She smiled again.
But it seemed to him like it was a faked smile.
He nodded and went to the fireplace.
He mumbled a spell and called inside.
"Molly, would you be please come down for a minute. I need to show you something."
He smiled encouraging.
With a low "Wusch" Mrs. Weasley appeared in the fireplace. She stepped out into Lupins kitchen.
"What´s the ma..." She never finished that sentence, for she saw Hermione.
"uh, Hello Mrs. Weasley."
"Are you for real? Are you really standing there in front of me or are you just a fata-morgana?"
"No, I am not. I stand really here in front of you."
"But...but...I thought you were dead."
"We all did, Molly." Lupin laid a hand on Molly´s shoulder but she waved it away a walked towards Hermione.
She hugged her tightly and sobbed into her shoulder.
"Oh my God, thank to every single Godness, you are alive. I am so happy to see you again."
Hermione was confused, it wasn´t at all what she had expected. She had expected reproaches, or silence, or something else. But definitely not this.
When she saw Molly´s face, she was suddenly reminded of Ron and Ginny and Harry and all the wonderful summers they had spent together at the burrow.
Tears flowed down her cheeks and she didn´t try to hold them back.
She just wrapped her arms around Molly Weasley and cried. She felt all the pain she had hidden in those years come out.
But it was okay. She was here with someone who loved them as well as she did.
Hermione felt that it was ok to cry now. For here she was safe.
Here she was with people who cared about her and so she et her emotions flow.
***********
After what seemed like an eternity to her Molly lighted her grip a bit and shoved Hermione about an arm away from her.
Mrs. Weasley watched her closely the hands still remaining on Hermiones shoulders.
"You have changed." She simply said.
"Your hair is darker now, it seems almost black, and a bit shorter. And there´s something else that has changed."
She watched her closely again and decided it were her eyes.
"They have not the same shimmer they had when I saw you last time. But I think that´s normal. After what you have been through."
She smiled at Hermione.
"I haven´t thought that I could see you again. And let me say, I am very happy.
But who the hell helped you to get a faked ID. I mean, it is obvious that you can´t have lived as Hermione Granger or Wood.
Not in this times. So tell me who do I have to thank that you are still alive?"
This time, Hermione smiled as well.
"Percy. He helped me, gave me the ID, found an apartment in London for me and a job. And the most important thing is, that he told no one about my new life."
"Oh, I remember, he was very busy after that....that...incident. But I thought it was his way to..... lets say deal with things. But how did Remus know? Did you contact him?"
Hermione shook her head.
"No, he bumped into me, today on the Oxford Street."
"Ohh." Was all that Molly said.
"Uh, well," said Lupin. "I have made some tea and I think we should continue our talk in the living room."
****************
The first minutes they sat there in silence. But then Hermione dared to speak.
"Do you are mad at me?"
She looked into Molly´s eyes and Molly could see that this question bothered the young woman since her arrival.
"Not at all. Why should I?"
"I survived, and two of your children got killed."
Molly smiled very sadly.
"I know, and it hurts like hell, but it makes me strong to know that you live."
Hermione looked at her questioning.
"Look, the thing is, I lost Charlie and Bill during the "big war". And then I thought it would be over.
After the war I didn´t think I would lose another child to Voldemort.
But I was wrong.
I lost Ron and Ginny. And as well I lost Harry and I thought I would have lost you. It was almost unbearable for me.
For you and Harry, you were like my own children to you. Remember,
Arthur leaded you to the altar when you married Oliver. After you parents were dead, I felt even more that I had to take care of you than before.
And I ever saw Lily as my granddaughter."
Lily´s name made a single tear slid over Hermiones cheek. But she didn´t notice.
"And then I thought you were dead, but now I got you back.
And it seems like a miracle for me. It shows me, that I will never lose against Voldemort completely.
That I have you back, means as much to me as if I would have Ron or Ginny or Charlie or Bill back.
And that you are back, that you survived is a sign. A sign to me for hold on fighting.
I wished I could say something to console you better.
But I know nothing to ease the pain.
But in some way almost everything makes sense in the end. Even if you cannot see it yet.
I don´t really believe in God, but I am sure or at least
I hope that there is something like a bigger "project" behind all this."
She smiled at Hermione who had listened without taking her eyes of Molly.
She cried, but she didn´t notice. She was too touched by what Molly had said.
And suddenly, she was sure of something.
*********************TBC******************
AN: I know, it isn´t nice to stop just here, but I need to figure out what Hermione´s sure about. ;o) But I have an idea.... ;o)
I am going to update soon, but tomorrow is Monday and my teachers probably won´t let me write during classes. ;o)
It really matters to me what you think and I would be very happy if you would leave a little review for me.... Please?