"Heaven holds a sense of wonder"
Chapter VI Dreams, ideas, lost ideals
The more they love,
the more they feel alone.
Whatever view we hold,
it must be shown
Why every lover has a wish to make
Some other kind of otherness his own:
Perhaps, in fact, we are never alone.
(Auden, "Alone")
After Molly had gone, Hermione looked at Lupin.
"I need to ask you something."
"Then ask."
"Take me to Grimmauld Place. I want to see the others again."
He looked at her stunned.
"Are you sure? Where does this sudden change come from?"
She looked shyly at him,
He grinned.
"Why are you grinning? Where is the fun in it?"
"You are right, there is no fun, I am just incredible happy to see that you opened your eyes. And that you are going to fight again."
Hermione became earnest again.
"I did not say I would fight again. I just want to see the others again.
I want them to know that I am not dead. But I said nothing about fighting again."
The grin on Lupins face vanished a bit, but he tried to hide it.
"But, but, I thought Molly´s speech had awoken the will to fight in you! Why don´t you want
to help us defeat Voldemort?" he looked questioning at her.
She sighed.
"Please, understand. Open your eyes. We cannot defeat Voldemort.
And you know that as well as I do.
No one really thinks we can. And those who think it are fools. I learned my lesson."
"Hermione, why do you think that way?"
"I saw what one of his fellows was able to do.
Oliver said on the day he died,
"Listen, I know you are a powerful witch, you know the curses,
but you won´t use them, he will. Without hesitating."
That is true, almost no one of the Order would use them if they wouldn´t need to.
That´s the weak point. That´s why I think we can just lose this war."
"You may be right what the curses mean, but you forget that almost all Death-Eaters are afraid of their Lord.
If they would see that we are going to win, they would perhaps help us.
We don´t use the curses for we don´t want to be like them. We want to make it better."
Hermione just shook her head.
"The only reason I want to Grimmauld Place is that I want to see them one last time, before I go away finally."
"Does that mean, you really don´t want to help us?"
"No."
A strange expression came on his face. He seemed to be hurt.
"Why?"
His voice was husky and it seemed to her that he was really hurt.
"Because I can´t. I saw so many people I loved die.
After the "big war" only Oliver, Harry and Ron saved me from going crazy.
Now they are dead, too. I cannot stand this.
After Olivers and Lilys death, I broke. Look at me, what do you see? I am broken, something inside me will never be okay.
Outside I may smile, but inside I cry. Every time I see a little girl about Lily´s age, I want to scream.
I can´t sleep at night, I see their faces. Looking at me from hollow dead eyes.
It kills me. I am dead inside there is nothing left to make me laugh. There is so much pain. I wished Malfoy would have killed me too, that morning three years ago.
Then I wouldn´t have to hurt you by saying that I can´t go on."
"Hermione, you know what you say is not completely true. There is something left inside you, you still live, you didn´t kill yourself.
Instead you fought, against the pain. You already defeated the dark Lord and Malfoy.
You can´t tell me that you have given up.
Think of Molly, how much has she been through, but she still believes in the good. Please, Hermione, I beg you.
Fight again, join the Order again. Even if it is just revenge that makes you fight."
She seemed to think about what he had just said. But then she shook her head again.
"No. And please don´t make me feel worse than I already do. Just take me to Grimauld Place and after that I will go away."
He knew that he had lost, and he hated Voldemort for breaking Hermione and a lot of others.
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don´t know yet. But it doesn´t matter to me. Just far enough away from here."
"Ok, then I think I should take you to the Order by tomorrow. Today I have no energy let to go there."
With that he stood up and left Hermione in her armchair, thinking if she really did the right thing.
*********************
Hermiones POV
I feel so lost.
So alone.
I don´t know what to do. Just minutes ago, I was absolutely sure what I had to do.
I just wanted to see some people one last time, before I would finally go away.
Perhaps to the states. Or new Zealand. Or Australia. Just somewhere far away, too far for my past to catch me.
But now, after what Lupin had said, I am not sure about it anymore.
Is it right when I just go and leave my friends to their faiths without helping them? Am I a coward for just wanting to go?
Oh my God, it is their decision to fight or not to. So it is mine.
If they want to get killed, okay, but I don´t.
Is that really true?
Is it my decision if I fight or not?
Do I owe it Harry, Ron, Lavender, Ginny, Oliver and Lily to fight?
I am afraid I do. I am the one who survived, as Molly said, nobody has an idea why.
But perhaps it is sense behind all this.
A creature who guides me, but why the hell don´t I know what to do?
If I would fight, I would have probably see a lot of people that are important to me die, in a lost battle. So why should I fight?
For helping to win this war.This war is already lost. I have heard the prophecy, Voldemort or Harry can live, and Harry is dead. So Voldemort has won.Don´t make it that easy. Who said: "You just really lose if you don´t fight."?It was Dumbledore.Dumbledore lives, he is the one the dark Lord ever feared. So there is hope left......Tomorrow, you will see all the faces of people who didn´t gave up. Kick yourself in the ass
and help them defeating the bad.You can never really defeat the bad.No, that´s true, but you can make a better world or die trying.But I don´t want to die...Why?What has life for you? Your family is dead, your best friends, too. You have nothing left to
lose. Use this freedom.Shut up. Let me sleep. Tomorrow I will go to see them one last time and then I´ll go.
Nothing can change my decision.....Why did you come back?I don´t know.But I do.Then tell me.You missed it. You wanted to be reminded of the past. You are the lost daughter that wanted
to be found.
You wanted to see all this again.
Although it was a war, you had so much fun in here.
So many memories hang between the old carpets and stairs.
Every noise and every smell wakes a memory inside you.
A memory of a time when you were happy.
And you want this feeling back.
You want to feel again, something else than just pain.
A sudden noise ripped Hermione out of her thoughts.
It sounded like an "humpf"
And then someone screamed her name. Loud and joyful.
Hermione turned quickly around and then she smiled.
Running towards here were Fred and George Weasley.
"Oh my dear Lord God! If he exsits, that can´t be possible.
Old girl Hermione. We thought that you are dead!!!"
Both of them screamed in uniso.
They hugged her tightly and she had trouble to breathe.
They made so much noise that it was luck that Sirius mother didn´t hung there anymore,
she would have screamed till the judging day.
***************TBC********************
Disclaimer: Yeah, I know, I own nobody. :o( Everyone belongs to J.K. Rowling
AN: Please, it would make me really happy if you would review. It means soooooo much to
me what you think!!!!
And I hope I can update soon. But if our sports teacher lets us run another 2 000 meters, you
can be sure that I´ll get lots of new ideas.
Chapter VI Dreams, ideas, lost ideals
The more they love,
the more they feel alone.
Whatever view we hold,
it must be shown
Why every lover has a wish to make
Some other kind of otherness his own:
Perhaps, in fact, we are never alone.
(Auden, "Alone")
After Molly had gone, Hermione looked at Lupin.
"I need to ask you something."
"Then ask."
"Take me to Grimmauld Place. I want to see the others again."
He looked at her stunned.
"Are you sure? Where does this sudden change come from?"
She looked shyly at him,
He grinned.
"Why are you grinning? Where is the fun in it?"
"You are right, there is no fun, I am just incredible happy to see that you opened your eyes. And that you are going to fight again."
Hermione became earnest again.
"I did not say I would fight again. I just want to see the others again.
I want them to know that I am not dead. But I said nothing about fighting again."
The grin on Lupins face vanished a bit, but he tried to hide it.
"But, but, I thought Molly´s speech had awoken the will to fight in you! Why don´t you want
to help us defeat Voldemort?" he looked questioning at her.
She sighed.
"Please, understand. Open your eyes. We cannot defeat Voldemort.
And you know that as well as I do.
No one really thinks we can. And those who think it are fools. I learned my lesson."
"Hermione, why do you think that way?"
"I saw what one of his fellows was able to do.
Oliver said on the day he died,
"Listen, I know you are a powerful witch, you know the curses,
but you won´t use them, he will. Without hesitating."
That is true, almost no one of the Order would use them if they wouldn´t need to.
That´s the weak point. That´s why I think we can just lose this war."
"You may be right what the curses mean, but you forget that almost all Death-Eaters are afraid of their Lord.
If they would see that we are going to win, they would perhaps help us.
We don´t use the curses for we don´t want to be like them. We want to make it better."
Hermione just shook her head.
"The only reason I want to Grimmauld Place is that I want to see them one last time, before I go away finally."
"Does that mean, you really don´t want to help us?"
"No."
A strange expression came on his face. He seemed to be hurt.
"Why?"
His voice was husky and it seemed to her that he was really hurt.
"Because I can´t. I saw so many people I loved die.
After the "big war" only Oliver, Harry and Ron saved me from going crazy.
Now they are dead, too. I cannot stand this.
After Olivers and Lilys death, I broke. Look at me, what do you see? I am broken, something inside me will never be okay.
Outside I may smile, but inside I cry. Every time I see a little girl about Lily´s age, I want to scream.
I can´t sleep at night, I see their faces. Looking at me from hollow dead eyes.
It kills me. I am dead inside there is nothing left to make me laugh. There is so much pain. I wished Malfoy would have killed me too, that morning three years ago.
Then I wouldn´t have to hurt you by saying that I can´t go on."
"Hermione, you know what you say is not completely true. There is something left inside you, you still live, you didn´t kill yourself.
Instead you fought, against the pain. You already defeated the dark Lord and Malfoy.
You can´t tell me that you have given up.
Think of Molly, how much has she been through, but she still believes in the good. Please, Hermione, I beg you.
Fight again, join the Order again. Even if it is just revenge that makes you fight."
She seemed to think about what he had just said. But then she shook her head again.
"No. And please don´t make me feel worse than I already do. Just take me to Grimauld Place and after that I will go away."
He knew that he had lost, and he hated Voldemort for breaking Hermione and a lot of others.
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don´t know yet. But it doesn´t matter to me. Just far enough away from here."
"Ok, then I think I should take you to the Order by tomorrow. Today I have no energy let to go there."
With that he stood up and left Hermione in her armchair, thinking if she really did the right thing.
*********************
Hermiones POV
I feel so lost.
So alone.
I don´t know what to do. Just minutes ago, I was absolutely sure what I had to do.
I just wanted to see some people one last time, before I would finally go away.
Perhaps to the states. Or new Zealand. Or Australia. Just somewhere far away, too far for my past to catch me.
But now, after what Lupin had said, I am not sure about it anymore.
Is it right when I just go and leave my friends to their faiths without helping them? Am I a coward for just wanting to go?
Oh my God, it is their decision to fight or not to. So it is mine.
If they want to get killed, okay, but I don´t.
Is that really true?
Is it my decision if I fight or not?
Do I owe it Harry, Ron, Lavender, Ginny, Oliver and Lily to fight?
I am afraid I do. I am the one who survived, as Molly said, nobody has an idea why.
But perhaps it is sense behind all this.
A creature who guides me, but why the hell don´t I know what to do?
If I would fight, I would have probably see a lot of people that are important to me die, in a lost battle. So why should I fight?
For helping to win this war.This war is already lost. I have heard the prophecy, Voldemort or Harry can live, and Harry is dead. So Voldemort has won.Don´t make it that easy. Who said: "You just really lose if you don´t fight."?It was Dumbledore.Dumbledore lives, he is the one the dark Lord ever feared. So there is hope left......Tomorrow, you will see all the faces of people who didn´t gave up. Kick yourself in the ass
and help them defeating the bad.You can never really defeat the bad.No, that´s true, but you can make a better world or die trying.But I don´t want to die...Why?What has life for you? Your family is dead, your best friends, too. You have nothing left to
lose. Use this freedom.Shut up. Let me sleep. Tomorrow I will go to see them one last time and then I´ll go.
Nothing can change my decision.....Why did you come back?I don´t know.But I do.Then tell me.You missed it. You wanted to be reminded of the past. You are the lost daughter that wanted
to be found.
You wanted to see all this again.
Although it was a war, you had so much fun in here.
So many memories hang between the old carpets and stairs.
Every noise and every smell wakes a memory inside you.
A memory of a time when you were happy.
And you want this feeling back.
You want to feel again, something else than just pain.
A sudden noise ripped Hermione out of her thoughts.
It sounded like an "humpf"
And then someone screamed her name. Loud and joyful.
Hermione turned quickly around and then she smiled.
Running towards here were Fred and George Weasley.
"Oh my dear Lord God! If he exsits, that can´t be possible.
Old girl Hermione. We thought that you are dead!!!"
Both of them screamed in uniso.
They hugged her tightly and she had trouble to breathe.
They made so much noise that it was luck that Sirius mother didn´t hung there anymore,
she would have screamed till the judging day.
***************TBC********************
Disclaimer: Yeah, I know, I own nobody. :o( Everyone belongs to J.K. Rowling
AN: Please, it would make me really happy if you would review. It means soooooo much to
me what you think!!!!
And I hope I can update soon. But if our sports teacher lets us run another 2 000 meters, you
can be sure that I´ll get lots of new ideas.