"The Honeymooners"


Chapter 2
"Just Don't Start Enjoying This Too Much!"


After supper, they'd gone back to their suite, where Sarah Jane had convinced him to leave his scarf and heavy coat behind.
"You'll really stand out in that get-up," she'd told him. "No human alive would walk along the beach dressed like that!" He had deferred to her judgment in the matter, and settled for wearing his trousers and his white shirt, leaving it open at the neck. Sarah Jane, on the other hand, had gone all out, changing into a blue bikini, sandals, and a light wrap.
"How do I look?" she'd asked upon emerging from the bathroom. He'd merely grunted noncommittally in reply. "Hmph! Some husband I've got!" she'd complained jokingly.
Now they were walking arm-in-arm along the beach, watching the sun set over the ocean.
"You know, this is awfully romantic," he said with wide-eyed sincerity, making her laugh. "Oh! Didn't that sound right?" he asked, sounding dismayed.
"Yes, it was perfect, Doctor," she said, smiling up at him. "In fact, I'd almost believe you meant it!"
"Sarah Jane," he said quietly, "Don't look. I believe we're being watched." She automatically turned to look. "I said don't look!" he hissed, stopping her with a hand on the arm. She fumbled for something in the beach tote slung over her shoulder.
"I never go anywhere without my compact," she said quietly, pulling it out and snapping it open. Under the pretense of powdering her nose, she used the mirror to inspect the dunes behind her. "Ah ha!" she exclaimed happily. "There he is!"
"Who?"
"My old friend the manager," she replied, snapping the compact shut and stowing it back in her bag. "And he's got binoculars, sad little pervert that he is."
"Oh my," the Doctor said. "He's hoping for a show, isn't he?"
"Probably," she agreed, sighing. Her expression changed to one of determination. "Right," she said briskly, putting her hand on his arm and turning him to face her. "You're just going to have to follow my lead on this, I'm afraid." Before he could ask what she meant, she put her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. He simply stood there, completely unresponsive as she kissed him with as much passion as she could muster under the circumstances. "You could at least make an effort to look like you're enjoying this!" she murmured against his mouth, and felt his arms go around her as if in reply. She opened her eyes and saw his were open wide and staring down at her in shock; it was all she could do not to break out laughing. "Close your eyes!" she said against his mouth. His eyes fluttered shut and something seemed to change in him.
His body relaxed, and one hand moved from her waist to slide up the center of her back where it stayed, a gentle pressure between her shoulder blades. She felt the rhythm of his breathing change, and his lips parted to hers. Oh my God, now we're really kissing! she thought. This is not good! Another part of her brain replied rather snarkily, No, it's not good… it's fantastic! Her eyes slid closed and she gave herself to the moment. Naturally, the Doctor was the one to pull away.
"Is he gone?" he asked. Her first inclination was to ask Who cares? and go back to what they'd been doing. Her second inclination was the one she decided to go with.
"Do you see him?" she asked as he scanned the dunes, one hand shading his eyes against the setting sun.
"No." He looked down at her, concerned. "What's wrong with your voice, Sarah Jane?"
"Nothing!" She pulled away from him.
"It sounds very peculiar," he persisted.
"We've done our bit for giving the perverts of the world their cheap thrills," she said, not looking at him. "Come on, let's go back to the resort." She shoved her hands into the pockets of her wrap and began to trudge back up the beach. Not knowing what else to do, he followed.


They had a couple of drinks in the lobby before retiring to their suite for the night.
"I'll sleep on the sofa, of course," he offered. He was leaning against the bathroom doorframe, his arms folded across his chest.
"Bad idea," she told him. She was standing at the sink, washing her face.
"Oh?" he asked, his eyebrows going up.
"You said so yourself," she said reasonably. "Anyone could be a spy. Remember? And that includes members of the Housekeeping Staff." She dabbed on some moisturizing lotion. "They'd be sure to report that we hadn't slept in the same bed."
"How would they know?"
"They see enough beds, don't they? They'd know."
"You're probably right," he agreed, sighing.
"Just don't hog the covers," she admonished with a smile, shaking a finger at him. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to change." She held up her nightgown for him to see, a long pink affair with short puffy sleeves and a very chaste high neckline threaded with a white ribbon tied in a bow at the front. It looked like something a child would wear… or a grandmother.
"Ooo, very sexy," he deadpanned. He reached out and touched it. "Cotton… so it didn't come in flannel, eh?"
"Out!" she told him firmly, shutting the door on him.
When she came out of the bathroom he was lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
"Sarah Jane – " he began.
"Oh for Heaven's sake, Doctor," she interrupted. "You can at least take off your shoes!"
"It occurs to me that we should be outside watching for lights in the sky," he told her.
"I thought the little gray men come into the guests' rooms and take them away," she reminded him. He sat up.
"All right, I'll go look for lights in the sky, and you can stay here waiting for little gray men!"
"Oh no you don't!" she exclaimed immediately. "You're not leaving me alone here for them! Who knows who they are or what they want?"
"True," he conceded, giving her a smile. "You sleep, Sarah Jane," he said, rising to his feet and patting her arm. "I'll sit by the window and watch for the lights."
"But you – "
"I'll be fine," he said reasonably. "I don't have to sleep for a few nights yet." She pulled the covers aside and slid into bed. "Sleep well, Sarah Jane," he said quietly, pulling the covers up to her chin and kissing her on the forehead.
"Yes, Mother," she replied, laughing sleepily. As she drifted off to sleep, she heard him moving a chair to sit near the window. I'm safe... he won't let them get me, she thought with muzzy happiness, and slept.


Sarah Jane woke to sunlight streaming through the windows and the Doctor lying on his back beside her.
"Good morning, Honey Buns!" he said cheerfully without opening his eyes. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yes, fine thank you," she replied with a yawn. "Honey Buns," she repeated with a sigh. "It's going to be a long day, isn't it?"
"Probably," he agreed. There was a knock at the door. "Stay there, I'll get it." She sat up in bed, clutching the covers to her chest as he went to answer the door. "Ah, good, good," he said cheerfully to someone in the hallway. He reappeared carrying a tray, and she smelled food and tea, hot and fragrant.
"What's all this?" she asked, surprised.
"Breakfast in bed for my darling wife," he said, setting the tray across her outstretched legs. "I ordered all your favorites." He sat down next to her on the bed.
"Very good!" she said in the tone of a teacher praising a bright student. "This is exactly the sort of thing that people in love do for each other." He beamed happily. "You'll get this doting husband thing down in no time," she said, buttering her toast.
"I've always been a quick study," he told her modestly.
"Here," she said, handing him a cup of tea sweetened with saccharine sweetener, just the way he liked it; evidently artificial sweeteners tasted quite lovely to Gallifreyan taste buds. "So what's on our agenda today, darling husband?"
"How does a tour of the town of Brighton sound?" She shrugged. "You really must try to summon up more enthusiasm, Sarah Jane. From what the men in the lounge told me last evening, most everyone's going on this tour and the wives are quite excited. It seems there's excellent shopping to be had in town."
"Well then, I hope you've brought your wallet, my dear!"
"Oh yes, I'd forgotten that one of your jobs as my wife is to spend my money!"
"Got that right!" she agreed with a grin, handing him a piece of toast spread with raspberry jam. Suddenly, she sobered. "Really, I was only joking. I've got money – "
"It's quite all right, Sarah Jane. I've never spent a single pound of the salary UNIT has paid me over the years… really, I'm rather embarrassingly well-off now!"
"Ooo, really? In that case, maybe I'll stay married to you when all this is over!" she joked. He laughed. "Come on, Lazybones," she told him, finishing her tea and the last bite of her toast. "Time to get ready to act like tourists."
"I've even got a camera to wear 'round my neck!" he told her proudly.
"All right, just spare me the Hawaiian print shirt and matching shorts worn with sandals and socks, please!" He looked affronted.
"I may be no fashion plate, but even I have my limits, Sarah Jane!"
"And leave the scarf and coat in the closet for the rest of this trip," she continued. "You've got to try to look normal… well, as normal as is possible for you, anyway," she amended.
"I will be the perfect picture of a normal humdrum human male," he told her sincerely.
"I'd pay good money to see that!" She scooted out of bed. "I've got dibs on the shower!"
"Conserve water," he said seriously. "Shower with a friend!" He gave her a toothy grin.
"Only in your most fevered flights of imagination!" she retorted, shutting and locking the bathroom door behind her.
"Is that any way to treat your new husband?" he called after her. "This is supposed to be our honeymoon, you know!" She opened the bathroom door and stuck her head out.
"Have you lost your ability to distinguish fantasy from reality?"
"There's a difference?" he wondered.
"Should've known," she sighed, retreating back into the bathroom.
"I'm insulted by that remark!" he told her through the closed door.
"Good!"
"Don't you need someone to scrub your back, Huggy Bear?" he asked solicitously.
"Go away!"
He grinned.


The tour of Brighton turned out to be a huge bore.
They had been herded like sheep into an open-air shuttle pulled by a small car rather like a golf cart and driven from shop to shop. A tour guide with a bullhorn had pointed out the interesting local sights to them as they'd flown past on their way to more shops. At each stop, the women had gotten off and gone inside, leaving the men standing outside milling about and making uncomfortable small talk.
"Wait until you see what I bought!" Sarah Jane said. She'd just emerged from a gift shop specializing in postcards, souvenir magnets, t-shirts, and other tacky tourist-y items. She pulled something out of her shopping bag. "Here, for you!"
"What is it?" he asked, frowning. It was a white Panama hat with a bright orange hatband. "It's perfect!" he told her. "Ha! I can always use another hat!" He jammed it on his head and beamed brightly.
He had seen other husbands presented with gifts throughout the day, and after assessing the situation he decided that it would not be out of character for him to give her a quick peck on the lips. He leaned over and hastily did so.
"Nice touch," she told him quietly, and he glowed under her approval. "Just don't start enjoying this too much, all right?"
"Having fun, you two?" one of the husbands asked.
"We're having a marvelous time," the Doctor beamed, throwing an arm around his "wife's" shoulders and dragging her against him. "Aren't we, Snuggle Muffin?"
"Marvelous," she agreed, smiling gamely.
"I remember when Marge and I were first married," the man said wistfully. He gave the Doctor a significant look. "Things change, my lad!"
"Do they?" the Time Lord asked, the perfect picture of wide-eyed innocence. "How so?" Sarah Jane gave him an elbow in the ribs.
"You'll find out," the man said meaningfully. "Enjoy it while it lasts!" He walked off to join his wife, who had just come out of the gift shop.
"While it lasts?" the Doctor repeated. "Why, it hasn't even begun yet!"
"And it never will!" she told him firmly.
"This is some honeymoon!" he complained.
"Oh, poor Doctor," she said in a tone of mock sympathy. His arm was still wrapped around her shoulders, and she looked up at him, grinning. "You want some more kisses?" She puckered up and made smooching noises at him. He dropped his arm and hastily backed away, looking vaguely horrified. "I'm glad you find me so attractive, husband of mine!" He gave her a look and crammed his hands into his pockets. With a laugh, she took his arm and they headed back to the shuttle.


It was mid-afternoon by the time they returned to the resort, and they decided to follow everyone else's lead and hit the beach. Sarah Jane changed back into her bikini, but was unable to persuade the Doctor to wear anything other than his trousers and white shirt.
"This body looks silly in swimwear," he complained. "It's got knobby knees!"
"Oh honestly, Doctor! No one's going to be looking at your knees!"
After further argument (he could be quite persistent when he wanted his way), she gave in and allowed that the outfit he'd worn the previous night for their seaside stroll would probably be adequate. She threw some suntan lotion, a pair of sunglasses, and a marvelously trashy V.C. Andrews novel into her beach tote and declared herself ready to depart.
After a bit of searching, they found themselves a suitable spot on the sand. The Doctor found a beach umbrella and pitched it next to their chosen spot while Sarah Jane spread out their beach towels beneath it. Now she sat on her towel under the umbrella, smoothing suntan lotion on her arms and upper chest while he busied himself with flipping through her novel.
"What rubbish!" he exclaimed, tossing it aside. "What kind of woman would lock her children in an attic?"
"Read the whole thing, have you?" she asked.
"Of course!"
"Well, I haven't, so don't tell me the ending!" She handed him the bottle of suntan lotion. "Here. Do my back, would you?"
"Another husbandly duty?" he asked.
"Yes, and It's an important one!" She heard him squirt suntan lotion into his hand, and felt a cold touch on her back. "Ahh! Your hands are freezing!" she exclaimed.
"My body temperature's a bit lower than yours," he apologized.
"Oh, that's right," she remembered. She closed her eyes and relaxed under his touch. The warmth of the mid-day sun and the refreshing cool of his hands created quite a pleasant contrast on her skin… it was an interesting feeling, and she sighed, leaning back into his massaging hands.
The Doctor sat behind Sarah Jane, applying suntan lotion to her back with long, even, meticulous strokes. The hot hot sun of her hot hot planet beat down on him as he carefully massaged the coconut-scented goop into her hot hot skin…
For some peculiar reason, his body suddenly decided that it had received the appropriate sensory cues for dumping large quantities of certain hormones into his bloodstream, and he could feel his senses heightening in response. He tried to get his metabolism back under control, but found to his surprise that certain centers of his brain just weren't responding. Perhaps they'd decided to bugger off on a beach holiday of their own; he hoped they were having a less uncomfortable time of it than he was.
Thanks to the hormones singing in his veins, he could smell not only the coconut scent of the suntan lotion, but the individual chemicals that made up the artificial smell. The salty scent of the ocean seemed acrid, and he felt his stomach clench. And Sarah Jane… her scent was light and delicate and feminine, making him think of little purple flowers growing in a sunny field.
"Doctor, is something the matter?" he heard her ask from very far away, and he determinedly wrenched his endocrine system back under control.
"Of course not," he finally said, feeling the hormones being metabolized away as he spoke. "Why do you ask?"
"Um, well…" He glanced down at his hands, which were parked on either side of her waist, with his long fingers splayed out over her abdomen.
"I'm sorry, I was distracted," he muttered.
"Don't worry, you're quite in character!" she told him. She turned to face him. "We don't know who might be watching us, after all," she said softly, reaching up to touch his cheek. He nodded in wide-eyed silence. The hand on his cheek slipped around to the back of his neck, and she pulled him close. "Anyone could be a spy," she whispered.
"Oh dear, what'll we do?" he asked in an unsteady voice. The hormones were suddenly back, and this time they'd brought all their friends. She actually saw his eyes dilate while she watched, his pupils growing huge despite the brilliant mid-day sun.
"Well," she said softly, and kissed him. Unlike the previous night, he came up with the correct response right away. His arms went around her and he pulled her close, his hands sliding up her well-lubricated back.
Thunk! An inflatable beach ball connected solidly with the back of Sarah Jane's head, and she started in surprise. She pulled away from the Doctor and gave a shaky little laugh.
"Sorry, Miss," a deeply suntanned little boy said contritely. "Didn't mean to hit you with our ball."
"That's… that's quite all right," she told him. She watched the child lope back to his friends with his toy in hand, and then turned back to look at the Doctor. He was sitting cross-legged on his beach towel, staring out to sea. "See anything interesting out there?" she asked after a moment. He shook his head. "All right," she said with a sigh, and picked up her novel. The moment had been lost, and he obviously wasn't up for trying to find it again. She flopped down on her stomach and began to read, forcing herself to concentrate on her book rather than her confusing thoughts while the Doctor continued to stare silently at the ocean.


CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 3, "Theta, Theta, Pumpkin Pie!"