"The Honeymooners"
Chapter 3
"Theta, Theta, Pumpkin Pie!"
Dinner that evening was a particularly awkward affair, filled with lots of conversational false starts, abrupt stops, and uncomfortable silences. When at one point she reached across the table to take his hand, she wondered if he allowed the gesture because he enjoyed the contact or if he was just going along with their married couple charade. The uncertainty made her remove her hand as soon as the waiter had departed with their empty dessert plates. As they rose to leave, the Doctor stopped her with a hand on her arm.
"Look," he whispered into her ear. He was standing behind her, and he gently moved her so that she would see what had attracted his attention. "It's our old friend the manager."
"And he's got his binoculars again," she whispered back without turning around. They watched him exit the dining room, heading into the lobby. "I wonder what he's doing."
"Mmm. Shall we go and see?" he asked. She nodded. When they entered the lobby, they saw him leaving the building through the doors leading to the beach. "Care for another seaside stroll, my little Kumquat?"
"And they say romance is dead," she muttered, taking the arm he offered. They followed the manager up the beach, keeping far enough behind that they wouldn't create suspicion were he to turn and see them. After awhile, he stopped walking and put the binoculars to his eyes, staring out to sea.
"What's he looking for?" the Doctor asked rhetorically, shielding his eyes against the setting sun and scanning the horizon.
"Look at that bird," Sarah Jane said suddenly, pointing. "It looks like a black seagull! Seagulls don't come in black, do they?"
"I'm not sure," he replied. "I never was much for bird-watching."
"Doctor!" she suddenly exclaimed, grabbing his arm. "Don't look, but he's watching us!" He turned to look. "Don't look!" She sighed. "Here we go again," she said ruefully, putting her arms around his neck.
"Sarah Jane, this isn't a very good idea," he began.
"Do you have a better one?" He was silent. "Didn't think so." With a sigh of resignation, he pulled her into his arms and bent his head to kiss her. "I'm sorry this is such a huge chore for you," she said against his mouth.
"It's not a chore," he replied in kind.
"Well, you obviously don't like it!" she continued in the same manner.
"The problem is that I like it too much!"
"What??"
"This is a ridiculous way to have a conversation!" he exclaimed, pulling away but keeping his arms around her. "Look, you don't want to get involved with me this way."
"Says who?" she asked, suddenly sounding angry. "I'm an adult, you know. Sure, I may not be seven hundred something years old, but I am old enough to make my own decisions about who I want to have relationships with!"
"Of course you are," he agreed. "But they should be informed decisions, don't you think?"
"I…" She looked up into his eyes, which had become a dark blue in the fading light of the setting sun. "I'm not… What do you mean?"
"I'm not like you, Sarah Jane," he said with a sigh. One of his hands came up from her waist to brush a lock of dark hair out of her face. When he spoke again, his voice was wistful. "I wish I were, but I'm not. Once, a very long time ago, I thought I could be… but I was wrong."
"I'm sorry, I don't understand – "
"What a touching little scene," a new voice said mockingly. They turned to see a woman dressed in a white linen shirt and matching pants standing a few feet away, her arms folded across her chest. Dark glasses hid her eyes, and a large straw hat covered her hair, though a few dark strands had slipped free around her face. She looked at the Doctor. "You'll only make her more determined, you know. There's nothing these women love more than a challenge, and deep down inside they all have the same foolish belief that they can change a man into something he's not."
"Excuse me, this is a private conversation!" Sarah Jane snapped.
"Oh, she'll deny it, of course," the woman continued as though Sarah Jane hadn't even spoken. "They all do. But they like to think that they will be the one to make the difference, to do what no other woman could." She gave Sarah Jane a brief malicious smile before returning her attention to the Doctor. "They all like to believe that their love alone can transform a man into what they want him to be. Rather touching in a primitive sort of way, isn't it?"
"Have we met?" the Doctor asked rather stiffly, releasing his hold on Sarah Jane and crossing his arms over his chest, unconsciously mimicking the stranger's posture. The woman laughed.
"You don't remember me?" Her lips turned down in mock disappointment. "Theta, I'm hurt!" He looked startled at her use of his Time Lord designation, and she smiled. "Or do you prefer – " She said a long string of musical syllables that made him frown.
"Actually, I prefer 'Doctor' if it's all the same to you!" he said coldly.
"Oh dear," she said innocently. She glanced at Sarah Jane. "Hit a nerve, didn't I?" she asked in a conspiratorial tone.
"It's rather hard for me to say, since I haven't a clue what the two of you are talking about!" Sarah Jane replied with a shrug.
"No… you wouldn't, would you?"
"Enough of this," the Doctor snapped impatiently. "You obviously know me – "
"And you know me, Theta… oh, I'm sorry. Doctor." She smiled again. "Think carefully." He did, and his eyes widened.
"Good Lord!" he exclaimed. It can't be – " He only got through a couple of lilting syllables before the stranger cut him off.
"And I prefer to be known as 'the Rani' now, Doctor," she told him firmly.
"The Rani?" he repeated dubiously. "The Rani? What kind of ridiculous name is that?"
"Wait a minute, Doctor. You know her?" Sarah Jane asked.
"Oh yes… but I haven't seen her since graduation."
"Graduation?"
"We were at the Academy together," he explained. "Why, we even have the same birthday!"
"Only one of us has a birthday, Doctor," the Rani reminded him nastily.
"Yes," he agreed coldly. "I stand corrected."
"Look, what's this all about?" Sarah Jane demanded.
"I suspect we've found the person behind the abductions at the resort," he told her. The Rani's dark eyebrows went up.
"Very good, Doctor. You always were quite intelligent, even if you never really applied yourself in school."
"Look where all your studying got you," he replied with a shrug. "Never finished your doctorate, did you?"
"It must've been a really bad breakup," Sarah Jane suddenly said in a musing tone.
"What?" the Doctor and the Rani asked simultaneously. Sarah Jane shrugged.
"Well, the way you two argue, it's obvious that you used to – "
"You silly child!" the Rani said, laughing what might have actually been a genuine laugh. "He hasn't told you anything about Gallifrey, has he? Let me fill you in on a few facts – "
"Never mind about that," the Doctor interrupted. "I'd be much more interested in seeing what you're doing with all these humans you're abducting."
"Why do you care?" she asked, giving him an appraising look.
"You know me," he said with a shrug. "Always the scientist."
"If you're thinking of reporting me to the High Council for unethical experimentation on sentient beings – " she began.
"The thought never entered my mind," he said, sounding unconcerned. "If the Council doesn't care, why should I? And anyway," he continued with a grin. "I'm on holiday!" He wound an arm around Sarah Jane's waist and pulled her against him, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at the Time Lady.
"The unfortunate combination of Gallifreyan hormones and the sex drive of a human male make for a terribly undignified end result," the Rani said, sounding disgusted.
"Don't they?" he agreed. "But you must admit, I have an awful lot of fun!"
"Oh, is that what you call it?" the Rani asked. "I call it – "
"Yes, yes, I've heard it all before," he told her impatiently.
"What are you two talking about?" Sarah Jane asked, completely baffled by this conversation.
"Oh, how little you know him, my dear!" the Rani said with a nasty smile. She glanced at the Doctor. "Theta, Theta, pumpkin pie!" she chanted. "Kissed the girls and made them cry!"
"Very funny," he said quietly.
"It was Georgie Porgie Pudding Pie, actually," Sarah Jane corrected.
"What?" the Rani asked, confused.
"He's the one who kissed the girls and made them cry. You've confused him with Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, I think," she told the Rani helpfully. She gave the Doctor a significant look. "He had a wife but couldn't keep her."
"Ah, but he put her in a pumpkin shell," he reminded Sarah Jane in a very serious tone. "And there he kept her very well!"
"I defer to your superior knowledge," the Rani told them sardonically.
"About your experiments – " the Doctor prompted impatiently.
"Oh yes, you wanted to see what I've been doing while you've been busy enjoying yourself." She motioned for them to follow. "Come along. I wouldn't want to keep you from your… holiday pursuits any longer than necessary."
"How very kind of you," he said in a low voice. As they followed the Rani up the beach, he spoke very quietly to Sarah Jane. "Now it's your turn to follow my lead. You heard the sort of notions she has about us. I intend to play off them. No matter what I say or do, go along with it, all right?"
"All right, Doctor," she whispered with a nod. "But I draw the line at having sex with you in front of her!" she added hastily.
"I don't think that will be necessary," he said dryly.
"You don't think? So there's some question in your mind, is there?"
"I doubt it will come to that."
"Is that a pun?" she asked, astonished. "If it is, you should be shot!" He grinned down at her, giving her waist a friendly squeeze.
"All right, lovebirds," the Rani said ironically, pulling a TARDIS key out of her pocket. They had reached the rocky outcropping underneath the pier. She deftly stuck the key into one of the larger rocks, unlocking its hidden door and motioning them inside.
"This is quite some set-up," Sarah Jane said, gazing around at the dark interior of the Rani's console room with its subdued pink lighting and gyroscopic Time Rotor. "I think if I had a TARDIS, it would look like this."
"Really?" the Rani asked, surprising Sarah Jane by giving her a genuine smile.
"Minus the nasty pickled things in jars," she amended.
"Naturally," the Rani agreed. "You humans have very little interest in intellectual pursuits."
"Hang on a minute!" Sarah Jane flared. "We humans have – "
"Now, now, my little Lamb Chop," the Doctor interrupted. "You know we Time Lords are much more advanced than you humans can ever hope to be." She opened her mouth to say something, and then remembered what he'd said about going along with him and closed it again.
"Yes, Doctor," she said instead, lowering her eyes meekly.
"Come along," the Rani said. She pushed open the interior door and led them into the corridor. "I'm planning to take over a planet populated with primitives biologically similar to humans."
"Why would you want to do that?" the Doctor asked curiously.
"An experiment," she replied. "I want to see if I can guide them down a more satisfactory evolutionary path."
"Rather naughty of you, isn't it? You know we're not supposed to interfere."
"I've been banished from Gallifrey," she reminded him with a shrug. "So why should I care about following rules that only get in my way?"
"Next I suppose you'll say that the ends justify the means," Sarah Jane put in. The Rani turned, looking puzzled.
"Of course they do," she said, as though it were obvious. "All that matters is the final outcome."
"And you need humans for this why?" the Doctor asked. They had reached a door, and the Rani pushed it open.
"I need their brain chemicals," she replied, ushering them inside.
"It's the manager!" Sarah Jane gasped. He was strapped into a chair. There was some kind of elaborate apparatus attached to his head. His eyes were closed, and his skin was very pale. "You've killed him!"
"Nonsense," the Rani said. "I've merely made him a vegetable." She grinned wickedly. "Though I doubt anyone will notice. With humans, it's a bit difficult to tell the healthy from the vegetables!"
"Why?" the Doctor asked quietly.
"He failed me," she replied with a shrug. "He was rather inept and really no good for procuring subjects. He couldn't have been less subtle if he'd tried, standing on the beach with his binoculars looking for my signal. I don't know why I bothered with him in the first place."
"Really?" the Doctor wondered. "I know you… you never do anything without a reason."
"True," she admitted, smiling. "I needed someone to slip drugs into my intended subjects' food or drink. The drugs forced their brains to produce more of the chemicals I needed."
"With hallucinations as a side effect, I'm guessing," the Doctor added.
"Yes. I'm not sure why they thought that they were being kidnapped by little gray men." She looked thoughtful. "So, are you going to call home and turn me in?" He seemed to consider it carefully for a moment.
"No, I don't think I can be bothered," he said finally. "The High Council are all such bores, and I've got something much more interesting to occupy my time at the moment!" He put his arms around Sarah Jane's waist from behind and bent his head to kiss her neck.
"All right," the Rani said briskly, moving towards the door. "As wonderful as it's been to see you again, Theta, it's time for me to be on my way."
"Where are you going?" Sarah Jane asked as they followed her back to the console room.
"Somewhere else in Earth's history, probably," the Rani said. "I still need to collect more brain chemicals for my experiment."
"And what about the people who've already donated?" the human woman pressed.
"They'll be fine in time… not that it matters."
"Of course not," Sarah Jane said bitterly. The Doctor gave her hand a warning squeeze. The Rani began setting coordinates, and the Doctor leaned against the console, looking interested.
"Is that – " he began, pointing at a component.
"Don't touch!" she said irritably, slapping his hand away. He looked hurt.
"I just wanted to see – "
"Well, don't! You have your own TARDIS to break!" With a sigh, he put his hands in his pockets. The Rani hit the door switch. "Time to go," she told her guests.
"Thank you for a charming evening," Sarah Jane told the Rani sarcastically.
"Don't mention it… to anybody!" the Rani replied.
"Afraid it'll get back to the High Council?"
"Not – " She broke off, catching sight of the Doctor hovering over her control console. "I told you not to touch that!"
"Sorry!" he said, guiltily withdrawing his hand. They departed under the Rani's watchful glare.
"Well, that was interesting," the Doctor said as the Rani's TARDIS dematerialized.
"I can't believe you're not going to report her to Gallifrey!" Sarah Jane said.
"They wouldn't do anything anyway, so what's the point? Besides," he said with a grin. "She'll have a rather difficult time doing anything but hover in the Time Vortex for the next several centuries… a sonic screwdriver jammed in the temporal capacitor is no good for the navigational circuitry!"
"Oh dear," Sarah Jane said with mock sympathy. "Whatever will she do?"
"Fix it," he said. "Eventually. Once she figures out what's wrong. And that may take her a great deal of time!" She laughed, and he put an arm around her shoulders. "Shall we go back to the resort, Sugar Bumps?"
"Yes. I think you and I need to have a talk."
"Oh dear." He sounded worried. "Are we going to have our first quarrel?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"On whether you're ready to be straight with me."
"Straight? Of course I'm straight!" He frowned. "I wouldn't have married you if I weren't!"
"Very funny, Doctor. You know what I mean."
He did. With a sigh of resignation, he followed her back to the resort.
CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 4, "If You Like Piña Coladas"