TEAR, TEAR, WEEP, WEEP. BUFFY'S DYING! (exclamation not a happy one.) WELL
YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER, LOL. ANYWAY ONLY ABOUT TWO
OR THREE CHAPTERS LEFT, PROBABLY THREE, BUT WE'LL SEE. R/R!
Buffy helped Spike move the last of things back into their house. They were back together now. It had only been a few days, but to Buffy it was longer, and to Spike, even longer than that. They hadn't told anyone. Not Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Oz, Joyce Dawn or their kids. They didn't know how to. I mean how do you tell the people you love that you're going to be dead before the year's over. Buffy stood looking out the window of her and Spike's bedroom. She didn't want to be around anyone. Which surprised her. If she only had a limited time left, then why didn't she want to spend it with her friends and family? Suddenly she felt arms wrap around her waist and lips on her neck. She closed her eyes and leaned back into Spike.
"Hey" she said quietly.
"Hey baby" he said and rested his chin on her shoulder. "You're shaking."
"I know" she said and turned to face him. "How are we going to tell everyone?"
"I don't know baby, I. . .I don't know" Spike said. Buffy hugged him. She was so scared. She didn't want to die. But then again, no one wants to die, at least not most people.
'I'm scared" she whispered.
"That's comprehensible, I mean. . ." Spike, trailing off. He didn't want to use the words 'die, dying, dead or death.'
"Yeah" Buffy said looking down.
"We do have to tell them though sweetie, all of them, especially our children and your mother, and Dawn" Spike said.
"I know" Buffy said, trying to hold back tears.
"It's okay to do it baby" Spike said.
"Do what?" Buffy asked puzzled.
"Cry" Spike said.
"I can't, if I start, I won't stop, it took all my strength to stop the last time, I. . .I have to be strong" Buffy said.
"How can you possibly be strong at a time like this, I mean baby you're-" Spike began.
"I know!" Buffy yelled in frustration and fear and the calmed herself down. "I know. . .I just . . .I can't. . .oh god help me" Buffy said, finally breaking down and melting, almost collapsing into Spike's arms. He caught her and held her.
"Just let it out baby" he whispered.
**********************
Joyce was making pancakes for her and Dawn when Dawn came down the stairs.
"Hey mom" she said and sat at the island in the kitchen.
"Hey sweetie, sleep well? Sleep late?" Joyce joked. It was 12:30 in the afternoon. Dawn usually was up by 9:00, 9:30 tops.
"I was up late" Dawn said.
"Oh, well I'm making pancakes" Joyce said.
"Yum" Dawn smiled and then the phone rang. "I'll get it." She went over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello?
"Dawn, I have to talk to you and mom about something" Buffy said quietly.
"What? What's wrong?" Dawn asked.
"I'll be over in a while" Buffy said and hung up the phone. The tone of Buffy's voice put chills down Dawn's spine.
"What did Buffy want honey?" Joyce asked as Dawn hung up the phone.
"I don't know, she just said that she need to talk to us about something and that she would be over soon and hung up, mom I think something's wrong with her, the tone in her voice it. . .it wasn't right" Dawn said.
"What do you mean?" Joyce asked, finishing the pancakes and putting them on plate for her and Dawn.
"I don't know, it scared me" Dawn said.
"Was it mean?" Joyce asked.
"No. . .it was. . .timorous, like. . .like she was going to tell us that the world was ending or something" Dawn said.
"I hope she's okay" Joyce said. "I guess we'll have to find out when she gets here."
Buffy and Spike pulled up to Joyce's house an hour later. They took out the kids and entered the home.
"Hey Buffy" Dawn said happily and hugged her sister.
"Hi" Buffy said quietly.
"Uh. . .what are you two doing together?" Dawn asked, and then her eyes lit up. "Are you two. . .?"
"Yeah, but that's not what we came to talk about" Buffy said. Dawn squealed, and then quickly recovered.
"Sorry, I'm just so. . .happy!" she said and hugged them both.
"Dawn this isn't a joke okay" Buffy said firmly.
"Sorry" Dawn said in a more serious tone.
"We should go sit down, where's mom" Buffy said, the emotion draining from her voice.
"Uh, she's upstairs, mom!" Dawn called and Joyce came down the stairs.
"Buffy. . .and Spike, nice to see you both" Joyce said and hugged them both.
"They're back together" Dawn smiled and Buffy looked at her. "But it isn't a joke."
"What isn't a joke?" Joyce asked.
"Let's go into the living room okay" Buffy said and they all went and sat down.
"So, what's going on, what do you need to tell us?" Joyce asked.
"Okay, um. . .I. . .I don't know. . .how to say this" Buffy said, trying not to cry.
"Just say it" Dawn instructed.
"I went to the doctor a couple days ago and. . .I-I was feeling sick so I went and. . .they said that. . .the tumor's back" Buffy said. "And this time. . ."
"This time what?" Joyce asked.
"It's terminal" Buffy choked out.
"Oh god" Joyce whispered.
"No, no that can't be right, no they're wrong" Dawn said.
"No they're not honey" Buffy said.
"Yes! They have to be, you can't die you-you're too young, you have a whole life ahead of you" Dawn said.
"Dawn-" Buffy began.
"No! Say it, say that they're wrong" Dawn decreed.
"I can't sweetie, I'm gonna-" Buffy tried to say.
"No, no don't say it, don't you dare say it" Dawn warned.
"Dawn, sweetie-" Joyce stared, trying to calm her daughter.
"No, leave me alone" Dawn said and ran upstairs.
"Dawn" Joyce called after her.
"Let her be" Buffy said.
"Oh god baby I. . .I can't lose you" Joyce said quietly and tearfully.
"Mom I. . ." Buffy tried to say, but the words wouldn't contemplate themselves in her brain. She just hugged her mom and Joyce and Buffy began to cry.
*Later*
Buffy walked up the stairs to Dawn's room. She slowly opened the door and found Dawn sitting on her bed starring in plain shock at the wall.
"Dawnie" Buffy said quietly.
"Go away" Dawn said crossly.
"Honey we have to talk" Buffy said, sitting on Dawn's bed.
"What's to talk about?" Dawn said, not looking at Buffy.
"Hey you can't get mad at me, I'm the one who's dying here" Buffy said jokingly. Dawn looked at her with tears in her eyes.
"Don't say that" she said gravelly.
"Do you think I like this? Do you think I want to die? I don't, and I'm scared, I am so scared Dawnie" Buffy said tearfully.
"I can't lose you, you're my big sister, you've been there my entire life, my entire existence you have been there and I. . .I can't have that any other way" Dawn chocked.
"I know" Buffy said quietly and hugged her.
"What are you gonna do? Just want for it to happen?" Dawn asked.
"It's the only thing I can do" Buffy said.
"How long?" Dawn asked, afraid of her answer.
"Four months, maybe five" Buffy said.
"Oh god. . .that's not long enough" Dawn said.
"It wouldn't be if I would of said three years, it's never long enough, life's never long enough" Buffy said.
"Does anyone else know?" Dawn asked.
"No, just you, mom and Spike" Buffy told her.
"I'm so sorry" Dawn said.
"Me too, I guess I have some kind of bad karma or something" Buffy said half-jokingly and then she tuned quiet and serious. "I don't want to leave me children."
"I know" Dawn said and put her arm around her big sister. Buffy laid her head on Dawn's shoulder and Dawn held her. Spike came up a while later.
"Hey baby" Spike said.
"Hi" Buffy said.
"We should go, we still have people to tell" Spike said.
"No, I'm to tired to tell anyone else, you have to do it, please" Buffy said.
"Yeah, of course" Spike said. "Come on I'll take you home."
"Okay" Buffy said and got up, followed by Dawn.
"Buffy. . .I love you" Dawn said.
"I love you too honey" Buffy said and kissed Dawn on the forehead.
"Bye bit" Spike said and he took Buffy's hand and they got the kids and left.
Buffy woke up the next morning and heard voice from downstairs. She slowly sat up, straining her ears to hear who was down there. She heard Willow's voice, then Xander's, and Cordelia and Oz's also. 'Everyone's here, I can't face them right now' Buffy thought and laid back down. She heard Spike say, "I'll go get her," and she closed her eyes, hoping that he didn't mean her, but he did. He came into their room and lightly shook her.
"Buffy, sweetheart" he said quietly.
"Hmm" Buffy said, her eyes still closed.
"Everyone wants to talk to you baby, are you up for it?" Spike asked.
"I don't know" Buffy said, now opening her eyes and looking at Spike.
"Baby you have face them sooner or later, better sooner than later I say" Spike said.
"Maybe you're right, but I'm tired of having the same conversation, 'I'm dying' 'oh I'm so sorry,' I just. . .I'm tired" Buffy said.
"Do you want to stay up here? I can tell them to come back" Spike said.
"No, it's okay" Buffy said and Spike helped her out of bed. "Did you schedule the doctor's appointment?"
"Yeah, Thursday at nine in the morning" Spike said.
"Okay" Buffy said and they walked downstairs together. When Buffy reached the living room all the faces there were filled with grief and terror.
"Buffy" Willow said.
"Hey guys" Buffy said light heartedly.
"Buffy, how are you feeling?" Cordelia asked.
"Okay, for you know, how I should be feeling" Buffy said.
"Buff, I just. . .I can't get over this, you're. . .it isn't possible" Xander said.
"Yeah out of all of us, you're the one who least deserves this" Oz said.
"I don't think that anybody deserves this, but it doesn't change the fact that. . ." Buffy said.
"That you're not going to be here? I can't except that, there has to be something they can do" Willow said.
"There isn't Will, the tumor it. . .it's spread too much, to too many places. . .and it's going to kill me" Buffy said. Willow and Cordelia's eyes got teary. "Guys I don't want sympathy okay, I have four months left and I'm going to spend them doing things, not just lying around feeling sorry for myself, I can't stop this, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life."
"No, not ruin. . .it's just going to take it" Willow said quietly. Buffy went over to Willow and hugged her. Xander joined in the embrace.
"We can't give up Buff, we don't know how to" Xander said. Buffy closed her eyes and just held on to Willow and Xander. She didn't know when she was going to die, but she knew she wouldn't be along when she did. She had her friends, she had her mother, she had her sister, she had her children, and she had Spike, the love of her life. She was scared, but the fact that she had all of them to hold on to, meant that she wouldn't be alone when she went to heaven. She wanted to tell them all that it would be okay. That she would be okay. She wanted to make all their pain go away. The biggest thing that scared her was that when she died, her children wouldn't be old enough to remember her when the years passed. That she would just be a faded memory for them. She wanted them to know that she loved them and no matter what, nothing in this world would make her leave them, not even death.
Buffy helped Spike move the last of things back into their house. They were back together now. It had only been a few days, but to Buffy it was longer, and to Spike, even longer than that. They hadn't told anyone. Not Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Oz, Joyce Dawn or their kids. They didn't know how to. I mean how do you tell the people you love that you're going to be dead before the year's over. Buffy stood looking out the window of her and Spike's bedroom. She didn't want to be around anyone. Which surprised her. If she only had a limited time left, then why didn't she want to spend it with her friends and family? Suddenly she felt arms wrap around her waist and lips on her neck. She closed her eyes and leaned back into Spike.
"Hey" she said quietly.
"Hey baby" he said and rested his chin on her shoulder. "You're shaking."
"I know" she said and turned to face him. "How are we going to tell everyone?"
"I don't know baby, I. . .I don't know" Spike said. Buffy hugged him. She was so scared. She didn't want to die. But then again, no one wants to die, at least not most people.
'I'm scared" she whispered.
"That's comprehensible, I mean. . ." Spike, trailing off. He didn't want to use the words 'die, dying, dead or death.'
"Yeah" Buffy said looking down.
"We do have to tell them though sweetie, all of them, especially our children and your mother, and Dawn" Spike said.
"I know" Buffy said, trying to hold back tears.
"It's okay to do it baby" Spike said.
"Do what?" Buffy asked puzzled.
"Cry" Spike said.
"I can't, if I start, I won't stop, it took all my strength to stop the last time, I. . .I have to be strong" Buffy said.
"How can you possibly be strong at a time like this, I mean baby you're-" Spike began.
"I know!" Buffy yelled in frustration and fear and the calmed herself down. "I know. . .I just . . .I can't. . .oh god help me" Buffy said, finally breaking down and melting, almost collapsing into Spike's arms. He caught her and held her.
"Just let it out baby" he whispered.
**********************
Joyce was making pancakes for her and Dawn when Dawn came down the stairs.
"Hey mom" she said and sat at the island in the kitchen.
"Hey sweetie, sleep well? Sleep late?" Joyce joked. It was 12:30 in the afternoon. Dawn usually was up by 9:00, 9:30 tops.
"I was up late" Dawn said.
"Oh, well I'm making pancakes" Joyce said.
"Yum" Dawn smiled and then the phone rang. "I'll get it." She went over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello?
"Dawn, I have to talk to you and mom about something" Buffy said quietly.
"What? What's wrong?" Dawn asked.
"I'll be over in a while" Buffy said and hung up the phone. The tone of Buffy's voice put chills down Dawn's spine.
"What did Buffy want honey?" Joyce asked as Dawn hung up the phone.
"I don't know, she just said that she need to talk to us about something and that she would be over soon and hung up, mom I think something's wrong with her, the tone in her voice it. . .it wasn't right" Dawn said.
"What do you mean?" Joyce asked, finishing the pancakes and putting them on plate for her and Dawn.
"I don't know, it scared me" Dawn said.
"Was it mean?" Joyce asked.
"No. . .it was. . .timorous, like. . .like she was going to tell us that the world was ending or something" Dawn said.
"I hope she's okay" Joyce said. "I guess we'll have to find out when she gets here."
Buffy and Spike pulled up to Joyce's house an hour later. They took out the kids and entered the home.
"Hey Buffy" Dawn said happily and hugged her sister.
"Hi" Buffy said quietly.
"Uh. . .what are you two doing together?" Dawn asked, and then her eyes lit up. "Are you two. . .?"
"Yeah, but that's not what we came to talk about" Buffy said. Dawn squealed, and then quickly recovered.
"Sorry, I'm just so. . .happy!" she said and hugged them both.
"Dawn this isn't a joke okay" Buffy said firmly.
"Sorry" Dawn said in a more serious tone.
"We should go sit down, where's mom" Buffy said, the emotion draining from her voice.
"Uh, she's upstairs, mom!" Dawn called and Joyce came down the stairs.
"Buffy. . .and Spike, nice to see you both" Joyce said and hugged them both.
"They're back together" Dawn smiled and Buffy looked at her. "But it isn't a joke."
"What isn't a joke?" Joyce asked.
"Let's go into the living room okay" Buffy said and they all went and sat down.
"So, what's going on, what do you need to tell us?" Joyce asked.
"Okay, um. . .I. . .I don't know. . .how to say this" Buffy said, trying not to cry.
"Just say it" Dawn instructed.
"I went to the doctor a couple days ago and. . .I-I was feeling sick so I went and. . .they said that. . .the tumor's back" Buffy said. "And this time. . ."
"This time what?" Joyce asked.
"It's terminal" Buffy choked out.
"Oh god" Joyce whispered.
"No, no that can't be right, no they're wrong" Dawn said.
"No they're not honey" Buffy said.
"Yes! They have to be, you can't die you-you're too young, you have a whole life ahead of you" Dawn said.
"Dawn-" Buffy began.
"No! Say it, say that they're wrong" Dawn decreed.
"I can't sweetie, I'm gonna-" Buffy tried to say.
"No, no don't say it, don't you dare say it" Dawn warned.
"Dawn, sweetie-" Joyce stared, trying to calm her daughter.
"No, leave me alone" Dawn said and ran upstairs.
"Dawn" Joyce called after her.
"Let her be" Buffy said.
"Oh god baby I. . .I can't lose you" Joyce said quietly and tearfully.
"Mom I. . ." Buffy tried to say, but the words wouldn't contemplate themselves in her brain. She just hugged her mom and Joyce and Buffy began to cry.
*Later*
Buffy walked up the stairs to Dawn's room. She slowly opened the door and found Dawn sitting on her bed starring in plain shock at the wall.
"Dawnie" Buffy said quietly.
"Go away" Dawn said crossly.
"Honey we have to talk" Buffy said, sitting on Dawn's bed.
"What's to talk about?" Dawn said, not looking at Buffy.
"Hey you can't get mad at me, I'm the one who's dying here" Buffy said jokingly. Dawn looked at her with tears in her eyes.
"Don't say that" she said gravelly.
"Do you think I like this? Do you think I want to die? I don't, and I'm scared, I am so scared Dawnie" Buffy said tearfully.
"I can't lose you, you're my big sister, you've been there my entire life, my entire existence you have been there and I. . .I can't have that any other way" Dawn chocked.
"I know" Buffy said quietly and hugged her.
"What are you gonna do? Just want for it to happen?" Dawn asked.
"It's the only thing I can do" Buffy said.
"How long?" Dawn asked, afraid of her answer.
"Four months, maybe five" Buffy said.
"Oh god. . .that's not long enough" Dawn said.
"It wouldn't be if I would of said three years, it's never long enough, life's never long enough" Buffy said.
"Does anyone else know?" Dawn asked.
"No, just you, mom and Spike" Buffy told her.
"I'm so sorry" Dawn said.
"Me too, I guess I have some kind of bad karma or something" Buffy said half-jokingly and then she tuned quiet and serious. "I don't want to leave me children."
"I know" Dawn said and put her arm around her big sister. Buffy laid her head on Dawn's shoulder and Dawn held her. Spike came up a while later.
"Hey baby" Spike said.
"Hi" Buffy said.
"We should go, we still have people to tell" Spike said.
"No, I'm to tired to tell anyone else, you have to do it, please" Buffy said.
"Yeah, of course" Spike said. "Come on I'll take you home."
"Okay" Buffy said and got up, followed by Dawn.
"Buffy. . .I love you" Dawn said.
"I love you too honey" Buffy said and kissed Dawn on the forehead.
"Bye bit" Spike said and he took Buffy's hand and they got the kids and left.
Buffy woke up the next morning and heard voice from downstairs. She slowly sat up, straining her ears to hear who was down there. She heard Willow's voice, then Xander's, and Cordelia and Oz's also. 'Everyone's here, I can't face them right now' Buffy thought and laid back down. She heard Spike say, "I'll go get her," and she closed her eyes, hoping that he didn't mean her, but he did. He came into their room and lightly shook her.
"Buffy, sweetheart" he said quietly.
"Hmm" Buffy said, her eyes still closed.
"Everyone wants to talk to you baby, are you up for it?" Spike asked.
"I don't know" Buffy said, now opening her eyes and looking at Spike.
"Baby you have face them sooner or later, better sooner than later I say" Spike said.
"Maybe you're right, but I'm tired of having the same conversation, 'I'm dying' 'oh I'm so sorry,' I just. . .I'm tired" Buffy said.
"Do you want to stay up here? I can tell them to come back" Spike said.
"No, it's okay" Buffy said and Spike helped her out of bed. "Did you schedule the doctor's appointment?"
"Yeah, Thursday at nine in the morning" Spike said.
"Okay" Buffy said and they walked downstairs together. When Buffy reached the living room all the faces there were filled with grief and terror.
"Buffy" Willow said.
"Hey guys" Buffy said light heartedly.
"Buffy, how are you feeling?" Cordelia asked.
"Okay, for you know, how I should be feeling" Buffy said.
"Buff, I just. . .I can't get over this, you're. . .it isn't possible" Xander said.
"Yeah out of all of us, you're the one who least deserves this" Oz said.
"I don't think that anybody deserves this, but it doesn't change the fact that. . ." Buffy said.
"That you're not going to be here? I can't except that, there has to be something they can do" Willow said.
"There isn't Will, the tumor it. . .it's spread too much, to too many places. . .and it's going to kill me" Buffy said. Willow and Cordelia's eyes got teary. "Guys I don't want sympathy okay, I have four months left and I'm going to spend them doing things, not just lying around feeling sorry for myself, I can't stop this, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life."
"No, not ruin. . .it's just going to take it" Willow said quietly. Buffy went over to Willow and hugged her. Xander joined in the embrace.
"We can't give up Buff, we don't know how to" Xander said. Buffy closed her eyes and just held on to Willow and Xander. She didn't know when she was going to die, but she knew she wouldn't be along when she did. She had her friends, she had her mother, she had her sister, she had her children, and she had Spike, the love of her life. She was scared, but the fact that she had all of them to hold on to, meant that she wouldn't be alone when she went to heaven. She wanted to tell them all that it would be okay. That she would be okay. She wanted to make all their pain go away. The biggest thing that scared her was that when she died, her children wouldn't be old enough to remember her when the years passed. That she would just be a faded memory for them. She wanted them to know that she loved them and no matter what, nothing in this world would make her leave them, not even death.