Chapter 5 - Innocente
Our journey to Konan, in the south, began the next morning. This time when I watched Suzuno and saw how happy she was with Tatara, I just smiled. We'd stayed up late the night before, her telling me all about her plans for the future, how she wanted to marry Tatara and what her dream life with him would be like. Of course, being the unselfish girl that she was, she asked me tons of questions about what I wanted out of life too. I carefully avoided mentioning any fellow seishi's names, just giving general answers.
Despite the fact that I knew I was falling in love with him, I avoided Tokaki. I didn't know how to act around him. I wanted to be with him, I was happy when I was with him, but I was so unsure of what he thought of me that I could never make any sort of moves. Since Suzuno would be unable to answer any questions about figuring out how a guy felt, I approached Amefuri and Kokie.
"Amefuri," I began, thinking carefully of how to word it without giving too much away. "…What do you do when you may or may not have feelings for someone, but you don't want to say or do anything about these supposed feelings because you're unsure of how this someone might react, or whether they may or may not have the same supposed feelings towards you?"
Amefuri stared at me for a second, then burst out laughing. Kokie quirked an eyebrow, then kicked her horse and took off ahead of the group. I watched Kokie ride off, then turned back to Amefuri, who was still laughing. "…What?"
"Nothing," She shook her head. "We just had some suspicions."
"Oh." I blushed again. "So, what's your answer?"
"Easy. Ask him." She smiled slyly, then took off after Kokie.
During the five days that it took to get to the capital of Konan, I nearly asked Tokaki the question about twenty times, but I always ended up stopping myself. By now, I thought, he must have figured out my feelings. But if he did, he never said anything about it. I was beginning to wonder whether my quest was futile. I didn't talk anymore to Amefuri or Kokie about it, though.
When we did get to Konan, it took days to line up an audience with the Emperor, and when we finally did, it turned out he had no idea where the Shinzaho was located. The Miko had come so long ago, he told us, that the legend was practically forgotten, dismissed as a myth.
Tired and disappointed, we returned to the inn for another night. Suzuno had finally begun to loose a bit of her cool, and actually yelled at Tatara when he tried to tell her that everything would be fine. We were all pretty tense and angry over the situation.
Just when I was falling asleep that night, there was a knock on my door. A little annoyed, I pulled my robe around me and pulled the door opened, more than surprised to find Tokaki standing there. He looked a tad disappointed that I was fully dressed, but got over it.
"I, uh… Just wanted to see how you were holding up."
"Fine." I sighed and sat on the edge of my bed.
"Good." He came in and closed the door behind him, and if not for being exhausted and grumpy, I would have started to panic. "Suzuno and Tatara have happily reconciled, by the way."
"Of course they have. Suzuno told me one of her wishes is going to be to stay in this world, with Tatara, and live happily ever after."
Tokaki smirked. "I can see that. Tatara's totally whipped."
"…What are you going to do, after this is all over?"
"I don't know. Travel, I guess. Konan seems like a nice place to live." He shrugged, sitting next to me.
"Konan? Why don't you want to stay in Sairou?"
"No reason to," he stated bluntly, and I remembered that he had mentioned in passing that his family was dead.
"And… If you had a reason?"
"I would stay." He looked at me so intently that I had to turn away. I could feel my cheeks flush crimson.
"What…" For a split second, I considered just changing the topic and moving on, but it was to late to turn back. "What would the reason have to be?"
"Subaru…?" I turned and looked at him again, and I knew that my eyes gave away everything I felt. But he didn't look surprised at all. Instead, he slid an arm around my waist and pulled me to him.
For a moment that seemed like an eternity, we remained only inches apart. I'd never felt more scared in my life, but never more sure of myself and what I wanted. Tentatively, I raised a hand to his face, brushing a strand of hair from his eyes. Everything seemed as if in slow motion, or that it was frozen in time, and I was frightened of making any sudden movements for fear that the moment would be ruined.
When his lips touched mine, I felt as if I could have died. He held me tighter, his hands on my back, and I moved my arm around his neck, my other hand still on his cheek, holding onto him as if he'd disappear should I let go.
"Tokaki… I love you…"
It didn't matter that he didn't echo my words. It didn't matter that for the rest of the night, save for my name, he didn't say anything. I didn't care. For months, I'd know that this was what I'd wanted, and now that he was here with me, I didn't care if he said anything or not. If he came to me like this, then he must have loved me, whether he put it in words or not.
Sleeping in his arms, I had never felt more safe, or warm, or content. I just wanted to stay there forever. The rest of the world could just float away, and I wouldn't have cared less. That night, I dreamt only of us together, of others watching us with the same envy that I had felt towards Tatara and Suzuno.
***
The smile I woke up with didn't last. Even before I opened my eyes, I knew that Tokaki was gone. I couldn't hear his breathing or his skin against mine. I opened my eyes slowly, sitting up and gazing around the room, and my heart sunk in my chest. There was no sign that he'd even been here at all, and for a moment I though that it was all just a dream.
But I knew it wasn't. And now it had turned into a nightmare.
I lay back down, bringing the sheets up to my chin, and I waited. There was always the chance that he'd just gone to get something, or check on the others, or… Anything. He wouldn't just leave, without a goodbye.
"He loves me," I whispered, but there was only silence in response.
Finally, after nearly an hour, there was a knock on the door, and I sat up, staring at the door expectantly. "…Yes?"
"Subaru?" It was Suzuno. My heart sank. "Are you almost ready? We're going soon."
"…I'll be down in a minute," I called, but when her footsteps disappeared down the hallway, I didn't get up. I buried my face in the pillow, trying to muffle the sobs that came, but no matter how I tried, I couldn't stop crying.
Everything that I'd dreamed of for months, everything I'd wanted, everything I'd been reaching for, everything had been torn apart in a matter of minutes. My heart ached and I could hardly even breath. Never in my life had my soul hurt so much, not even after the death of my parents.
But slowly, I got out of bed and dressed. Even though this had happened, my feelings didn't matter in my duty as a seishi. I dreaded leaving the room, and I would have been happier to just stay in bed and cry all day - but I couldn't quit.
Going down the hall, Kokie's voice caught my attention from behind one of the closed doors.
"You bastard--!"
"Ow! Kokie, what the hell?!" Tokaki. My heart stopped. I told myself I should just keep walking, forget about it, but I couldn't.
"What the hell are you thinking? Why did you do that to her?" Oh, God. No, Kokie, don't do that… Don't talk about me.
"…I don't know what you mean."
"Bullshit! What is it, you just thought you'd try her out, then found out she wasn't good enough?! Women aren't toys, you can't play with them like that."
"That's not what happened." A pause. "…You don't know what you're talking about."
"The hell I don't. I know guys like you. You're all the same. You won't get away with this, I swear to God. You better damn well apologize to her, now."
"This is none of your fucking business! You don't know me! You don't…"
I walked away. I couldn't stand hearing any more. I didn't want to know what the reason was, why he'd done that. And now that I knew if I did get an apology, it would only be because of Kokie… It only hurt more to think about it.
When I came down to the lobby, Amefuri, Tatara and Suzuno were already there. They stopped talking when I came in, and I wondered for a moment if they knew, if Kokie had told them. I knew she wouldn't, though. Kokie wasn't like that.
When the other two came down a few minutes later, Amefuri looked curious, but still, no one said anything. I couldn't even bear to look at Tokaki, and he didn't approach me. Just being in the same room was enough to bring back thoughts of the night before, and that was the last thing I wanted to think about.
In the days that followed, as we left the capital of Konan in search of a fabled temple of Suzaku in the north of the country, still no one asked me about what happened. I was unsure whether anyone other than Kokie actually knew. I wasn't certain whether no one saying anything made me relieved or upset. In the end, though, I was happy with it. I didn't terribly want to talk to anyone, and for the most part, was content to just wallow in my own self-pity.
Tokaki, though… I didn't know what I wanted when it came to him. Half of me hated him for what he'd done, and that half never wanted to see him again. The other half, though, longed for a word, a glance, anything - but never got anything. The combination caused me to cry myself to sleep every night of our journey.
Our journey to Konan, in the south, began the next morning. This time when I watched Suzuno and saw how happy she was with Tatara, I just smiled. We'd stayed up late the night before, her telling me all about her plans for the future, how she wanted to marry Tatara and what her dream life with him would be like. Of course, being the unselfish girl that she was, she asked me tons of questions about what I wanted out of life too. I carefully avoided mentioning any fellow seishi's names, just giving general answers.
Despite the fact that I knew I was falling in love with him, I avoided Tokaki. I didn't know how to act around him. I wanted to be with him, I was happy when I was with him, but I was so unsure of what he thought of me that I could never make any sort of moves. Since Suzuno would be unable to answer any questions about figuring out how a guy felt, I approached Amefuri and Kokie.
"Amefuri," I began, thinking carefully of how to word it without giving too much away. "…What do you do when you may or may not have feelings for someone, but you don't want to say or do anything about these supposed feelings because you're unsure of how this someone might react, or whether they may or may not have the same supposed feelings towards you?"
Amefuri stared at me for a second, then burst out laughing. Kokie quirked an eyebrow, then kicked her horse and took off ahead of the group. I watched Kokie ride off, then turned back to Amefuri, who was still laughing. "…What?"
"Nothing," She shook her head. "We just had some suspicions."
"Oh." I blushed again. "So, what's your answer?"
"Easy. Ask him." She smiled slyly, then took off after Kokie.
During the five days that it took to get to the capital of Konan, I nearly asked Tokaki the question about twenty times, but I always ended up stopping myself. By now, I thought, he must have figured out my feelings. But if he did, he never said anything about it. I was beginning to wonder whether my quest was futile. I didn't talk anymore to Amefuri or Kokie about it, though.
When we did get to Konan, it took days to line up an audience with the Emperor, and when we finally did, it turned out he had no idea where the Shinzaho was located. The Miko had come so long ago, he told us, that the legend was practically forgotten, dismissed as a myth.
Tired and disappointed, we returned to the inn for another night. Suzuno had finally begun to loose a bit of her cool, and actually yelled at Tatara when he tried to tell her that everything would be fine. We were all pretty tense and angry over the situation.
Just when I was falling asleep that night, there was a knock on my door. A little annoyed, I pulled my robe around me and pulled the door opened, more than surprised to find Tokaki standing there. He looked a tad disappointed that I was fully dressed, but got over it.
"I, uh… Just wanted to see how you were holding up."
"Fine." I sighed and sat on the edge of my bed.
"Good." He came in and closed the door behind him, and if not for being exhausted and grumpy, I would have started to panic. "Suzuno and Tatara have happily reconciled, by the way."
"Of course they have. Suzuno told me one of her wishes is going to be to stay in this world, with Tatara, and live happily ever after."
Tokaki smirked. "I can see that. Tatara's totally whipped."
"…What are you going to do, after this is all over?"
"I don't know. Travel, I guess. Konan seems like a nice place to live." He shrugged, sitting next to me.
"Konan? Why don't you want to stay in Sairou?"
"No reason to," he stated bluntly, and I remembered that he had mentioned in passing that his family was dead.
"And… If you had a reason?"
"I would stay." He looked at me so intently that I had to turn away. I could feel my cheeks flush crimson.
"What…" For a split second, I considered just changing the topic and moving on, but it was to late to turn back. "What would the reason have to be?"
"Subaru…?" I turned and looked at him again, and I knew that my eyes gave away everything I felt. But he didn't look surprised at all. Instead, he slid an arm around my waist and pulled me to him.
For a moment that seemed like an eternity, we remained only inches apart. I'd never felt more scared in my life, but never more sure of myself and what I wanted. Tentatively, I raised a hand to his face, brushing a strand of hair from his eyes. Everything seemed as if in slow motion, or that it was frozen in time, and I was frightened of making any sudden movements for fear that the moment would be ruined.
When his lips touched mine, I felt as if I could have died. He held me tighter, his hands on my back, and I moved my arm around his neck, my other hand still on his cheek, holding onto him as if he'd disappear should I let go.
"Tokaki… I love you…"
It didn't matter that he didn't echo my words. It didn't matter that for the rest of the night, save for my name, he didn't say anything. I didn't care. For months, I'd know that this was what I'd wanted, and now that he was here with me, I didn't care if he said anything or not. If he came to me like this, then he must have loved me, whether he put it in words or not.
Sleeping in his arms, I had never felt more safe, or warm, or content. I just wanted to stay there forever. The rest of the world could just float away, and I wouldn't have cared less. That night, I dreamt only of us together, of others watching us with the same envy that I had felt towards Tatara and Suzuno.
***
The smile I woke up with didn't last. Even before I opened my eyes, I knew that Tokaki was gone. I couldn't hear his breathing or his skin against mine. I opened my eyes slowly, sitting up and gazing around the room, and my heart sunk in my chest. There was no sign that he'd even been here at all, and for a moment I though that it was all just a dream.
But I knew it wasn't. And now it had turned into a nightmare.
I lay back down, bringing the sheets up to my chin, and I waited. There was always the chance that he'd just gone to get something, or check on the others, or… Anything. He wouldn't just leave, without a goodbye.
"He loves me," I whispered, but there was only silence in response.
Finally, after nearly an hour, there was a knock on the door, and I sat up, staring at the door expectantly. "…Yes?"
"Subaru?" It was Suzuno. My heart sank. "Are you almost ready? We're going soon."
"…I'll be down in a minute," I called, but when her footsteps disappeared down the hallway, I didn't get up. I buried my face in the pillow, trying to muffle the sobs that came, but no matter how I tried, I couldn't stop crying.
Everything that I'd dreamed of for months, everything I'd wanted, everything I'd been reaching for, everything had been torn apart in a matter of minutes. My heart ached and I could hardly even breath. Never in my life had my soul hurt so much, not even after the death of my parents.
But slowly, I got out of bed and dressed. Even though this had happened, my feelings didn't matter in my duty as a seishi. I dreaded leaving the room, and I would have been happier to just stay in bed and cry all day - but I couldn't quit.
Going down the hall, Kokie's voice caught my attention from behind one of the closed doors.
"You bastard--!"
"Ow! Kokie, what the hell?!" Tokaki. My heart stopped. I told myself I should just keep walking, forget about it, but I couldn't.
"What the hell are you thinking? Why did you do that to her?" Oh, God. No, Kokie, don't do that… Don't talk about me.
"…I don't know what you mean."
"Bullshit! What is it, you just thought you'd try her out, then found out she wasn't good enough?! Women aren't toys, you can't play with them like that."
"That's not what happened." A pause. "…You don't know what you're talking about."
"The hell I don't. I know guys like you. You're all the same. You won't get away with this, I swear to God. You better damn well apologize to her, now."
"This is none of your fucking business! You don't know me! You don't…"
I walked away. I couldn't stand hearing any more. I didn't want to know what the reason was, why he'd done that. And now that I knew if I did get an apology, it would only be because of Kokie… It only hurt more to think about it.
When I came down to the lobby, Amefuri, Tatara and Suzuno were already there. They stopped talking when I came in, and I wondered for a moment if they knew, if Kokie had told them. I knew she wouldn't, though. Kokie wasn't like that.
When the other two came down a few minutes later, Amefuri looked curious, but still, no one said anything. I couldn't even bear to look at Tokaki, and he didn't approach me. Just being in the same room was enough to bring back thoughts of the night before, and that was the last thing I wanted to think about.
In the days that followed, as we left the capital of Konan in search of a fabled temple of Suzaku in the north of the country, still no one asked me about what happened. I was unsure whether anyone other than Kokie actually knew. I wasn't certain whether no one saying anything made me relieved or upset. In the end, though, I was happy with it. I didn't terribly want to talk to anyone, and for the most part, was content to just wallow in my own self-pity.
Tokaki, though… I didn't know what I wanted when it came to him. Half of me hated him for what he'd done, and that half never wanted to see him again. The other half, though, longed for a word, a glance, anything - but never got anything. The combination caused me to cry myself to sleep every night of our journey.