'I would have said yes.' The phrase repeated in his mind as he stared at
the place she last stood.
His eyes filled with tears once again and he turned to walk away. He would go where he needed to go, and that was Africa. Not even Abby, no especially not Abby, was going to keep him from going.
'I would have said yes.' Why did it persist to repeat? Why did it even matter? He didn't not ask because he thought she might say no; or did he?
'It just didn't feel right.' Was that the truth?
Something stopped him.
He knew what he had to do.
He turned back around and walked into the ER. "Abby," he said as he saw her walking away from him.
She froze, but didn't turn back to face him.
They were going to replay the night.
"Abby, what if I asked now?"
"What?" she said spinning around to face him. He noticed her wipe at the tears that stained her face.
"Would you still say yes?" he asked quietly.
The entire ER quieted, although neither Abby nor Carter noticed that they had suddenly become the focus of everyone's attention.
"I don't know," she admitted biting her lip and shaking her head.
"You know I love you, right?" he stated rather then asked.
She nodded her head, but tried to avoid his gaze.
"And. ." he began.
But she cut him off, "and I love you too Carter, but. ."
". . no buts Abby. Right here, right now."
"Don't," she warned.
"Will you marry me?" he asked.
He watched a new rush of tears run down her cheeks and he wanted to wipe them away, but he made no move to do so.
"You're going to Africa," she said.
"Please Abby, say you'll marry me."
"I can't," she said shakily.
He was heartbroken; he would be lying if he said that he hadn't expected her to say yes.
"Abby," he whispered.
"Not if you're just going to leave, Carter, I can't do that."
"What if I stayed?" he hadn't meant to ask the question, it had just slipped.
"And when you regret it?"
"I'll have you."
"And you'll blame me."
"Never."
"I can't make you stay knowing that you'll hate me for it," she said.
"Well I can't go knowing that you'll hate me for it," he countered.
"Timing," she whispered, to low for him to hear.
"What?" he asked.
"For us, it always comes down to timing doesn't it?" she asked.
"Yeah, it seems that way," he agreed reluctantly. He suddenly realized that they were in the middle of the ER, and he gently motioned for her to come outside.
She followed him wordlessly, looking lost.
"Why do you need to go?" she asked, sincerely wanting to know.
"It's something I've always wanted to do," he said looking into the distance. "I. . there are people out there that need help, and if I can give that to them," he stopped and looked back at her sadly, "then I need to give that to them."
"I have no right to ask you to stay," she said after a few minutes.
"You're wrong," he replied. "You're the only one who does have a right to ask me to stay."
"I won't hate you, you know." She stuttered. "If you go."
"You're all I have left, Ab, and if I'm going to lose you by going, then I'll stay."
"Why weren't you going to say goodbye? Why weren't you going to tell me?"
"I'm sorry," was the only reply he could think of.
"You have to go," she stated. There was no emotion behind it, at least not any that he could read.
"What does this mean for us?" he asked, slightly scared.
"Ask me again when you get back," she said with a slight smile.
"Could you spare me the suspense?" he asked.
"Two weeks right?"
"Yeah, two weeks."
"Well if you're back in two weeks, then you can be sure that. . . I love you."
"Abby," he whined.
"That's all you're getting doctor."
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply. Closing his eyes, he willed himself to memorize the moment. She hadn't given him any promises, but that was okay, because she had given him her love.
His eyes filled with tears once again and he turned to walk away. He would go where he needed to go, and that was Africa. Not even Abby, no especially not Abby, was going to keep him from going.
'I would have said yes.' Why did it persist to repeat? Why did it even matter? He didn't not ask because he thought she might say no; or did he?
'It just didn't feel right.' Was that the truth?
Something stopped him.
He knew what he had to do.
He turned back around and walked into the ER. "Abby," he said as he saw her walking away from him.
She froze, but didn't turn back to face him.
They were going to replay the night.
"Abby, what if I asked now?"
"What?" she said spinning around to face him. He noticed her wipe at the tears that stained her face.
"Would you still say yes?" he asked quietly.
The entire ER quieted, although neither Abby nor Carter noticed that they had suddenly become the focus of everyone's attention.
"I don't know," she admitted biting her lip and shaking her head.
"You know I love you, right?" he stated rather then asked.
She nodded her head, but tried to avoid his gaze.
"And. ." he began.
But she cut him off, "and I love you too Carter, but. ."
". . no buts Abby. Right here, right now."
"Don't," she warned.
"Will you marry me?" he asked.
He watched a new rush of tears run down her cheeks and he wanted to wipe them away, but he made no move to do so.
"You're going to Africa," she said.
"Please Abby, say you'll marry me."
"I can't," she said shakily.
He was heartbroken; he would be lying if he said that he hadn't expected her to say yes.
"Abby," he whispered.
"Not if you're just going to leave, Carter, I can't do that."
"What if I stayed?" he hadn't meant to ask the question, it had just slipped.
"And when you regret it?"
"I'll have you."
"And you'll blame me."
"Never."
"I can't make you stay knowing that you'll hate me for it," she said.
"Well I can't go knowing that you'll hate me for it," he countered.
"Timing," she whispered, to low for him to hear.
"What?" he asked.
"For us, it always comes down to timing doesn't it?" she asked.
"Yeah, it seems that way," he agreed reluctantly. He suddenly realized that they were in the middle of the ER, and he gently motioned for her to come outside.
She followed him wordlessly, looking lost.
"Why do you need to go?" she asked, sincerely wanting to know.
"It's something I've always wanted to do," he said looking into the distance. "I. . there are people out there that need help, and if I can give that to them," he stopped and looked back at her sadly, "then I need to give that to them."
"I have no right to ask you to stay," she said after a few minutes.
"You're wrong," he replied. "You're the only one who does have a right to ask me to stay."
"I won't hate you, you know." She stuttered. "If you go."
"You're all I have left, Ab, and if I'm going to lose you by going, then I'll stay."
"Why weren't you going to say goodbye? Why weren't you going to tell me?"
"I'm sorry," was the only reply he could think of.
"You have to go," she stated. There was no emotion behind it, at least not any that he could read.
"What does this mean for us?" he asked, slightly scared.
"Ask me again when you get back," she said with a slight smile.
"Could you spare me the suspense?" he asked.
"Two weeks right?"
"Yeah, two weeks."
"Well if you're back in two weeks, then you can be sure that. . . I love you."
"Abby," he whined.
"That's all you're getting doctor."
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply. Closing his eyes, he willed himself to memorize the moment. She hadn't given him any promises, but that was okay, because she had given him her love.