Disclaimer~ Teen Titans and all other related characters and material are
the property of DC comics and Cartoon Network. I do not own them, nor do I
claim such ownership. All additional material is of my own creation.
Chapter 4: Unfinished Affection By: Ansa
"I'm knowing that right now is all that matters.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right."
-The Ataris
The day had winded down before her as she sat in her room still alone with these traitorous feelings swelling inside her chest. The tears had finally stopped flowing, and she was able to sit in silence, and sort things out as best she can without summoning back the sorrow that leaked from her eyes. It did not hurt to think of these things anymore, her migraines in trying had passed, and she was able for the first time in a while, take in a deep breath and relax.
"*KNOCK* *KNOCK* H-Hey Raven, you ok?" A soft gentle voice sounded from outside her door just as the warm air she had just taken in, was exhaled out her lungs and passed her lips. Even though the heavy steel muffled the tone of voice, she knew immediately who it was; Beast Boy had come out of concern. Perhaps it had taken him longer than he initially planned but, he had a hard time of figuring out how you console someone as complicated as her. At first she hesitated, waiting for that flush of pink upon her cheeks, but something strange happened. This time, she felt no such feelings overtake her, nor the blush upon her face; instead, she felt a strange swell of comfort all over her body. She might have preferred the old mind shaking emotions; at least she was used to them, what she knew now as completely new to her and scared her slightly, but not enough to acknowledge his call.
"I'm fine."
"You sure?" Raven had to search herself for a moment, his concern was sincere. She felt cared for, like a family. But still, she wasn't about to drag him into her own problems.
"Yeah." Her voice trembled a bit, but it managed its way out. And Raven was once again left with her thoughts to her own. She listened carefully as BB soft footsteps made their way passed her door and slowly started to fade away. These soft patters echoed in her mind, each one sinking her deeper into a cold feeling of regret and sorrow. The cold engulfed her, forcing her to wrap her arms around her chest, hanging her head low, her powerful mind trying to force back the bitter regret that hung in her heart. She felt the room grow around her, making her feel even more insignificant in an already large universe. She was truly alone now, she knew that, she knew that she didn't have to be, and yet she let it go. No, she was not going to let this pass alone, she did not know how to fight it alone, or even if she could.
"Beast Boy wait!"
"So, what's going on?" The two had sat themselves down on the floor leaning against the edge of Ravens bed, the only light being that of a single candle in the corner, a symbol of her last hope for sanity. Raven curled herself up, holding her knees tight and resting under her chin, barely making eye contact with the first person she had invited into her room, a boy for that matter.
"I don't know; I just.I never had lost control like this before."
"What do you mean?" Beast Boy was confused, but still he did not show it, the only thing he wished to reveal was his concern. For a moment Raven did not answer, feeling her eyes getting moist at the thought of it, but her words that she soon spoke gave her a chance to fight them back.
"Today."
"Yeah?"
"Today I saw Robin and Starfire kissing." The words had left her lips for several long moments now, but its meaning had left the listener in shock. A strong numbness waved across Beast Boys body as his mind put together all the clues and tender moments the two shared that eventually came to the conclusion that led to a kiss. Robin and Starfire, he should have figured it out earlier, but he didn't, no one had until this point.
"Wow, I feel slow." Raven fought back a smile, one of the very few times she found Beast Boys joke funny. He turned to her, still confused, for his face showed it. "But why should that bother you so much?"
"That's the problem, I don't know. I've always been in somewhat control of my feelings, normally that wouldn't bother me but lately it's been weird. It's like I have no say in what they do anymore, like my emotions can do whatever they want whenever they want despite my objections." She could feel the room grow tense as silence fell upon them again. At this point Beast Boy was just as confused as she was, he didn't have any answers for her, but simply being there was enough for her.
"Well, like what kind of emotions do you feel are going out of control, I mean like, what other situations have you 'lost control?'" Ravens cheeks flushed a hot pink and her head shot up from behind her knees, her eyes darted back and forth, her mind desperately searching for something to redirect the conversation. She knew very well which situations made her loose control, but she couldn't very well tell him such things. It wasn't just out of courtesy, but it was also out of fear, fear for what those emotions might mean.
"I just.I just wish things were back to normal, when I couldn't feel these things. They only make things worse." Raven set her head back into place, her eyes returning to their spot on the floor.
"Well, maybe it's better to have them. I mean, it's not good to fell nothing at all."
"I had emotions before, but I not these kinds. Not the ones that hurt more than they were supposed to."
"I hate to sound like some cheap 'after-school special', but everyone has those feelings at some point, It's a part of life. The trick is to deal with them the best way you know."
"But I don't KNOW how to deal with them, I've never had them before; I don't even know what they mean. Why would something that has nothing to do with me cause me so much pain?"
"I don't mean at all to sound like I understand how you're feeling, but maybe you acted like that because you never experienced the affection they are." Beast Boy quickly flushed his own shade of red, comprehending the words he just spoke, and who he said them to. Next to him he could see that Ravens eyes had opened slightly wider as she pondered the situation, his words sinking in and her eyes feeling drenched but not yet tearing.
She didn't want to believe it was the truth; she refused to even acknowledge the suggestion. Yet deep down, she knew that all she stubbornness would not be able to hide that which she knew to be true. Jealousy and affection were the two emotions she had never come across in her life. Now she realized that she still hadn't felt affection, but she coveted it so. The warm feeling in her heart from the love of another, she would never know, or so she thought. She was convinced that she would forever be a slave to these shackling emotions and that she would not be free to live like she wanted. Her heart soon ached once again, her hear hurt as the tears forced their way through her mental block. Her head sank lower behind her knees and she wept, not caring anymore who saw her do so.
Then she felt a slight pressure on her right hand as it was pulled from its place on her knees, and grasped gently. Raven looked up to see her hand held tenderly by Beast Boys, his eyes filled with comfort as he looked at her.
"W-What are you doing?"
"Just go with it." Then before she knew it, they were both leaning in, their eyes becoming more and more shallow on the way. With his left hand holding hers, his right moved up to her cheek, easing her in. Neither of them felt nervous, or had the time to blush. The feeling they were getting was unlike anything else in the world. Most people would say that time stops, but to them, it seemed to fly by, it was only them that became sluggish. It was like a drug, it was like their bodies had switched into a pre-set program for kissing, that all they had to do was sit back and enjoy the ecstasy of it all. Their eyes closed now, their lips began to shape themselves to receive each other, curling upward slightly and moistening to make the experience soft and pleasant. The warmth of each others breath blew against their cheeks and only enticed the two more.
"HEY BEAST BOY, I WANT A REMATCH!!!" Suddenly, Cyborgs bellows broke the scene quickly as the open door filled itself with his looming outline. Quickly the two shot back to their original positions, hands placed firmly on the floor and faces painfully straight ahead of them. Now that the moment had passed, the red color returned, full force to their faces. "Hey, what are you guys doing in here?" His tone was very suspicious sounding, with a slight hint of laughter sounding at the awkward situation.
"Uh.we were just talking." Beast Boy stood up, his hand moved to the back of his head, scratching his tuffed hair as he made his pathetic attempt at covering up their actions, lucky for him when it comes to video games; Cyborg had a one track mind.
"Oh, well then I guess that means you're not willing to defend your title."
"I didn't say that!" Beast Boy raced to the door following Cyborg as he moved down the hall to the living room, firing up the Gamestation. But just before he left, he leaned in past the door frame and gave Raven a warm smile.
After his smiling face left her view, Raven sat their, going back on what had just happened, or to be more precise what almost happened. Her tears had faded halfway into their attempt, but the returned now, but they were not tears of sorrow, but rather tears of joy. For she knew now that there was at least someone who would show her affection, someone who was willing to be with her and make her feel wanted and cared for. And as the tears rolled down her cheek she smiled and let her heart rest from the pain that had plagued it most of the day. Raven lay back onto the edge of her bed, feeling the soft cushion of her cover lighting her head feeling soft against her skin, much like his hand against her cheek. She felt comfort in his touch, she felt like nothing she ever had before, she now know what Robin and Starfire were feeling at that time on the roof. She was happy, and now, she could finally rest, her mind and soul at ease.
Slowly she got up to closed the door and the darkness once again retuned to her room. In the privacy of the impervious veil, she removed her uniform, replacing it with her pajama top leaving the bottom in the drawer. Her bare legs felt a cool zing as she slipped beneath the sheets of her bed, laying on her back staring up at the ceiling, and falling asleep with the memory of the affection yet unfinished.
Chapter 4: Unfinished Affection By: Ansa
"I'm knowing that right now is all that matters.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right."
-The Ataris
The day had winded down before her as she sat in her room still alone with these traitorous feelings swelling inside her chest. The tears had finally stopped flowing, and she was able to sit in silence, and sort things out as best she can without summoning back the sorrow that leaked from her eyes. It did not hurt to think of these things anymore, her migraines in trying had passed, and she was able for the first time in a while, take in a deep breath and relax.
"*KNOCK* *KNOCK* H-Hey Raven, you ok?" A soft gentle voice sounded from outside her door just as the warm air she had just taken in, was exhaled out her lungs and passed her lips. Even though the heavy steel muffled the tone of voice, she knew immediately who it was; Beast Boy had come out of concern. Perhaps it had taken him longer than he initially planned but, he had a hard time of figuring out how you console someone as complicated as her. At first she hesitated, waiting for that flush of pink upon her cheeks, but something strange happened. This time, she felt no such feelings overtake her, nor the blush upon her face; instead, she felt a strange swell of comfort all over her body. She might have preferred the old mind shaking emotions; at least she was used to them, what she knew now as completely new to her and scared her slightly, but not enough to acknowledge his call.
"I'm fine."
"You sure?" Raven had to search herself for a moment, his concern was sincere. She felt cared for, like a family. But still, she wasn't about to drag him into her own problems.
"Yeah." Her voice trembled a bit, but it managed its way out. And Raven was once again left with her thoughts to her own. She listened carefully as BB soft footsteps made their way passed her door and slowly started to fade away. These soft patters echoed in her mind, each one sinking her deeper into a cold feeling of regret and sorrow. The cold engulfed her, forcing her to wrap her arms around her chest, hanging her head low, her powerful mind trying to force back the bitter regret that hung in her heart. She felt the room grow around her, making her feel even more insignificant in an already large universe. She was truly alone now, she knew that, she knew that she didn't have to be, and yet she let it go. No, she was not going to let this pass alone, she did not know how to fight it alone, or even if she could.
"Beast Boy wait!"
"So, what's going on?" The two had sat themselves down on the floor leaning against the edge of Ravens bed, the only light being that of a single candle in the corner, a symbol of her last hope for sanity. Raven curled herself up, holding her knees tight and resting under her chin, barely making eye contact with the first person she had invited into her room, a boy for that matter.
"I don't know; I just.I never had lost control like this before."
"What do you mean?" Beast Boy was confused, but still he did not show it, the only thing he wished to reveal was his concern. For a moment Raven did not answer, feeling her eyes getting moist at the thought of it, but her words that she soon spoke gave her a chance to fight them back.
"Today."
"Yeah?"
"Today I saw Robin and Starfire kissing." The words had left her lips for several long moments now, but its meaning had left the listener in shock. A strong numbness waved across Beast Boys body as his mind put together all the clues and tender moments the two shared that eventually came to the conclusion that led to a kiss. Robin and Starfire, he should have figured it out earlier, but he didn't, no one had until this point.
"Wow, I feel slow." Raven fought back a smile, one of the very few times she found Beast Boys joke funny. He turned to her, still confused, for his face showed it. "But why should that bother you so much?"
"That's the problem, I don't know. I've always been in somewhat control of my feelings, normally that wouldn't bother me but lately it's been weird. It's like I have no say in what they do anymore, like my emotions can do whatever they want whenever they want despite my objections." She could feel the room grow tense as silence fell upon them again. At this point Beast Boy was just as confused as she was, he didn't have any answers for her, but simply being there was enough for her.
"Well, like what kind of emotions do you feel are going out of control, I mean like, what other situations have you 'lost control?'" Ravens cheeks flushed a hot pink and her head shot up from behind her knees, her eyes darted back and forth, her mind desperately searching for something to redirect the conversation. She knew very well which situations made her loose control, but she couldn't very well tell him such things. It wasn't just out of courtesy, but it was also out of fear, fear for what those emotions might mean.
"I just.I just wish things were back to normal, when I couldn't feel these things. They only make things worse." Raven set her head back into place, her eyes returning to their spot on the floor.
"Well, maybe it's better to have them. I mean, it's not good to fell nothing at all."
"I had emotions before, but I not these kinds. Not the ones that hurt more than they were supposed to."
"I hate to sound like some cheap 'after-school special', but everyone has those feelings at some point, It's a part of life. The trick is to deal with them the best way you know."
"But I don't KNOW how to deal with them, I've never had them before; I don't even know what they mean. Why would something that has nothing to do with me cause me so much pain?"
"I don't mean at all to sound like I understand how you're feeling, but maybe you acted like that because you never experienced the affection they are." Beast Boy quickly flushed his own shade of red, comprehending the words he just spoke, and who he said them to. Next to him he could see that Ravens eyes had opened slightly wider as she pondered the situation, his words sinking in and her eyes feeling drenched but not yet tearing.
She didn't want to believe it was the truth; she refused to even acknowledge the suggestion. Yet deep down, she knew that all she stubbornness would not be able to hide that which she knew to be true. Jealousy and affection were the two emotions she had never come across in her life. Now she realized that she still hadn't felt affection, but she coveted it so. The warm feeling in her heart from the love of another, she would never know, or so she thought. She was convinced that she would forever be a slave to these shackling emotions and that she would not be free to live like she wanted. Her heart soon ached once again, her hear hurt as the tears forced their way through her mental block. Her head sank lower behind her knees and she wept, not caring anymore who saw her do so.
Then she felt a slight pressure on her right hand as it was pulled from its place on her knees, and grasped gently. Raven looked up to see her hand held tenderly by Beast Boys, his eyes filled with comfort as he looked at her.
"W-What are you doing?"
"Just go with it." Then before she knew it, they were both leaning in, their eyes becoming more and more shallow on the way. With his left hand holding hers, his right moved up to her cheek, easing her in. Neither of them felt nervous, or had the time to blush. The feeling they were getting was unlike anything else in the world. Most people would say that time stops, but to them, it seemed to fly by, it was only them that became sluggish. It was like a drug, it was like their bodies had switched into a pre-set program for kissing, that all they had to do was sit back and enjoy the ecstasy of it all. Their eyes closed now, their lips began to shape themselves to receive each other, curling upward slightly and moistening to make the experience soft and pleasant. The warmth of each others breath blew against their cheeks and only enticed the two more.
"HEY BEAST BOY, I WANT A REMATCH!!!" Suddenly, Cyborgs bellows broke the scene quickly as the open door filled itself with his looming outline. Quickly the two shot back to their original positions, hands placed firmly on the floor and faces painfully straight ahead of them. Now that the moment had passed, the red color returned, full force to their faces. "Hey, what are you guys doing in here?" His tone was very suspicious sounding, with a slight hint of laughter sounding at the awkward situation.
"Uh.we were just talking." Beast Boy stood up, his hand moved to the back of his head, scratching his tuffed hair as he made his pathetic attempt at covering up their actions, lucky for him when it comes to video games; Cyborg had a one track mind.
"Oh, well then I guess that means you're not willing to defend your title."
"I didn't say that!" Beast Boy raced to the door following Cyborg as he moved down the hall to the living room, firing up the Gamestation. But just before he left, he leaned in past the door frame and gave Raven a warm smile.
After his smiling face left her view, Raven sat their, going back on what had just happened, or to be more precise what almost happened. Her tears had faded halfway into their attempt, but the returned now, but they were not tears of sorrow, but rather tears of joy. For she knew now that there was at least someone who would show her affection, someone who was willing to be with her and make her feel wanted and cared for. And as the tears rolled down her cheek she smiled and let her heart rest from the pain that had plagued it most of the day. Raven lay back onto the edge of her bed, feeling the soft cushion of her cover lighting her head feeling soft against her skin, much like his hand against her cheek. She felt comfort in his touch, she felt like nothing she ever had before, she now know what Robin and Starfire were feeling at that time on the roof. She was happy, and now, she could finally rest, her mind and soul at ease.
Slowly she got up to closed the door and the darkness once again retuned to her room. In the privacy of the impervious veil, she removed her uniform, replacing it with her pajama top leaving the bottom in the drawer. Her bare legs felt a cool zing as she slipped beneath the sheets of her bed, laying on her back staring up at the ceiling, and falling asleep with the memory of the affection yet unfinished.