Author: xfool
Title: Why Me?
Disclaimer: I know it, you know it. Let's just leave it at that.
Summary: What was Mac thinking in the hallway?
Rating: PG-13 for language, etc, etc
Author Note: I honestly can say that I am not happy with the way this season is going and it is only the second episode. So in my state of, shall we say unhappiness I wrote this little thing. This is entirely in Mac's point of view…All grammatical and spelling errors are my own. Enjoy!
WHY ME?
OUTSIDE OF CLAY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
What the hell is he thinking? He can honestly just walk away again? The Navy is – WAS – his life and he is just going to throw it all away? I know he gave up everything to rescue me…and I know that what I said and did made a big impact, but…..I don't think he can just move on like that. The office has been so boring without him…when he was here all I did was think of him, and now that he isn't here all I do is think of him. I am such a mess. I have one man offering me everything I could possibly want sitting right in front of me. But is it him I want? Can I keep denying my feelings for Harm and hurt another? I know I said that we both want to be on top but I thought that Harm would at least fight me, prove to me that I was wrong. How much time did I waste on waiting for him? Too long? Not long enough? He asked me to wait, I asked him what he would give up to have me. I never heard his response to the question and I waited. I waited for him to tell me. How convenient that he only brings up the subject of "us" when it fits his needs, his timeframe. I always made the first move when it came to us. He made the first move when it came to him and Diane or Annie or Jordan or Renee….or when there is a man in his way. Chris, Mic, Dalton, Clay, hell even Coster. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of mistakes and bad choices. We need to sit and argue this out, there is no way that he and I can talk rationally now. I followed him halfway around the world dammit. I was there when he found out about his dad. I was there when Jordan was murdered. When Annie left him. When his fucking corvette was gone. But where was he when Mic left? When Dalton died? Where was he when I almost died? I prayed for him to come. But he never did until it was too late. Those missionaries were killed in front of my eyes. Where was Harm when Saddik spat in my face and told me I defied motherhood? Will Harm ever be able to do for me what Clay did? Would Harm sacrifice himself to save me? Suffer nerve damage for me? I guess not. He did get married. Ok, so it was to find me…and it was never official. But can he work as a spook after almost twenty years of a morality-driven job? Can he lie? Cheat? Steal? Answer his phone? And what about me? Where do I fit into this? We're supposed to be best friends. Butch and Sundance. Lone Ranger and Tonto…. My clock is ticking but there is no one to keep the time. The baby deal. This year. God, I need a fucking drink. I need to feel the vodka burn as it goes down my throat. I need to stop feeling, stop caring. He has all of me and he doesn't even know it. I want him to leave but what would happen if he does? I could really use that damn drink about now. Maybe a few sleeping pills too. Anything to make the pain go away. What the hell right? He doesn't care. I don't blame him. Yes I do. Who am I kidding? He finally tried and I pushed him away. Of course he chose the worst time to try. I couldn't think about anything but making sure Clay was alive. HE ALMOST DIED FOR ME. And all Harm can do is think about himself. That makes me sick. God, these hospital corridors all look the same. The same ugly white. So sterile, unwelcoming. If I ever see these walls again I better be having a baby. Actually, Harriet better be having her baby. Why is my life like a soap opera? When did I become so naïve? I have never made a mistake like the one I made today. I handed Bud the case on a silver platter. I got my ass chewed out twice by Admiral Chegwidden and once by the father of my client who just happens to be a Rear Admiral. Just when I think that my day could not get any worse, I over hear Harm and his "wife" telling Clay about the newest asset to the CIA. Well, he is only off by two letters. Now, I wonder if I can be happy with Clay. And, strangely, I think I can. He doesn't send shivers up and down my spine, or make me weak at the knees like Harm does. But there is something else to him. Something that makes me want to know him more, to explore this new factor to our relationship. But is he ready for me and every piece of baggage that comes with me? Is Harm ready for me to sever all ties of emotional need? Am I ready to listen to myself?
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