Fraudulences Of Words
An Executive
Committee Fanfiction By enervate
A/N : Chapter re-edited on 4th of October, 2003.
Part 4 : Rain
Tokitoh leaned against the wall, running his hands through the carpeted walls of the suite. Slowly he slumped down, down onto his feet, and he sat there, on the floor, his expression solemn as he could be. His eyes trailed from the lavish decoration of the suite, from the TV set on one corner, slowly, his vision shifted, to the swirling pastel colors of the carpeted walls, to the queen-size bed, to the lightings on the ceiling, to the floors and finally to the window. It was open, anyway. The night winds blew in gently, setting the translucent curtains to wave in the air. Soft, but nonetheless ghastly shadows cast by the curtains fell upon the carpeted floors like additional patterns, blending into the whole atmosphere of the suite.
Tokitoh stared out of the window, silent. He was still thinking about the exchange between Tachibana and him during a few hours back.
And somehow,... he felt like regretting altogether, surrender to this game, and give himself up to Kubota. He just felt like dropping down on his knees, and beg for forgiveness...
Wait... what forgiveness? Fuck! It wasn't his fault to begin with. Blame it on Kubo-chan, who gave such sharp remarks, those words that provoked him. Blame it on Kubo-chan, the one who scorned him first. Blame it on Kubo-chan, the one who doesn't take him seriously, the one who played up his feelings! Blame it on Kubo-chan, and not him!
Undeniably it was Kubota's fault to begin with. So why must HE return to Kubota? Why?
His cerebrum screamed into the consciousness of his mind. He wasn't on the wrong side. It was all Kubota's fault. Simple and clean. Not his to begin with.
It wasn't like he never live on his own before this. Before he came to know Kubota, he was living all alone too. He survived, didn't he? He is still alive after all those times...
Only that it was much more silent then,... He was alone then,...
NO! So what if he was alone? He was alone before, so what does loneliness have to do with this situation now? He was forever alone. Only during those times with Kubota, he thought he finally found someone who could save him from that dreadful feeling of emptiness. But now, he felt like he was wrong. Altogether wrong. He found no one yet.
So solitude seems to be part of his life,... is it so? Tokitoh tightened his fists together. He sighed loudly in frustration. "Why???" Those words ricocheted, as if being a cruel reminder of his own path, his own option, his own life.
Suddenly, sounds of raindrops pelting the window panes awoke him from his own jeremiad. Tokitoh stood up, and walked towards the window. Slowly, with a heavy heart, he shut the window.
The rain was another painful reminder of another event.
Tokitoh threw his already tired body upon those welcoming linen of the bed. He snuggled against the soft pillow and tugged the comforter around him. He felt warm, so secured suddenly, by this false world...
"I'm living in a damned world. I'm living in a lie." Tokitoh whispered, biting his lips. But he knew he will have to hold on. He wanted to prove Kubota wrong. And furthermore, he was right... all from the start.
Kubota was the one who caused this whole damn fight.
* * *
It rained the other day too... and I still remembered everything clearly.
It was two days after our initial kiss that sparked everything. The sun shone brightly, but nonetheless its rays gave way to the sterling night. As both of us, Kubo-chan and I, walked hand-in-hand back from Araiso Private High, both of us worn out after a whole day of schooling, it rained. It started out as a simple drizzle. As we were very near our apartment, it doesn't matter. We ignored the small, scarce shower of rain as we turned into the junction, passed the park, and back to the familiar white building that I called 'home'.
My home. Our home. Kubo-chan and I.
Suddenly I felt a soft brush of his lips upon my neck, sending shivers down my spine. I looked up, puzzled. He smiled genuinely, bent down and planted his lips upon mine. I was shocked, after all, it was in public, and we were standing outside of the apartment... anyone could have seen us. I thought our affair was private and personal... but there we stood, in the middle of the light drizzle, kissing, surrounded by the silhouette of the setting sun.
I could feel his hands tightening around my arms as the kiss deepened, as the kiss prolonged. I remembered drowning in that overwhelming sensation. I remembered that kiss.
Because as I drown deeper,... deeper into Kubo-chan,...
... he pulled back, and left me standing there.
I don't know why. I was surprised. Realizing that I'm left there alone, standing and gaping like some utter idiot, I dashed inside to escape the rain that was growing heavier gradually. As both of us stood there, waiting for the elevator, silence ensued. Even inside the lift, we were quiet. Not a single word exchanged between us.
I was hurt, too hurt to say anything. Why suddenly,... why suddenly he turned around, leaving me there? Can't he break that kiss gently, just like he usually did,...
Something was wrong. I could sense it. I could feel it coming.
A storm was brewing. Slowly, it will arrive to the shore, sweeping everything away, leaving nothing but shattered pieces along the beach...
No... I don't want this relationship to be shattered.
When we reached home, inside the comfy and familiar white walls, somehow I felt relaxed. Maybe Kubo-chan had his reasons after all. I consoled myself with that thought. Maybe he realized that we were kissing in public, so he decided that it was inappropriate. Maybe,...
... well, whatever it is, he should tell me first... or at least don't just leave me standing there!
I could hear his shuffling in the kitchen, preparing dinner for the both of us. And I could hear the sound of the rain growing louder...
I decided to take a quick shower, after all, I was 'showered' by the rain then.
After the bath, I felt better. I came out, topless, only clothed in my boxer shorts, hands holding the towel as I wiped my damp hair dry. As I walked out to the living room, both my path and Kubo-chan's crossed. I almost bumped into him.
Our eyes met,... and his gaze adverted. Away from me. He walked to the dining room steadily, holding that pot of what I presumed as dinner,... without much as a single word to me.
I was more than hurt. I was torn apart.
Still wiping my hair dry, I walked towards him. I slung my towel around my neck, and slowly I put my arms around him from his back. I buried my face into his back. I just don't understand why he was so silent. Even the usual Kubo-chan that I knew will at least smile or ...
... or do something typical of Kubo-chan. But not that false silence.
"Kubo-chan,... did I do anything wrong?" I remembered myself asking him softly. I don't know why I asked him that stupid question. I knew perfectly I did not do anything wrong. I did nothing, in fact! What the hell that made me ask such a question, that I do not know. It was as though I must admit to some offence that I did not commit, just for the sake of getting his damned attention. For getting back the Kubo-chan I knew, the one whom I loved so much.
What the fuck.
He did not respond. He stood there, silent, non-moving,... my arms still embracing him tightly. I could not read his expression, as I was hugging him from the back... but I was so certain that his face portrayed nothingness...
"Kubo-chan,..."
Silence. I almost screamed.
Suddenly he turned around, and embraced me tightly. I was surprised. Astonished to the bottom of everything. This was one respond that I did not expect from him.
I could feel the warmth of his body, pressed against my naked skin, our skin divided by nothing but the mere clothing that he wore. I could feel his lips brushing lightly on my earlobe, my neck, my shoulder...
"Forget about it. Let's eat dinner."
With those words, he released his embrace, and pulled the chair out. He sat down.
I was more than confused, but if he planned to dismiss those feelings...
... well, I guess I will have to play along.
I shrugged as I pulled out my chair and settled for dinner.
Dinner tasted strange,... although it was the same old thing Kubo-chan cooked for the both of us since time immemorial... or since we stayed together. Maybe the silence between us made it more and more unbearable...
I felt sorry for myself, and sorry for him.
Maybe things are awkward between us. After all, it had only been two days since our little love confession that changed our status from 'Friends' to 'Lovers'.
Yeah,... I felt strange when I remembered that he was supposed to be my 'boyfriend'...
So,... is our relationship killing the both of us, silently? Why? Even before, when we were close friends, Kubo-chan is indeed silent, but we do speak like normal humans. We converse. Silence was a matter of seconds,... and now it prolonged to minutes... and even hours.
For the next few hours of the night, we spent it together... in silence. There, he sat, his nose buried behind some boring novel...
.. and I sat there, doing nothing, like some utter fool. So, bored to death, I switched the PS2 on, and unleashed the fury within my raging heart upon the game. As the background music of Dead Or Alive 2 : Hardcore started rolling out from the speakers, I turned around, peeking if Kubo-chan noticed anything.
He made no response. Fine.
Quite angry, I snatched the remote control from the coffee table, and blasted the volume to maximum. I could even barely hear myself think as I slammed my anger into the game. I defeated almost every opponent the CPU's AI could offer, all out of the sheer rage that dominated my heart.
Kubo-chan... why?
* * *
But during the next day,... he was the perfectly normal Makoto Kubota that I knew so well...
So,... why? What is he trying to do? Play up my feelings?
I felt so pathetic, so worn out... so tired...
My heart ached,... so much,.... but he never knew...
... and the day continued like usual... a typical day in my life as part of the EC...
... and as his lover.
* * *
The sunlight streamed from the windows, waking Tokitoh up. "Fuck...." Tokitoh cursed first-thing in the morning, and rubbed his eyes. "God damn it. Morning already? I did not realize anything..."
He spent one whole night lamenting on the events of the past. He slowly dragged himself to his feet, and prepared himself for the day.
So it has been one day in total, that he 'ran away' from Kubota. Today will be the 2nd day.
* * *
Tokitoh grudgingly settled his very high hotel bills when he checked out. Despite so, he was very thankful. He wanted very much to escape from the prying eyes of Tachibana and Matsumoto. He met them when he came down for breakfast.
"Good morning, Tokitoh." Tachibana greeted him as both he and Matsumoto waited by the elevator, both [again] dressed in a 'couple' outfit; Tachibana in hard-collared cream-colored shirt and khaki trousers, Matsumoto in that identical shirt with a black pants to match. Tokitoh groaned inwardly when he saw them. Just what he DON'T need the most,...
"'Morning." Tokitoh responded monotonously, trying to hint Tachibana that he wasn't interested in any form of conversation, be it polite or whatsoever. Matsumoto said nothing, but kept sending poisonous glares at Tokitoh's direction. Tokitoh ignored that fact. Somehow, he felt like laughing. He just couldn't believe that the almighty Matsumoto Kaichou was,... or to be exact, is Tachibana's uke... Tokitoh smothered his grin. He was too used to seeing Matsumoto bossing them around in the seitokai [student council],... so it was pretty amusing to find someone else bossing him around [namely Tachibana] outside of school compounds.
After breakfast [Tokitoh avoided those twosome the whole time], Tokitoh decided to check out because he could not stand Tachibana and Matsumoto's lovey-dovey act anymore. And he don't approve the hotel rates anyway...
So, now, Tokitoh stumbled upon his feet, and walked on the five-foot way of the busy Tokyo metropolis, trying to find his own pace in this hectic world.
* * *
Tokitoh spent his whole morning loitering in shopping complexes, checking out new PS2 games, as well as whatever that pleases him the most. He cashed several hundred yen on the arcade, mostly on the DDR machine, as well as several rounds on a King Of Fighters machine, just for the sheer heck of wasting his money. Then he walked out, aimless. So, not knowing what to do, he wandered inside a CD store.
He flipped through the neatly arranged stack of CDs, mindlessly looking at the covers. His mind sidetracked, thinking about his own fate, when suddenly the radio caught his attention.
The CD store was airing the broadcast of a local radio station through its sound system. As the previous song ended, the deejay took over. He was reading song requests, when suddenly a certain song request almost made Tokitoh jumped out of his skin.
"As for the next song, it is dedicated by someone with the nickname 'Kubo-chan' to 'Tokitoh', with the message 'I know you'll return.'. Well, minna-san, it seems like this Kubo-chan is persistent to get back her boyfriend or something!" The deejay chuckled as he spun the next song.
Tokitoh's mouth was hanging wide open, his eyes equally wide,... astonished.
"Did I hear wrong?" he whispered to himself. Somehow, that broadcast just now sounded so weird,... by coincidence? Or are there any other Kubo-chan in Japan? Another Tokitoh?
Tokitoh didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. He wanted to laugh at the deejay's comment. Persistent to get her boyfriend back... as if my Kubo-chan is dead persistent... and the reference of 'her boyfriend'...
... well, in my case, it should be 'his "girlfriend" or his "lover"...' ... tsk,... I never knew why did I consent to take the uke label... tsk.
... but somehow,... that 'Kubo-chan's message is bugging me... 'I know you'll return'... some kind of a threat? Or...
... is it really my Kubo-chan?
Tokitoh did not realize that he was staring into blank space for quite some time as he entertained his own thoughts. A clearly puzzled and worried salesgirl waved her hands in front of Tokitoh. "Urm, sir? May I help you?"
"Huh? Oh,... sorry." Tokitoh blushed as he realized that he let his own delusions take him far far away again. He looked up, trying to catch the last refrains of the song that the 'Kubo-chan' dedicate to the 'Tokitoh'. But the song had just ended.
Damn it... if it was truly Kubo-chan,... I want to know what song did he ask the deejay to play...
"Excuse me." Tokitoh said as he approached the previous salesgirl. She looked at him inquiringly.
"What song did the radio station play just now?" Tokitoh asked. The salesgirl shook her head. "I'm sorry, sir. I wasn't paying much attention, so I do not know."
"Oh,.. it is okay." Tokitoh answered, his heart dropping. Curses upon his luck.
He left the CD store abruptly, biting his lips in frustration.
* * *
Tokitoh almost forgot about the existence of his cellular phone when suddenly it beeped. The screen lit in clear liquidized blue. "New Message Received."
"What the hell." Tokitoh cursed as he sat down on a bench and accessed the Messages menu. It was from Katsuragi, a simple indication that it was none other than EC business.
"2 U EC ppl. Anyone celebrating New Year? Happy New Year in advance. Don't forget ur duties. Love, Katsuragi. =)"
Tokitoh groaned. Not again. Another reminder of Christmas, as well as another reminder on the end of the holidays.
Well, who cares? He still have several days to go... which means he will truly face the climax of his problems soon,... but not now.
His fingers expertly delivered a reply SMS to Katsuragi.
"Katsuragi-san, don't remind me of the duties... urgh. Happy New Year 2 U 2." Satisfied by his simple message, Tokitoh clicked on Sent and slid his cellular phone into his pocket. The message was simple,... yes, simple enough to make everyone think that he is still alive,... and to delay the news of his separation from Kubota.
Well, unless Matsumoto and Tachibana went around informing them about that.
Tokitoh sat there, looking at passer-bys and the scenery around him. The shops were all decked in red and green,... all into the festive spirits. No wonder the hotels were all full, all unavailable. Everyone was so engaged in their own agendas. Their own world. Everyone had someone.
Everyone won't be alone for Christmas night.
Tokitoh did not really care about Christmas, for he wasn't a Christian anyway. He didn't celebrate Christmas. He is not any religious person anyway...
He didn't bother about that. Even the previous year he spent his Christmas night fighting with Kubota over the PS, switching from game to game. As usual, he lost most of their rounds, but he truly enjoyed himself.
But what that truly bothered him was the New Year.
Last year, the whole EC held a countdown party in the EC room. There was only five of them, excluding Katsuragi who just came in that year, as well as Fujiwara who was not appointed part of EC yet. They had a wild time drinking and hanging out there, just friends, all happy and enthusiastic of the year to come. Tokitoh remembered that they stayed up late just to countdown, but as the clock strike 3, 2, 1 to January the 1st, many had dozed off over exhaustion. Tokitoh himself was drowsy from those cans of sake, but in his subconscious mind he remembered something vaguely.
He thought Kubota kissed him gently, and then fell down beside him, sleeping.
Tokitoh was too tired to wake up and analyze the whole situation...
... and he did regret it.
Tokitoh stood up from his seat, and stretched his hands. "I'll better find some vacant rooms in any hotel... or I'll be doomed to stay in a suite again. I'll be broke by the end of three days if this continues."
Tokitoh exited the sliding doors of the shopping complex, bringing a heavy heart along with him.
* * *
It drizzled when Tokitoh walked out of the shopping center. "What the fuck!" Tokitoh cursed as he ran to a sheltered sidewalk, his hands on his head. The walkways were filled with people, all from after work. Tokitoh sighed as he blended into that sea of humans, making his way through the human traffic. As he walked, he saw many many faces, all unfamiliar, all unknown. Somehow he found a hidden sense of security behind his anonymity here. It was like a facade, a shield that hid him from the deadly daggers of the horrible Truth. As far as he is concerned, one encounter with a familiar face is enough... and he wish for no more.
He preferred this silent course, as much as he loathed it. He felt somehow reassured when he walked his way through all these strangers.
Until,...
... until he came face to face with Kubota.
Tokitoh's blood drained from his face immediately when he saw that extremely recognizable face. That same old spectacles. That same old hairstyle. That same old Kubo-chan of his.
Tokitoh almost choked. He felt like the world stopped around him suddenly. Kubota was walking directly to where he stood.
Tokitoh felt his mouth went strangely dry. His throat felt like sandpaper. He could only stare... confused...
Don't! His brain hollered. Remember what he did to you?
But,.. but,... Kubo-chan,... I still love him... I do... His heart pleaded against his own mind. He felt like he was torn apart. His mind screamed no. His heart yelled yes.
And Kubota came closer.
Don't... Tokitoh,... remembered what he said? He was so confident that you will return. Prove it that you will never. Just prove it. Remember all the times when your affections were unreturned? Remember when he was so silent, he said nothing and ignored you? Remember all the times when you did nothing wrong, but ended up saying "Sorry" just to mend everything? Are you going to take the blame forever? Are you going to shoulder all those dreadful times? Do you want to prove him wrong... for once?
Tokitoh closed his eyes as he debated. His mind told him no...
But, Tokitoh... remember all those times in isolation? When there is no one to comfort you... when there is no one beside you... when no one was your friend... until Kubota came into your life... Remember all those times when the two of you were so close,... two hearts beating like one,... two souls united... two become one...
And remember how much you suffered before in silence, when totally no one was there?
So was his heart's reasoning.
Tokitoh shook his head slowly. No... No...
He did not know what to do. And he could feel the presence of Kubota,... closer,... closer...
... and Kubota walked pass him, his coat brushing lightly against Tokitoh's arm. Tokitoh turned, and bit his lips in astonishment. Why... why...
Kubo-chan,... you,...
Tokitoh almost break down and cry. He couldn't believe it. Kubota acted like he don't even recognized him! What the hell! Tokitoh felt like running after Kubota and give him a tight slap.
Kubo-chan,... how could you break my heart,... again and again?????
Tokitoh screamed in the columns of his now void mind. He could not stand it anymore.
He stood there, biting his lips, clenching his fists, watching Kubota walk away, further and further. Suddenly, he was astonished.
Kubota stopped in his tracks, and turned around. Slowly, he walked back.
Tokitoh's heart skipped a beat. "Kubo-chan..." he whispered, and held his breath.
Tokitoh's feet moved a little, and he walked one step. And another. Then he stopped. He was bewildered. What is he supposed to say to Kubota if Kubota really return for him?
"Akira!" Tokitoh's eyes bulged as he sidestepped in time as a petite girl came running forward, and threw her arms around the supposedly Kubota. "What the ..." Tokitoh could find the words to say. He was now extremely astonished.
"You're late again, Rei." The guy, Akira said as he bent forward and gave her a kiss. Tokitoh couldn't believe his ears and his eyes, as well as his other senses either.
This is god-damned crazy.... this is god-damned fucking crazy...
He did not know whether to be relieved or to be disappointed. Somehow,... knowing that it wasn't Kubota, he felt relieved at the fact that Kubota did not ignore him.
But he was disappointed. He wished that it was indeed Kubota... somehow... for some reason he did not know why.
Emotions mixed up like an infusion of colors on a palette, Tokitoh made his way into the bustling streets of Tokyo as night falls.
End of Part 4 : Rain