Fraudulences Of Words
An Executive
Committee Fanfiction By enervate
A/N : Reposted on 4th of October, 2003.
Dedicated To: lituska_silvermoon, for the advice and for being there.
Part 5 : Enervate
Tokitoh passed by more and more rows of shops as he entered the heart of Tokyo. As usual, the night is still young, and many people were spending the available hours to get those last-minute preparations done. Mostly were shopping for gifts. New Year gifts. Salesgirls with Santa hats were standing by the shop entrance, calling out for customers as well as attracting the bustling crowd. Needless to say, it was a busy night.
Tokitoh couldn't bear the crowded walkways, so he escaped into a shop which was not that packed. Better hang out here for a while,... do some lazy browsing while waiting for the crowd to subside...
Tokitoh looked around. He was in a sports equipment shop. Okay. He might as well as entertain himself here, far from the sardine-like condition of the streets. Tokitoh walked across the aisle, taking an occasional glance at the equipments on sale. Several customers were there, choosing their items of purchase. Suddenly, a familiar voice called out for him.
"Tokitoh!"
"Hmm??" Tokitoh spun around, and spotted one of his EC members, Matsubara, at the next aisle. He walked there. "Oh, hi. What are you doing here?" Tokitoh asked casually. Inside his heart, he was cursing fervently. Damn. Why am I subjected to meet almost everyone I know????? God, you're playing such a damn fucking joke on me.
"I'm here to choose a gift for my friend. But so far, I'm stuck... I don't know what he wants!" Matsubara exclaimed, exasperated. Tokitoh gave a knowing nod. He hated to choose gift for someone too. Sometimes it is indeed hard to make up your mind.
"Have you narrowed down your choices?" Tokitoh questioned as he picked up a black cap with a silver Adidas embroidery upon it, and adjusted it upon his head. He took a glance at the mirror nearby. Not bad... Tokitoh mused as he took it off and returned the cap to its original resting place.
Matsubara gave a helpless shrug. "I figured that I will get him a cap or something... hey! Since you're here, why not help me?"
"Anything." Tokitoh answered. He was not in a hurry or whatsoever, so why not help out? Furthermore, the crowd outside showed no signs that it will lessen anytime.
Both Tokitoh and Matsubara browsed through the racks that were hung with caps. Matsubara picked up a cap with a pro baseball team insignia on it. "How about this?" He tossed the cap to Tokitoh for inspection. Tokitoh flipped the cap over, the silver and gold thread glimmered in the white luminescent light. "Nice." Matsubara returned the cap to the place where he took the cap, and retrieved another, this time a black cap with the Nike logo on it. "How about this?" "Nice too." Tokitoh answered. Matsubara held his hands up in exasperation. He took another cap, this time to test Tokitoh's reaction. "What about this?"
"Equally nice."
Matsubara's eyes widened. "Are you all right, Tokitoh?" "Yes, I am." Tokitoh answered, frowning. "Then, are you paying attention?" "Yes." That earned a grin from Matsubara. "Take a nice look at the cap, Tokitoh." Tokitoh's frown deepened as he took the cap from Matsubara's hand and glanced at the embroidery on it. It was a logo of one of Japan's most popular women's basketball team. No wonder Matsubara asked me to get a double take on that cap... he is shopping for his friend,... a guy, no less... figuratively he is not into women's basketball...
"Get what I mean? Tokitoh, seriously, you are some sort of distracted." Matsubara remarked lightly as he placed the caps back on the rack. Tokitoh bit his lips. Distracted? Well, admittedly he is. A little.
"Well, I am not distracted,... just a little... tired." Tokitoh denied, grinning. "Don't worry about me, Matsubara. I'll help you look for something decent, okay?" Matsubara gave him a nod. Tokitoh fished another cap from the rack. "How about this? I think this one is cool."
Matsubara took the cap and examined it. "Yeah,... this one is nice... Okay, maybe I'll get this, but meanwhile I want to browse for more. Who knows, something better will turn up." Tokitoh nodded, and went to the other rack over the other side, which was laden with caps and also hats [you know, the fisherman hat kind? The one which was in trend about a year or two back?]
Tokitoh looked outside of the shop. The crowd showed no signs of subsiding. And yet, the night is still young. Tokitoh shrugged. He might as well as entertain Matsubara here. Somehow, having a company keeps his mind from wandering off too far.
"Oh yeah, did you hear that song dedication by Kubota to you this afternoon?" Matsubara said as he walked over to Tokitoh after finish browsing the other shelf. Tokitoh almost jumped when he heard that question. "What did you say?" Tokitoh asked slowly. He thought his ears deceived him.
"Hmm, didn't you know that Kubota dedicate a song to you this afternoon? Didn't he inform you about it?" Matsubara mentioned, his face puzzled. Tokitoh was about to say "Didn't you know that we fought the other day?" when suddenly he remembered the utter truth. I did not tell anyone about this... for the exception of Tachibana who has already suspected me... so now Kubo-chan himself decided to play stupid... fine! I won't be that pathetic to complain or whatever! I'll just have to go on with his stupid game then....
"Oh,... you mean that song dedication thing... yeah,... I know..." Tokitoh answered casually as he tossed a cap to Matsubara. "That one is nice." Tokitoh pointed to the cap, trying to change the subject. Matsubara flipped the cap over. "Hmm,... maybe. I still prefer the other one." He set down the cap onto the shelf. "By the way, I just love that song that Kubota dedicate to you! Don't you think Ayumi Hamasaki is totally cool? I love that song, 'SURREAL'. By the way, why did Kubota dedicate it to you? Why that song? [1]"
Oh.... so that is it. That song... Tokitoh shrugged. "Who knows? Kubo-chan picked that song, not me. Anyway, which one? I'm not exactly a fan of Ayumi's, so I am pretty clueless here..."
"Hmm, didn't you hear the dedication?" "I did." "Then?" "I skipped the song. I managed to catch the message and all, though." Tokitoh explained. Matsubara gave him a Oh-I-See look. "Well, that song was from her 'Duty' album. Check it out if you have some time. The song is meaningful, I tell you." Matsubara closed his eyes as he hummed a few lines from that song. "Oh yeah, where were we? Okay, Tokitoh, decide on which cap. It's kind of late. I got to go soon." Matsubara remarked as he took a glance at his wristwatch.
"The black one." Tokitoh pointed. Together, both of them went to the cashier. As Matsubara paid for the cap, Tokitoh sighed in relieve when he noticed the crowd outside had already lessen. Matsubara and Tokitoh walked out. "Ah, Tokitoh, where are you going after this?"
"Hmm, walk around, I guess?" Tokitoh answered nonchalantly. Oh no... here we go again... now that I remembered I need to get myself a place for the night,...
"Okay. I'm off to home now. See you." Matsubara waved goodbye to Tokitoh. Tokitoh smiled, and returned that wave. He started walking to the other direction when suddenly Matsubara's voice rang through the noisy crowd. "Tokitoh!"
"Huh?" Tokitoh turned around, perplexed. "What?"
"What does Kubota mean by 'I know you'll return'?"
Aaarrgh! Tokitoh gritted his teeth as he ignored Matsubara and disappeared into the crowd.
How god-damn frustrating. How god-damn infuriating. And how Kubo-chan work on my nerves...
* * *
"Oh,... so that was what that happened..." Kubota's lips arched into a semi-smile as he took a sip from the cafe latte he was drinking. The cafe was quite packed, despite its location that was on the outskirts of Tokyo. At the secluded corner of the cafe sat four figures, Kubota, Matsumoto, Tachibana and now the current one to join them, Matsubara. Tachibana was seated at the edge of the sofa-like two-seater, Matsumoto's head on his shoulders. Matsumoto did nothing except intertwining his fingers in between Tachibana's slender ones.
Kubota did not want to spend his precious time with this irksome couple who is more than glad to show their intimacy in the seclusion of the public eye. But for the sake of his own game, and for the sake of Tokitoh, he guessed that this is much more tolerable than some certain aspects of the future that might happen to him. For instance, losing Tokitoh, living without Tokitoh, EC without Tokitoh, losing Tokitoh, losing Tokitoh, losing Tokitoh, losing Tokitoh and losing Tokitoh.
Did he mention that he doesn't like to lose Tokitoh? Figuratively he did.
But the game is on. He doesn't like losing. Oh no, not at all. Call him a sore loser, but he'll rather forfeit the game. Be it. Call the game off. He's not playing.
But, the game is on. And he love that game too much.
"Kubota, you're making him sad." Tachibana lightly commented as he motioned for the waiter from a distance to come and take Matsubara's orders. The one who had just arrived made his order of espresso, and then exclaimed, "Can somebody explain what's going on? For some unknown reason I am called by you people to investigate on Tokitoh, and now I'm called to be here, and I am supposed to be back by ten! I need to give my friend his present before he leaves for Aomori tonight at 11pm!"
"We're in the middle of a Student Council case, Matsubara. Call your friend and tell him that you'll send him the gift through mail. The Student Council will pay for the shipment. Satisfied?" Matsumoto snapped as he took his cup of coffee using his free hand. Tachibana suppressed a chuckle. "Matsubara, I'm sorry that we are delaying you here... but this is quite important. It involves the both of our best EC members,... and as you know, Araiso Private High is much hard to control without the complete team of EC. I hate to see things shattered when the school reopens."
"Well,... all right... but can someone explain what happened?" Matsubara said, frowning. Tachibana was about to speak up, when Kubota suddenly held up his hands and said "I'll explain this one myself."
"Well, a quarrel broke out between Tokitoh and I. Somehow, he decided to leave..." Kubota let his words trailed, and gave Matsubara a meaningful look. Matsubara nodded. "Oh... so he's not returning yet?"
"Absolutely. I want him to return, but we can't directly make him do so." Kubota explained. Matsubara frowned. "Why? Why can't we just make him come back?"
Tachibana laughed. "Well, apparently someone challenged Tokitoh to never return." Kubota smiled, and nodded. "Exactly."
Matsubara gave them a wry smile. "So, in this sense, you want Tokitoh to lose in this challenge?" "Sort-of." Kubota admitted, smiling again. "But seriously I don't want to lose him."
"And the EC will be handicapped in the absence of Tokitoh. And the Student Council will be a little bit of ... troubled." Matsumoto remarked. "Obviously you won't want to see that happen, right?" His sentence came out slightly on the verge of threat. Matsubara nodded, gulping. The seitokai kaichou [Student Council President] gave an approving nod. "So, that is why we have to get them both... back together."
Back together? In what sense? We're more than mere friends or papers that are super-glued... idiot. Kubota drained the remainders of his cup, not wanting to spend more time with the torturous Kaichou and his Fukukaichou any longer. Those two are getting more and more irritating, especially when they are together. Either way, Matsumoto, if the EC stick more than one finger in my game, you people are dead. I didn't realize that Tachibana and him decided to play in this game too. They even called Matsubara to spy on Tokitoh. How pathetic. And they're intruding into my private game... my own game of cat-and-mouse with Tokitoh.
But somehow, can I call these fickle assistants a nice leaping stone in my own game? Another pawn in my own court? Or another dangerous snake frolicking in my territory?
Deadly... but I'll continue my game... because I want Tokitoh, back... no matter what it takes.
Kubota left immediately without bidding the rest goodbye. Time to set the second bait after the 'SURREAL' thing. Somehow, this game is getting better and better...
* * *
Tokitoh walked the entire street of shops with his hands clenched, fists balled up, teeth gritted, brow frowned, face soured... somehow Matsubara's farewell words made him angry. He couldn't believe it. So what? Return? Who wants to return now? Who even cares to return? Who ... who ... who wants to return to where they belonged...
... but do they belong there anymore?
Tokitoh felt like he lost his balance, the equilibrium of the world, the equipoise of the universe. He felt his legs gave away to the heated black tar road, sinking upon the ebony floors that was worn and exhausted like him too. He could have cried. He wanted to. But no tears came out. He felt sad. Sorrow. Down. Despair.
He supported himself on his own will and all the remaining strength he forced himself to summon. His pace slackened. He wanted rest. He wanted a place to sink down and cool his own heart, to calm his own soul... to take a breath and continue living like before...
Minus Kubo-chan.
Tokitoh slowly walked to the five-foot way, and found himself passing by those brightly lit shops. Those glaring white luminescent lights looked if they were mocking him. Tokitoh frowned, his eyes squinting, trying to sift the glare. He walked on, and on, and on, as far as his legs will and willing to carry him.
Suddenly, a gentle gust of artificial wind greeted him as a lady exited a shop in front of him, the glass door opened. Tokitoh entered the shop, ignorant of whatever it sold, but he was there all for the air conditioner, at least, something to chill him a little. He knew that it was previously snowing outside, admittedly it is still snowing lightly, but his heart was burning with a fire of rage that is impossible to be put out.
His face was drenched by pearls of crystalline water. Perspiration. Or maybe even his tears in vain. He didn't know. He doesn't even want to know. Tokitoh wiped them off, and looked up.
Figures... another CD shop? I've had enough of this today! Tokitoh moaned as he felt like leaving there immediately. But before he did so, he want to clarify something...
"Excuse me, miss. Can you find me the album of Ayumi Hamasaki with the 'SURREAL' song in it?" Tokitoh asked the salesgirl.
He wanted to know, why, and why, ... that song was chosen by Kubota. I am sure he is trying to say something there...
* * *
SURREAL by Ayumi Hamasaki
Choosing only the things
you like
isn't irresponsible.
If you can't find anything you like
then why accept the responsibility?
I take only the possibilities that I'm ready to accept.
If it's something you don't need then
compassion is of no use at all.
If it's something important then
pain will probably accompany it.
Loneliness that you feel together is worse
than a loneliness that you feel
by yourself.
No matter what loneliness comes,
no matter what pain you feel,
you mustn't close your eyes to it.
Because even if you lose all your
words, even if you say it doesn't matter,
if you stumble
it will be there to help you up.
That's what kind of thing it is.
Ah, that promise we made that day.
I don't want to keep it by myself.
Ah, that far-off dream we talked of throughout the night.
I don't want to make it come true by myself.
I can't tell anyone. I want to tell someone, that
the person is more important to me than anyone else.
la la la-
In a nonexistent place
I stand as I am.
Please be yourself.
That's how I want you to be.
la la la-
In a nonexistent place
I stand as I am.
Please be yourself.
I want you to be that way forever.
That song filled the small room that Tokitoh occupied in the two-star hotel [or namely, inn] that was situated at the edges of Tokyo. The rate there was reasonable, and the place had a homely feeling about it. Not much people checked in that night, maybe because everyone was so concentrated on spending the night in posh suites with gold handles for doors. Tokitoh didn't even care. Gold handles or not, he need a place to sleep, not a place to feel luxury in.
Tokitoh closed his eyes as his ears caught the last refrains of the song before it faded into the next track on that CD. He almost cried. But he knew he was much too devastated to even do so.
He had to admit, that song made sense. If Kubota truly meant what those lyrics said, then everything might have been a total misconception. A total screwed-up case. Then, why is Tokitoh wasting his time here?
But what if Kubota is merely teasing Tokitoh? What if he is merely tearing up his heart? What if he never mean what he said?
"Loneliness that you feel together is worse than a loneliness that you feel by yourself." Tokitoh repeated one of the lines from the song. Am I ever lonely when I'm with him? Is it much more worse than my loneliness now, comforted by none other than the solitude of the whole damn place? Honestly I ... I felt so shattered inside... I just don't understand at all! Why must he treat me so? Why? Doesn't he love me, even as a friend or whatever? If he appreciates our friendship, he will say sorry and he won't play those fucking games with me. If he appreciates everything... why must he treat me so? Doesn't he realize the complications of this stupid game?
He never knew... why. Just a simple word. Why.
Tokitoh did not know what to do. He sighed loudly, his release of tension only echoed within the confined walls, a mere mockery. A mere reflection, a mere taunt. Tokitoh, out of frustration, unplugged the radio, and soon the room plunged into silence. Eerie silence. A silence so strange and yet so familiar to him.
He turned around, and switched the lights off. And the already silent room now plunged deeper into the heart of darkness. As he laid there on his bed, he couldn't help but to think of something that also happened in inky blackness...
Their initial kiss.
* * *
He still kept that painful reminder in the closet of his mind. Fragile as it seems, that delicate glass piece of a dark moment in midsummer. Tokitoh remembered everything vividly, as if it was yesterday. As if it had just happened right here, as if he was a witness and the one who is feeling it altogether. As if it was a movie played on the VCR in the EC's room in Araiso Private High. As if, that is.
He remembered the darkened room, the sudden blackout. Cursing loudly as he had just finished beating Tengu, the boss monster of Dead Or Alive 2 : Hardcore, and did not manage to save it, Tokitoh put down his controller in frustration. "Fuck it. I swore that the gods are very nasty today. How in Hell could they just let a blackout occur?" complained Tokitoh as he looked around wildly. The room was dark and silent for the exception of his voice and the constant ticking of the clock. Silence,... now, where is the other person who is supposed to be in the room?
"Kubo-chan? Kubo-chan, you there?" Tokitoh called out, looking around. His efforts were much in vain, for the night has already fallen, and darkness consumed every corner of the slumbering Japan. Tokitoh moved his hands around as a guide. There. He could touch something familiar. The sofa. He inched closer. No one. So Kubota had left the sofa quite a time, but Tokitoh did not realize it. "Now, where the fuck is he?" Tokitoh muttered, still feeling his way about. He touched something hard. Ah, Kubota's book. Another thing. A cushion, probably. Tokitoh picked it up, and hugged it. Affirmative. A cushion indeed. Satisfied, Tokitoh set it back to it's own place. He made a quick calculation in his mind. "If the sofa is here, then the stools will be about there,... and the kitchen about ten steps,... and..." Tokitoh muttered, making a wild sketch in his mind. Grinning, and amused by his own memory of things, he felt his way about, when suddenly his fingers ran into something fabricated. Something soft that is much an obstacle to his movement.
"What the hell is this?" Tokitoh pondered, and ran his fingers smoothly on it. Suddenly, with a flicker of light from a just-lit candle and a glimmer of those familiar eyes, Tokitoh jumped in surprise. "Wh-what??" He managed to say, as Kubota raised his eyebrow quizzically. "Why? Sexual harassment? I could sue you, you know?"
Tokitoh frowned. "But... it was pitch black here. I can't make my way about, so I have to feel my way through. And how do I know that I'm running into you!" exclaimed Tokitoh, quite annoyed. Kubota gave him a wry smile. "It is all right. But I guess that with this candle about, you don't have to 'feel' your way through this house now."
"Hmmph." Tokitoh answered, folding his arms. "This day couldn't have got worse, Kubo-chan. Firstly, I've defeated Tengu at last, after endless tries using Kasumi. And the hell, a blackout occurred when I am about to save my game. Secondly, I swore that I didn't want to run myself into you just now..." Tokitoh's voice trailed when Kubota set down the candle on the coffee table, and placed his arms around him. "I know it was an accident, all right. Chill about it. I'm not mad or anything." Kubota said, chuckling. Tokitoh sighed in relieve. "Well, I am still quite unhappy. I was planning to play DOA2 throughout the night..."
"Don't be unhappy, ne, 'beauty' Tokitoh? You can still play tomorrow. Well, I guess I won't try to hog the PS2 then." Kubota teased lightly. Tokitoh frowned. "Yeah, right. You will ended up playing 2P with me, and make me lose continuously when you use Helena. I hate it when you do that." Tokitoh pouted. Kubota smiled. "Don't be mad."
"I'm not..." Tokitoh answered, quite aware that Kubota was literally hugging him by the neck. He watched the candle flickered before them. The world was silent, with nothing in between. He could hear the distant calling of the clock, as well as Kubota's heartbeat. And he could feel his own heartbeat accelerating, pounding loudly in his ears.
"Tokitoh..." Came that soulful, deep sigh. Came that alluring voice, calling his name so differently. Tokitoh almost laughed. It was more than once, Kubota did this. Yes, call out his name in such a husky voice, as though as they contain more than one intention. As though as they contain cruel intentions. But as always, it ended up as a joke, something they pulled off as a mere teaser to their friends, of something to keep them guessing.
And every time, when the play repeated itself, Tokitoh found himself more and more intoxicated by it. But if Kubota insists that it was only a joke,...
He'll have no choice but to play along.
"Hmm?" Tokitoh answered, still watching the orange flame danced slowly on the candle, leaping to the rhythm of the wind. Kubota shifted his position into a much favorable one, but suddenly he slipped away. Tokitoh looked up in surprise. Another game. It is always like that. Tokitoh bit his lower lip, pouting. He could hear Kubota slumped into the sofa, the leather coverings groaned under his weight as he slipped into his usual pose. Suddenly Tokitoh could feel Kubota nudged him with his hand.
"What is it, Kubo-chan?" Tokitoh turned around. Kubota only motioned him to get closer. Curious, Tokitoh got up, and looked down at Kubota. "What is it?"
Before he knew anything, before he could decipher anything in his brain, Tokitoh was pulled down into that sofa, and onto Kubota. Surprised, he stared at Kubota. "What is it, Kubota? You're scaring me. What happened?" Kubota did not answer, but only stare deeply into Tokitoh's eyes. His lips broke into a smile. "This is for real, Tokitoh."
"What is for real?" Tokitoh questioned, confused with everything. Kubota pulled him down closer, and hugged Tokitoh's head to his chest. Lovingly he ran his fingers through Tokitoh's hair, smiling as he did so. Tokitoh was even more confused. But deep in his heart, another emotion began to stir as it was awakened. Tokitoh could only bit his lips as he realized what it might turn him into.
"Tokitoh,..." Kubota whispered his name again. Tokitoh closed his eyes. Oh no, please don't,... Kubo-chan. Don't tease me with that delusional sensation again. I've been upset more than once,... knowing it was another game. Suddenly he could feel Kubota tilting his chin, forcing his face to confront Kubota's. Tokitoh opened his eyes, daring himself to peek. Kubota was smiling, and gazing at him. His eyes reflected a hidden longing, something deep and dark within. Tokitoh was surprised for a moment. He thought that he was daydreaming. No. Does his eyes say the truth? Or was it just another mirage projected by those glasses? Tokitoh gently took out his free hand, and took off Kubota's glasses. He set it aside on the table. But Kubota's gaze never adverted.
It was still the same look, the same haunting gaze, the enticing stare. Kubota softly placed his hands around Tokitoh's face, and brought his close to him. Tokitoh could not resist the magnetic pull. And as he felt Kubota's soft lips grazed upon his, all he could do was to kiss those invigorating lips in return. It was ever what he wanted sometimes, to just grabbed his Kubo-chan and placed his lips firmly upon the other's. Tokitoh could feel Kubota kissing him softly, taking his time not because he want to, but because of something deep, dark, and hidden. It was as though as he was carrying something painful deep inside. Tokitoh could feel that passionate moment tainted with anger, with sorrow, with pain. And with fear.
He tried dismissing all those dark feelings, but they were present. Not wanting to think more of it, Tokitoh pulled Kubota closer, kissing him even more passionately. He could feel Kubota's fingers clutching tightly at his hair, tugging those strands gently and yet firmly. Tokitoh slowly savored the kiss, knowing that this might come once only. Somehow,... behind the amorous moment that overpowered everything, Tokitoh had a feeling that it was ephemeral.
He knew that it won't last.
Kubota licked his lower lip, and tenderly bit into it. An unintentional rosary of sighs escaped Tokitoh's lips as he felt the pressure upon that kiss escalating. He could feel the blood rushing upon his face as Kubota covered his lips fully, and slowly forced his entry into Tokitoh's mouth. Slowly he let his tongue spar with Tokitoh's. Tokitoh could protest nothing at all when Kubota laid there, pinning him down to the velvety sofa, his body pressed against Tokitoh's. Ravenously he ravished hungrily upon Tokitoh's lips, leaving him with no mercy. Kiss after kiss, passionate exchanges of oxygen between them,...
Tokitoh was left into nothing but confusion. Why did Kubota suddenly do such things to him? Why not the other day, or the day before, or the day previously,... but why now? Why after so long, why making it so painful, why all the damn fucking wait? Why, why and why? Tokitoh's mind turned into static mode as Kubota assaulted him further, burying his mouth into kisses that were so long, so deep, and Tokitoh swore that he could have died from the lack of oxygen. But he knew he wanted it too. He wanted Kubota just as madly, just as much. He wanted Kubota more than anything else, now that Kubota himself broke their chain of friendship.
Tokitoh wanted to be more than just a friend. He wanted to be someone Kubota could fully trust, someone whom he could believe in, someone to call his lover.
He wanted to be someone special. Someone special to someone...
Tokitoh's mouth was suddenly void, when Kubota withdrew from their passionate kiss all of a sudden. Tokitoh only gasped, and stared blankly at Kubota. Now what??? He opted to strangle Kubota in normal circumstances, but in this condition, he did not know how to react. So he just stared stupidly at Kubota.
Kubota gave him a smile, and nudged him gently on the nose. "No comments?" Tokitoh frowned. "Just,... confused." Tokitoh admitted finally, his lips curving upwards into a sheepish grin. Kubota nodded knowingly. "Tokitoh,..."
"Kubo-chan, why... why did you kiss me just now?" Tokitoh's voice quivered when he blurted the question out. Kubota raised his eyebrow, and laughed. Tokitoh felt a little creepy when he heard Kubota laugh. It was a really rare chance to watch him laugh. His laughter was somehow rich, with a soft and yet firm manner. Tokitoh was not amused by Kubota's answer.
"I did not kiss you, Tokitoh. You were the one who initiated that kiss." Kubota said, smiling affectionately as he ruffled Tokitoh's hair. Tokitoh could only gap at him in astonishment. "Me? I did that? What the..." Tokitoh muttered. But come to think about it... he did. He was the one who plunged his lips onto the other one first.
So, maybe it was just exactly ephemeral. Delusional. Seconds worth, but not eternal.
"I'm sorry for what I did." Somehow those words slipped from his tongue, whether he like it or not, because he felt sorry. Sorry for himself, sorry for involving Kubota into his own jeremiad, his own confusion, his own thoughts. But Kubota shook his head. "Forget about that, Tokitoh. I would have started the kiss if you didn't." Kubota embraced Tokitoh tightly as he rolled onto the sofa comfortably beside Tokitoh, his body pressed against Tokitoh's. Tokitoh could feel the heat on his face rising slowly. To have Kubota so close to him... it felt like a dream.
"Kubo-chan..." Tokitoh mumbled as he buried his face into Kubota's chest. The sensation was overwhelming. It was driving him insane. He could barely remember himself as he let himself drown into that sinful pleasures that he was declined of before. Slowly he inhaled. He just love how Kubota smelt after his bath; the scent of musk blended upon his skin, exotic enough to send shivers up to Tokitoh's spine. All these feelings, all these emotions...
They were so alien to him, so different... but he wanted them all.
"Tokitoh,... aishiteru,... [I love you] ...for real." Kubota whispered into Tokitoh's ear as Tokitoh closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of being there with someone, with someone whom he loved so much. And to hear those words... an affirmation to everything, he was much in a state of delusion. Of a dream. Of something he did not want to wake up anymore.
Tokitoh forgot about everything else when Kubota gently bit his earlobe, nibbling it softly, his breath tickling Tokitoh a little. Soon, Kubota's lips slid down to his neck, sending butterfly kisses along that burning trail. Tokitoh stifled a silent moan as Kubota bit him on the neck, gently, but firm enough to leave a mark there. Tokitoh mumbled something inaudible as he buried his face deeper into Kubota's chest and nuzzled into it. "Kubo-chan..."
Tokitoh's smaller frame fit perfectly into Kubota's arms as the both of them laid there, interlocked within an embrace. The whole place was so dark; Tokitoh could barely see anything except for themselves, for the light of the lone candle shone in their direction, casting an aura around them. Dark... so dark... Tokitoh closed his eyes and inhaled. He never knew such things before, such intimacy, such feelings... such pleasure! If he could own it forever,... to keep this within his ten fingers, he will keep it guarded with his life, forever. He would lock this up and throw the keys away, so that it will be forever with him...
... if only.
Kubota bit Tokitoh's lips gently. He noticed that Tokitoh was a little quiet. "Why, Tokitoh?"
"Will you be with me, forever?"
Kubota smiled when he heard that sentence. Somehow he sensed irony in that question. And he knew the answer. He bent a little lower, his face just a little over Tokitoh's, and his voice dropped an octave lower. "Remember all those times, when we used to say 'Friendship Forever'?"
Tokitoh nodded.
"I'll be with you, forever."
Deep in his heart, Tokitoh somehow felt that those words are, like all other words, ... fraudulent.
Forever? How long is that??? Don't promise me the sun and the moon and the stars if all you can promise is an ounce of sand. Kubo-chan,... please, don't break that promise... and keep this forever. I hope that those words are truthful and not deceitful.
Tokitoh whispered softly. "Promise?" He looked up, eyes shining with inner hope. Kubota gave him an assuring smile, and their lips met in another passionate moment, together.
"I promise."
End of Part 5 : Enervate
Reference: Lyrics of Ayumi Hamasaki's 'SURREAL' courtesy of the Divine Ayu site at