Raven: Author notes aren't really necessary, so I'll just get on with the story! ^_^, but do tell me something, is it "I announce you man and wife" or "I now pronounce you Husband and wife"?????
I now pronounce you, Husband and Wife
Chapter 3: The Wedding
"Barton you off the phone yet?" Wufei said.
"Joe says he'll be happy to be at the wedding and pose as the priest" Trowa said putting the receiver down.
"Wufei did you reserve the hall yet?" Quatre asked.
"No" Wufei replied.
"WHAT! THE WEDDING IS THIS SATURDAY, ARE YOU GONNA SNOOZE TILL THEN??!!" Quatre yelled.
"Quatre, firstly, why are you stressed? This is not your child's wedding, and this is a fake wedding, secondly, your friend Barton was chatting with that butcher person for an hour" Wufei said.
"Oh, I can't help it, I'm just excited" Quatre said scratching his blond head. Heero, who had just come out of the toilet, gave Quatre his fiercest death-glare, but Quatre showed no affect. He was just as happy as anything. Besides, Heero's death-glares were getting old fashioned.
"Quatre the hall has been reserved for the 'lovely couple' as the receptionist said" Wufei stated smirking in the direction of Heero, who had just finished barfing. Boy was he feeling evil.
"Okay," Quatre began "now I need to call up my sisters and…"
"WHAT??!!! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN CALLED THOSE ONNA'S YET, DO YOU KNOW THE WEDDING'S ON SATURDAY, ARE YOU GONNA SNOOZE TILL THEN" Wufei yelled into Quatre ears who turned red with guilt. "EXPLAIN YOUR SELF YOUNG MAN?"
"Well…I….umm" Quatre said twiddling his thumbs. The lecture continued for another 10 minutes on responsibility and not yelling at other people to get their work done without getting your work done first. Heero was still mad at Wufei and decided to get him back for his jokes. Maybe Duo would be happy for a little revenge.
*****
Duo was in his room, having horrible images of the wedding, the horrible phrase of 'what if this, what if that' comes into this, he was having a bad case what if's. In easy words, he was nervous, he was uneasy, he was uncomfortable, he was insecure, he was gonna kill the person who got him to take part in this idiotic idea. In fact, he was gonna kill the very first person who came into his room, he needed to get his stress out. Just then, innocent Heero barged into Duo's room to ask him whether he wanted to take revenge or not. He saw Duo in a corner hyper ventilating, for Duo, Heero was the last person he wanted to see,
"YOU, YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL MY MISERIES, OMAE WO KOROSU" Duo yelled at Heero who looked extremely confused.
"WHAT??!!!! Are you having your periods?" Heero said heatedly. This only added fire to the fuel, or fuel to the fire…whatever!
"KISSAAAMAAAAAA" Duo yelled as he launched himself at poor Heero. Duo punched him, pulled his hair and did everything to get his anger out. And for once, the perfect soldier was unable to get the God of Death off of him. But he wasn't gonna give up that easily, he fought back. Duo grabbed Heero by the collar and threw him on the bed. Heero hit his head on the pillow and picking up one he whacked Duo with it.
"GRRRR!! I AM GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY THAT YOU EVER DID THAT MORON" Duo growled.
"Ohhh! The girl pant is giving me a threat" Heero mocked.
"YAHHHHHHH" Duo yelled picking up the fallen pillow and jumping on to the bed and hitting Heero. Heero knocked the pillow out of his hand making Duo lose his balance and falling on top of Heero. As luck would have it, Quatre and Wufei came in to see what was causing the commotion. They stood in the doorway shocked at the scenario. Heero and Duo!!? Together??! On a BED???!!! Damn it's making me blush! (The author)
((A/N: I am evil, oh yes, if you don't get the main idea up there, I am not explaining it))
"OHMYGOSHIMSOSORRYIDIDN'TKNOW!!" Quatre said blushing and running out. Wufei just smiled evilly and said:
"Oh my, looks like some people wanted to get on with it before the wedding" He said eyeing them. Heero and Duo exchanged looks and then turned to Wufei
"JOIN THE PARTY PAL" They said grabbing Wufei and then locking the door to commence operation pay-back.
*****
Wufei came back later downstairs with colossal sized bruised and scratch marks on him, as well as messy and torn clothes, he passed Quatre who blushed furiously. Heero and Duo did a good job on torturing him. They came back downstairs with their clothes too disorganized. Poor Quatre was getting the wrong image of it all.
"So Uhh" He asked uneasily "Did you guys have fun ^_^!"
"Oh yeah" Both Heero and Duo replied. Quatre looked as if he was gonna die of embarrassment, all the blood in his body was on his face. He went on, to look in their rooms, seeing all the mess, it confirmed his fears and he fainted.
******
Later at dinner, Quatre had decided to give
Heero and Duo a talk about safe *ahem* s*x!!!!! He had completely misunderstood
the whole situation. Calling the two to his study, he began his lecture. Heero and
Duo blushed and stared gape-jawed at the blond. Finally when he finished, they
two went out completely oblivious to what just they had heard. After all this
was just Quatre, who was not to be taken seriously.
******
Quatre received the wedding dress from his sisters. He went to show it to Duo who literally felt like tearing it apart. What he saw was a lovely white gown, with frills and ribbons here and there. It was really pretty. But to put it on a boy was a shame.
"Couldn't it be black?" Duo asked in a small voice.
"Duo this is a wedding not a funeral" Trowa said.
"Well this is a funeral!" Duo protested.
"And just how is it a funeral?"
"It's my funeral as I'll die wearing that thing!!!" Duo exclaimed.
"Shut up and just wear it" Heero said sipping his coffee. He just wanted to get over this whole stuff. Especially since Quatre was taking this too seriously. Yes, Heero was disturbed by last night's lecture when he started giving a wee bit more thought to it.
"WAH!" Duo cried banging his head against the table.
*******
And the moment we've all been waiting for: SATURDAY
It was 6:00 a.m, today was the day when the fake marriage would take place. And all the residents of the mansion were snoring loudly. That was until Quatre's mobile phone's alarm rang off
"BRAAANNNNNNGGGGG" It screamed. Quatre just threw it in the bin. Realizing what he had done, he took it out, and saw that it was Saturday.
"Just Saturday, that means more sleep" Quatre said going back to bed, hugging his pillow. Seconds later he sat up,
"Something wrong, I just know it, I must be forgetting something" He realized what was missing. He went downstairs to feed the cat, the birds, and then came upstairs to sleep again.
6:45 a.m
"QUATRE, TODAY'S SATURDAY AND YOU DIDN'T WAKE US UP" Wufei yelled into the blond pilots ear.
"So what about Saturday" He mumbled from under the covers.
"The wedding" Wufei said.
"What wedding?" Quatre said. Wufei slapped his head. Grabbing Quatre's head, he banged it against the bedside table.
"OY MY GOSH, THE WEDDING" Quatre yelled. He got up and opened his closet to take out a megaphone; he then went into Duo's room and yelled
"WAKE UP TODAYS THE DAY" Duo jumped out of his bed, and held his head in his hands, he felt as if something just had clobbered him with a lead brick. Ditto with Heero.
The guest had started to pour in at 8:00 am. Duo was in the room where the bride usually is, Quatre sister's helping him set his hair, they didn't know he was a male, so they started all kinds of girl talk, we should feel sorry for Duo here.
"My you have such lovely hair Diana!" One of his sisters said. They called him Dania because Quatre had told them it was 'her' name. Duo clenched his teeth. But at least someone appreciated his hair. And besides, being surrounded by all these lovely ladies wasn't such a big deal.
"Thank you" He replied in his most sweetest female voice.
"You'll look lovely in this dress, especially since you have a perfect figure" She said. Duo just felt like dying.
"Lord please deliver my lightening" He thought.
"Well, I'm so happy for you, but here are a few tips that will help you after getting married" She said. Duo had a look of horror on his face when she said this; he had feared this would happen. It couldn't be good.
"First of all, don't worry you'll grow br**sts pretty soon before pregnancy, and be sure to have practice safe s*x" She began. Oh boy this was not good.
((A/N: I'm sorry, but I feel embarrassed just writing all this, if my mom or sister found out that I wrote this stuff, I will be banned from writing future stories, so I'm censoring))
"Lectures later sister, we need to get her all ready, the ceremony starts in an hour" Another one of Quatre's sisters said. Duo sighed in relief. He looked at himself in the mirror,
"Boy if I wasn't me, I'd go out with me" Duo thought, examining all sides.
*******
Outside, Heero wasn't feeling any better. He hated crowds, now here he was, dressed in black, in front of all these people, sweating like hell. Wufei was his best man, Quatre running here and there busy as ever. But what hurt Heero the most was that he wanted to be with Wing Zero, all alone in a non-crowd place. ^_^
The music started, the doors opened, Quatre was standing next to Duo, as someone had to accompany the bride up.
"Hey Heero, look he's flirting with your wife" Wufei mumbled to a very shaky and white Heero. Why couldn't Duo be a real girl, it would have been easier. At least he wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
*******
As Duo was coming up the aisle, he looked at Heero and he couldn't help thinking.
"He is looking pretty good in that suit" Realizing what he had just though about, he shook his head "Okay Duo Maxwell, get a grip, you are a male, a guy, you cannot think of such things, but oh man looking good, NAH don't think, don't think, don't think, what I am doing, I'm thinking about not thinking, SHUT UP" Hr told himself, he almost tripped on his dress, but Quatre caught him.
"You feel okay?" Quatre asked.
"Yeah" Duo replied. He hated when his brain's negative and positive sides fought, it made him feel dizzy.
On to the main part!!! (A/n: I don't really know what the priest usually says, so if there is a mistake somewhere, tell me)
"Do you Diana Maxwell take Heero Yuy as you lawful wedded husband?" The priest asked.
"I do" Duo said in a barely audible voice, his face all red.
"And do you Heero Yuy take Diana Maxwell as you lawful wedded wife?"
"I...Uhh...do" Heero replied nervously.
"Then by the power of … (blah blah blah blah blah)….I now announce you man and wife" he said smiling. In the background we hear Quatre sniffing, the FBI guys also wiping tears, Quatre's sister's beaming happily. The music slowly started and Heero sighed a sigh of relief, it was all over
"You may kiss the bride"
(All music goes crashing down the drain, screeches and crashes are heard)
Duo and Heero had a look of horror on their faces. Kiss?!? They didn't know you had to kiss?!? And of all the things KISS?!?!?
Duo turned towards Heero and Heero towards Duo. He had seen it in movies, the man had to remove the veil form the brides face, and then KISS her. That was when Heero usually turned that TV off. But right now you couldn't turn anything off, could you.
MENTAL COMMUNICATION: (through the use of facial expression)
Duo: Heero, if you kiss me, I'll kill you! (Frowning)
Heero: I don't wanna do it! (Getting pale)
Duo: DO SOMETHING (one eyebrow raised)
Heero: LIKE WHAT! (Both eyebrows raised)
(Both look towards Quatre)
Quatre: DO IT ALEADY, IT IS YOUR MISSION!!! (Grits his teeth)
Heero: Mission accepted (serious look)
Duo: NOOOOOO (Look of shock)
"Uhh, you may kiss the bride?" The priest repeated staring at the two.
'Here it goes' Heero said, leaning forward, Quatre had his fingers crossed and was chewing on one hand, Trowa was wide eyed, Wufei fighting back laughter, as he took out a camcorder from nowhere and recorded the scene. Heero was dizzily rocking back and forth while preparing to kiss
'I will find a way to brain wash myself after this' Duo said, as he reluctantly leant forward. 'Any minute now' he thought.
THUD! CRASH!
He opened his eyes to see Heero had fainted knocking over a vase.
"Wow! When Heero falls in love he really falls" Trowa said to which the whole hall burst out laughing. Even Duo, he had to admit, it was pretty funny.
******
After the wedding
"Gee Heero you should have seen your face" Trowa said, after all the guests had left. Quatre was bidding them goodbye, especially the FBI guys, who were sill laughing, they said that they would be sending in Heero's nationality card sometime this week, Wufei and Duo were getting along as they watched Heero fall down, in the camcorder. The priest had come to wish them well. Trowa went up to him and said thanks.
"No problem young man, it's all in a day's work" He replied.
"Uhh Joe, you can quit acting now" Trowa said sweat dropping.
"I'm not Joe" He replied. Just then the door burst open and the REAL Joe came in.
"Sorry I'm late pal" He said panting.
"Uhh, you're the real priest?" Trowa asked.
"Why yes, that blond boy told me that your priest wasn't here and so you needed me" he said, and then he left.
"Quatre! Do you realize that this is now a legal marriage" Duo said through gritted teeth.
"Yeah" Quatre said.
"Didn't you know that it was not supposed to be legal, Duo and Heero weren't really supposed to get married, they wee doing it so that Heero could stay here" Trowa said calmly.
"Yeah, but Joe wasn't here, and since Heero and Duo had s*x, I thought they were really getting married" Quatre said looking innocent.
(DUN! DUN! DUN! DUN!)
"You though we were GAY?!" Duo yelled. Trowa took Quatre aside and explained to him that day's incidents. What had REALLY happened! Quatre looked at the two sheepishly and said sorry. Heero had fainted again, Duo along with him. Wufei just stood there recording the whole scene.
*******
Raven: IEE! I can't believe I actually wrote
all that! Next chapter! WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!????