Disclaimer: Not mine, at least not until it comes out on DVD, and then I will most definitely own it.
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Last Time I Wrote:
"Who are you, Winnie?"
Winn paused, just over the threshold, as if trying to decide whether or not she'd heard the query. Then, without turning, she closed the door after her.
Jack just stared at the door for a moment, hands at his sides. On the other side of the door, Winn bent her head and whispered, "I wish I could tell you," before going to her own cabin.
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Winn spent yet another sleepless night thanks to Jack Sparrow. First there was the bloody kiss. Bloody man couldn't just leave things at "good night," had to go and kiss me again. And why didn't I do anything about it, why did I just stand there like some witless goose while he kissed me?
Because it was a very good kiss. The part of Winn that was starting to sound like Jack made itself known again.
Hush, I wasn't asking you. But Winn did have to admit that it had been a good kiss. True, she had been startled at first, when the kiss was so rough, but even that had been nice in a way. Then when the kiss had turned gentler, she had had to stop herself from leaning into the man, from responding the way her blood demanded her to.
Ridiculous. The only thing I had to refrain from doing was hitting the man again. Winn irritably got ready for bed. If she had been asked what her irritation stemmed from, she wouldn't have known if it were from being kissed or from the kiss being stopped. No, think about something else!
Lying in the dark, Winn decided that she had two options before her. As it was unlikely that she would be sleeping any time soon, she could either think about what Jack had asked her, or she could ponder how dangerously close she was to becoming infatuated with Sparrow.
The former option seemed a great deal safer than the latter did. Admitting to herself that Jack Sparrow could irritate her was one thing. She was by no means ready to admit that he did anything else to her, although the man would have to be blind not to see it. She had to make herself blind not to see it. Which was a hard thing to do since her lips still tingled from his kiss, her hands still felt the imprint of him underneath them, and her mind refused to give up the sight of his dark eyes.
"What is it that you want, Winnie? Who are you, Winnie?" The questions rang in her mind, the latest of a series of questions challenging her to find out who she really was. Lying in the dark on her bunk, Winn started questioning her beliefs about herself.
It wasn't an easy thing to do, going through and turning over all the rocks in one's soul. It took time and courage and patience. It was even hard to find a place to start. Winn glanced over when her door swung open. A small figure entered the cabin. Scooting over to make room for whichever niece it was, Winn thought, Well, that's a good place to start. I'm a loving aunt. I'm a sister. A dedicated granddaughter. I'm a sailor, and a gardener, and an artist. I'm practical, steadfast. I have a good sense of humor, except when it comes to Jack. That thought gave her pause.
Why not when it comes to Jack? What is it about him that makes me lose any sense of levity at all? Is it just because he irritates me? No, that's not truthful, and if I'm going to do this I might as well tell the truth. He doesn't irritate me – he scares me. Winn raised an arm to pull her niece closer. Swallowing and staring into the dark she realized she was still fooling herself.
No, he makes me fear myself. He makes me afraid of what I find myself capable of in his company. He scares me because he makes me want to give up long held beliefs and decisions. He makes me want things that I decided to deny myself long ago. Blast the man.
The silence of the ship was absolute. It was like a silent observer to her thoughts, a friend who was refusing to give an opinion for or against her reasoning, waiting for her to come to her own conclusions.
I guess that's the entire problem, isn't it? Me refusing to allow myself to be who I am, refusing to admit that I have wants and needs. I've ignored them for so long that I've forgotten what they are, but they haven't disappeared and now they're emerging and I can no longer identify them. What is it that I want?
Winn laid in the dark for sometime pondering that question. Her other two nieces had come in before she was ready to answer it.
I want to be me. I want to be free to do what I want. I want to be free to admit what I want. I want to cut my hair. I want to be held by someone who is not part of my family. Someone who cares for me. I . . . Winn faltered at the thought and changed what she was about to say to, I want to know more about Jack Sparrow.
Settling more comfortably under her nest of children and puppy, Winn tried to sleep. Tried to shut down her mind. It took awhile. As she was finally drifting off, Winn had one last thought. I'll ask Cat to cut my hair tomorrow.
The next morning Grace stood outside Winn's cabin. She had woken up alone in the cabin that she was supposed to be sharing with her children. If Marcus had been here she might have enjoyed such a novelty, but as it was she thought it best to rescue her sister-in-law from her offspring.
Her knock had gone unanswered though, which meant that Winn was probably still asleep. Grace hated to wake her. She could tell that Winn had not been sleeping well lately, so if she was taking this opportunity to sleep in, Grace wanted her to be able to. The thing was, there was no way that she would be able to carry all her children off in one or even two trips. By the time the children were back in their rightful beds, Winn probably would have gotten up.
Things would be simpler if Cat or Ryan were around to lend a hand, but this latest pregnancy was hitting Cat hard, and Ry was spending most of his time with his wife. She supposed she could get a deckhand or two to help her. Surveying her immediate surroundings, Grace saw Jack exit his cabin. Smiling, Grace remembered the story that Winn had told her the previous morning. The Captain would be a good person to help her.
"Captain Sparrow! May I ask your assistance?"
Jack, always willing to help out anyone who called him by his preferred title, came over. "What is it that I can help you with, Mrs. Morgan?"
"I'm afraid my daughters have relocated to my sister-in-law's bed over the course of the night. I'd like to bring them back to my cabin, but I'm afraid that making more than one trip will wake Winn up, and she hasn't been getting much sleep lately." Looking at Jack slyly, her eyes full of mischief, Grace asked, "You wouldn't happen to know why that is, would you Captain?"
Jack didn't think was possible, but he actually blushed faintly, a rosy undertone showing upon his tanned face. "No, I haven't the slightest idea."
Grace just smiled conspiratorially. "Of course, I don't know why I would have thought otherwise, Captain. Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me cart the girls back to my cabin."
The opportunity to see Winn asleep was too good to pass up. "Of course. It would be my pleasure."
Why do I think his pleasure has less to do with my children and more to do with Winn? Grace gave Jack a nod of thanks before opening the door to Winn's cabin.
Entering behind the mildly pregnant woman, Jack looked around. He had been right in his surmise that Winn's cabin would be much the same size as his. In fact it looked identical to his own if one discounted the pile of children on the bunk. Is Winn even on that thing? he wondered. It certainly didn't appear so, but upon further examination, Jack decided that the mop of dark hair at the head of the bed was Winn.
Grace lifted the light sheet that was spread over the occupants of the bunk to reveal three children, a dog, and a woman, all fast asleep. Motioning for Jack to come closer, Grace picked up Meggie and handed her to the man. "I'm going to give you Zoë too, and then take Elsa. Is that alright?"
Jack nodded. While he was somewhat apprehensive of carrying an armful of children, he took the other girl. Glancing at Winn one last time before he followed Grace out of the room, Jack thought, You'd better be worth this, luv.
The children were relocated without much fuss, although Zoë did wake up and fret for a minute or two. Excusing himself from what he was sure was about to become a full-fledged fit of tears, Jack stepped outside.
The sky was grey with unshed rain, and by the feel of the air, Jack knew it would fall before long. It would be the first rain they had seen since putting out from Port Royal. Glancing about him, deciding that this was as good a time as any to make his attempt, Jack walked back to Winn's cabin. Letting himself in silently, he examined Winn in the dull light from the porthole.
Relaxed, was the first thing he thought when he saw her. In that moment Jack saw how guarded she was, not just around him, but her family as well. Winn slept on her side, one hand pillowing a cheek, a slight smile on her face. This is too good to pass up.
Jack looked around the room and located Winn's sketchbook on the bench built into the room. Picking it up, he opened it. Turning past the page that held him looking at a sleeping Elsa in amazement, Jack started his own sketch.
This wasn't a pastime that Jack often indulged in. An ability to draw, beyond the ability to draw accurate maps, wasn't something that pirate captains often admitted to. Jack had gone years without utilizing his talent beyond drunken sketches of a very sorry Barbossa. But it was now natural to do such a thing, to speak to Winn in a manner that she would understand. Jack only wished that he knew what he was trying to say.
He sat for twenty or so minutes, drawing the sleeping woman. When he was finished, he simply laid the book on the bed, where Winn would see it as soon as she opened her eyes. He stood looking down at her for a moment, but when he started being tempted to do more than just look, he made sure to leave. He had come to the decision the night before that if anything were to happen, Winn would have to be the one to start it, no matter how badly Jack wanted to simply take her to his bed.
So for possibly the first time in his life, Jack turned his back on temptation for the good of another. It was not something he could really remember doing (after all, pirates tend to do things for the good of themselves, not the good of others), but he didn't exactly regret it. And if that was the worst thing he could say about the situation, then he really had no excuse to complain. He shut the door after him, but not as quietly as he should have.
The click of the latch catching woke Winn from her sleep. Before she even opened her eyes, she knew that someone had been in her cabin. There was a faint trace of . . . something in the air . . . a scent that soothed the normal morning crankiness that she usually portrayed. Opening her eyes, she spied the sketch, just as Jack had meant her to. Jack . . . .
Picking it up, Winn heard the door to Jack's cabin close, could hear someone moving around inside. Tilting the sketch towards the grey morning light, she blushed. It was her, asleep. A man was also in the picture, his back was to the looker, but she could tell who it was from the hair. There was only one person she knew with hair like that. Oh dear . . . .
Winn knocked on the door to her brother's cabin. The morning's grey promise of rain had panned, out. Tugging the hood of her clock closer about her face, Winn was considering knocking again when Cat came to the door, looking pale and wan. "Rough day today?"
"No more rough than any have been since we left Port Royal."
"I'm sorry. I should probably go then, and let you rest . . . ." Winn trailed off. She really wanted to get her hair cut, and Cat was the only person she trusted on the ship to come near her with a pair of scissors. But if she wasn't feeling well, then perhaps it was best to wait for a more opportune moment.
Cat read the uncertainty and indecision on her sister-in-law's face. It was rare that Winn let anyone see such qualities in herself, so Cat was understandably eager to find out what (or more likely who) was causing Winn such distress. "No, come in. A bit of company and something to do will help me feel better. If my children were here I have no doubt that I would be too occupied to feel the least bit queasy."
"If you're sure . . ."
"Of course I am. Now come in out of the rain before you catch your death of cold." Winn smiled and complied with her sister's demands. "Now, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"Umm . . . you know how I've been talking for years about cutting my hair?" Cat nodded. "Well, I've finally decided to do it, and I was wondering if you would do the honors because you're so good with hair and I'm afraid that if I ask anyone else to do it they'll make a massacre of it and . . ." Winn stopped when she saw that Cat was staring at her. "Sorry. I'll stop rambling now."
After observing Winn for several moments of silence, Cat picked up the conversation as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. "I've never quite understood why you want to cut your hair. It's so beautiful." She started prowling around Winn, looking at her from all angles as if trying to decide where to start cutting.
"I get sick of having to do things with it, that's why. It gets tangled easily, it falls out of whatever style I've got it in if it's too windy, it's always in my eyes . . . I just want to get rid of it."
Cat knew there was more to Winn's sudden decision to get rid of her hair than that, but she wasn't about to press for details. That Winn was here was enough to tell Cat that Winn wanted more than a simple haircut. "How short are talking?"
Winn thought about that for a moment. "Umm . . . chin length?" Her sister-in-law stared at her for a moment before taking hold of her chin.
Tilting Winn's head this way and that, Cat said in a distracted and thoughtful voice, "Hmm . . . chin length . . . . I think that may actually work for you. But are you absolutely sure about this? You hair is beautiful no matter what style it's in; it's so vibrantly dark and thick."
"It's coarse and confused."
"So are you at times." Letting Winn go, Cat asked, "You really want to do this?"
"Yeah, I do. I need to do this, Cat. I'm not sure why, but I do. Do you understand?"
Cat remembered a few times in her life when small decisions had meant the difference between sanity and madness. Nodding, she said, "Yeah, I understand. Now, get rid of that cloak, and strip down to your chemise – this is going to get hair all over the place and unless you want to come out as furry as your dog, I suggest you do what I say."
Winn did as she was told. As she was taking of her shirt Cat went to the door and directed one of the deckhands to fetch a large piece of canvass for her. He returned momentarily with it.
Placing the canvass on the floor, Cat turned a chair out from the table. "Have a seat and we'll get started. Just let me grab my scissors. . . ." As she was rummaging through one of her trunks, her husband came in.
"Freddy! Out of bed already! It can't be more than an hour or two before noon!" He came over and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. "What has you in here occupying my wife so industriously? And why aren't you wearing a shirt?"
Winn rolled her eyes. "Cat's going to cut my hair. I took off my shirt because she told me to, and you know that I always listen to Cat when she gets into 'captain's wife' mode, especially when she's pregnant."
"I heard that." Cat came over with a pair of scissors and several combs. Accepting a hug and a kiss from her husband, she told him, "Go have some of the men start heating up water for a bath. Winn is going to need to wash her hair after this; it will help bring out the full body of her hair." When Ry did nothing but stand there and looking lovingly down at his bride, Cat said, "Go! Let us get on about our work or we'll start talking about all the different symptoms and cravings we get during our monthlies."
Ry left.
Winn laughed at her sister. "That was creative. I must remember that little trick, even if it seems unlikely that I should ever need it."
"I think you may be closer to needing it than you think." Winn looked at Cat reproachfully, which really did no good since Cat forcefully made Winn look straight ahead. "Keep your head there. I can't do this if you're trying to watch my every move."
Deciding not to question Cat's last comment about needing to know how to drive men away, Winn remained silent for a moment. However, the need to ask the foremost question on her mind proved to be to strong.
"Cat?" asked Winn in a quiet voice, "When . . . how did you know that you loved Ryan?"
Cat had taken on an important role in Winn's life since she had come to Caribbean – that of an older sister. After Winn's grandmother had died, she had gone to Cat on the rare occasions when she needed some kind of feminine advice.
Cat knew this, and took all of Winn's questions seriously. She knew about the past of her husband, about his family, and she felt sorry for this young woman who had so nearly managed to cut herself off from her own feelings. Pondering her question now, Cat briefly wondered how much of this had to do with Jack Sparrow.
"Well, I'm not totally sure about how to answer that question. I really can't tell you when interest turned to fascination, and fascination turned into a need to be with Ry. Or when that turned into love. There are days when I wake up and love my husband, and others when I wake up and wonder when I'll actually come to love him.
"Love constantly changes its definition over the course of a person's lifetime. And it's never exactly the same for any two people. Ryan said he knew I was the woman he was going to marry the first time he saw me, but he merely caught my interest at first. Lift your chin a little." Winn was confused for a moment, but then realized that she was supposed to raise her head. Meanwhile, Cat continued, "When Bella was born, I was sure that I would never love my husband more than I did when I first saw him hold our daughter – and since then I've thought that with the birth of every one of our children. Even when we fight, there's love involved.
"If you're asking me to tell you how to be sure you're in love, or falling in love, or have found someone you might possibly come to love, I don't know what to tell you, other than when love does suddenly appear, or slowly becomes evident, you'll know. You might not know that love is what you're feeling, but you will know that all of a sudden you can't remember what life was like before you felt the way you do."
Winn sighed. She had been hoping for a straightforward answer, some kind of crystal-clear standard that she could use to measure and define what she was feeling. Apparently, things were not going to be that easy. "Why is it that the more one thinks, the more one comes to realize that nothing makes sense?"
"Because life isn't all about thinking, Winn. Life is more than defining problems and finding solutions. Sometimes it's nothing more than acting on pure instinct, reacting without analyzing. And at other times it's a combination of both. And what may have been true in the past may not be true in the situation you're currently in."
The rest of the haircut passed in silence, Winn thinking about what Cat had said, and Cat wondering if Winn had any idea of the milepost she had just passed. Her youngest sister-in-law was growing up.
They were just about done when Ry came back in. He stared at his sister. Shaking his head in bemusement he asked his wife, "Are you ready for the bathwater yet?"
"Just a moment, let Winn put on a robe or something, then yes, they can bring it in." Cat brought Winn her robe. "Here, put this on. You will appear decent as long as you are in this cabin, missy." With a significant look, she added, "However, how you decide to appear outside of it is up to you."
As three men entered with buckets of steaming water, none of them sparing Winn a glance, she replied, "At the moment I'm more concerned about how my hair appears. Where's a mirror?"
"No, You can't look at it until it's been washed. It'll look better, fuller." When Winn opened her mouth to protest, Cat said, "Trust me."
Jack had spent the better part of the afternoon in his cabin thinking. It wasn't something he did often – step back and look at what was going on in his head and his life. Pirating left plenty of opportunities for reaction, but not much time for introspection. He was used to thinking on his feet and then letting the past stay where it belonged. Behind him. But now he was facing a situation that refused to be shoved in its proper place.
Before when he had been interested in a woman, it had been a superficial, bed 'er and leave 'er affair. There was no digging into pasts, no seeking her out to trade verbal barbs – in fact most of the woman before this seemed pretty much uninterested in doing anything with their mouths. Well, except for . . . .
Why is it different with Winnie? I want to talk to the woman, for goodness sake. When was the last time he had actually wanted to converse with a woman? Never?
Deep inside though, he had the sneaking suspicion that he knew what was happening, what he was starting to feel. He had felt it once before, as a callow youth just starting his first venture aboard a pirate ship. He remembered what the captain (a decent sort for a pirate) had told him then.
"'Tis a luxury that th' sea does not afford. Th' ocean is a jealous mistress, lad, an' she always calls 'er lovers back to 'er. Th' luxury that ye would consider is not one affordable to pirates, for it brings weakness, an' a weak pirate is a dead pirate. Th' only love a pirate can afford is that which can be bought from whores, an' that of th' sea, an' that of 'is ship. Beyond that, any consideration of love must be tossed aside, for it will do naught but lead to a bad end."
And Jack had taken those words to heart. As a young man the sea and a ship was all he had needed. The sea was part of him now, the very blood in his veins nearly salt in itself. But while the sea held him, it was also a very impersonal mistress. Jack hated to admit that he had learned anything from Will and his lady, but the truth was he had seen them and wondered, actually wondered, if he was missing something in his own life.
Aye, but you're a pirate, Jack Sparrow, part of him whispered. It was the part of him that had kept him existing those years without the Pearl, the part that had cried out that dying without gaining revenge was unacceptable.
But Jack also had a sense of humor, and a sense of adventure. This was the part of him that had kept him alive during those years. The part that was optimistic, that came up with impossible plans and escapes. It was that part of him that replied, Yes, but I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Winn didn't get back to her cabin until that night. It had rained steadily all day long, the skies seemingly letting down an unending stream of water. As a favor to Grace she had spent the afternoon telling stories and trying to keep three children occupied in a small space. Now she was tired, a little sore, and a headache was starting to make its presence known behind her eyes.
Sighing, she lit the lamp hanging from the ceiling. Shedding her cloak, and making sure to hang it up to dry, Winn turned to look at herself in the mirror. Before she could fully take in her altered appearance, there was a sharp knock on her door. It flew open before she could even open her mouth to give her visitor leave to enter.
Jack, wet, rain dripping off his battered hat, came into the room and shut the door behind him. Taking off his hat and hanging it up on top of Winn's cloak as if he and it belonged there, he said, "Where have you been? I didn't know anyone could make herself so scarce on a ship of this size."
Winn was in no mood for any of Jack's nonsense at the moment. Narrowing her eyes, she asked, "Excuse me, but what are you talking about and why are you here? And don't tell me it's because you'd never survive the extra five steps to your own cabin."
Jack drew back his head as if surprised, his eyes widening in mock offense. "Of course not. That's ridiculous. I was looking for you because . . . ." Jack trailed off as he noticed Winn's hair. Or more precisely, Winn's lack of hair.
"Your hair . . . ." Winn-with-long-hair was a small woman almost overpowered by her mass of hair. Winn-with-short-hair was a surprisingly striking woman who drew a man's eyes to her.
Winn rolled her eyes and instantly regretted it as she felt a stabbing pain in her head. The headache that had been threatening had hit. Feeling the deck start to gently roll and pitch under her feet, Winn wondered if she was coming down with something, but then realized it was just the wind picking up. Leaning against the wall she closed her eyes, trying to dull the pounding in her head. "If you've come to pick a fight, Captain, I'm afraid I must decline. I've had a long day and all I want is to be left alone in the quiet."
Jack was captivated. There really wasn't any other word to describe the fact that he couldn't take his eyes off the woman in front of him. He could see the slimness of her neck when she tilted her head back like that, the duskiness of her skin inherited from her grandmother. Approaching her he said, "I can be quiet." He whispered the statement to prove his point.
Winn opened one eye and looked at him. "Are you telling me," she asked in the slow voice of one trying to understand a particularly complicated conundrum, "Are you telling me that you want to stay here?"
"Aye. If it's want ye want, Winnie." She kept looking at him, consideration in her eyes. When Jack was within reaching distance he asked, "Why did you cut your hair, Winnie?"
"Because I wanted to."
"And what is you'd be wantin' now?"
Instead of answering, Winn reached out and ran a hand down the lose collar of his shirt. She sighed as if finding herself defeated, but not particularly upset about such a fact.
Opening her mouth, Winn did what may have been the bravest thing of her life. "I want you to stay . . . for awhile . . . until you upset me." Stepping into him she whispered into his chest, "I have a headache, so don't get any ideas."
"Making excuses already, just like a woman." Jack wrapped an arm around her waist, the other coming up to rub her shoulders which were tense with fatigue and anxiety. Bending his own head to kiss her, he was foiled when Winn turned her face away from him.
"Just because I want you to stay doesn't mean you can get fresh with me, Sparrow. I meant it when I said I had a headache. If you're going to contribute to it, you may as well leave now, or I will." Winn made to pull out of Jack's light embrace but he stopped her with word and deed.
"Nay, if this is what you want, then I'm willing to settle for that . . . for a price of course."
"Of course. The price had better not be to steep, Captain, otherwise you'll find yourself out in the rain again."
"I just want an answer to a few questions."
"I thought we had decided that you had used up your questions the other night, Sparrow. I don't know why you expect me to give you any answers." When Jack made no other move to push her into intimacies she wasn't prepared for, Winn relaxed a fraction.
"You're the one who decided that, lass. I had no say in the matter at all." Jack moved the hand at her shoulders up to the back of her head. She tensed again, unsure of his motivation and not yet ready to trust his intentions. "Relax, Winnie. I still haven't heard a request to be bitten. You're safe as long as you keep that request to yourself." Jack started to massage Winn's scalp with surprisingly talented fingers.
"Hmm . . . what is it that you want to know?"
"How is it that you didn't know anything of your grandfather before you came out here?"
"I suppose Father just thought it was better for us not to know. If it had been know, if it managed to get out somehow, what do you think the consequences would have been? There's still a rather large price on Grandfather's head in several different countries. Do you really think that all men are scrupulous enough to leave the innocent unharmed in a quest for riches or vengeance? You yourself were ready to trade Will for the Pearl before you came to know him. Also, the man lived half a world away. He didn't have much to do with our lives." Winn was still tense, but it was different in a way. It was more like extreme awareness than anxiety, but at the same time she was feeling extremely lethargic. She wondered if there came a point when a person was so tired they could no longer relax.
"But your father taught you about pirates and sailing and navigating. Weren't you ever curious why he was teaching you about such things? They aren't exactly a normal course of study for a young girl."
"Of course I asked. But Father only ever said that I might need to know someday. Can we sit down? My feet are starting to hurt."
Jack eyed the bench set into the wall doubtfully. It didn't look the least bit comfortable. "Sure, lass."
Winn pulled loose of Jack, then moved over to bed. She sat down on it, feet curled under her, back to the wall that connected their two cabins. She cocked an eyebrow at Jack, a silent enquiry into whether he was going to join her or not.