"And it was really funny… in the weird sort of way. You see the clown I was telling you about? He morphed into this mailman and came by our house...I have a funny feeling I'm losing you here…" Joe took a quick glance at Vanessa who was in the black Freelander's passenger seat and saw her stifling a yawn. He turned into Vanessa's driveway, feeling a little helpless. Throughout lunch, she had been quiet and too polite such that he thought he was having lunch with a stranger.
With one hand on the steering wheel, he wiped the other on his jeans-clad thigh, not liking how his palms could be so sweaty despite the frigid weather. Vanessa hugged her coat tightly around herself and Joe saw it as a symbol of the wall she had built between herself and him.
"I don't know. Sorry, I'm feeling sleepy and bored." She mumbled as Joe pulled to a stop. He watched her- his crestfallen expression went unnoticed as she hastily unbelted like she was extremely thankful that their short lunch date was over and she could once again be free from his clutches.
"Van, we need to talk." He stopped her just before she could exit. Swishing her long, wavy ash-blond hair to her back, Vanessa casually glance at him, breaking his heart by the way she disregarded the hurt he imagined must be as apparent as a black ink blotch on his cheek.
"You don't like to talk. Talking is for sissies… yup. If I remember correctly, those were your exact words." She shot him back with cruel nonchalance- her words like rabbit punches to his guts. Hostility was riding high but Joe, without a clue as to how to placate her, scratched his hair and squeezed his chest for precious words.
"I'm sorry… I want to talk now. If we can just…"
"But I'm not in the mood to talk, Joe Hardy. I'm tired and I just want to go home and hibernate." Vanessa was about to get out of the car again when Joe reached over to touch her cold, smooth hand like marble made of flesh. He clasped his long, strong fingers over her slender, tapered ones but she did not reciprocate the affection. Suddenly, his whole body itched he could not recall another moment when he felt as uncomfortable as he was feeling then.
Joe cleared his throat to hawk away the nervousness. He inhaled deeply and exhaled out slowly while Vanessa waited for him, looking out of the window on her side.
"Van, there's something wrong with us and I want to know what's really bothering you. You've been… well… much more peevish than usual and if there's something, or someone else… or…"
"Someone else?" Vanessa jerked her head sharply to face him and her eyes narrowed with disbelief. "Someone else, Joseph Hardy?"
If the weather was cold, Vanessa just lowered the temperature to the point where hell froze over.
"Yah… I don't know… I…. I mean, you've not been loving. It's like you're purposely distancing yourself from me and I hate it…I want us to be like before… you know…" Joe's hand that was holding on to hers trembled, wondering if she had applied some sort of repellent on her skin to bar all his touches.
"Like before…" Vanessa almost spat before she let out a small, derisive laugh. "Like before. Joe, I'm not the one with that someone else. It's you. You went out with Liz thinking that I won't mind, well, let me tell you, I do. You had a crush on her before and you know she has special feelings for you. You were so willing to listen to her woes when she broke up with Don but you turn a deaf ear when I failed my Chem test! In case you forgot, I failed my test coz' I was helping you with Calculus the night before. I'm angry! I've been so angry for so long and you don't care! ARGHH!" Vanessa finished with a frustrated growl and slammed the dashboard when words failed to convey the pain she must have felt. She turned away from him again and sniffed.
Joe remembered those acts of betrayal very well but he had thought that those mistakes and memories of bad decisions would just fade away with time if no voice was given to acknowledge them. Time should heal all things but somehow, it just made things worse.
Yes. She did start becoming hostile right after she knew about my date with Liz! Stupid, stupid Joe! Why didn't you see that?!!!
In those nights when he thought about their splintering relationship, he always placed the blame on her- that she was too demanding and having expectations that were much too high for him to achieve. In his fantasies, he was the one who would walk away suavely and she would come crying, asking him to return to her and apologizing for all her hurtful actions.
In his dreams, he was never wrong.
Yah, right. In my dreams.
He would be lost without her. She was the only girl who touched him in that special, indescribable manner after Iola's passing. She provided him with support and faith that he never imagined he would get from someone else.
"Van, I'm… I'm really sorry… give me another chance. I don't know why I pulled stunts like those. I just wanted to see if Liz and I… I mean… I was just curious and… . I didn't want talk about it because it's nothing… nothing to me… . You're the only for me and I promise I'll correct my flaws and we'll meet each other halfway…" Joe felt like he was digging deeper into his own grave the more he tried to explain in those pathetic stutters. Vanessa stared at him incredulously and the threat of a break-up became as imminent as a gathering gray cloud to bring forth a deluge with sulphurous lightning and saltpeter thunder.
"Ok, Joe. Tell you what- I'm not sure right now if you're the one for me so let me go out with a few guys that I may be attracted to see if our love can withstand my crushes. You mentioned that you're off to an island in Thailand right? We'll use that week or so that you'll be away to re-evaluate our relationship. I'm a selfish girl and I won't stand you flirting with other girls, having crushes on them that compromise your devotion to me. I want you and I want you to only want me. I don't need you. I want you. You need me but you want many others too…" Vanessa's voice trailed off and she took in a sharp intake of breath. Always proud, Vanessa would never let anyone see her cry, not even Joe. Joe, with some effort to overcome his discomfiture, squeezed her hand tightly, as if willing for that little action to draw her nearer to him but she remained far away from him. Regretting his decision to not to talk about his date with Liz, Joe was afraid as well that Vanessa might just call off whatever they had between them.
Come on, Joey! Say something! Something to make her smile and hold your back! How could I think it was all her fault when it was my philandering nature that sparked the destructive chain reaction?
Deep in his self-reproaching, Joe did not notice the dead silence until Vanessa faced him again, not with anger but with disillusionment in those watery, grey orbs. She was disappointed in him and she could not spell out her feelings better with words than with that look. Disappointment cut deeper than any adverse reactions that he could induce in anyone. He remembered that Frank had said, "I give up on you," to him point-blank once. Though he could not recall the incident that caused the two brothers to quarrel, the memory of the hurt and fear that he would never regain Frank's faith and confidence in him was as fresh as blood from a bleeding wound.
Can I regain Van's trust in me?
"There's a difference, Joe. Love is wanting that somebody without hidden agenda. It is about being with somebody even if he or she has absolutely nothing to offer. It's about giving, communication and it's a decision that you make and try your best to keep! You understand my take on love? Because if our ideas on the most basic block that build a relationship is fundamentally different, I don't see the point in carrying on. Don't stop me again. Take the time to think things through. We'll sort out our feelings and see if we still want each other in end, all right?" Vanessa pulled her hand abruptly away and pushed down the door's handle, swung it open and stepped out. Joe watched her go, pressing his lips together- the weight on his heart so unbearable that he almost wanted to call Frank to travel over and drive him home.
She walked towards her house without a backwards glance and he took in her every detail like a sponge taking to water. Her soft hair that sashayed to and fro her back, her graceful gait and how she lingered for a second longer than necessary before she threw open the front door, entered her house and shut the door behind her. She vanished from his sight and he fought for breath, tasting something salty on his tongue.
He drove home in a trance, accompanied by the melancholic skies and coldness of winter. Vanessa was all he thought of and it was a miracle he made it back home in one piece via the slippery roads made even more treacherous by his broken heart. Like a robot on auto-pilot, he parked his Land Rover next to dad's red Fiat. Stepping inside the house, he stood still for a moment before dashing up the stairs to his room and slammed the door shut.
Spread-eagled on his bed, Joe mussed up his own hair agitatedly before he roared his frustrations at the ceiling and heard them reverberated back at him mockingly. The terrible twist of his heart wrung tears to his eyes and for a moment, he just wanted to bawl out loud like a little child in pain.
"Hey, what's wrong? Packed yet? Kissed Van goodbye?" The door to the adjoined bathroom he shared with Frank swung open and out popped Frank's head, masking his concern with a typical, big-brother smile and customary questions that were supposed to lead Joe to confide. However, Joe was really not in the mood to talk anymore so he feebly raised a hand to wave Frank away.
"Ah! So who's being rude now? C'mon… you can tell me what's wrong…" Frank's inability to leave him alone whenever big brother's instincts told him something was bothering Joe was both a blessing and a curse. Blessing when Joe was too shy to approach Frank for help at times and Frank would just take the initiative to assist him.
Curse in moments like these when Joe needed to be alone.
"Nothing's wrong. I've kissed Van goodbye. Go worry about us walking into a set-up, will you?" Joe dismissed his brother's show of care and continued staring up at the ceiling, trying to be distracted by the canvas etched into it through random trails of hairline cracks.
Set-up. Frank was a calm worrier. He would just grow silent as possibilities of danger and counteracts flashed past his sharp mind. The two brothers, after being momentary stunted by a stranger's generosity, knowing when things sounded too good to be true, it normally was not true, had dashed to the phone to call their parents. Joe let Frank take care of informing Fenton and was mildly shocked when he put down the phone a short while later and told him that Fenton gave them the go-ahead- just like that.
So when Fenton and Laura were not anxious over their sons running headlong into danger, Frank would take over. For a full ten minutes, he sat down as still as a statue on the couch in deep concentration. Finally, he voiced out his concerns and though Joe had his own reservations, he mooted Frank down.
"Frank! Where's your sense of adventure? Phuket airport is packed at this time year with all of us rushing somewhere to escape winter plus you have your karate chops and my lean mean muscles!"
"Don't underestimate these people, Joe. We may not come out alive if we just present ourselves to some form of ambush." Frank sat down heavily on the couch after pacing up and down the hall slowly, staring hard at the note they found inside the envelop together with the tickets and spare cash which was definitely not enough for the whole trip but would get them started. "I have checked it out on the internet. Um. It's a private land off Phi-Phi that is owned by Queen McHeart. She opened up a small, exclusive resort on it that's always fully booked and the queue for the next available space is at least a year. The virgin beaches are said to be in pristine condition…"
"So what are we waiting for? It's a free vacation then to an island paradise! I can do some snorkeling, maybe diving too. Clown seemed harmless…"
"'Seemed' is the word, my astute kid brother."
"Go away. I'll join you downstairs in a few moments to head to JFK." Joe commanded and while he could not see Frank's expression, he imagined his brother to perhaps shrugged lightly and just walk away.
He heard the sounds of a door closing- the creaking hinges that Joe neglected to oil and the soft impact. Thinking that Frank was gone, Joe struggled up into a sitting position only to look his stealthy brother in the eye. Shocked, he took in sharp noisy breath before glaring into Frank's enigmatic dark eyes.
"You sneak up on me!"
"Can't my kid brother starting his vacation with a sour face." Frank appeared stern initially but he broke into a smile and ruffled Joe's hair to which Joe scowled (couldn't Frank understand he's sensitive about people touching his hair?). Sitting down next to Joe on the edge of the bed, Frank put an arm around his brother and playfully shook Joe sideways.
"What could pain my brother so?"
"A woman, yay. Of fair heritage and as icy as a glacier. I think I may have done something to… never mind. I said I don't want to talk about it now." Joe pouted and clasped his hands together, knocking them against his knees as he swung his legs back and forth to kick the support of his bed.
"Your date with Liz?" Frank ventured and once again, Joe was shocked by his brother's knack for knowing exactly what went wrong. Maybe he should have consulted Frank first before playing out that cold war with Vanessa. Then again, how did Frank know he went on a date with Liz?"
"I know what you're thinking. I heard it from Chet. You know, small talks… . She's angry about that?" Frank prompted and Joe nodded despondently.
"She'll probably said things like, 'let's go our separate ways' or, 'we need time to think about our relationship' and alike. Right?"
Joe nodded again.
"And you're afraid and sad because you know in your heart you want her but at the end of the 'thinking process' she may not want you back. It's a gamble and one of the consequences is a broken heart. That's why you're so bothered. Am I correct thus far?"
"How can you guess so accurately?" Joe pretended to be in awe as he placed a palm over his chest and widened his already large eyes. "Methinks thou's a seer! Taking lessons from the Oracle, I gather, my good man?"
"Trade secrets." Frank winked before his eyes glazed over with some melancholy. This time, Joe was the one who ventured a guess.
"You probably got the same treatment from Callie."
Though Frank had not burdened Joe with his relationship problems, Joe knew enough. When Frank went to Harvard and Callie to Princeton, the both of them vowed to keep their love going. Then two months later, Frank called Joe in the dead of night and Joe thought Frank sounded a little tipsy. He started telling Joe lame jokes and in the end, broke down and cried over the phone. Joe had thought Frank drank too much at some party but later, he knew Frank was drunk not with alcohol but with sorrows. Frank was matured enough to only drink alcohol in measured quantities for social functions- never for escaping his troubles or just stupid fun. It was then he told Joe Callie and him were officially over. A month ago, Callie called Frank to tell him they should see other people and take the time to think about their relationship. Frank kept it all to himself. Three weeks later, the break-up was final. Callie did not return to Bayport for the holidays. Instead, her parents traveled down to New Jersey to spend the holidays with their daughter and to meet her new boyfriend, the RA of the co-ed dormitory Callie was staying at.
"I didn't go out with any girls beforehand. I didn't go out with any girls after. I probably won't for a long time. My problems are in the past; all that's left are memories. It's yours that we have to tackle now. I'm all ears." Frank squeezed Joe's shoulder a little too hard and Joe winced a little.
"I just feel lousy. Like terrible. Reminds me… when Iola died, I was flirting with someone else. I don't feel like I have learnt my lesson and it was such a costly lesson. I miss her, man. Iola, I mean. But I love Vanessa. Liz was just a distraction for a while but if I'm going to lose Van because of that, I'm never going to live it down. I feel like I'm such a hopeless being…" Joe unclasped his hands and stared at his opened palms, clenching and unclenching his fingers. Depression was about to seize hold of him and he was glad that his brother was there to divert it away by spending time to talk to him even though he pushed him away earlier on.
"You're not. In fact, you're a wonderful being. Your existence itself is a miracle and Vanessa, if she loves you, will be able to see that too. We are human and we have our flaws. We may stumble and fall but what's most important is that we pick ourselves up. If we have done something wrong, a contrite heart that's willing to change for the better is the best we can offer as remedy. Don't ever put yourself down and you know I'll never allow you to dwell on such destructive thoughts." Frank gave his trademark big-brother long speeches that actually made a lot of sense. Joe liked what he heard and immediately perked up by a few watts- the smile on his face instantly lifted up his spirits.
"And after the week is over, she'll be there at the airport, waiting for me and we'll know we want each other." Joe nodded resolutely and pressed his palm over his heart. "I can feel it here."
Frank ruffled his hair again grinned. "I'm sorry about yesterday, kiddo. My disjointed sojourn in Wonderland had made me a little grouchy."
Joe tilted his head to one side and a thought came to his mind that seemed like a foray into uncharted waters. He never had such questions popping into his head, or rather, he did have a lot of those but never had he paid them any serious attention. This time round, however, his encounter with Clown, a.k.a. Mailman, somehow allowed the waters of ideas and wonder to seep through the cracks in the wall of indifference.
"Say, Frank, why did Alice only wonder in Wonderland?"
"Come again?" Frank asked, the grin on his lips wiped away and his eyes blazed with curiosity and what Joe liked to interpret as amazement.
Joe bit his lips because he did not know how to put to words what he was feeling. Why would a normal human being only be shock and wonder about something different or imagined? Was not Life amazing enough to warrant the same attention, if not more?
"I just think we can wonder and be amazed right here. We may live in the world but we don't belong to it…. After all, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. But we're not using the short time we have here to… hmm… just appreciate the nice things and people around us."
Frank smiled, his dark brown eyes deepened to that shade of black that made him seemed a little out-worldly. He patted Joe's thigh and then stood up, leaving Joe a little baffled. Had he said something stupid and Frank was just controlling himself, hoping to leave as quickly as possible so he could go somewhere and snigger?
"You're right. Why does Alice only wonder in Wonderland? What's so fascinating about Wonderland when we have one here that's right before our very eyes that's even more astounding? There's hope for you yet, kiddo… there's hope for you yet."
"Now you're sounding like the Clown." Joe was proud that he had thought of a difficult thought that could perhaps change his outlook on life. Nonetheless, behind the smug smile that he could not help, he was a little confused as to how his outlook on life had changed. He just felt like he was bursting with many riddles and no answers. He wondered if Frank felt the same too all his life which was why Frank was such an avid reader- the mental archive in his mind could put some libraries to shame.
Frank exhaled heavily and twisted his upper body to-and-fro sideways to relieve the tensed up muscles. "I'm not. Anyway, I'll go take my bags and I'll meet you downstairs, all right? I got Chet to drive us to the airport. Don't dilly-dally or this trip won't wait for you."
This trip won't wait for me.
But I have been waiting a long time for it.