At War's End: An Expecting Mother
By Newtype Zeta
*****
As I glance around my new home, I can only wonder yet again at how surreal this all feels.
I feel a chill as the breeze picks up and I can tell immediately that winter is hurrying towards us and that we'll soon have to bring all the animals in from pasture and break out the heavier winter clothing and bedding. And as the hover car finally comes to a stop in front of the house I now share with my young friends, I can only think of the heart-aching beauty that surrounds me.
Oh Oliver, darling, how I wish you were here. You know that you're never very far from my thoughts. And with the upcoming birth, it seems that I'm spending even more time than usual thinking about you. There is still the pain of loss that dwells in my heart, but more and more I find myself smiling in bittersweet remembrance. This aching is entirely different in nature; like a great thirst I have that can never be quenched. How I long to have you here at my side just once more, perhaps then I would be able to say a few things I had always meant to.
I look over at Shakti as Usso runs by me, lifting Karlmann into the air and running around laughing at the joyful expression on the little guy's face. I see tears in her eyes and know that the traveler she ran into must have said something to remind her of the ever present sadness that lurks just beneath the surface. For her, the wounds are still too fresh and she remembers all too vividly those we lost in the war. I shake my head slowly and make my way over to her. This will not do, not at all.
"Shakti, what's wrong?"
She realizes that tears are making their way down her face and she gently wipes them away, not bothering to try and cover it up. She knows quite well that I'd never leave her alone when she's like this. She's about the closest thing to a little sister that I've ever had and I'll be damned if I let her think for an instant that Usso and I aren't going to be there for her.
"Nothing really. I'm just....."
She can't seem to finish the sentence, trying with all her will to grapple for the right words to convey what exactly is troubling her.
"The lost traveler?"
Shakti looks at me for but a moment in shock, but nods regardless. I say nothing more as she slightly opens her arms wordlessly asking for a hug, anything to reassure her that perhaps someday it won't hurt so much. I manage as best I can, seeing as how I'm big as a house and will remain that way for another month at most.
And suddenly I know how to make her forget her anguish, if only for a few moments. I can't help but let the semi-giddy smile plaster itself to my face and feel the pure joy spread through me yet again.
"Shakti!" I quickly grab her hand and place it on my swollen abdomen and watch the darkness almost instantly vanish from her face. The little ones are quite lively now. Shakti is almost as excited about their birth as I am, but then she's always had that maternal side of her that continues to amaze me.
How she, an 11 year old girl, took care of an infant with almost no complaints whatsoever during a war no less, I'll never know. I envy her that. She'll make a wonderful mother herself one day, if not sooner for little Karlmann. But that is a matter for another day.
*****
Usso, Elischa, Tomache, and Mr. Massarik, Tomache's father, accompanied me to Woowig last week to pay a visit to the resident midwife and physician for my monthly check-up and to make a grocery run for a few items we were running low on. The midwife, a pleasant woman named Alicia Dorset, was one of the people in Woowig who looked favorably upon people even if they were illegal immigrants from space, which almost all of us currently are. She had seen Usso often in his youth when his parents had brought him in for things like the regular inoculations and the occasional high fever.
While there, she also looked Usso over to make sure that there were no lingering signs of infection around her stitches just above his left hip. She was the one who tended to Usso's wound from that last battle, given to him by none other than his former friend Katejina. It's almost finished healing and has left quite a scar in its wake; but then I suppose that's about normal when you're stabbed in the side with a four-inch blade and having it twisted on the way out. Miraculously, there was no permanent damage. He says it's still a little sore these days, but much better than it has been. Otherwise, he's as healthy as can be.
While Alicia may not have a staff, she is certainly well-equipped and had recently managed to salvage an old sonogram machine with the help of Tomache and Martina. In return, I was her first sonogram patient in a long while and discovered that I was carrying two little angels instead of one. A boy and a girl from what we could tell. I can't really put a name to everything that was going through my head at that moment; all I knew was that it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Perhaps I'll only be able to put a name to it when the children arrive.
*****
Shakti's eyes continue to shine as she feels the movement of tiny limbs within me, as if she's never before felt anything like it. She's done this nearly every time so far, and she has yet to grow tired of it. I can only wonder what goes through her mind when she thinks of children. After all, she took care of Karlmann throughout most of war barring a few incidents where they were briefly separated.
Usso and Shakti are both preparing for the new arrivals in their own way. Usso has taken to staying in his parents' computer library late at night, reading medical journals and baby delivery manuals so that in case we can't get to Woowig before I go into labor, he'll be somewhat prepared to deliver them if he has to. Usso has also been chiefly responsible for my Lamaze training when Alicia was traveling and has become quite familiar with the subject.
Right now, Shakti is knitting them each a pair of jumpers like Karlmann used to wear not that long ago. She's finished with the girl's and is hurrying as fast as she can to finish the boy's before they arrive. In keeping with tradition, she made the girl's a light pink and the boy's a sky blue. How she and Usso both find the time and energy to do this has puzzled me to no end as they are constantly outdoors maintaining our homestead, tending the fields, and performing the necessary chores in order to keep things going around here.
As Suzy and Warren also had nowhere to go, they now live in a small extension of Usso's house that Usso, Tomache, Mr. Massarik, and Warren built not long after we returned. The second house now serves primarily as a place to do our chores that require an indoor environment and as a store house for our extended family. All of us are living in Usso's larger house for the time being at his suggestion. He explained that it would probably be better in case we had to react to any emergency, not to mention it would consume less fuel to heat one building during the winter instead of two. Soon we'll be spending most of our time indoors to escape the bone-chilling cold of the northern winters.
Usso has adapted to life after the war quite well. He still has nightmares for sure, as he will sometimes appear in my doorway late at night, pillow and blanket in hand, and look at me with eyes haunted enough to make grown men shiver. Other nights I'll hear him cry out suddenly, but Shakti has always beaten me to him then. On those nights Shakti and Usso share a bed, lending each other comfort, warmth, and strength to drive away the horrors that fuel their nightmares.
Shakti has adapted as well, but while Usso has managed to leave a large part of his misery behind and focus on the present, Shakti still grieves silently and dwells on the sadness that I'm sure must threaten her very sanity at times. She's a sensitive girl, but I think she will pull through so long as Usso and I are here to help her. Although I have to admit that Usso has always had a much greater effect on Shakti than I have.
Shakti is still wearing an expression of rapture on her face when she notices that Usso has started back towards us with Karlmann on his shoulders; the little guy seems exhausted at his attempts to walk over the past few minutes. Karlmann is coming along nicely and Usso has also been learning all he can about what kids learn at what ages so that he can be a good role model for Karlmann. Though I hardly think that Usso needs to change at all; any parent would be proud to call Usso their child.
It's ironic that his own father never said such a thing to him, as far as I know anyway.
For what it's worth, I'm proud of him. He's done more than any child his age should ever be expected to and so much more. As he approaches us, I watch as Karlmann shrieks with laughter from his perch on Usso's shoulders; happy and carefree, just as an infant should be. I wouldn't be all that surprised if Karlmann started calling Usso his "papa" and what possible effects that would have on him.
I cannot help at the moment but wonder exactly what kind of father that Usso will eventually become, especially given what his own father was like. However, the concern is quickly dispelled from my mind.
I chuckle lightly to myself as Shakti and I both turn to watch the two. There's no need to ask such a question; Usso has always taken after his mother more than his father. The thought brings a small wave of relief and I realize that such a question is better left for a day far in the future. Usso is still only thirteen after all.
*****
"Is there anything else you need help with right now Marvette?"
"No, no right now. I've done everything I can for the time being. I'm thinking about turning in early, it's been a pretty tiring day."
"I know; I need to get to bed early as well. I should have started thinking about winterizing the house a while ago. Now the first snow is here and that means we don't have too much longer to prepare."
"I can do some of the work on the house for you tomorrow Usso. I've been doing a little at a time for about a week now. But we've been so busy trying to catch up and all that I haven't really had the chance to finish." Shakti replied.
"I understand. Would you mind helping her finish up tomorrow Marvette? If it's not too much of a problem for you that is...." Usso asks, looking in my direction sheepishly.
I can't help but laugh a little. Usso has been the perfect gentlemen throughout my pregnancy, offering to do my chores in addition to his own when my back started to hurt. I quickly reply.
"I think I can handle a little housework Usso. Sure I'll help Shakti tomorrow."
"Thanks." He replies before turning to Shakti.
"If you find anything wrong with the shed, the windows, or anything else, let me know and I'll see what I can do about it, okay?"
"Sure." Shakti replies, smiling.
"Do you need any help bringing the laundry back?"
"Please; there's still a basket left and my hands are getting pretty cold."
"Okay, let's go." Usso replies as he gently lifts Karlmann from his shoulders and settles him on the ground in front of me.
"Could you look after Karlmann until we get back Marvette?"
I simply grin and nod my head before Usso takes one of Shakti's hands in both of his and starts walking back towards the river. I watch Karlmann carefully cover the three steps over to my leg and grab hold just in time to keep his balance. When I look back up, I'm treated to a rare scene indeed.
Usso and Shakti are walking hand in hand and talking about one thing or another like the best of friends. Shakti has no sign of grief on her face whatsoever and she appears to have left her sadness behind for a little while. I continue to watch them as Usso alternates Shakti's hands between his own, making an effort to warm them up slowly like he's been taught to do for himself.
There are definite advantages to being a dark-skinned female like myself. One of them is that those around me have a very difficult time indeed distinguishing whether or not I'm blushing. And Shakti has been blessed with skin almost as dark as my own. I'm not sure if Shakti realizes she has such an advantage at a time like this, but she's almost certainly blushing as I watch Usso freely give her his full attention.
*****
Ah, to be the very center of another person's attention like that. Now Oliver, don't take offense to this darling; but while you certainly had moments like these with me, they were few and far between and I certainly wouldn't have minded if they had occurred a little more often, though admittantly I'm as much to blame for that as you were, if not more.
Regardless of your flaws as well as my own, you loved me and I loved you. I still love you. And the longer I think about it, the more I realize that I'll love you for the rest of my life, however long that turns out to be.
But when you died on the moon, it was a completely different story.
I felt like I was suffocating under an intensely oppressive weight that was both real and unreal at the same time, so great was my anguish. It was as close to truly understanding the pain of hell as I have ever come before or since that day.
I was locked away in my despair, and if it hadn't been for the war raging around me then I'm almost certain I would have shut down completely. All my reasoning and logic told me that life without you wouldn't be life at all, but pain and misery incarnate. And no one could tell me otherwise, or I should say that they did tell me, I just wasn't listening.
It took the combined effort of everyone on the White Ark to bring me around. The first to try were Odelo and Tomache. They were, in a way, the bravest as they were the first to confront me about your death when I had more or less become a raging bull. Usso helped out a great deal as well. Together, the three of them were responsible for the bulk of my early recovery that got me back on my feet. The rest was, and still is, up to me.
I laid you to rest as best I could, and then I had to get back into the saddle to lead the White Ark. It wasn't easy during those first few days by any means. I cried myself to sleep for quite a while after that. God how I missed you; how I still miss you. The aching for you then was an order of magnitude stronger than it is now, amplified sharply simply because it was still too soon for me to let you go, not that I ever have darling nor do I ever plan to.
Then one day, I woke up just a little early and found that I felt more at peace than I had in days. It was like you were right there with me, wrapping me in a blanket of warmth that I can't begin to describe. And while tears fell yet again, this time they were shed with a heart lighter than I had ever experienced.
And suddenly I knew what I had to do. I had to survive. I had to keep on living. I had to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Breathe in and breathe out. Even though the logical side of my brain said that things would never be the same again without you at my side, I realized that you were with me, in a way I couldn't then explain. And then I heard what I knew then must have been your last thought in this world.
"Marvette, I'm leaving our child in your hands."
Oh Oliver, if only you knew what that meant to me. There's no really easy way to put it into words and this is the closest I have ever come to doing just that; it gave me back my life.
It must have been some kind of fluke. I'm not a newtype, nor do I ever want to be one. Seeing Usso during the war cured me of any possible desire to be one. How it happened though is irrelevant now; it was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Why look such a precious gift in the mouth?
I knew then that I had come too far to quit; hence that option was immediately and forevermore banished from my mind. So I kept surviving, living, and breathing. When the others asked me if I was pregnant, I couldn't fully hide that still faint glimmer of hope that had burned within me since you died. And when I learned the truth for myself a few weeks after the war ended, a weight unlike any I had known before lifted from my shoulders and I vowed then and there that I would raise our child to the best of my abilities.
And things did indeed work out to some small degree. I kept my end of the bargain and kept on living. To my surprise, Usso offered me a place in his home in Kassarelia. I couldn't think of a better place to raise my child and I had to admit that Usso, Shakti, and the rest of the White Ark crew were the only family I had left. It was quite possibly the easiest decision I have ever made.
*****
And so here I am, sitting in a homemade rocking chair in a room that used to belong to Usso's parents. Bless them for producing such a person as their son. He is such a treasure in this dreary world and Shakti is no different. Special in her own way and a rare jewel to be sure.
I envy them in a way.
They are still only children. Soon to be 14 and 12 respectively, but I could see the tender beginnings even during the war before I got to know them too well. Shakti always worried about Usso and he always worried about her. Despite what he might have said regarding how he felt about her and how he acted around myself and the Shrike Team, I could tell that Shakti occupied a place deep in his heart that couldn't possibly be filled by anyone else. Sure others occasionally merited a more immediate concern, like Odelo, Tomache, Elischa, and all the others during battle; like myself when I lost you Oliver, but when push came to shove they were always worried about each other before anything else.
Even now, Shakti and Usso are perhaps closer than I have ever seen two children that age become. Yet I know that they are no longer innocent children. They have both seen enough blood spilt to last ten lifetimes, including the blood of both their mothers and Usso's father. They have seen war at its most gruesome and have survived the ordeal more or less intact in every way that counts.
They are strong indeed; stronger than I could ever have expected two children to be.
They've spent more than half of their lives together and I imagine that when they get older, they will have some decisions to make about the roles that they wish to have in each other's life. They need each other like they need air to breathe and water to drink. They need each other like you and I needed each other Oliver.
I'm going to *have* to remember to start a pool sometime soon.
Life hasn't exactly turned out the way I expected it to. But then, when has it ever?
Yet through it all, I *can* say that I don't regret anything I've done these past few years. I was proud to stand at your side on our graduation day at the Federation Academy. With you, I watched in horror what was really happening with Zanscare and wasted no time finding out what needed to be done in order to make a difference. Our wedding day was perhaps the best of my life, though I certainly would have preferred a long honeymoon on some semi-deserted tropical island. I have willingly and lovingly become sort of like a surrogate mother and big sister to these children who needed someone to look out for them, show them the ropes, and help them stand on their own two feet. And I am overjoyed to be carrying our children.
No. Life may be cruel sometimes, but only if you focus on the pain and sorrow while forgetting all of the joy and contentment that has graced your life.
And that is what gives me the determination to get out of bed every morning despite the physical rigors and discomfort of pregnancy, the uncertainty of upcoming motherhood, the constant list of things that need to be done around the homestead, the frustration I feel when things don't turn out the way I want or expect them to, as well as the sadness and longing I feel whenever I think of those we lost in the war, especially you. The endless possibility that each new day brings gives me hope for humanity, hope for my family, hope for Usso and Shakti's future, and hope that one day all of us will be together again.
Regardless of how today went, tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what will happen to us next in this crazy, ever-changing world?
_______________________________________
Author's Notes: Standard disclaimers apply to all material related to Victory Gundam. Any feedback is welcomed and will probably result in an eventual correction of some kind. More is on the way soon enough, hope you enjoyed this installment!