Warning: This chapter may contain descriptions about rape, abuse, and cutting. If you do not like to read about these topics, then don't read. Wow, that was simple.
Special Note: This chapter was written in Harry's point of view as a special treat. The alternating POVs of Ron and Draco will resume in the next chapter, beginning with Ron.
Chapter 15- Back at the Burrow
Although Harry had enjoyed his time at Diagon Alley, he was glad to be back at the Burrow. Besides Hogwarts, it the only place he had ever felt safe. It was like a security blanket that would always be there for him. It was one of the few things he could trust in anymore.
Harry was currently sitting upstairs in Ron's hideously orange room trying to finish is homework. He was unable to complete anything while he was at the Dursleys, and he was beginning to feel the crunch of getting everything done before they had to return to school. He wished he could go outside and play Quidditch with the others, but he had to get his homework done first. He had procrastinated long enough.
The Quidditch posters in Ron's room were quite distracting. Unable to focus on what he was doing, he gazed lazily at the professional flyers that were zooming around the pitch. He didn't feel like studying any longer, so he decided to take a break. He pulled out Sirius's leather bound journal that Remus had given him. He had been so touched that Remus would have given him such a wonderful gift. Opening up the front cover, he lightly fingered Sirius's name and sighed. He blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall down his eyelashes, and he flipped through the pages to find the spot where he had stopped reading.
January 19…..Well, today was quite exciting. Peter has finally learned how to become an animagus after all those months of preparation. How he chose to become a rat is beyond me. James and I figured out how to transform about three weeks, so we can all keep Remus company when he has to go through his monthly transformations. This animagus stuff is pretty tricky business. I don't think we fully realized what we were getting ourselves into when we devised this plan. Our official Marauder names are Moony (Remus), Padfoot (me), Prongs (James), and Wormtail (Peter). I came up with Wormtail myself. Peter hates it. We have begun to discuss how we can use are animagus forms to our advantage. I think it would be a hoot to pull a prank on old Snivellus (a.k.a. Severus Snape). James is sure to go for it. He is always trying to find ways to impress Evans, but he doesn't seem to get the fact that she isn't remotely interested in him. I don't care why he pulls these pranks with me as long as we are having a good time…
Harry thought about all the crazy adventures the Marauders must have experienced while they were at Hogwarts. He decided not to dwell on the fact that they had bullied his potions professor as students. It was hard enough to process everything he was reading without thinking about what he had seen in Snape's pensieve or their deaths. If they had only known about Peter… he shook his head to rid his thoughts of Wormtail. He took a moment to stretch his arms and back, and rolled his head around his shoulders to get out the kinks. Lost in thought, he had not heard anyone open the door and enter the room.
"Hey, can I help you with that," said a soft voice. He was startled to feel a pair of hands lightly squeeze his shoulders.
"NO……" Harry reacted blindly. He ducked away from the unseen hands and dropped to the floor, whirling around to defend himself.
"Harry…it's all right. I was just going to give you a massage. You looked like you needed it," said Draco. He slowly kneeled down beside Harry. "Didn't you hear me come in?'
"No…sorry I acted like that," Harry said taking slow and steady breaths. He sat down on the floor between the two beds, and put his head in his hands. He had found that staying at the noisy Burrow was really difficult when you are used to being shoved into solitary confinement. He hated being touched and everything startled him no matter how safe and secure he had begun to feel around the others. Harry had tried so hard to keep everyone from knowing how he was feeling, and now he had acted like a complete moron in front of Draco. He could feel his panic attack slowly ebb away. It had almost gotten bad that time.
"Don't apologize. Are you alright?" Draco asked sounding concerned.
"Yeah," he said still looking down. He was still shaking slightly and he hoped that Draco hadn't noticed what was wrong. He looked up at the blond haired boy but knew that he wasn't going to give up.
"Harry, it's okay that you are still feeling a little weird about everything. You had a pretty rough time of it this summer and it is only natural that you are still adjusting. You don't have to hide your feelings. I am sorry if I scared you. Did you think I was your uncle when I touched you?"
"Yes…I know it's stupid to think like that because Uncle Vernon is not here and he can't hurt me, but I can't help it." Harry shrugged sheepishly.
"I know what you mean," said Draco.
"You do?" How could he possibly understand what I am feeling?
"Yeah, I used to get really jumpy when I was younger, especially after my father punished me for something. Every noise startled me, and I kept thinking that he was going to come after me again."
"Was it always that bad when you were growing up?" Harry asked.
"No, I had what you might call a normal childhood. He would only beat me when he was particularly angry, but it was always bad when he did. Other than that life wasn't too bad. My mother and the servants pampered me. Believe it or not, I did love my father. I even idolized him at one point in my life. It was all I could do to please him. Then I finally started to see the truth of it all, and I hated what I was becoming."
"When did you start to realize that you were different from your father?" asked Harry. He was curious as to how he had gone from a nasty slytherin that he used to know to this decent person in front of him. It was all still a little unbelievable.
"Oh, I don't know exactly… probably after the tri-wizard tournament in our fourth year… when the Dark Lord was resurrected," Draco said carefully.
Harry looked away as the memories of that event came flooding back once again. Kill the spare…blood forcibly taken….How many times was he going to have to relive that day?
"Harry, are you okay?" asked Draco.
"Yeah, go on…" he replied thoughtfully.
"Well, my father started to have me attend a few of the death eater meetings. I hated going to them. They were really awful. One time I saw a group of muggles tortured because they accidentally crossed our path. It was really sick!"
"I remember…" said Harry.
"What do you mean? How could you?" Draco asked astonished.
"I am connected to Voldemort through my stupid scar. I sometimes see what he is doing. It usually occurs while I am dreaming and it is rather painful when it happens. I happened to have had a vision of that particular meeting. Now he is trying to control me through my dreams. That's why I have to take occlumency lessons with Snape," said Harry.
"I knew you two were somehow connected, but I didn't realize that it was this awful. I am so sorry Harry," Draco said reaching out to him.
"It's alright. Its just one more thing I have to overcome in my life."
"Well, I will do everything in my power to protect you from the Dark Lord. I am devoted to the good side now. You know that right?"
"Yeah. I am just glad that you finally realized what a jerk you were," said Harry smiling. He tried to lighten up the mood up a bit. This was getting really depressing.
"Yeah, yeah… It's weird that I didn't learn what a real family was like until I came here to the Burrow. I mean, I used to literally hate this family and now I find myself hoping that I can have a family like theirs someday. Isn't that twisted?'
Harry laughed at him. It must have been really hard for him to adjust to this noisy bunch of redheads. They always mean well, but they can be a little overwhelming at times.
"What about your home life Harry? Did you ever have a happy moment?" Draco asked trying to be serious again.
"…" Why is he asking me this? I don't want anyone to know what used to happen to me.
"Harry?"
"No," he said softly. I don't have a single happy memory from that house.
"I am really sorry to hear that, but at least you were able to get yourself away from that hell hole. Severus finally made me see that it took a lot of courage for me to walk away from my family. You had to the same and you should be proud of yourself. You are very brave Harry. Never forget that,"
Harry shrugged. He didn't feel very brave when he left the Dursleys. He was terrified of what would happen if he didn't leave. It was only by mere chance that his uncle forgot to lock the cupboard in his drunken stupor.
"I think I know something to make you feel better," said Draco.
"What?"
"Your pal Remus Lupin went over the Dursleys when he found out that you weren't going to press charges."
"Really? Oh gods, what did he do?" Harry felt himself begin to panic slightly.
"He made your Uncle Vernon pay dearly for what he did to you. He used a spell that forces the victim to feel everything he has ever inflicted upon another person. It supposed to be pretty awful. I don't think he will forget that experience any time soon. It's just a shame that Remus didn't kill the bastard!"
"But wizards are not allowed to hex muggles! Remus can get in a lot of trouble," said Harry, worried about his friend.
"Well, he did get in trouble. The ministry put him under probation. It's basically just a slap on the wrist though. It isn't too serious really. Nothing to worry about."
"Oh, okay." There were a few moments of silence as Harry let that new piece of information process in his brain. Instead of feeling relieved that his uncle was hexed, he only felt scared. What if he was forced to go back to Privet Drive and Vernon punishes him for what Remus did? He shuddered at thought, and was snapped back into reality when Draco asked him something.
"Harry, can I ask you a question?"
"What?" Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know what Draco was going to say next.
"Do you like me?"
"Yeah, why?" Harry laughed feeling a bit thankful it wasn't anything that was going to probe into his past.
"Because I really like you too, and I want to be in a relationship with you. What do you think?" Draco asked quickly. He looked over at Harry expectantly.
"I think that I would like that very much," Harry said smiling. Wow, he couldn't believe that Draco really wanted to be with him. It was too good to be true. He had been thinking about the blond haired beauty every since he came to the Burrow. He was pleased to discover that Draco like him as well. Harry felt an overwhelming attraction to him, especially after their encounter in the woods. It was if his heart ached to be near him.
"Really?" Draco said grinning.
"Yeah," said Harry still smiling.
Draco leaned forward and gave Harry a small kiss on the cheek. "You have just made me a very happy boy."
"Draco, have you always liked boys?" he asked.
"No, not really. At least I don't think I did. I usually thought about girls, but I never really pursued anyone in particular. I have just always felt drawn to you. What about you? Have you always liked boys? Wait….stupid question… you dated Cho Chang."
"Well, if you can remember, that relationship ended horribly. I guess I have always been drawn to both sexes," said Harry. "I have never told anyone that before. I wonder what Hermione and Ron would say."
"I suspect they already know."
"What!" Harry exclaimed.
"Ron caught us kissing in the woods. He was the one that made all that racket running back to the house. He confronted me later on to make sure that my intentions were…how did he say it …honorable," he said laughing.
"How did he respond?" asked Harry. He wasn't sure that Ron would be open to the fact that his best friend was gay. Sure, the twins were known to goof around with boys, but Ron had never said anything about it one way or another.
"He was pretty open to us being in relationship. I will bet you that he has already told Hermione too. He is hung up on her really bad."
"Oh, that's a relief. Are they going out?" he asked.
"I am not sure, maybe?"
"Draco, what is going to happen to us when we return to Hogwarts?" Harry had been thinking about it ever since he realized that he found Draco attractive. Would they be able to have an open relationship?
"I have been thinking about that myself ever since I was confronted by Pansy in Diagon Alley. The slytherins are going to be really cruel to me when they find out that I have betrayed the Dark Lord. Only a few of them have death eater parents, but it's enough to make my life hell. It will only be worse when they discover that I am not only going out with a Gryffindor, but it is also the Boy-Who-Lived."
"Then let's keep us a secret for the time being. I am sure that we can find places that we can meet to be alone." Harry was thinking about how useful that room of requirement was going to be.
"Alright, it sounds like a good idea. " Draco said looking relieved. He looked around the room and spotted Sirius's journal lying beside Harry on the floor.
"Is this the journal that Remus gave you?" Draco asked, picking up the leather journal.
"Yes," said Harry slightly irritated that Draco was touching something that was so precious to him. At least he wasn't opening it up to read it.
"It must be nice to be able to read about when Sirius was in school with your parents. You must really miss him," the blond said sincerely looking into his emerald green eyes.
You have no idea how much I miss him! The closest thing I have ever had to a father was killed because of me. It's all my fault he died. If I had only listened to Hermione. If I had only learned how to do occlumency properly, then maybe he would still be here. I hate myself for what I have done. Everyone gets hurt because of me. If I could only get to my knife…everything would be better….I won't hurt so much inside…
"I do," Harry said softly. Harry began to fidget, and finally couldn't take it any longer. "Listen, sorry, but I need to get out of here for a bit." Harry knew that he was visibly shaking. All he could think about was how he had gotten everyone he had ever loved hurt in some way. He just hoped that Draco wouldn't begin asking anymore questions and keep him from leaving. He stood up to leave the room.
"I didn't mean to upset you. What's wrong Harry?" Draco demanded, standing up beside him.
"Nothing, I just need to go…" Draco grabbed his arm forcefully preventing him from leaving the room. Why is he doing this?
"You are going to go cut yourself aren't you?" he demanded. His blue-grey eyes were bright with anger.
"…" How did he know?
"Harry?"
"Please Draco, you don't understand…I need to…" Harry began to cry. He hated that he was crying again, and he hated for feeling so weak. Was there no end to these tears? Will this pain ever end? How was he going to explain that he had broken his promise to Draco?
"Harry, I told you to come to me when you are feeling this way. I am not going to let you hurt yourself."
Harry found himself enveloped in the taller boys arms, with his head pressed tightly against his chest. He noticed that Draco smelled like the rain, soft and calming. At first, he felt the need to push him away. He didn't like to be touched. But after awhile he began to relax within the warm embrace and found it comforting. The walls that he had carefully constructed to protect himself were starting to come crumbling down. Why does Draco always affect him like this?
"I am so sorry Draco," he mumbled into his chest.
"For what, Harry?"
"For not being stronger…for not coming to you sooner…"
Draco pulled him back slightly to look at him properly. "What are you taking about? Did you…"
Harry sighed and pushed up the sleeves of his shirt revealing both his forearms. Angry gashes were slit across both arms. As before, the cuts were fairly shallow and were already beginning to heal. "I am so sorry, but I couldn't help it. I had to…"
"How many times have you done this since we talked?" Draco asked. His face was full of concern. Harry couldn't tell if he was angry with him or not.
"Just once, after I had a really bad nightmare," Harry confessed.
"Why are you telling me now?"
"Because I made you a promise that I broke… I don't want to hide anymore…. and because I am afraid of what might happen if I can't stop…" Harry started crying again. Deep down, he had wanted to end it all so many times. The only thing that prevented him from committing suicide was the thought that Voldemort could possibly regain power completely with him out of the way and thereby hurt his friends with his evil plans. Harry had memorized the prophecy surrounding them to the point that the words echoed in his dreams. He also did not want his friends to suffer from grief over someone as pathetic as him. He wasn't going to allow anyone else to be hurt because of him. Too many had died already.
"Oh, Harry...come here…" Draco said pulling the small boy back into a tight embrace. "I told you that I would help you and I will. You just have to let me."
"I just miss Sirius so much, Draco…I wish I could talk to him…." Harry mumbled through his tears.
"Shh….I know it hurts….."
Harry felt himself be picked up and placed on Draco's lap as he sat down on the bed. It was an odd sensation having someone's arms around him like that. Harry had no memory of ever being held in this way. It felt amazingly comforting and somewhat arousing. Draco rocked Harry gently while placing small kisses on his forehead. "I am going to protect you always and forever, Harry. I love you."
Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. No one had ever said those words to him before and he certainly never expected that Draco Malfoy would be the one to say that he loved him. He was so afraid to trust anyone, let alone his former enemy. But this felt so right.
Harry looked up into Draco's startling eyes and pressed his lips against the blonde's soft pink lips. He closed his eyes and let himself explore the other boy's mouth with his tongue. This was wonderful! Harry could feel his entire body tingle with excitement. His heart swelled with this new emotion. He was warm and happy all over. Was this how love felt?
Soon he found himself lying beside Draco on the bed. He wasn't even sure how they came to be in that position. The two young boys had begun to explore each other's bodies over their clothing with their hands, softly rubbing and caressing every possible place they could reach. They were both getting really aroused. Draco had moved down to Harry's neck, and again whispered "I love you, Harry."
For the first time in a long time, Harry wasn't afraid at being touched. Would he finally be able to heal? Harry knew now that he loved Draco in return, but he was having difficulty saying those three little words back. It was as if saying it aloud would somehow leave him more vulnerable than before. What if Draco changed his mind? What if he fell in love with someone else? What then?
Before Harry knew what he was doing, he pressed his body into Draco's and whispered "I love you, too."
Draco moaned appreciatively and moved back to Harry's mouth. His hands began to slowly make their way down Harry's stomach. Harry stiffened slightly, feeling himself beginning to panic with old memories. As hard as he tried, he could not will away those awful memories. Then he heard it…zip…Draco had unzipped Harry's pants, and was lovingly tracing the line of his underwear with his finger. Harry knew that he shouldn't be scared because this is what he wanted to do with Draco. He had thought about this moment probably a hundred times. But it felt so right and so wrong at the same time. No...no…please don't hurt me.
Draco hadn't noticed that Harry was no longer responding to his advances. He was enjoying himself too much. He slipped his hand under Harry's underwear and gently grabbed his member, "MMmmm…" he moaned into his mouth as he continued to kiss him. Horrifying memories shot through Harry's head.
Please Uncle Vernon…I will be good…please don't…
Harry couldn't take it any longer and began to get hysterical. His chest heaving Harry shoved Draco away, who gave him a shocked and confused look. "I am sorry, I just can't!" Harry yelled.
"Harry, what's wrong? You're trembling, did I hurt you? I am sorry if I moved to fast," Draco pleaded.
Harry scooted off the bed and fixed his clothing. Tears streamed down his face as he looked to see the hurt expression on Draco's face. "Please…just leave me alone…" He began to back away towards the door. Draco would hate him if he knew. He would never want to touch him again.
"Harry what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry…" Harry ran out of the room and hurried downstairs. He had to get out of there fast. He stopped momentarily in the kitchen before he dashed outside and past the Quidditch players. Harry hurdled himself through the trees, tears streaming down his face.
I am such a freak…how can Draco possibly love me…he doesn't even know how dirty I am…if he knew he wouldn't want me…I need my knife….
A/N: Hey a cliffie! I found this chapter really hard to write. I have been so absorbed in Ron and Draco's perspectives that it was hard to switch gears. It was a lot of fun though despite the struggle. Harry is a very complex character, and I feel that authors sometimes stereotype him into one personality or another. (i.e. really strong or completely weak). I tried my best to make my Harry a mixture of both. I tried to make his character strong. He did in fact save himself from the Dursleys, but I want him to still be vulnerable for the purposes of this fic. You will see why. I hope that I was successful. I plan to do probably one other Harry POV towards the end of the story. It is definitely going to be interesting to see how this story unfolds. Happy reading!!