Chapter Nine - Not Afraid Anymore
"Good morning, everyone." Saradoc took his seat at the head of the dining table. He, like everyone at the table was quite solemn after the news of Salvia Goldworthy. The servants brought out breakfast to the dining hall and began serving the family members and guests. "How are you feeling this morning, Master Peregrin?"
"Much better, Uncle, thank you. Merry, Frodo, and Merimas put me in a cold bath last night, and--" He stopped when he felt his mother nudge him under the table. "But they did, mother! And it was cold!"
"Ever since your fever broke this morning you've been chattering up a storm!" Said Eglantine. "You need to give your attention to your plate there in front of you."
Saradoc glanced around the table, thinking perhaps his son decided to sit elsewhere this morning, but he couldn't see him anywhere. "Has anyone seen Merry?" He saw just about everyone shake their heads, or heard them answer "no."
"I did early this morning." Pippin said, chewing on his biscuit. "He seemed a bit out of sorts."
"Thank you, Peregrin." Saradoc took his napkin, wiped his mouth and got up saying to his wife, Esmeralda, "I think I know where to look for him."
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Merry heard the lock turning and then watched as the door creaked open. He quickly wiped his eyes and face with his shirttail and then stood to his feet. Merry observed the silhouette of his father slowly making his way into the bedroom of his very own quarters.
"I thought I might find you here." Said Saradoc, now fully visible in the dim candlelight. He held out his hand and lifted Merry's chin. "You've been weeping."
Merry's gaze dropped. "I...I wanted to be alone."
"Merry...everyone in the Hall is saddened by Salvia's death. Why are you more so?"
Merry shrugged. "I should have been there."
This remark took Saradoc by surprise. "Been there? Why? The child's illness was a private affair with her family. She was already surrounded by her loved ones." He put his hand on his son's shoulder. "What more could you have done?"
Merry paused before he spoke. "When I heard that she died, all I could think of was Pippin. What if he died, too? I became frightened at the possibility." Then Merry went into his activities and failures of the previous day. "It would be all my fault, Dad. And...I would never be able to forgive myself if that happened." Merry wiped his face as tears streaked down his cheeks.
Saradoc sat down on his son's bed and motioned for Merry to sit down as well. "Your Auntie and Peregrin were your responsibility yesterday, yes. Would it be your fault if Peregrin perished in his illness? No." He looked at Merry, "Did you fail in your duties?" He made a face and shrugged. "That remains to be seen. Are you a failure?" Saradoc looked into his son's eyes and answered, "Absolutely not." He reached out and took Merry in his arms. After a few minutes of holding his son he continued, "Merry, you are a young hobbit lad right now. The duties I give you are only preparations for greater responsibility as you grow older...when I see you're able to accept them." He loosed Merry and smiled grimly, "You're not like the other lads here in the Hall; you are destined for greater things, Merry, and more will be demanded of you." He wiped away a tear on his son's cheek. "You have already made me proud. You put aside your own desires and sat up all night with your cousin and watched over him. That is a clear indicator of your maturing." He reached in his vest pocket for his handkerchief and gave it to Merry.
After cleaning his face, Merry leaned into his father's arms and allowed him to hold him again. "That's when I finally understood, Dad. All those times Pippin was terribly sick in bed...I always thought somehow that he would get well and then we'd be back to running about Tuckborough or Hobbiton--and he always did, even though it sometimes took a while. But the truth came to me very hard this morning. There were many times he was capable of dying just as little Salvia died in her illness....and Salvia was only four years old." Merry's eyes welled up again. "I'm selfish, Dad; I don't ever want Pippin to die. If he did, then I would, too. He's my best friend."
"I hope that never happens, either--for you or him. And I believe Peregrin won't die as long as he has a friend such as you watching over him." Saradoc held Merry as he thought of his own private hell. After a silent minute he continued, "Your own brother was much younger than Salvia. Death knows no age, gender, or kind. I learned that the hard way." He grew solemn as old memories resurfaced. "The worst thing about losing a child is that some folks, though well meaning, think you can just have another, and then the dead child's memory will fade with time and with a new child."
"Did that happen to you? Do you remember him?"
"I remember him as clear as if he were living this morning." Saradoc answered sadly. "I think that's what drove me to the brink. I was frightened that no one would remember him, and I was determined to."
"I thought you said you were afraid to love me?"
"That is true, too. Fear of loving and fear of not remembering was driving me mad."
Merry let go of his dad to clean his face again. "I don't think you're frightened of loving me anymore, are you?"
Once again, Saradoc was besieged with memories; but these memories were full of regrets in not being a father to his son during his early years. He gazed into his son's deep blue eyes, "No. I'm not afraid anymore. In fact, I can't imagine my life without you, Merry; I love you more than my own life."
Merry leaned upon his father's shoulder, and Saradoc took him into his arms. "Dad?"
"Hmm?"
"Tell me about my brother."
~The End~