Soliloquy for Two: Last Rites
By Fool's Gold
Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion and all associated characters are the property of Studio Gainax. Dante is dead, and probably won't mind my passing reference, but Gaiman belongs to himself, assuming he didn't get killed by Second Impact. I don't own anything relevant to the fic except the fic itself, and even that is open to debate. So don't sue me.
The city is desolate.
Fire from heaven has scorched the earth; the hand of Man has undone his own work.
The headquarters of NERV is a sea of blood and Bakelite, the last stand of women and children against men with the hearts of beasts and the souls of demons. They would betray their own humanity to gain that which they seek.
A red giant lies impaled in the plains, torn to pieces by its own kind. No mercy is offered to those who would betray the vision, only Death.
And a girl dies with a curse on her lips...
"Did you see me, Mama? I finally did it. For a while, I was the best pilot again, the best in the whole world. I got what I wanted: synch ratios, self-worth, and a reason to keep on fighting."
"And I had you back, Mama. I missed you so much. Aren't you proud of me now, of what I've become? Mother and daughter against the world, our lives on the line, and we defeated them all."
"And we almost won, too."
"I even got the kind of death I wanted, Mama. I didn't want anyone to remember me as a broken toy, cast away at the bottom of the pile. And now, they'll remember that I went out the way I came in: the Asuka that I was before, the strong, talented beauty that everyone admired and adored."
"So why do I feel so empty inside?"
"You feel betrayed."
The words echo through my head, and I am brought back to this twisted… I don't know what to call it. I've read everything from the Bible to Dante to Gaiman, and I've developed some pretty fixed ideas on what Hell is like. I guess I was wrong.
Hell, it seems, is a train ride to nowhere.
I stare at my surroundings blankly, shaking the red mists of rage and despair from my skull and trying to make sense of my current situation. It's an unfamiliar place, this cabin, and so different from the warm fluids of the entry plug that I was dying in not too long ago.
But one thing remains the same. Everything is tinted red, from the worn seats, to the cobweb-lined walls of the cabin, to the schedule that the train will never follow. The sunlight that streams through the window falls across the face of the other occupant in the carriage, illuminating her face in shades of scarlet.
I am staring at myself.
I recoil with horror as I see the true source of the colour on her face. It is not sunlight that makes her face seem red, but blood, running thickly from her eye and down her face, the colour blending perversely with her hair and plugsuit. We sit facing each other, my face a mask of horror, hers a blank expression that would put even Wondergirl to shame.
What is this?
"I am Asuka Langley Souryu."
...NO!
I will myself into suppressing the terror running through my veins, and manage to whisper a faint denial.
"This... cannot be."
"But it is. The self has always been composed of two selves: the one that observes, and the one that is observed. There is the Asuka in your own mind, just as there is an Asuka in the mind of each person who has met you. All of them are real."
"The only Asuka that you care about is the one in your mind. You have shut out all the Asukas that exist in the minds of others, because you fear them. You refuse to let anyone see you as weak, because you fear that they will use it against you, to hurt you and reduce you to nothing."
"And you feel empty because you think everyone has betrayed you."
"Ridiculous."
She has a point there.
Yes, that was the story of my brief life, wasn't it? I decided to shut everyone away from me so I wouldn't get hurt. I created an aura of invincibility around myself, transformed myself into a 'goddess' who didn't need anyone's pity or help. I shunned the warmth of human companionship, though I yearned for it in my deepest thoughts, though my heart broke daily under the pain of solitude.
So the day came when I could no longer keep up the charade. I reached my breaking point, the stage where I no longer cared about what happened to me. All I wanted was some sympathy. And when I did, the others responded just the way I expected.
They turned away. Misato betrayed me. Kaji betrayed me. Shinji betrayed me. The people I was closest to were the ones who plunged their knives into me every time I showed a chink in my armour. So I pushed them further and further away, until they couldn't hurt me anymore.
And on cue, my doppelganger speaks.
"But they couldn't help you either, could they?"
No! I didn't need anyone's help! I've struggled so long to be independent, to rely on nobody except for myself. I don't need other people to survive.
"So why did you complain when they didn't come for you?"
"It doesn't matter. I needed help, and they weren't there."
I raise my head, and the other girl stares at me with her good eye through a mask of blood. She opens her stained mouth, her voice a hollow parody of my own mocking tone.
"Are you still making excuses? Watch, listen, and know the truth."
A girl runs towards her lover, catching him by the arm in an affectionate embrace, only to find her guardian's perfume on his clothes. She shrinks back, repulsed by the fragrance of lavender, the very scent that she had coveted. Now, it only reeks of failure, of the forbidden romances of adults that she is not allowed to partake of.
There are three things that she will never admit. She will never allow her lover to be lost to another woman. She will never admit that she is but a child.
And she will never accept that in her heart, there is jealousy, bitterness, and confusion, but no love.
"Kaji betrayed me. He left me for Misato."
How could he fall in love with Misato when I was in love with him? Didn't he know how badly I wanted him? How could he leave me in the lurch like that?
"You weren't really in love with him."
My tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth with shock. Desperately, I force my counter out through trembling lips.
"How can you say that? When I was around him, I felt so... so..."
"Mature?"
"You wanted a man who could see you for what you were – or what you thought you were. All you cared about was how he made you feel like you were an adult, even though you were just a child."
"You lie."
And yet I know that I'm the liar here. I was trying to escape the bad memories of childhood, fooling myself and everyone else into treating me like a woman, not a girl. I wanted to grow up so badly, to leave the past behind like all my nightmares. But Kaji saw me for what I really was: a young, frightened child. And I resented his opinion of me, even though I couldn't hate him for it. So I turned on the one who had taken him away from me.
Misato.
The girl hides in the bathroom, away from the world.
She is alive, but just barely. Her eyes stare blankly heavenward, lifeless and frigid pools of blue that reflect the cerulean sky. There is no longer any reason to live, she reasons. She is but a useless doll, to be thrown away when the new, improved model is delivered. They should just let her die.
Yet, a part of her still hurts, still hopes beyond hope that someone is looking out for her, that someone still cares for her and sees her worth. And so, she waits for her guardian, the one who should be looking for her.
For seven days she has waited. And neither Death nor her guardian has come.
"Misato betrayed me. She left me to rot in that bathtub for seven days when I went missing. She's my guardian, for goodness' sake! She should have been looking for me! Instead, she left me to die..."
It's become a duel of wills now. Attack, counterattack, thrust and parry. My words fly in a flurry of desperation, as though they could deflect the harsh blows of the truth.
Wishful thinking.
"You wanted to die, didn't you? Would you have been grateful if she had rescued you?"
Yes. No. I don't know anymore. It all doesn't matter.
I thought I could have trusted her. Yet, when I needed a mother most, she dumped me. She neglected me, all for the love of a man.
Just like all the other 'mothers' in my life.
"You're only fooling yourself again. You never did treat her as a mother."
The words slam into my psyche with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, almost as forcefully as my own words to Misato.
A girl points an accusing finger at her guardian, accusing her of irresponsibility.
"I've never been around anyone who's been in such an indecent relationship. And you're supposed to be our guardian! What a hypocrite."
The older woman shrinks back slightly into her seat, stunned by the force of Asuka's words.
"How disgusting."
The girl turns away, but the disdain in her voice lingers in her guardian's ears far longer than intended.
I was just trying to get back at Misato for stealing Kaji from me, wasn't I?
I should have moved out on my own after the fight with the twin Angels. I didn't need to stay any longer. I was supposed to be an independent woman, perfectly capable of looking after myself. I didn't need anyone to look after me.
And yet, I remained. Because for the first time ever since Mama died, I felt like I had come home.
She knew all about my past. How Mama died, how I lived with a family that never loved me, living in a home that I never belonged to. She knew everything. And she still took me in, despite all our faults – both hers and mine – because she cared. But I never reciprocated, showering her with abuse and bitterness instead of the care and concern that she deserved. On hindsight, I was the one who was betraying her trust.
But trust was a word alien to me then. I couldn't let my guard down, not in front of her. Not in front of anyone, not even...
"...Shinji?"
I jerk my head upwards at the sound of that name. The one person I had never wanted to bring up, the sole cause of my current situation.
The light burns.
All her darkest thoughts, the memories that lie hidden beneath her façade of invincibility, the fears that she won't let anyone know... all these are exposed beneath the angel's searing light.
And the girl screams at having let a stranger – a monster! – intrude into her most private of places, the sacred grounds of her mind which no one should invade. Her cries of despair and terror echo through the halls of NERV HQ, yet even in her weakest moment, her pride prevents her from asking anyone, save her beloved Kaji, for help.
She is saved by the one she most despises, a soulless doll, while her closest companion did nothing to help her. And she feels betrayed.
"Stupid Shinji."
"Why for her?"
The girl sits huddled in the entry plug, completely helpless, her tears mixing with the LCL while the boy fights vainly for the life of another. She wonders, amidst her frustration and agony, why the boy would choose to save the other and not her.
And she realises, once again, that the girl has been replaced by the doll.
"Am I so worthless to you? You didn't do this for me..."
And her despair is final.
"Stupid Shinji."
A woman's voice crackles across the commlink of the Eva. She speaks with an air of confidence, yet there is no hiding the tone of desperation in her words.
"Listen, Asuka. The Eva series must be destroyed. Shinji will be there to assist you soon."
"Do your best."
The line goes dead, and the girl battles like a demon, hoping to buy herself enough time for reinforcements. It almost works.
But Shinji never comes.
"Stupid Shinji."
I have given up fighting against the images long ago. They pass, and I find myself on my knees, my face pressing against the cold, hard floor of the cabin, warm liquid flowing from my eyes and forming a red pool on the floor. It is not blood; just tears stained red by the light in the windows. And somehow, it would have hurt less if it had been blood that flowed from my eyes.
The other one gloats over my demise, her face as cold as ever. And even as I stare, her eyebrows rise slightly, the corners of her mouth twitch a little, and the blank, expressionless face is transformed into a mask of... pity?
No. I don't need anyone's pity, least of all from this impostor. I struggle to my feet, through the tears and the loathing, and stand erect before her. I cannot let myself be beaten by this shadow.
And her voice echoes through the walls of the chamber and through my head once again.
"Why are you so afraid of another's pity? Are you afraid of seeming weak?"
Yes.
"And you hated Shinji for it, didn't you? You hated the way he made you feel weak, as though you were nothing but a mere child. The way he kept saving you over and over again, as if you were incapable of even defending yourself."
"He exposed all your vulnerabilities and fears, didn't he? He revealed your fear of loss, the pain of being rejected, the solitude, and the need to be loved. You saw all those things in him, and so you constantly pushed him away. You despised him, mocked him, hounded him and teased him. But you never could accept him…"
"...because you were looking in a mirror."
In a desperate rage, I hurl myself at the figure, willing her to be silent. Anything to make her shut up, to make the hurting stop. It is futile. The girl vanishes, and I land face-first on the seats on the other side. I turn around, slumped into a heap at the base of the chairs, and in her place now stands the current object of my hatred.
He looks almost pathetic now, with his pale face and those brown eyes, permanently locked into a sad, distant gaze. This is the boy who has tormented my mind ever since I met him, the one constant reminder of my true state of weakness. I should hate him, for all that he's done to me.
After all, I loathe myself.
His voice is as I remember it, during those times when I actually bothered to listen to him: soft, pleading, and with more than a trace of melancholy hidden in its nuances. But I also sense a tinge of bitterness, sarcasm, and mocking within it, all echoes from my twisted mind.
"Isn't it ironic, that two people living in the same house can be so distant? Not that I didn't try to get to know you better. I tried to be nice to you, even though you continued to treat me like dirt, because I saw through the pain and the lies. I knew you were like me. We could have helped each other. But we didn't."
As I hazily struggle to my feet, he gestures towards the window, and motions for me to look out. I hunch over the one clean spot on the pane, trying to gaze outside, and suddenly I feel his arm around my shoulders in a soft embrace. And for once, I don't hit him or scream at him.
Is this what I was looking for all along? A simple touch, a sign to let me know that someone cared?
But the moment passes, and I gaze in horror at the sight before me.
The city is desolate.
Fire from heaven has scorched the earth; the hand of Man has undone his own work.
The headquarters of NERV is a sea of blood and Bakelite, the last stand of women and children against men with the hearts of beasts and the souls of demons. They would betray their own humanity to gain that which they seek.
A red giant lies impaled in the plains, torn to pieces by its own kind. No mercy is offered to those who would betray the vision, only Death.
And a girl dies with a curse on her lips...
I shrink back from the terrible sight, and the arm that embraces me is no longer Shinji's, but the mangled arm of my double.
"That's how you wanted it, didn't you? You always wanted the glory of a solo kill. You resented the way that the angels always made you the weakest link, always the one who needed help."
"You got what you wished for, didn't you? Nine kills. More solo kills than Shinji ever got against the angels. I hope you're happy now."
She vanishes, and I am left to my own regrets.
"Everyone's betrayed me, Mama. Misato's left me, Kaji's left me, Shinji's left me. All I have left is you."
"You said you wouldn't let me die. Are you going to betray me too?"
And there is nothing left. The train, the apparitions, the pain and the visions, all are gone, and there is only a bright, blazing light before me. And I hear Mama's sweet voice calling me out, to a place where no-one can betray me...
...and where I can betray no-one.
Author's notes:
This fic works on the premise of Asuka getting a ride on the great train ride of introspection that people get when they're on the edge of dying. (Consider Shinji, Touji, etc.) Lines have been plagiarised from various points in the NGE script and taken out of context. Just think of it as an unoriginal attempt at cross-referencing.
Feedback is welcome, flames are not.
And now, one last rip-off of the lines:
Thank you to Clear Shot, my beta-reader, for noting all the errors in the fic, especially the characterisation, and for being supportive of my maiden attempt.
Goodbye to my other beta-reader (names withheld to protect the innocent)... Sorry for being so impatient.
And to all the readers... Congratulations! (That's for having endured this drivel.)