Increscunt Animi by Proxii Bleu
IV
Simon felt sick.
Only forty-five minutes ago his day had been going fine. Then River got sick, he'd punched out Mal, and came to the realization that it was quite possible that everything in his life had been nothing more than a prelude to his current failure. If anything, Tam felt more like dying than anything else. Shifting slightly, he groaned as Jayne gingerly rolled him onto his back.
The doctor had been moved to Inara's shutttle, his sister in Mal's room resting while the Companion tried to help him pull himself together enough to help his sibling. Jayne on the other hand had merely tagged along as Zoe and Book half-carried, half-dragged the physician to Inara's chamber. The mercenary looked at Simon's black eye, and the dried blood surrounding his nose. Carefully he pressed his fingers along it's length.
"We'll it ain't broken, but you're gonna look real bad for about a week."
"How can you tell it's not broken?" Mumbled Simon, Jayne smirked.
"'Cause I've broken enough of 'em to know." Cobb looked over at the door as Inara returned from the shuttle's kitchen carrying a cloth with some ice wrapped up in it. Pressing it against the doctor's face, she looked at Jayne pointedly until he left. Alone, she minstered to Simon's wounds as she tried to think of something to say. However, Tam was a bit of a complicated person, he wasn't as easily placated as some of her clients seeing as how he was both humble, and without ego. If anything Simon Tam was one of the most reserved men she had ever met, which was probably why he had literally exploded when he finally reached his breaking point. Whatever his childhood had been, it most likely hadn't been conducive to emotional expression. That much was obvious given River's 'rebellious' nature, and tendency to act outside of what would have been expected of her had the Alliance not used her for a guinea pig.
"You're staring." Inara looked down at Simon, her slim hands carefully wiping the blood off of his face.
"Actually, I was thinking."
"About what?"
"You, of course." Simon's mouth turned down at the corners. The last thing he wanted right now was some sort of pep talk. Inara noticed the look, but merely smiled. She had his attention, that was good. When a man suspected an offense, it usually revealed hs defense. This was an advantage.
"I was thinking that you do not give yourself the credit that you deserve," said Inara softly. "One might say that you accept failure only because you fear success." Simon scoffed.
"This isn't success Inara, I'm living out in the middle of nowhere with barbarians because of the fact that I wasn't able to-" Tam broke off, his face turning to the far wall.
"Protect River? Fulfill all of the dreams and desires of your family? From experience I can tell you that living such a life, is like accepting a world of beautiful lies. Eventually the ugly truth will come out."
"My sister is a crazy, mind-reading genius. My father purposely sent her to the Academy, my mother is in a borderline catatonic state, and I have nothing to show for everything I've ever worked for. How's that for the ugly truth?"
"I'd say it's quite hideous." Remarked Inara as she went into the bathroom to rinse out the cloth. "Something that would cause even the most civilized of men to act like a perfect barbarian."
"I'm sorry," mumbled Simon. "Mal pushed me."
"Its what he does." said Inara as she returned with the cloth freshly chilled with cold water. "All he was trying to do Simon was make you see River for the gift that she is. Do you really think that she is a freak of nature? Honestly?"
"No."
"Are you ashamed of her?"
"No."
"Then what is bothering you? You're ashamed of something, otherwise you wouldn't have said the things you did in the kitchen." Simon smiled humorlessly. How could he say this?
"Inara there were certain things expected of me at home, and now...I don't know. I don't fit in out here, I don't know how to be, or really who I am anymore. Haven't you ever felt lost?" Inara smiled, her eyes drifting over towards a locked box that was sitting on her vanity. Yes, she had felt that was once, espcially when she was forced to exist with HIM, and live her life in a prison that was both figurative and physical. She could still see the bars on the window, hear the door creak open...
"Perchance, but that is something that is no longer part of me. I learned to adapt Simon, I learned how to fit into places that were abosolutely alien to my being, and most of all I learned who I was not what others told me to be. Only you can do that Simon, but the question is...can you?"
***
"Poor kid." said Zoe as she sorted through her mail, putting the bills in one pile, and personal correspondence in another. She was sitting in the freshly cleaned mess with Mal and Wash who was playing with his dinosaurs and Hairball. The pilot looked up from his toys, and over at his wife.
"Which one?"
"Simon. I never thought he was the type to crack up, but I guess I was wrong." Mal who was reading one of his latest death threats, just shook his head as he tossed it into the trash.
"You never know the make of a man until he loses his mind Zoe, if anything the war taught me that." Mal sighed as Hairball hopped onto his leg that was perched on the table, and used it as a ladder to crawl down into a position where he could easily get to the floor.
"That kitten is going."
"Yes sir." said Zoe as she frowned at one of her messages. Wash noticed the look on her face, and peered over her shoulder. A big grin lit up his face as a loud "YEEESSSSSSS!" tore it's way out of his throat. Mal looked at his fort officer for an explanation. The flexi slid down the table to where he sat, on it was a fuzzy black and white picture of something.
"Zoe what is this?"
"Simon sent in the films of my sonogram to be developed seince he doesn't have the equipment here, and now I just got my first look at my baby." Mal looked at the blurry image, and arched his eyebrows.
"Why does it have a tail?" he asked midly. Zoe glared at her captain, and snatched the flexi from him.
"Those are legs sir!" Wash grabbed the flexi from his wife, and peered at it.
"Oh, I thought it was a boy." Then the expression on his face changed as he looked at the two black lumps attacked to the rest of the shadow on the film. Planting a kiss on Zoe's face he dashed out into the corridor brandishing the flexi.
"HEY! GUESS WHAT? MY BABY HAS LEGS! TWO OF THEM! WE"VE GOT LEGS!" From the end of the hall, Kaylee's voice drifted up from the stairs leading to one of the lower decks.
"Really? Does Zoe know what it is yet?"
"How about humped?" Shouted Jayne, the remark followed by a short guffaw of laughter. Wash, on the other hand wasn't about to take the insult passively.
"Sorry, Jayne that only applies to your mother." The pilot turned into a streak as he dashed past Mal and Zoe, the mercenray hot on his heels. Sighing, Zoe got up to rescue her husband from Jayne before he got his hands on him.
"Zoe," said Mal as she walked out into the hall. "Why did you marry that man?"
"Because he makes me laugh sir, and I love him."
Mal watched her go, his only company now was Hairball who had made his way back to the table, and was sleeping on the captain's leg. Carefully he picked the puss up off of his resting place, and gingerly carreid him in his hands. He didn't know where Simon had found the creature, normally they were bigger, and expensive to boot since a good kitten cost at least fifteen credits. But, given Hairball's small size he was most likely the runt of the litter. Also, not many people would want to buy a cat with one green eye, and one almost white eye.
Stepping into his quarters, Mal looked down at River who was asleep in his bed. She still had a fever, that much was obvious given the fine sheen of sweat covering her face, but there was a odd peace about the girl. Something that wasn't normally there since her eyes were always haunted, and she was prone to acting crazy. Just last week she had taken a case of Jayne's bullets, and lined them up into a dizzying pattern on the cargo bay floor. No explanation why, just a myriad of black tips formed into something that looked like a spiral galaxy.
On the other hand, she hadn't rubbed soup in her hair again. That was something she seemed to reserve for whenever there was too much tension amongst the crew, and Mal was not stupid enough to believe that it was a coincidence. Covering herself with food was probably her way of distracting them long enough from their problems, to make them think of something humorous.
Putting Hairball on the bed, Mal watched as River slowly opened her eyes, and smiled down at her pet. The kitten tumbled over to her nearby hand, it's tiny paws batting at her fingers playfully.
"How ya feelin'?" asked Mal as he sat down. River smiled sourly, as she scrached Hairball behind his ears.
"Like I've been trampled on by elephants."
"That bad?"
"Simon feels worse." Mal paused, his eyes finding River's as she lay there quietly. As far as he knew she was asleep, and given her current state it didn't seem likely that she would be able to get up, unless...No, that was something that Mal didn't even want to think about. Wisely, he changed the subject.
"What's bothering him?"
"Voices that no longer speak, no longer matter, but still echo in his mind."
"River, you know as well as I do that you're capable of making sense. Can we try crazy-talk light please?"
"He can't stop living his life for others. Better?"
"Makes sense at least. Why can't he stop living for others? It's not hard."
"The two having this conversation know that, but Simon doesn't understand or comprehend how. Older brothers are so troublesome." River set Hairball down on the floor, and the froze. Her body pitching forward slightly as her senses picked up on something that came tearaing through them like a freight train jumping track.
"River? RIVER!" The girl shook in Mal's grasp, her eyes seeing something that he couldn't.
"Feral wolves with claws of blood, and teeth of bone. They speak to me in hollow voices...eyes searching for a firefly." River panicked, it had been a long time since she had felt Reavers, but unlike last time she could now focus. Searching for someone, anyone who could take them in the other direction she saw the key to the crew's safety.
Wash.
Briefly she snapped out of her trance, and looked at Mal. Smiling eerily, she stroked his face, and told him something that hopefully he would interpret as important, and not the result of brain-damage.
"Remember the vulture came in the night, you asked of feral wolves, and I gave you an answer. If they come this way, we will be skins in their dens, and food for their pups." Mal held onto River as her eyes rolled up in her head, and she slumped down in his arms. Frowning, he tried to make sense of what she had just said when he heard Zoe scream.
IV
Simon felt sick.
Only forty-five minutes ago his day had been going fine. Then River got sick, he'd punched out Mal, and came to the realization that it was quite possible that everything in his life had been nothing more than a prelude to his current failure. If anything, Tam felt more like dying than anything else. Shifting slightly, he groaned as Jayne gingerly rolled him onto his back.
The doctor had been moved to Inara's shutttle, his sister in Mal's room resting while the Companion tried to help him pull himself together enough to help his sibling. Jayne on the other hand had merely tagged along as Zoe and Book half-carried, half-dragged the physician to Inara's chamber. The mercenary looked at Simon's black eye, and the dried blood surrounding his nose. Carefully he pressed his fingers along it's length.
"We'll it ain't broken, but you're gonna look real bad for about a week."
"How can you tell it's not broken?" Mumbled Simon, Jayne smirked.
"'Cause I've broken enough of 'em to know." Cobb looked over at the door as Inara returned from the shuttle's kitchen carrying a cloth with some ice wrapped up in it. Pressing it against the doctor's face, she looked at Jayne pointedly until he left. Alone, she minstered to Simon's wounds as she tried to think of something to say. However, Tam was a bit of a complicated person, he wasn't as easily placated as some of her clients seeing as how he was both humble, and without ego. If anything Simon Tam was one of the most reserved men she had ever met, which was probably why he had literally exploded when he finally reached his breaking point. Whatever his childhood had been, it most likely hadn't been conducive to emotional expression. That much was obvious given River's 'rebellious' nature, and tendency to act outside of what would have been expected of her had the Alliance not used her for a guinea pig.
"You're staring." Inara looked down at Simon, her slim hands carefully wiping the blood off of his face.
"Actually, I was thinking."
"About what?"
"You, of course." Simon's mouth turned down at the corners. The last thing he wanted right now was some sort of pep talk. Inara noticed the look, but merely smiled. She had his attention, that was good. When a man suspected an offense, it usually revealed hs defense. This was an advantage.
"I was thinking that you do not give yourself the credit that you deserve," said Inara softly. "One might say that you accept failure only because you fear success." Simon scoffed.
"This isn't success Inara, I'm living out in the middle of nowhere with barbarians because of the fact that I wasn't able to-" Tam broke off, his face turning to the far wall.
"Protect River? Fulfill all of the dreams and desires of your family? From experience I can tell you that living such a life, is like accepting a world of beautiful lies. Eventually the ugly truth will come out."
"My sister is a crazy, mind-reading genius. My father purposely sent her to the Academy, my mother is in a borderline catatonic state, and I have nothing to show for everything I've ever worked for. How's that for the ugly truth?"
"I'd say it's quite hideous." Remarked Inara as she went into the bathroom to rinse out the cloth. "Something that would cause even the most civilized of men to act like a perfect barbarian."
"I'm sorry," mumbled Simon. "Mal pushed me."
"Its what he does." said Inara as she returned with the cloth freshly chilled with cold water. "All he was trying to do Simon was make you see River for the gift that she is. Do you really think that she is a freak of nature? Honestly?"
"No."
"Are you ashamed of her?"
"No."
"Then what is bothering you? You're ashamed of something, otherwise you wouldn't have said the things you did in the kitchen." Simon smiled humorlessly. How could he say this?
"Inara there were certain things expected of me at home, and now...I don't know. I don't fit in out here, I don't know how to be, or really who I am anymore. Haven't you ever felt lost?" Inara smiled, her eyes drifting over towards a locked box that was sitting on her vanity. Yes, she had felt that was once, espcially when she was forced to exist with HIM, and live her life in a prison that was both figurative and physical. She could still see the bars on the window, hear the door creak open...
"Perchance, but that is something that is no longer part of me. I learned to adapt Simon, I learned how to fit into places that were abosolutely alien to my being, and most of all I learned who I was not what others told me to be. Only you can do that Simon, but the question is...can you?"
***
"Poor kid." said Zoe as she sorted through her mail, putting the bills in one pile, and personal correspondence in another. She was sitting in the freshly cleaned mess with Mal and Wash who was playing with his dinosaurs and Hairball. The pilot looked up from his toys, and over at his wife.
"Which one?"
"Simon. I never thought he was the type to crack up, but I guess I was wrong." Mal who was reading one of his latest death threats, just shook his head as he tossed it into the trash.
"You never know the make of a man until he loses his mind Zoe, if anything the war taught me that." Mal sighed as Hairball hopped onto his leg that was perched on the table, and used it as a ladder to crawl down into a position where he could easily get to the floor.
"That kitten is going."
"Yes sir." said Zoe as she frowned at one of her messages. Wash noticed the look on her face, and peered over her shoulder. A big grin lit up his face as a loud "YEEESSSSSSS!" tore it's way out of his throat. Mal looked at his fort officer for an explanation. The flexi slid down the table to where he sat, on it was a fuzzy black and white picture of something.
"Zoe what is this?"
"Simon sent in the films of my sonogram to be developed seince he doesn't have the equipment here, and now I just got my first look at my baby." Mal looked at the blurry image, and arched his eyebrows.
"Why does it have a tail?" he asked midly. Zoe glared at her captain, and snatched the flexi from him.
"Those are legs sir!" Wash grabbed the flexi from his wife, and peered at it.
"Oh, I thought it was a boy." Then the expression on his face changed as he looked at the two black lumps attacked to the rest of the shadow on the film. Planting a kiss on Zoe's face he dashed out into the corridor brandishing the flexi.
"HEY! GUESS WHAT? MY BABY HAS LEGS! TWO OF THEM! WE"VE GOT LEGS!" From the end of the hall, Kaylee's voice drifted up from the stairs leading to one of the lower decks.
"Really? Does Zoe know what it is yet?"
"How about humped?" Shouted Jayne, the remark followed by a short guffaw of laughter. Wash, on the other hand wasn't about to take the insult passively.
"Sorry, Jayne that only applies to your mother." The pilot turned into a streak as he dashed past Mal and Zoe, the mercenray hot on his heels. Sighing, Zoe got up to rescue her husband from Jayne before he got his hands on him.
"Zoe," said Mal as she walked out into the hall. "Why did you marry that man?"
"Because he makes me laugh sir, and I love him."
Mal watched her go, his only company now was Hairball who had made his way back to the table, and was sleeping on the captain's leg. Carefully he picked the puss up off of his resting place, and gingerly carreid him in his hands. He didn't know where Simon had found the creature, normally they were bigger, and expensive to boot since a good kitten cost at least fifteen credits. But, given Hairball's small size he was most likely the runt of the litter. Also, not many people would want to buy a cat with one green eye, and one almost white eye.
Stepping into his quarters, Mal looked down at River who was asleep in his bed. She still had a fever, that much was obvious given the fine sheen of sweat covering her face, but there was a odd peace about the girl. Something that wasn't normally there since her eyes were always haunted, and she was prone to acting crazy. Just last week she had taken a case of Jayne's bullets, and lined them up into a dizzying pattern on the cargo bay floor. No explanation why, just a myriad of black tips formed into something that looked like a spiral galaxy.
On the other hand, she hadn't rubbed soup in her hair again. That was something she seemed to reserve for whenever there was too much tension amongst the crew, and Mal was not stupid enough to believe that it was a coincidence. Covering herself with food was probably her way of distracting them long enough from their problems, to make them think of something humorous.
Putting Hairball on the bed, Mal watched as River slowly opened her eyes, and smiled down at her pet. The kitten tumbled over to her nearby hand, it's tiny paws batting at her fingers playfully.
"How ya feelin'?" asked Mal as he sat down. River smiled sourly, as she scrached Hairball behind his ears.
"Like I've been trampled on by elephants."
"That bad?"
"Simon feels worse." Mal paused, his eyes finding River's as she lay there quietly. As far as he knew she was asleep, and given her current state it didn't seem likely that she would be able to get up, unless...No, that was something that Mal didn't even want to think about. Wisely, he changed the subject.
"What's bothering him?"
"Voices that no longer speak, no longer matter, but still echo in his mind."
"River, you know as well as I do that you're capable of making sense. Can we try crazy-talk light please?"
"He can't stop living his life for others. Better?"
"Makes sense at least. Why can't he stop living for others? It's not hard."
"The two having this conversation know that, but Simon doesn't understand or comprehend how. Older brothers are so troublesome." River set Hairball down on the floor, and the froze. Her body pitching forward slightly as her senses picked up on something that came tearaing through them like a freight train jumping track.
"River? RIVER!" The girl shook in Mal's grasp, her eyes seeing something that he couldn't.
"Feral wolves with claws of blood, and teeth of bone. They speak to me in hollow voices...eyes searching for a firefly." River panicked, it had been a long time since she had felt Reavers, but unlike last time she could now focus. Searching for someone, anyone who could take them in the other direction she saw the key to the crew's safety.
Wash.
Briefly she snapped out of her trance, and looked at Mal. Smiling eerily, she stroked his face, and told him something that hopefully he would interpret as important, and not the result of brain-damage.
"Remember the vulture came in the night, you asked of feral wolves, and I gave you an answer. If they come this way, we will be skins in their dens, and food for their pups." Mal held onto River as her eyes rolled up in her head, and she slumped down in his arms. Frowning, he tried to make sense of what she had just said when he heard Zoe scream.