Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Chapter 1: We Are In "Wherever The Hell We Are"
When Link opened his eyes he saw a shining light above him.
'Navi? Is that you?'
'Sure is.'
'Well good, we need to get home.'
'Home? What are you talking about? Home is... a long way away from here.'
'Where's "here"?'
'"Here" is... I don't know. But one thing for sure, this is the Author's fault.'
'What do you mean, "the author's fault"?' Author bellowed - in a strangely squeaky voice.
'Don't tell me -'
'Yep, I'm a fairy now too. Your guardian fairy from wherever the hell we are!'
'I thought you'd know where we are?' Link asked.
'Nup. My "super special author powers" aren't THAT good yet.'
'What, so they're good enough to land me in wherever the hell we are, and turn you into a fairy, but not good enough to TELL us where we are?!'
'That's right.'
'Oh hell.'
Link looked around himself. There was a wide range of terrain everywhere. For example, lava in one spot and right next to it was an iceberg.
'So WHERE the hell are we?'
'I don't know, but we might as well call this place "Wherever The Hell We Are" for now, I guess,' Author said, using "quotation fingers".
Link and Navi groaned.
'Thank you for naming this previously-unnamed place,' a voice said.
Link turned around. 'Oh no, you're that big-nosed blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons!'
The lawyer grinned and held up a contract, which said that whoever signed it would be the founder of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
'Woo-hoo!' Author yelled and signed it.
'This place is hereby named "Wherever The Hell We Are" by Author,' said the lawyer.
No-one clapped except Author and the lawyer. Everyone else (Navi and Link) just gave them bad looks.
'Can you get lost now, lawyer?'
'Fine, be that way,' the lawyer said and disappeared.
~~~
Link's "journal" (he'd found an empty book left behind when the lawyer had gone):
I am now in "Wherever The Hell We Are", no thanks to Author, who has used her "super special author powers" to turn her into my guardian fairy that comes from "Wherever The Hell We Are".
That big-nosed blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons just turned up and Author signed his contract saying that she is the founder of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
At least the lawyer left this book behind for me to write in.
~~~
'Hey? What's Link doing? Writing in his secret DIARY?' Author laughed.
'No! Uh... it's a journal.'
Author laughed.
'I hope you aren't going to be as annoying as Navi is!' Link yelled.
'Yeah! I hope you aren't as annoying as me!' Navi yelled.
'No,' said Author. 'I'm going to be even MORE annoying than Navi is!'
'Oh no!' Link and Navi groaned.
Author smiled evilly.
'Now what are we going to do?' Link wondered as he sat down on the hot sand.
HOT SAND?!
Link jumped back up from the sand.
'Hey!' Navi said. 'Look at the ground!'
'It's changing!' Link said. He looked and saw the sand had changed into sea water. 'Uh-oh...' Link fell in.
The water changed to lava and Link jumped out, holding his butt, which was on fire.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!'
'Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!' Navi and Author laughed.
Link got out some convenient Spring Water and poured it onto his red-hot bottom, then pulled out a can of Fairy Mortein (A/N: my own creation).
'Who's first?'
'Uh... I think I'm... going to... go now...' Navi said and darted into Link's bag.
'Navi, don't leave me!' yelled Author, but Link sprayed her.
'Augh! *cough* Die Link!'
'Never!'
'You know, I wish we REALLY knew where we were...' Navi whispered in Link's ear.
'Tingle Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Help me!' Link yelled desperately as Tingle ran over to him.
'You is looking for a map, is you? Well you can have this for 300 Rupees! Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'300?!'
'Yeah, Tingle is wanting more money so he can buy a fairy from the Great Deku Tree, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'You can't buy fairies from the Deku Tree!' Link argued. Then he got an idea. 'But you can buy one off ME...' He picked up Author and handed him to Tingle.
'This fairy looks annoying and Tingle think it's poisoned with Fairy Mortein,' said Tingle, inspecting Author closely. 'I don't want this fairy, Kooloo-Limpah.' He threw Author away.
'Oh FINE...' Link said and payed up 300 Rupees.
'Yay! Here is your map of "Wherever The Hell We Are"!' Tingle jumped for joy. 'And for Link's kindness Tingle will go looking for a fairy with him! Kooloo-Limpah!'
'NO!!!!' Link, Navi and Author yelled.
Link inspected the map carefully.
'Hey! This map has nothing on it but a few squiggles and an X!'
'It is a very good-quality map for "Wherever The Hell We Are", did you know?' Tingle said.
'More like a RIP-OFF!!!!' Link yelled and lunged for Tingle's neck, but he quickly darted away with a 'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Oh, forget it. You're too mental to bother chasing.'
~~~
Link's journal:
Great. Just great.
I am stuck here in "Wherever The Hell We Are" with Navi and Author the two annoying fairies, and Tingle the... okay, he's too weird to explain in words.
I just hope no-one else turns up...
~~~
'Meow!'
Link looked down. There was a blue-grey-pointed cat sitting at his feet, wagging its tail and meowing.
'Noodles! What are you doing here?!'
Noodles was Lauren's pet cat. How he'd found his way into "Wherever The Hell We Are", Link had no idea. (A/N: you'll find out who Lauren is when I release the appropriate fanfic!)
He picked the Ragdoll cat up. Noodles meowed louder and struggled to get out of Link's hands.
'Maybe it's a good thing I have his harness.' Link put it on the fluffy cat.
~~~
Link's journal:
Okay, make it I am stuck here with Navi, Author, Tingle and now my friend Lauren's cat Noodles.
~~~
Link studied the map closer.
'That looks like a hut - vaguely. Um, guys... do you have a compass?'
'No.'
'No.'
'No, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Meow.'
'Author... you have "super special author powers"...'
'Uh-uh. You're going to have to get your own compass.'
'I wish we had a compass!' Navi said and she was immediately knocked to the ground by something gold and silver.
Link picked it up.
'It IS a compass!'
'Link... you're squishing me with your hand!' Navi whimpered.
'Oh, sorry.' He held out his hand and Navi flew up from it.
'So what's your plan? Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle asked.
'There's a hut on this map - we're going to find it with this compass.'
'But you don't know where we are,' Author said.
'We're in "Wherever The Hell We Are",' Link said sarcastically. Then more seriously, said, 'Hello - there is an "X" on this map. Here, you watch what happens when I move around.' Link ran over to a tree ten metres away and the "X" on the map moved as well.
'Oh, so it's a magical map.'
'[sarcastically] Nuh, it's a three-year-old-toddler's scribble on a piece of scrap paper!' Link said. He took the map back, but saw it WAS a three-year-old-toddler's scribble on a piece of scrap paper.
'Okay, listen here!' Link yelled at the sky. 'You turn this back into a map or I'm going to kill Author here!'
'NO!!!!' Author yelled.
~Alright already,~ boomed a voice that sounded like the author.
The scribble turned back into the map.
'Better. Come on, we need to get going,' Link said and stepped forward - into quicksand. His legs sunk to the bottom, and he struggled to keep his torso above the sand.
~~~
Link's journal:
I am writing this extremely hastily for I'm sinking into quicksand.
Navi wished for a compass and we got one. So we are trying to find our way to the hut which is on the map but we can't because I'm in this quicksand.
HELP!!!!
~~~
'Guys, a little help here?!' Link yelled. 'I AM sinking into quicksand, you know!'
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle grabbed onto Link's arm.
'Oh no! Link!' Author grabbed onto Tingle's back.
'Hey!' Navi grabbed onto Author's wing.
'Meow!' Noodles jumped up, latching his claws onto Author ('OW!!').
And they pulled.
'You know, I wish we had some extra help here,' Navi said.
Link's Machamp and Scyther came out of their Poke Balls. (A/N: you'll find out more when the appropriate fanfic is released!)
^PokeDex translator: now operating.^
'Machamp?' ^What's happening?^
'Scy-THER!!!!' ^Look at Link!!!!^
'Machamp, Scyther, help me out here!' Link yelled.
The two Pokemon grabbed onto Tingle and pulled.
'Aaaaaaaaahhhh!' Link, Tingle, Navi, Author, Noodles, Machamp and Scyther were pulled up into the air and landed in a heap.
'Gee, thanks you two. Return!' Link said and the Pokemon went back inside their Poke Balls.
'I forgot you had Pokemon, Link,' said Author.
'I thought fairies with "super special author powers" didn't forget,' Link queried.
'That's elephants.'
'NOW can we get going?' Navi groaned.
'Whatever,' Link said wearily.
They set off through the mottled terrain of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters In This Chapter:
The Author in fairy form
The blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons (temporary)
Tingle
Noodles, Lauren's pet cat
Machamp and Scyther, two of Link's Pokemon (temporary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Link, Navi, Author, Tingle and Noodles are setting off for the "mysterious hut". But there is heaps of really weird stuff waiting to happen... Tingle gets mistaken for a woman (?!), pink elephants falling from nowhere (?!?!), and a re-generating jungle! (?!?!?!)
Next Chapter: Trip Across A Chessboard - With Disastrous Results
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Some new people to join the small group: who could they be?
Hint 1: jungle, skulls and magic
Hint 2: "Shut up you ****ing *****!"
Hint 3: groovy baby
Try and figure them out before you read the next chapter. I have a VERY strange feeling that most people will be able to guess at least two of them.
~~~
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Chapter 1: We Are In "Wherever The Hell We Are"
When Link opened his eyes he saw a shining light above him.
'Navi? Is that you?'
'Sure is.'
'Well good, we need to get home.'
'Home? What are you talking about? Home is... a long way away from here.'
'Where's "here"?'
'"Here" is... I don't know. But one thing for sure, this is the Author's fault.'
'What do you mean, "the author's fault"?' Author bellowed - in a strangely squeaky voice.
'Don't tell me -'
'Yep, I'm a fairy now too. Your guardian fairy from wherever the hell we are!'
'I thought you'd know where we are?' Link asked.
'Nup. My "super special author powers" aren't THAT good yet.'
'What, so they're good enough to land me in wherever the hell we are, and turn you into a fairy, but not good enough to TELL us where we are?!'
'That's right.'
'Oh hell.'
Link looked around himself. There was a wide range of terrain everywhere. For example, lava in one spot and right next to it was an iceberg.
'So WHERE the hell are we?'
'I don't know, but we might as well call this place "Wherever The Hell We Are" for now, I guess,' Author said, using "quotation fingers".
Link and Navi groaned.
'Thank you for naming this previously-unnamed place,' a voice said.
Link turned around. 'Oh no, you're that big-nosed blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons!'
The lawyer grinned and held up a contract, which said that whoever signed it would be the founder of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
'Woo-hoo!' Author yelled and signed it.
'This place is hereby named "Wherever The Hell We Are" by Author,' said the lawyer.
No-one clapped except Author and the lawyer. Everyone else (Navi and Link) just gave them bad looks.
'Can you get lost now, lawyer?'
'Fine, be that way,' the lawyer said and disappeared.
~~~
Link's "journal" (he'd found an empty book left behind when the lawyer had gone):
I am now in "Wherever The Hell We Are", no thanks to Author, who has used her "super special author powers" to turn her into my guardian fairy that comes from "Wherever The Hell We Are".
That big-nosed blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons just turned up and Author signed his contract saying that she is the founder of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
At least the lawyer left this book behind for me to write in.
~~~
'Hey? What's Link doing? Writing in his secret DIARY?' Author laughed.
'No! Uh... it's a journal.'
Author laughed.
'I hope you aren't going to be as annoying as Navi is!' Link yelled.
'Yeah! I hope you aren't as annoying as me!' Navi yelled.
'No,' said Author. 'I'm going to be even MORE annoying than Navi is!'
'Oh no!' Link and Navi groaned.
Author smiled evilly.
'Now what are we going to do?' Link wondered as he sat down on the hot sand.
HOT SAND?!
Link jumped back up from the sand.
'Hey!' Navi said. 'Look at the ground!'
'It's changing!' Link said. He looked and saw the sand had changed into sea water. 'Uh-oh...' Link fell in.
The water changed to lava and Link jumped out, holding his butt, which was on fire.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!'
'Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!' Navi and Author laughed.
Link got out some convenient Spring Water and poured it onto his red-hot bottom, then pulled out a can of Fairy Mortein (A/N: my own creation).
'Who's first?'
'Uh... I think I'm... going to... go now...' Navi said and darted into Link's bag.
'Navi, don't leave me!' yelled Author, but Link sprayed her.
'Augh! *cough* Die Link!'
'Never!'
'You know, I wish we REALLY knew where we were...' Navi whispered in Link's ear.
'Tingle Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Help me!' Link yelled desperately as Tingle ran over to him.
'You is looking for a map, is you? Well you can have this for 300 Rupees! Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'300?!'
'Yeah, Tingle is wanting more money so he can buy a fairy from the Great Deku Tree, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'You can't buy fairies from the Deku Tree!' Link argued. Then he got an idea. 'But you can buy one off ME...' He picked up Author and handed him to Tingle.
'This fairy looks annoying and Tingle think it's poisoned with Fairy Mortein,' said Tingle, inspecting Author closely. 'I don't want this fairy, Kooloo-Limpah.' He threw Author away.
'Oh FINE...' Link said and payed up 300 Rupees.
'Yay! Here is your map of "Wherever The Hell We Are"!' Tingle jumped for joy. 'And for Link's kindness Tingle will go looking for a fairy with him! Kooloo-Limpah!'
'NO!!!!' Link, Navi and Author yelled.
Link inspected the map carefully.
'Hey! This map has nothing on it but a few squiggles and an X!'
'It is a very good-quality map for "Wherever The Hell We Are", did you know?' Tingle said.
'More like a RIP-OFF!!!!' Link yelled and lunged for Tingle's neck, but he quickly darted away with a 'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Oh, forget it. You're too mental to bother chasing.'
~~~
Link's journal:
Great. Just great.
I am stuck here in "Wherever The Hell We Are" with Navi and Author the two annoying fairies, and Tingle the... okay, he's too weird to explain in words.
I just hope no-one else turns up...
~~~
'Meow!'
Link looked down. There was a blue-grey-pointed cat sitting at his feet, wagging its tail and meowing.
'Noodles! What are you doing here?!'
Noodles was Lauren's pet cat. How he'd found his way into "Wherever The Hell We Are", Link had no idea. (A/N: you'll find out who Lauren is when I release the appropriate fanfic!)
He picked the Ragdoll cat up. Noodles meowed louder and struggled to get out of Link's hands.
'Maybe it's a good thing I have his harness.' Link put it on the fluffy cat.
~~~
Link's journal:
Okay, make it I am stuck here with Navi, Author, Tingle and now my friend Lauren's cat Noodles.
~~~
Link studied the map closer.
'That looks like a hut - vaguely. Um, guys... do you have a compass?'
'No.'
'No.'
'No, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Meow.'
'Author... you have "super special author powers"...'
'Uh-uh. You're going to have to get your own compass.'
'I wish we had a compass!' Navi said and she was immediately knocked to the ground by something gold and silver.
Link picked it up.
'It IS a compass!'
'Link... you're squishing me with your hand!' Navi whimpered.
'Oh, sorry.' He held out his hand and Navi flew up from it.
'So what's your plan? Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle asked.
'There's a hut on this map - we're going to find it with this compass.'
'But you don't know where we are,' Author said.
'We're in "Wherever The Hell We Are",' Link said sarcastically. Then more seriously, said, 'Hello - there is an "X" on this map. Here, you watch what happens when I move around.' Link ran over to a tree ten metres away and the "X" on the map moved as well.
'Oh, so it's a magical map.'
'[sarcastically] Nuh, it's a three-year-old-toddler's scribble on a piece of scrap paper!' Link said. He took the map back, but saw it WAS a three-year-old-toddler's scribble on a piece of scrap paper.
'Okay, listen here!' Link yelled at the sky. 'You turn this back into a map or I'm going to kill Author here!'
'NO!!!!' Author yelled.
~Alright already,~ boomed a voice that sounded like the author.
The scribble turned back into the map.
'Better. Come on, we need to get going,' Link said and stepped forward - into quicksand. His legs sunk to the bottom, and he struggled to keep his torso above the sand.
~~~
Link's journal:
I am writing this extremely hastily for I'm sinking into quicksand.
Navi wished for a compass and we got one. So we are trying to find our way to the hut which is on the map but we can't because I'm in this quicksand.
HELP!!!!
~~~
'Guys, a little help here?!' Link yelled. 'I AM sinking into quicksand, you know!'
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle grabbed onto Link's arm.
'Oh no! Link!' Author grabbed onto Tingle's back.
'Hey!' Navi grabbed onto Author's wing.
'Meow!' Noodles jumped up, latching his claws onto Author ('OW!!').
And they pulled.
'You know, I wish we had some extra help here,' Navi said.
Link's Machamp and Scyther came out of their Poke Balls. (A/N: you'll find out more when the appropriate fanfic is released!)
^PokeDex translator: now operating.^
'Machamp?' ^What's happening?^
'Scy-THER!!!!' ^Look at Link!!!!^
'Machamp, Scyther, help me out here!' Link yelled.
The two Pokemon grabbed onto Tingle and pulled.
'Aaaaaaaaahhhh!' Link, Tingle, Navi, Author, Noodles, Machamp and Scyther were pulled up into the air and landed in a heap.
'Gee, thanks you two. Return!' Link said and the Pokemon went back inside their Poke Balls.
'I forgot you had Pokemon, Link,' said Author.
'I thought fairies with "super special author powers" didn't forget,' Link queried.
'That's elephants.'
'NOW can we get going?' Navi groaned.
'Whatever,' Link said wearily.
They set off through the mottled terrain of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters In This Chapter:
The Author in fairy form
The blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons (temporary)
Tingle
Noodles, Lauren's pet cat
Machamp and Scyther, two of Link's Pokemon (temporary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Link, Navi, Author, Tingle and Noodles are setting off for the "mysterious hut". But there is heaps of really weird stuff waiting to happen... Tingle gets mistaken for a woman (?!), pink elephants falling from nowhere (?!?!), and a re-generating jungle! (?!?!?!)
Next Chapter: Trip Across A Chessboard - With Disastrous Results
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Some new people to join the small group: who could they be?
Hint 1: jungle, skulls and magic
Hint 2: "Shut up you ****ing *****!"
Hint 3: groovy baby
Try and figure them out before you read the next chapter. I have a VERY strange feeling that most people will be able to guess at least two of them.
~~~