Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Chapter 2: Trip Across A Chessboard - With Disastrous Results
'So WHERE are we going?' Navi asked for the millionth time.
Link ignored her.
The small group had been walking/flying for about ten minutes now.
'Author, can you use your "super special author powers" to shut Navi up?' Link asked.
'No, but I can do this.' Author pulled out a roll of sticky tape and...
Navi made a lot of muffled sounds which Noodles meowed at.
'Shut up.'
'I thought you had "super special author powers" that WORKED!!!!' Link moaned.
'Only when the Big Author lets me use them in this fanfic,' Author said.
'What? There's someone else in this conspiracy too?!' Link said.
^PokeDex translator: now operating for Navi's purpose.^
'Img-nmm imm. His bmmm wet-chmig mooo mutkh Sx-Fllmms.' ^Ignore him. He's been watching too much X-Files.^
'Have not! X-Files finished weeks ago!' Link argued. 'And I never watched a minute of it.'
'Shut up Navi,' Author said. Noodles purred in agreement.
'If you wanted her to shut up, you would've used your "super special author powers" to zip her lips together, wouldn't have you?' Link groaned.
'Did someone call for me? Groovy baby, yeah!' came a shagadelic voice.
'AUSTIN POWERS!!!!' Author yelled.
'Mmmstm Moumrrs!!!!' ^Austin Powers!!!!^ cried Navi.
'Oh my God! Either that's Mini-me or...' Austin trailed off.
'IMMM NOMT MIMMI-MII!' ^I'M NOT MINI-ME!^
'Hey!' Link got Austin's attention.
'Oh hello... who are you, baby?' Austin asked.
'Link, Hero of Time.'
'Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.'
'Nice to meet you.'
'Groovy baby, yeah!'
Link introduced Austin to the others.
'...and this is Tingle. He's a Kokiri guy who doesn't have a fairy.'
'I've got an idea,' Austin said and he punched Tingle in the nose. Tingle fell over, red nose bleeding.
'Why did you do that?' Author asked.
'That's not a man, that's a woman, baby!' Austin started pulling at Tingle's hat and hair.
'Ow! Tingle doesn't like this! Ow! Please stop! Kooloo-Limpah!'
Austin let go of Tingle, who slumped to the ground.
'So why are you here, Mr. Powers?' Author asked.
'I thought I heard someone say... my name, baby,' Austin said.
'No, I just said something about Author's "super special author powers",' Link said.
'You said "author" and not Austin?' Austin asked.
'Yep. But you can come with us if you want.'
'Groovy baby!'
~~~
Link's journal:
For some reason, Austin Powers has appeared in "Wherever The Hell We Are" and mistook Tingle for a woman. He's got a good point there... But don't tell Tingle that, hehe.
Now Austin is travelling with us to the "mysterious hut" as Navi dubbed it before Author taped her lips together. Now the only way we can understand her is if Dexter translates.
So now we're a group of six: me, Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles and Austin.
~~~
The very unlikely group kept walking across the constantly-changing ground.
'Watch out for waterholes,' Author advised.
'Even though you're two shagadelic fairies, I don't like you,' Austin said. 'Too annoying, baby.'
'Hey!'
'Hmmm!' ^Hey!^
'And the Tingle woman...'
'I am NOT a woman! Link, make him stop calling me that!'
'No way,' Link smiled.
Tingle buried his face in his hands. Noodles pulled on his harness and ran to comfort Tingle.
'Nice kitty.'
Ten minutes later (nothing very interesting happened until then)...
'What's this say?' Link glanced at a sign in front of what looked like a chessboard.
Danger! Watch out for falling objects!
'Hmmm. Well then, we'd better watch out for falling objects.'
'Especially steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, baby yeah,' Austin agreed (you'll only get the joke if you've seen the movies, or at least the first one).
'ESPECIALLY those.'
As soon as Link stepped onto a white square on the chessboard, a shadow appeared over him.
Author looked up.
'Er - Link, I think you should run NOW!'
Link stepped onto the next square, which was black.
BAM!!!!
Link looked back to see a pink elephant sitting on the white square.
The elephant trumpeted. 'So, whatcha doing here?'
'We are... trying to get across this chessboard.'
'Good luck then! You'll need it.'
'Do you think you could...'
'Give some help? NO WAY!'
Navi kicked the elephant, which jumped up and looked around on the ground before seeing Navi.
'Aaaaaaaahhhh! It's a flying mouse!!'
'Grab on!' Link tossed a lasso over the elephant and threw the other end to Austin (who was holding Noodles) and Tingle.
The elephant ran across the chessboard with lots of objects falling to the ground.
'Whoa! That was close!' Link said as he clinged onto the elephant, who narrowly dodged an anvil.
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'This was never in the job description!' Author cried.
'You haven't seen dangerous until you've seen a nuclear warhead, baby!' Austin yelped. 'Good thing one of those hasn't fallen.'
'Don't speak too soon!' Ellie yelled.
'MMMMmmmm!' Navi yelled. ^PokeDex: This means nothing in particular, I can't translate it or it is just a yell.^
'So Ellie, I suppose you're coming with us?' Link asked.
'Whatever. This falling objects chessboard is too dangerous to live on,' Ellie said.
At the other side of the chessboard, there was another obstacle.
'We have to get across THAT?' Link yelled. In front of him was a deep water-filled ravine with a thin rope bridge across it. Complete with steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.
When Author screamed, a laser beam flew out of the water.
'Okay, swimming's out,' Link said.
Everyone agreed, especially Austin.
'But what about Ellie here?' Author asked, pointing at the pink elephant.
Link's face fell.
'Well... everyone except Ellie here can go across and THEN she can go.' Link had a feeling the bridge would break under Ellie's weight.
'Get over here then!' Author yelled.
'What are you doing over there?' Link yelled.
'We flew over!' Author said. She and Navi had flown over the ravine as Link was talking.
'(sigh) Here I go...' Link said, taking a careful step onto the bridge.
'Don't look down!' Austin yelled, forgetting he was using his Shrek voice (Austin really is Mike Myers after all).
Link took another careful step. The wood plank he had put his foot on collapsed under him and Link tripped.
'Austin, I'm lookin' down!' Link yelled in an Eddie Murphy voice.
'Stop imitating Donkey!' Tingle said. 'Oh, and don't forget - Kooloo-Limpah!'
Noodles gave a loud meow, signalling that he thought Tingle was annoying.
Author zoomed over to Link now.
'Hurry up or... never mind, I'll just do this.'
The fairy kicked Link and he flew through the air.
'Hey! I'm flying! I'm flying!' Link imitated Donkey again as he soared through the air to land in the dirt ten metres past the bridge on the other side.
'That's a good kick you've got there, Author - too good...' Link rubbed his bum.
Austin, Noodles and Tingle carefully made their way across the bridge.
'Tmkm myss spcky mape moff MIRT MOU!' ^Take this sticky tape off RIGHT NOW!^ Navi yelled.
'Anything to stop that awful PokeDex talking, baby,' Austin said. He ripped the sticky tape off Navi's mouth.
'OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!'
'Meow!' Noodles saw Navi and started pawing at her.
'Hey, watch where you're going with those claws, cat!'
'Meow...'
'Look, Ellie's almost there!' Link yelled, pointing at the pink elephant, who was crossing the bridge on tiptoe.
As Ellie approached the end of the bridge everyone whooped.
'Yay Ellie!'
'Woo-hoo!'
'Yeah baby, yeah!'
'Hooray! Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Alright!'
Ellie trumpeted and stomped her foot, not realising she wasn't off the bridge yet.
The bridge collapsed.
'Aaaaahh!' Ellie yelled.
'I'm coming to save ya!' Link yelled, and he grabbed onto Ellie's trunk.
'Hang on, baby!' Austin yelled and he grabbed onto Link to help.
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle yelled and grabbed onto Austin.
'Hey!' Navi yelled and she grabbed onto Tingle.
'What's happening?' Author yelled but she grabbed onto Navi anyway.
'Meow!' Noodles yelled and he grabbed onto Author.
Everyone pulled.
'This really hurts, you know,' Ellie groaned. 'How would YOU like it if people were pulling on YOUR nose?'
'This is getting ridiculous!' Navi said. 'I wish there was a mouse here.'
A mouse appeared on Ellie's head.
Ellie looked up.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MOUSE!!!!' Ellie yelled and jumped up onto land.
Everyone else was hauled up into the air again.
'[sarcastic] Well, that was eventful,' Link groaned. He was under everyone else.
'Oh, didn't see you down there,' Ellie said and got up.
'I think you crushed half my bones...'
'Nonsense.'
'No, I mean it.'
'Well then, I wish there was a hospital here,' Navi said.
In front of them appeared a hospital.
'Well, shall we?' Author asked.
'Duh! I need CARE here!' Link yelled.
Ellie heaved him up onto her shoulder ('Hey! Watch where you're pulling me!') and walked into the hospital, the others walking after her.
Navi rang the service bell on the counter for the hundredth time.
'This could at least be a DECENT hospital!' she groaned.
'Someone damn fix my bones already!' Link yelled.
Author quickly zoomed around the hospital (there was only one floor). 'There's no-one here,' she said.
'Well then, I wish for a doctor!' Navi said.
'It's-a meeeee!!!!' an Italian accent immediately sounded out.
'Don't tell me - Dr. Mario...' Link groaned.
'Mamma mia!' Dr. Mario said. 'Looka at-a your-a broken-a... everyting!'
'Duh! Can't you fix me up, Dr. Mario?'
'Yes-a, but-a it'll take a longa time-a!'
In the operating theatre, Dr. Mario called in his assistants.
'Aaaaaahhh! Dr. Evil!' Austin yelled.
'Throw me a frickin' bone here. I didn't go to evil medical school for 6 years to be called "Mr. Thank-You-Very-Much",' Dr. Evil said.
'You've got a point there, baby.'
'Dr. Hibbert!' Author yelled.
'Eh-hihihihihihi!' Dr. Hibbert laughed (yes, that's meant to be his laugh).
'Nurse Joy?!' Navi said.
'Please tell me Brock isn't here...' Nurse Joy hoped.
'No, he isn't, but I can always imitate him, baby,' Austin joked.
'Ulp.'
'Just stop the introductions and FIX MY BONES!' Link yelled.
'This is nuts!' Dag yelled.
'Since when are you in this fanfic?' Author asked.
'We don't know!' Norb replied.
'I thought YOU'D know, Author! You're the one writing this!' Link groaned in his pain.
'No I'm not, the Big Author is,' Author said.
'Shut up Norb!' Dag yelled.
'Why don't you Dag?' Norb replied.
'Now I know why they're called "Angry Beavers",' Tingle commented. 'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'If you don't stop saying that I'll get these beavers to bop you into the last millenium!' Author said.
'Ok I'll stop.'
'Meow!' Noodles pawed Dag cautiously.
Half an hour later the doctors hadn't gotten anywhere. They must have been pretty lousy doctors (Dr. Evil is... evil, Nurse Joy only operates on Pokemon, Dr. Mario is the star of a puzzle game, and Dr. Hibbert... let's just say he reckons laughter is the best medicine in this fanfic).
'You know, I think some magic will help,' Link offered, holding his sword-wand up. (A/N: you'll find out about the sword-wand when I release the appropriate fanfic!)
Dr. Mario took the wand and prodded Link's legs, which healed instantly.
'Thank you doctors and nurse (not),' Link said and he got up, taking the wand back and slipping it in his pocket.
'Are we going to get going now, Link baby?' Austin said.
'Uh... yes. And I disapprove of you calling me "baby" unless you've gone gay on me.'
'No, of course I haven't, ba- Link!'
'Well-a, are ya going-a to go-a now-e?' Dr. Mario asked.
'Duh! Throw me a frickin' bone here!' Link said.
'Hey! Don't steal my line! When someone steals my line it makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.' Mr. Bigglesworth (who was greeting Noodles) meowed. 'And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!!!!' Dr. Evil pressed a button on a remote control and several people in the "audience" fell into a hellpit, including Dag and Norb.
'If you see Brock, don't tell him I'm here,' Nurse Joy advised.
'Eh-hihihihihihihihihi!' Dr. Hibbert laughed.
'SHUT UP!' everyone yelled.
Finally Link was able to walk out of the hospital with Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin and Ellie behind him.
They went through the doors facing the way they were walking, and found a jungle.
~~~
Link's journal:
Now another person has joined our little group - a pink elephant called Ellie. Actually that's not her name, we just call her that.
We were going across a "chessboard" when Ellie fell from the sky and she helped us across the chessboard. And then there was a ravine with sea bass, steamrollers and laserbeam sharks in it. We walked across a wooden bridge but Ellie almost didn't make it.
When we fell in a heap on the ground Ellie was on top of my legs and Navi had to wish up a hospital - and Dr. Mario, Dr. Evil, Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy were there. As well as Dag and Norb.
And now we're stuck in a re-generating jungle.
~~~
Link slashed his sword through the dense jungle vines, but they grew back as quickly as he cut them.
'This is no use. I need some fire.'
'Hello? You DO have Din's Fire, don't you?' Navi reminded him.
'Oh yeah! Everyone stand back!' Link yelled and he let out a fireball.
It burnt down everything within ten metres of Link.
'Well, that worked well, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
Then the jungle grew back again.
'DOH!!!!' Link yelled. 'You jinxed it, Tingle!'
'Shut up you ****ing ***** of a skull-man!' There was a snatch of very bad conversation from around a huge tree that was taller than a house and wider than a house.
'Me not shut up - you swear too much, Mumbo not like.' Another voice, very caveman-like this time.
'You ****ing idiot! Just do something with that ****ty skull wand thing of yours!'
ZAP!
'****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PUT MY *** ON FIRE YOU *****!!!!'
'Not Mumbo fault. You swear much. Mumbo not like, do spell wrong.'
'Should we take a look?' Link asked the motley group.
'Why not? Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Yeah baby yeah!'
'Hey! Look!'
'Meow!'
'Be quiet Noodles!'
'Shut up Navi or I'll sit on you!'
'It wasn't me, it was Author!'
'NO YOU DON'T - AAAAAAHHHH!!!!'
'Ellie, get off Author.'
'Ooh, sticking up for the annoying fairy now are you?'
'Shut up Navi, baby.'
Link walked around the huge tree and saw Mumbo Jumbo looking sorry for putting Ozzy Osbourne's butt on fire.
'I should have known!' Link cried.
'Who the ****ing hell are you?' Ozzy asked.
'Link, Hero of Time. And this is... Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin Powers and Ellie the pink elephant.'
'Oh ****, I knew I was hallucinating again! First a f***ing b****** skull-man, now a ****ing pink elephant!' Ozzy yelled.
'Me Mumbo Jumbo. Me best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie and Tooie. And he Ozzy Osbourne. He swear too much,' Mumbo said.
'Well, uh... nice to meet both of you,' Link said, shaking Mumbo's hand.
Ozzy was still running about, hands on his fiery bum.
'Groovy baby!' Austin said.
'Oh shut the **** up!'
'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'You too you little ****head!'
Ellie trumpeted.
'****, I AM hallucinating - get me a doctor... or maybe a ****ing beer.'
'You don't want to go back to that hospital. I mean it...' Link said. He explained about Dr. Mario, Dr. Evil, Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy.
'I don't give a **** about some ****ty Italian plumber/doctor!'
'This guy is scaring me. I wish he'd shut up!' Navi said.
'Mmmmm-*****!' ^Hey you *****!^ Ozzy's mouth had been taped up magically.
'Mumbo like Navi. You make Ozzy quiet.' Mumbo held out a bunch of flowers.
'Er... Mumbo, YOU'RE really scaring me now.'
'Mmmmmm mmmm ****mmm mmmmmmmm mmmm mmmm!' ^Get that ****ing elephant outta here!^
'Oh great one Ozzy, you got my PokeDex swearing now!!' Link groaned.
'This is nuts!' Dag said again.
'I thought Dr. Evil got rid of you!' Author yelled.
'No.'
'Well Mumbo will!' Mumbo whacked his skull wand thing on Dag's head and he disappeared. 'Mumbo more happy now. But Ozzy and PokeDex not stop swearing.'
'If Ozzy stops, the PokeDex will stop too,' Tingle said. 'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Mmmmm mm mmmm *****!' ^Shut up you *****!^
Tingle started bawling.
'Now look what you made him do!' Link yelled. 'Even worse than his "Kooloo-Limpah" is his crying!'
'Mmmmm mm ****mmm mmmmm!' ^Not my ****ing fault!^
'Is too!'
'Mmm ****mmm mmm!' ^Is ****ing not!^
'Is too!'
'Mmm mmm!' ^Is not!^
'Is too!'
'Mmm mmm!' ^Is not!^
Ellie sucked some of Tingle's tears into her trunk and sprayed Link and Ozzy.
'Shut up BOTH of you or we'll ALL start swearing!'
'And that ain't my bag, baby!' Navi said.
'Quit stealing my groovy lines, baby!' Austin said.
Ozzy wrenched the tape off his mouth.
'SHUT THE **** UP!!!!' he yelled.
Everyone stared at him.
'Thank you Ozzy. Now, can we concentrate on getting to this "mysterious hut" in the middle of "Wherever The Hell We Are"?' Link said.
~~~
Link's journal:
Okay, now we're stuck in a re-generating jungle with Ozzy Osbourne and Mumbo Jumbo as well. I am really starting to hate this.
~~~
'Fine, just stop that ***** from saying his ****ing words,' Ozzy begged.
'Whatever. Tingle, stop saying Kooloo-Limpah.'
'NO!!!!'
'He's stubborn. Just block your ears, Mr. Osbourne.'
'Don't ****ing call me Mr. Osbourne! I'm OZZY!!'
'I get the message.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters In This Chapter:
Austin Powers
Ellie the pink elephant
Dr. Mario (temporary)
Dr. Evil (temporary)
Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons (temporary)
Nurse Joy (temporary)
Dag and Norb the Angry Beavers (temporary)
Ozzy Osbourne
Mumbo Jumbo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now Link, Navi, Author, Tingle and Noodles are stuck in a re-generating jungle with Austin Powers, Ozzy Osbourne, Mumbo Jumbo and Ellie the pink elephant.
Can things get any worse?
SURE THEY CAN!!!!
Next Chapter: Bunny Bar Bomb
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Hints for who's coming up next chapter...
Hint 1: bum-dancing bunny
Hint 2: let's look out for terrorism
Hint 3: A Current Affair host
Anyone reading this who isn't Australian probably won't get the first and third ones, sorry.
~~~
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Chapter 2: Trip Across A Chessboard - With Disastrous Results
'So WHERE are we going?' Navi asked for the millionth time.
Link ignored her.
The small group had been walking/flying for about ten minutes now.
'Author, can you use your "super special author powers" to shut Navi up?' Link asked.
'No, but I can do this.' Author pulled out a roll of sticky tape and...
Navi made a lot of muffled sounds which Noodles meowed at.
'Shut up.'
'I thought you had "super special author powers" that WORKED!!!!' Link moaned.
'Only when the Big Author lets me use them in this fanfic,' Author said.
'What? There's someone else in this conspiracy too?!' Link said.
^PokeDex translator: now operating for Navi's purpose.^
'Img-nmm imm. His bmmm wet-chmig mooo mutkh Sx-Fllmms.' ^Ignore him. He's been watching too much X-Files.^
'Have not! X-Files finished weeks ago!' Link argued. 'And I never watched a minute of it.'
'Shut up Navi,' Author said. Noodles purred in agreement.
'If you wanted her to shut up, you would've used your "super special author powers" to zip her lips together, wouldn't have you?' Link groaned.
'Did someone call for me? Groovy baby, yeah!' came a shagadelic voice.
'AUSTIN POWERS!!!!' Author yelled.
'Mmmstm Moumrrs!!!!' ^Austin Powers!!!!^ cried Navi.
'Oh my God! Either that's Mini-me or...' Austin trailed off.
'IMMM NOMT MIMMI-MII!' ^I'M NOT MINI-ME!^
'Hey!' Link got Austin's attention.
'Oh hello... who are you, baby?' Austin asked.
'Link, Hero of Time.'
'Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.'
'Nice to meet you.'
'Groovy baby, yeah!'
Link introduced Austin to the others.
'...and this is Tingle. He's a Kokiri guy who doesn't have a fairy.'
'I've got an idea,' Austin said and he punched Tingle in the nose. Tingle fell over, red nose bleeding.
'Why did you do that?' Author asked.
'That's not a man, that's a woman, baby!' Austin started pulling at Tingle's hat and hair.
'Ow! Tingle doesn't like this! Ow! Please stop! Kooloo-Limpah!'
Austin let go of Tingle, who slumped to the ground.
'So why are you here, Mr. Powers?' Author asked.
'I thought I heard someone say... my name, baby,' Austin said.
'No, I just said something about Author's "super special author powers",' Link said.
'You said "author" and not Austin?' Austin asked.
'Yep. But you can come with us if you want.'
'Groovy baby!'
~~~
Link's journal:
For some reason, Austin Powers has appeared in "Wherever The Hell We Are" and mistook Tingle for a woman. He's got a good point there... But don't tell Tingle that, hehe.
Now Austin is travelling with us to the "mysterious hut" as Navi dubbed it before Author taped her lips together. Now the only way we can understand her is if Dexter translates.
So now we're a group of six: me, Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles and Austin.
~~~
The very unlikely group kept walking across the constantly-changing ground.
'Watch out for waterholes,' Author advised.
'Even though you're two shagadelic fairies, I don't like you,' Austin said. 'Too annoying, baby.'
'Hey!'
'Hmmm!' ^Hey!^
'And the Tingle woman...'
'I am NOT a woman! Link, make him stop calling me that!'
'No way,' Link smiled.
Tingle buried his face in his hands. Noodles pulled on his harness and ran to comfort Tingle.
'Nice kitty.'
Ten minutes later (nothing very interesting happened until then)...
'What's this say?' Link glanced at a sign in front of what looked like a chessboard.
Danger! Watch out for falling objects!
'Hmmm. Well then, we'd better watch out for falling objects.'
'Especially steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, baby yeah,' Austin agreed (you'll only get the joke if you've seen the movies, or at least the first one).
'ESPECIALLY those.'
As soon as Link stepped onto a white square on the chessboard, a shadow appeared over him.
Author looked up.
'Er - Link, I think you should run NOW!'
Link stepped onto the next square, which was black.
BAM!!!!
Link looked back to see a pink elephant sitting on the white square.
The elephant trumpeted. 'So, whatcha doing here?'
'We are... trying to get across this chessboard.'
'Good luck then! You'll need it.'
'Do you think you could...'
'Give some help? NO WAY!'
Navi kicked the elephant, which jumped up and looked around on the ground before seeing Navi.
'Aaaaaaaahhhh! It's a flying mouse!!'
'Grab on!' Link tossed a lasso over the elephant and threw the other end to Austin (who was holding Noodles) and Tingle.
The elephant ran across the chessboard with lots of objects falling to the ground.
'Whoa! That was close!' Link said as he clinged onto the elephant, who narrowly dodged an anvil.
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'This was never in the job description!' Author cried.
'You haven't seen dangerous until you've seen a nuclear warhead, baby!' Austin yelped. 'Good thing one of those hasn't fallen.'
'Don't speak too soon!' Ellie yelled.
'MMMMmmmm!' Navi yelled. ^PokeDex: This means nothing in particular, I can't translate it or it is just a yell.^
'So Ellie, I suppose you're coming with us?' Link asked.
'Whatever. This falling objects chessboard is too dangerous to live on,' Ellie said.
At the other side of the chessboard, there was another obstacle.
'We have to get across THAT?' Link yelled. In front of him was a deep water-filled ravine with a thin rope bridge across it. Complete with steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.
When Author screamed, a laser beam flew out of the water.
'Okay, swimming's out,' Link said.
Everyone agreed, especially Austin.
'But what about Ellie here?' Author asked, pointing at the pink elephant.
Link's face fell.
'Well... everyone except Ellie here can go across and THEN she can go.' Link had a feeling the bridge would break under Ellie's weight.
'Get over here then!' Author yelled.
'What are you doing over there?' Link yelled.
'We flew over!' Author said. She and Navi had flown over the ravine as Link was talking.
'(sigh) Here I go...' Link said, taking a careful step onto the bridge.
'Don't look down!' Austin yelled, forgetting he was using his Shrek voice (Austin really is Mike Myers after all).
Link took another careful step. The wood plank he had put his foot on collapsed under him and Link tripped.
'Austin, I'm lookin' down!' Link yelled in an Eddie Murphy voice.
'Stop imitating Donkey!' Tingle said. 'Oh, and don't forget - Kooloo-Limpah!'
Noodles gave a loud meow, signalling that he thought Tingle was annoying.
Author zoomed over to Link now.
'Hurry up or... never mind, I'll just do this.'
The fairy kicked Link and he flew through the air.
'Hey! I'm flying! I'm flying!' Link imitated Donkey again as he soared through the air to land in the dirt ten metres past the bridge on the other side.
'That's a good kick you've got there, Author - too good...' Link rubbed his bum.
Austin, Noodles and Tingle carefully made their way across the bridge.
'Tmkm myss spcky mape moff MIRT MOU!' ^Take this sticky tape off RIGHT NOW!^ Navi yelled.
'Anything to stop that awful PokeDex talking, baby,' Austin said. He ripped the sticky tape off Navi's mouth.
'OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!'
'Meow!' Noodles saw Navi and started pawing at her.
'Hey, watch where you're going with those claws, cat!'
'Meow...'
'Look, Ellie's almost there!' Link yelled, pointing at the pink elephant, who was crossing the bridge on tiptoe.
As Ellie approached the end of the bridge everyone whooped.
'Yay Ellie!'
'Woo-hoo!'
'Yeah baby, yeah!'
'Hooray! Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Alright!'
Ellie trumpeted and stomped her foot, not realising she wasn't off the bridge yet.
The bridge collapsed.
'Aaaaahh!' Ellie yelled.
'I'm coming to save ya!' Link yelled, and he grabbed onto Ellie's trunk.
'Hang on, baby!' Austin yelled and he grabbed onto Link to help.
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle yelled and grabbed onto Austin.
'Hey!' Navi yelled and she grabbed onto Tingle.
'What's happening?' Author yelled but she grabbed onto Navi anyway.
'Meow!' Noodles yelled and he grabbed onto Author.
Everyone pulled.
'This really hurts, you know,' Ellie groaned. 'How would YOU like it if people were pulling on YOUR nose?'
'This is getting ridiculous!' Navi said. 'I wish there was a mouse here.'
A mouse appeared on Ellie's head.
Ellie looked up.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MOUSE!!!!' Ellie yelled and jumped up onto land.
Everyone else was hauled up into the air again.
'[sarcastic] Well, that was eventful,' Link groaned. He was under everyone else.
'Oh, didn't see you down there,' Ellie said and got up.
'I think you crushed half my bones...'
'Nonsense.'
'No, I mean it.'
'Well then, I wish there was a hospital here,' Navi said.
In front of them appeared a hospital.
'Well, shall we?' Author asked.
'Duh! I need CARE here!' Link yelled.
Ellie heaved him up onto her shoulder ('Hey! Watch where you're pulling me!') and walked into the hospital, the others walking after her.
Navi rang the service bell on the counter for the hundredth time.
'This could at least be a DECENT hospital!' she groaned.
'Someone damn fix my bones already!' Link yelled.
Author quickly zoomed around the hospital (there was only one floor). 'There's no-one here,' she said.
'Well then, I wish for a doctor!' Navi said.
'It's-a meeeee!!!!' an Italian accent immediately sounded out.
'Don't tell me - Dr. Mario...' Link groaned.
'Mamma mia!' Dr. Mario said. 'Looka at-a your-a broken-a... everyting!'
'Duh! Can't you fix me up, Dr. Mario?'
'Yes-a, but-a it'll take a longa time-a!'
In the operating theatre, Dr. Mario called in his assistants.
'Aaaaaahhh! Dr. Evil!' Austin yelled.
'Throw me a frickin' bone here. I didn't go to evil medical school for 6 years to be called "Mr. Thank-You-Very-Much",' Dr. Evil said.
'You've got a point there, baby.'
'Dr. Hibbert!' Author yelled.
'Eh-hihihihihihi!' Dr. Hibbert laughed (yes, that's meant to be his laugh).
'Nurse Joy?!' Navi said.
'Please tell me Brock isn't here...' Nurse Joy hoped.
'No, he isn't, but I can always imitate him, baby,' Austin joked.
'Ulp.'
'Just stop the introductions and FIX MY BONES!' Link yelled.
'This is nuts!' Dag yelled.
'Since when are you in this fanfic?' Author asked.
'We don't know!' Norb replied.
'I thought YOU'D know, Author! You're the one writing this!' Link groaned in his pain.
'No I'm not, the Big Author is,' Author said.
'Shut up Norb!' Dag yelled.
'Why don't you Dag?' Norb replied.
'Now I know why they're called "Angry Beavers",' Tingle commented. 'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'If you don't stop saying that I'll get these beavers to bop you into the last millenium!' Author said.
'Ok I'll stop.'
'Meow!' Noodles pawed Dag cautiously.
Half an hour later the doctors hadn't gotten anywhere. They must have been pretty lousy doctors (Dr. Evil is... evil, Nurse Joy only operates on Pokemon, Dr. Mario is the star of a puzzle game, and Dr. Hibbert... let's just say he reckons laughter is the best medicine in this fanfic).
'You know, I think some magic will help,' Link offered, holding his sword-wand up. (A/N: you'll find out about the sword-wand when I release the appropriate fanfic!)
Dr. Mario took the wand and prodded Link's legs, which healed instantly.
'Thank you doctors and nurse (not),' Link said and he got up, taking the wand back and slipping it in his pocket.
'Are we going to get going now, Link baby?' Austin said.
'Uh... yes. And I disapprove of you calling me "baby" unless you've gone gay on me.'
'No, of course I haven't, ba- Link!'
'Well-a, are ya going-a to go-a now-e?' Dr. Mario asked.
'Duh! Throw me a frickin' bone here!' Link said.
'Hey! Don't steal my line! When someone steals my line it makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.' Mr. Bigglesworth (who was greeting Noodles) meowed. 'And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!!!!' Dr. Evil pressed a button on a remote control and several people in the "audience" fell into a hellpit, including Dag and Norb.
'If you see Brock, don't tell him I'm here,' Nurse Joy advised.
'Eh-hihihihihihihihihi!' Dr. Hibbert laughed.
'SHUT UP!' everyone yelled.
Finally Link was able to walk out of the hospital with Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin and Ellie behind him.
They went through the doors facing the way they were walking, and found a jungle.
~~~
Link's journal:
Now another person has joined our little group - a pink elephant called Ellie. Actually that's not her name, we just call her that.
We were going across a "chessboard" when Ellie fell from the sky and she helped us across the chessboard. And then there was a ravine with sea bass, steamrollers and laserbeam sharks in it. We walked across a wooden bridge but Ellie almost didn't make it.
When we fell in a heap on the ground Ellie was on top of my legs and Navi had to wish up a hospital - and Dr. Mario, Dr. Evil, Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy were there. As well as Dag and Norb.
And now we're stuck in a re-generating jungle.
~~~
Link slashed his sword through the dense jungle vines, but they grew back as quickly as he cut them.
'This is no use. I need some fire.'
'Hello? You DO have Din's Fire, don't you?' Navi reminded him.
'Oh yeah! Everyone stand back!' Link yelled and he let out a fireball.
It burnt down everything within ten metres of Link.
'Well, that worked well, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
Then the jungle grew back again.
'DOH!!!!' Link yelled. 'You jinxed it, Tingle!'
'Shut up you ****ing ***** of a skull-man!' There was a snatch of very bad conversation from around a huge tree that was taller than a house and wider than a house.
'Me not shut up - you swear too much, Mumbo not like.' Another voice, very caveman-like this time.
'You ****ing idiot! Just do something with that ****ty skull wand thing of yours!'
ZAP!
'****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PUT MY *** ON FIRE YOU *****!!!!'
'Not Mumbo fault. You swear much. Mumbo not like, do spell wrong.'
'Should we take a look?' Link asked the motley group.
'Why not? Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Yeah baby yeah!'
'Hey! Look!'
'Meow!'
'Be quiet Noodles!'
'Shut up Navi or I'll sit on you!'
'It wasn't me, it was Author!'
'NO YOU DON'T - AAAAAAHHHH!!!!'
'Ellie, get off Author.'
'Ooh, sticking up for the annoying fairy now are you?'
'Shut up Navi, baby.'
Link walked around the huge tree and saw Mumbo Jumbo looking sorry for putting Ozzy Osbourne's butt on fire.
'I should have known!' Link cried.
'Who the ****ing hell are you?' Ozzy asked.
'Link, Hero of Time. And this is... Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin Powers and Ellie the pink elephant.'
'Oh ****, I knew I was hallucinating again! First a f***ing b****** skull-man, now a ****ing pink elephant!' Ozzy yelled.
'Me Mumbo Jumbo. Me best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie and Tooie. And he Ozzy Osbourne. He swear too much,' Mumbo said.
'Well, uh... nice to meet both of you,' Link said, shaking Mumbo's hand.
Ozzy was still running about, hands on his fiery bum.
'Groovy baby!' Austin said.
'Oh shut the **** up!'
'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'You too you little ****head!'
Ellie trumpeted.
'****, I AM hallucinating - get me a doctor... or maybe a ****ing beer.'
'You don't want to go back to that hospital. I mean it...' Link said. He explained about Dr. Mario, Dr. Evil, Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy.
'I don't give a **** about some ****ty Italian plumber/doctor!'
'This guy is scaring me. I wish he'd shut up!' Navi said.
'Mmmmm-*****!' ^Hey you *****!^ Ozzy's mouth had been taped up magically.
'Mumbo like Navi. You make Ozzy quiet.' Mumbo held out a bunch of flowers.
'Er... Mumbo, YOU'RE really scaring me now.'
'Mmmmmm mmmm ****mmm mmmmmmmm mmmm mmmm!' ^Get that ****ing elephant outta here!^
'Oh great one Ozzy, you got my PokeDex swearing now!!' Link groaned.
'This is nuts!' Dag said again.
'I thought Dr. Evil got rid of you!' Author yelled.
'No.'
'Well Mumbo will!' Mumbo whacked his skull wand thing on Dag's head and he disappeared. 'Mumbo more happy now. But Ozzy and PokeDex not stop swearing.'
'If Ozzy stops, the PokeDex will stop too,' Tingle said. 'Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Mmmmm mm mmmm *****!' ^Shut up you *****!^
Tingle started bawling.
'Now look what you made him do!' Link yelled. 'Even worse than his "Kooloo-Limpah" is his crying!'
'Mmmmm mm ****mmm mmmmm!' ^Not my ****ing fault!^
'Is too!'
'Mmm ****mmm mmm!' ^Is ****ing not!^
'Is too!'
'Mmm mmm!' ^Is not!^
'Is too!'
'Mmm mmm!' ^Is not!^
Ellie sucked some of Tingle's tears into her trunk and sprayed Link and Ozzy.
'Shut up BOTH of you or we'll ALL start swearing!'
'And that ain't my bag, baby!' Navi said.
'Quit stealing my groovy lines, baby!' Austin said.
Ozzy wrenched the tape off his mouth.
'SHUT THE **** UP!!!!' he yelled.
Everyone stared at him.
'Thank you Ozzy. Now, can we concentrate on getting to this "mysterious hut" in the middle of "Wherever The Hell We Are"?' Link said.
~~~
Link's journal:
Okay, now we're stuck in a re-generating jungle with Ozzy Osbourne and Mumbo Jumbo as well. I am really starting to hate this.
~~~
'Fine, just stop that ***** from saying his ****ing words,' Ozzy begged.
'Whatever. Tingle, stop saying Kooloo-Limpah.'
'NO!!!!'
'He's stubborn. Just block your ears, Mr. Osbourne.'
'Don't ****ing call me Mr. Osbourne! I'm OZZY!!'
'I get the message.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters In This Chapter:
Austin Powers
Ellie the pink elephant
Dr. Mario (temporary)
Dr. Evil (temporary)
Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons (temporary)
Nurse Joy (temporary)
Dag and Norb the Angry Beavers (temporary)
Ozzy Osbourne
Mumbo Jumbo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now Link, Navi, Author, Tingle and Noodles are stuck in a re-generating jungle with Austin Powers, Ozzy Osbourne, Mumbo Jumbo and Ellie the pink elephant.
Can things get any worse?
SURE THEY CAN!!!!
Next Chapter: Bunny Bar Bomb
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Hints for who's coming up next chapter...
Hint 1: bum-dancing bunny
Hint 2: let's look out for terrorism
Hint 3: A Current Affair host
Anyone reading this who isn't Australian probably won't get the first and third ones, sorry.
~~~