Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Hi, I'm back again! Sorry it took so long - I had this written up for days but never got around to it until now - and I don't have much internet time left... anyway... this is the funniest chapter yet! But be prepared for a LOT more swearing (and not just from Ozzy either), several weapons of mass distraction (yes, that's DISTRACTION), a bit of violence, and a fairy-swallowing snake.
Chapter 3: Bunny Bar Bomb
'This is f***ing boring!' Ozzy yelled for the millionth time.
'WE KNOW OZZY!!!!' everyone else in the motley group yelled. They had been slashing their way through the re-generating jungle for half an hour.
'My f***ing legs are f***ing tired.'
'Well then Ellie can carry you,' Link said.
'No f***ing way!!!!'
'Mumbo angry. Ozzy not stop swearing,' Mumbo groaned yet again.
'Yeah baby. I've sworn lots of groovy times, but not THAT much, yeah baby yeah!' Austin commented.
'Meow!' Noodles scratched at Austin's leg.
'You want me to pick you up, you groovy pussy?' Austin heaved the cat into his arms. 'Crikey, you're heavy!'
'Shut up you mother-f***er,' Ozzy yelled.
'Okay, I'm taking bets on how much longer Ozzy's going to last in this jungle,' Link offered.
'Ten minutes,' Navi said.
'Ten seconds,' Author said.
'One second,' Link said.
'Ten hours, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.
'Ozzy last one minute, Mumbo think,' Mumbo said.
'I don't care,' Ellie said.
'Meow!' Noodles said.
'Five groovy seconds, baby yeah,' Austin said.
'All bets in? Right then, the fun starts now,' Link announced.
'SHUT THE F*** UP! I CAN'T TAKE YOU F***ING LOT NO MORE!!!! I'M OUT OF THIS F***ING JUNGLE!!!!' Ozzy yelled at once.
'Okay, that was one second. I win,' Link said.
Ozzy went over to Link and punched him in the face.
'What was that for?' Link asked, rubbing the new bruise on his nose.
'For being a stuffin' f***ing b****!'
'Was I that?' Link asked everyone else.
'No.'
'No way.'
'No baby yeah.'
'No, think Mumbo.'
'No, Kooloo-Limpah.'
'Meow.'
'No.'
'Yes, you f***ing b****!' Ozzy was fed up. 'I'm leaving!' He ran off through the dense jungle.
'Alright, but it's your fault if you get lost!' Link called.
They continued their slashing through the jungle.
Five seconds later...
Ozzy came back.
'Lost, are you?' Link joked.
'No, there's a f***ing snake there! And behind that there's a f***ing dance club! I can't stand the s***ty things.'
'A dance club? In the middle of a jungle?!' Link wondered. He hacked away at the vines in front of him, and sure enough, there was a large snake coiled up on the ground, and beyond that, a dance club.
'The "Bunny Bar". Doesn't sound THAT bad, does it?'
'Link, have you noticed the snake?' Navi asked. She hovered over to it. The long snake looked up and saw the fairy. With a large gulp the reptile swallowed Navi in one!
'NAVI!!!!' Link yelled. He ran over to the snake and stepped on it. The snake choked. 'A little help here? Navi is inside this snake, you know.'
Author came over and stepped on the snake. Nothing happened. 'We need someone bigger to step on it,' Link said.
Noodles came over and stepped on the snake. Nothing happened. 'Bigger.'
Tingle came over and stepped on the snake. The snake coughed. 'Bigger...'
Mumbo came over and stepped on the snake. The snake sneezed. 'Bigger, come on...'
Austin came over and stepped on the snake. Its head was really flat, but it still sneezed. 'BIGGER!! Ozzy?'
'Nuh-uh. I ain't touchin' no f***ing snake.'
'Fine then. Ellie, your turn. Everyone get back, this will get messy.'
Ellie came over and stepped on the snake. It was squished under the force of the elephant's foot, and blood spurted out in large blobs.
All that was left of the snake was a red scaly patch on the ground.
'Ewwwwwwww!' everyone said. Ellie took Link's Spring Water and splashed it on her foot to get rid of the blood.
'F***ing hell! The f***ing snake's a f***ing red patch on the f***ing ground now!' Ozzy yelled in disgust, even though he'd done some pretty disgusting things in his career himself.
'Where's Navi then?' Author asked. She examined the blood closer, despite it being so disgusting.
A big blob moved.
'Huh?'
'It's me, you idiot!'
Author flapped over to the large blood blob. It was Navi.
'Ewwwwwwww!' everyone said again.
'What just happened?' Navi asked.
'Trust me, you DON'T want to know,' Link said. Everyone nodded in agreement.
'Shouldn't she go have a wash? Can't have a blood-coloured fairy,' Author said.
'Good point. They'd probably have a bathroom in that dance club over there. Come on everyone,' Link said, and he walked into the club.
Ozzy still refused. He said he'd wait outside with Noodles.
When everyone else had gone into the club, Ozzy sat down on a fence and looked around. Trees, bushes and vines everywhere. Nothing but green everywhere except where the snake had been killed.
Something moved nearby. Ozzy turned to look.
A shadow was badly hidden behind a bunch of bushes.
'Hmmm,' Ozzy thought. 'Oh, maybe it's a f***ing clubber taking a smoke.' He turned his thoughts to other things.
'Wow! It's packed in here!' Link said, amazed at all the people in the club.
'I'm home, baby!' Austin said.
'No you're not. Home is a long way away from here, remember? Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'Oh yeah. That's right, baby.'
The small group walked over to the counter, where people in pyjamas and bunny ears served the drinks. Link went up to the nearest person.
'Hi. Like, where's the bathroom in here?' Link asked. The person didn't hear him - the music was really loud.
'Fine then, be that way.' Link looked around, and took notice of some other people dancing up on a small stage.
And he thought he recognised one of those people. It might just have been his imagination, but he had a feeling he'd seen that face on TV before...
Link went up to her and said, 'Hi there.'
'Um, hi, who are you?' the woman asked.
'I'm Link, Hero of Time.'
'Right. I'm Sara-Marie, and I own the Bunny Bar.'
'Sara-Marie from Big Brother?'
'That's me.'
'Cool! Can I have your autograph?' Link held up one of his Bunny Hoods.
'Sure.' Sara-Marie signed it:
Seez ya 'round sometime! Luv Sara-Marie, Aussie Big Brother star and Bunny Bar owner.
'Great! Lauren's going to be SO jealous!' Link shoved the Hood back into his bag. 'So, uh, where's the bathroom here?'
But Sara-Marie had someone else's attention by now.
'Come on Navi, we can find the bathroom on our own.' The two looked around the large room properly.
They were standing next to the main stage. People were having a few drinks at the bar and tables, or dancing out on the floor. There were a few doors next to a large screen showing flashy patterns.
'Hey look, there's doors over there,' Link said. 'Let's go.'
The Hylian and his Fairy left Austin and Ellie (who were dancing on the stage with Sara-Marie) to their dancing, Tingle and Author to their talking (they were sitting at the bar with some drunkos, including who looked and sounded like Barney from The Simpsons), and Noodles to his meowing at the front door (he wasn't allowed in), and weaved their way through the crowd, saying 'Excuse me' every two seconds.
As they got closer to the doors, a fight had started taking place. Two drunkos had tripped up a bunch of dancers, and they had gotten rather angry.
Insults and kicks flew. Link tried to get past them without being hurt, but he didn't see an oncoming punch.
WHAM!
'Link, you alright?' the still-bloodied Navi asked.
'I-I think so... just a hit to the head, that's all...' And he fainted for about a second. 'Okay, I'm fine. Now should we go pay those punks a lesson?'
'Don't-'
WHAM!
Link flew about ten feet through the air, crashing through one of the doors and falling halfway down a long, narrow staircase.
'Ow.'
'You alright, Link?' Navi asked.
'Yeah. I might need a Heart refill though.'
'I don't know if we can buy one of those here.'
'You nong! I DO have a bag, don't I?'
'Oh yeah.'
Link slowly got up and brushed his tunic off. He looked back at the door. There was a Link-shaped hole in it where he'd crashed through.
'Must be a pretty thin door,' he laughed. 'Well, if this is a bathroom, let's go take a look.'
Link and Navi went down the stairs. The room was almost pitch-black.
'Some bathroom. I sure hope this one is respectable,' Navi said. 'I don't want to get my skirt dirty.'
'It already is,' Link said, looking at the blood.
As they walked around aimlessly, trying to find the wall, Link tripped on something.
'Huh? What's this?'
He picked it up. It looked like some kind of bomb.
'A bomb. And it's armed,' Link said. 'Aaaahh!' He put it down so it wouldn't explode. Then he whipped out his sword and carefully cut the fuse, disarming it.
'Who in their right minds would leave a bomb in the basement of a dance club?' Navi wondered.
'I'D leave a bomb in the basement of a dance club,' a new voice sneered.
'Yeah baby! I love those groovy pyjamas,' Austin commented to Sara-Marie.
'Uh, thanks. They're my own line,' Sara-Marie informed. 'And, like, why is there a pink elephant in here? I thought animals weren't allowed in.'
'I have to travel with her. Long story, baby. And as for the groovy animals being in here, baby...' Austin took a closer look at the signs on the wall next to the bar. There was "No Smoking", "No Digimon", "No Annoying Fairies", "No Loud-Mouthed Red-Crested Breegulls", "No Bonds", "No Terrorists" and "No Fat Zora Kings".
'Hey! If James Bond isn't allowed in, then why am I in here, baby? We're both shagadelic spies, aren't we baby?' Austin wondered.
'I never put any of those signs there! Well, except the smoking, terrorist and annoying fairy signs, but none of the others,' Sara-Marie said.
'I wonder who did, baby. It might have been... Dr. Evil, and then again... maybe not. But I ain't here to solve a mystery, I'm here to party, yeah baby yeah!'
'Yeah, let's party!'
'Where's Link and Navi?' Ellie asked.
'Don't ask me baby, I haven't got a clue,' Austin replied.
'That's funny. They were here a minute ago...'
'Who are you?' Link asked the new person.
'Who are YOU, is the question,' the person replied. He had a foreign accent that Link couldn't place.
'I, for your big fat information, am Link, the Hero of Time. And this is my (annoying) fairy Navi. Any more questions? No? Then would you KINDLY like to tell me who you are?'
'That is my business, and my business alone.'
'Wise guy, eh? Smart-aleck, have we?' Navi asked. 'Do you know what we do to smart-alecks?' Link held the sword up.
'And do you know what happens to people who disarm my bombs?!' the person growled.
'Er, no,' Link said truthfully.
Navi hovered around the person. He wore a white turban and robe and had a black beard.
'You're... Osama Bin-Laden?!?! What are YOU doing in "Wherever The Hell We Are"?!' Link yelled in surprise.
'What do you think? This - did you call it "Wherever The Hell We Are"? - land is my new hideout. I don't think you'd need any help to work out who I'm hiding from, if you're smart enough.'
'And why did you put this bomb in the Bunny Bar?'
'It's my job. I'm a terrorist.'
'Right. [sarcastically] And I'm the president of the United States.'
'Then I'll kill you! Even though I was going to kill you anyway.'
'I was being sarcastic, duh! Can't you tell the difference? Oh no, you can't pick out a Hylian's accent.'
'You know, I do have a bunch of AK-47s here...' Bin-Laden pulled one out.
'And I have a sword, a bow, several Pokemon, an Ocarina and a wand, among lots of other stuff.'
'o_O Excuse me?'
'Long story. [sarcastic] Like I'm going to tell you!'
'You're living in the Middle Ages, you are! Swords!? How obsolete is that?'
'Not as obsolete as you think!' Link charged up his sword, and it glowed orange.
'Link, stop paying the guy out!' Navi said.
'He's the most wanted man in the world! I may not find this guy again! I HAVE to pay him out! And possibly kill him.'
'[sigh] Boys.'
'Well, if I'm the most wanted man on the planet, then why aren't I killing you right now?' Bin-Laden asked.
'Good point. But so what! Guns and missiles couldn't kill you, so I think my sword can do that efficiently.' Link got ready to release the charge, when the lights went on.
'Okay, what's happening? If Dr. Evil's down there, come over here with your groovy hands up, baby!' Austin yelled. He brandished his silver handgun as he stepped through the Link-shaped hole in the door.
'And if you're not Dr. Evil, I'll sit on you and squash you to the size of an ant!' Ellie trumpeted. She knocked the door down completely and stretched her trunk, as if itching to strangle someone.
'What's going on down there?' Sara-Marie asked. She held on to her bunny ears.
'Tingle wonders where Link and Navi is. If they are down there please come up. Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'SHUT UP TINGLE!!!!' everyone except Bin-Laden yelled.
'Who the hell is Tingle?!' Bin-Laden asked. Everyone ignored him.
'Who said that?' Ellie asked.
'I should know, I'M from the real world,' Author said. 'That's Osama Bin-Laden. [double-take] ...Wait a sec, why is HE here?!'
'You should know, YOU'RE the author of this fanfic!' Ellie said.
'No I'm not, I'm Assistant Author. Well, at least in this fanfic. Normally I'm the Big Author, but I'm taking a break...'
'SHUT UP ABOUT AUTHORS!!!!' Bin-Laden yelled.
'What? That's what I am.'
'Look, I don't care whether you're an Author or the president of the United States!' Bin-Laden yelled. 'You're here, and I... Hey, you're an annoying fairy! They aren't allowed in here!'
'I never thought I'd agree with the world's most wanted man, but yeah!' Sara-Marie said. 'I put that sign up!'
'How could you?' Author asked sadly.
'I dunno. Ask the Bunny Bar suppliers.'
'Enough talk about suppliers and signs and annoying fairies!' Bin-Laden growled. 'I'm a terrorist, and I'm here to kill people!'
Five minutes later, Link, Navi, Author, Tingle, Austin, Ellie and Sara-Marie were all tied up on wooden chairs. Bin-Laden had got another bomb ready.
'Ha! Now you die as well as everyone else in this building!' he sneered.
'Mmi moammi mmml mou mam mav ms mou mz Mozzi mamd Moumoulz,' ~The only people who can save us now are Ozzy and Noodles,~ Link moaned. 'Mamd mey mar moutmide.' ~And they are outside.~
'Be quiet, you hostage!' Bin-Laden snapped. 'And your translator machine thing.'
'What's taking them so f***ing long?!' Ozzy muttered to himself. A loud meow rang out from the ground. He looked down. Noodles was pawing his leg.
'What do you you want?'
'Meow! Miaow meow mrrrrooow!'
'Oh please shut the f*** up.'
Noodles pawed his leg again, then ran over to the side of the Bunny Bar. He flicked his tail, as if to say "follow me".
'Fine then. But I ain't giving you any f***ing kitty kibble for this.' Ozzy ran after the Ragdoll cat.
When Noodles stopped, he meowed at a small window at the bottom of the building.
'What's so special about a f***ing window? Do you wanna s*** on it or something?'
Noodles shook his head, and pushed on the window.
'You want me to go through THAT? No way.'
'Meow.'
'Well, it's either in the f***ing front door or this way... I don't f***ing fancy getting stuck in a f***ing window.'
Ozzy scooped Noodles up and ran into the Bunny Bar.
'Ozzy Osbourne!!'
'What?'
'Ozzy Osbourne's in the building?! Well I never!'
The clubbers were amazed to see Ozzy in a dance club.
'I'm not in here to do any f***ing dancing, OK? I just have to see what this f***ing cat wants.' He pushed through the crowd, and saw a door with a Link-shaped hole.
'Meow!'
'Door number f***ing three? You sure?'
'Meow.'
'Whatever.' Ozzy went down into the pitch-black room.
'Who's there?' a strange voice asked.
'Who the f***ing hell are you?' Ozzy asked.
'Mozzi! Mi mure mope mou mav Moumoulz mear,' ~Ozzy! I sure hope you have Noodles there,~ Link cried.
'Sure I do, f***ing pretty-boy.'
'Mrrrrph. Mam mou met muz mout mov mear?' ~Hrrrrmf. Can you get us out of here?~
'Duh, that's what this f***ing cat said I had to f***ing do.'
'Mif mou midnt mo, Mosama Min-Madn mis min mis moom. ~If you didn't know, Osama Bin-Laden is in this room! Hellooo!~
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good thing I carry this with me,' Ozzy said, pulling a .44 from out of his boot (must have been a really big boot).
'Mear mim mou met mat?' ~Where did you get that?!~ Navi asked.
'Never mind where, I have to get f***ing Bin-Laden!' Ozzy yelled. He ran down the stairs, and saw Link, Navi, Author, Austin, Tingle, Ellie and Sara-Marie tied up on chairs. Bin-Laden was standing behind them, holding a remote control.
'Mi mish me mad mumthmimg mou met mi mof mise mairz!' ~I wish we had something to get us off these chairs!~ Navi yelled.
Noodles grew to the size of a Siberian tiger. A pitiful "mew" from him became a loud roar.
'o_O;; ?!?!?!' Bin-Laden wondered.
Noodles ran up to Link, and swiped the ropes off him in one swift movement. He got up, and untied his blindfold while Noodles cut the others' ropes.
Bin-Laden tried to run, but everyone with weapons cut him off (namely Link, Austin, Ozzy, Ellie, Author, Navi (fairies have magic, you know) and Noodles). Only Sara-Marie and Tingle stayed back.
'You aren't going anywhere!' Link yelled. He aimed his Light Arrow at Bin-Laden's heart.
'Yeah, you f***ing b****! We're finally gonna pay you back for all the stuff you've done in the past!' Ozzy agreed. He cocked the .44 and aimed at Bin-Laden's head.
'I may not have heard of you, baby, but you're a terrorist, just like Dr. Evil, and terrorists are bad!' Austin yelled. He aimed his handgun at... let's just say where the sun don't shine.
'Good will always triumph!' Author yelled. 'Well... in my fanfics at least. Don't know about the Big Author though...' She got out her big book of "super special author powers you are allowed to use" and found the "power to kill people" page.
'Well, if Bin-Laden doesn't die with all this firepower, then maybe I can change him into something harmless,' Navi said, holding up Link's bottle of gold dust (see Return to Hyrule for more info).
'Give that back!' Link yelled.
'After this.'
'RRRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!' Noodles gave a small meow, which grew to the size of a male tiger's roar. The Ragdoll cat sharpened his claws on the wall, and whipped his tail menacingly.
'Well... I may not have any actual weapons,' Ellie began, 'but I have my trunk, strength, and a really smelly fart.'
Everyone in the room cracked up laughing except Ellie.
'It's not funny! Seriously, it stinks so bad you'd wish you had a gas mask.'
Bin-Laden gulped. He DID forget his gas mask. Then he remembered his second bomb. He pulled it out from a crate.
'I'd drop those weapons, if I were you. Or I'd blow you up. And even if you DID fire, the bomb would still explode. The force would be too great. Don't ask how.'
Bin-Laden put the bomb down on the floor and set it to go off in one minute.
Everyone dropped their weapons.
'Well, I think that matter's resolved. I'll best be going now. I bid you adieu,' Bin-Laden said. He took out a smoke bomb and threw it.
When the smoke cleared he was still there.
'Uh, can someone blast me off through the window?' Bin-Laden asked.
'Sure, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said. He had no idea that Bin-Laden was a terrorist, since the Kokiri guy didn't live in the real world, and he had been playing his Tingle Tuner during the whole conversation.
Tingle walked up to Bin-Laden, who got up next to the small window, pushed it open then grabbed onto it. The little elf guy pushed and pushed, but Bin-Laden was stuck.
'Ha!' Link laughed, then everyone else laughed too. 'You're going to get blown up!'
'Die Link!' Bin-Laden hissed, struggling in the small window.
'Link, if you haven't noticed, there's only forty seconds left,' Navi warned.
'Oh, right. Evacuate!!' Link yelled. The group ran up the stairs.
'I'll set the alarm, OK guys?' Sara-Marie asked.
'Sure. Meet you outside.' Link and the others ran through the dancing crowd, shouting, 'There's a bomb! A BOMB!!!!'
Only a few people took any notice at all.
'Come on, you lazy b****es! There's a f***ing bomb in here and it's gonna f***ing blow!' Ozzy yelled.
Ellie trumpeted as the alarm started blearing.
Link, noticing the crowd's failure to take any notice at all, kicked the nearest dancing person. His leg went right through them.
'They're ghosts?!'
'No, holograms,' Sara-Marie said. 'Tell you after - there's like, fifteen seconds left!'
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE REAL AND SOLID, EVACUATE THE BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Link yelled as he led the small group that was tearing out of the Bunny Bar.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Big Author's note: I really went overboard there, didn't I?]
The furry pink roof of the Bunny Bar exploded into 100 billion or more hairs. The brick and timber walls crumbled into dust and woodchips. All the wine, beer and spirits that were in the fridge exploded and burst into flame.
'I DID IT!!!!' a familiar voice yelled from somewhere. Somewhere high.
Link looked up. Osama Bin-Laden was sitting on the top of a tall palm tree with a bottle of red wine in his left hand and an AK-47 in his right.
'Oh f***. Gave that away, didn't I?' Bin-Laden groaned.
'For the most wanted man on the planet, you're not very smart, are you?' Link asked.
'F***ing hell! There's the b****** again!' Ozzy yelled. He pulled out his .44 again.
'Ozzy, if you kill him, then how are we going to get him down?' Sara-Marie asked. 'He's got a sort of floor up there.'
'MRRRRROOOOOWWWW!!!!' Noodles roared. He scratched the palm tree Bin-Laden was perched in.
'Noodles, you need to scratch faster than that, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.
'I'll help,' Ellie said. She started ramming the tree with her head.
'We need something extra. Navi, can you wish me up an Iron Knuckle?' Link asked.
'(sigh) I wish for an Iron Knuckle.' Navi made the wish, and an Iron Knuckle appeared at the base of the tree.
'Attack this tree!' Link ordered to the Knuckle. It started hacking away at it with its giant axe.
'Er, Austin, you could try helping!' Ellie said. 'My head's getting tired.'
'Sorry, I don't have any groovy stuff to knock this groovy tree down, baby,' Austin said sadly.
'Navi, wish me up an Iron Knuckle without the Iron Knuckle,' Link said.
'You mean just the Knuckle's axe?' Navi asked.
'Yeah.'
Navi made a wish, and the axe appeared.
'Alright!' Link tried to grab it, but it was bigger than him. 'Er... maybe the Gauntlets will work.' He slipped the Golden Gauntlets on, and lifted the axe easily this time. He started chopping the tree.
It was a particularly wide palm tree, and those attacking it had only chopped quarter-way through the trunk.
'I sure wish Dr. Evil and Mumbo hadn't disintegrated Dag and Norb right now,' Navi said. Dag and Norb appeared at the side of the palm tree.
'This is nuts!' Dag yelled.
'I thought Mumbo got rid of you!' Link yelled as he swung the axe into the tree again.
'No, your fairy thing wished us back. Now wha- Chopping trees are you? No-one can do it faster than beavers!' Norb yelled, and the two beavers attacked the tree.
So now, Link (using an Iron Knuckle's axe), Noodles (using his giant claws), Ellie (using her now-aching head), an Iron Knuckle (using an Iron Knuckle's axe), and Dag and Norb (using their beaver teeth) were chopping the tree down.
'Hello, you mother-f***ing b****es! Does anyone care about killing f***ing Bin-Laden or are they worried about chopping this f***ing tree down?!' Ozzy yelled.
'Oh yeah, baby, almost forgot,' Austin said. Both he and Ozzy aimed their guns at Bin-Laden.
Bin-Laden laughed evilly, and unfolded a foldable hang-glider.
'?!?!?!' everyone wondered.
'Doesn't anyone care about stopping this fire or finding any survivors of the bomb?!' Navi yelled.
'No!' everyone except Author replied.
'Speaking of survivors, where's Mumbo?' Author wondered.
'I have no idea!' Link yelled.
'Don't have a f***ing clue,' Ozzy yelled.
'MEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWW,' Noodles yelled.
'Don't know, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle yelled.
'I don't know, baby,' Austin yelled.
'He's somewhere,' Sara-Marie yelled.
'He could be ANYWHERE,' Ellie yelled.
'HIYA!!!!' the Iron Knuckle yelled.
'Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!' Navi yelled, quoting the talking Malibu Stacey doll from The Simpsons.
'Don't know, don't care!' Dag and Norb yelled.
'He should be amongst the pile of rubble over there, all blown up in smithereens,' Osama Bin-Laden laughed evilly. In the time everyone had been talking, he had hitched himself into the hang-glider harness.
'Mumbo here is!' a familiar caveman-like voice yelled.
'MUMBO!!!!' everyone yelled except Bin-Laden (and the Iron Knuckle, Dag and Norb).
Mumbo Jumbo ran up to the small group. He had lots of what looked like pink fur on him. There was also a lot of dust, but it wasn't as noticeable.
'How did he survive?!' Bin-Laden wondered.
'Magic Mumbo did, he warp to outside Bunny Bar. Mumbo still get dirty, think?' Mumbo asked.
'You're very... fluffy,' Link smirked, then everyone cracked up laughing.
When the group had finished laughing, they returned their attention to Bin-Laden. Trouble was, Bin-Laden was gone.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's gone!' Ozzy yelled angrily. 'And I was looking forward to getting him...'
Austin took out his binoculars. He looked around in the sky, and saw a hang-glider zooming through the air, towards a mountain. 'He's heading for that mountain, yeah baby yeah.'
Everyone stopped their work on the tree.
'Iron Knuckle, you can go now,' Link said. The Iron Knuckle took Link's axe, nodded politely, clicked his fingers and disappeared into thin air.
'Dag and Norb, you can disappear too, or I'll get Mumbo to do it for ya.'
'Uh, we're going,' Dag said and they disappeared too.
'Okay. The matter of the Bunny Bar... let's go look through some rubble.'
As the small group looked through the ruins, Sara-Marie found something.
'It's the hologram machine!' she said.
'Thanks for reminding me - you were going to say why the people were just holograms,' Link said.
'Well... it's a long story, sort of.
I was on Rove [Live], talking about the pantomime the Big Bro 1 crew did a while ago. Rove asked me to do my bum-dance, and when I did, I somehow disappeared and found this building. It was called the Bunny Bar.
When I went in, there was no-one in sight. The food and drink was well-stocked, there were too many CDs to count, and the stage was set, but no-one was there. And since the bar was deep in the middle of a re-generating jungle, there was almost no hope of anyone to come for a drink.
Then I found this funny machine. When I turned it on, people appeared.
So I decided to make myself the owner of the Bar, and even though the people weren't real, I'd make some profit. I had been wondering if I would be able to get a plane back home when you guys came along.
'The only real people in there were you and your group, and me,' Sara-Marie concluded.
'Sara-Marie... er, do you mind if I call you Saria?' Link asked.
'o_O Don't you dare call me that!'
'Oh... okay then.'
As the group returned to the ruins, celebrating the fact that everyone real in the bar got out unscathed, a rustling came from the bushes.
'Huh?' Link wondered. He pulled his sword out and turned to face who/whatever was making the rustling.
A man came out from the bushes. He was in a suit, and carried a ledger with him.
'Who are you?' he asked Link.
'Who are you, and why are you here?' Link asked, ignoring the man's question.
'Me? I'm Ray Martin. The guy who's on A Current Affair.'
'Vaguely familiar...'
'You musn't be from Australia then,' Ray said.
'I'm not, but I drop in to see my friend sometimes.'
'Anyway, I'm here because... actually I'm not really sure. I was on holiday on a cruise ship in Bermuda, and I think we entered the Triangle. Somehow I ended up here in this jungle. Then I heard a big explosion, and when I came to look, you and your friends were here.'
'Friends? No, not all of them are friends,' Link said. 'But I'll introduce ya anyways... Navi, my guardian fairy. Author, the Assistant Author of this fanfic who is also my guardian fairy in "Wherever The Hell We Are". Tingle, the 40-something Kokiri guy who doesn't have a fairy. Noodles, my friend's cat (don't worry about his size, we can fix that up). Austin Powers, well I'm sure you know him. Ozzy Osbourne... self-explanatory. Mumbo Jumbo, the skull guy, he's the best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie/Tooie. Sara-Marie, she's the bum-dancing bunny-girl off Big Brother 1. Oh, and Ellie the pink elephant - don't ask. And finally, there's me - I'm Link, the Hero of Time.'
'Uh... let me write that down...' Ray fumbled in his jacket for a pen.
'So you want to know about the explosion? Well... Osama Bin-Laden was just here with a few bombs, and he blew Sara-Marie's Bunny Bar to "smithereens", as he called them. We all tried to stop him, but he got away.'
'Osama Bin-Laden?! How come HE'S here?!' Ray asked.
'He said he was hiding from George W. Bush, etc etc.'
'Uh-huh. And why is Sara-Marie and Ozzy here?'
'I don't know - you'll have to ask them.'
'One more thing -'
'Fire away.'
'Why am I here?!'
'I don't know, ask yourself that!'
Meanwhile, everyone was searching for remains of beer, food and the bomb.
'Hey! Here's a wire from the bomb!' Ellie yelled.
'I found a bit!' Ozzy yelled.
'Hey! There's a keg of Heine hidden in this bush!' Austin yelled. 'Groovy baby!'
'Will you make Noodles his normal size now?' Author asked Navi. 'He's trying to eat me!'
'Sure,' Navi replied. 'I wish Noodles was his normal size!' Noodles shrunk.
'Link, come over here and help!' Sara-Marie yelled.
'Oh, OK. Ray, you coming?' Link asked.
'Alright. It's not like I have anything else to do.' Ray sighed, then joined in the hunt for bodies, beer, food and bomb pieces.
'Tsk tsk. What have we here?' a voice asked.
Link pulled his sword out again and pointed it at where the voice had come from.
It was a judge. A court judge.
'Hello,' Link said.
'Don't point that at me,' the judge said. 'You don't want to be charged of any more crimes.'
'WHAT?!'
Everyone stopped digging and turned to face the judge.
'Yes, that's right. Someone reported that you and your group of misfits blew this dance club up with a bomb, and threatened people with swords, bows, firearms, magic, books filled with "author powers" or something like that, an elephant, a giant cat and constant swearing.' The judge looked at Link's sword, and the .44 on the ground next to Ozzy's leg.
'Hey! Don't threaten my hero!' Navi yelled. 'He saved Hyrule for crying out loud.'
'He did, did he? Well let's just see when we get you lot in court.' The judge whistled and a band of police sprinted out from the bushes and handcuffed everyone except Ellie, Noodles and the fairies. Instead, Ellie was tranquilised and heaved into a small cage with wheels, Noodles stuffed into a cat-carrier and Navi and Author were put into bottles.
The procession of "misfits" wasn't a happy sight as the judge led the way to a small path through the re-generating jungle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters In This Chapter
a snake (temporary)
Sara-Marie from Australian Big Brother 1
Osama Bin-Laden
an Iron Knuckle (temporary)
Dag and Norb (temporary)
Ray Martin from A Current Affair (an Australian TV show)
Court Judge (temporary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After an explosive time at the Bunny Bar, Link, Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin, Ellie, Ozzy, Mumbo and now Sara-Marie and Ray Martin, are travelling through the re-generating jungle with a court judge and several guards to a courtroom for the supposed task of blowing the Bunny Bar up when it was really Osama Bin-Laden who did it.
How are they going to get out of this mess? Who's going to be their lawyer? Will Navi ever get the blood off of her? Will Dag and Norb appear again? Where did Bin-Laden go? Who dobbed the gang in? Why was there a "No (James) Bonds" sign in the Bunny Bar? Will Sara-Marie teach Austin the bum-dance? Will Ozzy ever stop swearing? Will Austin get to use his mojo in this fanfic? How many times do you think Tingle will say Kooloo-Limpah? Will Author ever get to use her "super special author powers" for real? Where did Ellie actually come from? Since when does the Bermuda Triangle teleport people to "Wherever The Hell We Are"?
Will Link and Navi ever find their way out of this insane dream?!
The only way to find out many of the answers is to keep reading One Really Weird Dream!
Super Fun Happy Feature!
I guess you want hints for who stars in the next chapter...
So here they are!
Hint 1: What the!
Hint 2: but I like the peanut M&M's...
Hint 3: Jenny from the block
I think only Aussies would be able to pick up the first one, and then only if they watch a certain show... And the second one? Think about the M&M's.
Next Chapter: Tingle On Trial (Along With Everyone Else)
That was the longest chapter yet, which makes up for the lack of updates.
If you want to suggest your own Super Fun Happy Hints for up-coming chapters, email me with your ideas. Or put include them in a review, I don't care how you do it.
~~~
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Hi, I'm back again! Sorry it took so long - I had this written up for days but never got around to it until now - and I don't have much internet time left... anyway... this is the funniest chapter yet! But be prepared for a LOT more swearing (and not just from Ozzy either), several weapons of mass distraction (yes, that's DISTRACTION), a bit of violence, and a fairy-swallowing snake.
Chapter 3: Bunny Bar Bomb
'This is f***ing boring!' Ozzy yelled for the millionth time.
'WE KNOW OZZY!!!!' everyone else in the motley group yelled. They had been slashing their way through the re-generating jungle for half an hour.
'My f***ing legs are f***ing tired.'
'Well then Ellie can carry you,' Link said.
'No f***ing way!!!!'
'Mumbo angry. Ozzy not stop swearing,' Mumbo groaned yet again.
'Yeah baby. I've sworn lots of groovy times, but not THAT much, yeah baby yeah!' Austin commented.
'Meow!' Noodles scratched at Austin's leg.
'You want me to pick you up, you groovy pussy?' Austin heaved the cat into his arms. 'Crikey, you're heavy!'
'Shut up you mother-f***er,' Ozzy yelled.
'Okay, I'm taking bets on how much longer Ozzy's going to last in this jungle,' Link offered.
'Ten minutes,' Navi said.
'Ten seconds,' Author said.
'One second,' Link said.
'Ten hours, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.
'Ozzy last one minute, Mumbo think,' Mumbo said.
'I don't care,' Ellie said.
'Meow!' Noodles said.
'Five groovy seconds, baby yeah,' Austin said.
'All bets in? Right then, the fun starts now,' Link announced.
'SHUT THE F*** UP! I CAN'T TAKE YOU F***ING LOT NO MORE!!!! I'M OUT OF THIS F***ING JUNGLE!!!!' Ozzy yelled at once.
'Okay, that was one second. I win,' Link said.
Ozzy went over to Link and punched him in the face.
'What was that for?' Link asked, rubbing the new bruise on his nose.
'For being a stuffin' f***ing b****!'
'Was I that?' Link asked everyone else.
'No.'
'No way.'
'No baby yeah.'
'No, think Mumbo.'
'No, Kooloo-Limpah.'
'Meow.'
'No.'
'Yes, you f***ing b****!' Ozzy was fed up. 'I'm leaving!' He ran off through the dense jungle.
'Alright, but it's your fault if you get lost!' Link called.
They continued their slashing through the jungle.
Five seconds later...
Ozzy came back.
'Lost, are you?' Link joked.
'No, there's a f***ing snake there! And behind that there's a f***ing dance club! I can't stand the s***ty things.'
'A dance club? In the middle of a jungle?!' Link wondered. He hacked away at the vines in front of him, and sure enough, there was a large snake coiled up on the ground, and beyond that, a dance club.
'The "Bunny Bar". Doesn't sound THAT bad, does it?'
'Link, have you noticed the snake?' Navi asked. She hovered over to it. The long snake looked up and saw the fairy. With a large gulp the reptile swallowed Navi in one!
'NAVI!!!!' Link yelled. He ran over to the snake and stepped on it. The snake choked. 'A little help here? Navi is inside this snake, you know.'
Author came over and stepped on the snake. Nothing happened. 'We need someone bigger to step on it,' Link said.
Noodles came over and stepped on the snake. Nothing happened. 'Bigger.'
Tingle came over and stepped on the snake. The snake coughed. 'Bigger...'
Mumbo came over and stepped on the snake. The snake sneezed. 'Bigger, come on...'
Austin came over and stepped on the snake. Its head was really flat, but it still sneezed. 'BIGGER!! Ozzy?'
'Nuh-uh. I ain't touchin' no f***ing snake.'
'Fine then. Ellie, your turn. Everyone get back, this will get messy.'
Ellie came over and stepped on the snake. It was squished under the force of the elephant's foot, and blood spurted out in large blobs.
All that was left of the snake was a red scaly patch on the ground.
'Ewwwwwwww!' everyone said. Ellie took Link's Spring Water and splashed it on her foot to get rid of the blood.
'F***ing hell! The f***ing snake's a f***ing red patch on the f***ing ground now!' Ozzy yelled in disgust, even though he'd done some pretty disgusting things in his career himself.
'Where's Navi then?' Author asked. She examined the blood closer, despite it being so disgusting.
A big blob moved.
'Huh?'
'It's me, you idiot!'
Author flapped over to the large blood blob. It was Navi.
'Ewwwwwwww!' everyone said again.
'What just happened?' Navi asked.
'Trust me, you DON'T want to know,' Link said. Everyone nodded in agreement.
'Shouldn't she go have a wash? Can't have a blood-coloured fairy,' Author said.
'Good point. They'd probably have a bathroom in that dance club over there. Come on everyone,' Link said, and he walked into the club.
Ozzy still refused. He said he'd wait outside with Noodles.
When everyone else had gone into the club, Ozzy sat down on a fence and looked around. Trees, bushes and vines everywhere. Nothing but green everywhere except where the snake had been killed.
Something moved nearby. Ozzy turned to look.
A shadow was badly hidden behind a bunch of bushes.
'Hmmm,' Ozzy thought. 'Oh, maybe it's a f***ing clubber taking a smoke.' He turned his thoughts to other things.
'Wow! It's packed in here!' Link said, amazed at all the people in the club.
'I'm home, baby!' Austin said.
'No you're not. Home is a long way away from here, remember? Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'Oh yeah. That's right, baby.'
The small group walked over to the counter, where people in pyjamas and bunny ears served the drinks. Link went up to the nearest person.
'Hi. Like, where's the bathroom in here?' Link asked. The person didn't hear him - the music was really loud.
'Fine then, be that way.' Link looked around, and took notice of some other people dancing up on a small stage.
And he thought he recognised one of those people. It might just have been his imagination, but he had a feeling he'd seen that face on TV before...
Link went up to her and said, 'Hi there.'
'Um, hi, who are you?' the woman asked.
'I'm Link, Hero of Time.'
'Right. I'm Sara-Marie, and I own the Bunny Bar.'
'Sara-Marie from Big Brother?'
'That's me.'
'Cool! Can I have your autograph?' Link held up one of his Bunny Hoods.
'Sure.' Sara-Marie signed it:
Seez ya 'round sometime! Luv Sara-Marie, Aussie Big Brother star and Bunny Bar owner.
'Great! Lauren's going to be SO jealous!' Link shoved the Hood back into his bag. 'So, uh, where's the bathroom here?'
But Sara-Marie had someone else's attention by now.
'Come on Navi, we can find the bathroom on our own.' The two looked around the large room properly.
They were standing next to the main stage. People were having a few drinks at the bar and tables, or dancing out on the floor. There were a few doors next to a large screen showing flashy patterns.
'Hey look, there's doors over there,' Link said. 'Let's go.'
The Hylian and his Fairy left Austin and Ellie (who were dancing on the stage with Sara-Marie) to their dancing, Tingle and Author to their talking (they were sitting at the bar with some drunkos, including who looked and sounded like Barney from The Simpsons), and Noodles to his meowing at the front door (he wasn't allowed in), and weaved their way through the crowd, saying 'Excuse me' every two seconds.
As they got closer to the doors, a fight had started taking place. Two drunkos had tripped up a bunch of dancers, and they had gotten rather angry.
Insults and kicks flew. Link tried to get past them without being hurt, but he didn't see an oncoming punch.
WHAM!
'Link, you alright?' the still-bloodied Navi asked.
'I-I think so... just a hit to the head, that's all...' And he fainted for about a second. 'Okay, I'm fine. Now should we go pay those punks a lesson?'
'Don't-'
WHAM!
Link flew about ten feet through the air, crashing through one of the doors and falling halfway down a long, narrow staircase.
'Ow.'
'You alright, Link?' Navi asked.
'Yeah. I might need a Heart refill though.'
'I don't know if we can buy one of those here.'
'You nong! I DO have a bag, don't I?'
'Oh yeah.'
Link slowly got up and brushed his tunic off. He looked back at the door. There was a Link-shaped hole in it where he'd crashed through.
'Must be a pretty thin door,' he laughed. 'Well, if this is a bathroom, let's go take a look.'
Link and Navi went down the stairs. The room was almost pitch-black.
'Some bathroom. I sure hope this one is respectable,' Navi said. 'I don't want to get my skirt dirty.'
'It already is,' Link said, looking at the blood.
As they walked around aimlessly, trying to find the wall, Link tripped on something.
'Huh? What's this?'
He picked it up. It looked like some kind of bomb.
'A bomb. And it's armed,' Link said. 'Aaaahh!' He put it down so it wouldn't explode. Then he whipped out his sword and carefully cut the fuse, disarming it.
'Who in their right minds would leave a bomb in the basement of a dance club?' Navi wondered.
'I'D leave a bomb in the basement of a dance club,' a new voice sneered.
'Yeah baby! I love those groovy pyjamas,' Austin commented to Sara-Marie.
'Uh, thanks. They're my own line,' Sara-Marie informed. 'And, like, why is there a pink elephant in here? I thought animals weren't allowed in.'
'I have to travel with her. Long story, baby. And as for the groovy animals being in here, baby...' Austin took a closer look at the signs on the wall next to the bar. There was "No Smoking", "No Digimon", "No Annoying Fairies", "No Loud-Mouthed Red-Crested Breegulls", "No Bonds", "No Terrorists" and "No Fat Zora Kings".
'Hey! If James Bond isn't allowed in, then why am I in here, baby? We're both shagadelic spies, aren't we baby?' Austin wondered.
'I never put any of those signs there! Well, except the smoking, terrorist and annoying fairy signs, but none of the others,' Sara-Marie said.
'I wonder who did, baby. It might have been... Dr. Evil, and then again... maybe not. But I ain't here to solve a mystery, I'm here to party, yeah baby yeah!'
'Yeah, let's party!'
'Where's Link and Navi?' Ellie asked.
'Don't ask me baby, I haven't got a clue,' Austin replied.
'That's funny. They were here a minute ago...'
'Who are you?' Link asked the new person.
'Who are YOU, is the question,' the person replied. He had a foreign accent that Link couldn't place.
'I, for your big fat information, am Link, the Hero of Time. And this is my (annoying) fairy Navi. Any more questions? No? Then would you KINDLY like to tell me who you are?'
'That is my business, and my business alone.'
'Wise guy, eh? Smart-aleck, have we?' Navi asked. 'Do you know what we do to smart-alecks?' Link held the sword up.
'And do you know what happens to people who disarm my bombs?!' the person growled.
'Er, no,' Link said truthfully.
Navi hovered around the person. He wore a white turban and robe and had a black beard.
'You're... Osama Bin-Laden?!?! What are YOU doing in "Wherever The Hell We Are"?!' Link yelled in surprise.
'What do you think? This - did you call it "Wherever The Hell We Are"? - land is my new hideout. I don't think you'd need any help to work out who I'm hiding from, if you're smart enough.'
'And why did you put this bomb in the Bunny Bar?'
'It's my job. I'm a terrorist.'
'Right. [sarcastically] And I'm the president of the United States.'
'Then I'll kill you! Even though I was going to kill you anyway.'
'I was being sarcastic, duh! Can't you tell the difference? Oh no, you can't pick out a Hylian's accent.'
'You know, I do have a bunch of AK-47s here...' Bin-Laden pulled one out.
'And I have a sword, a bow, several Pokemon, an Ocarina and a wand, among lots of other stuff.'
'o_O Excuse me?'
'Long story. [sarcastic] Like I'm going to tell you!'
'You're living in the Middle Ages, you are! Swords!? How obsolete is that?'
'Not as obsolete as you think!' Link charged up his sword, and it glowed orange.
'Link, stop paying the guy out!' Navi said.
'He's the most wanted man in the world! I may not find this guy again! I HAVE to pay him out! And possibly kill him.'
'[sigh] Boys.'
'Well, if I'm the most wanted man on the planet, then why aren't I killing you right now?' Bin-Laden asked.
'Good point. But so what! Guns and missiles couldn't kill you, so I think my sword can do that efficiently.' Link got ready to release the charge, when the lights went on.
'Okay, what's happening? If Dr. Evil's down there, come over here with your groovy hands up, baby!' Austin yelled. He brandished his silver handgun as he stepped through the Link-shaped hole in the door.
'And if you're not Dr. Evil, I'll sit on you and squash you to the size of an ant!' Ellie trumpeted. She knocked the door down completely and stretched her trunk, as if itching to strangle someone.
'What's going on down there?' Sara-Marie asked. She held on to her bunny ears.
'Tingle wonders where Link and Navi is. If they are down there please come up. Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.
'SHUT UP TINGLE!!!!' everyone except Bin-Laden yelled.
'Who the hell is Tingle?!' Bin-Laden asked. Everyone ignored him.
'Who said that?' Ellie asked.
'I should know, I'M from the real world,' Author said. 'That's Osama Bin-Laden. [double-take] ...Wait a sec, why is HE here?!'
'You should know, YOU'RE the author of this fanfic!' Ellie said.
'No I'm not, I'm Assistant Author. Well, at least in this fanfic. Normally I'm the Big Author, but I'm taking a break...'
'SHUT UP ABOUT AUTHORS!!!!' Bin-Laden yelled.
'What? That's what I am.'
'Look, I don't care whether you're an Author or the president of the United States!' Bin-Laden yelled. 'You're here, and I... Hey, you're an annoying fairy! They aren't allowed in here!'
'I never thought I'd agree with the world's most wanted man, but yeah!' Sara-Marie said. 'I put that sign up!'
'How could you?' Author asked sadly.
'I dunno. Ask the Bunny Bar suppliers.'
'Enough talk about suppliers and signs and annoying fairies!' Bin-Laden growled. 'I'm a terrorist, and I'm here to kill people!'
Five minutes later, Link, Navi, Author, Tingle, Austin, Ellie and Sara-Marie were all tied up on wooden chairs. Bin-Laden had got another bomb ready.
'Ha! Now you die as well as everyone else in this building!' he sneered.
'Mmi moammi mmml mou mam mav ms mou mz Mozzi mamd Moumoulz,' ~The only people who can save us now are Ozzy and Noodles,~ Link moaned. 'Mamd mey mar moutmide.' ~And they are outside.~
'Be quiet, you hostage!' Bin-Laden snapped. 'And your translator machine thing.'
'What's taking them so f***ing long?!' Ozzy muttered to himself. A loud meow rang out from the ground. He looked down. Noodles was pawing his leg.
'What do you you want?'
'Meow! Miaow meow mrrrrooow!'
'Oh please shut the f*** up.'
Noodles pawed his leg again, then ran over to the side of the Bunny Bar. He flicked his tail, as if to say "follow me".
'Fine then. But I ain't giving you any f***ing kitty kibble for this.' Ozzy ran after the Ragdoll cat.
When Noodles stopped, he meowed at a small window at the bottom of the building.
'What's so special about a f***ing window? Do you wanna s*** on it or something?'
Noodles shook his head, and pushed on the window.
'You want me to go through THAT? No way.'
'Meow.'
'Well, it's either in the f***ing front door or this way... I don't f***ing fancy getting stuck in a f***ing window.'
Ozzy scooped Noodles up and ran into the Bunny Bar.
'Ozzy Osbourne!!'
'What?'
'Ozzy Osbourne's in the building?! Well I never!'
The clubbers were amazed to see Ozzy in a dance club.
'I'm not in here to do any f***ing dancing, OK? I just have to see what this f***ing cat wants.' He pushed through the crowd, and saw a door with a Link-shaped hole.
'Meow!'
'Door number f***ing three? You sure?'
'Meow.'
'Whatever.' Ozzy went down into the pitch-black room.
'Who's there?' a strange voice asked.
'Who the f***ing hell are you?' Ozzy asked.
'Mozzi! Mi mure mope mou mav Moumoulz mear,' ~Ozzy! I sure hope you have Noodles there,~ Link cried.
'Sure I do, f***ing pretty-boy.'
'Mrrrrph. Mam mou met muz mout mov mear?' ~Hrrrrmf. Can you get us out of here?~
'Duh, that's what this f***ing cat said I had to f***ing do.'
'Mif mou midnt mo, Mosama Min-Madn mis min mis moom. ~If you didn't know, Osama Bin-Laden is in this room! Hellooo!~
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good thing I carry this with me,' Ozzy said, pulling a .44 from out of his boot (must have been a really big boot).
'Mear mim mou met mat?' ~Where did you get that?!~ Navi asked.
'Never mind where, I have to get f***ing Bin-Laden!' Ozzy yelled. He ran down the stairs, and saw Link, Navi, Author, Austin, Tingle, Ellie and Sara-Marie tied up on chairs. Bin-Laden was standing behind them, holding a remote control.
'Mi mish me mad mumthmimg mou met mi mof mise mairz!' ~I wish we had something to get us off these chairs!~ Navi yelled.
Noodles grew to the size of a Siberian tiger. A pitiful "mew" from him became a loud roar.
'o_O;; ?!?!?!' Bin-Laden wondered.
Noodles ran up to Link, and swiped the ropes off him in one swift movement. He got up, and untied his blindfold while Noodles cut the others' ropes.
Bin-Laden tried to run, but everyone with weapons cut him off (namely Link, Austin, Ozzy, Ellie, Author, Navi (fairies have magic, you know) and Noodles). Only Sara-Marie and Tingle stayed back.
'You aren't going anywhere!' Link yelled. He aimed his Light Arrow at Bin-Laden's heart.
'Yeah, you f***ing b****! We're finally gonna pay you back for all the stuff you've done in the past!' Ozzy agreed. He cocked the .44 and aimed at Bin-Laden's head.
'I may not have heard of you, baby, but you're a terrorist, just like Dr. Evil, and terrorists are bad!' Austin yelled. He aimed his handgun at... let's just say where the sun don't shine.
'Good will always triumph!' Author yelled. 'Well... in my fanfics at least. Don't know about the Big Author though...' She got out her big book of "super special author powers you are allowed to use" and found the "power to kill people" page.
'Well, if Bin-Laden doesn't die with all this firepower, then maybe I can change him into something harmless,' Navi said, holding up Link's bottle of gold dust (see Return to Hyrule for more info).
'Give that back!' Link yelled.
'After this.'
'RRRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!' Noodles gave a small meow, which grew to the size of a male tiger's roar. The Ragdoll cat sharpened his claws on the wall, and whipped his tail menacingly.
'Well... I may not have any actual weapons,' Ellie began, 'but I have my trunk, strength, and a really smelly fart.'
Everyone in the room cracked up laughing except Ellie.
'It's not funny! Seriously, it stinks so bad you'd wish you had a gas mask.'
Bin-Laden gulped. He DID forget his gas mask. Then he remembered his second bomb. He pulled it out from a crate.
'I'd drop those weapons, if I were you. Or I'd blow you up. And even if you DID fire, the bomb would still explode. The force would be too great. Don't ask how.'
Bin-Laden put the bomb down on the floor and set it to go off in one minute.
Everyone dropped their weapons.
'Well, I think that matter's resolved. I'll best be going now. I bid you adieu,' Bin-Laden said. He took out a smoke bomb and threw it.
When the smoke cleared he was still there.
'Uh, can someone blast me off through the window?' Bin-Laden asked.
'Sure, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said. He had no idea that Bin-Laden was a terrorist, since the Kokiri guy didn't live in the real world, and he had been playing his Tingle Tuner during the whole conversation.
Tingle walked up to Bin-Laden, who got up next to the small window, pushed it open then grabbed onto it. The little elf guy pushed and pushed, but Bin-Laden was stuck.
'Ha!' Link laughed, then everyone else laughed too. 'You're going to get blown up!'
'Die Link!' Bin-Laden hissed, struggling in the small window.
'Link, if you haven't noticed, there's only forty seconds left,' Navi warned.
'Oh, right. Evacuate!!' Link yelled. The group ran up the stairs.
'I'll set the alarm, OK guys?' Sara-Marie asked.
'Sure. Meet you outside.' Link and the others ran through the dancing crowd, shouting, 'There's a bomb! A BOMB!!!!'
Only a few people took any notice at all.
'Come on, you lazy b****es! There's a f***ing bomb in here and it's gonna f***ing blow!' Ozzy yelled.
Ellie trumpeted as the alarm started blearing.
Link, noticing the crowd's failure to take any notice at all, kicked the nearest dancing person. His leg went right through them.
'They're ghosts?!'
'No, holograms,' Sara-Marie said. 'Tell you after - there's like, fifteen seconds left!'
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE REAL AND SOLID, EVACUATE THE BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Link yelled as he led the small group that was tearing out of the Bunny Bar.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Big Author's note: I really went overboard there, didn't I?]
The furry pink roof of the Bunny Bar exploded into 100 billion or more hairs. The brick and timber walls crumbled into dust and woodchips. All the wine, beer and spirits that were in the fridge exploded and burst into flame.
'I DID IT!!!!' a familiar voice yelled from somewhere. Somewhere high.
Link looked up. Osama Bin-Laden was sitting on the top of a tall palm tree with a bottle of red wine in his left hand and an AK-47 in his right.
'Oh f***. Gave that away, didn't I?' Bin-Laden groaned.
'For the most wanted man on the planet, you're not very smart, are you?' Link asked.
'F***ing hell! There's the b****** again!' Ozzy yelled. He pulled out his .44 again.
'Ozzy, if you kill him, then how are we going to get him down?' Sara-Marie asked. 'He's got a sort of floor up there.'
'MRRRRROOOOOWWWW!!!!' Noodles roared. He scratched the palm tree Bin-Laden was perched in.
'Noodles, you need to scratch faster than that, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.
'I'll help,' Ellie said. She started ramming the tree with her head.
'We need something extra. Navi, can you wish me up an Iron Knuckle?' Link asked.
'(sigh) I wish for an Iron Knuckle.' Navi made the wish, and an Iron Knuckle appeared at the base of the tree.
'Attack this tree!' Link ordered to the Knuckle. It started hacking away at it with its giant axe.
'Er, Austin, you could try helping!' Ellie said. 'My head's getting tired.'
'Sorry, I don't have any groovy stuff to knock this groovy tree down, baby,' Austin said sadly.
'Navi, wish me up an Iron Knuckle without the Iron Knuckle,' Link said.
'You mean just the Knuckle's axe?' Navi asked.
'Yeah.'
Navi made a wish, and the axe appeared.
'Alright!' Link tried to grab it, but it was bigger than him. 'Er... maybe the Gauntlets will work.' He slipped the Golden Gauntlets on, and lifted the axe easily this time. He started chopping the tree.
It was a particularly wide palm tree, and those attacking it had only chopped quarter-way through the trunk.
'I sure wish Dr. Evil and Mumbo hadn't disintegrated Dag and Norb right now,' Navi said. Dag and Norb appeared at the side of the palm tree.
'This is nuts!' Dag yelled.
'I thought Mumbo got rid of you!' Link yelled as he swung the axe into the tree again.
'No, your fairy thing wished us back. Now wha- Chopping trees are you? No-one can do it faster than beavers!' Norb yelled, and the two beavers attacked the tree.
So now, Link (using an Iron Knuckle's axe), Noodles (using his giant claws), Ellie (using her now-aching head), an Iron Knuckle (using an Iron Knuckle's axe), and Dag and Norb (using their beaver teeth) were chopping the tree down.
'Hello, you mother-f***ing b****es! Does anyone care about killing f***ing Bin-Laden or are they worried about chopping this f***ing tree down?!' Ozzy yelled.
'Oh yeah, baby, almost forgot,' Austin said. Both he and Ozzy aimed their guns at Bin-Laden.
Bin-Laden laughed evilly, and unfolded a foldable hang-glider.
'?!?!?!' everyone wondered.
'Doesn't anyone care about stopping this fire or finding any survivors of the bomb?!' Navi yelled.
'No!' everyone except Author replied.
'Speaking of survivors, where's Mumbo?' Author wondered.
'I have no idea!' Link yelled.
'Don't have a f***ing clue,' Ozzy yelled.
'MEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWW,' Noodles yelled.
'Don't know, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle yelled.
'I don't know, baby,' Austin yelled.
'He's somewhere,' Sara-Marie yelled.
'He could be ANYWHERE,' Ellie yelled.
'HIYA!!!!' the Iron Knuckle yelled.
'Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!' Navi yelled, quoting the talking Malibu Stacey doll from The Simpsons.
'Don't know, don't care!' Dag and Norb yelled.
'He should be amongst the pile of rubble over there, all blown up in smithereens,' Osama Bin-Laden laughed evilly. In the time everyone had been talking, he had hitched himself into the hang-glider harness.
'Mumbo here is!' a familiar caveman-like voice yelled.
'MUMBO!!!!' everyone yelled except Bin-Laden (and the Iron Knuckle, Dag and Norb).
Mumbo Jumbo ran up to the small group. He had lots of what looked like pink fur on him. There was also a lot of dust, but it wasn't as noticeable.
'How did he survive?!' Bin-Laden wondered.
'Magic Mumbo did, he warp to outside Bunny Bar. Mumbo still get dirty, think?' Mumbo asked.
'You're very... fluffy,' Link smirked, then everyone cracked up laughing.
When the group had finished laughing, they returned their attention to Bin-Laden. Trouble was, Bin-Laden was gone.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's gone!' Ozzy yelled angrily. 'And I was looking forward to getting him...'
Austin took out his binoculars. He looked around in the sky, and saw a hang-glider zooming through the air, towards a mountain. 'He's heading for that mountain, yeah baby yeah.'
Everyone stopped their work on the tree.
'Iron Knuckle, you can go now,' Link said. The Iron Knuckle took Link's axe, nodded politely, clicked his fingers and disappeared into thin air.
'Dag and Norb, you can disappear too, or I'll get Mumbo to do it for ya.'
'Uh, we're going,' Dag said and they disappeared too.
'Okay. The matter of the Bunny Bar... let's go look through some rubble.'
As the small group looked through the ruins, Sara-Marie found something.
'It's the hologram machine!' she said.
'Thanks for reminding me - you were going to say why the people were just holograms,' Link said.
'Well... it's a long story, sort of.
I was on Rove [Live], talking about the pantomime the Big Bro 1 crew did a while ago. Rove asked me to do my bum-dance, and when I did, I somehow disappeared and found this building. It was called the Bunny Bar.
When I went in, there was no-one in sight. The food and drink was well-stocked, there were too many CDs to count, and the stage was set, but no-one was there. And since the bar was deep in the middle of a re-generating jungle, there was almost no hope of anyone to come for a drink.
Then I found this funny machine. When I turned it on, people appeared.
So I decided to make myself the owner of the Bar, and even though the people weren't real, I'd make some profit. I had been wondering if I would be able to get a plane back home when you guys came along.
'The only real people in there were you and your group, and me,' Sara-Marie concluded.
'Sara-Marie... er, do you mind if I call you Saria?' Link asked.
'o_O Don't you dare call me that!'
'Oh... okay then.'
As the group returned to the ruins, celebrating the fact that everyone real in the bar got out unscathed, a rustling came from the bushes.
'Huh?' Link wondered. He pulled his sword out and turned to face who/whatever was making the rustling.
A man came out from the bushes. He was in a suit, and carried a ledger with him.
'Who are you?' he asked Link.
'Who are you, and why are you here?' Link asked, ignoring the man's question.
'Me? I'm Ray Martin. The guy who's on A Current Affair.'
'Vaguely familiar...'
'You musn't be from Australia then,' Ray said.
'I'm not, but I drop in to see my friend sometimes.'
'Anyway, I'm here because... actually I'm not really sure. I was on holiday on a cruise ship in Bermuda, and I think we entered the Triangle. Somehow I ended up here in this jungle. Then I heard a big explosion, and when I came to look, you and your friends were here.'
'Friends? No, not all of them are friends,' Link said. 'But I'll introduce ya anyways... Navi, my guardian fairy. Author, the Assistant Author of this fanfic who is also my guardian fairy in "Wherever The Hell We Are". Tingle, the 40-something Kokiri guy who doesn't have a fairy. Noodles, my friend's cat (don't worry about his size, we can fix that up). Austin Powers, well I'm sure you know him. Ozzy Osbourne... self-explanatory. Mumbo Jumbo, the skull guy, he's the best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie/Tooie. Sara-Marie, she's the bum-dancing bunny-girl off Big Brother 1. Oh, and Ellie the pink elephant - don't ask. And finally, there's me - I'm Link, the Hero of Time.'
'Uh... let me write that down...' Ray fumbled in his jacket for a pen.
'So you want to know about the explosion? Well... Osama Bin-Laden was just here with a few bombs, and he blew Sara-Marie's Bunny Bar to "smithereens", as he called them. We all tried to stop him, but he got away.'
'Osama Bin-Laden?! How come HE'S here?!' Ray asked.
'He said he was hiding from George W. Bush, etc etc.'
'Uh-huh. And why is Sara-Marie and Ozzy here?'
'I don't know - you'll have to ask them.'
'One more thing -'
'Fire away.'
'Why am I here?!'
'I don't know, ask yourself that!'
Meanwhile, everyone was searching for remains of beer, food and the bomb.
'Hey! Here's a wire from the bomb!' Ellie yelled.
'I found a bit!' Ozzy yelled.
'Hey! There's a keg of Heine hidden in this bush!' Austin yelled. 'Groovy baby!'
'Will you make Noodles his normal size now?' Author asked Navi. 'He's trying to eat me!'
'Sure,' Navi replied. 'I wish Noodles was his normal size!' Noodles shrunk.
'Link, come over here and help!' Sara-Marie yelled.
'Oh, OK. Ray, you coming?' Link asked.
'Alright. It's not like I have anything else to do.' Ray sighed, then joined in the hunt for bodies, beer, food and bomb pieces.
'Tsk tsk. What have we here?' a voice asked.
Link pulled his sword out again and pointed it at where the voice had come from.
It was a judge. A court judge.
'Hello,' Link said.
'Don't point that at me,' the judge said. 'You don't want to be charged of any more crimes.'
'WHAT?!'
Everyone stopped digging and turned to face the judge.
'Yes, that's right. Someone reported that you and your group of misfits blew this dance club up with a bomb, and threatened people with swords, bows, firearms, magic, books filled with "author powers" or something like that, an elephant, a giant cat and constant swearing.' The judge looked at Link's sword, and the .44 on the ground next to Ozzy's leg.
'Hey! Don't threaten my hero!' Navi yelled. 'He saved Hyrule for crying out loud.'
'He did, did he? Well let's just see when we get you lot in court.' The judge whistled and a band of police sprinted out from the bushes and handcuffed everyone except Ellie, Noodles and the fairies. Instead, Ellie was tranquilised and heaved into a small cage with wheels, Noodles stuffed into a cat-carrier and Navi and Author were put into bottles.
The procession of "misfits" wasn't a happy sight as the judge led the way to a small path through the re-generating jungle.
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New Characters In This Chapter
a snake (temporary)
Sara-Marie from Australian Big Brother 1
Osama Bin-Laden
an Iron Knuckle (temporary)
Dag and Norb (temporary)
Ray Martin from A Current Affair (an Australian TV show)
Court Judge (temporary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After an explosive time at the Bunny Bar, Link, Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin, Ellie, Ozzy, Mumbo and now Sara-Marie and Ray Martin, are travelling through the re-generating jungle with a court judge and several guards to a courtroom for the supposed task of blowing the Bunny Bar up when it was really Osama Bin-Laden who did it.
How are they going to get out of this mess? Who's going to be their lawyer? Will Navi ever get the blood off of her? Will Dag and Norb appear again? Where did Bin-Laden go? Who dobbed the gang in? Why was there a "No (James) Bonds" sign in the Bunny Bar? Will Sara-Marie teach Austin the bum-dance? Will Ozzy ever stop swearing? Will Austin get to use his mojo in this fanfic? How many times do you think Tingle will say Kooloo-Limpah? Will Author ever get to use her "super special author powers" for real? Where did Ellie actually come from? Since when does the Bermuda Triangle teleport people to "Wherever The Hell We Are"?
Will Link and Navi ever find their way out of this insane dream?!
The only way to find out many of the answers is to keep reading One Really Weird Dream!
Super Fun Happy Feature!
I guess you want hints for who stars in the next chapter...
So here they are!
Hint 1: What the!
Hint 2: but I like the peanut M&M's...
Hint 3: Jenny from the block
I think only Aussies would be able to pick up the first one, and then only if they watch a certain show... And the second one? Think about the M&M's.
Next Chapter: Tingle On Trial (Along With Everyone Else)
That was the longest chapter yet, which makes up for the lack of updates.
If you want to suggest your own Super Fun Happy Hints for up-coming chapters, email me with your ideas. Or put include them in a review, I don't care how you do it.
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