Wufei and the Shanghai Terror
Author: Gina Lin
Genre: Humor
Pairing: 5+S
Warnings: Language
Rating: Pg-13
Chapter One
(Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't sue, Don't make me have to get medieval on your behind!)
Sally clasped her hands together like a happy child as everyone yelled, "Surprise!"
"A surprise party!" she gasped, looking around at the faces of her friends. She bent over the candles glowing on the large chocolate cake and blew them out.
"See, Wu-chan, I told you she'd like it," said Duo to a slightly scowling Wufei.
"No, ben dan, I told you I hate surprise parties," said Wufei. "Sally, however loves them, which is why I'm tolerating this nonsense."
"Aren't you glad we didn't let Mr. Kill-joy here set it all up?" asked Duo, looking at Sally.
"Oh, Wufei just hates surprises," said Sally, reaching over and giving her husband a small kiss.
"Yes, so don't get any ideas about doing this to me," he said grumpily, but returned the kiss.
"Oh, heaven forbid!" said Sally in mock horror, holding up her hands.
Quatre smiled at them, and Trowa folded his arms, raising one brow.
"Let's open the presents first," said Relena, handing Sally a green and silver box. The box had holes in the top, oddly enough.
"I wonder what it could be?" asked Sally, starting to shake the box a little.
"Careful!" said Relena anxiously. "It's um, fragile."
"Oh, okay," said Sally, beginning to tear off the green and silver paper and the big silver bow.
As she opened the box, an odd sound greeted her ears.
"Niiiiyau!"
"It's a kitten!" said Sally, delightedly. "A beautiful Siamese kitten!"
Relena glowed. "I knew you've been wanting another cat since Ping died," said the blond young woman.
"Ping?" said Wufei, eyeing the small ball of fur.
"Yes, Ping was my cat. I'd had him for years; he finally died of old age a few years ago. He was my kitty when I was a little girl."
Relena reached over and tickled the kitten under its chin, and it batted at her finger. "Her pedigreed name is Shanghai Lu, but of course, you can name her anything you want."
"Shanghai Lu," mused Sally. "I like it."
"There's food, litter, and everything else you'll need, too," said Relena. "I hope you enjoy her."
"I will," said Sally, picking up the beige and chocolate kitten and nuzzling it.
"Do you want to pet her?" Sally asked Wufei, who was stilly eyeing the kitten a bit apprehensively.
"Well, all right," he said reluctantly. He reached out to pet the kitten. Shanghai Lu hissed at him and with lightening speed, sunk her tiny claws into the back of his hand.
"Kisama!" Wufei yelled, pulling back his hand. Four lines of blood began to well up on his hand.
"You must have startled her," said Sally, handing the kitten to Relena. The kitten relaxed and began to purr on Relena's blue clad lap.
"Let's go wash those scratches and put something on them," suggested Sally, tugging him towards the kitchen.
"What about the rest of the presents?" asked Hilde, following them through the doorway.
"Oh, we'll get to it later," said Sally, dabbing something stingy on Wufei's hand, making him wince slightly.
"Just have Duo cut the cake and serve the champagne," said Sally, grinning. "That'll get everyone in the right mood."
"Okay," said Hilde. "Duo, go ahead and cut the cake," she called over her shoulder.
"Yippee!" said Duo, brandishing a large carving knife with a Zorro-like flourish.
"Watch the knife, baka!" growled Heero, who was standing next to him.
"You need a haircut anyway," said Duo, smirking at him and swishing the knife near his unruly locks.
Sally and Wufei came back into the room in time to see Heero pinning Duo's arms behind his back and taking the knife away as Duo howled in protest. He handed it to Relena, who proceeded to cut and serve the cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"That beast hates me," said Wufei, regarding the small tear in the bottom of his silk pajama bottoms.
"Nonsense," said Sally, sliding into bed and yawning. "She's just frightened of you."
"She should be," grumbled Wufei. "These are my favorite pajamas!"
"You should try making friends with her," said Sally. "She likes those little cat treats made of dried chicken."
"Bribing the enemy is for weaklings," Wufei stated, sitting down and taking off his slippers.
"You'll never make friends with her with that attitude!" admonished Sally.
"Friends?" he said, lying down. "The best we can hope for is an uneasy truce. She leaves my things undefiled, and I promise not to run her through."
"Wufei!" said Sally.
Just then, the subject of the conversation glided into the room and hopped up on the bed.
"Off!" said Wufei. Shanghai Lu regarded him with unblinking eyes, unperturbed and began to lick a front paw.
"I said 'OFF,!'" yelled Wufei, making a shooing motion with his hands.
The half-grown kitten continued to regard him with an almost human expression of disdain.
"Here, Lu," called Sally, holding out her hand. The kitten ran over to her and rubbed her head against Sally's outstretched fingers. The kitten curled up against Sally as she lay down, purring loudly.
"Damned creature hates me," muttered Wufei as he reached over to kiss Sally good night.
"Ai ya!" yelled Wufei as Lu clawed his arm, then ran under the bed.
Wufei held out his arm and pushing up his now ragged pajama sleeve, regarded the four parallel gouges.
"That's it!" he yelled, jumping out of bed. "Prepare to taste my steel, wretched beast!"
He reached for his katana, which was hanging on the wall.
"Wufei!" hissed Sally. "She's just a little kitten. She's playful, she gets carried away. I'll get you new pajamas!"
"Little kitten?" he said incredulously, turning around. He held out his slightly bleeding arm. "Look at that! Playful little kittens do not nearly rip someone's arm off!"
"You're exaggerating," said Sally, rolling her eyes at him. "It's just a few scratches. Go wash them and come back to bed."
"You care more for that wretched ball of fur than you do me," Wufei pouted, stalking off to the bathroom.
"I do not!" retorted Sally.
"Its not too bad, is it?" asked Sally wincing a little, hearing him curse, banging cabinet doors and rustling around.
"Mei hao*!" he said sarcastically, displaying his now clumsily bandaged arm. (*I'm fine!)
"Here, let me fix that," said Sally in a conciliatory tone.
"It's the least you can do for allowing that fiend to attack me!" he grumbled.
He held out his arm and raised his eyebrows.
Sally smothered a grin and proceeded to quickly re-bandage his arm quickly and efficiently.
"All better now?" she asked.
"It's fine," he said, abruptly pulling back the bed covers and sliding in.
"Sure?" said Sally. "Need some morphine or something?" She smirked at his rigid back.
"FEH!" said Wufei, folding his arms and closing his eyes.
"Well, I could kiss it and make it better," she teased.
She slid an arm around him and kissed him on the ear.
"That is not where I am injured," he said quietly, noticeably relaxing his rigid posture.
"I'll get there, eventually," said Sally, chuckling, reaching over and turning off the light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wufei awoke the next morning with heavy feeling on his chest.
"What the.?" as he looked into two blue eyes mere inches from his own.
They were not his wife's.
"AHH!" he yelled, flinching back from what sad experience had taught him was certain pain.
"What's wrong?" exclaimed Sally, running in from the bathroom, her hair dripping.
"Nothing," said Wufei, feeling stupid. There was no trace of his feline tormentor.
"Did you have a nightmare?" asked Sally, bending over to wrap her hair in a towel.
"That must have been it," said Wufei, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."
"I'm all right now," he said, looking around. He knelt down and looked under the bed.
"Looking for the boogey-man?" asked Sally, bending over to be eye level with him. She grinned.
He scowled at her. "No, he said shortly. "My slippers."
"Right here," she said, reaching under the bed for one, pulling it out and dangling it from a finger. He snatched it from her hand.
He felt around for the other one, and his hand encountered something that was warm, furry, pointed and definitely not his slipper.
"Ai ya!" he yelled, pulling back his hand. There were four gouges on the back of his hand.
"You've got to quit scaring the cat, dear," said Sally, taking his hand and examining the scratches.
"It would take a nuclear explosion to scare that demon spawn!" he grumbled, pulling back his hand.
"Wufei!" Sally said, shaking her head. "Lu is a small predator. If you react with hostility, she will be afraid of you and act defensively. It's as simple as that."
"You forgot one important fact," he stated, folding his arms and glaring at her.
"What?"
"That she-beast from the ninth hell hates me."
"Wufei!"
"No arguments!" he said, standing up.
"I cannot live in the same house with that creature!"
"I can't believe you're being so unreasonable!"
"When I come home, that abomination had better be gone!" he stalked off to the bathroom.
"I can't just get rid of her that easily!" protested Sally. "And, she was a gift. Think of how hurt Relena will be if I do that? And you know when Relena is upset, Heero is NOT happy either!"
Wufei paused. "Very well," he said. "You have 2 weeks to make suitable arrangements. After that I will deal with it myself!" He closed the bathroom door.
"Who died and left you emperor?" demanded Sally, to the door.
"Here Lu, here kitty," Sally said, on her knees, sticking her head under the bed.
"Niyaaaou!" said the Siamese terror, gracefully gliding out from under the bed and rubbing noses with her beloved mistress.
"Why can't you be nicer to Wufei?" she asked, picking up the cat and stroking it behind the ears. Shanghai Lu purred loudly and rubbed her head against Sally's fingers.
"I'll give you a big shrimp for dinner if you quit scratching him, okay?" Sally pleaded in that high, silly voice people reserve for speaking to pets and infants.
"You have to be a good kitty from now on or Wufei will make a rug out of you," she went on.
"Niyaaaou!" said Lu.
"Yes, I know, he's cranky, but he can be nice if you pet his tummy a little," said Sally.
"That's probably why you don't get along," Sally sighed, putting the cat down on the bed to finish dressing. "You're too much alike."
The cat put her nose in the air and walked off. "Sorry," said Sally. "I didn't mean to insult you." She grinned.
"Exactly alike."
Author: Gina Lin
Genre: Humor
Pairing: 5+S
Warnings: Language
Rating: Pg-13
Chapter One
(Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't sue, Don't make me have to get medieval on your behind!)
Sally clasped her hands together like a happy child as everyone yelled, "Surprise!"
"A surprise party!" she gasped, looking around at the faces of her friends. She bent over the candles glowing on the large chocolate cake and blew them out.
"See, Wu-chan, I told you she'd like it," said Duo to a slightly scowling Wufei.
"No, ben dan, I told you I hate surprise parties," said Wufei. "Sally, however loves them, which is why I'm tolerating this nonsense."
"Aren't you glad we didn't let Mr. Kill-joy here set it all up?" asked Duo, looking at Sally.
"Oh, Wufei just hates surprises," said Sally, reaching over and giving her husband a small kiss.
"Yes, so don't get any ideas about doing this to me," he said grumpily, but returned the kiss.
"Oh, heaven forbid!" said Sally in mock horror, holding up her hands.
Quatre smiled at them, and Trowa folded his arms, raising one brow.
"Let's open the presents first," said Relena, handing Sally a green and silver box. The box had holes in the top, oddly enough.
"I wonder what it could be?" asked Sally, starting to shake the box a little.
"Careful!" said Relena anxiously. "It's um, fragile."
"Oh, okay," said Sally, beginning to tear off the green and silver paper and the big silver bow.
As she opened the box, an odd sound greeted her ears.
"Niiiiyau!"
"It's a kitten!" said Sally, delightedly. "A beautiful Siamese kitten!"
Relena glowed. "I knew you've been wanting another cat since Ping died," said the blond young woman.
"Ping?" said Wufei, eyeing the small ball of fur.
"Yes, Ping was my cat. I'd had him for years; he finally died of old age a few years ago. He was my kitty when I was a little girl."
Relena reached over and tickled the kitten under its chin, and it batted at her finger. "Her pedigreed name is Shanghai Lu, but of course, you can name her anything you want."
"Shanghai Lu," mused Sally. "I like it."
"There's food, litter, and everything else you'll need, too," said Relena. "I hope you enjoy her."
"I will," said Sally, picking up the beige and chocolate kitten and nuzzling it.
"Do you want to pet her?" Sally asked Wufei, who was stilly eyeing the kitten a bit apprehensively.
"Well, all right," he said reluctantly. He reached out to pet the kitten. Shanghai Lu hissed at him and with lightening speed, sunk her tiny claws into the back of his hand.
"Kisama!" Wufei yelled, pulling back his hand. Four lines of blood began to well up on his hand.
"You must have startled her," said Sally, handing the kitten to Relena. The kitten relaxed and began to purr on Relena's blue clad lap.
"Let's go wash those scratches and put something on them," suggested Sally, tugging him towards the kitchen.
"What about the rest of the presents?" asked Hilde, following them through the doorway.
"Oh, we'll get to it later," said Sally, dabbing something stingy on Wufei's hand, making him wince slightly.
"Just have Duo cut the cake and serve the champagne," said Sally, grinning. "That'll get everyone in the right mood."
"Okay," said Hilde. "Duo, go ahead and cut the cake," she called over her shoulder.
"Yippee!" said Duo, brandishing a large carving knife with a Zorro-like flourish.
"Watch the knife, baka!" growled Heero, who was standing next to him.
"You need a haircut anyway," said Duo, smirking at him and swishing the knife near his unruly locks.
Sally and Wufei came back into the room in time to see Heero pinning Duo's arms behind his back and taking the knife away as Duo howled in protest. He handed it to Relena, who proceeded to cut and serve the cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"That beast hates me," said Wufei, regarding the small tear in the bottom of his silk pajama bottoms.
"Nonsense," said Sally, sliding into bed and yawning. "She's just frightened of you."
"She should be," grumbled Wufei. "These are my favorite pajamas!"
"You should try making friends with her," said Sally. "She likes those little cat treats made of dried chicken."
"Bribing the enemy is for weaklings," Wufei stated, sitting down and taking off his slippers.
"You'll never make friends with her with that attitude!" admonished Sally.
"Friends?" he said, lying down. "The best we can hope for is an uneasy truce. She leaves my things undefiled, and I promise not to run her through."
"Wufei!" said Sally.
Just then, the subject of the conversation glided into the room and hopped up on the bed.
"Off!" said Wufei. Shanghai Lu regarded him with unblinking eyes, unperturbed and began to lick a front paw.
"I said 'OFF,!'" yelled Wufei, making a shooing motion with his hands.
The half-grown kitten continued to regard him with an almost human expression of disdain.
"Here, Lu," called Sally, holding out her hand. The kitten ran over to her and rubbed her head against Sally's outstretched fingers. The kitten curled up against Sally as she lay down, purring loudly.
"Damned creature hates me," muttered Wufei as he reached over to kiss Sally good night.
"Ai ya!" yelled Wufei as Lu clawed his arm, then ran under the bed.
Wufei held out his arm and pushing up his now ragged pajama sleeve, regarded the four parallel gouges.
"That's it!" he yelled, jumping out of bed. "Prepare to taste my steel, wretched beast!"
He reached for his katana, which was hanging on the wall.
"Wufei!" hissed Sally. "She's just a little kitten. She's playful, she gets carried away. I'll get you new pajamas!"
"Little kitten?" he said incredulously, turning around. He held out his slightly bleeding arm. "Look at that! Playful little kittens do not nearly rip someone's arm off!"
"You're exaggerating," said Sally, rolling her eyes at him. "It's just a few scratches. Go wash them and come back to bed."
"You care more for that wretched ball of fur than you do me," Wufei pouted, stalking off to the bathroom.
"I do not!" retorted Sally.
"Its not too bad, is it?" asked Sally wincing a little, hearing him curse, banging cabinet doors and rustling around.
"Mei hao*!" he said sarcastically, displaying his now clumsily bandaged arm. (*I'm fine!)
"Here, let me fix that," said Sally in a conciliatory tone.
"It's the least you can do for allowing that fiend to attack me!" he grumbled.
He held out his arm and raised his eyebrows.
Sally smothered a grin and proceeded to quickly re-bandage his arm quickly and efficiently.
"All better now?" she asked.
"It's fine," he said, abruptly pulling back the bed covers and sliding in.
"Sure?" said Sally. "Need some morphine or something?" She smirked at his rigid back.
"FEH!" said Wufei, folding his arms and closing his eyes.
"Well, I could kiss it and make it better," she teased.
She slid an arm around him and kissed him on the ear.
"That is not where I am injured," he said quietly, noticeably relaxing his rigid posture.
"I'll get there, eventually," said Sally, chuckling, reaching over and turning off the light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wufei awoke the next morning with heavy feeling on his chest.
"What the.?" as he looked into two blue eyes mere inches from his own.
They were not his wife's.
"AHH!" he yelled, flinching back from what sad experience had taught him was certain pain.
"What's wrong?" exclaimed Sally, running in from the bathroom, her hair dripping.
"Nothing," said Wufei, feeling stupid. There was no trace of his feline tormentor.
"Did you have a nightmare?" asked Sally, bending over to wrap her hair in a towel.
"That must have been it," said Wufei, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."
"I'm all right now," he said, looking around. He knelt down and looked under the bed.
"Looking for the boogey-man?" asked Sally, bending over to be eye level with him. She grinned.
He scowled at her. "No, he said shortly. "My slippers."
"Right here," she said, reaching under the bed for one, pulling it out and dangling it from a finger. He snatched it from her hand.
He felt around for the other one, and his hand encountered something that was warm, furry, pointed and definitely not his slipper.
"Ai ya!" he yelled, pulling back his hand. There were four gouges on the back of his hand.
"You've got to quit scaring the cat, dear," said Sally, taking his hand and examining the scratches.
"It would take a nuclear explosion to scare that demon spawn!" he grumbled, pulling back his hand.
"Wufei!" Sally said, shaking her head. "Lu is a small predator. If you react with hostility, she will be afraid of you and act defensively. It's as simple as that."
"You forgot one important fact," he stated, folding his arms and glaring at her.
"What?"
"That she-beast from the ninth hell hates me."
"Wufei!"
"No arguments!" he said, standing up.
"I cannot live in the same house with that creature!"
"I can't believe you're being so unreasonable!"
"When I come home, that abomination had better be gone!" he stalked off to the bathroom.
"I can't just get rid of her that easily!" protested Sally. "And, she was a gift. Think of how hurt Relena will be if I do that? And you know when Relena is upset, Heero is NOT happy either!"
Wufei paused. "Very well," he said. "You have 2 weeks to make suitable arrangements. After that I will deal with it myself!" He closed the bathroom door.
"Who died and left you emperor?" demanded Sally, to the door.
"Here Lu, here kitty," Sally said, on her knees, sticking her head under the bed.
"Niyaaaou!" said the Siamese terror, gracefully gliding out from under the bed and rubbing noses with her beloved mistress.
"Why can't you be nicer to Wufei?" she asked, picking up the cat and stroking it behind the ears. Shanghai Lu purred loudly and rubbed her head against Sally's fingers.
"I'll give you a big shrimp for dinner if you quit scratching him, okay?" Sally pleaded in that high, silly voice people reserve for speaking to pets and infants.
"You have to be a good kitty from now on or Wufei will make a rug out of you," she went on.
"Niyaaaou!" said Lu.
"Yes, I know, he's cranky, but he can be nice if you pet his tummy a little," said Sally.
"That's probably why you don't get along," Sally sighed, putting the cat down on the bed to finish dressing. "You're too much alike."
The cat put her nose in the air and walked off. "Sorry," said Sally. "I didn't mean to insult you." She grinned.
"Exactly alike."