Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Hello and welcome to this latest chapter of One Really Weird Dream! I'm charity236, your host. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as you (hopefully) enjoyed the others.
This chapter... The Trial! Will Link and co. be proved innocent or guilty for blowing up the Bunny Bar when it was really Osama Bin-Laden?! Plus... watch out for more swearing, the revealing of the court judge's REAL NAME, a talking M&M's dispenser and surprise witnesses!! All this and MUCH MORE in this chapter of One Really Weird Dream!
PS: I am HURTING for reviews. Be nice :)
Chapter 4: Tingle On Trial (Along With The Others)
Ten minutes later...
'Your honour, can we stop for a quick rest? I have an itch on my back I really want to get to, but I can't because of these handcuffs. Please can we take a break?' Link asked.
'Well, I see no harm in that,' the judge said. 'Guards, make sure no-one escapes.'
The police formed a rough circle around the group after removing everyone's handcuffs.
'Are you guys hungry?' Link asked.
'Mumbo much hungry.'
'Yeah, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Yeah baby yeah!'
'O'course I'm f***ing hungry.'
'Bring on the feast.'
'Right now we'd rather get out of this bottle!'
'Meow.'
'ZZZZZZZZZ.'
'But we haven't got any food on us.'
'I do,' Link said. He drew out his sword-wand and flicked it a few times. A plate of sandwiches appeared from nowhere.
'Hang on - that's a dagger!' the judge said, looking at Link's sword-wand.
'No it's not, it's a wand that doubles as a small sword, but I don't need it for that purpose.'
The judge looked at the wand with great interest, but Link magicked up food and drink without realising he was being watched.
At that odd moment, a Pikachu jumped onto Ozzy's head for no apparent reason.
'Oh no! A f***ing Pokémon!' Ozzy moaned.
'Don't call it that or it'll zap you!' Link warned as the Pikachu jumped off of Ozzy's head and ran off into the bushes.
'Hem hem,' said the judge again as she reminded Link not to do or say anything suspicious, in case that was added to the charges.
Something seemed to have clicked in Author's head. 'Hey Link, is it just me, or does the way she say "hem hem" remind me of Umbridge?'
'Who?' Link asked.
'Oh that's right, you haven't read the fifth Harry Potter yet, have you?' Author remembered. 'Umbridge is the new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. She also works for the Ministry, which means she is a complete and utter b****. But why she's in "Wherever The Hell We Are", posing as a court judge, I have NO idea.'
'The fifth Harry Potter book's out?! Why didn't you tell me?' Link whispered loudly.
'You never mentioned it before.'
'Hem hem,' Umbridge cleared her throat. 'Everyone get ready, we're moving on.' She said this with extreme malice, which could have meant that she'd overheard Author talking about her.
After the small break and a half-hour trek through the jungle, the group approached the bottom of a mountain.
'Wow,' Link said. 'It's bigger than Death Mountain!'
'Mumbo mountain it big than, sure for,' Mumbo exclaimed.
'Well duh!'
'Navi, have you noticed that Mumbo is speaking more and more like Yoda?' Author whispered. Navi snorted in reply.
'Come on you lazy slackers, we've got to get you into court right away,' Umbridge said. 'I organised a trial for as soon as we got here.'
'Just our luck, baby,' Austin moaned.
'I sure hope we get a good lawyer,' Ellie said.
'I'm hungry! Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle moaned.
'But we had lunch half an hour ago!' Link said.
'Just give Tingle food, Kooloo-Limpah.'
Link gave in, and magicked up a meat pie.
'Meow,' Noodles said, looking at the court building. He didn't like it.
'Shut up you f***ing cat!' Ozzy yelled.
'Don't pay out my kitty!' Author said. She really WAS his owner (in real life).
The group walked into the building, looking around with disclosed interest.
Lawyers were dashing about everywhere.
'I didn't think that "Wherever The Hell We Are" would HAVE a court system,' Link said amusedly. 'I mean, this IS my DREAM here!'
Everyone looked at Navi angrily.
'What? Just because I can wish stuff up on command doesn't mean I wished a COURT SYSTEM up!' Navi yelled.
They all turned away. When Link did so, he came up face-to-face with the group's lawyer.
'Lionel Hutz, attourney-in-law. I also do shoe repairs. And to make sure you don't forget me, I'll give you my business card. Look, it turns into a sponge!'
'Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!! It's the lawyer from The Simpsons!' Link yelled.
'Damn, I forgot that I need to change these cards! My old office will be a Starbucks in about ten minutes.'
'There's not just ONE lawyer from The Simpsons, but TWO!' Author groaned, looking at the blue-haired lawyer who had let her sign the contract saying she was the namer of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh even more!!!!' Link yelled.
'Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you,' the blue-haired lawyer said.
'Come on, I haven't got all day! We've got a trial to run!' Umbridge said irritably, and she led the group into the courtroom.
The jury looked up to see a ragtag bunch of no-hopers enter the room. Well, that's what one jury member called them.
Link came in first, his Kokiri Tunic looking a bit grubby and ragged. Navi (who was still covered in snake blood) and Author flew behind him, glad to get out of the bottle. Noodles (looking very nonplussed), Tingle (who kept muttering Kooloo-Limpah) and Ellie (trying hard to avoid strangling herself with her trunk) walked at Link's side.
Next came Austin, Ozzy and Mumbo, side-by-side. Ozzy was in the middle so that if he tried to run out, Mumbo would whack him on the head with his skull thing and Austin would... never mind.
Last came Sara-Marie (she looked snobbish in her stylish bunny pyjamas and ears) and Ray Martin (who was pleading with the guards to let him go, since he was a news reporter).
When the group had all sat down at their table (a very difficult task for a group that size) with Lionel Hutz, the blue-haired lawyer came in with a man no-one had ever seen before.
This man had red hair and darkish skin. At first glance Link thought it was Ganondorf! But no, Ganondorf wouldn't wear baggy jeans and a Wutang top.
'Who's he, baby?' asked Austin.
'No idea,' Author replied.
'Could be Ganondorf, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle wondered.
'Tingle, Ganondorf wouldn't wear THAT!!' Link laughed.
'Meow!' Noodles meowed and pawed at Link's leg, indicating he smelt something wrong with the new guy.
'I sure hope he ain't working for that Al-Qaida s***, or I'll blast him,' Ozzy growled, patting his .44.
'Bad Ozzy,' Navi said. 'We'll get a worse charge if you kill him.'
'Since when are you the court system encyclopedia?' Link asked.
'E=mc2,' Navi said hastily.
'What?'
'S*** up.'
'How the hell is that possible?!'
'Shut up. Came out the wrong way last time, sorry.'
'Rrrriiiigggghhhhtttt.'
'Will everyone please SHUT UP!!!!' Umbridge yelled.
'OK already!' Link yelled back.
'I'm keeping my eye on you,' Umbridge warned Link.
'Boy she means it,' Author said.
'Court is now in session.'
'We have a Mr. Peter Barker here, against the group consisting of Link the Hero of Time, Navi the fairy, Author the author of this fanfic in fairy form, Tingle the overage map-selling Kokiri, Noodles the Ragdoll cat, Austin Powers the International Man of Mystery, Ellie the pink elephant, Ozzy Osbourne the rock star, Mumbo Jumbo the best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie, Sara-Marie the bunny-girl from Big Brother and Ray Martin, host of A Current Affair,' Umbridge said, taking a deep breath. 'Their charges are: bomb threats, which carries a sentence of death by steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and laser-beam sharks; hostage-taking, which carries a sentence of jail for three months; breaking a door, which carries a sentence of fixing ten doors; constant swearing, which carries a sentence of mental hospital for a month; partly chopping down the third-largest palm tree in "Wherever The Hell We Are", which carries a sentence of death by axe; and threatening with swords, guns, a book full of "super special author powers", magic gold dust, bow and arrow, an elephant, two beavers, an Iron Knuckle, an Iron Knuckle's axe, a giant cat, some Pokemon and a sword-wand, which carries a sentence of death by having all of those objects set on them.'
'Oh hell,' Link whispered.
Peter Barker grinned. Link was sure he'd seen someone grin similarly before, but who was it?
'I call Mr. Peter Barker to the stand,' said the blue-haired lawyer. 'Okay, do you swear to God that you will not lie, et cetera, et cetera, let's get onto the questions.'
'Of course I swear to not lie.'
Link noticed the man's accent. Arabian, or Chinese perhaps? He couldn't tell.
'Fair enough. Now, your honour, in the middle of the jungle, there was a dance club, formally known as the Bunny Bar, was it not, Mr. Barker?'
'Yes. I went there with all my friends on many occasions. Luckily they were not there at the time...'
'Tell us your account of what happened at the Bunny Bar earlier today.'
[Peter's POV] The Bunny Bar was very busy at the time. People dancing, drinking, talking with some mates.
Well, I was dancing with some people I'd just met, when I noticed a new group of people come in. A weird-looking bunch they were. A guy in a green tunic with a sword and shield, two fairies, a guy from the 60's, a midget with a red nose, a pink and yellow skull thing and a pink elephant.
'Where was Sara-Marie, Ray Martin, the cat and Ozzy Osbourne?' the lawyer asked.
'I didn't even know Ray was in the area at all, he must have come later. The cat and Ozzy must have been outside - you all know how Ozzy hates dance clubs. And animals aren't allowed.'
'Then what about Ellie the elephant?'
'I don't know, it might just be a costume.'
'And Sara-Marie?'
'She was dancing on the front stage of the bar. She was the owner.'
Gasps from the crowd. 'Why would the owner want to blow her own bar up?' 'It's insane!'
'ORDER! ORDER!' Umbridge yelled, and Peter was allowed to continue.
I watched the sword guy go up to the counter with the red fairy, but there must have been something wrong, or maybe they recognised her, because they went up to the stage and talked to Sara-Marie. Then they just got up and went over to the doors on the other side of the room, where a fight was taking place. The sword guy got pushed into the door and crashed through it. I don't know what happened in the room, but the other people in the guy's group went over to see what happened. After even longer Ozzy and the cat came into the bar and dashed over to the room, and eventually the whole group came out, shouting about a bomb.
That's all I saw before I was pushed out of the bar in the haste to escape.
'Fair explanation. Now a few questions. Why was the fairy red?'
'I do not know, maybe it was that colour naturally?'
'Uh... I believe they are all the questions I can ask for now.'
'Thank you,' Peter said, and he got up from the box and back to his table.
'I call Link to the stand,' Lionel said.
'Go Link!'
'You can do it!'
'Give 'em all you got, f***ing pretty-boy!'
'Go baby go!'
'Mumbo want Link do good.'
'Go, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Meow!'
Lionel walked up and down, looking at Link. The Hylian showed no emotion on his face, being used to doing that. He just blinked and breathed when necessary.
'Please would you kindly tell us YOUR version of events in brief?'
'Well, as brief as I can get it without leaving out everything,' Link joked. Some people laughed.
[Link's POV] Me and the group (Navi, Author, Tingle, Austin, Ozzy, Ellie, Mumbo and Noodles) were traipsing through the jungle when Ozzy said he couldn't stand us any longer and he walked off. Five seconds later he came back saying there was a large snake in front of a dance club.
We went to check the snake out and it swallowed Navi, so Ellie stomped on it, leaving Navi blood-coloured, and a large red patch on the ground.
Then we all (except Noodles and Ozzy) went into the bar. Navi needed cleaning up, and everyone else wanted a break from walking.
'So that explains why Navi is red,' Lionel said thoughtfully. 'Because she was swallowed by a snake which Ellie squished and killed. Makes sense to me. Continue.'
The group split up. Austin and Ellie went into the dancing crowd; Tingle and Author sat down at the bar for a drink, and Navi and I went looking for a bathroom. I went up to the bar to ask, but no-one listened. Then on closer inspection of the room, I saw Sara-Marie on the stage. I went up and - asked for her autograph...
Link went red as Umbridge asked, 'Can we see the autograph?' Link pulled the signed Bunny Hood out of his bag and held it out for Umbridge to examine.
'And what is this?' Umbridge asked.
'It's a Bunny Hood. It lets me run faster.'
Umbridge gave it back with a grumpy look.
I then asked Sara-Marie where the bathroom was, but she was dancing with someone else now. Which left Navi and I to find the room by ourselves.
We found a bunch of doors. While deciding which one to enter, I was accidentally caught up in a fight and slammed into one of the doors. The door was so thin I crashed a hole into it that was my shape.
Anyway, I fell half-way down some stairs. After checking I was alright, we went down to see if it was a bathroom. I tripped on something.
It was a bomb. An armed bomb. So I did the best thing to do. I disarmed it.
Then Navi said, "Who would put a bomb in the middle of a basement in a dance club?"
And someone replied. A dangerous Afghanistani someone.
Lionel guessed who at once. 'Osama Bin-Laden?!'
'Yep, spot on.'
Link looked around the room, and noticed Peter looking extremely shifty. Odd.
Anyway, we argued and talked and argued some more before Austin, Ellie, Sara-Marie, Author and Tingle came in. Austin had his handgun out, Ellie bore her trunk, Author had a book of "super special author powers", Sara-Marie grasped her bunny ears, and Tingle had nothing except his Tingle Tuner.
There were more death threats before Bin-Laden had us tied up to chairs and blindfolded.
'So what was Ozzy and Noodles doing during that time?' Lionel asked.
'I can fill that one, f***head,' Ozzy said. 'And sorry about the swearing, can't f***ing help it.' Umbridge frowned at this, but kept quiet.
[Ozzy's POV] We were outside the f***ing dance club, waiting for the f***in pretty-boy and the others to come back out. But that f***ing cat kept pawing my leg until I asked what he was f***ing up to. He led me to a f***ing tiny basement window.
"There's no f***ing way I'm crawling through that," I said. The f***ing cat meowed, so I picked it up and went inside the f***ing entrance to the f***ing club.
Noodles pointed the way to a door with a hole that f***ing pretty-boy's size through it. We went down the f***ing stairs and found f***ing Bin-Laden with an AK-47, holding the guys hostage.
'That explains a lot.'
'Excuse me, but aren't I the one being questioned at the moment?' Link asked.
'Oh yeah.'
Link explained the rest of the day's happenings, with various interruptions from Tingle (who was hungry and kept asking Link to magic up some food).
'Well... we've seen both sides of the story. What now?' Lionel asked the judge.
'Have you got any other witnesses?' Judge asked the two lawyers.
'Um... I call Sara-Marie to the stand,' the blue-haired lawyer exclaimed.
Sara-Marie was seated, and the questions were asked.
'Miss Sara-Marie, why were you even in the Bunny Bar at the time?'
'You were told before, I owned it. But only for about a day.'
'Why only a day?'
'It all started with an interview on a talk show named Rove [Live]...'
[Sara-Marie's POV] "...Please give a warm fuzzy bunny welcome to Sara-Marie!"
I came into the room and sat down in the chair next to Rove McManus, the host.
"Welcome back to the show, Sara-Marie. It's been about a year, hasn't it?" Rove asked.
"Yeah."
"In that time you released a music single with the Sirens, started your own pyjama range and now the panto."
"Yeah, I've been pretty busy. But the pantomime was all Blair's idea, you know."
"I watch him on Neighbours."
"Well of course."
"So which charity did the money go to? Er, the money raised with the panto?"
"The Starlight Foundation."
"What was it like, playing Cinderella?"
"It was hilarious."
After a bit more talk like that, we came to an ad break. Rove asked me to do my trade-mark bum dance, which I did. But when I did it - I somehow warped into a jungle.
"What?!"
I stumbled around until I found the Bunny Bar, and it all took off from there...
'Happy now? 'Cause there's nothing else I can tell ya,' Sara-Marie said, straightening her bunny-ears up.
'I'm happy. NOT! Send in my surprise witness!' the blue-haired lawyer yelled.
The doors opened and a handsome man in a suit walked in, guided by two security guards.
'What are you doing?! I'm not meant to be in here! I need to get back to my show!' the man yelled. Then he saw the people at the stand.
'Okay, I'm dreaming. Austin Powers? A funny pink skull thing?! Ray Martin?!? Fairies?!?! OZZY OSBOURNE?!?!? A bunch of weird people I've only ever seen in video ga- Pinch me.'
One of the security guards pinched him.
'Ow, not literally!'
'Sorry.'
Link turned around in his hard wooden chair and saw Rove McManus.
'YOU'RE the surprise witness?!' Link yelled.
'YOU'RE a video game character!!' Rove yelled.
'Too right I am!' both Link and Rove yelled at the same time.
They both stared at each other for a moment, then took out pieces of paper. 'Can I have your autograph?'
'Shucks! Remember people, this is a COURT ROOM, not a socialisation club or whatever!' Umbridge yelled.
'Shut it, Umbridge,' Link threatened. He was starting to see what Author meant about the woman being "a complete and utter b****". 'We need to settle a few scores first.' He held the piece of paper out to Rove.
'I will if you will,' Rove nodded, his own piece of paper held out in front of him. 'And while we're at it, can I get you guys' autographs?' he asked the rest of the group.
'Who is this groovy person?' Austin asked Ray.
'Rove McManus. Haven't you been listening to what Sara-Marie said?'
'No, baby.'
'Go figure.'
'While all this autography is going on, we might as well adjourn,' Umbridge announced angrily. 'I need to grab some eats.'
'Did you say Authorgraphy?' Author asked.
'No, I said AUTOGRAPHY.'
'Oh.'
'Did you say Austinogra-?' Austin asked.
'Don't even think about it, mojo man,' Umbridge grumbled.
'Come on you guys, let's go outside,' Link exclaimed to the group.
'Good idea, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle agreed.
'Why don't you f***ing shut up, Tingle?' Ozzy asked. 'THAT would be a good idea.'
Outside, Navi and Author had found a large food-dispensing machine which sold chips and M&M's.
'I want some!' Navi yelled.
'You're lucky I have some money that is compatible with this food dispenser,' Author grumbled.
'What?'
'In words you can understand, you're lucky I have Australian money. Somehow I think that's all this machine can take.'
'Whatever. Okay... hmmm, those M&M's look good...' Navi pressed the button for normal M&M's, Author put the correct money in and they waited.
After a few minute's quiet waiting there was still nothing coming from the machine.
'What the hell is wrong with this machine?!' Navi yelled, kicking the hunk of junk.
'Hey don't do that!' came a voice from inside the machine.
'Eh?' both Navi and Author wondered. 'Who are you and why are you in that machine?'
'You get me out of here, I spill the M&M's,' the voice said.
'Well how do we get you out?'
'On the side of this thing there's a bunch of screws. Get them out and lift the cover off.'
'We're tiny fairies, how do you expect us to do that?'
The voice had nothing to say to that.
'Well... I don't think "mighty Mumbo magic" will help at all, and the others wouldn't want to help...' Author thought.
'I wish for someone or something that can help us get the screws out of this machine so we can find out who's inside!' Navi said, and immediately a guy in beige-coloured overalls came over to them.
'You called?' the guy asked.
'I know you! You're the repairman guy from The Sims!' Author said in surprise.
'That's right. Now what do you want fixed?'
'Um, we think there's someone inside this food-dispensing machine. We need you to unscrew the cover on the side to get the person out,' Navi explained.
'I can do that,' the repairman said. 'There's nothing that I can't do!'
'Is, by any chance, your name so-very-coincidentally Bob?' Author asked.
'Yep, peoples like callin' me Bob the Builder,' Bob said, chest puffed out.
'Let me get this straight. You're the repair guy from The Sims but your name is Bob the Builder. That doesn't work.'
'How about I make it so it does?' Navi grinned. She made a wish, and Bob the Builder really WAS Bob the Builder.
'Aaaaaaaaahhh! One thing's for sure, you're NOT coming with us when our trial's over!' Author yelped at Bob.
Bob said nothing and got onto his job of unscrewing the food-dispensing machine.
After a couple of minutes, the cover fell off and the person inside the machine came out.
Well... okay, he wasn't exactly a person.
Author and Navi goggled at the Red M&M. 'Since when do you get stuffed inside dispenser machines?!'
'I don't. Someone swallowed me and I found myself in that thing. But the instruction booklet was left inside there so I was able to learn how to get out.'
'Right.'
'Hey Link,' Author yelled, 'you would never guess who we just found!'
'The Red M&M,' Link replied.
'How did you know?!'
'I have EARS, duh!'
'Oh yeah. Kinda forgot.'
Link was continously zapping up meat pies for Tingle and the others. It was quite annoying now.
'Everyone must come back inside now,' Umbridge yelled. 'The trial is going to continue.'
'F***,' Link muttered.
For some reason, Red had followed the group inside. Bob the Builder was nowhere to be seen, thankfully (presumably Mumbo had zapped him back home).
After a few hours of more people going up to the stand, it was (last but not least) Noodles' turn. Being a cat, of course, he had to have a cat-interpretor say what he was meowing on about.
'...So you say that Navi made you grow to the size of a Siberian tiger just to cut your friend's ropes?' the interpretor asked.
Noodles meowed and nodded.
'That's fair,' Lionel smiled.
'Hem hem,' Umbridge snarled.
'Shut up Umbridge,' everyone yelled.
'Hmmm. Well since you've got that attitude, I might as well state you GUIL-'
'What's going on in here?' a blondish woman asked, head poking out from behind the doors.
Link, naturally, turned around in his chair to see who it was. He expected anyone BUT J. Lo!
'For your big fat information, Jenny,' Umbridge snapped, 'we're having a trial to see whether this bunch of flea-bitten clowns blew up the Bunny Bar with a bomb. And what might YOU be doing here?'
'I? I'm filming part of a new movie. And who are these "flea-bitten clowns" that are on trial?'
'THESE flea-bitten clowns,' Link yelled, arms spread out behind him, indicating himself and the rest of the group.
Jennifer scanned the people in the group. 'NONE of you are flea-bitten clowns! Except maybe that squat guy with his underpants on the outside of his shorts...'
Peter laughed at this.
Something clicked in Link's mind. He knew who Peter Barker really was.
'Excuse me, Um-BRIDGE, but I'd like to show you something,' Link growled, standing up.
'Go right ahead, Li-INK,' Umbridge replied coldly.
Link stomped over to Peter and drew his hand back. Umbridge, thinking he was going to swipe his sword at Peter, started to get up out of her seat, but Link just grabbed the top of Peter's head and pulled.
'What are you doing?!' Navi and Umbridge asked at the same time.
'This ain't Peter Barker, this is...' A rubber mask-like thing came off of Peter's head, 'Osama Bin-Laden!'
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Ozzy yelled. He whipped out his .44, cocked it and aimed it at Bin-Laden's head.
'I thought you said he'd never find out!!' Umbridge yelled at Bin-Laden before taking her wand.
'WHAT?!' everyone yelled at once.
'You KNEW?!' Link yelled, full of rage. He unsheathed the Master Sword and ran over to Umbridge before she could do anything, and held the steel blade at her neck. 'You KNEW... Well you're going to die for that!'
'Link, NO!!' Lionel jumped up. 'You can't kill her or you'll get stuck in prison for life!'
'Don't tell me what I can and can't do,' Link snarled as he watched Ozzy hold his .44 so the tip was just touching Bin-Laden's head.
'Don't do it,' Jennifer said quietly.
At that moment, several things happened. There was a giant CRACK like a gunshot; everyone except Link and Umbridge ducked; Noodles meowed hysterically as he escaped from the witnesses' box; and the jury cleared their throats, as though the trial had gone too far.
'What was that?' Sara-Marie asked as she opened her eyes. There was no sign of blood, Bin-Laden was still in the room, and the jury had now stood up,ready to make their verdict.
'I don't know, but Umbridge is gone! S***!!' Link swore. 'She must have Disapparated.'
'This trial has gone for too long,' a spokesperson for the jury said. 'Our verdict is... not guilty, despite everything that you did both in the Bunny Bar and in here.'
'Woo-hoo! I'm - er, WE'RE in the money, we're in the money...' Lionel started dancing on the tabletop.
'Damn! Looks like I'm going to have to find another way to get rid of you jerks!' Bin-Laden groaned. He jumped up from his seat and headed for the open window.
Ozzy and Austin immediately started shooting at the escapee, while Mumbo invoked some "mighty Mumbo magic", Red (the M&M) took out a peashooter and shot M&M's Minis, and Link found his bow and let fly some arrows. None of the projectiles hit their target.
'NO!!!!' everyone yelled as they realised Bin-Laden had got away.
'Still, why are we complaining? We got off, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said happily.
'Good point. Okay you guys, we're heading off,' Link announced. 'J. Lo, you coming with us?'
'Well... alright - it's not like I'm going to be needed for ages, my appearance in the new film is only a cameo,' Jennifer nodded.
'Cool. So... Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin, Ellie, Mumbo, Ozzy, Sara-Marie, Ray, Red, Jennifer - we're going!' Link yelled, and the group made their way out of the court building.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters in This Chapter
Umbridge as the court judge (temporary)
A random Pikachu (temporary)
Lionel Hutz (temporary)
The blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons (temporary)
Peter Barker/Osama Bin-Laden
Rove McManus
Red the M&M
The repairman from The Sims (temporary)
Bob the Builder (temporary)
Jennifer Lopez/J. Lo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that Link and co. are FINALLY out of the courtroom, they can return to their quest for the "mysterious hut". There's just one problem in the way: a giant mountain. Not to mention Osama Bin-Laden. No wait, that's two problems.
Anyway, there's going to be three MORE problems added to their worries - in a LOTR- and Harry Potter-influenced chapter! I know, it had to happen sometime...
Next Chapter: I Want My "Precious"!
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Some more hints you want? Why didn't you say so?! In fact, I've decided to have FOUR hints this time!
Hint 1: "Oh, I shouldn't have said that..."
Hint 2: All that is gold does not glitter
Hint 3: my "precious"
Hint 4: Goron-eater
LOTR fans should get the second and third ones easy, while anyone who's seen the first Harry Potter movie might get the first one. As for the last, well I ain't giving any extra help - you're on your own.
PS Please review.
PPS If you want to suggest your own Super Fun Happy Hints, you can email them to me.
~~~
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Hello and welcome to this latest chapter of One Really Weird Dream! I'm charity236, your host. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as you (hopefully) enjoyed the others.
This chapter... The Trial! Will Link and co. be proved innocent or guilty for blowing up the Bunny Bar when it was really Osama Bin-Laden?! Plus... watch out for more swearing, the revealing of the court judge's REAL NAME, a talking M&M's dispenser and surprise witnesses!! All this and MUCH MORE in this chapter of One Really Weird Dream!
PS: I am HURTING for reviews. Be nice :)
Chapter 4: Tingle On Trial (Along With The Others)
Ten minutes later...
'Your honour, can we stop for a quick rest? I have an itch on my back I really want to get to, but I can't because of these handcuffs. Please can we take a break?' Link asked.
'Well, I see no harm in that,' the judge said. 'Guards, make sure no-one escapes.'
The police formed a rough circle around the group after removing everyone's handcuffs.
'Are you guys hungry?' Link asked.
'Mumbo much hungry.'
'Yeah, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Yeah baby yeah!'
'O'course I'm f***ing hungry.'
'Bring on the feast.'
'Right now we'd rather get out of this bottle!'
'Meow.'
'ZZZZZZZZZ.'
'But we haven't got any food on us.'
'I do,' Link said. He drew out his sword-wand and flicked it a few times. A plate of sandwiches appeared from nowhere.
'Hang on - that's a dagger!' the judge said, looking at Link's sword-wand.
'No it's not, it's a wand that doubles as a small sword, but I don't need it for that purpose.'
The judge looked at the wand with great interest, but Link magicked up food and drink without realising he was being watched.
At that odd moment, a Pikachu jumped onto Ozzy's head for no apparent reason.
'Oh no! A f***ing Pokémon!' Ozzy moaned.
'Don't call it that or it'll zap you!' Link warned as the Pikachu jumped off of Ozzy's head and ran off into the bushes.
'Hem hem,' said the judge again as she reminded Link not to do or say anything suspicious, in case that was added to the charges.
Something seemed to have clicked in Author's head. 'Hey Link, is it just me, or does the way she say "hem hem" remind me of Umbridge?'
'Who?' Link asked.
'Oh that's right, you haven't read the fifth Harry Potter yet, have you?' Author remembered. 'Umbridge is the new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. She also works for the Ministry, which means she is a complete and utter b****. But why she's in "Wherever The Hell We Are", posing as a court judge, I have NO idea.'
'The fifth Harry Potter book's out?! Why didn't you tell me?' Link whispered loudly.
'You never mentioned it before.'
'Hem hem,' Umbridge cleared her throat. 'Everyone get ready, we're moving on.' She said this with extreme malice, which could have meant that she'd overheard Author talking about her.
After the small break and a half-hour trek through the jungle, the group approached the bottom of a mountain.
'Wow,' Link said. 'It's bigger than Death Mountain!'
'Mumbo mountain it big than, sure for,' Mumbo exclaimed.
'Well duh!'
'Navi, have you noticed that Mumbo is speaking more and more like Yoda?' Author whispered. Navi snorted in reply.
'Come on you lazy slackers, we've got to get you into court right away,' Umbridge said. 'I organised a trial for as soon as we got here.'
'Just our luck, baby,' Austin moaned.
'I sure hope we get a good lawyer,' Ellie said.
'I'm hungry! Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle moaned.
'But we had lunch half an hour ago!' Link said.
'Just give Tingle food, Kooloo-Limpah.'
Link gave in, and magicked up a meat pie.
'Meow,' Noodles said, looking at the court building. He didn't like it.
'Shut up you f***ing cat!' Ozzy yelled.
'Don't pay out my kitty!' Author said. She really WAS his owner (in real life).
The group walked into the building, looking around with disclosed interest.
Lawyers were dashing about everywhere.
'I didn't think that "Wherever The Hell We Are" would HAVE a court system,' Link said amusedly. 'I mean, this IS my DREAM here!'
Everyone looked at Navi angrily.
'What? Just because I can wish stuff up on command doesn't mean I wished a COURT SYSTEM up!' Navi yelled.
They all turned away. When Link did so, he came up face-to-face with the group's lawyer.
'Lionel Hutz, attourney-in-law. I also do shoe repairs. And to make sure you don't forget me, I'll give you my business card. Look, it turns into a sponge!'
'Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!! It's the lawyer from The Simpsons!' Link yelled.
'Damn, I forgot that I need to change these cards! My old office will be a Starbucks in about ten minutes.'
'There's not just ONE lawyer from The Simpsons, but TWO!' Author groaned, looking at the blue-haired lawyer who had let her sign the contract saying she was the namer of "Wherever The Hell We Are".
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh even more!!!!' Link yelled.
'Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you,' the blue-haired lawyer said.
'Come on, I haven't got all day! We've got a trial to run!' Umbridge said irritably, and she led the group into the courtroom.
The jury looked up to see a ragtag bunch of no-hopers enter the room. Well, that's what one jury member called them.
Link came in first, his Kokiri Tunic looking a bit grubby and ragged. Navi (who was still covered in snake blood) and Author flew behind him, glad to get out of the bottle. Noodles (looking very nonplussed), Tingle (who kept muttering Kooloo-Limpah) and Ellie (trying hard to avoid strangling herself with her trunk) walked at Link's side.
Next came Austin, Ozzy and Mumbo, side-by-side. Ozzy was in the middle so that if he tried to run out, Mumbo would whack him on the head with his skull thing and Austin would... never mind.
Last came Sara-Marie (she looked snobbish in her stylish bunny pyjamas and ears) and Ray Martin (who was pleading with the guards to let him go, since he was a news reporter).
When the group had all sat down at their table (a very difficult task for a group that size) with Lionel Hutz, the blue-haired lawyer came in with a man no-one had ever seen before.
This man had red hair and darkish skin. At first glance Link thought it was Ganondorf! But no, Ganondorf wouldn't wear baggy jeans and a Wutang top.
'Who's he, baby?' asked Austin.
'No idea,' Author replied.
'Could be Ganondorf, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle wondered.
'Tingle, Ganondorf wouldn't wear THAT!!' Link laughed.
'Meow!' Noodles meowed and pawed at Link's leg, indicating he smelt something wrong with the new guy.
'I sure hope he ain't working for that Al-Qaida s***, or I'll blast him,' Ozzy growled, patting his .44.
'Bad Ozzy,' Navi said. 'We'll get a worse charge if you kill him.'
'Since when are you the court system encyclopedia?' Link asked.
'E=mc2,' Navi said hastily.
'What?'
'S*** up.'
'How the hell is that possible?!'
'Shut up. Came out the wrong way last time, sorry.'
'Rrrriiiigggghhhhtttt.'
'Will everyone please SHUT UP!!!!' Umbridge yelled.
'OK already!' Link yelled back.
'I'm keeping my eye on you,' Umbridge warned Link.
'Boy she means it,' Author said.
'Court is now in session.'
'We have a Mr. Peter Barker here, against the group consisting of Link the Hero of Time, Navi the fairy, Author the author of this fanfic in fairy form, Tingle the overage map-selling Kokiri, Noodles the Ragdoll cat, Austin Powers the International Man of Mystery, Ellie the pink elephant, Ozzy Osbourne the rock star, Mumbo Jumbo the best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie, Sara-Marie the bunny-girl from Big Brother and Ray Martin, host of A Current Affair,' Umbridge said, taking a deep breath. 'Their charges are: bomb threats, which carries a sentence of death by steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and laser-beam sharks; hostage-taking, which carries a sentence of jail for three months; breaking a door, which carries a sentence of fixing ten doors; constant swearing, which carries a sentence of mental hospital for a month; partly chopping down the third-largest palm tree in "Wherever The Hell We Are", which carries a sentence of death by axe; and threatening with swords, guns, a book full of "super special author powers", magic gold dust, bow and arrow, an elephant, two beavers, an Iron Knuckle, an Iron Knuckle's axe, a giant cat, some Pokemon and a sword-wand, which carries a sentence of death by having all of those objects set on them.'
'Oh hell,' Link whispered.
Peter Barker grinned. Link was sure he'd seen someone grin similarly before, but who was it?
'I call Mr. Peter Barker to the stand,' said the blue-haired lawyer. 'Okay, do you swear to God that you will not lie, et cetera, et cetera, let's get onto the questions.'
'Of course I swear to not lie.'
Link noticed the man's accent. Arabian, or Chinese perhaps? He couldn't tell.
'Fair enough. Now, your honour, in the middle of the jungle, there was a dance club, formally known as the Bunny Bar, was it not, Mr. Barker?'
'Yes. I went there with all my friends on many occasions. Luckily they were not there at the time...'
'Tell us your account of what happened at the Bunny Bar earlier today.'
[Peter's POV] The Bunny Bar was very busy at the time. People dancing, drinking, talking with some mates.
Well, I was dancing with some people I'd just met, when I noticed a new group of people come in. A weird-looking bunch they were. A guy in a green tunic with a sword and shield, two fairies, a guy from the 60's, a midget with a red nose, a pink and yellow skull thing and a pink elephant.
'Where was Sara-Marie, Ray Martin, the cat and Ozzy Osbourne?' the lawyer asked.
'I didn't even know Ray was in the area at all, he must have come later. The cat and Ozzy must have been outside - you all know how Ozzy hates dance clubs. And animals aren't allowed.'
'Then what about Ellie the elephant?'
'I don't know, it might just be a costume.'
'And Sara-Marie?'
'She was dancing on the front stage of the bar. She was the owner.'
Gasps from the crowd. 'Why would the owner want to blow her own bar up?' 'It's insane!'
'ORDER! ORDER!' Umbridge yelled, and Peter was allowed to continue.
I watched the sword guy go up to the counter with the red fairy, but there must have been something wrong, or maybe they recognised her, because they went up to the stage and talked to Sara-Marie. Then they just got up and went over to the doors on the other side of the room, where a fight was taking place. The sword guy got pushed into the door and crashed through it. I don't know what happened in the room, but the other people in the guy's group went over to see what happened. After even longer Ozzy and the cat came into the bar and dashed over to the room, and eventually the whole group came out, shouting about a bomb.
That's all I saw before I was pushed out of the bar in the haste to escape.
'Fair explanation. Now a few questions. Why was the fairy red?'
'I do not know, maybe it was that colour naturally?'
'Uh... I believe they are all the questions I can ask for now.'
'Thank you,' Peter said, and he got up from the box and back to his table.
'I call Link to the stand,' Lionel said.
'Go Link!'
'You can do it!'
'Give 'em all you got, f***ing pretty-boy!'
'Go baby go!'
'Mumbo want Link do good.'
'Go, Kooloo-Limpah!'
'Meow!'
Lionel walked up and down, looking at Link. The Hylian showed no emotion on his face, being used to doing that. He just blinked and breathed when necessary.
'Please would you kindly tell us YOUR version of events in brief?'
'Well, as brief as I can get it without leaving out everything,' Link joked. Some people laughed.
[Link's POV] Me and the group (Navi, Author, Tingle, Austin, Ozzy, Ellie, Mumbo and Noodles) were traipsing through the jungle when Ozzy said he couldn't stand us any longer and he walked off. Five seconds later he came back saying there was a large snake in front of a dance club.
We went to check the snake out and it swallowed Navi, so Ellie stomped on it, leaving Navi blood-coloured, and a large red patch on the ground.
Then we all (except Noodles and Ozzy) went into the bar. Navi needed cleaning up, and everyone else wanted a break from walking.
'So that explains why Navi is red,' Lionel said thoughtfully. 'Because she was swallowed by a snake which Ellie squished and killed. Makes sense to me. Continue.'
The group split up. Austin and Ellie went into the dancing crowd; Tingle and Author sat down at the bar for a drink, and Navi and I went looking for a bathroom. I went up to the bar to ask, but no-one listened. Then on closer inspection of the room, I saw Sara-Marie on the stage. I went up and - asked for her autograph...
Link went red as Umbridge asked, 'Can we see the autograph?' Link pulled the signed Bunny Hood out of his bag and held it out for Umbridge to examine.
'And what is this?' Umbridge asked.
'It's a Bunny Hood. It lets me run faster.'
Umbridge gave it back with a grumpy look.
I then asked Sara-Marie where the bathroom was, but she was dancing with someone else now. Which left Navi and I to find the room by ourselves.
We found a bunch of doors. While deciding which one to enter, I was accidentally caught up in a fight and slammed into one of the doors. The door was so thin I crashed a hole into it that was my shape.
Anyway, I fell half-way down some stairs. After checking I was alright, we went down to see if it was a bathroom. I tripped on something.
It was a bomb. An armed bomb. So I did the best thing to do. I disarmed it.
Then Navi said, "Who would put a bomb in the middle of a basement in a dance club?"
And someone replied. A dangerous Afghanistani someone.
Lionel guessed who at once. 'Osama Bin-Laden?!'
'Yep, spot on.'
Link looked around the room, and noticed Peter looking extremely shifty. Odd.
Anyway, we argued and talked and argued some more before Austin, Ellie, Sara-Marie, Author and Tingle came in. Austin had his handgun out, Ellie bore her trunk, Author had a book of "super special author powers", Sara-Marie grasped her bunny ears, and Tingle had nothing except his Tingle Tuner.
There were more death threats before Bin-Laden had us tied up to chairs and blindfolded.
'So what was Ozzy and Noodles doing during that time?' Lionel asked.
'I can fill that one, f***head,' Ozzy said. 'And sorry about the swearing, can't f***ing help it.' Umbridge frowned at this, but kept quiet.
[Ozzy's POV] We were outside the f***ing dance club, waiting for the f***in pretty-boy and the others to come back out. But that f***ing cat kept pawing my leg until I asked what he was f***ing up to. He led me to a f***ing tiny basement window.
"There's no f***ing way I'm crawling through that," I said. The f***ing cat meowed, so I picked it up and went inside the f***ing entrance to the f***ing club.
Noodles pointed the way to a door with a hole that f***ing pretty-boy's size through it. We went down the f***ing stairs and found f***ing Bin-Laden with an AK-47, holding the guys hostage.
'That explains a lot.'
'Excuse me, but aren't I the one being questioned at the moment?' Link asked.
'Oh yeah.'
Link explained the rest of the day's happenings, with various interruptions from Tingle (who was hungry and kept asking Link to magic up some food).
'Well... we've seen both sides of the story. What now?' Lionel asked the judge.
'Have you got any other witnesses?' Judge asked the two lawyers.
'Um... I call Sara-Marie to the stand,' the blue-haired lawyer exclaimed.
Sara-Marie was seated, and the questions were asked.
'Miss Sara-Marie, why were you even in the Bunny Bar at the time?'
'You were told before, I owned it. But only for about a day.'
'Why only a day?'
'It all started with an interview on a talk show named Rove [Live]...'
[Sara-Marie's POV] "...Please give a warm fuzzy bunny welcome to Sara-Marie!"
I came into the room and sat down in the chair next to Rove McManus, the host.
"Welcome back to the show, Sara-Marie. It's been about a year, hasn't it?" Rove asked.
"Yeah."
"In that time you released a music single with the Sirens, started your own pyjama range and now the panto."
"Yeah, I've been pretty busy. But the pantomime was all Blair's idea, you know."
"I watch him on Neighbours."
"Well of course."
"So which charity did the money go to? Er, the money raised with the panto?"
"The Starlight Foundation."
"What was it like, playing Cinderella?"
"It was hilarious."
After a bit more talk like that, we came to an ad break. Rove asked me to do my trade-mark bum dance, which I did. But when I did it - I somehow warped into a jungle.
"What?!"
I stumbled around until I found the Bunny Bar, and it all took off from there...
'Happy now? 'Cause there's nothing else I can tell ya,' Sara-Marie said, straightening her bunny-ears up.
'I'm happy. NOT! Send in my surprise witness!' the blue-haired lawyer yelled.
The doors opened and a handsome man in a suit walked in, guided by two security guards.
'What are you doing?! I'm not meant to be in here! I need to get back to my show!' the man yelled. Then he saw the people at the stand.
'Okay, I'm dreaming. Austin Powers? A funny pink skull thing?! Ray Martin?!? Fairies?!?! OZZY OSBOURNE?!?!? A bunch of weird people I've only ever seen in video ga- Pinch me.'
One of the security guards pinched him.
'Ow, not literally!'
'Sorry.'
Link turned around in his hard wooden chair and saw Rove McManus.
'YOU'RE the surprise witness?!' Link yelled.
'YOU'RE a video game character!!' Rove yelled.
'Too right I am!' both Link and Rove yelled at the same time.
They both stared at each other for a moment, then took out pieces of paper. 'Can I have your autograph?'
'Shucks! Remember people, this is a COURT ROOM, not a socialisation club or whatever!' Umbridge yelled.
'Shut it, Umbridge,' Link threatened. He was starting to see what Author meant about the woman being "a complete and utter b****". 'We need to settle a few scores first.' He held the piece of paper out to Rove.
'I will if you will,' Rove nodded, his own piece of paper held out in front of him. 'And while we're at it, can I get you guys' autographs?' he asked the rest of the group.
'Who is this groovy person?' Austin asked Ray.
'Rove McManus. Haven't you been listening to what Sara-Marie said?'
'No, baby.'
'Go figure.'
'While all this autography is going on, we might as well adjourn,' Umbridge announced angrily. 'I need to grab some eats.'
'Did you say Authorgraphy?' Author asked.
'No, I said AUTOGRAPHY.'
'Oh.'
'Did you say Austinogra-?' Austin asked.
'Don't even think about it, mojo man,' Umbridge grumbled.
'Come on you guys, let's go outside,' Link exclaimed to the group.
'Good idea, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle agreed.
'Why don't you f***ing shut up, Tingle?' Ozzy asked. 'THAT would be a good idea.'
Outside, Navi and Author had found a large food-dispensing machine which sold chips and M&M's.
'I want some!' Navi yelled.
'You're lucky I have some money that is compatible with this food dispenser,' Author grumbled.
'What?'
'In words you can understand, you're lucky I have Australian money. Somehow I think that's all this machine can take.'
'Whatever. Okay... hmmm, those M&M's look good...' Navi pressed the button for normal M&M's, Author put the correct money in and they waited.
After a few minute's quiet waiting there was still nothing coming from the machine.
'What the hell is wrong with this machine?!' Navi yelled, kicking the hunk of junk.
'Hey don't do that!' came a voice from inside the machine.
'Eh?' both Navi and Author wondered. 'Who are you and why are you in that machine?'
'You get me out of here, I spill the M&M's,' the voice said.
'Well how do we get you out?'
'On the side of this thing there's a bunch of screws. Get them out and lift the cover off.'
'We're tiny fairies, how do you expect us to do that?'
The voice had nothing to say to that.
'Well... I don't think "mighty Mumbo magic" will help at all, and the others wouldn't want to help...' Author thought.
'I wish for someone or something that can help us get the screws out of this machine so we can find out who's inside!' Navi said, and immediately a guy in beige-coloured overalls came over to them.
'You called?' the guy asked.
'I know you! You're the repairman guy from The Sims!' Author said in surprise.
'That's right. Now what do you want fixed?'
'Um, we think there's someone inside this food-dispensing machine. We need you to unscrew the cover on the side to get the person out,' Navi explained.
'I can do that,' the repairman said. 'There's nothing that I can't do!'
'Is, by any chance, your name so-very-coincidentally Bob?' Author asked.
'Yep, peoples like callin' me Bob the Builder,' Bob said, chest puffed out.
'Let me get this straight. You're the repair guy from The Sims but your name is Bob the Builder. That doesn't work.'
'How about I make it so it does?' Navi grinned. She made a wish, and Bob the Builder really WAS Bob the Builder.
'Aaaaaaaaahhh! One thing's for sure, you're NOT coming with us when our trial's over!' Author yelped at Bob.
Bob said nothing and got onto his job of unscrewing the food-dispensing machine.
After a couple of minutes, the cover fell off and the person inside the machine came out.
Well... okay, he wasn't exactly a person.
Author and Navi goggled at the Red M&M. 'Since when do you get stuffed inside dispenser machines?!'
'I don't. Someone swallowed me and I found myself in that thing. But the instruction booklet was left inside there so I was able to learn how to get out.'
'Right.'
'Hey Link,' Author yelled, 'you would never guess who we just found!'
'The Red M&M,' Link replied.
'How did you know?!'
'I have EARS, duh!'
'Oh yeah. Kinda forgot.'
Link was continously zapping up meat pies for Tingle and the others. It was quite annoying now.
'Everyone must come back inside now,' Umbridge yelled. 'The trial is going to continue.'
'F***,' Link muttered.
For some reason, Red had followed the group inside. Bob the Builder was nowhere to be seen, thankfully (presumably Mumbo had zapped him back home).
After a few hours of more people going up to the stand, it was (last but not least) Noodles' turn. Being a cat, of course, he had to have a cat-interpretor say what he was meowing on about.
'...So you say that Navi made you grow to the size of a Siberian tiger just to cut your friend's ropes?' the interpretor asked.
Noodles meowed and nodded.
'That's fair,' Lionel smiled.
'Hem hem,' Umbridge snarled.
'Shut up Umbridge,' everyone yelled.
'Hmmm. Well since you've got that attitude, I might as well state you GUIL-'
'What's going on in here?' a blondish woman asked, head poking out from behind the doors.
Link, naturally, turned around in his chair to see who it was. He expected anyone BUT J. Lo!
'For your big fat information, Jenny,' Umbridge snapped, 'we're having a trial to see whether this bunch of flea-bitten clowns blew up the Bunny Bar with a bomb. And what might YOU be doing here?'
'I? I'm filming part of a new movie. And who are these "flea-bitten clowns" that are on trial?'
'THESE flea-bitten clowns,' Link yelled, arms spread out behind him, indicating himself and the rest of the group.
Jennifer scanned the people in the group. 'NONE of you are flea-bitten clowns! Except maybe that squat guy with his underpants on the outside of his shorts...'
Peter laughed at this.
Something clicked in Link's mind. He knew who Peter Barker really was.
'Excuse me, Um-BRIDGE, but I'd like to show you something,' Link growled, standing up.
'Go right ahead, Li-INK,' Umbridge replied coldly.
Link stomped over to Peter and drew his hand back. Umbridge, thinking he was going to swipe his sword at Peter, started to get up out of her seat, but Link just grabbed the top of Peter's head and pulled.
'What are you doing?!' Navi and Umbridge asked at the same time.
'This ain't Peter Barker, this is...' A rubber mask-like thing came off of Peter's head, 'Osama Bin-Laden!'
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Ozzy yelled. He whipped out his .44, cocked it and aimed it at Bin-Laden's head.
'I thought you said he'd never find out!!' Umbridge yelled at Bin-Laden before taking her wand.
'WHAT?!' everyone yelled at once.
'You KNEW?!' Link yelled, full of rage. He unsheathed the Master Sword and ran over to Umbridge before she could do anything, and held the steel blade at her neck. 'You KNEW... Well you're going to die for that!'
'Link, NO!!' Lionel jumped up. 'You can't kill her or you'll get stuck in prison for life!'
'Don't tell me what I can and can't do,' Link snarled as he watched Ozzy hold his .44 so the tip was just touching Bin-Laden's head.
'Don't do it,' Jennifer said quietly.
At that moment, several things happened. There was a giant CRACK like a gunshot; everyone except Link and Umbridge ducked; Noodles meowed hysterically as he escaped from the witnesses' box; and the jury cleared their throats, as though the trial had gone too far.
'What was that?' Sara-Marie asked as she opened her eyes. There was no sign of blood, Bin-Laden was still in the room, and the jury had now stood up,ready to make their verdict.
'I don't know, but Umbridge is gone! S***!!' Link swore. 'She must have Disapparated.'
'This trial has gone for too long,' a spokesperson for the jury said. 'Our verdict is... not guilty, despite everything that you did both in the Bunny Bar and in here.'
'Woo-hoo! I'm - er, WE'RE in the money, we're in the money...' Lionel started dancing on the tabletop.
'Damn! Looks like I'm going to have to find another way to get rid of you jerks!' Bin-Laden groaned. He jumped up from his seat and headed for the open window.
Ozzy and Austin immediately started shooting at the escapee, while Mumbo invoked some "mighty Mumbo magic", Red (the M&M) took out a peashooter and shot M&M's Minis, and Link found his bow and let fly some arrows. None of the projectiles hit their target.
'NO!!!!' everyone yelled as they realised Bin-Laden had got away.
'Still, why are we complaining? We got off, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said happily.
'Good point. Okay you guys, we're heading off,' Link announced. 'J. Lo, you coming with us?'
'Well... alright - it's not like I'm going to be needed for ages, my appearance in the new film is only a cameo,' Jennifer nodded.
'Cool. So... Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin, Ellie, Mumbo, Ozzy, Sara-Marie, Ray, Red, Jennifer - we're going!' Link yelled, and the group made their way out of the court building.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters in This Chapter
Umbridge as the court judge (temporary)
A random Pikachu (temporary)
Lionel Hutz (temporary)
The blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons (temporary)
Peter Barker/Osama Bin-Laden
Rove McManus
Red the M&M
The repairman from The Sims (temporary)
Bob the Builder (temporary)
Jennifer Lopez/J. Lo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that Link and co. are FINALLY out of the courtroom, they can return to their quest for the "mysterious hut". There's just one problem in the way: a giant mountain. Not to mention Osama Bin-Laden. No wait, that's two problems.
Anyway, there's going to be three MORE problems added to their worries - in a LOTR- and Harry Potter-influenced chapter! I know, it had to happen sometime...
Next Chapter: I Want My "Precious"!
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Some more hints you want? Why didn't you say so?! In fact, I've decided to have FOUR hints this time!
Hint 1: "Oh, I shouldn't have said that..."
Hint 2: All that is gold does not glitter
Hint 3: my "precious"
Hint 4: Goron-eater
LOTR fans should get the second and third ones easy, while anyone who's seen the first Harry Potter movie might get the first one. As for the last, well I ain't giving any extra help - you're on your own.
PS Please review.
PPS If you want to suggest your own Super Fun Happy Hints, you can email them to me.
~~~