Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author, Ellie and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Hi. Yes, a new chapter. I know it's been a long time, but I've been extremely busy with schoolwork (agghh!), friends, video-game playing (heh) and other fanfics (some that are not on Fanfiction.net, some that are, and some that will be posted in the future). But at the time of writing I am in the middle of my school holidays, so I have more time to write stuff :D
Speaking of writing, this chapter was so big that I couldn't fit all of it into one file (blame my computer's low memory), so I've had to put it in TWO parts. I'll print the next part next week (and if not then, ASAP).
Anyway, this is a (kinda) LOTR and Harry Potter influenced chapter. Link and his rather large group have just left the court building - and found a gigantic mountain. DOH! In fact, it's really an active volcano. DOUBLE DOH!! And going under the mountain could be the only way past it... TRIPLE DOH!!!
Be prepared for giant people (hint hint), the afore-mentioned dark tunnels, more swearing (mostly from Ozzy), more violence (from pretty much), dragons, sword-fighting, Monty Python references (Ni!)... and in Part Two, there's also a "Mysterious Ring Which Doesn't Do What You'd Think It Would Do" (no, REALLY! I mean it!), and Gollum. SINGING Gollum. This is the most ridiculous chapter yet!
Oh and PLEASE review, I'm hurtin' for some. No flames, and don't sue.
Chapter 5: I Want My "Precious"! - Part One
Link was the first out of the court building. He sighed in relief, then saw the gigantic mountain in front of them.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'Mind your language,' Navi said stiffly.
'You'd swear too if you saw that giant mountain,' Link replied.
Navi looked up and saw the mountain.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'Told you,' Link shrugged.
'Shut the hell up you two!' Ozzy snapped, then he saw the mountain as well.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'How the hell are we going to get across this huge mountain?!' Author asked hysterically.
'Don't ask me,' Jennifer stated.
'No Mumbo know,' Mumbo said blankly.
'I have no frickin' idea,' Navi snapped.
'Just shut up you b**** fairy,' Ozzy groaned.
'Crikey that's a big mountain, yeah baby yeah!' Austin remarked.
'There's no way I'm going up that, to be sure, to be sure!' Tingle shivered. 'Well... unless there's a chairlift.'
'Meow!' Noodles meowed.
'Uh... do we burrow like rabbits?' Sara-Marie suggested stupidly, still clutching her bunny ears.
'Don't be ridiculous!' Navi laughed.
'This whole THING is ridiculous!' Ray shook his head.
'Not my fault you're here with us,' Author said smartly.
~Actually it is,~ Big Author's voice pointed out. ~You're writing this.~
'No, YOU are!'
~You!~
'You!'
~You!~
'Me!'
~Yeah, me!~
'...????'
~What?~
'Okay, you're just confusing me now.'
~No really, you ARE writing this. I'm just here as a backup in case anything should happen to you in this fanfic.~
'Which means that whatever I write affects everyone in this fanfic and the eventual end and all the other fanfics in the Chronicles which come afterwards which means...'
~Which means you're basically arguing with yourself about future Author Chronicles fanfics which you have not released information about.~
'Oh am I? Well maybe I should start arguing to myself about when I'm going to release that infor-'
'Look Author, when you've stopped your subconscious squabbling, can we just get back to what we were doing before?' Link asked irritably.
'Good point...' Author said ashamedly.
The whole group just stood there for a few minutes, wondering how they were going to get over the mountain, when there was a loud noise from about a kilometre away.
'What was that?' Ellie asked worriedly.
'I dunno, but we should go find out,' Link nodded, and he took out his sword. 'Oh, if any of you guys have coats or something, put them on now. It's cold up there!'
Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Mumbo, Ellie and Red admitted they didn't have any clothes (apart from what they had on).
'Navi, you DO have "super special wishing power", don't you?' Link pointed out.
'Oh yeah. I wish we all had warm clothes!' Navi wished, and immediately everyone was wearing a warm coat or jacket and gloves.
'Not quite what I had in mind,' Link frowned, indicating his new black leather overcoat and cloak which had appeared as a result of Navi's wish, 'but it'll do.'
'Better nothing than,' Mumbo shivered. He was still cold, despite the fact that he now had on a bodysuit that somewhat resembled the Michelin man, or maybe Fat Bastard.
'Okay, everyone ready?' Link asked, and everyone nodded or said, 'Yeah.'
The group started trudging through the newly-falling snow, which was already about half a metre from the ground. There was another loud noise - just louder this time.
'Maybe we should hurry up,' Ray thought. He was wearing a pinstriped coat.
'Good idea,' Jennifer nodded in her baby-pink hooded jacket, lined with white fake fur.
'Meow,' Noodles agreed. He was now in a little cat jumper with matching booties. It was really sweet.
'Hello? Anybody out there?' Link yelled into the snowy wilderness as they approached a pine forest.
'Link, you ever heard of AVALANCHES?!' Navi asked.
'Yeah.'
'Do you know what they ARE?'
'Yeah.'
'Do you know what they DO?'
'Yeah.'
'Do you know what can happen if you START ONE?'
'Yeah.'
'Then stop YELLING!'
'Speak for yourself,' Red groaned, then he noticed Mumbo trying to get a lick of his chocolate shell. 'No you don't!'
'But Mumbo chocolate want,' Mumbo moaned. 'Hungry Mumbo is.'
'Not again!' Link wheezed. He found his sword-wand and magicked up yet another meat pie, which Mumbo snatched up eagerly. 'Look, if anyone else wants something to eat, say so now, 'cause this is the last time I'm doing this before we get to the other side of the mountain!' Everyone dashed up to Link to take a meat pie.
After the short snack, the group resumed whatever they were doing, just as there was another loud noise. It sounded as though they were getting close to its source.
'I think we're getting close, baby,' Austin grinned as the group struggled through the chest-deep snow, trying to avoid getting whacked in the face by a low snow-covered tree branch.
'Easy for you to say,' Sara-Marie mumbled. She was near the back of the group, while Austin was close to the front.
Ozzy was in about the middle of the group, so he stopped for a moment. He hid behind a tree, bended a low branch back and waited for Tingle to pass by. But he didn't come.
'Tingle, come here mate!' Ozzy called. What he didn't know was that Tingle was creeping up behind him, a large snowball in hand.
Tingle threw the snowball and it hit Ozzy right on target, making him let go of the tree branch in surprise, whacking Sara-Marie instead.
'Ow! That really hurt, Ozzy!!' Sara-Marie yelled, and she bent the branch back to whack Ozzy himself.
'C***! You're gonna get it now, f***ing Ooompa-Loompa man!' Ozzy snarled cheekily as he scooped up a snowball of his own.
The rest of the group were about ten metres ahead when Link finally realised that Ozzy, Tingle and Sara-Marie were having a snowball fight - Ozzy had screamed because the branch had whupped his bum so incredibly hard he thought he'd have a bruise for weeks.
'You three, come on!' Link yelled. He got a snowball in the face in return. 'Ooh you're going to pay for that!' Link made some snowballs of his own and chucked them at Ozzy. They hit right on target.
'S***, you got a good aim there, pretty-boy!' Ozzy threw another snowball but it missed and hit Austin on the back of the head instead.
'What was that?' Austin asked and saw Ozzy grinning at him from nearby. 'You're on, Ozzy baby!' The shagadelic spy gathered some snowballs to throw at Ozzy. A few missed, instead hitting most of the rest of the group.
Mumbo was using his "mighty Mumbo magic" to make extra large snowballs; Author and Navi, being too small to throw big snowballs (they could almost have been used as snowballs themselves!), used peashooters; Jennifer, Sara-Marie, Red and Ray had teamed together and were now ganging up on Link, Rove, Author and Navi; Noodles just flitted around, kicking snow at everyone he could find.
Tingle had now started throwing objects other than snowballs - paper planes made from his rather bad maps, branches from the tree, even the occasional Bomb from out of his pocket. He aimed them all at Ozzy.
But what happens when Bombs explode near snow?...
BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
Snow flew everywhere. Link yelled and grabbed Author, Navi and Noodles just as a huge pile of snow came tumbling down on them; while everyone else just ducked. Unfortunately they too were covered in snow.
A long silence settled over the area where ten seconds ago there had been one Hylian, two fairies, a large cat, a pink elephant, a pink and yellow skull thing, a large red-shelled chocolate, a map-making nutter who wore his underpants on the outside of his shorts, a psychedelic man from the 60's and five assorted celebrities, all having a snowball fight.
[sounds of crickets, unnatural coughing and tumbleweeds]
'?'
There were sounds somewhere above Link. Something like digging. After a few minutes, Link could suddenly see the light.
'I see the light!'
'Is tha' you, Link?' asked a very familiar voice.
'HAGRID?!'
'The one an' on'y. Wha' yeh doin' 'ere, trapped under this snow?'
'I'll tell you if you dig us out.'
'Us?'
'There's more people under here - I reckon they'd be suffocating by now!'
'Oh. Right. Can yer lend a hand?' Hagrid asked.
'Sure - I still got my shovel.'
Hagrid grabbed onto Link's outstretched arms and pulled him out of the hole. Author, Navi and Noodles flew/jumped out after him.
'Meow!' Noodles exclaimed, looking at Hagrid.
'Aaaaachoo!' Hagrid sneezed.
'Are you allergic to cats?' Link asked in surprise.
'Yep. Yer better kip that 'un away from me.'
Link and Hagrid started digging with their shovels. Even Noodles lent a hand - er, paw.
'I found some'un!' Hagrid yelled after a bit. He helped Rove out from the snow.
'That,' Rove panted, 'was bad. I don't EVER want to do that again.'
After a few more minutes, Austin, Jennifer, Sara-Marie and Ray had been found.
'How far down are the others anyway?' Hagrid asked.
'Why don't we just leave them there?' Sara-Marie suggested. 'Mumbo and Tingle are really annoying.'
'Good point, but... we'd get in trouble if they died in this fanfic,' Author sighed. 'And then their creators would sue us...'
'This is ridiculous,' Link moaned. 'Stand back everyone, and if you catch on fire it's your own fault!' He used Din's Fire and the snow melted instantly, revealing Ozzy, Red, Mumbo, Tingle and Ellie.
'Air! Sweet, nourishing air - to be sure, to be sure!' Tingle jumped for joy.
'Ah shut the f*** up,' Ozzy grunted.
'Nothing that was,' Mumbo shrugged. '"Mumbo mighty magic" breathe Mumbo make.'
'Ah shut the f*** up,' Ozzy repeated.
'Only a few more centimetres and my trunk would've reached the surface,' Ellie boasted.
'Ah shut the f*** up.'
'Why don't YOU?'
'Ah shut the f*- hell no!'
'BOTH of you shut up,' Link snapped.
'Who are these people anyway?' Hagrid asked.
'Uh... I hope you have a good memory, I really hope so... me and Navi you already know, um... Author, she's that fairy - no, not the red one, that's Navi covered in snake blood, don't ask... Tingle, that's the little shrimp over there with his underpants on the outside of his shorts -' ('Hey!' Tingle yelled, offended) '- er, the cat's Noodles, weird name - again, don't ask; Austin Powers is the very colourful-looking man with the glasses and bad teeth -' ('Hey!' Austin yelled, offended) '- Ellie's the pink elephant, and NO, she's not a figment of our imaginations; Mumbo Jumbo is the thing with the skull for a head; Ozzy Osbourne is that man with the extremely long hair and a swearing problem -' ('Hey!' Ozzy yelled, offended) '- uh, the woman with the bunny ears is Sara-Marie; that guy with the pinstriped coat is Ray Martin; that guy you pulled out after me is Rove - wave, Rove! - the large red chocolate thing is Red; and that woman with the pink jacket is Jennifer Lopez, also known as J. Lo.'
'So what yer all doin' here?' Hagrid asked.
'We're trying to find a way over this mountain so we can find the "mysterious hut" which will hopefully end this dream,' Link said.
Hagrid stared at Link blankly.
'Long story. Now why you here, Hagrid?'
'I dunno. Don' even know how I got here, so I ain't much help.'
'Course you can help!' Link jumped, suddenly getting an idea. 'You can help dig through this snow so we can get over the mountain.'
'Uh... alrigh', but I'll be needin' some help.'
'No problem,' Link said, patting his Fire Arrows.
Meanwhile, at the summit of the mountain...
'Blow my Chilly Billy, blow!' Osama Bin-Laden commanded.
'My name is Chilly WILLY, how many times do I have to tell you that?!' Chilly Willy the ice dragon snapped.
'Fine, fine... I'll try to remember next time. [giggle]'
'What? Is there something wrong with my name?'
'[snort] There's nothing wrong, Chilly Wil-' Bin-Laden cracked up laughing.
'Just because my name's Chilly Willy doesn't mean you can laugh at it!'
'But it's [snort] funny!'
'Hey, don't blame me, blame Rareware! They created me! And don't laugh or I'll turn you into a block of ice!'
'Hem hem!' Umbridge interrupted.
'What is it?' Bin-Laden asked, trying to straighten his face (with difficulty).
'The jerks are approaching.'
'Well I knew that already! Get back to your post and STOP WASTING MY VALUABLE REVENGE-PLOTTING TIME!!!!'
'Yes sir,' Umbridge scowled in her fake-sweet voice before stomping back down the mountain.
'Muahahaha, once I have gotten rid of that really insane group of idiots and their pathetic leader, Link, I will be free to take over "Wherever The Hell We Are", and soon after, the whole world!!' Bin-Laden laughed maniacally. He found his record player and put on a record which was meant to play glorifying music, but instead it played Mary Had A Little Lamb. 'Doh, must be the wrong side.' He flipped the record over and the glorifying music started playing.
'MUAHAHAHA!!!!'
'Er, yeah... mua, ha, ha, ha,' said Chilly Willy unenthusiastically.
'-_- No, it's MUAHAHAHA!'
'Uh... Mua ha ha ha.'
'o_o; MUAHAHAHA!!'
'Duh... Mua-ha ha-ha!'
'o_O MUAHAHAHA!!!'
'Um... Mua hahaha!'
'O_O THAT'S NOT RIGHT YOU F***ING IDIOT! IT'S MUAHAHAHA!!!! GET IT?!'
'Ah... Muahahaha. Good enough?'
'Better. Needs practise.'
It was about ten minutes later. Link and the group were walking through a large forest, when there was an odd sound.
[cue odd sound]
'What's that odd sound?' Link asked.
'You should know, you've got giant pointy ears!' Author snapped.
'No, YOU should know, YOU'RE writing this!'
'Good point.'
'S***, it looks like something from those f***ing Monty Python movies,' Ozzy groaned.
'Ni!' came the odd sound. 'Ni! Ni! Ni!'
'o_o; What IS that retarded thing?' Link asked, drawing his sword.
'It's the Knights,' Rove whispered.
'Knights? Knights of what?'
'The Knights of -'
But Rove was cut off by a loud 'Ni!'
A large person in black armour strode up to the group from somewhere. 'Ni!'
'So it's THAT thing that's sayi-' Link was interrupted by Rove again.
'Ssssshh! You have to say who we are and where we're going or he'll NEVER let us pass!'
Link walked up to the black-armoured knight, cleared his throat and said in his most formal manner, 'Erm... hello good sir. I am Link, Hero of Time, and this is my travelling group. We wish to leave this forest so we may hopefully cross over the mountain, as we are on a quest for the "mysterious hut", which will hopefully end this really weird dream.'
'Ni!' the knight said. 'I am one of the Knights of Ni. You may not leave this forest until you find me... a SHRUBBERY (dun dun dun!). Ni!'
Everyone drew back. 'You don't mean... a SHRUBBERY?' Link asked.
'Ni! Find a SHRUBBERY and you may leave. If you don't... NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI!'
Everyone flinched at the awful "Ni" sounds.
'Alright, we'll go get your stupid SHRUBBERY!' Link yelled. 'Group huddle!'
The group huddled into a tight circle.
'Okay, anyone know where to find a SHRUBBERY?'
'No,' Jennifer said.
'SHRUBBERY no Mumbo have,' Mumbo grunted.
'I don't even know what one is, to be sure, to be sure, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle shrieked.
'A SHRUBBERY is just a nice bush. You know, kinda like what you'd find in hedge mazes,' Rove said knowledgeably.
'How do you know so much about this Knight of Ni and the SHRUBBERY?' Link asked.
'I watch Monty Python movies.'
'I think I know where ter find a SHRUBBERY,' Hagrid said. 'But we'll be walkin' a fair mile.'
'Whatever, just get me that SHRUBBERY,' Link yelled.
Deeper into the forest...
'Ah, 'ere it is.' Hagrid pointed to a small wooden log hut in front of them.
'How can a log hut be a SHRUBBERY?' Link asked hysterically.
'It's not. Just go in the hut.'
Link and Hagrid entered the hut and somehow found themselves in Greenhouse Three at Hogwarts.
'What are we doing HERE?!' Link asked hysterically.
'Professa Sprout'll have a SHRUBBERY, I'm sure o' it. Oy, Professa Sprout!' Hagrid called.
'Yes, Hagrid?' Sprout asked from nearby. She seemed to be watering a Venemous Tentacula.
'Do yer have a SHRUBBERY? Link 'ere needs one.'
'A SHRUBBERY... I'm afraid I don't have one of those. Maybe Dumbledore knows where to find one.'
'Thanks Professa. Come 'un, Link.'
Outside Professor Dumbledore's Office... Er, I Mean... Wait, Where's The Script? GIVE IT HERE, AUTHOR!
No, You're Ripping It!
I SAID GIVE IT HERE!
Ask Nicely Then.
[groan] Fine. Please Can I Have The Script?
Sure!
Thank You Author. Okay, What Does This Say?... Au-THOR!!!!
What Now?!
This Is The Script For [name of fanfic censored], Not For One Really Weird Dream!
Well Don't Blame Me!
Who Else Am I Going To Blame? My Game Boy?
That's The Oldest Excuse In The Book.
No It's Not, "My Dog Ate It" Is The Oldest Trick.
You're Right, My Dog DID Eat It. The Script, I Mean.
You Don't HAVE A Dog!
Well Then Maybe It Was My Growlithe.
Growlithes Are Pokémon. POKÉMON DON'T REALLY EXIST!
Well Then Maybe It Was My Gelert.
Gelerts Are Neopets. NEOPETS DON'T REALLY EXIST!
Well Then Maybe It Was My... Uh... Wolfos.
Since When Do You Have A Wolfos?
Since Now. Ha.
...I WANT ONE!
Well You Can't Have One, Because WOLFOS DON'T REALLY EXIST!
Author, Did You Know That Every Word We're Saying Right Now Is Being Written On The Page?!?!
You Mean Being Typed Up On The Screen.
Whatever. ...So Stop Talking And FIND THAT SCRIPT Or We'll Never Be Able To Get Back To The Main Story!
Fine.
~Ten Minutes Later~
Found It! [holds up regurgitated script]
Ewwwwwww... Give It Here! [snatches regurgitated script]
Well I DID Say That My Dog Ate It... And Just WHO Didn't Believe Me?
¬_¬ Grrrr.
We Now Apologise For Any Injuries That May Have Occured While Falling Off Of Your Chair Laughing. Now Let's Get Back To The Story!
Outside Professor Dumbledore's Gargoyle Statue That Will Jump Aside To Reveal A Staircase To His Office When The Correct Password Is Said...
'What IS the new password?' Link asked.
'It's Licorice Wand,' Hagrid said, and the stone gargoyle jumped aside so Hagrid and Link could go up the stairs.
'Professa Dumbledore!' Hagrid yelled, banging his right fist on the door.
'What is it, Hagrid?' Dumbledore asked impatiently, opening the door. Then he saw Link. 'Oh, Link! What are you doing here? Visiting, I hope? Come in, we can have a nice chat -'
'We're in a hurry, Professor,' Link said urgently. Dumbledore's smile faded a little. 'Look, do you know where to find a SHRUBBERY that we could give to the Knights of Ni?'
'A SHRUBBERY... I'm afraid I don't have one of those. Maybe Molly Weasley knows where to find one, I think she has some in her backyard.'
'Oh. Thank you Professor, we've got to go. But I'll come back for a talk later, OK?' Link promised.
Outside The Burrow...
'Aaaahh!' Link stumbled over a chicken.
'Yeh think yeh got problems, look at me,' Hagrid grumbled. He'd gotten the Weasleys' cauldron stuck on his boot.
Link pulled the large pot off of Hagrid's gigantic shoe, then they both went over to the front door and knocked.
'Hello?' Mrs. Weasley answered the door. 'OH! Hagrid and Link! Welcome! Come in, come in!'
'Nice to see you, but we're in a kind of hurry,' Link said. 'We were wondering if you had a SHRUBBERY anywhere...'
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
'Um... I might have a SHRUBBERY somewhere in the backyard, but I'll have to go look,' Mrs. Weasley said. She beckoned for Hagrid and Link to follow her.
Mrs. Weasley flittered about the garden, trying to find a SHRUBBERY.
'It seems that we -'
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
'- do have a SHRUBBERY,' Mrs. Weasley finished, frowning at the fact that she had just been cut off by an Intermission.
'Hey look, it's not MY fault!' the Intermission yelled.
~Shut up you Intermission, you're meant to be sitting there between those squiggly lines!~ Big Author snapped.
'Oh fine...' the Intermission walked off.
'Here is the SHRUBBERY,' Mrs. Weasley said, handing the plant to Link to hold. 'I suppose you have to leave now?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' Link said. 'Come on Hagrid.'
Outside Greenhouse Three At Hogwarts...
'So where's the way BACK to "Wherever The Hell We Are"?' Link asked.
'Is that what the place is called?' Hagrid asked.
'Yes. And where is the warp?'
'Under this Mandrake.' Hagrid pointed to a large Mandrake leaf.
'Mandrake? An ADULT Mandrake?!... Din help me. Where can we get some earmuffs?'
'Is there something wrong, Link?' Professor Sprout asked.
'It's just that to get back to the place we were in before, we have to jump in the hole where that Mandrake is sitting,' Link said.
'Oh. I'll get some earmuffs then.'
Two seconds later, Sprout was back with three pairs of earmuffs. All three of them were pink and fluffy.
'Aaaaaaaaaaahhh! Pink! I didn' ask fer that 'un!' Hagrid yelled.
'I'll change them,' Link moaned, taking his and Hagrid's earmuffs and Transfiguring them with his wand so that they were blue. 'Better?'
'Yep.'
When Hagrid, Link and Sprout had put their earmuffs on, Sprout pulled the Mandrake out of the hole.
Hagrid and Link waved bye to Sprout before jumping into the hole and falling back into "Wherever The Hell We Are".
Back In "Wherever The Hell We Are"...
'Unnnn... where am I?' Link asked dazedly.
'Link! Did you get the SHRUBBERY?' Rove questioned.
'What's a shrubbery?'
'Don't play stupid, Link, we need that SHRUBBERY to give to the Knights of Ni so we can get through this forest and over the mountain.'
'Link, wake up!' Hagrid said, shaking Link roughly.
'Who's Link?' Link asked.
'Who's Link?!' Rove repeated. 'You're Link, duh! Hero of Time or whatever they call you.'
'I think he's sick,' Ozzy said.
'Link's not sick,' Hagrid shook his head. 'He ain't disgustin' or stuff like that.'
'No, I mean that this pretty-boy's got amnesia. He can't remember who the hell he is.'
'That's the first useful thing you've said this chapter, Ozzy,' Author said. 'Isn't that amazing?'
'Shut the hell up, you f***ing fairy.'
'Hagrid, how did you get back here to "Wherever The Hell We Are"? I know you walked into a log hut which was really a warp to Hogwarts to get there, but...' Navi trailed off.
'We had ter jump into a hole in Greenhouse Three. The hole was where a Mandrake was planted,' Hagrid said.
'A Mandrake... Who took the Mandrake out?'
'Professa Sprout. We were all wearin' earmuffs, see?' Hagrid pointed to his blue fluffy pair.
'Wait, Link isn't wearing his earmuffs. What happened?'
'Maybe they fell off while we were goin' through the warp. Link was holdin' the SHRUBBERY.'
'Or maybe he thought that when he was in the warp, the Mandrake's cries wouldn't affect him.'
'Who knows, but I think that's the case here.'
'Which means that the Mandrake caused Link's amnesia. What if we found something or someone loud and annoying enough to yell into Link's ear, then he'd get rid of his amnesia?' Navi suggested.
'Good idea. Okay, who here is loud and annoying enough?' Rove asked.
'I'm loud, you mother-f***er,' Ozzy said.
'I'm annoying, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.
'I'm both, baby,' Austin said.
'I can sing loud,' Jennifer said.
'Mumbo make noise loud magic with,' Mumbo said.
'Meow!' Noodles said.
'I'm really loud,' Hagrid said.
'I'm not loud, but I have really smelly breath,' Red said.
'I'm annoying,' Navi said.
'I can make really funny jokes,' Rove said.
'I can trumpet my trunk loud,' Ellie said.
'I can do all of those things and much more,' Author said.
~I can do all of those things and WAY more than you can, Author,~ Big Author said.
'I can do - wait, what CAN I do?' Link asked.
'What are you all doing here?' an unfamiliar voice asked.
'Who are you?' Link asked.
'I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Who are you?' Aragorn asked.
'Er -' Link started, but was cut off by Navi.
'He's Link, the Hero of Time. I'm Navi, his guardian fairy; that other fairy is Author, she wrote this fanfic; the nutter with the big red nose is Tingle; the cat is Noodles; the crazy guy with the big black glasses is Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery; the pink elephant is Ellie; the skull thing is Mumbo Jumbo, best shaman in this fanfic; the punk-sorta guy is Ozzy Osbourne, he swears a lot; the woman with the fake bunny ears is Sara-Marie; the pinstriped-suit man is Ray Martin, host of the Australian A Current Affair TV show; the big red circle thing with arms and legs is Red; and the blondish woman is Jennifer Lopez, also known as J. Lo. Oh, and the big hairy giant guy is Hagrid. Any questions?'
'Um... Fanfic? Man of Mystery?! Punk?!? Bunny ears?!?! TV?!?!?' Aragorn asked.
'A fanfic is a story about something - usually a video game, TV show, movie or book - that has been written by someone. An International Man of Mystery, um... you'll have to ask Austin about that one. Punk -'
'So what are you all doing here, stranded in this snowy pine forest?' Aragorn interrupted.
'Well, it's kind of a long story,' Author replied. 'A flashback would take too long, so just flick back a few chapters and see what happened.'
Aragorn stared blankly at Author and Navi.
'Author, let me explain, I can do it better than you can,' Navi said. 'Link and I got stuck in "Wherever The Hell We Are", and we're trying to find the "mysterious hut" so we can hopefully get out of this really weird dream. Everyone else is just tagging along after us, since they don't have anywhere else to go or they want out of this dream too.'
'I mean, why are you on the mountain?'
'Um, well...' Navi explained the situation.
'So Link has amnesia because he and Hagrid went to Hogwarts to get a SHRUBBERY for the Knights of Ni so you all can pass through the forest so you can get over the mountain to find the "mysterious hut" which will hopefully get you out of this dream. Rriigghhtt,' Aragorn said once Navi had finished.
'We're trying to think of ways to snap Link out of it,' Navi said.
'Well... what does he like most?'
'He likes sword-fighting.'
'Does he? Cool, I like sword-fighting too!' Aragorn laughed.
'Maybe you could hit him on the head with your sword then.'
'OK, I'll try. Just don't blame me if he gets a major concussion.'
'Concussion? That would mean we'd have to wish for that crazy hospital again. The one with Dr. Mario and Dr. Evil and Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy - ugh.'
Aragorn hit Link on the head with his sword.
'Ow! That really hurt! Now I'm going to have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a sharp metal object like that? Honestly?!' Link yelled, rubbing his head.
'I didn't throw it,' Aragorn said.
'I think we're going to have to resort to our original plan,' Navi said. 'We'll have to go find something really loud, annoying and dangerous to snap him out of his amnesia.'
'But where are we going to find something like that?' Ray asked.
'I reckon I know where to go... but it involves going INTO the mountain. Did you know it's really an active volcano?' Aragorn asked.
Everyone except Aragorn and Link yelled 'Holy c***!'
'Is there a dragon named Volvagia in there by any chance?' Navi asked.
'Yep, and he's the one we're going to look for to cure Link's amnesia.'
Everyone except Aragorn and Link yelled 'Holy c***!' again.
'Well, dragons roar loud, don't they?'
'Too right they do,' Navi said. 'Volvagia almost made me deaf last time we fought him.'
'Okay, who's going to drag Link along to make him come?' Aragorn asked.
Everyone (except Link and Aragorn) immediately pointed at Hagrid.
'What? Just because I'm big and strong, yeh pick me? ...Oh fine,' Hagrid groaned, and he picked Link up and hefted him over his shoulder in a fireman's hold.
'Hey, what are you doing to me?!' Link yelled. 'Let me go you f***ing idiot! Help! Somebody's trying to kidnap me! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!'
'Shut up, I'm on'y forcin' yer to come with us to find Volvagia,' Hagrid said.
'Have you realised that you haven't given us your SHRUBBERY yet?' a Knight of Ni asked.
'Oh, uh, here it is, Sir Knight,' Hagrid said, picking up the SHRUBBERY and giving it to the Knight of Ni.
'It's too small. Besides, now we are the Knights Who Formerly Said "Ni" And Now Say "Eki Eki Eki" Or Something Like That, and we want you to chop a tree down with this large fish. Eki eki eki!'
'No way, we're going,' Author said. 'Hagrid, CHARGE!!!!'
Hagrid pushed through the ranks of the Knights Who Formerly Said "Ni" And Now Say "Eki Eki Eki" Or Something Like That, making a huge path through them, and everyone else ran/flew over them.
'Hey! Come back! You haven't chopped down a tree with our large fish yet!' the leader of the Knights yelled.
'Too late, we're already gone!' Aragorn yelled as he ran. 'Ha-ha!'
About half an hour later...
'So this is the cave that we have to go into to find Volvagia?' Rove asked Aragorn.
'Sure is. Follow me, peoples!'
'WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!?!' Link yelled, still hung over Hagrid's shoulder.
'Put a sock in it!' Navi snapped.
'No, I have a better idea...' Author smiled mysteriously, and took out a roll of sticky tape.
'Mmmmmmmrrrm***mrnmnfffffffmmmmmmmnnnnnnhffffff!' ~Get this f***ing sticky tape off me!~ Link yelled.
'Oh great, you got that PokéDex s*** swearing again!' Ozzy groaned.
'Shut up the lot of you, or I'll cut your goddamn heads off,' Aragorn growled. 'I'm not going to put up with this any longer. Now if you want to find Volvagia so we can un-amnesia Link, follow me and SHUT THE HELL UP!'
'Good for you, Aragorn!' Author agreed. 'And by the way, houzhi nailao!'
'What does "houzhi nailao" mean?!' everyone except Author asked.
'It means "monkey cheese" in Chinese. Duh!'
'o_O That's just scary.'
'Good for you!'
'SHUT UP OR I WON'T HELP YOU AT ALL!!!!' Aragorn yelled.
'Sorry,' everyone apologized.
'Look, we're going in NOW. NO MORE DELAYS.'
'Besides, I don't know how much more I can fit into this Notepad file,' Author added.
Everyone rolled their eyes.
About another half hour later...
'Ssssssssshhh! Inside here is Volvagia's lair,' Aragorn whispered. 'We have to be quiet or he'll wake up. Hagrid, come with me and bring Link with you. Everyone else, stay here.'
Aragorn and Hagrid (with Link on his shoulder, waving his arms around in protest) tiptoed up to the sleeping dragon and gently placed Link right in front of Volvagia's big jaws.
'Are you feeding me to this thing?!' Link yelled.
'Sssssssssssshhhhh!' Hagrid hissed.
'Hagrid, poke Volvagia,' Aragorn instructed.
'You know,' Author said before Hagrid could do anything, 'I learnt something long ago. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Or at least that's what a dragon tamer told me.'
'Too late, we've already meddled,' Hagrid said as he poked Volvagia.
Volvagia sleepily opened one eye, and saw Link right in front of him.
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~I know you, you're that guy who killed me in the Fire Temple!~ Volvagia roared.
'Geez, have you flossed lately?' was all that Link said.
'Rrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~I am SOOOOO offended!~
'Or at least have some Tic-Tacs.'
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~What the hell are Tic-Tacs?~
'I don't know.'
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~Then why are you wasting my valuable time with comments about my bad breath? I wanna fight!~
'I think he's talking to you,' Link hissed to Aragorn.
'Link! Your sword!' Aragorn yelled as he and Hagrid backed away from Volvagia.
'What? This sharp metal object that's strapped to my back?' Link asked as he pulled the sword out of its sheath.
'Yeah, that thing! Wave it around a bit!'
'Um, okay.' Link waved the sword around a bit. It clattered against Volvagia's scales, and he roared again.
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~That hurt, you mother-f***in' s***head mental constipated idiot!~
'Is that the best you can do?' Ozzy yelled from the doorway.
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~Is that a challenge?~
'Uh, yeah, I guess it is.'
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!' ~Bring it on, skanky!~
'Link! Get out your Mirror Shield!' Aragorn and Navi yelled.
'Shield? What the hell is that? Is it another sharp metal object?' Link asked.
Aragorn slapped his head and took out the Mirror Shield for Link. 'This. Hold it in your right hand and swing the sword with your left. If Volvagia breathes fire, you can reflect it back at him using the shield.'
While Ozzy was having a swearing contest with Volvagia, Link sneaked around to Volvagia's belly and stabbed the sword into the dragon's flesh.
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~GET THAT F***ING SWORD OUT OF MY HEART!!!!~ Volvagia roared the loudest yet, and breathed flame at Link, who hid beneath the Mirror Shield, but still got charred.
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!' Link yelled, then he remembered what was happening. He was fighting Volvagia. He, Link, was fighting Volvagia, a dragon. Dragons breath fire. Fire gets put out by water.
[lightglobe turns on in head] Link had an idea.
'Go... Vaporeon! Starmie! Golduck! Sparky!' Link yelled, tossing four Poké Balls. 'Hydro Pump, all of you! Well... alright, Sparky - Electric Sword Tail!'
'Hey look, Link's alright!' Ellie yelled. 'He hasn't got amnesia anymore!'
'What did you say, Ellie?' Link asked.
'Oh, nothing...'
Vaporeon, Starmie and Golduck started spraying water on the evil dragon, while Sparky the Metal Pikachu (A/N: My creation, hehe) crouched, and orange flames started surrounding her tail. She charged up her electricity and then jumped at Volvagia, spinning around as she released the lightning bolt and magic spin from her metal tail.
'What IS that?' Aragorn wondered.
'I dunno,' Hagrid shrugged.
Link then let go of his sword (leaving it stuck in Volvagia), took out the Megaton Hammer and drove the sword deeper into the dragon's heart.
Volvagia staggered and flopped to the ground. 'Roar,' ~Don't kill me,~ he whimpered. 'Roar roar roar roooooaaar.' ~I was only trying to be nice.~
'Roaring and breathing flame isn't the right way to be nice,' Link said.
'Roar?' ~It's not?~
'No. Look, if you stop trying to attack me, I'll heal you up and you can come with us so I can teach you how to be nice.'
'Roar roar roaaar?' ~You'd do that for me?~
'Sure I would.'
'Roar roar roar rooooaaaarrrr.' ~That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.~
'Then that's settled. By the way, what happened earlier? All I remember is jumping into a Mandrake hole with Hagrid and a giant SHRUBBERY...'
'Um,' Navi said, looking distractedly around the cavern, 'nothing happened.'
'Then why can't I remember whatever happened?'
'Never mind.'
'Roooooaaaarrr,' ~Hello! I need HELP here!~ Volvagia growled.
'Oh, yeah. I wish for a doctor! A dragon doctor!' Navi said.
'Hello, I'm Lance, Dragon trainer and Champion of the Elite Four,' a man said, walking into the cavern. 'As I understand it, your dragon Pokémon needs healing.'
'Lance! What are you doing here?' Link asked.
'Link, is that you?'
'Sure is!'
'Cool. Let me and Nurse Joy check our your Pokémon then,' Lance smiled. 'We'll do it for free.'
'Volvagia isn't my dragon, and he DEFINITELY isn't a Pokémon.'
Lance took one look at Volvagia and said, 'Holy s***, you're right.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters In This Chapter, Part One
Hagrid
Chilly Willy (temporary)
Knights of Ni (temporary)
Professor Sprout (temporary)
Professor Dumbledore (temporary)
Molly Weasley (temporary)
An Intermission (temporary... for now)
Aragorn
Volvagia
Vaporeon, Golduck, Starmie and Sparky the Metal Pikachu, four of Link's Pokémon (temporary)
Lance (from the Pokémon games; temporary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next Chapter: I Want My "Precious"! Part Two
Link and co. now have to go back out of the mountain to get over it. But... there's a problem with that plan - Osama Bin-Laden and Chilly Willy are on top of the mountain. So the gang has to go through the tunnels in the mountain/active volcano to get to the other side. Trouble is, they've gotten lost.
There's only one person who can save them now... and he wants his "precious" back.
---
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Due to the fact that the I Want My "Precious"! chapter is so long (and therefore has two parts), there will be no Super Fun Happy Hints until the end of Part Two. Sorry about this, folks.
---
Second Super Fun Happy Feature!
Are there any Zelda-fic Authors who want to star in One Really Weird Dream? Just ask in a review or email (check my profile). I need at least four Authors (not including myself) before I write Chapter 7: The Annual Author Convention.
---
Look at moiye please, look at moiye, look at MOIYE... Now I have one word to say to you - Review please! Be nice :)
Aw wait, that was four words and an emoticon... waaaah.
PS: I was pretending to be Kath & Kim (the main characters of a comedy series on Australian ABC if you didn't know).
~~~
another really weird fanfic by charity236
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author, Ellie and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.
Hi. Yes, a new chapter. I know it's been a long time, but I've been extremely busy with schoolwork (agghh!), friends, video-game playing (heh) and other fanfics (some that are not on Fanfiction.net, some that are, and some that will be posted in the future). But at the time of writing I am in the middle of my school holidays, so I have more time to write stuff :D
Speaking of writing, this chapter was so big that I couldn't fit all of it into one file (blame my computer's low memory), so I've had to put it in TWO parts. I'll print the next part next week (and if not then, ASAP).
Anyway, this is a (kinda) LOTR and Harry Potter influenced chapter. Link and his rather large group have just left the court building - and found a gigantic mountain. DOH! In fact, it's really an active volcano. DOUBLE DOH!! And going under the mountain could be the only way past it... TRIPLE DOH!!!
Be prepared for giant people (hint hint), the afore-mentioned dark tunnels, more swearing (mostly from Ozzy), more violence (from pretty much), dragons, sword-fighting, Monty Python references (Ni!)... and in Part Two, there's also a "Mysterious Ring Which Doesn't Do What You'd Think It Would Do" (no, REALLY! I mean it!), and Gollum. SINGING Gollum. This is the most ridiculous chapter yet!
Oh and PLEASE review, I'm hurtin' for some. No flames, and don't sue.
Chapter 5: I Want My "Precious"! - Part One
Link was the first out of the court building. He sighed in relief, then saw the gigantic mountain in front of them.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'Mind your language,' Navi said stiffly.
'You'd swear too if you saw that giant mountain,' Link replied.
Navi looked up and saw the mountain.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'Told you,' Link shrugged.
'Shut the hell up you two!' Ozzy snapped, then he saw the mountain as well.
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'How the hell are we going to get across this huge mountain?!' Author asked hysterically.
'Don't ask me,' Jennifer stated.
'No Mumbo know,' Mumbo said blankly.
'I have no frickin' idea,' Navi snapped.
'Just shut up you b**** fairy,' Ozzy groaned.
'Crikey that's a big mountain, yeah baby yeah!' Austin remarked.
'There's no way I'm going up that, to be sure, to be sure!' Tingle shivered. 'Well... unless there's a chairlift.'
'Meow!' Noodles meowed.
'Uh... do we burrow like rabbits?' Sara-Marie suggested stupidly, still clutching her bunny ears.
'Don't be ridiculous!' Navi laughed.
'This whole THING is ridiculous!' Ray shook his head.
'Not my fault you're here with us,' Author said smartly.
~Actually it is,~ Big Author's voice pointed out. ~You're writing this.~
'No, YOU are!'
~You!~
'You!'
~You!~
'Me!'
~Yeah, me!~
'...????'
~What?~
'Okay, you're just confusing me now.'
~No really, you ARE writing this. I'm just here as a backup in case anything should happen to you in this fanfic.~
'Which means that whatever I write affects everyone in this fanfic and the eventual end and all the other fanfics in the Chronicles which come afterwards which means...'
~Which means you're basically arguing with yourself about future Author Chronicles fanfics which you have not released information about.~
'Oh am I? Well maybe I should start arguing to myself about when I'm going to release that infor-'
'Look Author, when you've stopped your subconscious squabbling, can we just get back to what we were doing before?' Link asked irritably.
'Good point...' Author said ashamedly.
The whole group just stood there for a few minutes, wondering how they were going to get over the mountain, when there was a loud noise from about a kilometre away.
'What was that?' Ellie asked worriedly.
'I dunno, but we should go find out,' Link nodded, and he took out his sword. 'Oh, if any of you guys have coats or something, put them on now. It's cold up there!'
Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Mumbo, Ellie and Red admitted they didn't have any clothes (apart from what they had on).
'Navi, you DO have "super special wishing power", don't you?' Link pointed out.
'Oh yeah. I wish we all had warm clothes!' Navi wished, and immediately everyone was wearing a warm coat or jacket and gloves.
'Not quite what I had in mind,' Link frowned, indicating his new black leather overcoat and cloak which had appeared as a result of Navi's wish, 'but it'll do.'
'Better nothing than,' Mumbo shivered. He was still cold, despite the fact that he now had on a bodysuit that somewhat resembled the Michelin man, or maybe Fat Bastard.
'Okay, everyone ready?' Link asked, and everyone nodded or said, 'Yeah.'
The group started trudging through the newly-falling snow, which was already about half a metre from the ground. There was another loud noise - just louder this time.
'Maybe we should hurry up,' Ray thought. He was wearing a pinstriped coat.
'Good idea,' Jennifer nodded in her baby-pink hooded jacket, lined with white fake fur.
'Meow,' Noodles agreed. He was now in a little cat jumper with matching booties. It was really sweet.
'Hello? Anybody out there?' Link yelled into the snowy wilderness as they approached a pine forest.
'Link, you ever heard of AVALANCHES?!' Navi asked.
'Yeah.'
'Do you know what they ARE?'
'Yeah.'
'Do you know what they DO?'
'Yeah.'
'Do you know what can happen if you START ONE?'
'Yeah.'
'Then stop YELLING!'
'Speak for yourself,' Red groaned, then he noticed Mumbo trying to get a lick of his chocolate shell. 'No you don't!'
'But Mumbo chocolate want,' Mumbo moaned. 'Hungry Mumbo is.'
'Not again!' Link wheezed. He found his sword-wand and magicked up yet another meat pie, which Mumbo snatched up eagerly. 'Look, if anyone else wants something to eat, say so now, 'cause this is the last time I'm doing this before we get to the other side of the mountain!' Everyone dashed up to Link to take a meat pie.
After the short snack, the group resumed whatever they were doing, just as there was another loud noise. It sounded as though they were getting close to its source.
'I think we're getting close, baby,' Austin grinned as the group struggled through the chest-deep snow, trying to avoid getting whacked in the face by a low snow-covered tree branch.
'Easy for you to say,' Sara-Marie mumbled. She was near the back of the group, while Austin was close to the front.
Ozzy was in about the middle of the group, so he stopped for a moment. He hid behind a tree, bended a low branch back and waited for Tingle to pass by. But he didn't come.
'Tingle, come here mate!' Ozzy called. What he didn't know was that Tingle was creeping up behind him, a large snowball in hand.
Tingle threw the snowball and it hit Ozzy right on target, making him let go of the tree branch in surprise, whacking Sara-Marie instead.
'Ow! That really hurt, Ozzy!!' Sara-Marie yelled, and she bent the branch back to whack Ozzy himself.
'C***! You're gonna get it now, f***ing Ooompa-Loompa man!' Ozzy snarled cheekily as he scooped up a snowball of his own.
The rest of the group were about ten metres ahead when Link finally realised that Ozzy, Tingle and Sara-Marie were having a snowball fight - Ozzy had screamed because the branch had whupped his bum so incredibly hard he thought he'd have a bruise for weeks.
'You three, come on!' Link yelled. He got a snowball in the face in return. 'Ooh you're going to pay for that!' Link made some snowballs of his own and chucked them at Ozzy. They hit right on target.
'S***, you got a good aim there, pretty-boy!' Ozzy threw another snowball but it missed and hit Austin on the back of the head instead.
'What was that?' Austin asked and saw Ozzy grinning at him from nearby. 'You're on, Ozzy baby!' The shagadelic spy gathered some snowballs to throw at Ozzy. A few missed, instead hitting most of the rest of the group.
Mumbo was using his "mighty Mumbo magic" to make extra large snowballs; Author and Navi, being too small to throw big snowballs (they could almost have been used as snowballs themselves!), used peashooters; Jennifer, Sara-Marie, Red and Ray had teamed together and were now ganging up on Link, Rove, Author and Navi; Noodles just flitted around, kicking snow at everyone he could find.
Tingle had now started throwing objects other than snowballs - paper planes made from his rather bad maps, branches from the tree, even the occasional Bomb from out of his pocket. He aimed them all at Ozzy.
But what happens when Bombs explode near snow?...
BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
Snow flew everywhere. Link yelled and grabbed Author, Navi and Noodles just as a huge pile of snow came tumbling down on them; while everyone else just ducked. Unfortunately they too were covered in snow.
A long silence settled over the area where ten seconds ago there had been one Hylian, two fairies, a large cat, a pink elephant, a pink and yellow skull thing, a large red-shelled chocolate, a map-making nutter who wore his underpants on the outside of his shorts, a psychedelic man from the 60's and five assorted celebrities, all having a snowball fight.
[sounds of crickets, unnatural coughing and tumbleweeds]
'?'
There were sounds somewhere above Link. Something like digging. After a few minutes, Link could suddenly see the light.
'I see the light!'
'Is tha' you, Link?' asked a very familiar voice.
'HAGRID?!'
'The one an' on'y. Wha' yeh doin' 'ere, trapped under this snow?'
'I'll tell you if you dig us out.'
'Us?'
'There's more people under here - I reckon they'd be suffocating by now!'
'Oh. Right. Can yer lend a hand?' Hagrid asked.
'Sure - I still got my shovel.'
Hagrid grabbed onto Link's outstretched arms and pulled him out of the hole. Author, Navi and Noodles flew/jumped out after him.
'Meow!' Noodles exclaimed, looking at Hagrid.
'Aaaaachoo!' Hagrid sneezed.
'Are you allergic to cats?' Link asked in surprise.
'Yep. Yer better kip that 'un away from me.'
Link and Hagrid started digging with their shovels. Even Noodles lent a hand - er, paw.
'I found some'un!' Hagrid yelled after a bit. He helped Rove out from the snow.
'That,' Rove panted, 'was bad. I don't EVER want to do that again.'
After a few more minutes, Austin, Jennifer, Sara-Marie and Ray had been found.
'How far down are the others anyway?' Hagrid asked.
'Why don't we just leave them there?' Sara-Marie suggested. 'Mumbo and Tingle are really annoying.'
'Good point, but... we'd get in trouble if they died in this fanfic,' Author sighed. 'And then their creators would sue us...'
'This is ridiculous,' Link moaned. 'Stand back everyone, and if you catch on fire it's your own fault!' He used Din's Fire and the snow melted instantly, revealing Ozzy, Red, Mumbo, Tingle and Ellie.
'Air! Sweet, nourishing air - to be sure, to be sure!' Tingle jumped for joy.
'Ah shut the f*** up,' Ozzy grunted.
'Nothing that was,' Mumbo shrugged. '"Mumbo mighty magic" breathe Mumbo make.'
'Ah shut the f*** up,' Ozzy repeated.
'Only a few more centimetres and my trunk would've reached the surface,' Ellie boasted.
'Ah shut the f*** up.'
'Why don't YOU?'
'Ah shut the f*- hell no!'
'BOTH of you shut up,' Link snapped.
'Who are these people anyway?' Hagrid asked.
'Uh... I hope you have a good memory, I really hope so... me and Navi you already know, um... Author, she's that fairy - no, not the red one, that's Navi covered in snake blood, don't ask... Tingle, that's the little shrimp over there with his underpants on the outside of his shorts -' ('Hey!' Tingle yelled, offended) '- er, the cat's Noodles, weird name - again, don't ask; Austin Powers is the very colourful-looking man with the glasses and bad teeth -' ('Hey!' Austin yelled, offended) '- Ellie's the pink elephant, and NO, she's not a figment of our imaginations; Mumbo Jumbo is the thing with the skull for a head; Ozzy Osbourne is that man with the extremely long hair and a swearing problem -' ('Hey!' Ozzy yelled, offended) '- uh, the woman with the bunny ears is Sara-Marie; that guy with the pinstriped coat is Ray Martin; that guy you pulled out after me is Rove - wave, Rove! - the large red chocolate thing is Red; and that woman with the pink jacket is Jennifer Lopez, also known as J. Lo.'
'So what yer all doin' here?' Hagrid asked.
'We're trying to find a way over this mountain so we can find the "mysterious hut" which will hopefully end this dream,' Link said.
Hagrid stared at Link blankly.
'Long story. Now why you here, Hagrid?'
'I dunno. Don' even know how I got here, so I ain't much help.'
'Course you can help!' Link jumped, suddenly getting an idea. 'You can help dig through this snow so we can get over the mountain.'
'Uh... alrigh', but I'll be needin' some help.'
'No problem,' Link said, patting his Fire Arrows.
Meanwhile, at the summit of the mountain...
'Blow my Chilly Billy, blow!' Osama Bin-Laden commanded.
'My name is Chilly WILLY, how many times do I have to tell you that?!' Chilly Willy the ice dragon snapped.
'Fine, fine... I'll try to remember next time. [giggle]'
'What? Is there something wrong with my name?'
'[snort] There's nothing wrong, Chilly Wil-' Bin-Laden cracked up laughing.
'Just because my name's Chilly Willy doesn't mean you can laugh at it!'
'But it's [snort] funny!'
'Hey, don't blame me, blame Rareware! They created me! And don't laugh or I'll turn you into a block of ice!'
'Hem hem!' Umbridge interrupted.
'What is it?' Bin-Laden asked, trying to straighten his face (with difficulty).
'The jerks are approaching.'
'Well I knew that already! Get back to your post and STOP WASTING MY VALUABLE REVENGE-PLOTTING TIME!!!!'
'Yes sir,' Umbridge scowled in her fake-sweet voice before stomping back down the mountain.
'Muahahaha, once I have gotten rid of that really insane group of idiots and their pathetic leader, Link, I will be free to take over "Wherever The Hell We Are", and soon after, the whole world!!' Bin-Laden laughed maniacally. He found his record player and put on a record which was meant to play glorifying music, but instead it played Mary Had A Little Lamb. 'Doh, must be the wrong side.' He flipped the record over and the glorifying music started playing.
'MUAHAHAHA!!!!'
'Er, yeah... mua, ha, ha, ha,' said Chilly Willy unenthusiastically.
'-_- No, it's MUAHAHAHA!'
'Uh... Mua ha ha ha.'
'o_o; MUAHAHAHA!!'
'Duh... Mua-ha ha-ha!'
'o_O MUAHAHAHA!!!'
'Um... Mua hahaha!'
'O_O THAT'S NOT RIGHT YOU F***ING IDIOT! IT'S MUAHAHAHA!!!! GET IT?!'
'Ah... Muahahaha. Good enough?'
'Better. Needs practise.'
It was about ten minutes later. Link and the group were walking through a large forest, when there was an odd sound.
[cue odd sound]
'What's that odd sound?' Link asked.
'You should know, you've got giant pointy ears!' Author snapped.
'No, YOU should know, YOU'RE writing this!'
'Good point.'
'S***, it looks like something from those f***ing Monty Python movies,' Ozzy groaned.
'Ni!' came the odd sound. 'Ni! Ni! Ni!'
'o_o; What IS that retarded thing?' Link asked, drawing his sword.
'It's the Knights,' Rove whispered.
'Knights? Knights of what?'
'The Knights of -'
But Rove was cut off by a loud 'Ni!'
A large person in black armour strode up to the group from somewhere. 'Ni!'
'So it's THAT thing that's sayi-' Link was interrupted by Rove again.
'Ssssshh! You have to say who we are and where we're going or he'll NEVER let us pass!'
Link walked up to the black-armoured knight, cleared his throat and said in his most formal manner, 'Erm... hello good sir. I am Link, Hero of Time, and this is my travelling group. We wish to leave this forest so we may hopefully cross over the mountain, as we are on a quest for the "mysterious hut", which will hopefully end this really weird dream.'
'Ni!' the knight said. 'I am one of the Knights of Ni. You may not leave this forest until you find me... a SHRUBBERY (dun dun dun!). Ni!'
Everyone drew back. 'You don't mean... a SHRUBBERY?' Link asked.
'Ni! Find a SHRUBBERY and you may leave. If you don't... NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI!'
Everyone flinched at the awful "Ni" sounds.
'Alright, we'll go get your stupid SHRUBBERY!' Link yelled. 'Group huddle!'
The group huddled into a tight circle.
'Okay, anyone know where to find a SHRUBBERY?'
'No,' Jennifer said.
'SHRUBBERY no Mumbo have,' Mumbo grunted.
'I don't even know what one is, to be sure, to be sure, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle shrieked.
'A SHRUBBERY is just a nice bush. You know, kinda like what you'd find in hedge mazes,' Rove said knowledgeably.
'How do you know so much about this Knight of Ni and the SHRUBBERY?' Link asked.
'I watch Monty Python movies.'
'I think I know where ter find a SHRUBBERY,' Hagrid said. 'But we'll be walkin' a fair mile.'
'Whatever, just get me that SHRUBBERY,' Link yelled.
Deeper into the forest...
'Ah, 'ere it is.' Hagrid pointed to a small wooden log hut in front of them.
'How can a log hut be a SHRUBBERY?' Link asked hysterically.
'It's not. Just go in the hut.'
Link and Hagrid entered the hut and somehow found themselves in Greenhouse Three at Hogwarts.
'What are we doing HERE?!' Link asked hysterically.
'Professa Sprout'll have a SHRUBBERY, I'm sure o' it. Oy, Professa Sprout!' Hagrid called.
'Yes, Hagrid?' Sprout asked from nearby. She seemed to be watering a Venemous Tentacula.
'Do yer have a SHRUBBERY? Link 'ere needs one.'
'A SHRUBBERY... I'm afraid I don't have one of those. Maybe Dumbledore knows where to find one.'
'Thanks Professa. Come 'un, Link.'
Outside Professor Dumbledore's Office... Er, I Mean... Wait, Where's The Script? GIVE IT HERE, AUTHOR!
No, You're Ripping It!
I SAID GIVE IT HERE!
Ask Nicely Then.
[groan] Fine. Please Can I Have The Script?
Sure!
Thank You Author. Okay, What Does This Say?... Au-THOR!!!!
What Now?!
This Is The Script For [name of fanfic censored], Not For One Really Weird Dream!
Well Don't Blame Me!
Who Else Am I Going To Blame? My Game Boy?
That's The Oldest Excuse In The Book.
No It's Not, "My Dog Ate It" Is The Oldest Trick.
You're Right, My Dog DID Eat It. The Script, I Mean.
You Don't HAVE A Dog!
Well Then Maybe It Was My Growlithe.
Growlithes Are Pokémon. POKÉMON DON'T REALLY EXIST!
Well Then Maybe It Was My Gelert.
Gelerts Are Neopets. NEOPETS DON'T REALLY EXIST!
Well Then Maybe It Was My... Uh... Wolfos.
Since When Do You Have A Wolfos?
Since Now. Ha.
...I WANT ONE!
Well You Can't Have One, Because WOLFOS DON'T REALLY EXIST!
Author, Did You Know That Every Word We're Saying Right Now Is Being Written On The Page?!?!
You Mean Being Typed Up On The Screen.
Whatever. ...So Stop Talking And FIND THAT SCRIPT Or We'll Never Be Able To Get Back To The Main Story!
Fine.
~Ten Minutes Later~
Found It! [holds up regurgitated script]
Ewwwwwww... Give It Here! [snatches regurgitated script]
Well I DID Say That My Dog Ate It... And Just WHO Didn't Believe Me?
¬_¬ Grrrr.
We Now Apologise For Any Injuries That May Have Occured While Falling Off Of Your Chair Laughing. Now Let's Get Back To The Story!
Outside Professor Dumbledore's Gargoyle Statue That Will Jump Aside To Reveal A Staircase To His Office When The Correct Password Is Said...
'What IS the new password?' Link asked.
'It's Licorice Wand,' Hagrid said, and the stone gargoyle jumped aside so Hagrid and Link could go up the stairs.
'Professa Dumbledore!' Hagrid yelled, banging his right fist on the door.
'What is it, Hagrid?' Dumbledore asked impatiently, opening the door. Then he saw Link. 'Oh, Link! What are you doing here? Visiting, I hope? Come in, we can have a nice chat -'
'We're in a hurry, Professor,' Link said urgently. Dumbledore's smile faded a little. 'Look, do you know where to find a SHRUBBERY that we could give to the Knights of Ni?'
'A SHRUBBERY... I'm afraid I don't have one of those. Maybe Molly Weasley knows where to find one, I think she has some in her backyard.'
'Oh. Thank you Professor, we've got to go. But I'll come back for a talk later, OK?' Link promised.
Outside The Burrow...
'Aaaahh!' Link stumbled over a chicken.
'Yeh think yeh got problems, look at me,' Hagrid grumbled. He'd gotten the Weasleys' cauldron stuck on his boot.
Link pulled the large pot off of Hagrid's gigantic shoe, then they both went over to the front door and knocked.
'Hello?' Mrs. Weasley answered the door. 'OH! Hagrid and Link! Welcome! Come in, come in!'
'Nice to see you, but we're in a kind of hurry,' Link said. 'We were wondering if you had a SHRUBBERY anywhere...'
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
'Um... I might have a SHRUBBERY somewhere in the backyard, but I'll have to go look,' Mrs. Weasley said. She beckoned for Hagrid and Link to follow her.
Mrs. Weasley flittered about the garden, trying to find a SHRUBBERY.
'It seems that we -'
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~
'- do have a SHRUBBERY,' Mrs. Weasley finished, frowning at the fact that she had just been cut off by an Intermission.
'Hey look, it's not MY fault!' the Intermission yelled.
~Shut up you Intermission, you're meant to be sitting there between those squiggly lines!~ Big Author snapped.
'Oh fine...' the Intermission walked off.
'Here is the SHRUBBERY,' Mrs. Weasley said, handing the plant to Link to hold. 'I suppose you have to leave now?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' Link said. 'Come on Hagrid.'
Outside Greenhouse Three At Hogwarts...
'So where's the way BACK to "Wherever The Hell We Are"?' Link asked.
'Is that what the place is called?' Hagrid asked.
'Yes. And where is the warp?'
'Under this Mandrake.' Hagrid pointed to a large Mandrake leaf.
'Mandrake? An ADULT Mandrake?!... Din help me. Where can we get some earmuffs?'
'Is there something wrong, Link?' Professor Sprout asked.
'It's just that to get back to the place we were in before, we have to jump in the hole where that Mandrake is sitting,' Link said.
'Oh. I'll get some earmuffs then.'
Two seconds later, Sprout was back with three pairs of earmuffs. All three of them were pink and fluffy.
'Aaaaaaaaaaahhh! Pink! I didn' ask fer that 'un!' Hagrid yelled.
'I'll change them,' Link moaned, taking his and Hagrid's earmuffs and Transfiguring them with his wand so that they were blue. 'Better?'
'Yep.'
When Hagrid, Link and Sprout had put their earmuffs on, Sprout pulled the Mandrake out of the hole.
Hagrid and Link waved bye to Sprout before jumping into the hole and falling back into "Wherever The Hell We Are".
Back In "Wherever The Hell We Are"...
'Unnnn... where am I?' Link asked dazedly.
'Link! Did you get the SHRUBBERY?' Rove questioned.
'What's a shrubbery?'
'Don't play stupid, Link, we need that SHRUBBERY to give to the Knights of Ni so we can get through this forest and over the mountain.'
'Link, wake up!' Hagrid said, shaking Link roughly.
'Who's Link?' Link asked.
'Who's Link?!' Rove repeated. 'You're Link, duh! Hero of Time or whatever they call you.'
'I think he's sick,' Ozzy said.
'Link's not sick,' Hagrid shook his head. 'He ain't disgustin' or stuff like that.'
'No, I mean that this pretty-boy's got amnesia. He can't remember who the hell he is.'
'That's the first useful thing you've said this chapter, Ozzy,' Author said. 'Isn't that amazing?'
'Shut the hell up, you f***ing fairy.'
'Hagrid, how did you get back here to "Wherever The Hell We Are"? I know you walked into a log hut which was really a warp to Hogwarts to get there, but...' Navi trailed off.
'We had ter jump into a hole in Greenhouse Three. The hole was where a Mandrake was planted,' Hagrid said.
'A Mandrake... Who took the Mandrake out?'
'Professa Sprout. We were all wearin' earmuffs, see?' Hagrid pointed to his blue fluffy pair.
'Wait, Link isn't wearing his earmuffs. What happened?'
'Maybe they fell off while we were goin' through the warp. Link was holdin' the SHRUBBERY.'
'Or maybe he thought that when he was in the warp, the Mandrake's cries wouldn't affect him.'
'Who knows, but I think that's the case here.'
'Which means that the Mandrake caused Link's amnesia. What if we found something or someone loud and annoying enough to yell into Link's ear, then he'd get rid of his amnesia?' Navi suggested.
'Good idea. Okay, who here is loud and annoying enough?' Rove asked.
'I'm loud, you mother-f***er,' Ozzy said.
'I'm annoying, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.
'I'm both, baby,' Austin said.
'I can sing loud,' Jennifer said.
'Mumbo make noise loud magic with,' Mumbo said.
'Meow!' Noodles said.
'I'm really loud,' Hagrid said.
'I'm not loud, but I have really smelly breath,' Red said.
'I'm annoying,' Navi said.
'I can make really funny jokes,' Rove said.
'I can trumpet my trunk loud,' Ellie said.
'I can do all of those things and much more,' Author said.
~I can do all of those things and WAY more than you can, Author,~ Big Author said.
'I can do - wait, what CAN I do?' Link asked.
'What are you all doing here?' an unfamiliar voice asked.
'Who are you?' Link asked.
'I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Who are you?' Aragorn asked.
'Er -' Link started, but was cut off by Navi.
'He's Link, the Hero of Time. I'm Navi, his guardian fairy; that other fairy is Author, she wrote this fanfic; the nutter with the big red nose is Tingle; the cat is Noodles; the crazy guy with the big black glasses is Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery; the pink elephant is Ellie; the skull thing is Mumbo Jumbo, best shaman in this fanfic; the punk-sorta guy is Ozzy Osbourne, he swears a lot; the woman with the fake bunny ears is Sara-Marie; the pinstriped-suit man is Ray Martin, host of the Australian A Current Affair TV show; the big red circle thing with arms and legs is Red; and the blondish woman is Jennifer Lopez, also known as J. Lo. Oh, and the big hairy giant guy is Hagrid. Any questions?'
'Um... Fanfic? Man of Mystery?! Punk?!? Bunny ears?!?! TV?!?!?' Aragorn asked.
'A fanfic is a story about something - usually a video game, TV show, movie or book - that has been written by someone. An International Man of Mystery, um... you'll have to ask Austin about that one. Punk -'
'So what are you all doing here, stranded in this snowy pine forest?' Aragorn interrupted.
'Well, it's kind of a long story,' Author replied. 'A flashback would take too long, so just flick back a few chapters and see what happened.'
Aragorn stared blankly at Author and Navi.
'Author, let me explain, I can do it better than you can,' Navi said. 'Link and I got stuck in "Wherever The Hell We Are", and we're trying to find the "mysterious hut" so we can hopefully get out of this really weird dream. Everyone else is just tagging along after us, since they don't have anywhere else to go or they want out of this dream too.'
'I mean, why are you on the mountain?'
'Um, well...' Navi explained the situation.
'So Link has amnesia because he and Hagrid went to Hogwarts to get a SHRUBBERY for the Knights of Ni so you all can pass through the forest so you can get over the mountain to find the "mysterious hut" which will hopefully get you out of this dream. Rriigghhtt,' Aragorn said once Navi had finished.
'We're trying to think of ways to snap Link out of it,' Navi said.
'Well... what does he like most?'
'He likes sword-fighting.'
'Does he? Cool, I like sword-fighting too!' Aragorn laughed.
'Maybe you could hit him on the head with your sword then.'
'OK, I'll try. Just don't blame me if he gets a major concussion.'
'Concussion? That would mean we'd have to wish for that crazy hospital again. The one with Dr. Mario and Dr. Evil and Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy - ugh.'
Aragorn hit Link on the head with his sword.
'Ow! That really hurt! Now I'm going to have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a sharp metal object like that? Honestly?!' Link yelled, rubbing his head.
'I didn't throw it,' Aragorn said.
'I think we're going to have to resort to our original plan,' Navi said. 'We'll have to go find something really loud, annoying and dangerous to snap him out of his amnesia.'
'But where are we going to find something like that?' Ray asked.
'I reckon I know where to go... but it involves going INTO the mountain. Did you know it's really an active volcano?' Aragorn asked.
Everyone except Aragorn and Link yelled 'Holy c***!'
'Is there a dragon named Volvagia in there by any chance?' Navi asked.
'Yep, and he's the one we're going to look for to cure Link's amnesia.'
Everyone except Aragorn and Link yelled 'Holy c***!' again.
'Well, dragons roar loud, don't they?'
'Too right they do,' Navi said. 'Volvagia almost made me deaf last time we fought him.'
'Okay, who's going to drag Link along to make him come?' Aragorn asked.
Everyone (except Link and Aragorn) immediately pointed at Hagrid.
'What? Just because I'm big and strong, yeh pick me? ...Oh fine,' Hagrid groaned, and he picked Link up and hefted him over his shoulder in a fireman's hold.
'Hey, what are you doing to me?!' Link yelled. 'Let me go you f***ing idiot! Help! Somebody's trying to kidnap me! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!'
'Shut up, I'm on'y forcin' yer to come with us to find Volvagia,' Hagrid said.
'Have you realised that you haven't given us your SHRUBBERY yet?' a Knight of Ni asked.
'Oh, uh, here it is, Sir Knight,' Hagrid said, picking up the SHRUBBERY and giving it to the Knight of Ni.
'It's too small. Besides, now we are the Knights Who Formerly Said "Ni" And Now Say "Eki Eki Eki" Or Something Like That, and we want you to chop a tree down with this large fish. Eki eki eki!'
'No way, we're going,' Author said. 'Hagrid, CHARGE!!!!'
Hagrid pushed through the ranks of the Knights Who Formerly Said "Ni" And Now Say "Eki Eki Eki" Or Something Like That, making a huge path through them, and everyone else ran/flew over them.
'Hey! Come back! You haven't chopped down a tree with our large fish yet!' the leader of the Knights yelled.
'Too late, we're already gone!' Aragorn yelled as he ran. 'Ha-ha!'
About half an hour later...
'So this is the cave that we have to go into to find Volvagia?' Rove asked Aragorn.
'Sure is. Follow me, peoples!'
'WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!?!' Link yelled, still hung over Hagrid's shoulder.
'Put a sock in it!' Navi snapped.
'No, I have a better idea...' Author smiled mysteriously, and took out a roll of sticky tape.
'Mmmmmmmrrrm***mrnmnfffffffmmmmmmmnnnnnnhffffff!' ~Get this f***ing sticky tape off me!~ Link yelled.
'Oh great, you got that PokéDex s*** swearing again!' Ozzy groaned.
'Shut up the lot of you, or I'll cut your goddamn heads off,' Aragorn growled. 'I'm not going to put up with this any longer. Now if you want to find Volvagia so we can un-amnesia Link, follow me and SHUT THE HELL UP!'
'Good for you, Aragorn!' Author agreed. 'And by the way, houzhi nailao!'
'What does "houzhi nailao" mean?!' everyone except Author asked.
'It means "monkey cheese" in Chinese. Duh!'
'o_O That's just scary.'
'Good for you!'
'SHUT UP OR I WON'T HELP YOU AT ALL!!!!' Aragorn yelled.
'Sorry,' everyone apologized.
'Look, we're going in NOW. NO MORE DELAYS.'
'Besides, I don't know how much more I can fit into this Notepad file,' Author added.
Everyone rolled their eyes.
About another half hour later...
'Ssssssssshhh! Inside here is Volvagia's lair,' Aragorn whispered. 'We have to be quiet or he'll wake up. Hagrid, come with me and bring Link with you. Everyone else, stay here.'
Aragorn and Hagrid (with Link on his shoulder, waving his arms around in protest) tiptoed up to the sleeping dragon and gently placed Link right in front of Volvagia's big jaws.
'Are you feeding me to this thing?!' Link yelled.
'Sssssssssssshhhhh!' Hagrid hissed.
'Hagrid, poke Volvagia,' Aragorn instructed.
'You know,' Author said before Hagrid could do anything, 'I learnt something long ago. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Or at least that's what a dragon tamer told me.'
'Too late, we've already meddled,' Hagrid said as he poked Volvagia.
Volvagia sleepily opened one eye, and saw Link right in front of him.
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~I know you, you're that guy who killed me in the Fire Temple!~ Volvagia roared.
'Geez, have you flossed lately?' was all that Link said.
'Rrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~I am SOOOOO offended!~
'Or at least have some Tic-Tacs.'
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~What the hell are Tic-Tacs?~
'I don't know.'
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~Then why are you wasting my valuable time with comments about my bad breath? I wanna fight!~
'I think he's talking to you,' Link hissed to Aragorn.
'Link! Your sword!' Aragorn yelled as he and Hagrid backed away from Volvagia.
'What? This sharp metal object that's strapped to my back?' Link asked as he pulled the sword out of its sheath.
'Yeah, that thing! Wave it around a bit!'
'Um, okay.' Link waved the sword around a bit. It clattered against Volvagia's scales, and he roared again.
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~That hurt, you mother-f***in' s***head mental constipated idiot!~
'Is that the best you can do?' Ozzy yelled from the doorway.
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~Is that a challenge?~
'Uh, yeah, I guess it is.'
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!' ~Bring it on, skanky!~
'Link! Get out your Mirror Shield!' Aragorn and Navi yelled.
'Shield? What the hell is that? Is it another sharp metal object?' Link asked.
Aragorn slapped his head and took out the Mirror Shield for Link. 'This. Hold it in your right hand and swing the sword with your left. If Volvagia breathes fire, you can reflect it back at him using the shield.'
While Ozzy was having a swearing contest with Volvagia, Link sneaked around to Volvagia's belly and stabbed the sword into the dragon's flesh.
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~GET THAT F***ING SWORD OUT OF MY HEART!!!!~ Volvagia roared the loudest yet, and breathed flame at Link, who hid beneath the Mirror Shield, but still got charred.
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!' Link yelled, then he remembered what was happening. He was fighting Volvagia. He, Link, was fighting Volvagia, a dragon. Dragons breath fire. Fire gets put out by water.
[lightglobe turns on in head] Link had an idea.
'Go... Vaporeon! Starmie! Golduck! Sparky!' Link yelled, tossing four Poké Balls. 'Hydro Pump, all of you! Well... alright, Sparky - Electric Sword Tail!'
'Hey look, Link's alright!' Ellie yelled. 'He hasn't got amnesia anymore!'
'What did you say, Ellie?' Link asked.
'Oh, nothing...'
Vaporeon, Starmie and Golduck started spraying water on the evil dragon, while Sparky the Metal Pikachu (A/N: My creation, hehe) crouched, and orange flames started surrounding her tail. She charged up her electricity and then jumped at Volvagia, spinning around as she released the lightning bolt and magic spin from her metal tail.
'What IS that?' Aragorn wondered.
'I dunno,' Hagrid shrugged.
Link then let go of his sword (leaving it stuck in Volvagia), took out the Megaton Hammer and drove the sword deeper into the dragon's heart.
Volvagia staggered and flopped to the ground. 'Roar,' ~Don't kill me,~ he whimpered. 'Roar roar roar roooooaaar.' ~I was only trying to be nice.~
'Roaring and breathing flame isn't the right way to be nice,' Link said.
'Roar?' ~It's not?~
'No. Look, if you stop trying to attack me, I'll heal you up and you can come with us so I can teach you how to be nice.'
'Roar roar roaaar?' ~You'd do that for me?~
'Sure I would.'
'Roar roar roar rooooaaaarrrr.' ~That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.~
'Then that's settled. By the way, what happened earlier? All I remember is jumping into a Mandrake hole with Hagrid and a giant SHRUBBERY...'
'Um,' Navi said, looking distractedly around the cavern, 'nothing happened.'
'Then why can't I remember whatever happened?'
'Never mind.'
'Roooooaaaarrr,' ~Hello! I need HELP here!~ Volvagia growled.
'Oh, yeah. I wish for a doctor! A dragon doctor!' Navi said.
'Hello, I'm Lance, Dragon trainer and Champion of the Elite Four,' a man said, walking into the cavern. 'As I understand it, your dragon Pokémon needs healing.'
'Lance! What are you doing here?' Link asked.
'Link, is that you?'
'Sure is!'
'Cool. Let me and Nurse Joy check our your Pokémon then,' Lance smiled. 'We'll do it for free.'
'Volvagia isn't my dragon, and he DEFINITELY isn't a Pokémon.'
Lance took one look at Volvagia and said, 'Holy s***, you're right.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Characters In This Chapter, Part One
Hagrid
Chilly Willy (temporary)
Knights of Ni (temporary)
Professor Sprout (temporary)
Professor Dumbledore (temporary)
Molly Weasley (temporary)
An Intermission (temporary... for now)
Aragorn
Volvagia
Vaporeon, Golduck, Starmie and Sparky the Metal Pikachu, four of Link's Pokémon (temporary)
Lance (from the Pokémon games; temporary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next Chapter: I Want My "Precious"! Part Two
Link and co. now have to go back out of the mountain to get over it. But... there's a problem with that plan - Osama Bin-Laden and Chilly Willy are on top of the mountain. So the gang has to go through the tunnels in the mountain/active volcano to get to the other side. Trouble is, they've gotten lost.
There's only one person who can save them now... and he wants his "precious" back.
---
Super Fun Happy Feature!
Due to the fact that the I Want My "Precious"! chapter is so long (and therefore has two parts), there will be no Super Fun Happy Hints until the end of Part Two. Sorry about this, folks.
---
Second Super Fun Happy Feature!
Are there any Zelda-fic Authors who want to star in One Really Weird Dream? Just ask in a review or email (check my profile). I need at least four Authors (not including myself) before I write Chapter 7: The Annual Author Convention.
---
Look at moiye please, look at moiye, look at MOIYE... Now I have one word to say to you - Review please! Be nice :)
Aw wait, that was four words and an emoticon... waaaah.
PS: I was pretending to be Kath & Kim (the main characters of a comedy series on Australian ABC if you didn't know).
~~~