Chapter 3

"Does a part of you grieve for her?"

Jason looked down at Sonny who was squatting in front of Karen Wexler's grave still holding the yellow tulips he'd gotten in hands. Flowers for the dead were still something Jason couldn't comprehend; Robin had once told him that it brought comfort to the living. "I only met her a couple of times Sonny, I didn't really know her."

Sonny shook his head "That's not what I meant. Inside of you, is there some small hidden part that's crying, that's grieving for her, she was Jason Quartermaine's first girlfriend, his first love."

"I'm not him though Sonny."

"But you were…" Sonny looked confused staring at her grave, seeing the numbers that read an age younger than his own. Somewhere in Massachusetts there were similar numbers that belonged to another that caused these questions to be raised in Sonny's head. "I don't understand this world any more Jason, I just don't get it. Nothing makes sense anymore nothing goes how it's supposed to."

Jason refrained from shaking his head, wishing there was something he could tell Sonny, hell give Sonny to forget Ric ever existed in this world. "Sonny, if this is about Ric"

"No" he said shaking his head "This is about more than Ric. The good die with an alarmingly higher frequency than the bad, the good don't just die, those who live suffer and it doesn't make any sense. I used to believe that there was more to this world than just this world. I used to believe in God and heaven and I don't know if I do anymore. I'm worried Jason, what if this really is the end?" He kissed the flowers and placed them on her grave before standing.

"There's no way of knowing that Sonny" though in Jason's mind, he did have an answer, the end was the end, there was no proof otherwise, the world made sense in Jason's mind, except for when he thought about losing those he loved, he couldn't understand how they would just end.

"I'm longing for things Jason, things long put behind me; they're things I've learned to live without. I'm missing Stone so bad lately; I can almost hear his voice again. I keep thinking about what he'd say to me."

"What do you think he'd say?"

"That there's only one person who can fix this. He was narrow-minded; there was only one person whose arms I could go to feel that the world was okay. When Stone told me he was dying there was only one set of arms that made me feel okay and mine where the only that her feel okay too."

"Brenda"

"Yea" he said shaking his head and wiping away his tears. "I called Robin when Karen died, even with Carly missing I called Robin to tell her. Karen was the start of that time in my life. She got my club shut down, but she brought Brenda into my world. There's nothing left of that time in my life in my life now, but it was the time that I was the happiest, which is pretty funny because there was a lot of shit going on. Brenda and I could be pure stress, but even then there could just be good times, there could be coming home with her barely speaking and finding Robin and Stone watching a movie in the living room…" He shakes his head, trying to shake out the memory that time was gone, it was over, he couldn't think about it. "Brenda's okay right? She's happy?"

"Yea she is; she's dating, pretty serious actually."

Sonny looked up surprised "Already?"

Jason smiled "Brenda needs a man Sonny; as much as she doesn't want to she needs that connection."

Sonny laughed, he knew it was true; he hated it sometimes, hell every time he didn't use his brain to think, which was quite often where Brenda was concerned. "If I could go back Jason I would have given Joe control of the territories after Frank died." He looked around the cemetery and waved his hand "This isn't worth it; the people that have died because of me, the people that have suffered because of me and the fact that my kids can't just be normal kids." He looked around once more and shook his head "It just isn't worth it."

Jason looked at him and pondered asking if it would be worth it if Brenda was by his side but refrained, he wondered though if Sonny believed Brenda would have done differently, if she wouldn't have killed Ric. He didn't know the answer, a person's freedom and that of their child's changed any equation. He was just glad that Brenda was far away in Seattle and happy there at last. He hoped Sonny would let her stay that way.