Webbed Wonder Wallops Wally
How do you like that for alliteration? Wally is used to describe that weasel Harry Potter, of course. Yes, Spider-Matt is at it again.
Disclaimer? Fuck disclaimers! I'm not pointing out the obvious here. And if Mrs. Rowling (recently wed, mind you, but the man is probably only in it for the money) has a problem with this, then she can take it up with me. As for Marvel, what do they have to complain about? It's free (favorable) advertising.
London, England sure was a wonderful place to visit, but Peter Parker sure as hell didn't want to live there. I mean, let's face it, there're all those damn taxes. Most of which ends up going to that lazy fat bitch of a queen. Peter was an American and proud to be. Our forefathers didn't beat back the British barely winning the war for nothing. Now America is top cheese in this crazy mixed up world. The only lazy fat bitches the U.S. public has to feed are those on welfare, and even that doesn't measure up to the amount of pounds the royal family consumes.
Okay, enough with Brit bashing (because I really do love the Brits, with their fantastic literature and such) and on with the story.
Peter Parker decided to recall the events that brought him to this strange and foreign country in order to please the audience he supposedly doesn't know he has.
I remember it all clearly now. Jonah Jameson was yelling something about a wizardry school. How odd. Well, Ned Leads is on the case (I haven't a clue how because he was dead the last time I checked) and I'm here to take pictures for him. How was that for a recap of last ish? Wait a minute; there was never an issue on this shit. And what am I talking about? I'm not a comic book character… am I?
Peter stood still next to the Parliament building and scratched his head ponderously for a few moments before deciding that such a philosophical question was just too much for him.
Such a philosophical question is just too much for me. I better start trying to find this kid…
Peter shuffled through his pockets and produced a small crumbled piece of paper which read:
Harry Potter
4 Privet Drive
…Harry Potter, that's the punk.
Peter changed into Spider-Man there on the street (some women thought he was a male prostitute stripping on the public streets and walked over to ask the price before being webbed to the top of Big Ben), hid his civilian clothes on top of Buckingham Palace (knowing they'd be perfectly safe and guarded there), and then took off to this Privet Drive place.
It was nearing the end of July now and soon enough Harry Potter would be leaving to Hogwarts. You know, that magic school? Where they teach you to become a wizard? Or… or a witch if you prefer…? Yeah, it sounds like bull shit to me too, but that's the way of things. Hell, if a guy dressed in spandex and walk on walls then anything in possible! Yeah, I know, wizardry is too dumb to be true. But I mean, those Londoners who have never been to New York probably don't believe in Spider-Man. Have you ever been to London? You know what? Shut up! Yeah, shut the fuck up! I'm telling the story here. Piss off you bloody wally!
Sorry, I get distracted easily. It's my other half of my brain, you know? Always likes to argue. A regular fucking devil's advocate, if you know what I mean. Yeah, me neither.
Anyway, for the next few days Spider-Man lived on top of the house residing at 4 Privet Drive.
This little snot nosed glasses wearing nerd of a warlock is going to lead me straight to that magic school I need photos of. Supposedly, Harry Potter is the most famous of all the attendants of this crackpot fairy institution, so I should get some photos of this kid now, while he's sleeping.
Oh yes, it was night now in case you didn't realize that from Peter's thoughts. Or were they Spider-Man's thoughts? Something for you to ponder while Spider-Man sets up his automatic camera. Or was Peter setting the thing up?
Once it was webbed up, aiming the lens right through Harry's window, Spidey sat back and waited for a while.
Whirrrrr, click!
Whirrrrr, click!
Whirrrrr, click!
Harry Potter was having weird dreams about his weird scar again when he woke up with weird sweat pouring from his weird pores. He had to use the bathroom real bad, but since the Dursleys were mean and cruel to Harry Potter, he had to go in a bucket in the corner of his room. Once his business was done and he began to crawl into bed he heard a faint peculiar sound. It sounded like: Whirrrrr, click!
In fact, that's exactly what it was! And it was coming from just outside his window. Harry waddled over to his window, opened it up, and found himself staring directly into a camera.
"What the bloody hell?" Potter exclaimed in his entertaining British accent (or lack of every other accent in the world, for you Brits).
Before he could do anything, a large red head popped up in front of him and a scarlet hand grabbed the shirt Harry's PJs.
"Look you little punk, I just need these photos so don't question me and go back to bed," Spider-Man warned the kid.
"I know who you are," Harry said. "You're that new male prostitute who strips in front of Parliament. Brilliant! But I didn't know you were a pedophile."
"No, kid, I'm not… Aw, forget it. Just lead me to Hogwarts when you leave, eh?"
"You're Canadian?!"
Spider-Man slapped his hand to his face in aggravation, but eventually it was worked out. Spidey explained he was a superhero and was going to help out at Hogwarts this year because of past problems. Spidey had done his homework and now it was paying off by helping him get news photos.
"What does America care about me and Hogwarts," Harry asked.
"ARRRGGGHHH!" Spidey yelled. "You live in England and you can't even speak the damn language correctly. It's 'Why does America care about Hogwarts and me?' Jesus Christ!"
"Sorry," Harry convincingly lied. "So, what's the answer?"
"That's classified information. You gonna help, or do you want to die at the hand of your mortal foe, Magneto!"
"What the bloody hell is a Mágneto?"
Spider-Man ignored the incorrect pronunciation of the name and just corrected himself instead. "Sorry, wrong person. I meant Voldemort!" Voldemort was said with an emphasis meant to sound terrifying and Spidey shook his fist when he said it.
"Oh, yeah. I mean, no I don't want to die by his hands!"
"Good, because I was really hoping to do that myself." (¡FORESHADOW!)
Harry backed up in horror.
"No, I'm only fooling, kid. But will you help me out? I'm here to protect you, remember?"
Harry Potter agreed to have the assistance of Spider-Man and even let Spidey sleep on the floor of his room. Aw, how nice.
Later that week it was time for Harry Potter to leave to the school he loved so very, very much and Spidey followed him. And once they arrived to platform nine and three-quarters and Spider-Man watched Harry run right through sheer brick, Spidey cried out, "Hell no!"
Then he noticed everyone staring at him so he slowly, hesitantly inched his way through the solid to find himself late for his train ride. The train started to pull away from the station so Spidey hopped on and rode on the top of the train.
Once they arrived to Hogwarts, Spider-Man spent much time with Harry. They ate together, bathed together, slept together… Not that anything weird was going on, of course not! That would be sick. This was all done in the macho manly fashion. It was a man thing.
Later some evening, some point during the year, evil things starting going on. Magic lab animals were being stolen and such, and Harry Potter decided it was his duty to figure out what was going on. So Harry woke his friend Ron, who humored Harry by pretending to be his friend, and they wandered the halls while looking for something suspicious.
Harry neglected to wake Spidey up mostly because he was becoming a nuisance, but partly because the super hero hadn't changed his costume for so long in fear of giving away his secret identity that he was beginning to emanate a strange and unpleasant smell.
Nonetheless, Spidey woke up to see Harry and Ron sneaking out, so he followed in typical Spider-Man fashion by crawling above them and sticking to the shadows. The two students eventually met with another person, a girl by the name of Hermoine.
"Hey, are we going to act like the kids in that gay Scooby Doo show and solve another outlandish mystery for the whole world to rave about until a movie is made about it and all the male Harry Potter nerdish fans rush out to buy the DVD if they haven't already downloaded the damn thing, just to pause it and jack off to my picture?" Hermoine ended her ranting run-on sentence.
"Uhhh… yeah," Harry admitted. "But, hey, at least you have some fame? Eh?" He let out a nervous laugh before being punched in the face.
"Ohhhh… Wasted by a girl," Ron said.
Harry was on the ground with broken glasses.
"Fuck this," Hermoine yelled. "I'm going back to bed." She left.
Harry stood up and before Ron could say "dissed" Harry snapped, "Shut up, Ron."
A quick spell later and Harry's glasses were fixed and Ron and Harry were back on their way to figuring out who was causing odd disturbances at Hogwarts.
Spider-Man was watching the whole time and laughing. Harry got wasted by a girl! How hilarious. Finally his spider-sense flared through his mind and he yelled, "Get down!"
Instinctively Harry and Ron hit the floor. Then out of nowhere, a great wizard appeared in a puff of smoke and mirrors. No, not Dumbledore. He sucks more ass than a gay man in prison. No, it was none other than Voldemort.
"Muahahahahahaha!" He laughed as the smoke faded away.
"Hey look, a regular Houdini," Spider-Man said, chuckling to himself.
"That was just horrible," Voldemort informed. "I mean, I've heard some horrible jokes before, but that takes the taco."
"Taco?"
"Yeah. It's Mexican for cake… I think…"
"Right…" Spidey said. "Look, I've seen the 'appear out of smoke' shtick before. I've seen it from Mysterio mainly, but there have been others. Sometimes I…"
"Shut up, already!" Harry cried out. "First you intrude upon my adventure like you actually belong here and now you try to steal the spot light?"
Harry whipped out his wand and waved it menacingly. Spider-Man took the wand using his webbing with the flick of his wrist.
"Haha! You are weaponless," Voldemort declared the obvious with a triumphant voice while he advanced on Harry.
"Hold it," Spidey said.
"What the bloody hell do you want!" Harry, Ron, and Voldemort all yelled out in unison as they turned to look at the webbed wonder.
Before they knew what was happening, a series of flashes blinded them all.
"There, that ought to satisfy 'ol J.J.J." Spider-Man said in content while holding up his camera.
"Then bugger off, will you?" Voldemort demanded. "I'm trying to settle an old score."
"Why do you want to kill him, anyway?" Spider-Man inquired.
"Well, I tried to kill him when he was a baby and failed. So I have to do it now!"
"Why?"
"…" Voldemort thought this over. "That's the way it works. I couldn't do it before, so I have to get even."
"That doesn't sound very logical to me," Spider-Man observed.
"Oh, for Christ's sake," Harry Potter sighed. "If he hasn't done it yet he won't do it now."
Spider-Man was still reluctant to let the enraged Voldemort take a stab at Potter.
"Look, Spidey—mind if I call you Spidey?—Potter deserves to die," Voldemort tried to sell his case. "He's plotting with a bunch of other wizards at this school to overthrow the United States' central government in hopes of Britain taking over in order to, soon thereafter, become the greatest nation in the world!"
Harry moaned at the pathetic attempt Voldemort was making. No one would believe that trash.
"DEAR GOD, NO!" Spider-Man cried as he lashed out with all his strength at Harry Potter. The astounding hit killed Potter on impact because of Peter Parker's proportionate strength of a spider… Yes, it's not too logical, but more so than wizards, eh comrades, eh?
"Hm…" Voldemort said after a moment's thought. "I really did want to do that myself, but I suppose I'm free to take over the world now!"
"You lied to me?" Spider-Man said in astonishment. "You bastard!"
With the same type of punch that took out Harry Potter, he swung at Voldemort with astounding speed. The villain couldn't escape and became another dead victim.
Spider-Man looked at Ron who had witnessed it all.
"Can't leave behind any witnesses, I suppose," Spidey said. And with that, he tossed Ron out a window.
Spider-Man left quietly after collecting his automatic camera that was snapping away the entire time. Once he got home to the Big Apple and sold J. Jonah Jameson his news photos this front-page headline was eventually the result:
Spider-Man Killed Harry Potter
I, J. Jonah Jameson, was wrong all along and admit that Spider-Man is a hero!
A short article (by Jameson since Ned Leeds ended up being dead the whole time) and several smashing news photos followed. Peter Parker was very happy despite the fact he was unable to understand why Jameson sent Leeds to write the report. What could possibly be better than everything stated in that headline of the Daily Bugle?
But alas, we all know Harry Potter will be back. And when he is, Neo will be waiting…
P.S. I really do love the Brits. Honest!