Hey everyone! So sorry I haven't written and have been keeping you in
suspense for so long, I've just been so busy with school and everything. I
promise to try to regulate my chapters a little bit better from now on, and
I'll try to post stuff up more often. Read and review, and enjoy!!!
Constructive criticism and ideas are always accepted. You can e-mail me
directly at charmbracelet26@aol.com, or IM me (AOL or AIM only) at
charmbracelet26. Anyway, on with the next chapter!
xoxo
nicole*
For a minute, I stood there in shock. I couldn't believe what had just happened. What did he think just happened? Did he just think what happened is what I'm thinking he thought what happened? I was confusing myself, so I shook my head of questions and tried to think logically.
AL: Gordo just left, and you're just standing there. Go on, do something!
I had to do something. He just left the Digital Bean! I had to chase after him. Without taking any more time to think, I pushed through the doors and ran outside on to the sidewalk. I looked both ways down the sidewalk, wondering which way he would have gone. But already, he had dissappeared. There was no trace of him anywhere.
AL: Either I've been thinking for a really long time, or he's a really fast runner for a sick guy.
Realizing that my boyfriend of less than seventy two hours was gone, out of my reach, because of something I did (really, didn't do). It was my fault. Everything was my fault. The words kept echoing through my head. It's your fault, Lizzie. It's your fault. Your fault. Gordo's hurt, and it's all your fault.
My head was spinning, my stomach was as well. Nothing made sense, I couldn't think or plan or anything. In a single instant, because of one single choice that was made, because of a single thing I did, everything was....different. My relationship with my best friend was ruined, and it didn't even stop there. My life was ruined, Gordo's life was ruined.
Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, maybe I was being overly dramatic like I always am. But maybe this time was the one time when I would be right to overanalyze things. Maybe for once in my life, overanalyzation would help me find the answer. The right answer to my problems.
No matter how much I tried to ignore or deny it, I was weighed down with a thousand pounds of guilt in less than five minutes. That stupid little voice in the back of my head... Lizzie....it's all your fault.... you've broken Gordo's trust... you've broken Gordo's heart.... you've broken your own heart.... it's all your fault, Lizzie..... your fault.... nothing will ever be the same, Lizzie....nothing will ever be the same...
The voices became too much for me, so much that I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to do something, so I did the first logical thing that came to mind.
"AAAAAAAAAAH!" I let out a loud, drawn out scream. People quickly passing by on the street gave me looks like I was insane, and by this point, I probably was. But that didn't bother me. For once, I didn't care what other people thought or said about me. This time, it was about Gordo.
I was panting, like I had been running miles and miles, when really I hadn't moved from my spot on the sidewalk. I looked down at the pink and silver bracelet watch on my wrist. Ten minutes had passed since Gordo left me at the Digital Bean, ten minutes and counting. Now that I had regained my sanity, I was beginning to become self conscious... I had to leave. I had to get out of there.... I had to be anywhere, anywhere but here.
Those words seemed familiar to me, like old friends that I was revisiting with after a short time of being apart from them. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but here. Where had I heard those words in that sequence before? Slowly but surely, the lyrics of a song I heard once on the radio started coming to me.
iI'm falling through the door br Flying across the floor br When you look at me br Suddenly it's clear br You're burning up my dreams br Crazy as it seems br
I don't wanna be anywhere but herebr/i
It was a song I knew well, could play back over and over again in my head. Who had sung that song? Oh, yeah... that Hilary Duff girl.
AL: In my opinion, that Hilary Duff is a musical genius. Not too bad looking, either. I'd kill for that hair!
I shook the lyrics from my head, searching from some other kind of reassurance. Any other time, I'd love that song, but today, right this second and the seconds that passed, their words seemed to be making fun of me. Stupid song. That was about wanting to be exactly where she was. I wanted to be exactly not where I was. There was only one way to accomplish that, and that was to leave.
Taking a deep breath, I started walking aimlessly down the sidewalk. I chose to go right, and walked along, trying to clear my head. I didn't know where I was going or what I would do when I got there, but as soon as I could look back and see that the Digital Bean had dissappeared from my vision, I felt relieved. I even smiled a little bit to myself, and then remembering why I wanted to get out of there, my heart plunged back into the depths of depression.
My feet rhythmically tapped the sidewalk, my heels clicking as I walked. They seemed to be making noises to a beat, the beat of a song. Another song I knew. A song I recognized... was it from a movie? Yes, I decided, it was from a song I knew from a movie I'd watched that I liked...
iI'm falling down br Try and stop me br It feels so good to hit the ground br You can watch me br Falling on my face br It's an uphill human race br I'm falling down br /i
Avril Lavigne, my inner pop culture genius told me. From Sweet Home Alabama. I remembered when I'd gone to see that movie, the summer before eighth grade when it was in theaters. It was hard to believe that was a whole year ago. I laughed to myself, thinking about how if, a year ago, someone would have told me that I'd go to Rome, make a singing sensation of myself there, and be dating Gordo, I would never have believed them. I would have thought whoever told me that was out of their minds.
That day seemed so clear to me. It was a Monday afternoon, and I had just been freed of my babysitting duties to Matt. Mom volunteered to drive me and my friends to the movies as a sort of a reward for helping out. I got right on the phone and called Gordo and Miranda, who both were allowed to go.
The movies were quiet that afternoon, since it was about 2:00, and a beautiful summer day outside. Everyone was either at the beach or a waterpark, doing something fun and exciting. Almost half the day was wasted, but I knew I was going to have fun because I was going to see a movie I'd been dying to see since the previews first started playing, and besides, even if the movie was horrible I'd still be spending the afternoon with my two best friends in the world.
We zipped through the ticket line and got our popcorn and sodas and candy faster than we ever had before. When we walked into the theater, the lights were still on and the previews hadn't even started yet. I remember thinking in amazement that this was the earliest I'd ever been to a movie in my entire life. There were some people in the theater already, but more and more filled in as we sat down and got comfortable. I remember how we were sitting, Miranda, me, and Gordo, center in the farthest back row.
i"Sssh, you guys, you're gonna miss the movie!" Gordo warned Miranda and Lizzie, who were still whispering about the cute guys sitting in the row in front of them.
"That one's got more freckles than his friend," Miranda commented in a whisper. "I'll take him, and you can have his friend."
Lizzie giggled. "No, I want him. You can have his friend."
"Rachel. Monica. Shut up." Gordo interrupted angrily. "Like either one of you would ever work up the nerve to talk to them!"
"What do you care, Gordo?" Lizzie asked. "This is a chick flick. I thought you hated chick flicks."
"Yeah," Miranda added. "I thought you liked those stupid movies with subtitles."
"SSSSH!" The two cute guys in the front row turned around, looking at the trio angrily. They turned back around, and Lizzie and Miranda dissolved into quiet, unresolved giggles.
"Sorry," Lizzie squeaked, sliding down into her seat as to hide herself in embarrassment. "We'll listen to you next time, Gordo."
Miranda, holding the tub of popcorn, nudged Lizzie. "You take this, or I'll eat it all before the previews are over."
Lizzie took the tub of popcorn and settled it on the seat between her and Gordo. They both grabbed for a handful at the same time, their hands brushing together. Lizzie quickly yanked her hand away and stared at the movie screen, her heart pounding. /i
That was when the scene with that song began. That was why that memory was so vivid to me. It made more sense, now that we were together. Or maybe I should say, now that we used to be together.
i If fear's what makes us decide br Our future's journey br I'm not along for the ride br Cause I'm still yearning br To try and touch the sky br My finger's burning br Before you're old you're young br Yet I'm still learning br /Ia
I smiled at the memory and at my thirteen year old self. I seemed so young then, and it seemed like that was forever ago, at the same time it felt like yesterday. When did life begin to get so complicated?
i Have you ever been low? br Have you ever had a friend that let you down so br When the truth came out br Were you the last to know br Because what you did was low br/i
Another memory involving Gordo began to come to me. This time, it was the beginning of eighth grade. I felt a little tinge in my heart remembering how awful it felt to have my heart broken for the first time.
"Ronnie broke up with me," Lizzie explained through her tears.
"He's a loser," Gordo assured her.
"No, Gordo, I'm the loser," she replied. "He likes another girl. She's probably prettier than me and smarter than me and more fun to be with."
"No, she's not," Gordo promised.
"How do you know?"Lizzie demanded.
"Because there's no one that's prettier than you or more fun to be with," Gordo answered reasonably.
"You forgot smarter," she reminded him.
"I was including myself in that," he said, smiling.
She smiled. "Thanks, Gordo. You're a really good friend."
"Yeah, well," he sighed, and then stopped talking.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Gordo, what?"
"Nothing," he persisted.
Lizzie stood up and took a deep breath, smiling.
Gordo, always there for me, no matter what. He had trusted me to be there for him, and I had let him down. Even if indirectly, unintentionally, I had still let him down, and it still felt like it was my fault.
I continued to walk, and looking around at my surroundings, I realized that I was barely a half a mile from the Digital Bean. I had been walking pretty slowly, so that was no big surprise. Pretty soon, it would start to get dark, and I would have to go back to Miranda's house. And then what? Then what would I do?
There wasn't much at this point that I could do to salvage the situation. It felt like too much time had passed to start doing something about it. Maybe this was some silent way of telling me that Gordo and I weren't meant to be. Maybe all relationships run their course, and though it was short, this one had run its. Maybe I should just give up on Gordo.
iI can't take it br I miss you even more br And I can't fake it br The way I could before br I hate you but I love you br I can't stop thinking of you
It's true br I'm stuck on youbr /i
Give up on Gordo? That would be a first. I'd never given up on him before....not when he was so into playing Dwarflord, not when he was obsessed with the documentary crew that had been in town taping him in seventh grade. And he'd never given up on me. Not when I never would shut up about Ronnie, not when I turned bad in seventh grade, not even when I got so caught up in competing with Kate or trying to get Ethan's attention so many times that always ended up backfiring on me. I couldn't do this to him, and deep down I knew it was because he'd never give up on me, even after this. Even after I'd treated him this way.
I had to do something. I needed someone's help. And I knew the perfect person to ask....
For a minute, I stood there in shock. I couldn't believe what had just happened. What did he think just happened? Did he just think what happened is what I'm thinking he thought what happened? I was confusing myself, so I shook my head of questions and tried to think logically.
AL: Gordo just left, and you're just standing there. Go on, do something!
I had to do something. He just left the Digital Bean! I had to chase after him. Without taking any more time to think, I pushed through the doors and ran outside on to the sidewalk. I looked both ways down the sidewalk, wondering which way he would have gone. But already, he had dissappeared. There was no trace of him anywhere.
AL: Either I've been thinking for a really long time, or he's a really fast runner for a sick guy.
Realizing that my boyfriend of less than seventy two hours was gone, out of my reach, because of something I did (really, didn't do). It was my fault. Everything was my fault. The words kept echoing through my head. It's your fault, Lizzie. It's your fault. Your fault. Gordo's hurt, and it's all your fault.
My head was spinning, my stomach was as well. Nothing made sense, I couldn't think or plan or anything. In a single instant, because of one single choice that was made, because of a single thing I did, everything was....different. My relationship with my best friend was ruined, and it didn't even stop there. My life was ruined, Gordo's life was ruined.
Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, maybe I was being overly dramatic like I always am. But maybe this time was the one time when I would be right to overanalyze things. Maybe for once in my life, overanalyzation would help me find the answer. The right answer to my problems.
No matter how much I tried to ignore or deny it, I was weighed down with a thousand pounds of guilt in less than five minutes. That stupid little voice in the back of my head... Lizzie....it's all your fault.... you've broken Gordo's trust... you've broken Gordo's heart.... you've broken your own heart.... it's all your fault, Lizzie..... your fault.... nothing will ever be the same, Lizzie....nothing will ever be the same...
The voices became too much for me, so much that I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to do something, so I did the first logical thing that came to mind.
"AAAAAAAAAAH!" I let out a loud, drawn out scream. People quickly passing by on the street gave me looks like I was insane, and by this point, I probably was. But that didn't bother me. For once, I didn't care what other people thought or said about me. This time, it was about Gordo.
I was panting, like I had been running miles and miles, when really I hadn't moved from my spot on the sidewalk. I looked down at the pink and silver bracelet watch on my wrist. Ten minutes had passed since Gordo left me at the Digital Bean, ten minutes and counting. Now that I had regained my sanity, I was beginning to become self conscious... I had to leave. I had to get out of there.... I had to be anywhere, anywhere but here.
Those words seemed familiar to me, like old friends that I was revisiting with after a short time of being apart from them. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but here. Where had I heard those words in that sequence before? Slowly but surely, the lyrics of a song I heard once on the radio started coming to me.
iI'm falling through the door br Flying across the floor br When you look at me br Suddenly it's clear br You're burning up my dreams br Crazy as it seems br
I don't wanna be anywhere but herebr/i
It was a song I knew well, could play back over and over again in my head. Who had sung that song? Oh, yeah... that Hilary Duff girl.
AL: In my opinion, that Hilary Duff is a musical genius. Not too bad looking, either. I'd kill for that hair!
I shook the lyrics from my head, searching from some other kind of reassurance. Any other time, I'd love that song, but today, right this second and the seconds that passed, their words seemed to be making fun of me. Stupid song. That was about wanting to be exactly where she was. I wanted to be exactly not where I was. There was only one way to accomplish that, and that was to leave.
Taking a deep breath, I started walking aimlessly down the sidewalk. I chose to go right, and walked along, trying to clear my head. I didn't know where I was going or what I would do when I got there, but as soon as I could look back and see that the Digital Bean had dissappeared from my vision, I felt relieved. I even smiled a little bit to myself, and then remembering why I wanted to get out of there, my heart plunged back into the depths of depression.
My feet rhythmically tapped the sidewalk, my heels clicking as I walked. They seemed to be making noises to a beat, the beat of a song. Another song I knew. A song I recognized... was it from a movie? Yes, I decided, it was from a song I knew from a movie I'd watched that I liked...
iI'm falling down br Try and stop me br It feels so good to hit the ground br You can watch me br Falling on my face br It's an uphill human race br I'm falling down br /i
Avril Lavigne, my inner pop culture genius told me. From Sweet Home Alabama. I remembered when I'd gone to see that movie, the summer before eighth grade when it was in theaters. It was hard to believe that was a whole year ago. I laughed to myself, thinking about how if, a year ago, someone would have told me that I'd go to Rome, make a singing sensation of myself there, and be dating Gordo, I would never have believed them. I would have thought whoever told me that was out of their minds.
That day seemed so clear to me. It was a Monday afternoon, and I had just been freed of my babysitting duties to Matt. Mom volunteered to drive me and my friends to the movies as a sort of a reward for helping out. I got right on the phone and called Gordo and Miranda, who both were allowed to go.
The movies were quiet that afternoon, since it was about 2:00, and a beautiful summer day outside. Everyone was either at the beach or a waterpark, doing something fun and exciting. Almost half the day was wasted, but I knew I was going to have fun because I was going to see a movie I'd been dying to see since the previews first started playing, and besides, even if the movie was horrible I'd still be spending the afternoon with my two best friends in the world.
We zipped through the ticket line and got our popcorn and sodas and candy faster than we ever had before. When we walked into the theater, the lights were still on and the previews hadn't even started yet. I remember thinking in amazement that this was the earliest I'd ever been to a movie in my entire life. There were some people in the theater already, but more and more filled in as we sat down and got comfortable. I remember how we were sitting, Miranda, me, and Gordo, center in the farthest back row.
i"Sssh, you guys, you're gonna miss the movie!" Gordo warned Miranda and Lizzie, who were still whispering about the cute guys sitting in the row in front of them.
"That one's got more freckles than his friend," Miranda commented in a whisper. "I'll take him, and you can have his friend."
Lizzie giggled. "No, I want him. You can have his friend."
"Rachel. Monica. Shut up." Gordo interrupted angrily. "Like either one of you would ever work up the nerve to talk to them!"
"What do you care, Gordo?" Lizzie asked. "This is a chick flick. I thought you hated chick flicks."
"Yeah," Miranda added. "I thought you liked those stupid movies with subtitles."
"SSSSH!" The two cute guys in the front row turned around, looking at the trio angrily. They turned back around, and Lizzie and Miranda dissolved into quiet, unresolved giggles.
"Sorry," Lizzie squeaked, sliding down into her seat as to hide herself in embarrassment. "We'll listen to you next time, Gordo."
Miranda, holding the tub of popcorn, nudged Lizzie. "You take this, or I'll eat it all before the previews are over."
Lizzie took the tub of popcorn and settled it on the seat between her and Gordo. They both grabbed for a handful at the same time, their hands brushing together. Lizzie quickly yanked her hand away and stared at the movie screen, her heart pounding. /i
That was when the scene with that song began. That was why that memory was so vivid to me. It made more sense, now that we were together. Or maybe I should say, now that we used to be together.
i If fear's what makes us decide br Our future's journey br I'm not along for the ride br Cause I'm still yearning br To try and touch the sky br My finger's burning br Before you're old you're young br Yet I'm still learning br /Ia
I smiled at the memory and at my thirteen year old self. I seemed so young then, and it seemed like that was forever ago, at the same time it felt like yesterday. When did life begin to get so complicated?
i Have you ever been low? br Have you ever had a friend that let you down so br When the truth came out br Were you the last to know br Because what you did was low br/i
Another memory involving Gordo began to come to me. This time, it was the beginning of eighth grade. I felt a little tinge in my heart remembering how awful it felt to have my heart broken for the first time.
"Ronnie broke up with me," Lizzie explained through her tears.
"He's a loser," Gordo assured her.
"No, Gordo, I'm the loser," she replied. "He likes another girl. She's probably prettier than me and smarter than me and more fun to be with."
"No, she's not," Gordo promised.
"How do you know?"Lizzie demanded.
"Because there's no one that's prettier than you or more fun to be with," Gordo answered reasonably.
"You forgot smarter," she reminded him.
"I was including myself in that," he said, smiling.
She smiled. "Thanks, Gordo. You're a really good friend."
"Yeah, well," he sighed, and then stopped talking.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Gordo, what?"
"Nothing," he persisted.
Lizzie stood up and took a deep breath, smiling.
Gordo, always there for me, no matter what. He had trusted me to be there for him, and I had let him down. Even if indirectly, unintentionally, I had still let him down, and it still felt like it was my fault.
I continued to walk, and looking around at my surroundings, I realized that I was barely a half a mile from the Digital Bean. I had been walking pretty slowly, so that was no big surprise. Pretty soon, it would start to get dark, and I would have to go back to Miranda's house. And then what? Then what would I do?
There wasn't much at this point that I could do to salvage the situation. It felt like too much time had passed to start doing something about it. Maybe this was some silent way of telling me that Gordo and I weren't meant to be. Maybe all relationships run their course, and though it was short, this one had run its. Maybe I should just give up on Gordo.
iI can't take it br I miss you even more br And I can't fake it br The way I could before br I hate you but I love you br I can't stop thinking of you
It's true br I'm stuck on youbr /i
Give up on Gordo? That would be a first. I'd never given up on him before....not when he was so into playing Dwarflord, not when he was obsessed with the documentary crew that had been in town taping him in seventh grade. And he'd never given up on me. Not when I never would shut up about Ronnie, not when I turned bad in seventh grade, not even when I got so caught up in competing with Kate or trying to get Ethan's attention so many times that always ended up backfiring on me. I couldn't do this to him, and deep down I knew it was because he'd never give up on me, even after this. Even after I'd treated him this way.
I had to do something. I needed someone's help. And I knew the perfect person to ask....