Faded Dreams, Falling Like Rain completed

by Rondy Peredhil

What begins as Cloud's search to find himself at the end of the game canon, really turns out to be all a dream Sephiroth had. Is it possible that Cloud and Sephiroth are the same person? Rated R for male/male implications, and disturbing themes.

22. Rebirth

Faded Dreams, Falling Like Rain

A Final Fantasy VII Fan Fiction by Sarah Digna Yudlowitz

Dream . . .

Dream of death . . .

Dream of moonlight . . .

Legal Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and all of its characters belong to the company of Squaresoft. I do not claim these characters or the concept of the game for my own. This work is not to be distributed, sold, or posted anywhere without the consent of its author. Comments and encouragements are always welcomed, as they are a part of the enjoyment of writing Fan fiction. Please take this into consideration while you read the following fiction.

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The Author's Note: Hi. This is the Author here (duh) telling you that if you are not open to theories about Jenova, you shouldn't go on reading beyond this point. In this chapter, there is implied Sephiroth/Jenova action, in turn implied Jenova/Sephiroth/Clone action, in turn implied Jenova/Sephiroth/Cloud/Clone action. It's very confusing, I'm telling you that right now.

There is sexual tension in this chapter (shounen ai) between Sephiroth and Cloud and Sephiroth and Zack. There is disturbing imagery, and mention of Kabbalah. If you don't know what Sephiroth's name means, or where Squaresoft got it from, you're not only a loser, but you deserve not to call yourself a fan. If you do not know where Lilith's name originates from, you should read a little bit more into the whole Creation of the Planet deal, and the texts written on the subject. If you seizure as a result of this chapter, it's entirely your fault. If you think my theory on Jenova is crap, that's your opinion. I could care less.

It's my belief that Jenova's sentience is dependant upon her host. Her host happened to be Sephiroth, and therefore, must play a serious role in my whole Creation of the World take off on this fic. If you don't know what I'm talking about already, discontinue reading.

Chapter Twenty-two

Shera was like a mess of jittery nerves. She was apologizing profusely for everything, even if she hadn't done anything. Vincent rather pitied the woman. She insisted that she would make everyone tea. Vincent didn't even like tea, but he found himself sipping at it absently anyway, thanking the woman and patting her hand gently. Lilith seemed engrossed with her tea, staring into it as if it was Lifestream; a primeval proverbial soup.

Cloud was making coffee. Vincent was glad. The only one out of them that seemed to enjoy the tea was Cid, who was sipping it with care and measure. Barret was up and helping Cloud, leaving his tea behind in a very subtle gesture, Vincent supposed. Vincent watched as Shera took a seat beside Cid. He reached over and gave her a pat on the back.

"Fuckin' best tea," Cid grunted into the mug. Cloud poignantly laughed at Cid. Vincent and Lilith blinked in turns. Cid certainly didn't seem like the type of man who . . . loved tea.

"Oh! You'll probably want something to go along with that tea," Shera said, suddenly snapping up to get a poundcake she had left by the tent's roll-up door. Cloud took a seat, but not before he stared intently at Lilith for a few seconds. He set a mug in front of Vincent and then in front of Barret .The large man sat down gingerly, as his bulk would be hard on the very fragile beaten up chairs, and took the mug, waving his thanks to the blonde boy, who bounced back over to the coffee pot, balancing first on his heel, and then on his toes inside his encrusted plain boots. He was still eyeing Lilith carefully. She was still looking into the tea. Vincent decided to ignore it and took a sip of the coffee, reaching over to take some poundcake onto a plate which was set before him by Shera. He was surprisingly hungry, and soon it was gone. Cloud came bouncing over again and set two mugs down again, this time for himself, and he offered the other to Lilith, who shook her head and finally sipped her tea.

"Have you ever noticed something funny about my name and Sephiroth's?" Lilith asked Vincent. Cloud was sitting down slowly, hurt that she wasn't speaking to him about Sephiroth. Now that she mentioned it, though, he'd never known what Sephiroth's name meant. His mother had simply shrugged and said she liked clouds, that they were like hope. They brought life-giving rain, she had said. Cloud wondered why she didn't just as well name him Rain. It was just as ridiculous. But the name Sephiroth? It was so strange that it must mean something, right? And Hojo had named him. No doubt it was something very pretentious. Sephiroth was a lot of things, but pretentious he wasn't, even though he could have been, with how loved he was. Cloud shook his head, remembering all of the sacrifices he had made because he had no choice but to be someone different from everyone else. How like a childe Sephiroth was, when Cloud overheard him yelling at Zack.

A flash of fear overtook him, and he looked down at the hand that gripped his Masamune. It was a sword only he could wield. In all of SOLDIER, only he could wield the ceremonial blade. Those that came before him, and those before them, had only held the blade in parties hosted in their honor. And Sephiroth wielded Masamune in battle, hefting it and swinging it outward in a two-handed arc with grace. Was he different? No, he knew he was different from them.

"Am I human?" Sephiroth whispered, his voice wavering. "Am I like these monsters?!" His hand grasped the hilt of Masamune, one of the many reminders that he was different. "Ever since I was little, I knew I was different . . . but not like this . . . Not like this!!!" Zack stumbled back. Every time Sephiroth's blade hit the tanks that held those . . . things, there was a blinding flash of light as metal hit metal. Even the Masamune couldn't open the metal pod tanks. Sephiroth was shaking. He couldn't control himself for once in his life. Something big was coming.

" . . . Seph? Seph, stop it."

"Don't call me that!" Sephiroth whirled on Zack. He looked as if he was going to use his sword, but was interrupted by the sound of the fluid inside the tank decompressing and disappearing into the air as sickly green steam. Makou. Sephiroth's lips curled in disgust at the keening wail of the monster.

***

"Like this, Zack?" Cloud asked as he hefted the heavy buster sword Zack had allowed him to get a feel for. Zack shook his head, and as he was about to show the recruit the correct way to hold it, a shadowy figure entered the weapon storage room.

"What poor boy are you torturing today, Zachary?" came a low smooth voice behind Cloud. Cloud remembered it was an utterly controlled tone, smooth, unyielding, and throaty. It was slightly brooding. Cloud could tell he was an older man, perhaps an officer. He wasn't too much older than Zack though. Maybe by a couple of years. The voice wasn't gruff, like some of the officers that took care of the recruits. In fact, there was somewhat of a womanly quality to it. Cloud couldn't mistake it for a woman's however, as it was . . . thick, sort of lazy, but there was a hint at great energy. Curious, Cloud turned around to see whose voice he had been examining, and his breath caught in his throat. He nearly dropped the weapon he had been holding.

"Oh, right. I forgot that the recruits go gaga over you," Zack snickered at Cloud's reaction. Cloud shot a look at Zack and attempted to look nonchalant. The man came closer, stepping into the light that shone from outside. He wore his signature military uniform.

"I'm off duty right now, Zachary. I came to look for you. You're teaching some B-level recruits how to use Green Materia at fifteen-hundred hours." Again, the lazy tone. It was also rather cold, unemotional. Cloud found it slightly feral, like the purring of a large cat. Sephiroth's half-slitted, almond shaped Makou green eyes reminded Cloud of a cat's as well. Seeing his long silver hair up-close made Cloud want to touch it . . . to run his hands through it. It looked curiously feathery soft.

"Found me," Zack winced as if hurt. "How do you manage to do that?" Sephiroth raised a brow, nodding his head and laughing softly.

"Ah, I see. Your own 'methods'?"

"No, nothing of that sort. I just follow the bigmouthed comments. So, who is this?" Sephiroth asked, turning his attention to Cloud. In the sunlight, Sephiroth looked like an Angel, which wasn't such a stretch. He was beautiful, Cloud told himself. He had thought that that word would never describe a man, but . . . Sephiroth was . . . different. He wasn't merely a man. He was the greatest SOLDIER, the pride and joy of Shinra. And how such a man could look like that was beyond Cloud's comprehension. But he had known what Sephiroth looked like from articles he'd posted on his bulletin board, Cloud reminded himself. He also dully noted that beauty up-close was always different.

"That," Zack started with a wink at the blonde-haired boy, "is your biggest fan, even though he doesn't like to admit it. His name's Cloud Strife."

"Intriguing," Sephiroth said, and bowed his head to him. Cloud blinked. Huh? Zack made a slit throat gesture with his hands and Cloud bowed back, trying to show the man respect with grace, but he almost fell, and instead stumbled. He didn't know which one was worse. Cloud hoped his cheeks weren't as red as they felt. It certainly wouldn't do to have Sephiroth know that he was affecting Cloud in this way. He wanted to give a good impression. Cloud swallowed hard when he noticed his palm was sweaty. Sephiroth took his hand anyway, and he shook it briefly. "I suppose bowing isn't your greeting custom? Where do you come from, Strife,Cloud?" The sound of his name on Sephiroth's lips was like euphoria. Cloud gulped.

"N-N-Nibelheim, sir."

"Ah. I was near there just last week. There was an inspection of the North Corel reactor."

"I-I know," Cloud said feebly.

"Why don't you teach Cloud here how to really handle a sword?" Zack asked the tall man with silver hair. Cloud shot Zack a look. Zack was aware of how that question sounded. He grinned coyly. Cloud grumbled slightly. Great, Zack's going to let me make a fool of myself in front of the guy I came here to be like, Cloud thought absently. Joining SOLDIER didn't seem like a really good idea yet again. Zack was really going to be on his shit list.

"I was just going to get something to eat, but I suppose I can stay here for a bit."

"As if you've never skipped meals," Zack laughed. Sephiroth ignored it. He was looking at the buster sword in Cloud's hands.

"I think you should start with something more fitted to you, Cloud. A Zweihandler is for show offs like Zachary." Zack was going to comment about how Sephiroth was the only man on the Planet wielding that Masamune, and the only one in history that ever could, but he let that slide. Maybe he would point that out later. But then, with Sephiroth, there was little of a chance at later. He was almost never in a mood that wasn't foul. He was . . . extraordinarily upbeat today, as his moods went, which made sense because he was off duty. He wondered if he would spend that time with Cloud. It certainly seemed like he was attracted to Cloud in many more ways than one. He had caught him staring at Cloud's hair, eyebrow arched. Eh, Zack didn't get Cloud's hair either.

Sephiroth was busy looking at the rows of weapons. When he was done, he drew one off a shelf and walked over to Cloud.

"What's that?" Cloud asked.

"Long sword, about . . . twenty-five inches long, 3 inches thick. It has a fish pommel hilt," Sephiroth responded mechanically. "Here." The sword was extended to Cloud delicately, who took it in his hands questioningly. He didn't know what to do with it. Sephiroth leaned slightly over Cloud and corrected his hands on the hilt, then started to move his hands slightly, so that his elbows were bent. Cloud's eyes widened as he slowly realized Sephiroth's hands were on his, this time keeping contact. His silver hair was nearly draped over his shoulder, and he could smell Sephiroth's clean yet spicy cinnamon scent. Cloud's eyes closed, then reopened with a snap as Sephiroth's hand went between his legs to push one of his feet forward. This however caused Cloud to squeak awkwardly, as he didn't know Sephiroth was going to touch him . . . there. Relax, he told himself, he didn't mean it that way. Zack chuckled and saluted to Sephiroth.

"I think I'll leave you to handle Cloud," Zack winked at the silver-haired man. Cloud shot Zack another look. Sephiroth still ignored Zack, waving him off curtly. Zack left shortly after, and panic rose in Cloud's throat. He felt his heart beat in his ears. He hoped he would die right about now. Sephiroth's arm left Cloud's legs, and he stood in front of him now, looking over his position.

"How does your grip feel?" Sephiroth asked. Cloud blinked, and then realized that the sword was in his hands. He kept forgetting so many things. Sephiroth was unnerving him to no end. "There's no need to be nervous." Cloud took in a breath that seemed to stab his lungs, and with a voice that came somewhere deep inside himself, Cloud answered.

"It feels . . . natural."

"Ah, good. So I was right in my calculations."

"Uhm . . . " Cloud felt foolish just standing there in the position Sephiroth had put him in, and his legs were starting to cramp up.

"You can right yourself now, Cloud." Sephiroth was staring at Cloud intently, as if he intrigued him. Cloud did so, holding out the sword for Sephiroth to take. It had been heavy, and was making his wrist hurt, but Sephiroth's skillfully hardened sword hands found them to be a great deal lighter than the Masamune, as he did with all swords. He placed it back on the rack and looked back at Cloud, who was standing there, control the only thing he had that was making him still. If he wasn't shouting at himself to stay still, Sephiroth noted, he'd be fidgeting uncomfortably.

A slight smile formed on Sephiroth's lips in spite of himself. Cloud was unusually short for a boy his age, and agonizing skinny, but there was something about him that set him off from the recruits he'd seen already, which reminded him. "President Shinra has informed me that I am in charge of looking over the recruits, to see if they're right for SOLDIER," Sephiroth said. He paused, to see if Cloud would say anything. He didn't. "There is a two week period in which we test all of the recruits to see if they will survive the Makou treatment that comes along with being a third class SOLDIER. If we believe that that recruit does not seem like they can handle the Makou treatment, they are dropped from SOLDIER."

"Do you think I can make it?!" Cloud suddenly said, full of hope. He immediately clamped his hands over his mouth when he realized what he'd said. Sephiroth raised a silver brow. He was staring at Cloud again. The boy slid his startlingly azure eyes toward Sephiroth, daring to look. But the man was unreadable. He looked into the Makou infused eyes and felt his chest tighten. So cold. But there was . . . something behind there. Sephiroth almost seemed sad. And then he looked up at the ceiling.

"I don't know. I'm going to go now. I have paper work." Cloud was sure he heard him say he was off duty. It would be like that from then on. Sephiroth's wall of control would always clamp down upon Cloud just when he had almost figured it out. It annoyed Cloud to no end. But it was what made Sephiroth real for Cloud. It was what made him a person, instead of an icon.

Cloud finally snapped out of his reverie to hear Lilith speaking to Vincent. Shera and Cid were oddly quiet, and Barret was listening to the conversation that the two Snipers were sharing, every now and then speaking out of confusion.

" . . . Sephiroth being the singular term for one of these changes," Cloud heard the sentence in the middle of it, confused as Lilith dragged on in a monotonic voice. " Hojo decided to name him after the Sephirothic system, seeing as how Sephiroth was the Alpha specimen of the Jenova Project, in which he was given an unusual amount of Jenova cells, forced to reply to the treatment he was being given. It made him stronger than Hojo could ever imagine. He was able to mend broken bones in days. He broke his ribs repeatedly. Sephiroth soon never needed bandages.

But there was something Hojo was hiding from Sephiroth. He started to hear things, see things from the past, present, and future, and soon understood that the time continuum allowed each to carry themselves all at one time and plane. Whatever happened in the past effects the present, and so on affects the future. Psychics can only know the future through things that connect them with their clients, friends, and family . . . but with Sephiroth, it connected him totally and completely with Jenova, and in turn, completely with Lifestream. But, being as how he was a man, inhibited by the shell of being so, Jenova encouraged something called Rebirth. He spoke of it at the North Crater, where he gathered his clones.

"I, being the Alpha clone, and the third specimen of Sephiroth's treatment, was drawn to Jenova as well, but since I was like Sephiroth, the pull was that much greater. I found myself going insane with images, with words that came with his voice, and I knew totally and completely what my brother craved and strove for and understand it to the core so much, yet knowing his confusion, I became him in a way that none of his clones would. Jenova accepted me as her childe, as she accepted Sephiroth as such, and we rivaled for her affection, as did the other clones. But Jenova was nothing human. She had a sentience that startled me, knowing Sephiroth's information that he found in the Shinra Library in Nibelheim. The way she communicated was through pictures, and her voice was through Sephiroth, whom she played like her puppet.

"I started to notice odd things. In his slumber, Sephiroth was curled tightly against Jenova's ever-energy utilizing body. She was morphing, attaching herself to Sephiroth in ways that reminded me of cell conjugation and mitosis, and Sephiroth's eyes, closed tightly, almost immediately darted back and forth under their closed lids in REM. Something big was coming. Something I felt with the jarring in my bones. Lifestream was so near. The euphoria was heady. Sometimes Sephiroth would stiffen, his eyes widening as Jenova slithered her tentacle "arms" toward him, and he would experience something far past pleasure as images drove into his skull, his pupils reduced to almost nothing. In turn, the clones felt this pleasure. It made us even more drawn to Jenova. She was drugging our minds.

"Jenova was neither she nor he, however. Jenova was a purely asexual creature that could take on forms by becoming part of them. And she was becoming part of Sephiroth. So she was really a he toward the end. I witnessed his Half-mutated form near the end of his life. He was really far gone. He was Jenova. Jenova was him. There really was no way to discern where the two were separate.

"Of course, Hojo never knew that Jenova would ever be this strong. Or that Sephiroth would ever react that way to Jenova. But he drove him to it. I'm sure that if that man had been alive to understand it as fully as I do now, he'd think on the irony of Sephiroth's name. What a true conundrum Sephiroth ended up being. He ended up changing the fate of the Planet, getting rid of the Shinra, bringing back ultimate peace, even though his intentions were not selfless.

"Rebirth was the purpose of Reunion. Reunion was merely the first step after Jenova had total control over Sephiroth. The reason why Reunion was held in North Crater was that it was near the largest gathering of Lifestream, whereupon, if Meteor struck it, all lives would return to Lifestream, and be "reborn" so to speak in the Promised Land, giving a new existence to life, to the universe. Sephiroth almost succeeded too. If it had not been for Cloud . . . and everyone else, you would all be children of Jenova." There was an uncomfortable silence that Lilith just noticed as her voice died, her need to explain this all rushing out when she saw the pale faces. But Cloud . . . Cloud seemed to understand. His face was calm, reserved. Why? And then she remembered feeling what Sephiroth felt for Cloud in the North Crater. It was why she felt she was taking advantage of him. She knew why he was envisioning Sephiroth when they made love. It was something a lot more complex then Cloud's feelings for Sephiroth. Lilith paled. Could it be possible that there were still traces of Jenova?

Sephiroth's heartbeat was in her ears, as well as the keening sound of Jenova's beams of control. Ever craving control, her defenses were lowered as she drove images into Sephiroth's mind, in turn to all of the clones. They were images of Cloud, and Sephiroth taking him. The heartbeat in her ears steadily got faster until Sephiroth was beyond anything coherent. The only thing in her mind was him manipulating Cloud, his voice in her head was broken, fragmented thoughts pertaining to desire and despair. Jenova would keep him going like that, manipulating him then with images of Cloud turning on him, of laughing at him, of using him for his own gain, and Sephiroth pleasure turned toward anger, in turn filling the clones with anger. All together . . . they were Jenova, and Jenova was they . . . and they all wanted Rebirth. Jenova promised perpetual pleasure, only giving them glimpses into human pleasure through Sephiroth, and then giving them glimpses into inhumanly pleasure through the plans they arranged.

"God damn, woman," Barret shook his head, "you sound almost as crazy as that damned fool, and we had to kill him for his crazy fool talk."

"I feared you would not understand," Lilith sighed. Cid was pouring himself another mug of tea, his hand curiously shaking.

"This Sephirothic system leads our lives? Records our history, and changes it?" Cid asked, crinkling a brow. Shera stared at Cid, as if expecting something to erupt.

"Yes. And there must be something wrong. There has to be a reason why I was the only clone near the North Crater that didn't die with the touch of Holy. There has to be something more."

"Are you saying that Lifestream missed something?" Vincent whispered. Lilith's eyes darted back and forth, seeing far past her hands. She breathed heavily.

"My name," Lilith began. "It's so strange."

"There are a lot of women named Lilith," Barret pointed out. He didn't understand what Lilith was searching for. Salty tears formed at her eyes and she stood shakily, drawing in shallow breaths of air. Images of Hojo hovering over. Images of Hojo talking to President Shinra when he thought she wasn't there. Images of Sephiroth in the Infirmary with Makou Poisoning. Images of Professor Gast. Images of Vincent climbing from his coffin after twenty-odd years. Images of Cloud being disillusioned. Lilith felt her chest constrict.

"Hojo was going to name Sephiroth Adam. His assistant was named Eve. He was screwing her. When he tired of her, he took Lucrecia from Vincent, because he had always hated the TURK hanging around his Laboratory. Lucrecia was his assistant. Hojo was pumping himself full of Jenova cells. He would never react to Jenova like me and Sephiroth, because he was so far into the stages of life when he started experimenting on himself. But he was doing that very shortly after he and Gast found Jenova in the geological stratum. He had been very curious as to what the effects of Jenova were on a young life, so his ulterior motives were to bring a male childe into this world and treat it as a SOLDIER, and then as a Jenova recipient.

"The reason why he did not name Sephiroth Adam is because he felt faint premonitions from his Jenova fevered mind. Hojo was very interested in Kabbalah, the Jewish order of things. He took to studying it intensely, in particular the Sephirothic system. He had such a feeling about Lucrecia's childe that she named it Sephiroth. He only named me Lilith because he knew, somewhere, in the recesses of his mind, that I would interfere in some way. So he bitterly called me Lilith. God's hated creation. The sinful woman. The one that rivaled Adam and God. But Adam was stupid. Sephiroth was the uprising of a new Millennia. Sephiroth was what was supposed to beat me into submission. Sephiroth was supposed to be a god." Lilith was quaking. She was enraged. Revelation hit her like a strike to her sternum. She was so tired . . . so terribly tired. Her chin sagged against her chest. Again, there was eerie silence as she passed out, tumbling like a broken rag doll to the floor.