American Were Ed
By: Cartman's Girl

Notes: I'd like to thank the comments I got. There might be some OOC throughout this story, but I'm not that phased about it since I've read some fics with worse OOC then this. Plus, ain't a thing to loose sleep over that's for sure.

[later that night CG lays awake wide-eyed]

~*~

Chapter Two: And so Ed Begins

"Come on Ed, tell me." Nazz folded her arms. The kids were now gathered around Ed, who was sat on a stool with a sign 'The Amazing Ed – Knows all, Smells all!' with a jar with only a few quarters thrown in. Rolf looked on, intrigued while Kevin rolled his eyes at how lame this was.

"Nazz is wearing pink cantaloupe flavoured lip gloss which still smells of her yellow pineapple scented gloss from yesterday and…" Ed sniffed in her direction. "She had blueberry muffin for breakfast." Nazz stared blankly at first.

"Is he right?" Kevin asked; and if he was, how did Ed know what flavour lip glass Nazz was wearing??

"He… he's right…" Nazz mumbled before pulling out her lip-gloss from her pocket. It was indeed Pink Cantaloupe Flavoured Lip Gloss. All the kids made 'Ooo' like sounds.

"Oo me next, me next!" Jonny placed a quarter in the tin and held out Plank. "What kind of wood is Plank?" Ed sniffed in Plank's general direction, frowning.

"Plank smells of a by-product of assorted mulched chippings formed together to make a plank which was to be used in the making of a reconstructed ship in a movie." Ed recited, "Don't know which one though."

"You said you were red wood, Plank!" Jonny scolded. Kevin then walked up,

"Let's see how you go with THIS one." Kevin placed a quarter in the tin, and folded his arms while sneering at Ed. "What flavour jaw breaker did I have today?" All the kids gasped. How would Ed be able to tell if he can't smell inside Kevin's mouth? Eddy, who was around the sign leant in listening.

"Kevin had the delightfully lemon sorbet jaw breaker, laced with refined sugar from his mother's pantry. Westers Sugar too." Ed replied after a moment of sniffing in Kevin's direction.

"HAH! Did-" Kevin faulted. Ed was right. "…too."

"Double D, I'm telling ya; Ed's brilliant! He can smell EVERYTHING! He can even tell how old and where the cash has been!" Eddy walked up around the sign, taking a quarter from Rolf who was about to deposit it.

"Thank you. And now! Ladies and gentlemen! Dare you see if Ed can tell WHERE Rolf's been keeping this quarter?" he asked,

"Rolf knows where it was." Rolf said, "What is point?"

"Well if he's right, it'll prove even more how great he is! Go on Ed. Sniff it." Eddy held the quarter out. Ed took the quarter and sniffed at it. He sniffed again, then actually licked it. He made a face, and placed it back in Eddy's hand; though Eddy looked disgusted.

"Rolf kept this quarter hidden under the chicken coop for five weeks and two days since he found it lying in Nazz's backyard at the pool party. Before then the quarter had been inside Nazz's pockets, but she had been given it by her Mother for babysitting Eddy that one time; and her mother had gotten it from the downtown super market from stall 659 which is also a grocery stall." Ed replied. There was a very hushed silence go over the crowd. Ed had never been to the super market; he'd always despised shopping. How could they find out if stall 659 was a grocery stall?

~*~

All the kids were making their own way towards the super market. Rolf was hiding on his pig's back, Nazz was in roller blades, Kevin on his bike with Jonny riding behind him. Ed was riding his old scooter with Double D clinging to his back for dear life and Eddy was wearing his brother's roller skates – too big for him, but he was managing by holding onto Ed's jacket. Eventually they came to a stop at the super market; they all tied their ways of getting there outside and hurried in.

"WAH." Ed covered his ears and tried to block his nose. The smells and sounds were tremendous! Cash registers, the smell of food, smell of money and smell of people shopping in different stores! Eddy dragged him along until they found Stall 659. Al's Grocery Stall.

"Wow. Now THAT is something." Kevin said, even though he knew who he was talking about.

"Rolf! How could you steal my quarter??" Nazz asked,

"Rolf discovered it on ground, it was separated from its herd so Rolf takes it in! Chickens keep it warm!" Rolf replied, folding his arms.

"HEY YOU KIDS, GET OUTTA HERE!" a burly voice rang out, "IF YER NOT BUYING, SCRAM!"

"He smells angry, and of cigarettes!" Ed declared as he was dragged by Eddy out of the super market.

~*~

Upon returning to the Cul-de-sac, Ed lifted his head and sniffed the air. All the kids stopped and stared at him, wondering what wondrous discoveries his nose would show them today. Turning around a few times, Ed finally stopped sniffing and held up his hand.

"The Kanker sisters have gotten a female dog." He said.

"AHH! ATTACK DOG!" shrieked Jimmy suddenly from around the corner. He ran around the corner, screaming hysterically and leapt over a fence and was gone. All the kids turned, and around the corner stalked a German Shepard. Pure white except a red mark across one of its eyes, and it was drooling savagely. It was attached to a leash, but what followed was scarier. The Kanker sisters.

"AHHH!" Double D shrieked and hid behind Ed, who just stood there staring at the dog. He… had never SEEN such a dog before; and it was so… beautiful? Was he really thinking that?

"Well well, look who we have here! Our boyfriends and their little playmates!" Lee smirked, holding onto the German Shepard's leash. Within an instant, all the other kids were gone; leaving the three Ed's. "Let me rephrase, our boyfriends!" Lee cackled. She waved at Eddy, "Hi love dove."

"Get lost Lee." Eddy snarled.

"Oh gee Eddy, I don't like it when you talk that way to me! It might… might make me weak…" Lee's hand thus released the chain. The dog, snarling viciously leapt forward barking madly. Eddy and Double D shrieked and ran off and up over a fence. But Ed didn't budge.

"ED! ED MOVE!!" Eddy screamed, "MOVE IT LUMPY!! MONOBROW! COME ON!!!"

The dog screeched to a halt in front of Ed, and stared up at it. It was here, Ed saw the dog had mix-matched eyes too. One blue, one red. The two stared into each other's eyes for a long time, and the dog's tail was wagging happily.

"What kind of attack dog is that?!" Marie snarled, storming up and grabbing the dog's leash, "C'mon Killer! We hafta re-teach you what to do around these guys!" she began pulling Killer away, who followed somewhat obediently but now and then glancing over her shoulder at Ed. Ed watched until the Kankers were gone, the still dreamy-faced look plastered all over himself.

"…Killer… what a beautiful name…!" Ed gushed be fore laughing to himself. Eddy and Double D slowly climbed over the fence and walked up to Ed.

"Ed… h-how'd you do that? I mean, you stopped that dog dead in its tracks!" Eddy still couldn't believe what he had seen. The dog obviously had thoughts on tearing into Ed like a bone; but it had stopped!

"His new found senses must have appealed to the canine!" Double D declared, "Ed! Do you realise what this means??"

"That I can talk to the animals, learn all their languages and maybe take an animal degree?" Ed asked.

"…no, it means that if you can stop a DOG that's about to attack once, you can do it again! Killer won't ever harm us again!" Eddy cried out, finishing Double D's observation; weather it be what Double D wanted to say or not.

"I guess so." Ed said quietly, "Uh, guys? I… I gotta go home now." Ed said, and without waiting to explain he took off back towards his home. He didn't stop when he heard the two call out, and he could certainly hear them saying to each other that it was a bit much for him to take in one day – and it was.

Ed was in love.

With a dog.

~*~

[To be continued, yet again!]