Snape out of it
By Flittermouse
Written as a diversion from the Snake and Frog fic, where I just left Filch slipping Hermione the tongue.
DISCLAIMER:
This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books,
Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
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Severus Snape was a cruel dude who lived in Hogwarts'the dungeons. He lived in the dungeon because he liked the chains and stones and torches and…
Did I mention the chains?
The chains were cool and added a lot to being a nasty piece of teacher hood. They were also very good for hoisting the motor out of your 1961 E type; a fancy British car that the likes of John Steed may have driven if he in fact existed. The kind of car Snape for example - may have – accidentally driven down into the dungeons one day after he had imbibed one too many at Madam Rosemerta's after a three day Dumbledore sponsored bender. As a result (all theoretical you understand) the Potions Master could have - perhaps - broken the axle on said black E type Jag on the third step of the lower floor, right outside the back door of Filch's closet, leaving a very nasty scrap and an ever expanding oil slick…
Anyway, that was all maybe… but somehow the black Jaguar had ended up down there, in the dungeons, not that Severus Snape would 'have possibly known' or admitted to any such carelessness. When asked he blamed the gypsies or the wind or suddenly had to consult an AA map to find out where Voldemort's next exposition on the finer features of world domination was located. It was better that way. No. No indeed, no idea how his car ended up pirouetting on a medieval torture device that Filch had just loving restored, in fact he looked suitably shocked when the caretaker came up to him teary eyed and holding a few bent bits of metal. No idea, no afraid not, none whatsoever.
You see Snape spent most of his days flouncing around like a drag queen with a gender identity crisis, flapping his cape and making faces like Margaret Thatcher in the face of a welfare state, but hey, it was Snape and he was allowed to be an overly dramatic prat. It was the hair, they say or the noxious potions or perhaps the panicked look when someone mentioned not being able to find reverse.
Snape was so cruel all the girls thought he was dead sexy. In fact some thought of him as so 'dead sexy' he was 'the cat's whiskers'; not Mrs Norris' whiskers you understand. No one in their right mind would compare that demented cat's whiskers to the illustrious swanky body of Snape - except for Filch - and we ain't going there... Yet. No, Severus Snape was more 'a good cat whiskers' like Crookshanks, who was part Kneazle so didn't really count as feline and also happened to be neutered, which didn't bare thinking about, but hey, we need a comparison and Snape was like Crookshanks 'whiskers' if he was anything at all. So it was that Snape - like most 'dead sexy' blokes, wore black. Not by choice, he was never a James Dean type, in fact his robes were a pristine white once, but do you know how oil is in the crankcase of a 1961 Jaguar? Besides Snape sort of liked the black; it hid the oil and grease stains and the smell was incredibly addictive… just ask Hermione Granger.
Hermione Granger, newly appointed Head Girl and all round good sport.
Did I mention that Hermione did a night-class in car maintenance over the summer? Well, of course she did. Two evenings a week bent over a hot and purring engine. She learnt the right way to ream a piston, the proper way to oil a shaft and most importantly how to countersink and pound a good screw… She picked up a fair amount about car engines too.
So it was that during one hot and smothering seventh year potions class, Snape noticed the state of the Head Girl's nails, thus prompting him to ask:
"Miss Granger? Is that grease? What have you been doing?"
"I inherited my parents' Morris minivan and spent the summer learning how to maintain it. It runs like clockwork now."
"You took a course in car maintenance?" Snape's eyes suddenly glittered like one possessed. Unnerved Harry and Ron edged away from Hermione, not liking the particularly queer look in the Potions Master eye. Not that he always had a queer look, but this one was particularly perverted…
Hermione lifted her chin and bravely nodded expecting a sharp retort from him about useless Muggle devices.
"Engine maintenance?" Snape unexpectedly asked, his hands clenching on the bench top in agitation.
Gulping, Hermione nodded again and out the periphery of her vision saw Neville slip off his seat, slide Trevor into his pocket and tiptoe to the row behind.
Barely suppressing his enthusiasm Snape swept away, keeping his voice purposefully low and even. "Detention tonight Miss Granger."
"Excuse me? What for?" She demanded.
He smirked at her. No it would not do to say I'm polishing my head tonight would you care to watch? "For contaminating your potion." He waved at her hands thinking fast. "Simple hygiene is paramount in potion making, let that be a lesson to you all."
Class finished soon after and a still smarting Hermione departed. "Oh Miss Granger, detention tonight?" Snape's voice caught her in the hall. "Bring a change of clothes."
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tbc……