* "Darn it, darn it all!" ~The Problem

I'd been having a rather pleasant dream (and no, I'm not going to tell you about it) so to wake up to the squeaks of a rat and smell of decaying flesh was a bit of a shock. Beside me was what I could only assume was Anck-su-namun's mummified boyfriend, and my hands and feet were shackled to what unfortunately appeared to a sacrificial altar. Darn my luck.

Anck-su-namun appeared then, restored to full power and looking like she was loving it. She shouted some gobbledygook (hey, I was about to sacrificed, I wasn't thinking about translation!) and raised a knife over me, preparing to...

At that moment I heard Jonathan's voice, shouting that he'd found the Book of Amun-Ra. I put aside my professional jealousy (why did I have to be the one tied to the table?) and yelled back, "Who cares?! Just get me off of here!"

Okay, so I wasn't really thinking about archaeological discoveries right then, either. Luckily, Anck-su-namun was sufficiently interested in the Book of Amun-Ra to abandon me and go after Jonathan. Evelyn appeared soon after wielding a very heavy sword (it was a wonder she could lift it), freeing me from the sacrificial table.

"Thanks," I muttered, but she wasn't paying attention.

"Thank me later," Evelyn said, and proceeded to chop a mummy's head off.

Be still my heart.

Anyway, Evelyn was rather busy with the legion of soldier-like mummies, as was Ardina. I spotted her in a corner of the tomb, slashing at various undead things. She, too, seemed to be doing all right by herself, so I didn't feel the need to rush over and defend her.

"Hey," I said to Jonathan, "how did you all get past the mummies to get the book? Shouldn't Ardina have sacrificed herself to save the rest of you, or something?"

"Of course not!" cried Ardina as she stabbed at a mummy. "Honestly, what good would that do? That's such a male perspective!"

I would have defended my gender, but my attention was drawn back to the Evelyn. Anck-su-namun had noticed her by now and decided that a death-match was in order. Evelyn could defend herself but Anck-su-namun looked as though she were driven by pure rage at this point.

"We have to help her!" I cried to Jonathan, seizing the Book from him. "What do we say?"

"You're asking me?" Jonathan shrieked. "I haven't spoken ancient Egyptian since the sixth grade!"

I scanned the pages frantically, certain I wouldn't recognize the passage if it jumped off the page and smacked me in the nose. But suddenly there it was, crisp and clear, and I looked up in time to see Evelyn thrown across the room again.

"Kadeesh mal kadeesh mal!" I yelled. "Parad oos parad oos!"

Anck-su-namun's mouth fell open in shock, and she called me something very unflattering. Then a blue light enveloped her and she stumbled, plunging headfirst into a gooey pool of muck. We could hear her screams long after the blackness had swallowed her.

Before anybody moved, a rumbling nearly knocked us to our feet again. "Let's go!" said Evelyn, miraculously on her feet again. "Hurry up!"

The four of us followed instructions, sprinting as fast as one can on sand, out of the tomb and into the sunlight, escaping the reaches of the compound just as it came crashing to earth. We watched the sand show for a while, until Ardina cleared her throat.

"Thank you," she said to us, then snapped her fingers, drawing an obedient camel to her side. "I guess I'll see you." She scaled the camel, clucked her tongue, and rode off into the horizon.

"Err...right," said Jonathan. "Just leaving us in the middle of bloody nowhere!!! Perfect!!!"

Evelyn looked to me, waiting for something. This was it! This was my moment! I opened my mouth to speak... "So......thanks, then."

Evelyn looked as though this had struck her speechless, but she recovered soon enough. "Right," she said, and swung herself up onto a camel. "Let's go."

Jonathan and I chose camels and followed his sister into the desert. Evelyn stayed ahead of us, which gave me plenty of opportunity to rehearse speeches in my head. Speeches about what, you ask?

I loved her. That was pretty much the gist. I just couldn't get my voice to coincide with the words in my heart and head.