Choosing To Not
---
Kai isn't in love. That's a fact he's certain of, and that's the way he's going to keep it.
This conviction makes his current relationship - if you could even refer to it as such - fairly unorthodox. He's attracted to Rei, and he respects him, and yes he even likes him (likes him a lot, Kai can admit inside the confines of his own head) but it's not going to go any further than that.
Spending time around Rei is easy, because he's laid-back and he understands that sometimes it's okay to be quiet; this is in complete contrast to their other teammates, who see silence as a challenge - a hole to be filled with random chatter. Rei seems to know when Kai would rather be quiet, or be left alone entirely, and in his independent, tigerish way he has no problem with this. He's not the sort to let his world revolve around someone else.
Kai isn't in love. That's a fact he sticks to like a limpet to a rock, and that's the way he's determined to keep it.
Rei agrees, too, with maintaining a public face; when they're with people they're teammates and nothing more. It's different in private, of course, and Kai has to admit that he enjoys the time they spend alone together. Looks forward to it, in fact.
Sometimes he has to wonder if it was a good idea to start this relationship - if you could call it that - in the first place. They're teammates after all, and supposedly professional beybladers. But, he reasons, he couldn't exactly pretend he wasn't attracted to Rei, could he? Denial is pointless and Kai's a pragmatist at heart. And as long as it doesn't go too far, where's the harm?
Of course, Kai has to ensure that it doesn't go too far. He's never before let himself be either led or driven by his emotions, and he's not going to start now. Maintaining a certain distance is just a matter of resolve, which is something he has in abundance.
Kai isn't in love. That's not denial, it's determination. He's a champion beyblader, a world-class competitor, and he's not about to let himself be subjugated by what are, after all, just a bunch of unruly hormones. He won't be ruled by his brain chemistry.
It's crossed his mind to wonder how Rei feels about him. It's not exactly the sort of subject either of them would bring up in casual conversation, but he can't help thinking about it sometimes. The other boy never clings to him or shows any signs of being overly attached - he's far too self-sufficient for that. Then again, Rei cheerfully accepts his reticence and his need for solitude, and is always there when Kai wants him to be. That sort of patience and understanding is something Kai's never been on the receiving end of before; it's confusing.
Part of him considers just asking Rei how he feels, but he has no idea what he'd do with the answer; and besides, that would leave him open to awkward questions in return.
Kai is not in love, because he chooses to not be. Sometimes he feels this knowledge running through his fingers like sand; uncertainty bleeds into his soul, and he has to take a firm grip on himself, reminding himself of exactly who and what he is. He's Kai Hiwatari - strong-willed, steadfast and in control of himself.
And he isn't in love.