I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

-from "Song of the Open Road" by Walt Whitman

* * *

5am:

~Alright, Dr. J, I'm waiting.~

Heero realized then that he hadn't spoken with his voice.

~Why isn't my body working?~

He felt no particular concern for his body, useless lump of flesh that it now was in spite of Duo's
attempts, hunched over him with his hands on his shoulders, to stir it into action. Duo had been
terrified before, when Dr. J had taken over Heero's body, but seeing Heero like this --- unmoving,
unspeaking, and to all his perceptions unthinking as well --- was just as bad, if not worse.

"HEERO!!" he was yelling as loud as he could, blasting Heero's eardrums with head-splitting
decibels. "CAN YOU HEAR ME??"

"I'm right here, you don't have to shout," Heero tried saying, but nothing came out of his mouth. ~Dr.
J, why can't I talk to him?~

Because I need your attention to be fully here, Dr. J said. Without distractions.

Suddenly, Heero found he had no concern for Duo nor his anxiety, either. What remained of his mind
was the coldly analytical, self-contained person that Dr. J had taught him to be.

Listen carefully, Heero. Dr. J began. This is the very last time this program will run before it
shuts down completely and leaves you to your emotions.

Heero couldn't fathom 'Dr. J' 's change in attitude. ~Are you still trying to make me kill him?~

No, I'm trying to make you understand what's happening.

~I'm assuming something went wrong with my control program. Can the subroutine breakdown be
fixed?~

Fixed? Dr. J sounded astonished. Of all the things to say. Of course it can't be fixed. You've
fried it, boy, absolutely cooked it. That program will never run again.

~I don't understand. I thought _you_ were that program.~

Me? No, I'm a logic bomb. Dr. J was hoping that you might live after the war, so he put me into
your implant to help free your mind from the device.

~So you're what happened. You're the reason my mind's been screwed up lately.~

No, actually, _you're_ the reason your mind's been acting so flaky. Duo Maxwell's the reason. The
war is the reason. The sand castle is the reason. Don't blame me. I'm just a logic bomb. I was only
programmed to attack the device, not your mind.

~But you said just now that I'M the one who wrecked it.~

And so you did. Dr. J sounded very amused. It wouldn't be much of a control program if it
just let you have your own way without putting up a fight, would it? In other words, Heero, I couldn't
fight your fight for you.

~But. . . but. . . ~ Heero was confused, moreso than at any other time in his life. Strangely enough,
however, he felt no concern over his confusion. ~How can you be telling me all this if you're just a
logic bomb?

Because I'm a very complex logic bomb. I hold subroutines patterned after most of Dr. J's
memory ingrams. I don't just help destroy obsolete programs --- I'm also programmed to advise.

~I don't understand this at all. It's very illogical.~

. . .

~Okay, I get it. You're a logic BOMB.~

The Tiny Voice of Reason speaks! Dr. J (or rather, his program) sounded very pleased.
That's absolutely correct, Heero. An excellent display of lateral thinking. I'm a program based on
the illogical, and everything else that is so wonderfully human. And the only thing that really matters
at this point is that you're free of the device. It would be illogical, not to mention impractical, to
wonder how or why.

~Does that mean I shouldn't ask?

Of course not. The heart has a logic all its own.

~So how would you advise me?~

Heero became aware that drops of moisture were hitting his hand.

Your friend is crying for you.

~For me?~ Duo had picked him up off the beach and was half-carrying him, half-dragging him on
one arm back toward the plane. Heero turned his head (it seemed to be working again) to look at
Duo's face and saw that he was indeed crying, and that a steady stream of water was running down
his cheek and hitting the back of Heero's hand.

"You're still with me, Heero?" Duo asked, looking down at him fondly. He wiped his eyes with the
back of his other hand and sniffed quietly. "Don't worry, you'll be okay. I'll get you back to Quatre
and then maybe his doctors can do something for you."

He doesn't sound very sure of himself, does he? commented Dr. J

~He'll wear himself out worrying about me. I don't want him doing that. I should leave.~

Don't you think that'll hurt him even more?

~I was prepared to kill him if his God of Death personality showed up again.~

Yes, but you didn't.

~I couldn't. That's why my controller went berserk the way it did.~

And yet, he was the one who went to save you, in spite of the fact that you WEREN'T REALLY
THERE.

~It could have killed him. . . I felt so lost after it went nonfunctional. _I_ could have killed him.~

Don't you think he knew that?

~For all he knows, I could throttle him right now.~

Yes, but here he is, carrying your dead weight back to the plane on one arm, leaving himself unprotected. He trusts you.

~He's a fool.~

It's the fools of the world who do God's work, Heero. Consider yourself lucky to have such a fool
for a friend. And a strong one at that.

~Strong?~ Heero had always thought of Duo as a weak person, somebody who needed protecting,
but what Dr. J had said just now was setting his mind down pathways previously unsuspected.

He's a rock. said Dr. J, simply.

Heero turned his head to look at Duo's face again. Duo's mouth was set in a grim line, and the strain
on his body was visible by the knotted cords around his neck and the deep crevices on each side of
his mouth.

~Can he teach me how to handle my emotions?~

No, not as long as his program is running.

~HIS program?~

He has too much anger for him to deal with. Professor G recognized this and implanted a
series of hypnotic suggestions that suppreses it to a great extent. It's a brilliantly crafted design, one
that works better than a pill. However, like a pill, it only treats symptoms. The underlying cause, or
the disease, if you want to call it that, is still festering. Someday he'll have to confront his demons.

~Why can't his program just keep working as it is?~

Dr. J's voice was compassionate. Even the strongest dam can hold only so much water before it
breaks, Heero. The program will eventually fail, like yours. Then the battle will begin. He might be
able to choose the battlefield, but he won't be able to avoid the battle.

~So what should I do?~

You should stay by his side, as he is staying by yours. Be his conscience when his time comes.
He'll forgive you it, I'm sure. And as for him: just let him be your friend. He wants it, and you
deserve it.

~Is that supposed to be a compliment?~ Heero asked sarcastically.

Whoops, I think my time here is running out. said Dr. J. Brace yourself, boy, here comes
the flood.

~Dr. J?~

No answer.

"Dr. J?"

* * *

tbc. . .

Next chapter: Epilogue (and since it is the epilogue, it might be a while in coming). Please give me your opinion of this one.