I woke up to the smell of Strawberry Ying-yang. A candle I had bought ages ago, before dating Eric. I looked around the room, my eyes falling on the window. It was cloudy and stormy, meaning rain. It was Saturday, so no school for Connor, and no work for Eric. Good.
I rolled over to see the bathroom door a bit open. Eric must have lit the candle this morning. It was in the bathroom for when we had our intimate bath time. Mainly when the kids were at Kitty's. Though Eric would never admit it, he loved the scent of strawberries, with the hint of some herbal Ying-yang.
Actually, it was nice to wake up to the soft scent. I looked to the bottom of the close bedroom door to see the hall light on. Meaning everyone but me was functioning. I looked to the side and saw the clock read eight thirty. I stretched a bit and snuggled more with the blankets.
It's not like I didn't wake up early. I was usually up with Eric's alarm clock. It's just it was a rainy Saturday. Which I was happy with. I love rain, the way the house warms up, how the kitchen smells like rain, and how the office has a refreshing, cool feel to it. All and all the house gets cozy and warm on days like this.
The bed began to creak as I moved to the edge. I rolled out of the bed and placed Eric's U.W. sweatshirt on over my tank top, and flannel pants. I put on my thick socks and walked out of my cozy bedroom.
I entered the kitchen to see my baby girl in her highchair, playing with a spoon in one hand and holding her bottle in another. She had turned one last week, and began transforming before my eyes. She was starting to stand up on her own, and even took her first step a few nights ago. She fell, and cried a good portion of a two hour spanned, but it was progress.
Connor was eating a bagel with some cream cheese. He was turning seven next month, meaning we would be seeing Donna for the annual twin Birthday bash. We would meet on neutral ground, and have a big birthday bash with family and friends we bought along.
I looked around and saw Eric, his back to me, at the island, making something. I walked over and began hugging his waist. He was about a foot taller then me, so it was easy to grab on to him.
"Hey gorgeous." He smiled turning around to kiss me. Connor made a gagging noise, and Lacy giggled. We looked at them and then turned back to the island.
"What are you doing?" I asked, leaning on my arm.
"Cross word." Oh… he wasn't making me a fabulous breakfast… that's ok. "Your breakfast is in the microwave."
I smiled up at hi. Sometimes it was like he could read my thoughts. "Great."
I grabbed the plate of eggs and toast and went to the kitchen table. Connor was now reading the comic section of the newspaper. Eric was sitting across from me, and I had pulled Lacy's chair closer to me so I could give her some eggs.
"The kids and I were thinking about going to mom's for the weekend."
"Meaning Kitty called and doesn't want to be left with grumpy old Red without a-l-c-o-h-o-l." I smiled, spelling out alcohol, because of the kids. I loved both Kitty and Red as if they were my own parents.
Eric chuckled and nodded. "That's exactly it."
"Well… I think I'll stay home and clean the house, and do some work. I'll come over tomorrow with a cab and have dinner with you guys." I smiled. Eric nodded.
"If that's what you want." I laughed.
"It's not what I want, but I need to clean and do laundry."
"Ok." He smiled and got up. He kissed my head. "You'll be dearly missed." He then picked up Lacy and began to head upstairs. I looked over to see Connor smiling at me widely.
"Hi Mommy." He said sweetly. I looked at him and smiled.
"If I go shopping I will buy you the new video game." His face lit up like a Christmas tree. He jumped off his seat and hugged me.
"You are the best mother ever!" He laughed and then ran to tell his father most likely.
That was another thing I would have to deal with Donna getting jealous about Connor and the 'mommy' thing.
Sometimes, I wondered why I bothered so much. It was all for Eric, he had to see Nathan. And we both put Donna to the back of our minds.
It's just sometimes… it feels like it wasn't fate's idea for us…
"You're not eating." Eric said playfully. Jackie smiled, and shrugged, continuing to push the peas on her plate around.
"I don't know." She answered gracefully. "Do you think we're doing the right thing?"
"I told you… we can hire the band if you really don't want the DJ." Eric said.
"No, no. I mean, getting married."
"Jackie, we've been dating each other for a year—"
"You just got divorced."
"Three years ago…" Eric said.
"I don't know."
"Jackie…" He sighed and moved his chair to next to her. "I love you. Donna is and always will be my ex-wife, and mother of my children. But I don't love her, not like I use to, not like I've ever loved you. Ok?"
"Ok." Jackie whispered. Eric grabbed her face and pulled her in for a soft kiss.
"I love you."
"I love you too." She smiled and kissed him.
I finished cleaning the kitchen and living room. And the day wasn't nearly over. I went to the kitchen to get a sandwich and some tea. When the door bell rang.
I opened the door and saw Steven standing there. Soaked.
"Steven?" I asked, opening the door wider for him. "I'll get you a towel."
After about twenty minutes I got him a pair of Eric's sweats and a tee-shirt. I put his jeans and black turtleneck in the dryer.
"Hi Jackie." He said, as we made our way to the living room.
"Hi." I said. He sat down and looked at me.
"I just came over to say Hi and see the kids." I nodded. I was a little confused, he still hadn't left town? "My boss wants me to stay another few days." Oh look, another mind reader.
"That's cool."
"Hey Jackie…"
"Yeah?"
"Did… do you… ever think about the what ifs?" Hyde asked nervously. I looked at him.
"The what ifs?" I asked, knowing exactly what he meant.
"You know… if I—"
"Hadn't ran away?" I finished. He nodded. I looked at him. Of course I think about the what ifs, all the time…
"So… you're leaving…" Jackie said softly. Hyde continued to put things in the single box.
"Jackie… I need to get away. I mean… it's time." Hyde said, not looking at her.
"Steven… look at me." She begged.
"Jacks, if I look at you I'll want to stay. I won't be able to let you go. I can't look at you."
"Steven." Jackie said, her eyes burning with the unshed tears. "Please."
Hyde took a deep breath and turned around. Jackie looked at him and in a flash was in his arms.
"Jackie."
"Shut up Steven." Jackie said, holding him tighter.
"Jackie, come on, listen to yourself…"
"If I listened to myself, I would do less stupid things… where's the fun in that?" Jackie laughed through the tears. Hyde just stroked her head.
"Jackie, I love you… and I always will."
"I love you too." Jackie said, clutching Hyde tighter. But he didn't mind.
I looked at him and leaned back. "Did you really mean forever?"
He looked up a bit and met my eyes. "Yes… I meant forever."
"Then why… how… you…" I was lost for words. I love Eric, I really did. But there was so much left with Steven.
"Jackie, I didn't come here to ruin your life, to steal you way from your kids, or from Eric. I wanted to see you. One last time."
"One… last time?" I asked slowly.
"Jackie, me and you are not like Eric and Donna. We have no obligations to each other. There's no point to come and visit each other, just to bring back old feelings, that both of us buried long ago." I looked at him. The comment about not having any obligations stood out in my head.
"He would have been eleven." I choked out. Hyde's body tensed up. He hadn't talked about the miscarriage. It was hurtful.
"Jack—"
"He would have been eleven… in two months." I cut him off. Hyde looked at me.
"I know he would have." He gave up in resignation.
"Why… why did you… suddenly…?"
"I was hurt Jackie. I loved you, but I loved him too. And when… when…"
"I lost him."
"When he was lost…" Hyde said looking up at me. "I don't know. Part of me got… lost… as well. I needed time to sort things out. Our relationship took a turn for the worse. And then… I just had to leave. I had to get away from the memories." Hyde finished looking at Jackie.
"I was hurt too Steven." I said. He nodded.
"Yeah Jackie… I know."
"I didn't run away though."
"I know."
"I loved you!" I said. I was angry.
"I love you too. But, we shouldn't have to put ourselves through hurtful memories."
"It's not fair." I said, tears beginning to fall down my face.
"Maybe, maybe we were supposed to go our separate ways Jackie." Hyde said. "I just… I'm glad I got to see you, and I'm so happy, that you found happiness." He got up and left a fleeting kiss on my lips, nothing intimate, or even un-intimate. It was just there. And for a moment… it was everything I need.
I walked him to the door.
"Good Bye… Jackers." He smiled. His clothes in his hand.
"See you in another ten years." I said. He smirked a bit.
"Your husband has my number… if you ever need me… to talk to me, I mean…"
"You'll be the first one I call." I smiled as he got in his pick-up truck and began to drive off, waving to me, like so many years ago.
"Jackie?" She looked up to be met with the friendly eyes of her now ex-boyfriend's best friend.
"Eric, go away." She said, sitting on the steps of the dormitories. Eric sat down next to her.
"I came to say bye, did I miss him?"
"Yep, he just drove off, waving." Jackie said, the tears flowing down her face, faster.
"Jackie…" She flung her face into Eric's shoulder. "This isn't awkward at all."
"He just left. Like it was no big deal at all."
"He was hurt Jackie. He loved you more then life itself." Eric tried to soothe.
"Then why did he leave?" Jackie sobbed.
"Because… he loved you more then life itself."
This time… I couldn't go running into Eric's arms. I couldn't even run into my own.
**
It took me the rest of the afternoon to finish cleaning and doing the majority of the laundry. I was wiped out by seven. As I was about to head up the stairs, the doorbell rung. A little part of me hoped it was Hyde, and another bigger part hoped it was Eric. Nothing could prepare me for who it was.
"Hey Jackie." I stood and looked at the person. And took a deep breath.
"Hi Donna."
"Hey Donna." Jackie smiled letting her old friend in the small dorm.
"Hey!" Donna smiled and walked in. She went over to the pink bed and sat down.
"Are we going shopping?" Jackie put her hand over her stomach. "Junior here is gonna need a lot of stuff."
"Of course we're going shopping for my future god-son!" Donna smiled patting Jackie's stomach.
"Steven said he wants manly stuff, nothing to pansy." Jackie smiled.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll take what he gets." Donna smiled.
"I'm really… I'm really glad you're here Donna." Jackie smiled, sitting next to Donna.
"It's no problem, I took the Vista Cruiser and—"
"No, I meant here as in, support." Jackie smiled. Donna smiled and patted Jackie's shoulder.
"Anytime Jackie. I'm literally a phone call away."
I placed the cup of coffee in front of her. And then sat across from her.
"I didn't know he wouldn't be home." Donna said, sipping her coffee.
"If you want me to tell him anything, I can." I said, looking at the hot cup.
"No, no… I guess I'll call Kitty's tomorrow." Donna said.
"Where's Nathan?" I asked. She looked up.
"He's with my… friend… Justin… in Buffalo." She said unsurely. I nodded my head.
"You have a boyfriend?"
"I… no… Justin is really, just a friend." Donna said, smiling.
"Ah, ok." I said, still not really believing her.
"What happened between us?" She asked. I looked at her.
"I don't know." I said.
"I'm not mad that you married Eric." I looked at her.
"Well, good Donna, because you're the one that divorced him, you're the one that left; you really can't blame me for marrying him."
"I know that." Donna said. I looked at her. I saw the wall that we had built so many years ago. And that wall, that was the reason we weren't friends.
"I think… I think it's time you go." I said after a few seconds. She nodded her head and gave a small smile.
We both walked to the door.
"Jackie…" She said as she left the house. "I'm sorry."
"Me too Donna. Me too." I whispered. She smiled and went to her car. I shut the door and leaned against it. I was sorry… that we let our lives pan out like this…
"Hey Jackie." Eric said opening the door for the tiny woman.
"Is Donna here?" Jackie asked coming in. Eric nodded.
"Donna, company." Donna walked out of the kitchen, slightly glaring at Eric. "I guess I'll go in the bedroom and be a lazy slob." Eric said, walking into the bedroom.
Jackie watched with curious eyes at the communication between Donna and Eric.
"What's wrong Jackie?" Donna asked, in an aggravated voice.
"I… you haven't returned any of my phone calls." Jackie said, placing her purse down on the sofa. "I was wondering if you wanted to go shopping, or get some coffee…"
"Jackie, if you haven't looked around recently, I'm swapped. I have to mange a house, go to work, and deal with a husband. I can't live your frivolous life anymore." Donna said. Jackie looked at the taller girl.
"Donna, I know I don't have a job yet, and that I'm not married, but I have a chaotic life myself. I still remember to break though."
"Jackie… you don't know anything about chaotic ness. You have a maid. If you don't mind." Donna looked at her old friend, and went back into the kitchen.
Eric shook his head as Jackie picked up her purse.
"Do you really want to get coffee? I'll buy."
"Thanks Eric." Jackie smiled. Eric grabbed his coat and walked behind Jackie, looking into the apartment and shaking his head.
That was the last time I heard from or even saw Eric and Donna till four years ago.
**
"Mommy!" Connor ran up and I caught him effortlessly. I hugged him tightly and then placed him down.
"I got you the game." I smiled. He hug me one more time and then with a brilliant smile raced away to the living room.
"Hey Baby." Eric smiled. I smiled back. Lacy put out her arms and I took her and hugged her tightly too. It felt so good to have them in my arms.
Kitty ran up and kissed my cheek.
"Come on my little angel, let mommy and daddy have their time." She did her quirky laugh and then took Lacy inside.
Eric smiled down at me. I looked at him and captured him in a death defining kiss. I needed him more then anything right now. When we parted Eric looked down at me.
"God… we should be separated more often." I playfully hit him.
"Don't even joke about it." I laughed a bit. And then hugged him tightly.
"Jackie, what's wrong?" He asked as he hugged me back. "It was only a day and a half.
"I just… I just want to be in your arms right now."
"Ok." He said, hugging me.
After a few minutes he let his grip loosen around me.
"Donna called me. She's going away to Virginia with her friend Justin. She wanted to know if we could watch Nathan." Eric smiled down at me. I looked at him and nodded.
"Yeah, that sounds great." I said, letting my head rest on his chest.
"Jackie… you are not ok. What's wrong?" He asked again. I closed my eyes and tightened my grip.
"Nothing. I just need you." And that was it. He didn't say anything else. We just stood in the drive way. Me, holding on for dear life.
Tomorrow I would tell him about Steven and about Donna…
There's always tomorrow…