Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts belongs to Square-Enix and Disney.
Shounen ai - RikuxSora
Trauma
by Sakura Blackwolf
---------------------
When did it happen? When did I first start resenting the person I call a father?
When I was the age of six, the same age I was when mother came back from her two-year vacation. I thought I would be happy. I thought that since mother was here again, we could be happy. Father always used to blame me for her leaving, but I remember her saying she needed some air. Even though I was only four, I could hear those words ringing through my head. She said it was too restricting in the house, and then she was gone. Father was not happy at all, and took it out on me. He would hit me, and sometimes even starve me. He would come home drunk every night, and I would just be sitting there confused.
I didn't say a thing to mother. I didn't want to die. He threatened my life.
It was after my 6th birthday I grew utterly scared of him. I was going to go to Riku's house to play with the new action figure he had bought for me. At the door was when my father stopped my steps. Mother was out to work, so we were alone. He hauled me up and took me into his and mother's bedroom. Even when he tore those small clothes off my body, I could not let go of my gift from Riku until father broke it himself.
I remember I kept staring at the action figure's detached head, lying not far from it's dismembered body. I remember looking at the happy smile that was carefully carved into the broken plastic. Riku told me it reminded him of me. So I smiled too. I liked thinking of Riku, even when there was pain coursing through my body. It helped distract me from what my father was doing to me. All that pain.
He never stopped.
On random nights, or even days when he was drunk and mother wasn't around, he would lead me into that room. Push me onto the soft covers and mattress and just take off anything that was worn below my waist. I could never get used to the pain. I always ended up clutching the crown pendant I had yet again received from my dear friend, breaking into hot sobs. I was slapped for crying. Though sometimes the tears were left to soak into the pillows, dried by the time mother got back. It never mattered anyway. Tears were tears compared to pain.
I never said anything to anyone.
Not to Riku, not to Kairi, not to a single soul. It hurt to keep this within my heart. But even so, I went through my days, smiling. Whenever I met up with Riku, I knew I could be free. I could be myself.
When did it happen? When did I start liking Riku..as more than a friend?
But it isn't meant to be. He's a guy. If it meant keeping him away from all the ridicule he could get, I'll keep that secret with me. I'm so silly. Most people would worry about what people think about themselves. I just can't bring myself to care. I've been degraded so many times, it is a silent echo in my ears. But Riku would not accept my love. I think he likes Kairi anyway. So knowing this painful truth, I forced myself to stop loving him. His rare, yet sweet smile. The way his eyes seemed to glow, even in broad daylight, against his pale skin.
I couldn't stop loving him.
At nights, I would cry knowing this. The only way I can be close to him is with the pendant he gave me. The one thing my father cannot break, because it is made of steel. My father is not that strong, and ends up cutting himself whenever he does try. Of course, it only means the torture lasts longer, but I see no difference anymore. But despite the fact all my days seem gray, I'll keep on smiling.
It makes Riku happy.
He smiles when I smile. I want him to smile. I know he's had problems with both his parents, so I want him to be happy. Whenever I grin at him, he would chuckle and look the other way. It made me glad, seeing him like that. My paradise. I always stayed out as late as I could to avoid my father, but Riku would stick by my side. He said he didn't care if his mother scolded him, or if his father threw a fit. He just wanted to keep me company.
I was happy. So happy I wanted to cry. I love him. I love him so much that I could die. I just want to stay with him. Always. But it's the twilight that separates us to go home. Slowly, I have to let go of his hand. He says he'll see me tomorrow and turns his back on me. I stand there until my whole body is chilled to the bone. Like today for instance. Even though he was out of sight, I could see him turning the other way still. If only my legs would move. Just an inch.
They did, just in the wrong direction.
I opened the door and took off my jacket. Carelessly I trudged up the stairs to my room, until a pair of familiar arms wrapped around me. My father's rugged face rubs against mine, and I am lifted into the air, legs dangling. My shorts were removed quickly as I was thrown right there, just on the stairs. The shock of hitting solid steps burst through my back.
And it's the same as always. He kisses my lips while unzipping his pants. And I'm dreaming while he's thrusting. I'm thinking of a silver-haired boy, whose face I could not see, while my father is panting out his drunken passions. Riku's there, standing on pure water, just out of reach. My father grabbed my crown pendant again. It was useless, wasn't it? It was from Riku, so it can't be taken away. So he bleeds in his hand again, grunting in frustration. He tells me in my ear that he loves me very much and can't let me go. I look away.
The action figure I had received from my friend had been in the trash can right there in the kitchen. I remember I tried to find something of it in there. I found only pieces of disgusting paper and had to take a long bath afterward. My father helped with that too.
He's kissing me again, but I'm feeling nothing.
I should report him. I should tell somebody about it. But I don't want to die. If I die, I can't see Riku. My father knows about my love for Riku. He gets very angry when I go out to talk to other people. Even if it's my mother. He just wants me here, in his arms. Like a doll kept on a shelf, staring lifelessly. I want to say something. I want to tell Riku how much I hate my father. I hate him. I wish he would go away. I don't want to see him anymore. He's disgusting and vile and I despise him.
But even so, he's 'still' my father.
He's done with what he wanted to do, but he's still trying to break my pendant. I slightly roll my eyes as he struggles with the chain. He can't break it. It was from Riku.
But he does, and I feel suddenly empty inside.
"Ha. Finally." He flings it to the side, and I want to jump after it except for the fact I feel boneless. He gathers me close to him, pressing kisses to my forehead.
"Yes, you will always love your father, won't you?" I can't answer, but he doesn't care. I'm left alone on the stairs, with my shorts pulled down to my ankles. I'm left staring at my broken necklace on the floor below me. My fingers twitch, but I can't move.
Riku.
How long was I laying there? My mind was completely blank. It should've frightened me, but it didn't. I laid there all night, half-naked. My mother did not come home at all. She probably was working extra. It was cold, but I didn't move at all.
I wanted to see Riku.
When it was morning, my motions were out of routine. I pulled up my shorts and went out to my boat. The crown was clutched loosely in my hands. Riku could fix this. He could, because he was perfect. He would reassure me with his smile. He would help me be me again.Knowing this, I collapsed into the wooden interior and set off. I was going no where. I couldn't sit up. I couldn't pick up my oar. I just wanted to lay here, in this boat.
How could he?
Why am I still thinking of it? It was hours ago. My father broke everything I got from anyone. This was no different.
I thought this one would live forever.
Riku. He would help me. He was my best friend.
But what if he hates me? Thinking about it, telling somebody you had been sleeping with your father every night makes you come off as a normal whore doesn't it. I shouldn't say anything. Besides, I'll be killed. I don't want to die. Besides, he likes Kairi.
I was drifting somewhere. I didn't know this place anymore. I didn't know anything. The figurine and the pendant that all earned a place in my heart were all taken away from me. Ripped apart. Riku, sorry I got it damaged again. I'm just so silly.
"Sora!"
Gently, I was smiling.
---------------------
I was totally rambling here...
Shounen ai - RikuxSora
Trauma
by Sakura Blackwolf
---------------------
When did it happen? When did I first start resenting the person I call a father?
When I was the age of six, the same age I was when mother came back from her two-year vacation. I thought I would be happy. I thought that since mother was here again, we could be happy. Father always used to blame me for her leaving, but I remember her saying she needed some air. Even though I was only four, I could hear those words ringing through my head. She said it was too restricting in the house, and then she was gone. Father was not happy at all, and took it out on me. He would hit me, and sometimes even starve me. He would come home drunk every night, and I would just be sitting there confused.
I didn't say a thing to mother. I didn't want to die. He threatened my life.
It was after my 6th birthday I grew utterly scared of him. I was going to go to Riku's house to play with the new action figure he had bought for me. At the door was when my father stopped my steps. Mother was out to work, so we were alone. He hauled me up and took me into his and mother's bedroom. Even when he tore those small clothes off my body, I could not let go of my gift from Riku until father broke it himself.
I remember I kept staring at the action figure's detached head, lying not far from it's dismembered body. I remember looking at the happy smile that was carefully carved into the broken plastic. Riku told me it reminded him of me. So I smiled too. I liked thinking of Riku, even when there was pain coursing through my body. It helped distract me from what my father was doing to me. All that pain.
He never stopped.
On random nights, or even days when he was drunk and mother wasn't around, he would lead me into that room. Push me onto the soft covers and mattress and just take off anything that was worn below my waist. I could never get used to the pain. I always ended up clutching the crown pendant I had yet again received from my dear friend, breaking into hot sobs. I was slapped for crying. Though sometimes the tears were left to soak into the pillows, dried by the time mother got back. It never mattered anyway. Tears were tears compared to pain.
I never said anything to anyone.
Not to Riku, not to Kairi, not to a single soul. It hurt to keep this within my heart. But even so, I went through my days, smiling. Whenever I met up with Riku, I knew I could be free. I could be myself.
When did it happen? When did I start liking Riku..as more than a friend?
But it isn't meant to be. He's a guy. If it meant keeping him away from all the ridicule he could get, I'll keep that secret with me. I'm so silly. Most people would worry about what people think about themselves. I just can't bring myself to care. I've been degraded so many times, it is a silent echo in my ears. But Riku would not accept my love. I think he likes Kairi anyway. So knowing this painful truth, I forced myself to stop loving him. His rare, yet sweet smile. The way his eyes seemed to glow, even in broad daylight, against his pale skin.
I couldn't stop loving him.
At nights, I would cry knowing this. The only way I can be close to him is with the pendant he gave me. The one thing my father cannot break, because it is made of steel. My father is not that strong, and ends up cutting himself whenever he does try. Of course, it only means the torture lasts longer, but I see no difference anymore. But despite the fact all my days seem gray, I'll keep on smiling.
It makes Riku happy.
He smiles when I smile. I want him to smile. I know he's had problems with both his parents, so I want him to be happy. Whenever I grin at him, he would chuckle and look the other way. It made me glad, seeing him like that. My paradise. I always stayed out as late as I could to avoid my father, but Riku would stick by my side. He said he didn't care if his mother scolded him, or if his father threw a fit. He just wanted to keep me company.
I was happy. So happy I wanted to cry. I love him. I love him so much that I could die. I just want to stay with him. Always. But it's the twilight that separates us to go home. Slowly, I have to let go of his hand. He says he'll see me tomorrow and turns his back on me. I stand there until my whole body is chilled to the bone. Like today for instance. Even though he was out of sight, I could see him turning the other way still. If only my legs would move. Just an inch.
They did, just in the wrong direction.
I opened the door and took off my jacket. Carelessly I trudged up the stairs to my room, until a pair of familiar arms wrapped around me. My father's rugged face rubs against mine, and I am lifted into the air, legs dangling. My shorts were removed quickly as I was thrown right there, just on the stairs. The shock of hitting solid steps burst through my back.
And it's the same as always. He kisses my lips while unzipping his pants. And I'm dreaming while he's thrusting. I'm thinking of a silver-haired boy, whose face I could not see, while my father is panting out his drunken passions. Riku's there, standing on pure water, just out of reach. My father grabbed my crown pendant again. It was useless, wasn't it? It was from Riku, so it can't be taken away. So he bleeds in his hand again, grunting in frustration. He tells me in my ear that he loves me very much and can't let me go. I look away.
The action figure I had received from my friend had been in the trash can right there in the kitchen. I remember I tried to find something of it in there. I found only pieces of disgusting paper and had to take a long bath afterward. My father helped with that too.
He's kissing me again, but I'm feeling nothing.
I should report him. I should tell somebody about it. But I don't want to die. If I die, I can't see Riku. My father knows about my love for Riku. He gets very angry when I go out to talk to other people. Even if it's my mother. He just wants me here, in his arms. Like a doll kept on a shelf, staring lifelessly. I want to say something. I want to tell Riku how much I hate my father. I hate him. I wish he would go away. I don't want to see him anymore. He's disgusting and vile and I despise him.
But even so, he's 'still' my father.
He's done with what he wanted to do, but he's still trying to break my pendant. I slightly roll my eyes as he struggles with the chain. He can't break it. It was from Riku.
But he does, and I feel suddenly empty inside.
"Ha. Finally." He flings it to the side, and I want to jump after it except for the fact I feel boneless. He gathers me close to him, pressing kisses to my forehead.
"Yes, you will always love your father, won't you?" I can't answer, but he doesn't care. I'm left alone on the stairs, with my shorts pulled down to my ankles. I'm left staring at my broken necklace on the floor below me. My fingers twitch, but I can't move.
Riku.
How long was I laying there? My mind was completely blank. It should've frightened me, but it didn't. I laid there all night, half-naked. My mother did not come home at all. She probably was working extra. It was cold, but I didn't move at all.
I wanted to see Riku.
When it was morning, my motions were out of routine. I pulled up my shorts and went out to my boat. The crown was clutched loosely in my hands. Riku could fix this. He could, because he was perfect. He would reassure me with his smile. He would help me be me again.Knowing this, I collapsed into the wooden interior and set off. I was going no where. I couldn't sit up. I couldn't pick up my oar. I just wanted to lay here, in this boat.
How could he?
Why am I still thinking of it? It was hours ago. My father broke everything I got from anyone. This was no different.
I thought this one would live forever.
Riku. He would help me. He was my best friend.
But what if he hates me? Thinking about it, telling somebody you had been sleeping with your father every night makes you come off as a normal whore doesn't it. I shouldn't say anything. Besides, I'll be killed. I don't want to die. Besides, he likes Kairi.
I was drifting somewhere. I didn't know this place anymore. I didn't know anything. The figurine and the pendant that all earned a place in my heart were all taken away from me. Ripped apart. Riku, sorry I got it damaged again. I'm just so silly.
"Sora!"
Gently, I was smiling.
---------------------
I was totally rambling here...