Chapter 2 -Written by Kavindra Miette
"See, I told you that they put in a karaoke machine," said Legolas, pointing towards a newly-installed stage. "And we don't even have the technology yet. Very impressive."
"What's a karaoke machine?" said Pippin, since he was the stupid one.
Legolas, ready to show off what he knew about karaoke, snapped his fingers. A mob of adoring girls came up behind him and set up a projection screen, a projector, and a kissing booth.
"Girls," said Legolas, "What in the world is the kissing booth for?"
"We LOVE you, Leggie!"
Legolas rolled his eyes. Women fainted.
"Go away. (the legions of fans sulked off) Now, Pippin, a karaoke machine is a machine that plays CDs. But these are no ordinary CDs. They don't have vocal track on them, so you can sing along. (The screen behind him flashed different slides every few seconds. He was reading off of them) Originally invented in Japan, karaoke is a proven stress reliever and is a good way to show off whatever smidgeon of talent you have."
He cleared his throat importantly.
"I, of course, am naturally gifted, so I excel at karaoke. But that's not important, now is it?"
Frodo, who was standing near the back of the group, narrowed his eyes. He would show him. That stupid elf. He was so wonderful just because he had two more female fans. Two. Oh wow.
"Where's Japan?" asked Pippin, who hadn't understood a single word Legolas had said.
"I don't know. It was on the screen, so I read it." Legolas shrugged. "As far as I know, it might be some type of exotic bird or a line of specialty tights. Or if it was a place, maybe it's a spa."
"Allow me," said Frodo, pushing Legolas aside (although it didn't really do anything, as Frodo was much shorter). His own group of fans flocked up behind him. "Japan is a country. It is located in the Pacific Ocean in the northern hemisphere. Its capital is Tokyo. There, Pippin, now you know."
"But how do you know?" said Pippin darkly, because, as we all know, he's a bit dim.
"I.err...read it somewhere.I think." said Frodo, obviously clueless.
"Yes, you read it somewhere," said Legolas loudly. "Like I really believe that."
"You should believe that I have much more brains than you, elf boy."
The fans gasped. Legolas glared at Frodo.
"What did you call me?"
"Oh, nothing. I was just mentioning how you're not a natural blonde.
You use,"
Frodo made his voice go all high and girly "Beach Babe #72 to get that
luscious long-lasting color!"
Legolas's groupies started to cry. Legolas himself was fuming.
"So you want to throw insults, eh, shorty?"
There was a collective "oooh" from both sides.
"All right. You wear contacts. Your eyes aren't that lovely blue you'd like us to believe they are. They're." he glanced around slyly, "Plaid."
Frodo's fans screamed in horror. Frodo retaliated.
"Well you don't even know how to use a bow and arrows, so there!"
"Those aren't real feet!"
"Those aren't real ears!"
And so this went on, until all the fans had passed out from too much unsightly information, and Gandalf was able to get through and separate the two. Frodo was brandishing Sting and Legolas had called upon his stuntman to loose arrows.
"Enough, both of you!" he barked. "Fools of an elf and hobbit! You've forgotten why we've come here in the first place! If you want to fight, do it in song!."
Suddenly the stage was bathed in a bright, ethereal light. Boromir, who had come back from the dead for this special karaoke occasion, thought,
"Why does this look so familiar?"
A choir, which was really the bartender and waiters, started to sing, for that full heavenly effect. Merry, however, was unimpressed.
"Isn't there any food in this place?" he said.
That caught Pippin's interest.
"Food? Where? I haven't had second breakfast yet."
"Uh, Pippin, it's past breakfast time. It's past supper."
"Well then, what about second supper?"
"Rather a bright idea, that. But let's start with a drink, shall we?"
"But what should we get?"
"Let's ask someone."
The two hobbits strolled over to a table. The very table that housed a host of half-way drunken Harry Potter characters.
"'Scuse me," said Merry, "But we can see that you have quite a few mugs at your table. Must be very tasty, if you've consumed all of that. What exactly did you get?"
Malfoy sniggered.
"Where's the beef?" he said in a slurred voice.
"I don't know," said Pippin. "I think I ate it, actually."
Hermione, who was the smartest person there and a little less drunk than the rest, snapped,
"Butterbeer."
She then grabbed a mug and smashed Malfoy over the head with it.
"And there is no beef. There's only pork!"
"Oh," said Pippin "Well, I like pork, too."
"Butterbeer?" asked Merry "Don't you mean Butterbur?"
"Butter comes from parrots!" squawked Harry.
"No, no. Butterbur. Not butterbeer. And not parrots."
"Yes, butterbeer," said Ron "Butterbeer is yellow, like Malfoy's underwear!"
"But you don't understand," said Merry, who was losing his patience. "There's no such thing as butterbeer. There's only Mr. Butterbur, the inn keeper."
"Nuh uh," said Hermione. "You can't drink people. And we drank butterbeer, so butterbeer!"
"Butterbur!" Said Merry, who was ready to walk away. Pippin, however, was still trying to see if there was any pork lying around.
"Butterbeer!" said the drunken ones.
"Butterbur!"
"Butterbeer!"
"Butterbur!"
'Butterbeer!
"BUTTERBUR!!!!" screeched Merry at the top of his lungs. Hearing his name, Mr. Butterbur popped up beside him.
"'Ello thar!" he said cheerfully "Wot can I be getting' you taday?"
Pippin was about to ask about pork when suddenly the lights dimmed. A single spotlight was focused on the stage. Into this walked Professor Severus Snape. As usual, he didn't look at all happy.
"I'm only doing this because I get paid," he snarled at the now quiet audience. "And because they couldn't find anyone else. But our first who-I- am-sure-will-be-absolutely-horrific guests are the members of the Fellowship of the Ring and several other people they brought along to torture us with. Enjoy the show."
With that he walked off of the stage.
Merry turned to Pippin.
"Blimey! They started without us! What should we do?"
Pippin plopped down at a vacant table.
"I say we watch them instead of joining them. It'll be funnier this way."
Merry sat down beside him.
"Agreed. I never much liked singing. You know, Pip, I think you might be getting smarter."
Pippin hadn't been paying attention.
"Oh, what?" he said, "Since there wasn't any pork that I could find, I decided to look for beef, although I think I might have eaten it. But what were you saying?"
Merry shook his head.
"Never mind."
The Fellowship made their way up to the stage. Gandalf walked up to the microphone while the rest of them arranged behind him.
"Are you ready yet?" growled Snape from the karaoke machine. He was ready to press the 'play' button.
"Yes, we are ready." Said Gandalf.
"So am I!" said Gimli.
And so the music started. It was the "Maybe We'll Meet at a Bar" song by Janet Jackson (as the author doesn't know the title(). Surprisingly, Gandalf knew all the words.
"Maybe we'll meet at a bar; he'll drive a funky car."
His voice was low and gravely, and he sounded very odd singing a song with lyrics and a melody designed for a woman. Nevertheless.
"Maybe we'll meet at a club, and fall so deeply in love."
While Gandalf was barking out words, the rest of the group was doing background dancing, with someone shouting "Go Fellowship!" over and over. Seeing it was time for her to do so, Arwen began screeching, "Wo oooo ooooooooo oooo!" in time to the music.
"He'll tell me I'm the one, and we'll have so much fun! I'll be the girl of his dreams. Maybe!"
It was now time for the instrumental interlude. The sound of an electric guitar blared over the speakers. Seizing the opportunity, Legolas jumped down into the center of the stage and began to enthusiastically play air guitar. Screams of doting fans raised the noise to an almost unbearable level.
Not wanting to be outdone, Frodo joined Legolas, but instead playing the air trombone and occasionally slipping that one chicken dance move from the first movie. People now had to wear earmuffs to protect their hearing. Gandalf was obviously very annoyed at them interrupting his song, so he started to sing again.
"Maybe we'll meet at a bar. He'll drive a funky car."
Arwen heard him and was angry that he was stealing the spotlight, so she started to wail again, doing a bad imitation of Mariah Carey. Aragorn was swooning, while Eowyn and Galadriel glared at her with hatred. Frodo and Legolas were still at it, although now it was air violin and air washboard. Boromir, who was still trying to breakdance, was spewing rather decayed body parts everywhere. And Gimli and Sam were just standing there, without anything to do.
"This is absolutely fantastic!" said Merry "They're awful!"
"Yes," said Pippin in a knowing voice. "They're making themselves look almost as stupid as me!"
Merry raised his eyebrows.
"I don't think that's possible, Pip."
Over at the Harry Potter table, everyone was rolling on the floor laughing. This was not only induced by the Fellowships' terrible attempts at music, but also by mass amounts of butterbeer. Ron sat up.
"That looks fun!" he gurgled. "Oy, Harry, we should go sing.er.okakorke!"
He collapsed into peals of drunken laughter. Harry joined him.
"Yeah! We should. We should sing about." he giggled, "Toffee!"
"Toffee!" sniggered Hermione "Toffee is sticky, and it tastes delightful!"
Malfoy glared at them, but then proceeded to crack up.
"Delightful toffee! Toffee toffee toffee!"
Hagrid grinned at them.
"Yers should go an' sing," He said. Because he drank often, Hagrid wasn't as severely drunk. Only tipsy. "You'd be better than this lot! Toffee is better than them. And so is butter.."
Hagrids' encouragement was the final straw. Snickering hysterically, the four began to mindlessly waddle over to Snape.
Authors' Note: Ah, those poor, dumb little characters. Well, that's it for now. I have more stuff but I've got to revise it. Sorry Chapter One was so short, but Fuzz King didn't write much. Please be kind and review. It's greatly appreciated! : )
~Kavindra
"See, I told you that they put in a karaoke machine," said Legolas, pointing towards a newly-installed stage. "And we don't even have the technology yet. Very impressive."
"What's a karaoke machine?" said Pippin, since he was the stupid one.
Legolas, ready to show off what he knew about karaoke, snapped his fingers. A mob of adoring girls came up behind him and set up a projection screen, a projector, and a kissing booth.
"Girls," said Legolas, "What in the world is the kissing booth for?"
"We LOVE you, Leggie!"
Legolas rolled his eyes. Women fainted.
"Go away. (the legions of fans sulked off) Now, Pippin, a karaoke machine is a machine that plays CDs. But these are no ordinary CDs. They don't have vocal track on them, so you can sing along. (The screen behind him flashed different slides every few seconds. He was reading off of them) Originally invented in Japan, karaoke is a proven stress reliever and is a good way to show off whatever smidgeon of talent you have."
He cleared his throat importantly.
"I, of course, am naturally gifted, so I excel at karaoke. But that's not important, now is it?"
Frodo, who was standing near the back of the group, narrowed his eyes. He would show him. That stupid elf. He was so wonderful just because he had two more female fans. Two. Oh wow.
"Where's Japan?" asked Pippin, who hadn't understood a single word Legolas had said.
"I don't know. It was on the screen, so I read it." Legolas shrugged. "As far as I know, it might be some type of exotic bird or a line of specialty tights. Or if it was a place, maybe it's a spa."
"Allow me," said Frodo, pushing Legolas aside (although it didn't really do anything, as Frodo was much shorter). His own group of fans flocked up behind him. "Japan is a country. It is located in the Pacific Ocean in the northern hemisphere. Its capital is Tokyo. There, Pippin, now you know."
"But how do you know?" said Pippin darkly, because, as we all know, he's a bit dim.
"I.err...read it somewhere.I think." said Frodo, obviously clueless.
"Yes, you read it somewhere," said Legolas loudly. "Like I really believe that."
"You should believe that I have much more brains than you, elf boy."
The fans gasped. Legolas glared at Frodo.
"What did you call me?"
"Oh, nothing. I was just mentioning how you're not a natural blonde.
You use,"
Frodo made his voice go all high and girly "Beach Babe #72 to get that
luscious long-lasting color!"
Legolas's groupies started to cry. Legolas himself was fuming.
"So you want to throw insults, eh, shorty?"
There was a collective "oooh" from both sides.
"All right. You wear contacts. Your eyes aren't that lovely blue you'd like us to believe they are. They're." he glanced around slyly, "Plaid."
Frodo's fans screamed in horror. Frodo retaliated.
"Well you don't even know how to use a bow and arrows, so there!"
"Those aren't real feet!"
"Those aren't real ears!"
And so this went on, until all the fans had passed out from too much unsightly information, and Gandalf was able to get through and separate the two. Frodo was brandishing Sting and Legolas had called upon his stuntman to loose arrows.
"Enough, both of you!" he barked. "Fools of an elf and hobbit! You've forgotten why we've come here in the first place! If you want to fight, do it in song!."
Suddenly the stage was bathed in a bright, ethereal light. Boromir, who had come back from the dead for this special karaoke occasion, thought,
"Why does this look so familiar?"
A choir, which was really the bartender and waiters, started to sing, for that full heavenly effect. Merry, however, was unimpressed.
"Isn't there any food in this place?" he said.
That caught Pippin's interest.
"Food? Where? I haven't had second breakfast yet."
"Uh, Pippin, it's past breakfast time. It's past supper."
"Well then, what about second supper?"
"Rather a bright idea, that. But let's start with a drink, shall we?"
"But what should we get?"
"Let's ask someone."
The two hobbits strolled over to a table. The very table that housed a host of half-way drunken Harry Potter characters.
"'Scuse me," said Merry, "But we can see that you have quite a few mugs at your table. Must be very tasty, if you've consumed all of that. What exactly did you get?"
Malfoy sniggered.
"Where's the beef?" he said in a slurred voice.
"I don't know," said Pippin. "I think I ate it, actually."
Hermione, who was the smartest person there and a little less drunk than the rest, snapped,
"Butterbeer."
She then grabbed a mug and smashed Malfoy over the head with it.
"And there is no beef. There's only pork!"
"Oh," said Pippin "Well, I like pork, too."
"Butterbeer?" asked Merry "Don't you mean Butterbur?"
"Butter comes from parrots!" squawked Harry.
"No, no. Butterbur. Not butterbeer. And not parrots."
"Yes, butterbeer," said Ron "Butterbeer is yellow, like Malfoy's underwear!"
"But you don't understand," said Merry, who was losing his patience. "There's no such thing as butterbeer. There's only Mr. Butterbur, the inn keeper."
"Nuh uh," said Hermione. "You can't drink people. And we drank butterbeer, so butterbeer!"
"Butterbur!" Said Merry, who was ready to walk away. Pippin, however, was still trying to see if there was any pork lying around.
"Butterbeer!" said the drunken ones.
"Butterbur!"
"Butterbeer!"
"Butterbur!"
'Butterbeer!
"BUTTERBUR!!!!" screeched Merry at the top of his lungs. Hearing his name, Mr. Butterbur popped up beside him.
"'Ello thar!" he said cheerfully "Wot can I be getting' you taday?"
Pippin was about to ask about pork when suddenly the lights dimmed. A single spotlight was focused on the stage. Into this walked Professor Severus Snape. As usual, he didn't look at all happy.
"I'm only doing this because I get paid," he snarled at the now quiet audience. "And because they couldn't find anyone else. But our first who-I- am-sure-will-be-absolutely-horrific guests are the members of the Fellowship of the Ring and several other people they brought along to torture us with. Enjoy the show."
With that he walked off of the stage.
Merry turned to Pippin.
"Blimey! They started without us! What should we do?"
Pippin plopped down at a vacant table.
"I say we watch them instead of joining them. It'll be funnier this way."
Merry sat down beside him.
"Agreed. I never much liked singing. You know, Pip, I think you might be getting smarter."
Pippin hadn't been paying attention.
"Oh, what?" he said, "Since there wasn't any pork that I could find, I decided to look for beef, although I think I might have eaten it. But what were you saying?"
Merry shook his head.
"Never mind."
The Fellowship made their way up to the stage. Gandalf walked up to the microphone while the rest of them arranged behind him.
"Are you ready yet?" growled Snape from the karaoke machine. He was ready to press the 'play' button.
"Yes, we are ready." Said Gandalf.
"So am I!" said Gimli.
And so the music started. It was the "Maybe We'll Meet at a Bar" song by Janet Jackson (as the author doesn't know the title(). Surprisingly, Gandalf knew all the words.
"Maybe we'll meet at a bar; he'll drive a funky car."
His voice was low and gravely, and he sounded very odd singing a song with lyrics and a melody designed for a woman. Nevertheless.
"Maybe we'll meet at a club, and fall so deeply in love."
While Gandalf was barking out words, the rest of the group was doing background dancing, with someone shouting "Go Fellowship!" over and over. Seeing it was time for her to do so, Arwen began screeching, "Wo oooo ooooooooo oooo!" in time to the music.
"He'll tell me I'm the one, and we'll have so much fun! I'll be the girl of his dreams. Maybe!"
It was now time for the instrumental interlude. The sound of an electric guitar blared over the speakers. Seizing the opportunity, Legolas jumped down into the center of the stage and began to enthusiastically play air guitar. Screams of doting fans raised the noise to an almost unbearable level.
Not wanting to be outdone, Frodo joined Legolas, but instead playing the air trombone and occasionally slipping that one chicken dance move from the first movie. People now had to wear earmuffs to protect their hearing. Gandalf was obviously very annoyed at them interrupting his song, so he started to sing again.
"Maybe we'll meet at a bar. He'll drive a funky car."
Arwen heard him and was angry that he was stealing the spotlight, so she started to wail again, doing a bad imitation of Mariah Carey. Aragorn was swooning, while Eowyn and Galadriel glared at her with hatred. Frodo and Legolas were still at it, although now it was air violin and air washboard. Boromir, who was still trying to breakdance, was spewing rather decayed body parts everywhere. And Gimli and Sam were just standing there, without anything to do.
"This is absolutely fantastic!" said Merry "They're awful!"
"Yes," said Pippin in a knowing voice. "They're making themselves look almost as stupid as me!"
Merry raised his eyebrows.
"I don't think that's possible, Pip."
Over at the Harry Potter table, everyone was rolling on the floor laughing. This was not only induced by the Fellowships' terrible attempts at music, but also by mass amounts of butterbeer. Ron sat up.
"That looks fun!" he gurgled. "Oy, Harry, we should go sing.er.okakorke!"
He collapsed into peals of drunken laughter. Harry joined him.
"Yeah! We should. We should sing about." he giggled, "Toffee!"
"Toffee!" sniggered Hermione "Toffee is sticky, and it tastes delightful!"
Malfoy glared at them, but then proceeded to crack up.
"Delightful toffee! Toffee toffee toffee!"
Hagrid grinned at them.
"Yers should go an' sing," He said. Because he drank often, Hagrid wasn't as severely drunk. Only tipsy. "You'd be better than this lot! Toffee is better than them. And so is butter.."
Hagrids' encouragement was the final straw. Snickering hysterically, the four began to mindlessly waddle over to Snape.
Authors' Note: Ah, those poor, dumb little characters. Well, that's it for now. I have more stuff but I've got to revise it. Sorry Chapter One was so short, but Fuzz King didn't write much. Please be kind and review. It's greatly appreciated! : )
~Kavindra