Hi everyone! Thank you SO VERY MUCH for the reviews! You wouldn't believe
how encouraging it was! And Les Miserables and the Goldfish jingle belong
to their creators. So, now that that's said, let's get on with the
story.^_^
"Er, Harry?" said Hermione slowly, craning her neck, "There seems to be a bit of a roadblock..."
Indeed she was right. The Fellowship had descended into a full-out brawl, and their little war was completely blocking access to the stage. Eowyn and Galadriel had pounced on Arwen, and now all three of them appeared to be fighting to the death, or at least the most amount of hair ripped out. Typically, the vile Snape was thoroughly enjoying it, and sat back, resting his feet on the karaoke machine. Frodo and Legolas had never actually stopped messing around with the air, only the instruments had transformed into things much more lethal. Legolas was trying to light his air bomb, while Frodo was about to charge, air axe held high. However, before he could do anything, Sam jumped in with an air butcher knife and tried throwing at Legolas's head. It missed, but it still had infuriated the elf. He muttered furiously as he tried to get the air fuse to catch fire.
"Sam," said Frodo, turning to the other hobbit, "Why, exactly, did you do that?"
Sam drew himself up proudly.
"Well," he said, "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee, and I don't mean to."
Eowyn, Arwen, and Galadriel all stopped fighting for a group "Awwwww!" Soon after, however, the warm, fuzzy sentimentality faded, and they went back to seeing how much hair loss they could cause the queen of Lothlorien. Arwen tore off a particularly big chunk.
"Won't Gimli adore this?" she purred, holding up the golden lock of hair.
Gimli turned and looked at her, a look of utter disbelief on his face,
"You're...you're... related!?" he said. He had a slight twitch and he
was sporting a maniac smile.
"Yeah, what's it to ya?" Arwen asked, complete with head-boppin' motion.
"Oh, Arwen," said Aragorn, completely love struck, "I love it when you talk all 'cool'! It's so chillin', yo!"
Arwen did another head bop and then she and Aragorn began to glomp onto each others faces. But in the middle of this "sign of affection" Gimli launched himself onto Arwen's head. Arwen shrieked and tried to pry the dwarf off, but he had descended rather far into insanity. He was giggling, for goodness sake.
"I must have your hair!" he said, pulling out a pair of scissors and setting off to give Arwen a very nasty haircut, "I'll have all the famous elven hair! Celeborn, Elrond, Arwen, Galadriel (massive sigh from Gimli), Legolas-"
Legolas looked up.
"What?"
"Aragorn!" wailed Arwen, clawing at Gimli, "Help me!"
Aragorn, however, was busy looking at a book titled "Super Cool Expressions for the Modern Dude". He did stop reading for a moment, although it was only to smile and say "I'm Estel to you, babe! Bling bling bling! Ca Ching Ca Ching!"
Arwen whimpered, although Gimli wasn't paying that much attention to her anymore. His focus was on Legolas.
"I've been stealing your hair one a night for the past week. Tee hee!" he said, giggling fanatically and holding up both of his pinky fingers. Legolas could not believe what he was hearing.
"You LIE!" he bellowed, chucking the air bomb. Gimli hopped off of Arwens' head, avoiding the full force of the imaginary blast. Why they were even running away from it is a question that may never be answered. Arwen, who was furious at the attempt made at blowing her up, glared at her Grandmum Galadriel.
"SEE WHAT YOU STARTED WITH YOUR STUPID HAIR???" she shrieked, breaking several windows in the process. It didn't matter, though. Gimli had gone off the deep end. He held the many different strands of elf hair in his hands, gently petting them.
"I'll be rich..." he hissed, "I'll sell the hair to the highest bidder! Millions! Billions!" He pulled out four labeled jars and carefully started to put the hair into them. All this was done while muttering "My precious." over and over.
Sam looked over at Frodo, who was in turn warily eyeing Legolas, who appeared to be searching for more destructive air weapons.
"I'd say he's been around the ring too long."
At the very mention of the one ring, even though it had been barely audible, a sickly figure came slithering out of the shadows, which was actually near the table in the corner. Marius from the Les Miserables musical randomly appeared and began to sing "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables", prompted by that last line.
"At the table, in the corner, they could see a world re-bo-orn. And they rose, with voi-ces ringing. And I can heeeeear them now. The very words of our communion! Bec-"
Snape, who had never really favored Broadway, had seized a mug and had smashed Marius over the head with it. He crumbled to the floor and therefore quit singing. Of course, that sound had been much lovelier than what the audience was being forced to endure. The sickly figure, however, popped his head over the table.
"Heys! Wees likes that songs, precious!"
Snape rolled his eyes and groaned in exasperation.
"Oh, not you."
Gollum hissed at him.
"Yess, it's us, precious! Ands if yous don'ts likes it's, then BLAHHHHSSS!!!"
Snape put up his umbrella as Gollum screamed at him. He tended to spray it, not say it.
Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Malfoy were on the stage now, leaning on each other and apparently laughing at invisible beach balls. Snape glowered at them as he swept back to the karaoke machine. If his precious Malfoy hadn't been up there, he could have sold this to the Daily Prophet for filthy amounts of money. Rita Skeeter would have bought it from him, he was sure. He could have gotten that new juicer he had been eying. But alas, Malfoy had gotten himself drunk, and there was nothing Snape could do about it.
"What song are you going to painfully bombard our ears with, Potter?" he spat.
Harry grinned drunkenly.
"The jingle for goldfish! They smile..er.."
"Back!" cheered Ron.
Snape merely raised an eyebrow and searched for it in the large collection of songs. His mind had been completely changed. Malfoy or not, he was definitely getting footage of this.
The music started, and the four valiantly dived into it, but they kept skipping words and such.
"Here's our jingle for goldfish!" chortled Hermione.
"Flavor blasted goldfish!" shouted Malfoy.
"It's not flavor blasted, you.caramel toffee of a toothbrush! It's...er..."
"The wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their bums off!"
"With names like extra cheddar, and explosive pizza!"
"The snack that smiles back! GOLDFISH!!!" screamed Harry.
"Duh Dun Daa!" sang Ron, ending the miserable, mercifully short excuse for the jingle.
There was no applause. Snape hastily put away his camera. Merry and Pippin, who had found some spare microphones in the storeroom closet, were serving as the unofficial commentators for the evening. They were both wearing fluffy pink earmuffs that had been left over from Frodo and Legolas's little show.
"Well, from what we could hear, that was absolutely horrific," boomed Merry into the microphone, "I give it a one point five out of ten. What say you, Pippin?"
Pippin was in the midst of removing his earmuffs.
"Oh, what? Oh. Let's see."
He thought for a moment. It looked like he was putting quite a lot of effort into it.
"I give it a three. A nice, even number. (Merry groaned) Of course, our lot wasn't much better..."
Over at the Lord of the Rings table, Gandalf stood up and bellowed
"Fool of a Took!! I'd like to see you do better!"
Pippin stood up as well, even though he was much less imposing than Gandalf.
"And we will! C'mon, Merry!"
Merry clawed at the table as Pippin tried to drag him up to the stage.
"Pippin, are you MAD!?" he said, "We are NOT singing!"
"And why not? We have to show that wizard what we're made of!"
"No, really, Pip, we don't!" cried Merry as he lost his grip on the table. "Don't make me do this!"
Pippin, however, wasn't listening, much to Merry's dismay. He was grabbing anything he came into contact with, to try and prevent the doom that awaited him. Unfortunately, his fingers wrapped around Gollum's leg.
"Drats you, you stinksing little hobbiteses!" howled Gollum, "Always grabbsing onto poor us! We don'ts likes it!"
Merry was suddenly hit with an idea.
"Listen," he said, clutching another table, "If you replace me, I'll give you something."
Gollum narrowed his eyes.
"Whats, precious?"
"Er, what about some nice rabbit stew? With potatoes-"
"Po-tate-ohs!" yelled Sam
"-and sausages and nice crispy bacon? How'd you like that?"
Gollum stuck out his tongue.
"We wants fish."
Merry nodded. This wasn't going to be so hard.
"All right. I can get fish. Fish it is, then."
"And," Gollum grinned evilly, "The precious."
Merry's mouth dropped. He couldn't do that. But then again, if it saved him from singing...
"Oh, fine," he said, nervously glancing over at Frodo, "I'll get "the precious" for you. Just hurry up!"
In no time at all Gollum had switched places with Merry, and Pippin hadn't even noticed. He was still on his way to the stage. Merry, who was ice fishing out of a small bucket, was now trying to devise a way he could get the ring. This would be very difficult.
Pippin had now reached the microphone, Gollum standing innocently behind him.
"Hah, Gandalf!" he said, "We're going to kick your behind to the airport so it can get on a plane and fly to the moon, where we would have originally kicked it except hobbits aren't known for their kicking ability!"
The audience obviously hadn't understood any of it. Bilbo, who had just entered the pub, was the only one who applauded. It was almost as good as his "I know half of you half as well as I should like" speech. In his opinion, anyway.
"All righty then!" said Pippin, "Now, Merry and I-"
He got quite a shock when he turned around and saw Gollum, smiling sinisterly. As Pippin had been rendered speechless, Gollum stepped up to the microphone.
"Nows, we are goings to sings a song. Wees mades it ups ourselves, didn't we precious?"
He made the signature Gollum choking noise, and then proceeded to sing the "Rock and Pool" song.
"Rocks and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy SWEEEEEEEETS! We haves one wish, to catch a fish-"
Gollum then started to choke again. After a particularly loud cough something popped out of his mouth and into his hand.
"Whoa, what's this?" said Gollum, sounding quite a lot like Frank Sinatra, "A hairball?"
There was a very loud "Eeeeewwww!" from the audience.
"Well," said Gollum in his newly discovered nice voice, "I always wondered where that toupee went!"
The audience laughed hysterically, sounding quite a bit like those laugh tracks they have on desperate sitcoms. .
"Honestly though, folks, I'm gonna sing you a little tune tonight that you've probably all heard before," he looked earnestly out at the audience, plopping the toupee on his sad, bald little head, "I'd like to give this one to you guys. Hit it, Snape!"
Snape pressed the button, and then dived into his book: "Washing Your Hair for Dummies."
"Somewhere," sang Gollum, snapping his fingers to the snazzy big band jazz music, "Beyond the sea. Yeah. I'm gonna find you, just a wait and seeeeee..."
The audience (except of course the annoyed and jealous Fellowship) was really enjoying itself, as this was the only good act they'd seen all night. And of all people, it was Gollum who was entertaining them. Who would have thought? Suddenly, however, their bliss ended. Gollum stopped signing.
"No, that's not right." he said to himself. He then addressed the audience.
"Sorry folks, but I don't think singing is my true calling."
There was a loud, slow motion "Nooooooooo!"
"Hey! That's my line!" yelled Frodo, although no one was paying any attention to him. Gollum was talking again.
"I think that I'm meant for...." He pulled a curtain out of nowhere and ducked behind it. Two seconds later he emerged, wearing all black, a beret, sunglasses, and carrying bongos. He snapped his fingers once. "Poetry."
The audience, who had all suddenly become hipsters, snapped their fingers in an oh-so-deck form of applause (Deck is the hip word for cool, man) Gollum drummed on his bongos.
"Ahem," he said, "I'd like to read my poem now, cats. I call it "All These Stupid Things Are Actually Really Symbolic".
Bongo drums filled the air. Gollum started.
"Why do we all hide under our refrigerators? Waiting for a cheese puff to strike, As the pork roast cooks in the eternal crock-pot of inevitability As we watch it simmer with closed eyes, Hoping that someday, the seashells will rain down, And hit us on the head, And wake us up to the world we know is there, It's just invisible. Like the pork roast roasting, And the wooly mammoths running free, Someday, we will all have tusks."
The bongos stopped. The audience snapped their fingers wildly, but that sound was soon drowned out by the screams of hundreds of fan girls, who had just stormed into the Prancing Pony. They were very familiar fan girls, too...
"Wait a second!" cried Legolas, "Those are my fans! Why aren't they devoting their entire lives to me anymore!"
A fan girl heard him, and rolled her eyes.
"Like, you are so like five minutes ago," she said, "Gollum is, like, the new thing."
A girl next to her was twitching.
"He's.....so....HOT!" she shrieked, and then fainted from lack of oxygen.
"See?" said the first fan girl, "Gollum is, like, so much better than you it's, like, scary. I can't believe I, like, used to have a shrine devoted to you. That it so, like, fin."
"What about me?" said Frodo nervously, coming and standing next to Legolas, "I haven't been deserted too, have I?"
"Like, yeah!" piped up another fan girl, "You guys are, like, old news. And you weren't even that, like, handsome in the first place."
Frodo and Legolas gasped at exactly the same time. The main fan girl rolled her eyes.
"Like, unison is so outdated. Gollum is, like, so much deeper than that. He writes poetry..."
She began to drool. The other fan girls began to chant.
"Poetry! Poetry! Poetry!"
Suddenly Gollum appeared in front of Legolas and Frodo. Apparently he had been crowd surfing. The fan girls screamed, but Gollum silenced them with a snap of his fingers. Needless to say, the elf and the hobbit were intimidated.
"Well, well, well," said Gollum in a suave British accent, glancing over his deck sunglasses, "Look who doesn't have any fans? The two former Hottest Guys of Middle-Earth as voted by Gondor Girl magazine. Ha. That just makes me feel so good."
Frodo and Legolas glared at him. He didn't notice.
"Yes, coughing up that toupee really changed my life. I'm sane, beautiful and popular."
"Why don't you go steal Aragorn's fans, Gollum?" spat Legolas, "He won the title once, you know."
"When he was single," said Gollum, gesturing towards Arwen, who was evilly petting a nuclear warhead, "All his fans are determined to stay hidden, as they don't want to get blown up, and so I can't find any of them."
"I'm still trying to figure out how people can actually think that you're better looking than me and the elf," said Frodo, scratching his head "I mean, for the love of the Shire, you're gray and slimy and eat raw fish."
"Newsflash chaps," said Gollum matter of factly, "It's called sushi."
Legolas and Frodo stared blankly at him.
"It's Japanese!" said Gollum.
"Oh!" shouted Legolas happily, bouncing up and down. Apparently he had forgotten his current state of rage. "I know! I know! Karaoke is Japanese, too! I win!"
Frodo rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded like "Elven idiot" Gollum merely chuckled.
"Well lads," he said, "I have to be off. But before I leave, I want to give you something."
A fan girl came up with two brown paper grocery bags. They had eyeholes cut into them.
"You'll look so much better if you put these on. Toodaloo!"
With that he and the mass of fan girls left, leaving nothing behind but the bags. Frodo and Legolas picked them up, and, without knowing exactly why, miserably put them on their heads. Legolas immediately began to bawl his eyes out.
"It's not faaaaaair!" he wailed, "I'm not gorgeous anymore! WAAAAAAHH!"
Frodo handed him a Kleenex. Legolas took it and blew his nose, but was disgusted to find that his bag was now rather soggy. He had forgotten to take it off. This made him cry even louder.
"All we have to do is think of the positives!" said Frodo, who sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as Legolas. "What are some of the positives of wearing a brown paper bag over your head for the rest of your life?"
Legolas sniffed.
"No one can see you crying."
"Okay!" said Frodo, even though it wasn't very encouraging. Positives. Think of the positives. "That's good! Uh, no one can tell if you have a zit or not."
"Brown's a good color on me."
"Paper is better for the environment than plastic!"
"Yay trees!"
"You're supporting your local grocery store!"
"Paper is good for flawless complexions!"
"And no one can tell if you're embarrassed."
Legolas, his mood enormously improved, snickered and pointed up towards the stage.
"I know someone is going to be embarrassed soon," he said, "We've got singers."
A/N: And we have concluded chapter 3! Who are our next singers, anyway? Will the fangirls return? Wait and see! And I am open to song suggestions, just be warned that I may not use your idea. Chances are I won't do rap songs (I don't know anything from that particular genre) or country music, but I'm always up for a parody of that atrocious fluff they call pop. And I'm well aware that there are some similarities between Gollums' poetry reading and part of another story called Mr. Middle Earth (I've forgotten the authors' name) This was completely unintentional, and in fact I had actually just written that bit when my cousin e-mailed me the link to that story, saying it was excellent. Indeed it was, but unfortunately it has since been taken off this site. I'm not sure if the author is still here, but if she is, I apologize for the parallel and did not mean to copy her story in any way. Now that that's been said, I'll end this lengthy little note, and I hope that you take the time to review this story! Thanks to all! ^_^
~Kavindra
"Er, Harry?" said Hermione slowly, craning her neck, "There seems to be a bit of a roadblock..."
Indeed she was right. The Fellowship had descended into a full-out brawl, and their little war was completely blocking access to the stage. Eowyn and Galadriel had pounced on Arwen, and now all three of them appeared to be fighting to the death, or at least the most amount of hair ripped out. Typically, the vile Snape was thoroughly enjoying it, and sat back, resting his feet on the karaoke machine. Frodo and Legolas had never actually stopped messing around with the air, only the instruments had transformed into things much more lethal. Legolas was trying to light his air bomb, while Frodo was about to charge, air axe held high. However, before he could do anything, Sam jumped in with an air butcher knife and tried throwing at Legolas's head. It missed, but it still had infuriated the elf. He muttered furiously as he tried to get the air fuse to catch fire.
"Sam," said Frodo, turning to the other hobbit, "Why, exactly, did you do that?"
Sam drew himself up proudly.
"Well," he said, "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee, and I don't mean to."
Eowyn, Arwen, and Galadriel all stopped fighting for a group "Awwwww!" Soon after, however, the warm, fuzzy sentimentality faded, and they went back to seeing how much hair loss they could cause the queen of Lothlorien. Arwen tore off a particularly big chunk.
"Won't Gimli adore this?" she purred, holding up the golden lock of hair.
Gimli turned and looked at her, a look of utter disbelief on his face,
"You're...you're... related!?" he said. He had a slight twitch and he
was sporting a maniac smile.
"Yeah, what's it to ya?" Arwen asked, complete with head-boppin' motion.
"Oh, Arwen," said Aragorn, completely love struck, "I love it when you talk all 'cool'! It's so chillin', yo!"
Arwen did another head bop and then she and Aragorn began to glomp onto each others faces. But in the middle of this "sign of affection" Gimli launched himself onto Arwen's head. Arwen shrieked and tried to pry the dwarf off, but he had descended rather far into insanity. He was giggling, for goodness sake.
"I must have your hair!" he said, pulling out a pair of scissors and setting off to give Arwen a very nasty haircut, "I'll have all the famous elven hair! Celeborn, Elrond, Arwen, Galadriel (massive sigh from Gimli), Legolas-"
Legolas looked up.
"What?"
"Aragorn!" wailed Arwen, clawing at Gimli, "Help me!"
Aragorn, however, was busy looking at a book titled "Super Cool Expressions for the Modern Dude". He did stop reading for a moment, although it was only to smile and say "I'm Estel to you, babe! Bling bling bling! Ca Ching Ca Ching!"
Arwen whimpered, although Gimli wasn't paying that much attention to her anymore. His focus was on Legolas.
"I've been stealing your hair one a night for the past week. Tee hee!" he said, giggling fanatically and holding up both of his pinky fingers. Legolas could not believe what he was hearing.
"You LIE!" he bellowed, chucking the air bomb. Gimli hopped off of Arwens' head, avoiding the full force of the imaginary blast. Why they were even running away from it is a question that may never be answered. Arwen, who was furious at the attempt made at blowing her up, glared at her Grandmum Galadriel.
"SEE WHAT YOU STARTED WITH YOUR STUPID HAIR???" she shrieked, breaking several windows in the process. It didn't matter, though. Gimli had gone off the deep end. He held the many different strands of elf hair in his hands, gently petting them.
"I'll be rich..." he hissed, "I'll sell the hair to the highest bidder! Millions! Billions!" He pulled out four labeled jars and carefully started to put the hair into them. All this was done while muttering "My precious." over and over.
Sam looked over at Frodo, who was in turn warily eyeing Legolas, who appeared to be searching for more destructive air weapons.
"I'd say he's been around the ring too long."
At the very mention of the one ring, even though it had been barely audible, a sickly figure came slithering out of the shadows, which was actually near the table in the corner. Marius from the Les Miserables musical randomly appeared and began to sing "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables", prompted by that last line.
"At the table, in the corner, they could see a world re-bo-orn. And they rose, with voi-ces ringing. And I can heeeeear them now. The very words of our communion! Bec-"
Snape, who had never really favored Broadway, had seized a mug and had smashed Marius over the head with it. He crumbled to the floor and therefore quit singing. Of course, that sound had been much lovelier than what the audience was being forced to endure. The sickly figure, however, popped his head over the table.
"Heys! Wees likes that songs, precious!"
Snape rolled his eyes and groaned in exasperation.
"Oh, not you."
Gollum hissed at him.
"Yess, it's us, precious! Ands if yous don'ts likes it's, then BLAHHHHSSS!!!"
Snape put up his umbrella as Gollum screamed at him. He tended to spray it, not say it.
Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Malfoy were on the stage now, leaning on each other and apparently laughing at invisible beach balls. Snape glowered at them as he swept back to the karaoke machine. If his precious Malfoy hadn't been up there, he could have sold this to the Daily Prophet for filthy amounts of money. Rita Skeeter would have bought it from him, he was sure. He could have gotten that new juicer he had been eying. But alas, Malfoy had gotten himself drunk, and there was nothing Snape could do about it.
"What song are you going to painfully bombard our ears with, Potter?" he spat.
Harry grinned drunkenly.
"The jingle for goldfish! They smile..er.."
"Back!" cheered Ron.
Snape merely raised an eyebrow and searched for it in the large collection of songs. His mind had been completely changed. Malfoy or not, he was definitely getting footage of this.
The music started, and the four valiantly dived into it, but they kept skipping words and such.
"Here's our jingle for goldfish!" chortled Hermione.
"Flavor blasted goldfish!" shouted Malfoy.
"It's not flavor blasted, you.caramel toffee of a toothbrush! It's...er..."
"The wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their bums off!"
"With names like extra cheddar, and explosive pizza!"
"The snack that smiles back! GOLDFISH!!!" screamed Harry.
"Duh Dun Daa!" sang Ron, ending the miserable, mercifully short excuse for the jingle.
There was no applause. Snape hastily put away his camera. Merry and Pippin, who had found some spare microphones in the storeroom closet, were serving as the unofficial commentators for the evening. They were both wearing fluffy pink earmuffs that had been left over from Frodo and Legolas's little show.
"Well, from what we could hear, that was absolutely horrific," boomed Merry into the microphone, "I give it a one point five out of ten. What say you, Pippin?"
Pippin was in the midst of removing his earmuffs.
"Oh, what? Oh. Let's see."
He thought for a moment. It looked like he was putting quite a lot of effort into it.
"I give it a three. A nice, even number. (Merry groaned) Of course, our lot wasn't much better..."
Over at the Lord of the Rings table, Gandalf stood up and bellowed
"Fool of a Took!! I'd like to see you do better!"
Pippin stood up as well, even though he was much less imposing than Gandalf.
"And we will! C'mon, Merry!"
Merry clawed at the table as Pippin tried to drag him up to the stage.
"Pippin, are you MAD!?" he said, "We are NOT singing!"
"And why not? We have to show that wizard what we're made of!"
"No, really, Pip, we don't!" cried Merry as he lost his grip on the table. "Don't make me do this!"
Pippin, however, wasn't listening, much to Merry's dismay. He was grabbing anything he came into contact with, to try and prevent the doom that awaited him. Unfortunately, his fingers wrapped around Gollum's leg.
"Drats you, you stinksing little hobbiteses!" howled Gollum, "Always grabbsing onto poor us! We don'ts likes it!"
Merry was suddenly hit with an idea.
"Listen," he said, clutching another table, "If you replace me, I'll give you something."
Gollum narrowed his eyes.
"Whats, precious?"
"Er, what about some nice rabbit stew? With potatoes-"
"Po-tate-ohs!" yelled Sam
"-and sausages and nice crispy bacon? How'd you like that?"
Gollum stuck out his tongue.
"We wants fish."
Merry nodded. This wasn't going to be so hard.
"All right. I can get fish. Fish it is, then."
"And," Gollum grinned evilly, "The precious."
Merry's mouth dropped. He couldn't do that. But then again, if it saved him from singing...
"Oh, fine," he said, nervously glancing over at Frodo, "I'll get "the precious" for you. Just hurry up!"
In no time at all Gollum had switched places with Merry, and Pippin hadn't even noticed. He was still on his way to the stage. Merry, who was ice fishing out of a small bucket, was now trying to devise a way he could get the ring. This would be very difficult.
Pippin had now reached the microphone, Gollum standing innocently behind him.
"Hah, Gandalf!" he said, "We're going to kick your behind to the airport so it can get on a plane and fly to the moon, where we would have originally kicked it except hobbits aren't known for their kicking ability!"
The audience obviously hadn't understood any of it. Bilbo, who had just entered the pub, was the only one who applauded. It was almost as good as his "I know half of you half as well as I should like" speech. In his opinion, anyway.
"All righty then!" said Pippin, "Now, Merry and I-"
He got quite a shock when he turned around and saw Gollum, smiling sinisterly. As Pippin had been rendered speechless, Gollum stepped up to the microphone.
"Nows, we are goings to sings a song. Wees mades it ups ourselves, didn't we precious?"
He made the signature Gollum choking noise, and then proceeded to sing the "Rock and Pool" song.
"Rocks and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy SWEEEEEEEETS! We haves one wish, to catch a fish-"
Gollum then started to choke again. After a particularly loud cough something popped out of his mouth and into his hand.
"Whoa, what's this?" said Gollum, sounding quite a lot like Frank Sinatra, "A hairball?"
There was a very loud "Eeeeewwww!" from the audience.
"Well," said Gollum in his newly discovered nice voice, "I always wondered where that toupee went!"
The audience laughed hysterically, sounding quite a bit like those laugh tracks they have on desperate sitcoms. .
"Honestly though, folks, I'm gonna sing you a little tune tonight that you've probably all heard before," he looked earnestly out at the audience, plopping the toupee on his sad, bald little head, "I'd like to give this one to you guys. Hit it, Snape!"
Snape pressed the button, and then dived into his book: "Washing Your Hair for Dummies."
"Somewhere," sang Gollum, snapping his fingers to the snazzy big band jazz music, "Beyond the sea. Yeah. I'm gonna find you, just a wait and seeeeee..."
The audience (except of course the annoyed and jealous Fellowship) was really enjoying itself, as this was the only good act they'd seen all night. And of all people, it was Gollum who was entertaining them. Who would have thought? Suddenly, however, their bliss ended. Gollum stopped signing.
"No, that's not right." he said to himself. He then addressed the audience.
"Sorry folks, but I don't think singing is my true calling."
There was a loud, slow motion "Nooooooooo!"
"Hey! That's my line!" yelled Frodo, although no one was paying any attention to him. Gollum was talking again.
"I think that I'm meant for...." He pulled a curtain out of nowhere and ducked behind it. Two seconds later he emerged, wearing all black, a beret, sunglasses, and carrying bongos. He snapped his fingers once. "Poetry."
The audience, who had all suddenly become hipsters, snapped their fingers in an oh-so-deck form of applause (Deck is the hip word for cool, man) Gollum drummed on his bongos.
"Ahem," he said, "I'd like to read my poem now, cats. I call it "All These Stupid Things Are Actually Really Symbolic".
Bongo drums filled the air. Gollum started.
"Why do we all hide under our refrigerators? Waiting for a cheese puff to strike, As the pork roast cooks in the eternal crock-pot of inevitability As we watch it simmer with closed eyes, Hoping that someday, the seashells will rain down, And hit us on the head, And wake us up to the world we know is there, It's just invisible. Like the pork roast roasting, And the wooly mammoths running free, Someday, we will all have tusks."
The bongos stopped. The audience snapped their fingers wildly, but that sound was soon drowned out by the screams of hundreds of fan girls, who had just stormed into the Prancing Pony. They were very familiar fan girls, too...
"Wait a second!" cried Legolas, "Those are my fans! Why aren't they devoting their entire lives to me anymore!"
A fan girl heard him, and rolled her eyes.
"Like, you are so like five minutes ago," she said, "Gollum is, like, the new thing."
A girl next to her was twitching.
"He's.....so....HOT!" she shrieked, and then fainted from lack of oxygen.
"See?" said the first fan girl, "Gollum is, like, so much better than you it's, like, scary. I can't believe I, like, used to have a shrine devoted to you. That it so, like, fin."
"What about me?" said Frodo nervously, coming and standing next to Legolas, "I haven't been deserted too, have I?"
"Like, yeah!" piped up another fan girl, "You guys are, like, old news. And you weren't even that, like, handsome in the first place."
Frodo and Legolas gasped at exactly the same time. The main fan girl rolled her eyes.
"Like, unison is so outdated. Gollum is, like, so much deeper than that. He writes poetry..."
She began to drool. The other fan girls began to chant.
"Poetry! Poetry! Poetry!"
Suddenly Gollum appeared in front of Legolas and Frodo. Apparently he had been crowd surfing. The fan girls screamed, but Gollum silenced them with a snap of his fingers. Needless to say, the elf and the hobbit were intimidated.
"Well, well, well," said Gollum in a suave British accent, glancing over his deck sunglasses, "Look who doesn't have any fans? The two former Hottest Guys of Middle-Earth as voted by Gondor Girl magazine. Ha. That just makes me feel so good."
Frodo and Legolas glared at him. He didn't notice.
"Yes, coughing up that toupee really changed my life. I'm sane, beautiful and popular."
"Why don't you go steal Aragorn's fans, Gollum?" spat Legolas, "He won the title once, you know."
"When he was single," said Gollum, gesturing towards Arwen, who was evilly petting a nuclear warhead, "All his fans are determined to stay hidden, as they don't want to get blown up, and so I can't find any of them."
"I'm still trying to figure out how people can actually think that you're better looking than me and the elf," said Frodo, scratching his head "I mean, for the love of the Shire, you're gray and slimy and eat raw fish."
"Newsflash chaps," said Gollum matter of factly, "It's called sushi."
Legolas and Frodo stared blankly at him.
"It's Japanese!" said Gollum.
"Oh!" shouted Legolas happily, bouncing up and down. Apparently he had forgotten his current state of rage. "I know! I know! Karaoke is Japanese, too! I win!"
Frodo rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded like "Elven idiot" Gollum merely chuckled.
"Well lads," he said, "I have to be off. But before I leave, I want to give you something."
A fan girl came up with two brown paper grocery bags. They had eyeholes cut into them.
"You'll look so much better if you put these on. Toodaloo!"
With that he and the mass of fan girls left, leaving nothing behind but the bags. Frodo and Legolas picked them up, and, without knowing exactly why, miserably put them on their heads. Legolas immediately began to bawl his eyes out.
"It's not faaaaaair!" he wailed, "I'm not gorgeous anymore! WAAAAAAHH!"
Frodo handed him a Kleenex. Legolas took it and blew his nose, but was disgusted to find that his bag was now rather soggy. He had forgotten to take it off. This made him cry even louder.
"All we have to do is think of the positives!" said Frodo, who sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as Legolas. "What are some of the positives of wearing a brown paper bag over your head for the rest of your life?"
Legolas sniffed.
"No one can see you crying."
"Okay!" said Frodo, even though it wasn't very encouraging. Positives. Think of the positives. "That's good! Uh, no one can tell if you have a zit or not."
"Brown's a good color on me."
"Paper is better for the environment than plastic!"
"Yay trees!"
"You're supporting your local grocery store!"
"Paper is good for flawless complexions!"
"And no one can tell if you're embarrassed."
Legolas, his mood enormously improved, snickered and pointed up towards the stage.
"I know someone is going to be embarrassed soon," he said, "We've got singers."
A/N: And we have concluded chapter 3! Who are our next singers, anyway? Will the fangirls return? Wait and see! And I am open to song suggestions, just be warned that I may not use your idea. Chances are I won't do rap songs (I don't know anything from that particular genre) or country music, but I'm always up for a parody of that atrocious fluff they call pop. And I'm well aware that there are some similarities between Gollums' poetry reading and part of another story called Mr. Middle Earth (I've forgotten the authors' name) This was completely unintentional, and in fact I had actually just written that bit when my cousin e-mailed me the link to that story, saying it was excellent. Indeed it was, but unfortunately it has since been taken off this site. I'm not sure if the author is still here, but if she is, I apologize for the parallel and did not mean to copy her story in any way. Now that that's been said, I'll end this lengthy little note, and I hope that you take the time to review this story! Thanks to all! ^_^
~Kavindra