The cemetery was busy, busier than I had expected it to be. But then
again, he was loved by everyone. You couldn't not love the man who was my
husband. I sat in the car with Ellie watching everyone milling about. It
reminded me very much of Mark's funeral. Although this time around
everyone seemed shell shocked. When Mark died, we all knew it was going to
happen. This had blown everyone out of the water. I saw his parents
taking their seats and the spare seat beside them. It was for me. I just
couldn't bring myself to go out there just yet.
The chauffeur opened the door as I lifted Ellie into my arms. The day was warm but I had her wrapped in a one of John's grey cashmere sweater. His smell seemed to keep her calm. I certainly kept me calm all the times I had needed him. I stepped out of the car and squinted my eyes at the bright sunlight. Walking up to the grave site I could feel every set of eyes on me. They were all watching for a reaction, a tear, anything. I couldn't look anyone in the face, I quickly took my seat beside his father. Ellie had fallen asleep in my arms and hopefully she would stay that way, for if she woke, she would cry and that would set me off. I was determined not to cry. I wasn't used to showing emotion in front of these people.
"We are gathered here today to say good bye to a much loved man of our community. Doctor John Trueman Carter the third MD passed from this life into another a few days ago. He leaves behind him, his mother and father. Also his wife and young daughter. Young Ellie Trueman Carter met her father for just two days before he was cruelly taken from her."
When the minister said this I broke down. I couldn't take sitting there anymore. I stood and walked away from the grave site. I could here the minister stop. I could hear the small talk and someone walking up behind me. But I kept on walking, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I would deal with this in my own time. "I'll be fine." I said without looking back. "Go back, I'll be there in a minute. Tell the minister to continue." I brushed the tears away from my cheeks and snuggled Ellie closer to me. She took that moment to wake but instead of crying she just looked at me. "Everything will be okay baby. I promise you that." I kissed her little hand before walking back to the grave side. Taking my seat again Jack took my hand into his and gave it a squeeze. I glanced up to him and gave him a small smile.
The service continued and before long in came time to lower his coffin into the ground. I couldn't bear this part. I wasn't ready for him to be completely gone. I wanted to be in there with him. All three of us lying cuddled up in each others arms. Just like I had imagined. But no, the coffin began to lower and I could hear sobs from the people behind me. I still couldn't look anyone in the eye. I just held Ellie closer to me. She didn't know what was going on. I wish I was like her. She just looked at me with those eyes. They had a glint in them like she knew and was trying to tell me everything was going to be OK. Holding her I reached down under my chair and removed two roses. One red, one white. As everyone was beginning to leave I stayed in my seat. Maybe by the time I was back at the house I would be able to speak to people. Jack and Eleanor left me alone at the grave side so I could have a minute on my own. Eleanor offered to take Ellie but I couldn't let her out of my arms.
I stood and threw the two roses into the grave. "John you know that I'll always love you. I'll never love anyone as much as I love you. No- one will ever take your place. Not in my life or Ellie's. She is going to grow up knowing who her father was and how he was the best man in the whole world. Sweet dreams."
The chauffeur opened the door as I lifted Ellie into my arms. The day was warm but I had her wrapped in a one of John's grey cashmere sweater. His smell seemed to keep her calm. I certainly kept me calm all the times I had needed him. I stepped out of the car and squinted my eyes at the bright sunlight. Walking up to the grave site I could feel every set of eyes on me. They were all watching for a reaction, a tear, anything. I couldn't look anyone in the face, I quickly took my seat beside his father. Ellie had fallen asleep in my arms and hopefully she would stay that way, for if she woke, she would cry and that would set me off. I was determined not to cry. I wasn't used to showing emotion in front of these people.
"We are gathered here today to say good bye to a much loved man of our community. Doctor John Trueman Carter the third MD passed from this life into another a few days ago. He leaves behind him, his mother and father. Also his wife and young daughter. Young Ellie Trueman Carter met her father for just two days before he was cruelly taken from her."
When the minister said this I broke down. I couldn't take sitting there anymore. I stood and walked away from the grave site. I could here the minister stop. I could hear the small talk and someone walking up behind me. But I kept on walking, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I would deal with this in my own time. "I'll be fine." I said without looking back. "Go back, I'll be there in a minute. Tell the minister to continue." I brushed the tears away from my cheeks and snuggled Ellie closer to me. She took that moment to wake but instead of crying she just looked at me. "Everything will be okay baby. I promise you that." I kissed her little hand before walking back to the grave side. Taking my seat again Jack took my hand into his and gave it a squeeze. I glanced up to him and gave him a small smile.
The service continued and before long in came time to lower his coffin into the ground. I couldn't bear this part. I wasn't ready for him to be completely gone. I wanted to be in there with him. All three of us lying cuddled up in each others arms. Just like I had imagined. But no, the coffin began to lower and I could hear sobs from the people behind me. I still couldn't look anyone in the eye. I just held Ellie closer to me. She didn't know what was going on. I wish I was like her. She just looked at me with those eyes. They had a glint in them like she knew and was trying to tell me everything was going to be OK. Holding her I reached down under my chair and removed two roses. One red, one white. As everyone was beginning to leave I stayed in my seat. Maybe by the time I was back at the house I would be able to speak to people. Jack and Eleanor left me alone at the grave side so I could have a minute on my own. Eleanor offered to take Ellie but I couldn't let her out of my arms.
I stood and threw the two roses into the grave. "John you know that I'll always love you. I'll never love anyone as much as I love you. No- one will ever take your place. Not in my life or Ellie's. She is going to grow up knowing who her father was and how he was the best man in the whole world. Sweet dreams."