Back at the house I sat in the car for ages. I couldn't bring myself
to get out and go into that house. It was a house that was filled with
promises that would never be fulfilled. A house filled with memories.
Memories that I would never forget. Memories that were going o keep me
warm at night. Ellie looked snug in her car seat. So snug that moving her
would have been a crime, but I had the urge to have her in my arms. To
hold her, to kiss her soft cheek, to smell her baby scent. She had been
encased in John's sweater all day and when I held her close she smelt of
him. His cologne, the one his grandmother had bought him not long before
she died.
In the house people milled about, but thankfully no-one noticed me entering. At least I thought no-one had. I continued past the lounge and on up the stairs into Ellie's nursery. It was such a beautiful room, all done in cream and lemon, but John being who he was knew I was having a girl. We hadn't found out when I went for all my scans but he said he knew that she was going to be a girl. In honour of that he had painted butterflies all over the room. He said that if I was the tornado she would be his butterfly. "And you are." I said to Ellie, "you'll always be his butterfly." Ellie just stared at me, with a look on her face as if to say 'is this person for real.'
I stood beside the window looking out over the gardens. People were out on the patio talking, I could see Peter Benton and Cleo talking with Elizabeth and Kerry. It had been so long since I had seen any of these people, especially Peter and Cleo. I really would have to go and talk to them.
"Abby." The voice came from behind me. It belonged to Susan. She had come to find me. I knew that she meant well and it was probably her that came after me in the cemetery.
"hi Susan." My voice sounded suprisingly strong. I turned to face her. She smiled at me and Ellie before crossing the room to see us.
"Abby, how are you?" It was the question I had been dreading all day. I didn't want everyone asking me how I was, or how was I coping because I'm not coping. I'm living in a huge house that I don't really like. There are hundreds of people waiting to talk to me about how sorry they are my husband is dead. People wanting to hold my baby and say how much she looks like me when I know she looks like him in her own special way.
But I answered accordingly. "I'm fine." It was an out and out lie but Susan knew me and if I answered that she knew not to push it. "How are things going down there?"
"Okay. People are asking where you are? You ready to come down?" She looked at me with knowing eyes.
"I don't know Susan. I can't face everyone. I know I have to at some point but just now I can't." I could feel the tears in my eyes again and didn't' want her to see me cry.
"What if I came with you?" She asked looking me in the eye. Susan was such a good friend. She's been there for so much and now wanted to do this for me. I nodded placing Ellie in her crib, placing John's sweater on top of her and lifting the baby monitor. Susan placed her arm around me and led me towards the door.
At the door to the lounge I stopped. "Come on." Susan said leading me by the shoulder. I took my first tentative steps into the room. Everyone seemed to stop and look at me. I turned to Susan.
"I can't do this." I pleaded with her to let me go. I can't do this, please Lord let Ellie cry or something. I don't want to be here.
"Yes you can." Susan said leading me over to the doors leading out to the garden. I could hear muttering of people as we passed them, nothing I could make out though, just eyes staring at me.
"No I can't." I said as I ran from the room. My throat constricting as I ran for the stairs. I couldn't breathe. I only made it half way up before everything went dark.
In the house people milled about, but thankfully no-one noticed me entering. At least I thought no-one had. I continued past the lounge and on up the stairs into Ellie's nursery. It was such a beautiful room, all done in cream and lemon, but John being who he was knew I was having a girl. We hadn't found out when I went for all my scans but he said he knew that she was going to be a girl. In honour of that he had painted butterflies all over the room. He said that if I was the tornado she would be his butterfly. "And you are." I said to Ellie, "you'll always be his butterfly." Ellie just stared at me, with a look on her face as if to say 'is this person for real.'
I stood beside the window looking out over the gardens. People were out on the patio talking, I could see Peter Benton and Cleo talking with Elizabeth and Kerry. It had been so long since I had seen any of these people, especially Peter and Cleo. I really would have to go and talk to them.
"Abby." The voice came from behind me. It belonged to Susan. She had come to find me. I knew that she meant well and it was probably her that came after me in the cemetery.
"hi Susan." My voice sounded suprisingly strong. I turned to face her. She smiled at me and Ellie before crossing the room to see us.
"Abby, how are you?" It was the question I had been dreading all day. I didn't want everyone asking me how I was, or how was I coping because I'm not coping. I'm living in a huge house that I don't really like. There are hundreds of people waiting to talk to me about how sorry they are my husband is dead. People wanting to hold my baby and say how much she looks like me when I know she looks like him in her own special way.
But I answered accordingly. "I'm fine." It was an out and out lie but Susan knew me and if I answered that she knew not to push it. "How are things going down there?"
"Okay. People are asking where you are? You ready to come down?" She looked at me with knowing eyes.
"I don't know Susan. I can't face everyone. I know I have to at some point but just now I can't." I could feel the tears in my eyes again and didn't' want her to see me cry.
"What if I came with you?" She asked looking me in the eye. Susan was such a good friend. She's been there for so much and now wanted to do this for me. I nodded placing Ellie in her crib, placing John's sweater on top of her and lifting the baby monitor. Susan placed her arm around me and led me towards the door.
At the door to the lounge I stopped. "Come on." Susan said leading me by the shoulder. I took my first tentative steps into the room. Everyone seemed to stop and look at me. I turned to Susan.
"I can't do this." I pleaded with her to let me go. I can't do this, please Lord let Ellie cry or something. I don't want to be here.
"Yes you can." Susan said leading me over to the doors leading out to the garden. I could hear muttering of people as we passed them, nothing I could make out though, just eyes staring at me.
"No I can't." I said as I ran from the room. My throat constricting as I ran for the stairs. I couldn't breathe. I only made it half way up before everything went dark.