Terra Feles 64: Memory 119
You let your kin see you in all your wickedness. Are you happy with yourself now?
The warrior grits her teeth. Of course she isn't happy. She is disgusted. Disgusted by what she has done- of what she has become.
You betrayed the clan that protected you. You went against the very rules that raised you. And you hurt those who nurtured you.
Even when she knows it's futile, a part of her still wishes to justify herself. To explain how her transgressions had been done for the sake of her clan. But her conscience drowns out any possibility of dissent.
There's no use for excuses. You were born a code-breaker. Your crimes were only a matter of time.
All her life, she had followed the warrior code. Patrol after patrol, lecture after lecture, battle after battle, her only goal had been to benefit ThunderClan, as her duty demanded. Even in times of uncertainty, she had pushed on, honouring the traditions of her great ancestors. She had carried the weight of their legacy on her shoulders and more, so much more, for the sake of her clanmates and kin. And yet, all it took to tear that whole life down was one truth.
Just one- and that had been enough to break her.
Your father is a WindClan warrior. Your real mother was a ThunderClan medicine cat. They were never meant to become mates, and she was never meant to bear offspring. All of it was against the warrior code, but they hid it well, didn't they? All your devotion to the warrior code, and you never realized how you exist only as a violation of it.
The warrior presses harder on her steps. Trapped in her thoughts, she fails to notice a root on her path and trips. The momentum sends her rolling into the shadows of the dense foliage.
When she opens her eyes again, she finds herself lying beside rock walls that mark the bottom of a steep slope. Blades of grass soak her face in morning dew. Sunrise is approaching- and so are her brothers. She can't see them yet, but she can hear their voices echoing through the forest. Louder and closer with each call.
She hauls herself back to her feet. A throbbing pain has taken over her left shoulder. Warm blood drips into her front paws. Something sharp must have sliced the skin open during her fall. Taking heaving breaths, the warrior observes her surroundings. A forest that she can no longer run across stretches out in every direction. She wouldn't make it far if she were to try sneaking away. The scent of her blood would be hard to miss, plus the coming sunlight would make it impossible to conceal her pelt among the shadows. She needs a better solution.
You've lived in this forest your entire life. You should already know how to pass right under your clanmates' noses.
The warrior understands the directive. She takes a moment to examine the terrain. It's an area that she can recognize from her countless patrols, and as such, she knows where to go next. As fast as her wound allows her, she gets closer to the slope and moves along the stone walls. It doesn't take her long to find what she's looking for: A burrow hidden under a pile of loose rocks. She and her brothers had explored that same opening on the ground when they were all apprentices, discovering soon that it led to an interconnected tunnel system that could take them anywhere in ThunderClan territory. Perhaps even beyond.
You can descend into these tunnels now and exile yourself before anyone can stop you. It's perfect.
The warrior agrees, but as she peers into the indiscernible depths of the tunnel, she can't help but consider the option of turning back. Perhaps it will be better if she gets taken back to ThunderClan so her leader can be her judge. There has to be more honour in the shame of being exiled than in the cowardice of running away.
Do you really expect them to go so easy on you? There's no way that you will be allowed to live. Your misdeeds warrant nothing short of an execution.
The warrior grunts as she looks up the slope, unsure if she will even be able to make her choice before her brothers show up.
"They wouldn't go that far. Warriors don't punish their clanmates with death."
Perhaps your mother should've reminded you of that when you sneaked into her den.
A sudden chill takes over the warrior's paws. She stammers.
"It… It was an accident. I- I didn't mean to-"
Don't lie to yourself. We both know that revealing her lies wasn't enough for you. You wanted her to really face the consequences of her actions.
The chilling sensation rises up her legs as if she was steadily being submerged in a freezing lake. She remembers what it had been like to stand above every other clan cat and expose her parents as code-breakers, and her brothers as half-clan spawns. At that moment, it had felt like a truly righteous act- a necessary sacrifice to redeem herself in the eyes of her ancestors. But the feeling didn't last long. There was more to be done. Justice needed to be served. It had to be.
She had to be punished for everything. For breaking the code, for lying to her sons and daughter throughout their whole lives, for betraying you. You wanted her to suffer, didn't you?
Frozen in place and utterly devoid of a noble answer, the warrior's mouth can only quiver as she hears one final sentence.
And in the end, you got exactly what you wished for.
A flash of movement catches her eye. Her brothers have arrived. The golden cat is already scampering his way down the slope, yelling for her.
"Hollyleaf, are you injured? There's blood on your-"
The cold makes her throat burn when she howls out.
"Stay away from me!"
The golden cat skids to a halt, stunned by the sudden order.
"It's Alright- it's alright. I'm not taking another step if you don't want to, I promise."
He turns to his brother for a moment, then back to Hollyleaf.
"But could you at least let Jayfeather examine your wounds?"
She doesn't reply, and neither does Jayfeather. His glassy eyes remain locked on Hollyleaf until she realizes that, soon enough, there will be nothing left for him to see in her.
Once he is done gazing, he lets out only a single phrase.
"Let her go, Lionblaze."
The golden cat stares back at Jayfeather.
"What?"
"She wants to get as far away from ThunderClan as she can. We should comply."
The tone with which the reply is uttered reveals no sympathy, and Lionblaze's eyes become as wide as amber moons.
"Are you out of your mind? How can you even say such a thing?"
Because he knows that his sister is a murderer.
As the weight of those words sinks her heart to the ground, Hollyleaf notices one of Jeayfeather's ears flicking ever so slightly. She is left with no doubt that he can sense the presence of her invisible commander.
Instead of answering Lionblaze's question, Jayfeather asks Hollyleaf one thing.
"How could you?"
His question carries with it the most honest sense of confusion that Hollyleaf has ever seen him express. Even when he knows exactly how she felt all along her descent into desperate measures, her brother doesn't understand how she brought herself to commit the most heinous act that anyone could ever do.
Contemplating that seething perplexity is enough to overwhelm Hollyleaf. Devoid of any explanation or justification, she lowers her head in defeat.
That's when she sees the fog for the first time.
A black cloud wafting from the bellows of the tunnel, like the exhale of a giant, underground beast. Gaseous tendrils reaching out from the shadows, silently wrapping themselves around her body with their cold embrace. A smell of death, rot and decay engulfing the entire forest, reminding her of the inescapable fate that awaits every living being.
If you truly wish to atone for your misdeeds, then you already know what you must do. Do not waste this chance.
Hollyleaf closes her eyes. Almost without thought, she begins limping towards the tunnel entrance, and she can't stop herself, even when Lionblaze hollers.
"Wait- Don't go!"
She hears him running towards her. His haste brings with it a myriad of clatters, as the loose rocks begin rolling down faster than Lionblaze can catch up.
It takes Hollyleaf a few moments to realize that she's about to get crushed. Before she can stumble back to safety, an unseen force pulls her forward, hurling her into the fog as the deafening crash of earth and stone seals her from the forest, the clans and her kin.
When the dust settles and her ears stop ringing, the warrior finds her way out completely blocked. With no other route to take, she begins hobbling along the tunnel, further descending into a world of darkness.
There is no turning back now, Hollyleaf. Where you're going, there is no rule against what you are.
She hears her conscience once again. This time, it is reverberating all across the tunnel, as if the voice belonged to an entity that lurked outside the confines of her mind.
And no shame in being a killer…