Most of the characters belong to E L James

"How do you feel about visiting her, Christian? I mean, her grave."

Christian swallowed, he still felt uncomfortable when his therapist put him in the position of deciding. He has been to therapy for the last month, and they were mostly revisiting his story before being adopted. "I don't know," he replied.

"You have had problems with closure in your life, the root to that might be her," added his therapist. "You couldn't defend yourself as a little kid, the person who was supposed to protect you neglected you, and then she died of an overdose. You were young but old enough to remember, and you have held those feelings your entire life. You were adopted by a loving family, but then you have felt betrayed by your parents, and you have avoided them since then."

Christian could only pay attention to the words said to him.

The therapist continued, "you think you met the love of your life, but then you separated, and you never said a proper goodbye to each other, she just cut you off and you never recovered, when you thought you could have her back, she left you again. You felt so broken that you, without realizing it, started to repeat your birth mother's patron."

"So, you mean everything is related."

"What I mean is, perhaps, you are not good at confronting endings because you could never confront your birth mother. You loved your mother as any kid does, but you felt unwanted and unloved. You managed to understand her a little bit when you had your own episode with sedatives, and you made your peace with that part of the story. You can heal one step at a time, you can close the first chapter of your life and move on to the next one." They stayed quiet for a moment while Christian meditated on the words.

"You took your time to ask for a divorce, but how did you feel when you talked to Jessica about that?" asked the therapist.

"I was relieved. In peace," replied Christian.

"That's what closure does."

"I'll think about it," answered Christian.

The therapist nodded.

Christian has kept his word for respect to Ana, but especially for respect to John. That didn't mean he didn't worry about them, on the contrary, Christian has done everything in his power to help them, without them knowing. Kate was keeping him posted. Ana was fine, John on the other hand, was starting to deal with frequent headaches.

When his sister-in-law told him they were selling their apartment on Escala it took Christian a quick phone call to buy it. This was a great decision because he needed a place to live. He had moved two weeks ago. That meant he was close to Violet; and they could keep avoiding the press. They have managed to keep the divorce a secret so far. His father's law firm would usually take care of his personal affairs, but he didn't trust him anymore. The lawyers at GEH were handling everything related to the divorce. Christian hadn't talked to his parents in a month.

On the other hand, he had fixed his relationship with Elliott. The brothers and Ros were sharing time together and hanging out as they used to. They were a fundamental part of his healing process since Christian had started therapy because they had always been his support group.

Christian was taking care of himself again. He has focused on his hobbies and was working out. He was reading more for pleasure rather than work. He had realized that he had stopped doing many things he enjoyed, and he was missing out on life for being absorbed in an unwanted relationship with Jessica and obsessed for so many years with the idea of getting back with Ana.

Jessica and he were in a good spot now, they had become good friends. They would take Violet together to the park at least once a week. Violet was staying with him only for the weekends for now, so they would not make the separation process for her too hard. This arrangement was good for Jessica. She was enjoying some time alone and getting her life back after being forced to stay married to Christian and felt good about not having the pressure of pretending.

Christian was going to therapy twice a week. The truth is that after the episode he had, he barely had the need of having drugs, he knew he really didn't need them, but the depression on the other hand was something he had carried for a while. He had many things that put him in that place that he had never dealt with starting with his birth mother. He was slowly learning to speak about his feelings.

Christian missed Ana, day and night. He didn't have any pictures of her to look at. He had her number, but he thought calling her was breaking his word. Christian was very conscious that John was dealing with something devastating, but when he said goodbye there was something on his face that Christian couldn't forget, John was a man in peace. He had said he had always admired him, only because of his decisions in business. Would have that been the case if he knew I tried to end my life, he thought, a person that was literally waiting to die. Closure thought Christian again. The word kept haunting him, he felt the need to talk to John, because he felt guilty, and the situation with Ana had nothing to do with that. He felt like he owed John an apology because when he was receiving the news of an imminent dead Christian was thinking of stopping living.

A month later, Christian was alone in his house, he was looking at himself in the mirror, something his therapist recommended. "Don't avoid looking at yourself. Sometimes it is harder to say things to ourselves, because forgetting ourselves is harder than forgetting others," has said the therapist. The process of healing his mind wasn't easy. It was true that after the episode of drugs he felt more empathy with his birth mother, he could have had the same consequences, he wanted to forget, to erase everything. "I wanted to kill myself "he said in a whispered to himself, for the first time out loud, "and if Jessica hadn't arrived in time, I could have died two months ago leaving my daughter behind."

Realization hit him, just as it did when he went to the orphanage with Taylor. He went to his office; he checked the paperwork that was given to him years ago when curiosity won him, and he asked to investigate his birth mother. He had documents about her, he had the address of her resting place. It was time.

Mia and Christian walked to the stone together. He needed the support of someone, he didn't want to go through that alone and his sister was happy to offer him support. When they reached her place, he stood still for a moment. Nobody has been there in a very long time, perhaps, this was the first time someone was visiting her grave. He bent on one knee and with his hand cleaned the dirt on the stone. Then he placed a bucket of flowers on her grave.

Mia grabbed his shoulder comforting him.

"It took me a while to get here…," started Christian talking in a very low voice. "I'm not sure if you are in a place where you can hear me. I hope you do…," he sigh. "I want to say I forgive you... It took me a while to understand you, but now I know…, you didn't have anyone to stop you from what you did, I fortunately did... I'm sorry I judged you... I loved you…," he said, cleaning a tear falling from his eye. "I think I still do; I always think of you, I have memories…, not many, but enough to remember that in your own way you cared for me... I always remember the smell of chocolate cake..." Christian's voice broke. "I've missed you…, and I hope wherever you are now, you can find your peace..." He got up and Mia hugged him.

Another month passed; Christian was dealing with the decision of talking to his parents. If he could forget Ella, he could forget them too, but it was hard to think they had made Jessica stick to an unwanted marriage. He shook his head, not today, he thought, he couldn't deal with that right now. He was arriving at the building from a mandatory conciliation meeting with the lawyers, it was clear they were decisive about the divorce. They had filed for divorced two months ago, and now they only needed to wait for the judgment, but that could take months. They have decided on a 50 50 custody.

Kate presented a statement on their behalf in the newspapers. The news had traveled fast; it even made it to the other side of the country. She was at his apartment that day, they were alone in his office, Christian was grateful for her taking care of the media situation.

"There's something I need to tell you," she said, after they had reviewed a few articles in the press.

Christian looked at her.

"Promise me you won't do anything stupid" added Kate.

Christian worried, he nodded.

"I spoke to Ana yesterday. John spent a few days in the hospital last week, but he is fine, the doctors said that perhaps he will live a few more months than expected."

"Why would I do something stupid about that? I'm happy for him," said Christian.

"That's not the news I need to give you." Kate got up and walked from side to side, thinking in the best way of saying it.

"Is something wrong… with her?" He asked worried, he wouldn't say Ana's name out loud.

"Not wrong, but I thought you should know," Kate swallowed. "Ana... is pregnant," she said.

Christian got up now, not saying anything for a moment. His heart was pounding, and his breathing was agitated now, a dark thought came to his mind, he run his fingers through his hair, breathe deeply, has said his therapist, you need to breath and relax, feel your body alive, feel your fingers and your toes. "How long is she?" he asked calmer than he expected.

"Three months," Kate replied.

His math was quick, he knew that their baby had been conceived in that apartment. You have a daughter too, he thought, relax. Think about Violet.

"Could it be yours...?" dared Kate to ask, worried Christian would react badly if it was his.

"What!" He said looking at her offended but then he softened his stare. He sigh. "I wish...," he answered in a whisper, "we never got to..."

Kate nodded. "I'm sorry..., I know this must hurt you a lot. They are very happy. This means a lot to John and his family."

"Of course it does!" He replied. "Thank you for letting me know." Christian was feeling more relax, he couldn't be selfish, but he was angry of his reaction.

"They are moving to John's parents' house this week, just in case something happens."

"Do you think they need something?" Said Christian looking out the window from his office. Sadness in his voice.

"Not really. John is hoping he can live six more months, they only wish for more time so he can meet the baby. Can you buy them time?" said Kate knowing Christian didn't mean that.

Christian sigh and thought for a moment. "You know what?"

"Can you?" She said surprised. Kate knew Christian had paid a lot of money to get John's results from the hospital and had sent them to important universities and eminences of the world to get an opinion, but they all had the same answer. He was going out of his range to help Ana, but he hadn't been successful.

"I read this science paper once, about people who are happy, live longer." Perhaps this could be his way of reaching him.

"What do you have in mind?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm not sure yet. Can you get me the address?"

"You promised me you wouldn't do anything stupid."

"Haven't I behaved myself?" he asked.

"I have to give you that one..." Kate sigh. "I'll get it for you," she replied. "I have to tell you something else, but this is about me."

"I'm listening," said Christian, he sat down on the couch.

"It's more of a confession, but also I could use your advice."

Christian looked at her confused.

"I used to be Jessica's friend. Before she got pregnant, I heard a conversation she had on the phone, I never told you about it, I didn't have the information we have now."

"What did you hear?" he tensed.

"She was talking on the phone, and she said she would do anything to keep married to you. When she got pregnant, I confronted her, but she said I misunderstood everything. Back then she was helping her sister to start her business. I thought she was with you for money."

"Why would she say that, though?" asked Christian, "she wanted to divorce me too."

"She was talking to your father, now I know." She said.

"Oh..." replied Christian.

"He told us the other day we were having lunch. She lied to him while she was trying to get pregnant to divorce you. He said he is really sorry, because he could have stopped everything before she needed to get pregnant, he thinks he made everything worse."

"So you never asked her," said Christian ignoring the part that mentioned his father.

"No. I stopped being her friend."

"But you never confirm if she was taking advantage of my money."

"I didn't."

"So you just took my side without even knowing?"

"I guess I did."

"Interesting," he said. "I guess you are loyal," said Christian kidding and he laughed.

Kate looked at him surprised at his reaction. "So you do not blame her?" asked Kate.

"For what?"

"For signing that contract, for having Violet?"

"How could I blame her; Violet is the best thing in my life. I can only blame other people for that."

"Will you forgive them or at least talk to them?" Kate knew her parents in law were in a lot of pain.

"I think this is the topic you wanted to reach," said Christian a bit annoyed now. "Kate, you don't see what they did to me, to her!"

"You should at least let them explain themselves."

"I'm not ready."

"Ok. I understand. But you should know they miss you."

"I don't want to say things to them that I might regret later, and I'm not ready for that because later I would have to forgive myself and that is even harder."

"Wow." Kate was impressed.

"What?" He asked her.

"You are becoming wiser since you have been to therapy."

Christian relaxed and laughed again.

"And you laugh more too." She said serious now. "I hope you can also see the changes in yourself."

"I do," replied Christian. "I feel like I got a chance to fix my life, but it isn't easy when it comes to making choices. And I feel like I'm overthinking everything, but I after all that has happened, I deserve to at least have the right to overthink."

"I understand. Do you think you don't trust people like you used to."

"Not others, I feel I don't trust myself. I'm afraid I'll act again like I did three months ago. And since you needed my advice, I think you need to apologize to Jessica, if I don't blame her neither should you."

"I will, but Christian, you forgave your birth mother, it's time for you to forgive yourself too."

Christian didn't reply, every time he thought about forgiveness he would think of John. How could he say that to Kate. He didn't. He rather keep that to himself. He was happy he could confine in Kate for things related to Ana.

"There's something I need to discuss," said Christian to his therapist. "I haven't been able to sleep properly, and I need to do something about this. I need you to help me!" Said Christian with a desperate tone of voice. A week has passed since the talk with Kate.

"I will try to help you, tell me why you aren't sleeping." The therapist was ready with a notepad in hand paying attention.

"I had an idea, but then I thought it was a stupid idea because I was being a bit narcissist and also because in the back of my mind, I know I'm doing it for something selfish." Christian said this very fast, and the edge of his seat.

"An idea related to what?" the therapist asked calmed.

Christian got up and walked around the room, "an idea about John…" Christian sigh. "I feel guilty," he said finally. "I have been feeling guilty for the past three months."

"Don't you think you are being too hard to yourself? Ana and you only flirted, but you didn't do more than that. Everything that happened was more platonic than real."

"IS NOT THAT, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANA!" He shouted. Christian kept walking from side to side, breathing heavily. He added now still loud but not shouting, "I feel guilty because I wish I could give him time! And I can't! And nothing I have tried has worked!" He was trying to sooth his voice. "I feel guilty because I keep thinking of the parallel of our lives. Both in love with the same woman. Both in the business world, and then I almost killed myself when he was receiving the news that he was dying. I feel guilty because he said he admired me, but how could he admire me, a man that wanted to take his own life. And I keep thinking I should apologize. And then the only idea that occurs to me to give him time is going to see him and tell him he is the better man." Christian sat down again and cover his face with his hands. "The only idea I can come up with is giving John a good time while he still can enjoy his life, but how do I keep away from Ana? How do I know I won't do anything stupid that can make everything worse?"

"I think you should give yourself some credit. You have accomplished a lot in the last three months. Why do you think you need to apologize to him and don't think you need to forgive yourself?"

Christian thought for a moment. "Because I need to get rid of the guilt first."

"You should do it then." Replied the therapist.

"Excuse me?" said Christian surprised.

"You must understand something, making a bad decision is better than not deciding at all. If you think this is what you need to take a step on your healing process, you should do it."

Christian swallowed. He was not expecting this. He should continue with his plan, he needed to trust himself. "I will then," he said, "I know it sounds crazy, but this could be another closed chapter, I need closure with him."

Thank you all so much for reading and for your nice reviews. I hope you enjoy this chapter.