Chapter 51 Parting is such a bitter sorrow, not sweet like they used to say.
A/N: Listened to a couple of songs while I was writing this, but this is the one stuck in my mind stubbornly, washing over the rest. Just like Kylie Minogue's "Can't get you out of my head", you know, the "nah nah nah" part? What is it about pop music and it's persistence in staying put in your head? Brainwashing? Didn't help that there was a movie to go along with the song hah.
I could stay awake just to hear you
breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
- Excerpt from "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"
Sung by the distinctive voice
of Aerosmith's Steve "Ain't his lips thick" Tyler
By the way… this chapter is reaaaaally long. The longest, I ain't kidding you. I hope you don't fall asleep while reading. I was shocked when I did the word count, and came to six thou plus (holy shit! 9171 words!) even though it was only ¾ through… ehhhh… I always thought my last chapter would be long, but this far exceeds my expectations… Maybe that's why I took so damn long to write it. (That's four longs, no, five in a row!) In order to help you keep track of the chapter in case you get lost amidst all those words, or decided to read it split into parts, I have numbered the sections. There are twelve of them, so you just need to remember which section you had stopped, then continue from there.
WL43
***************(i) ***************
"Damien…"
He turned back, and looked questioningly at Zell.
"I have something to ask you…"
Damien's expression hardly changed.
"Are you and Celestine hiding something from me?"
"What makes you think that way?"
"I can sense it." Zell seized at the collar of Damien's robe, trying to intimidate him with his aggression. "You don't fool me at all." He growled.
Damien was unfazed.
"You're being overtly sensitive." He said with a dismissive air, resuming his walk towards the tent entrance.
No, I'm not!
But it's obvious I won't be finding out from him.
"Why don't you ask Celestine then?"
Yeah… maybe I will.
Thanks.
* * * * * * * * * * (ii) * * * * * * * * * *
"Hey guys! One last song, and the band will be wrapping it up. So enjoy to the last beat, okay?"
"Yeah!"
Selphie scurried down the stage, and saw Irvine waiting for her with waiting arms.
"What?" She giggled.
"Dance with me?"
"Like I've been doing that all evening!"
"This one's different… our song!"
She listened attentively to the opening chords of the song, her eyes lighting up when she recognized it.
"Yeah, it is! C'mon!"
She dragged him towards the dance floor, where many couples were already starting to put their arms around each other for a cheek-to-cheek.
They put their arms around each other snugly, swaying to the rhythm of "their" song.
The soft lighting in the hall gave her features an enchanting glow, framing her pretty face in a delicate way. He could not help but be mesmerized by her, especially when she looked upon him with sparkling eyes that spoke of her own tenderness for him.
With a contented sigh, she leant her body fully into him and laid her cheek onto his chest.
"S…sefie… I… err…"
"Yeah?" She lifted her head, puzzled by his hesitation.
"Will you…"
"You're mumbling! Speak louder!"
Irvine glanced at the ceiling, taking in a deep, deep breath.
This is going to be hard…
"Will you… m-"
A loud yell from a couple on the other side of the dance floor erupted, cutting off his stuttering.
Many heads turned in shock at the unexpected noise, and saw the male walk away from his partner, leaving her standing alone with a hapless expression.
"Zell!" Selphie ran after him, shouting at him to stop.
She returned a minute later, shaking her head gravely when her shout did little to hinder his exit.
"What's wrong with him?" She asked.
"I have no idea…" Irvine said, vexed that the atmosphere a second ago had been spoilt by Zell.
I guess it'll have to wait then…
Nice going, Zelly!
* * * * * * * * * * (iii) * * * * * * * * * *
"Shall we, M'lady?" Zell extended an arm to Celestine, who looked at him in amusement.
"Why so proper all of a sudden?"
Zell only grinned mysteriously, as if he was holding back a big juicy secret.
"Lead the way, Hero!" Celestine laughed and took his hand.
He led her towards a less crowded spot on the dance floor, and pulled her lightly into an embrace.
"You know, it's been a while since we danced." She said, enjoying the feel of his arms around her.
"Afraid I might step on your feet?"
"No… I'm too nimble for that, although you do have a tendency to stumble."
"Hey, that's not fair—"
"Shh…" She kissed him softly, encircling her hands around his neck to bring him closer to her.
His left hand slid down from her shoulder to join with the other around her waist.
She closed her eyes, and rested her head against his shoulder.
This will be my last dance with him… surely.
But how I wish it could last forever…
She sighed inaudibly at her yearning thoughts, knitting her eyebrows together when a strange sense of dread washed over her.
They did not speak for a while, basking in the sweetness of their intimacy, lost in their perfect little world.
He broke the silence first, reluctantly.
"Celestine?"
"Hmmm…?"
"Are you unhappy?"
Her head jerked up upon hearing his question. "Why do you ask?"
"Cos you're sighing a lot these days."
"I like sighing." She smiled feebly, disliking how weak her excuse sounded even to her ears.
"Yeah right. And I like being called Chicken-wuss."
She gave off a dry, hollow laugh.
"Don't laugh! Babe, you shouldn't hide anything from me, even if it's the worst kind of news!"
"I'm not hiding anything!"
Not hiding anything, yeah right! That's a load of sh*t! She knows it, and I sure as hell know it!
I'm gonna force it out of her if that's the last thing I do!
"Don't lie to me." His grip on her waist tightened sharply.
"Zell… it hurts!"
"STOP AVOIDING THE ISSUE!" He yelled, attracting many stares from the other couples around them.
He drilled his gaze into hers, for once a change from his amicable self – as if his shadow had taken over the control of his actions and thoughts.
She lowered her head, trying to avoid meeting his eyes with her uneasy ones. Each time she looked into them, she swore she could taste a hint of blood at the back of her throat, signaling that her heart could not take any more of the maiming she had unwittingly subjected it to.
"Zell…"
"Am I that hard to trust?"
He gripped her by the shoulders, shaking her so violently that her teeth rattled and chafed against each other in her mouth.
"AM I? TELL ME!" He released his hold on her, and let his hands fall to his side, his fist clenching and unclenching as he waited impatiently for her answer.
She gave no reply - not even a faint whisper. She only stood there with her head bowed.
"And I thought we had… something." His voice was cracked, full with a burden that left him aching.
Her head snapped up at his last words. She so wanted to tell him that they still had that something…
But her tongue stubbornly refused to cooperate with her demands, lying unyieldingly in her mouth like a rod of steel.
He turned on his heel, and walked away from her, away from the gaping crowd, and the shouts of his friends telling him to stop.
She stared at his back all the time. It looked cold… and harsh… as if shouting out to her that 'He doesn't care for you any more."
He's walking away…
For once, she was completely torn. One part of her was urging her to chase after him, and yet the other told her to let him be.
Everyone had stopped to witness the dramatic exit of Zell Dintch, except for the band, which bravely continued playing despite the obvious lack of interest from the guests.
She could not move at all.
He didn't even give me a chance to explain!
She could not understand why he was so angry at her… did he know something? Could he?
Damien approached her silently, and led her away, sitting her down in a quiet corner.
She stared up at him.
I don't know what to do…
"Tell him."
* * * * * * * * * * (iv) * * * * * * * * * *
She had seen him rush out of the emergency exit as she went after him. But she stopped short of going through it, hesitating for no apparent reason.
Her feet were heavy, making the act of moving forward too strenuous.
Maybe I should let him go…
She could not fathom her sheer weakness, or the lily-livered Celestine that had recently emerged to replace the normal one since she returned from the meeting.
She had faced much worst decisions before, hadn't she?
No… nowhere near this difficult.
Cos he won't be around to hold your hand.
He won't be there to smile at you, and tell you how mu—
"So are you willing to tell me now?" His voice rudely barged itself into her internal rambling, kickstarting her pulse to race about like a speed-runner on steroids.
Zell stood at the exit, the door half-open due to his physical presence near its sensor.
She looked at him wordlessly, her eyes imploring him not to force her.
"Or are you running away again?" He ignored her plea, fiercely grabbing her arm and pulling her into the open area.
"Zell… you're hurting me!"
"Hurting you? What about you hurting me with your secrets!"
She trembled at his rage, at the face that was twisted beyond recognition by the fury of its owner.
She didn't know this Zell at all! What happened to the Zell who would never dream of raising her voice at her, much less grab her in such a rough manner?
She cowered before him, her guilt, her pain, all stabbing at her with deadly accuracy.
And then the tight clamp she had been so determined to place over her emotions was wiped out by this inexplicable anger that equally matched that of Zell's… only it was anger at her helpless situation, and not at him.
Even so… she could not restrain herself from lashing out at him. Even when she knew it was wrong, even when she knew he was the worst victim of the whole affair.
Even when she knew it would do nothing but hurt both of them. Still she lost control.
"What do YOU know?" She pulled her arm out of his grip, and pushed him with the same hand.
He stumbled back, caught unawares by her abrupt change in disposition, his mouth wide open but nothing coming out of it. His own anger was but a distant memory now, chased away by the seamless shift in her temperament.
"If you're so insistent on knowing, fine!"
Her next words were tainted with a weariness that seemed to have stemmed from the very marrow of her bones.
"I'm tired.
Let's break it off."
"Break what off?" Trepidation filled his tone, restricting the sound from his throat to a pitiful croak. An answer suggested itself in the back of his mind, discreetly nudging away the other thoughts that was clouding the space.
NO… Don't wanna hear—
"Let's split."
"You can't be serious!"
"Oh, but I am. I no longer have the patience to baby-sit you and your immature ways!"
"I don't underst—"
"Of course you wouldn't! You never did understand anything!"
"What the hell do you mean by that?"
"All you ever think about is yourself! You, your hotdogs, your Combat Kings, your moves, whatever! I've grown to despise it!" I didn't mean to say that! What's coming over me?
"That's not true at all."
"And… I was never that serious about you." I wish… I didn't have to resort to this…
"What?"
Hyne… help me through with this…
"Your feelings for me… they are nothing more than a burden now."
She turned away from him, preparing to leave.
"But… you said you loved me…"
The hurt in his voice was palpable, cutting straight into her mind regardless of the barriers she had erected to fend it off.
Let me be strong…
"Not anymore."
She shook her head, with her back still facing him.
"I don't believe you!" He went up to her, and tried to reach for her hand.
"I'm sorry… but it's over."
There was at least some regret in her words – he could hear it. And this made it all the more difficult for him to accept her decision to break up with him.
She moved towards the exit. She wanted to avoid any kind of contact with him, and get away as fast as she could.
"Then why won't you face me? Cos you're lyin'!" He shouted, still clinging on to a thin sliver of hope that she would turn back, and tell him that this was all a joke, that she was sorry, that she still loved-
But it was shredded into millions of invisible particles that drifted into the air, when she turned and faced him.
Her demeanor had changed drastically… it was not the warm one he had grown so used to… not the one that would radiate with loveliness whenever she sighted him.
It was one of coldness, one that even Shiva could not match with her Diamond Dust.
"I don't love you anymore." Her gaze was unwavering. He could not detect a hint of falseness, or indecision in it.
"Why?"
"There is no why."
He fell back to the ground, landing with a bump on his rear end, and remained motionless for a long time, staring blankly into the empty space that had previously been occupied by her.
* * * * * * * * * * (v) * * * * * * * * * *
"What's going on? Tell us!"
Damn! He was careless enough to be forced into this tight corner, and now he had to tell them all that he knew of, if he wanted to leave the place in one piece. He mentally scolded himself for being stupid, for allowing them to trap him. Now he had to bear the consequences.
He had landed himself in hot soup - he had little doubt about it.
He had to admit though, that Ms. Selphie was extremely proficient in drawing information from others. It was no wonder then that she had been assigned to the intelligence squad during her SeeD Exam in Dollet.
Maybe it would be better to tell them the truth and save myself a load of worries… even if she does object to others knowing.
"Alright, as you wish. I shall tell you everything tomorrow."
It is my mouth after all.
"Tomorrow? Why? Tell us now!" Selphie demanded, swiftly reducing the distance between them.
However, he was as steady as the Shumi Mountains in a wintry storm, not lifting even an eyebrow at her method of intimidation.
"Ms. Selphie, the news that I will divulge to you isn't a laughing matter. I would much rather announce it when my Master and Lady are present as well!"
"He has a point, Sefie." Irvine placed an arm on her shoulder to calm her down.
"It's about Celestine, isn't it?" Rinoa spoke slowly, as if trying to ascertain something she had suspected all along. "Cos she's not herself lately."
"Even I had sensed it…" Squall nodded thoughtfully. "…and I'm certain Zell has too…"
"…which explains his outburst just now!" Selphie finished his sentence, with a "now-I-get-it" look on her face.
"Although he should have picked a better time to ask her…" Rinoa shook her head in amusement. "But instead… in the middle of a slow dance!"
The four of them looked at each other, and burst out laughing.
"Typical Zell… hahahahha!" Selphie bent over at the waist, trying to catch her breath, but only succeeded in introducing more laughter to fill her lungs.
Damien looked at them in amazement.
"Surprised at our perceptiveness?" Irvine grinned cockily at him.
"Indeed, I am. You have half the facts already."
Celestine, Celestine. Your deceptive skills aren't quite as advanced as you had hoped. Hahaha.
"So you'll tell us the other half tomorrow." Rinoa said, her expression a contemplative one.
Squall looked at her in suspicion. He could see that there was something on her mind, and he was sure that it was related to what Damien would be revealing tomorrow.
"Yes. And you had better be prepared. Don't say I never warned you."
"You're such a nag at times, D." Selphie growled irritably, earning herself a nudge at the side from Irvine.
"Let's go to bed. I'm pooped." She yawned, stretching her arms above her head to straighten out a few tensed muscles.
Damien made no indication that he was the least bit affected by her comment, demonstrating that his several years of spiritual training had not been in vain.
"Rest well, all of you." He said, and disappeared from their sight.
"Nite, Rinny, Squall…" Selphie yawned again, barely keeping her eyelids open, and leant on Irvine for support as they walked groggily towards their dorms.
* * * * * * * * * * (vi) * * * * * * * * * *
They walked quietly along the corridor, trailing a little behind Selphie and Irvine whose steps were becoming increasingly erratic due to the influence of sleep and alcohol mixing in their bloodstream.
"What are you thinking about?" Squall suddenly asked.
"Nothing—"
"Rinny…"
"Well, okay... just that I think I have a clue about what's bothering Celestine."
"And…?" Squall turned his full attention on her.
"Do you remember what Quisty told us about the Lord's death?"
"Yes."
"I might be wrong, but doesn't that mean Angel Land is short of a leader now?"
"Come to think of it…"
"So… since Celestine appears to possess great amounts of power…"
"…there's a high chance she'd be delegated his position!" Squall finished her sentence, and she nodded to affirm his deduction.
"This is only my guess, but that's the only way we can explain her strange behavior. But I don't think Damien would tell us all of it."
"He probably couldn't say it even if he wished to…"
"Squall…"
"What?"
"Don't tell anyone about this."
"Especially Selphie?" Squall sneaked a glance at Selphie to make sure that she had not been listening in on their conversation, and saw that she appeared too groggy to have overheard anything. "I know… Rinny… as Damien put it… this is no laughing matter…"
"Yeah…" Rinoa bemused, certain that she was missing something. Then it hit her.
"Squall."
"Yeah?"
"Who's going to tell Zell about this?"
* * * * * * * * * * (vii) * * * * * * * * * *
Seifer opened his eyes, awakened by the annoying chirps outside his window, and by the glaring rays of gold that seemed intent on resting upon his cheek.
He let out a noisy yawn, and stretched fully to rid himself of the crick in his neck. Turning around in search of his morning kiss, he found the other side of the bed empty.
"Huh? Where'd she go to?" He asked aloud.
"Awake at last, lazy bum?" She was already dressed and showered with each strand of hair immaculately in place.
"Did you have to get up this early?" He grumbled, taking a peek at the clock on the bedside table.
07:04 The digital numbers blinked tauntingly at him. It took all his self-restraint not to smash the offending clock to pieces.
He let out an audible groan.
"We're supposed to cuddle in bed and bask in our newly-wedded state of bliss until the sun rises from the west! I don't care!" He lunged towards Quistis, but only succeeded in gathering an armful of fruity-scented air instead of her.
"Blame on your luck that you chose to marry a workaholic! Come on, let's go for breakfast."
"Let's just skip it and go back to bed!" He leered at her, reaching out for the second time.
She slapped his hands away, chastising him in a mock-serious way.
"Seifer Almasy! Do I have to drag you into the shower?"
"I wouldn't mind… as long as you're in it with me!"
"Stop fooling around!" She tried valiantly to maintain her serious expression, but ended giggling instead.
"Ah the missus feels the same way as I do!" He attempted to drag her into the bathroom with him.
"Wait…" She said in a distracted way. "I heard a noise."
"Uh-uh… don't you pull that trick on me! I won't fall for it!"
"I'm serious! Shh!" She placed a finger on her lips, and tiptoed to the door, flattening an ear against it.
Seifer crossed his arms in front of his chest, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Put some clothes on!" She mouthed.
"Huh?"
She pointed explicitly at his… state of nudity.
"Oh please… surely you aren't shy, are you?"
She gave an exasperated look.
"Don't say I never warned you!"
She proceeded to push the white square pad beside the doorframe.
The door "whoosed" open automatically, and a bunch of people fell into the room.
"Waaah!" Seifer shouted, and dashed into the bathroom in record speed, locking the door after him.
Quistis copied the pose he had made before the presence of outsiders had him running for cover.
"So… what business do you have eavesdropping outside my door this early in the morning?"
"Eh…hehehe… we weren't eavesdropping, Quisty." Selphie jumped up, rubbing her side sheepishly.
"Yeah… we were only trying to… see if you're awake…" Irvine put on his cowboy hat, which had fallen off in his tumble to the floor.
"You two, I can understand. But Rinny… and SQUALL?"
"Sorry… Quisty. We wanted to discuss something with you… and um… we didn't want to interrupt or anything…" Rinoa stuck her tongue out apologetically.
"Where's Seifer?" Squall tried to change the subject.
"Here." Seifer emerged from the bathroom, clad in a bathrobe that barely covered his chest due to the extensive development of his pectoral muscles. "Don't pull that kind of stunt, ever again!" He snarled.
"What's so important to discuss that couldn't wait until later?" Quistis said irritably.
"Oh, it's important alright."
Quistis looked at Rinoa, and knew immediately she was not joking at all.
"Alright, then. We will all meet at the conference room ten minutes later. Agreed?"
"Agreed." Squall put his arm around Rinoa, steering her away towards the door. "Let's go, guys."
When they had all left, Quistis turned to Seifer.
"I'm sorry, darling…" She rubbed his arm, hoping that it would make him feel better.
"I'm fine." He said snappishly, opening the door of their wardrobe and selected two items at random.
Private time for newly-wedded couples is a luxury we SeeDs cannot afford. I should have known. He pulled on the white muscle T-shirt and leather pants.
"At least we had it better than Squall and Rinoa!" He finally smirked.
"Definitely. They didn't even hold a wedding banquet." Quistis quipped, relieved that a potential temper tantrum from Seifer had been smoothed over. She knew just how difficult it would be to coax him if he decided to act cranky.
"Nor did we have any pregnancy false alarms! Hahahaha!" Seifer guffawed.
"You're bad!" She punched him playfully on the arm.
"And dontcha just love it!"
"Why I..."
She never finished her sentence. Seifer swallowed them whole when he sealed her mouth for a hungry kiss, ignoring the passing of the minute hand that ate up yet one more of the remaining seven minutes they had.
* * * * * * * * * * (viii) * * * * * * * * * *
"Quisty, you're late!" Selphie shook her head disapprovingly at her friend.
"How unbecoming of you, Instructor Trepe." Squall said as sternly as he could, but was fighting extremely hard against bursting out in sniggers.
"Seifer couldn't find any clean clothes." She threw out a lame excuse, shooting a warning at Seifer with a glare as a protest began forming on his lips.
"Ah-ha! We believe you!" Rinoa began sarcastically. And then she spotted the thing that had Squall shuddering subtly at first, but the shudders became more violent progressively.
She grinned.
"Awful lot of mosquitoes today!" She said.
A collective "huh" went around the room, but not for long.
"Quisty's neck. Ah, pretend I said nothing. Please continue, Damien."
"Everyone, we meet today because I have an announcement to make.
Celestine will be leaving for Angel Land by ten hundred hours today. I doubt she will be coming back again." Damien paused, waiting for the news to settle.
Dead air filled the room as they digested his words.
After a full minute, Quistis finally broke the hush.
"Why?" The single-worded question was all she could manage to eke out from the chaotic jumble in her head.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a certain blond clench his fist, usually a prelude to something of a more explosive nature.
Sure enough, he gave a loud yell that startled everyone out of their moody silence.
"DAMIEN!"
The Angel jumped slightly at the unexpected blast of noise, and looked fearfully at his Master.
"When did you know of this, huh?" Seifer advanced rapidly towards Damien, clutching at the collar of his shirt and pulling Damien's face within inches from his own.
That's the second time in two consecutive days… Damien thought irrelevantly.
"I can't tell…" Damien said breathlessly.
"I'll bet you knew a long time ago," He was practically strangling Damien with his unforgiving grip. "So that you can see us floundering in despair now, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?"
"Seifer! Get a hold on yourself!" Quistis wanted to restrain him, but was stopped by an arm on her shoulder.
"Let us handle him."
Squall and Irvine each grabbed Seifer's arms, and dragged him away, not listening to his protests to "unhand him".
"I'm sorry, everyone…" Damien lowered his head in remorse, but not regret. He knew he would have kept silent no matter how many times he had to choose, and yet, he felt bad about having to keep such a secret.
"Damien, it isn't your fault." Quistis said, glancing back at Seifer, who had calmed down quite a fair bit.
"Is she really leaving?" Selphie asked in a small, forlorn voice.
"She has to…" Rinoa muttered.
"What?"
"I have a question for all of you." She paused; making sure everyone was listening before she continued. "Should we let Zell know about this?"
That got everyone's full attention, even Seifer's.
"Let's get this right… Chicken-wuss doesn't know about this?"
"He made a huge scene at the Quad yesterday after you guys left…" Selphie said. "Must have been related to this, so I guess not. What do you think, Damien?"
"It would be unfair to him if he's the only one left in the dark…"
"But who will be the one to break it to him?" Quistis frowned.
A dirty job no one likes to be saddled with…
"I will." Seifer declared. "If there's anyone who can do it, that's me."
The rest were immensely relieved that Seifer had decided to volunteer.
"So where's Chicken-wuss now? It's less than three hours to E.T.D!"
"I saw a 'Do Not Disturb' sign outside his dorm door." Irvine said.
"And his dorm it is! Let's go!" Seifer instructed, letting the rest of them leave the room first.
"Damien!" He called out when the Angel passed him by.
"Yes, My Master?"
"You go and find Celestine, and try to stall her from leaving."
"I'll try my best."
"Great… and…" He fidgeted in discomfort, trying to convince his mouth to utter the two most important but underused words in the English language.
"Don't worry… I won't take it to heart, My Master." Damien smiled, and was gone, leaving a solitary feather drifting behind his hazy form.
* * * * * * * * * * (ix) * * * * * * * * * *
"DO NOT DISTURB".
Sure enough, the sign was still there when they reached Zell's door.
"Open the door, Chicken-wuss! We know you're in there!" Seifer pounded relentlessly on the metal, attracting many of the other dorm dwellers who poked their nosy heads out to locate the source of the noise.
"Get back to your dorms." Squall told them, his grimness stating in no uncertain terms the penalties that awaited them if they did not adhere to his order. The heads vanished into their respective rooms at once.
Only one particular door had not opened amidst the commotion – Zell's.
No matter how they knocked on it, or called out his name, it remained resolutely shut, like that of its owner shutting out everything not within himself.
"At times like this, we need this." Squall said, producing the master keycard that only the most authoritative figure in the Garden could possess.
He swiped it against the card reader, and the door swooshed open with a satisfying sound.
"Why didn't you take it out in the first place?" Seifer berated him, and then barged into the room.
He stormed up to where an unmoving lump of blue and red laid sprawling face-up on the bed.
"Get your lazy ass moving, Chicken-wuss! This is no time to sulk around!"
"Get out." Zell said in a whisper no louder than the flapping of butterfly wings.
"No, you get up now or I'll beat some sense out of you!" Seifer balled up his fist, placing it threateningly close to Zell's jaw.
"Seifer…"
"Don't stop me this time, Quisty. If I don't do it, who will?"
And without warning, he threw his arm back, launching his fist straight into Zell's face.
"WHAT IN FRIGGIN' HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Zell yelled at him, retaliating with a jab at Seifer's left cheek.
"Didn't something like this happen before?" Irvine said to no one in particular. "I have an acute case of déjà vu."
"Probably just your imagination, Irvy." Selphie giggled.
"Guys… this isn't the time for fistfights! We have to tell him about Celestine!" Quistis was the only one riding on a wave of anxiety, the others just standing about as if watching a show.
Upon hearing Celestine's name, Zell put his fist down, his body stiffening to a rigor mortis-like state.
"What's wrong, Chicken-wuss? Admitting defeat just like that?"
Zell was unresponsive to his taunts, content to letting himself become a punching bag for Seifer's fists.
And hit him Seifer did. Blow after blow, landing on his face, chest, stomach. But Zell only slouched there motionless as a robot out of batteries, not even wincing when each fist connected solidly with his flesh. Before long, his face was swelling with ugly purplish bruises. Seifer, seeing his lack of reaction, only hit him harder, resulting in a vicious cycle that was nowhere near its end.
Quistis decided to intervene, before Seifer could land himself with a manslaughter, if not assault charge by the none-too-impartial Disciplinary Committee.
"Stop! Seifer!" Quistis pushed him away, and placed her hand on Zell's arm.
"Zell… you have to pull yourself together! Celestine's leav—"
Her hand was roughly pushed away, and she could not help but take a step back when she saw the wildness flaring in his eyes.
"Don't mention her name in front of me! I'll have nothing to do with her from now on!"
"How can you say that? She didn't leave on her own free will!" Rinoa could not stop herself from telling him off. She knew more than any of them how difficult a situation Celestine must be facing, and how torn she must be between her duty and her feelings.
I know… I'm being unfair on him. But still…
"Oh, so she didn't break up with me on her own free will? Who forced her then? Who pressed a blade around her neck and threatened her then? Did you? You? You? Or YOU? Or was it you, Squall? Quistis? Answer me!"
"What did you say?" "Did she really break up with you?" "She must have been really desperate." "When did this happen?" A heap of questions assaulted him, each one louder than the next, until he could not stand the ringing in his ears and brain.
"THAT'S IT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"
"It doesn't matter what Celestine said to you, Zell. But we thought that you should know… she's leaving for Angel Land in a few hours. And she isn't coming back."
So she's leaving…no wonder she had to split with me.
But that doesn't explain how she can tell me so calmly… that she doesn't love me.
"I don't care, Quistis. If she wants to go, let her."
"I was wrong about you, Chicken-wuss. I'd thought you would be stronger than that." Seifer gave a snort, and brushed past him. "But now… you're worse than a chicken."
"All this effort for nothing." Selphie said scornfully. "We shouldn't have bothered. Let's go, guys."
"Zell. Don't do something you know you will regret later, just because you let your pride stand in your way." Quistis urged him, before leaving him to stew in his self-pity.
What right do they have to lecture me? They know nothing! NOTHING!
Fine, Dintch! Just fine! Act like a spoilt brat! Don't go crying later cos you didn't get to say goodbye.
Goodbye?
She's leaving? Really?
SHE'S LEAVING ME BEHIND!
Maybe it was his imagination. Maybe it was the emptiness of the room that contrasted sharply with the commotion cause earlier by his friends.
But he could somehow imagine a blurred figure that looked remarkably like himself standing in a shady corner, shaking its head disdainfully at him….
* * * * * * * * * * (x) * * * * * * * * * *
"You aren't leaving now, are you?" He spoke
to her turned back, while she pretended to be more interested in watching the
grass grow, or the snail drawing a slow, slimy trail across the ground, than
talking to him.
"So what if I am?" She said without
looking at him.
"And leave Zell pining after you? At least give him a chance to—"
"That won't be a problem. He probably hates my guts now." She gave a small chuckle, while still keeping her glance fixed on the snail.
"What did you say to him?"
"That's none of your business."
"I could venture a guess. You called it off. You told him you didn't love him."
"Why did you bother asking anyway?" She spat out angrily.
Damn you, Damien! Reading in on my thoughts! How low can you get?
"Celestine, if you don't want me reading your thoughts, tell me what's on your mind!"
"Whatever possessed you to lie in such a way? How can you be so unaffected about it?"
"Unaffected? Maybe. Perhaps I'm simply too jaded to be anything else."
"Why are you doing this?"
"There is no why…"
Numerous strings that were then attached to her heart tugged hard, and in varying degrees of pain as the line invoked memories of an earlier scene, where she had used the same one on Zell. No, more like the vulnerable organ was being torn apart, despite her inner cries for mercy. They didn't listen, just kept pulling, and pulling at opposite ends, until the very fabric that held it together was finally broken.
"If you think that burying your feelings in some corner is the solution, you're so wrong!"
"Don't presume what you do or do not know about me, or my feelings!" She whirled around in a flash of blue and white, the feathers that had dropped off in the midst floated with graceful abandon around them, forming a mini shower of white fluttery snowflake-like clusters that fell effortlessly to the ground.
He gasped.
Red Bulging Orbs.
They resembled nothing that belonged to the old Celestine Angelwing.
More like those of a raving lunatic; or a drunkard whose only manna was a diet of alcohol and sleazy-pub cigarette-smoke.
Damien reeled back involuntarily at the sight of the intricate mishmash of spidery lines running across each of her eyeballs, and back again, an entangled mess of red strings with no way of separation. It might even be accurate to say the red was more prominent than the white.
Red, white, red, white, it all swam in a shimmering pool of clear liquid that made his head swim as well.
Swollen orbs that had once been saturated with warmness, and at times a tinge of mischief, now glared back at him, radiating heat of another kind. Dark flames of beautiful sapphire hues flared and leaped out at him, threatening to lick their flames upon his cheek.
Who is this? He wanted to ask.
He ignored the question, persistently adamant on changing her mind.
"Why are you giving up on him so fast? Something could be worked out, you just –"
"You make it sound so easy." She snorted in contempt. "But YOU of all people should know it's not! Not by a freakin' mile. Work something out? Highly impossible!"
"I don't get you."
"Honestly? Are you really this clueless? Fine. I'll give you a chance.
Ever wondered why Lord Shin never had a Lady beside to him? Why he was so fond of kids, but never married?"
"Isn't it because he desired solitude?"
"Solitude my ass!"
She must be really pissed.
Damien shook his head, unable to even guess where she was heading with the conversation… and she had wisely refused any entry to her thoughts, which meant that his mind-perusing skills had no use whatsoever.
"There is an unspoken rule… that the Ruler of Angels have to take on a vow of celibacy the moment they inherit the Ruler Staff. This vow remains effective until his or her reign is over. Do you understand now, Mr. Damien Silvergrace, darling of the Elders?" One could have plucked solidified icicles from the frigidity of her tone, or make pellets of poison with potency rivaling that of a concentration of Anaconda, Black widow Arachnid and Malboro venom out of her spit.
"I had no idea…"
"Well, now you do.
I had no choice… do you think I like maiming myself in such a way? Think that I delight in hurling cruel words as if they are nothing more than, just that, words?"
No reply, from him. Only a flitting look of unease.
"I would have thought my own Brother—"
—would understand me better… She stumbled over the unfinished sentence.
Tried to finish it and unravel her tongue, but could not; not when the unpleasant taste of disappointment sealed her mouth shut, and tied up her vocal chords with its tight band of acrimony.
"But instead, you blame me for giving up.
I'm only trying to do what I think is the best! Is that so condemnable? Why can't you understand?" She cried out, despair so naked it laid bare the trembling soul within, huddling under the weight of a great shadow that seemed intent on crushing her.
"Celestine…" He reached out to touch her.
She shied away from his hand. She didn't want to be touched.
The only thing she wanted now was to fly away, and escape, far away from this minefield, where every step she took had the danger – all the more threatening due to its unseen and notoriously undetectable nature - of blowing her up into smithereens.
And blowing away every straining thread of resolve; the resolve she had mustered with such difficulty she could not think of it without cringing.
Her peaceful world had shattered, short-lived as it was, vaporizing within the flutter of a lash, or the moment between inhalation and exhalation, or the empty space between heartbeats. Now the only possession she had was her resolve. She could ill-afford to lose it.
All this for what? She screamed inwardly.
Damien stared blankly at his hand. Her outright rejection stung him, like the poisonous needle of a jellyfish.
He could hardly blame her for it, though. For it now dawned upon him that he deserved it.
He had forgotten that she was an unwilling victim, if not the most aggrieved one. That she had not chosen the crazy, brutal hand dealt to her, whether be it by Hyne or Fate. All he had thought about was how to cushion Zell against the fall into darkness that would inevitably happen when she left them, eventually.
How ironic. He chuckled to himself, although there was not a single strip of mirth in his thoughts. Indeed, the extent of his protectiveness towards Zell could only be traced to one thing - his long-standing affection for her.
And yet, when she needed the most support, he did not stand by her, even when he had more insight than anyone else, about what was really going wrong.
He had failed her in the worst possible way.
"I'm so—"
"I don't need any of your apologies! All I ask for is to be left alone. That's all! Is that too much to ask for?"
"If you need my help—"
"Thanks, but no thanks." She replied curtly at first, preparing to shut out everything again.
He's Damien. He doesn't deserve to be treated this way.
You're channeling all your anger to him. Is that fair?
"Please, Celestine…" He sounded desperate… no, he was desperate. If he didn't help her, who could?
Fair? Don't talk to me about fair! Is it fair to me? Huh?
Self-pity is the most worthless emotion of all.
Self-pity?
Maybe.
"Look after him for me. That's all I need."
"I will. I swear."
"Thank you."
She started to spread her wings.
"Celestine! Wait up!"
A mild feeling of déjà vu washed over her.
Ten days ago, someone else had delayed her flight to Angel Land, to say her last farewell before she left.
Now, the roles are reversed. Celestine now replaced that girl as the one leaving, and her role was filled in by…
Quis. Another reason I can't bear to go…
Not only Quistis, the rest of their close group appeared, one after another.
With the exception of one.
Don't tell me you were expecting him, Angelwing. If you were, what was the use of breaking up with him?
"How could you, Celestine? Not a word about this!" The running streak of peach and gold assaulted her before she could move an eyebrow.
She found herself smothered into Quistis' arms, the (much) younger girl sobbing uncontrollably as she squeezed the Angel as hard as she could, evidently thinking that if she didn't, Celestine would evaporate before she could blink.
Quistis was more affected by Celestine's impending departure than she knew, than she had let on. But upon seeing the Angel rise mid-air, preparing to fly towards her homeland without giving Quistis a chance to talk with her one last time… it was just too much for her. She did not want to experience that kind of regret again.
"Quis…" Celestine stroked her friend's hair, wincing as she absorbed some of the sadness as was inevitable, as the two shared a strong bond.
"Celestine… we're all furious at you for keeping such an important thing secret!" Seifer stalked up to her, frowning so harshly that his brows looked permanently sewn together. But almost immediately, they relaxed.
"Damn you, woman! It's so difficult to stay angry at you!" He went up to her and Quistis, who was still holding onto her, and put his arms around both of them.
One by one, everyone went up to Celestine, even Squall, lining up before her for the requisite hug like recruits lining up for standard issue clothing… it would have looked peculiar, or even funny…
If it wasn't so Hyne-damned sad. Damien thought dourly.
* * * * * * * * * * (xi) * * * * * * * * * *
The cessation of the embrace session did not begin until several minutes later, by which each girl's cheeks were graced with a teary downfall. The guys retained a stoic leash on their tear glands, but there was no mistaking the stuffiness they acutely felt in their chest. Not a happy occasion, for sure.
"Guys… I really have to go now…" Celestine turned to each of them, etching their features in her memory, for she did not want to forget this group of people who were the dearest to her in this world.
"So soon?" Quistis said softly, her eyes downcast and blinking rapidly to keep the fresh wave at bay.
Celestine nodded quietly.
"But what about Zell?" Selphie blurted.
"What about him."
"Aren't you giving him a chance to talk to you, just one last time?" Selphie continued, despite the lack of interest displayed by Celestine.
"No."
"Why? The boy you love, and you wouldn't even talk to him now, even though you'll never see each other again?" She raved on, despite the warning looks thrown at her.
"I JUST DON'T!" Celestine yelled. "Why won't you people respect my wishes? Don't make it harder than it already is!"
"Selphie has a point, Celestine. It's just a talk. Give it a chance." Seifer pointed out.
She did not reply.
"That settles. I'll call Chicken-wuss over here."
I feel like a friggin' Messenger these days. Seifer thought grudgingly, although the notion was not that unpleasant.
"On one condition…"
"Say what?" Seifer halted mid-stride, body half-turned towards the exit.
"All of you have to accept an energy transmission from me if I agree to this. He has to, as well."
"What kind of energy transmission?" Seifer eyed her suspiciously.
"Nothing that will harm you. And no questions." Celestine's mouth was set.
They all read it well. She would not tolerate any other way.
"Fine, we accept your condition. Make sure you fulfill your promise." Seifer resumed his walk, the clomping of his boots still audible after he had left through the exit.
Damien regarded Celestine broodingly.
What is she up to now?
Seifer's assertive steps were heard heading back towards their direction again, to their surprise. It had only been a few seconds since he left…
But the mystery was soon solved.
"Zell! When did you…" Selphie started talking, but was clamped over the mouth by Irvine's hand, resulting in a series of muffled sounds.
"Here, I've got Chicken-wuss. You two talk it out." With a small gesture of his thumb, he signaled for the others to leave.
When there was only the two of them left, they were only too aware of the awkwardness that had sprouted between them.
"Uhmm…"
"Ah…"
"You first." Zell smiled wanly.
"Okay. First off… I'm sorry. I behaved badly just now."
"I'm sorry, too."
More silence, as they struggled to find common ground.
"I heard them say… you were leaving." He kicked a stone on the ground idly, biting on his lip as he uttered the words.
"I am."
"I'm not going to stop you."
"Good, cos I won't let you."
"Why do you have to be so hostile?" He suddenly blew up. Before he could stop, his mouth had already opened, and spat out the words, running faster than his brain could ever hope to catch up.
"Hostile?" She raised an eyebrow, a little incensed, but at the same time, amused by his typical mouth-faster-than-brain reaction.
"Ignore that." Zell scratched his head, a habit he picked up whenever he was nervous, or didn't know what to do.
"I don't see this heading anywhere. And I have to go." She really did… the pressure of not breaking down in front of him was getting heavier and heavier by the second. She would deliberately avoid his glance, avoid looking at him directly, just so she needn't feel the pull in her chest. But by some strange unfathomable force, her gaze seemed to be sucked by his the way opposite poles of magnets stuck to each other.
"Answer me one last question." He asked, no, pleaded, his demeanor positively resembling that of a puppy panting after his master for care and affection.
"Alright, just one."
"Did you really mean what you said… you didn't love me?"
Of all the questions, he had to pick the most ass-kicking difficult one!
But she couldn't lie this time; she did not have the heart to do so.
"No."
The glimmer of rekindled hope illuminating his bright blue orbs was blinding her. She should not have raised his hopes so high, only to bring it down in a freefall.
In the end, it doesn't matter.
Nothing does. Because nothing is permanent.
"Can I go now?"
"Can I hold you one last time?" He smiled, his lip trembling.
How could she refuse? She was aching to bury her face in his chest, and pour out everything to him, to tell him a million times she hadn't meant to hurt him earlier, apologize, cry, let him spoil her with his tender kisses…
Your resolve, Angelwing
Stupid annoying noise that followed her around, with a penchant for blatant intrusion in her thoughts…
It sounded like herself.
"Sure." She held out her arms, and let his arms wrap around her.
So secure, so snug. She was going to miss it, hell yeah. She couldn't kid herself.
Like bathing in a luxurious sea of milk bath, or having her pleasure buttons pressed all at once.
She missed it already, when she had to push him away. She could not afford to hold on for too long, or else she could never let go.
"Thank you." Simple words, but the intonation was heavy with his sorrow. A sorrow that lashed its whip at her and imprinted a searing wound on her already battered soul.
She cleared her throat of the stubborn lump lodging there like a tumor… a tumor she knew would grow again no matter the number of times she had tried to hack it away.
"I have fulfilled my promise. Now you will fulfill yours. All of you."
They emerged from the mouth of the exit, where they had been hiding all along.
They stood in a neat line before Celestine, waiting for the energy transmission she had wanted to perform on them, all the time itching to know what it was, and what it would do to them.
As she approached each one of them, she touched them lightly on the forehead, transmitting a warm buzz into their heads.
The last person to receive the transmission was, unsurprisingly, Zell. She paused in front of him, locking glances, then reluctantly tore it away.
His transmission was much more intense than the rest, although no one had a clue why, except one.
The only other one of who had some inkling on what she was going to do, and he was powerless to stop it.
"The Amnesia Ray? Celestine… do you think this is right?"
She gave no answer.
Stepping back after the transmission, she closed her eyes for a moment.
When she opened them, clear-colored beads were rolling around the rims, precariously close to spilling over and running down her face.
"Goodbye." She whispered, spread her wings, and lifted off the ground.
She snapped her fingers crisply.
They fell to the ground in a crumpled heap, rendering any attempt to resist the sleep-inducing qualities of her Amnesia Ray as futile.
"I seemed to have acquired Waterlily's aversion for teary farewells."
"Celestine…"
"Are you coming or not? We're almost late." Without waiting for him, she soared upwards into the sky, spearheading through the air like a launched missile.
No one shall mourn my departure,
Or hold me back.
No one will miss my presence
Or be sad.
Because after they awaken,
They will forget.
Even though I will not.
Even if none of them remembers me
The brightness of their future
Shall be a worthy consolation
The knowledge that I secured that future
Shall accompany me in place of them.
Celestine Angelwing is no more.
A mere fragment of dreams
A name of distant memory
Going, going,..
Gone.
* * * * * * * * * * (xii) * * * * * * * * * *
Selphie stirred a little, opened her left eye and quickly shielded her eye when a ray of sun pierced her exposed pupil.
She sat up, and looked around in a dazed manner.
"Why are we sleeping here?" She asked no one in particular, as no one was in fact awake to hear her. "Irvine! Wake up!" She poked him at the side.
The pony-tailed one groaned, and yawned widely.
"What's happening here?" He asked Selphie, who merely shrugged.
"Chicken-wuss, get your stinky feet out of my face!"
"I ain't no Chicken-wuss, Sorceress 'Has-been' Lapdog!"
"Will the two of you knock it off? I swear eight-year-olds behave better than you!"
"Quistis, how can you side with a Chicken-wuss?"
"You call this siding with him?"
"Squall, are you alright?" Rinoa peered at him worriedly.
"Fine." He started getting up, and walking out of the outdoor area through the exit.
The others soon followed suit, albeit with puzzled expressions as they struggled to comprehend how and why they had all been sleeping in the open area.
Zell suddenly stopped, looking around him with an even more confused expression.
"What, Chicken-wuss? Daydreaming again?" Seifer nudged at him with a smirk.
"Something's not right…" He said, his expression troubled, but he could not put a finger on the "not right" part no matter how he racked his limited brains.
"Prob'ly the mouldy hotdog you ate for lunch. HAHAHAHA!"
Zell was unconvinced. But he had no freakin' proof that anything was out of ordinary.
For many days, or even years after that day, Zell Dintch often caught himself searching for something, he didn't know what. An ever elusive concept that often haunted his dreams, day and night ones, but refused to be grabbed and held down. But he knew that someday, he would find what he searched for…
If only he searched hard enough.
* * * * * * * * * * (fini) * * * * * * * * *
YES YES YES YES YES!! I have finally finished the whole friggin' series! What a major relief!
But, I'm making a major revision, that's for sure.
First of all, I had no idea that Celestine was just this great big Mary Sue. Heck, I didn't even know what was a Mary Sue until a few months ago! And also because I always thought Mary Sues were personifications of the author herself, or someone she wanted to be. But noooo, according to some MS tests, there are more to it than meets the eye. The realization finally hit me the second week into writing my last chapter. Awww… it's so disappointing to know that the series I had so painstakingly written is nothing but MS. Imagine, two MS's in a story. Why did they let me get away with it? Argh?!!! How am I supposed to rewrite? The whole story based on her (Alright, some was on Quisty, but not all!)! I might as well write a new one. Gaaah..
Well, I'll leave her intact, for now.
I need a hell lot of improvement.
If you ask me whether I was satisfied with the story, hell no. I frequently said it sucks, and I still think it sucks.
But still, I kinda have a love-hate relationship with it, since it was a product of many hours of labors. Like a rebellious child… um… yeah.
Alright, enough rambling. First, let me express my utmost gratitude to all who have reviewed. You are gods and goddesses to me! In no particular order:
Celeste Spring: I appreciated your constructive criticism. It is a rare jewel that sparkles among the rest, and greatly treasured (Man, I sound corny).
Soul of Flame: Hah… I'm your regular Trepie, what can I say? Your reviews are just so encouraging!
Mistress Rikku: Thanks for all those emails! I was pleasantly surprised to receive them, they really brighten up an otherwise boring day.
Quistis88: One of my most loyal reviewers. From the days of Peach Battle Gear and Greyish White Coat you've already been reviewing. Astonishing display of support and resilience, especially for this fic. I don't think I could have made it this far as a reader. Thank you.
Jeangab057 – Thanks for your reviews and patience!
Prodigy – He who breaketh (is there such a word?) the record set by Soul of Flame. Thank you!
Anime-Diva – I loved your fic! But I loved your review even more (I'm a reviewgrubber hahhaha.)
Quisty Almasy: Ooh yeah, nice to see your name up here again! Thanks for catching up with my fic!
I'm sure I've missed many people, but I'm really tired, see. Been typing for seven hours straight, plus got a grand total of two hours' sleep yesterday. Maybe I'll add them when I can. But right now, the eyelids are barely open. Same thing applies to grammar errors. I just hope the file isn't too big to load…. Sigh.
Meanwhile, this author thanks you for having the patience to read up to here. *Bows* Don't forget to tell me how you find this chapter! Thanks!