Come into my life, forever
My second fic! Its longer than my other one, which im pleased with..but I didn't expect it to be THIS long! Again, if you don't like shonen ai don't read this, you wont like it. You've been warned. And Eva purists might not like it, the beginning (like the first couple of lines)is canon, but the reast is completely AU, it all come from my twisted mind. Sure it goes along the same lines (sort of), but in this one, Asuka doesn't wake up from her coma, and Rei doesn't merge with Lilith. Still interested? Read on dammit ^_^
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. None of it. I would like to own Kaworu, but it wont happen.
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Chapter 1. My silent undoing.
Today was the worst day of Shinji's life. You wouldn't have guessed it, since everyone else was clearly happy.
"Congratulations son. I'm proud of you, for a second I didn't think you would do it. You've shown that you can overcome your fears." Shinji didn't even look at his father, he was looking past time.
And surely, his glassy red eyes and tear stained face showed that he didn't want to be having this conversation either. Gendo Ikari, quite sure now that he wouldn't get a response from his son, turned and walked away.
Whilst the world breathed a sigh of relied, Shinji breathed a sigh of despair. Nobody could see his problem. The 17th Angel had shown up, as expected. The final Angel. And of course, it had been up to Shinji to dispatch of him.
But shouldn't it have mattered that the final Angel had been a human? A human Shinji had cared about? In fact, it had been the last person Shinji had wanted to kill. Kaworu had been the closest friend Shinji had ever hard. Despite the fact they had only known each other a few days, they felt like they had been friends for years.
Shinji had started to feel like they were more than friends as well. That should have seemed strange to Shinji, but it wasn't. Maybe they were soul mates. Shinji hadn't wanted to kill him.
He didn't think he'd ever forget the mental struggle he had fought when he was inside Unit 01's cockpit, holding Kaworu in his hand.
A small part of him told him he knew what he had to do. It didn't really matter than Kaworu had been his friend, he was an Angel. And Shinji killed Angels. The majority of his mind screamed for him not to kill him. Surely there was some mistake. Kaworu was one of the kindest people Shinji had ever known. How could he been an Angel?
And then there had been the voices. At one point Shinji had covered his ears in an attempt to block them out. His father's voice, low and commanding, repeating "He is the enemy. Kill him." While Shinji had screamed that he couldn't do it. While there was also Kaworu's calm voice telling him that if he didn't kill him, the whole human race would be destroyed, that humans and Angels couldn't exist together. Still, Shinji had screamed that he couldn't do it. He sat there in silence for what seemed like forever, tying to look at Kaworu through his tears. He looked at him. Taking in the fact he'd never see those fathomless red eyes again, never feel that soft white skin again. He'd never see Kaworu smile again, which was worse.
Shinji felt that he should say something to Kaworu. Maybe something pathetic like "Everything will be ok." Even though they both knew that was a complete lie. He wanted to tell him that he loved him. Because he did. He didn't know how, or since when. He just knew. He went to say it, but the words died on his lips, and he ended up simply mouthing them silently.
Yet, Shinji could have sworn that Kaworu heard him. In fact, he had been sure that he could see he right then, despite Shinji being hidden inside his Eva, Kaworu seemed to be looking hi straight in the eyes. Kaworu had heard Shinji. Kaworu gave him a sweet smile, and yet it was so sad. Then, Shinji had done what he'd been asked to do.
Afterwards all Shinji could do was look straightforward. He couldn't look at the hand that had held Kaworu only moments ago. Because Kaworu wasn't there anymore. It was just a broken thing now. Like a limp unwanted doll. Shinji couldn't look down either. He knew he would see Kaworu's face smiling back at him. So he just stared forward, tears blinding him. He realised that fate hadnt taken his most precious thing away from him, he'd done it himself.
And still Shinji stood there, wrapped up in memories, where his father had stood congratulating him a few minutes ago. Everyone was proud of him, he was ashamed of himself. He had let himself be used again, to do the thing he had regretted most.
"I'm pathetic", he said aloud. His shoulders were shaking with the effort of trying not to cry again. He didn't know it but Misato had been watching him stand alone for a while. She slowly approached him, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey Shinji" she started. Shinji simply stared up at her. "You know, I'm very proud of you as well. It must have been difficult."
Shinji went back to staring into space. "You have no idea", he replied quietly. Misato, who didn't like seeing Shinji so upset, decided to pursue the matter, not knowing it was the last thing Shinji wanted to do. "Shinji, you know, Kaworu wasn't really human..", she didn't know where this was going, and she stopped altogether when she saw the sharp, accusing look Shinji was giving her,
"Stop it", Shinji mumbled. "What was that Shinji??". Shinji shrugged and turned around, only to be greeted by the sight of his Eva. His heart missed a beat when he absently looked at it's left hand. Still soaked with blood.
//Are they going to clear that off anytime soon?// Shinji thought to himself. //Where is Kaworu now?// Part of his mind asked. //You know where he is. He's at the bottom of the LCL// the other half of his mind replied.
Shinji didn't know if but he had been mumbling part of this incoherently to himself. Misato shook him, bringing him out of his daze. "Shinji? Shinji? Are you ok?". Shinji stared at her. "I should visit Kaworu sometime shouldn't I? He must be so lonely, at the bottom of the LCL. Alone.""
Shinji walked away, to the changing rooms to get out of his plugsuit. Misato was left staring after him, a perplexed look on her face.
My second fic! Its longer than my other one, which im pleased with..but I didn't expect it to be THIS long! Again, if you don't like shonen ai don't read this, you wont like it. You've been warned. And Eva purists might not like it, the beginning (like the first couple of lines)is canon, but the reast is completely AU, it all come from my twisted mind. Sure it goes along the same lines (sort of), but in this one, Asuka doesn't wake up from her coma, and Rei doesn't merge with Lilith. Still interested? Read on dammit ^_^
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. None of it. I would like to own Kaworu, but it wont happen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1. My silent undoing.
Today was the worst day of Shinji's life. You wouldn't have guessed it, since everyone else was clearly happy.
"Congratulations son. I'm proud of you, for a second I didn't think you would do it. You've shown that you can overcome your fears." Shinji didn't even look at his father, he was looking past time.
And surely, his glassy red eyes and tear stained face showed that he didn't want to be having this conversation either. Gendo Ikari, quite sure now that he wouldn't get a response from his son, turned and walked away.
Whilst the world breathed a sigh of relied, Shinji breathed a sigh of despair. Nobody could see his problem. The 17th Angel had shown up, as expected. The final Angel. And of course, it had been up to Shinji to dispatch of him.
But shouldn't it have mattered that the final Angel had been a human? A human Shinji had cared about? In fact, it had been the last person Shinji had wanted to kill. Kaworu had been the closest friend Shinji had ever hard. Despite the fact they had only known each other a few days, they felt like they had been friends for years.
Shinji had started to feel like they were more than friends as well. That should have seemed strange to Shinji, but it wasn't. Maybe they were soul mates. Shinji hadn't wanted to kill him.
He didn't think he'd ever forget the mental struggle he had fought when he was inside Unit 01's cockpit, holding Kaworu in his hand.
A small part of him told him he knew what he had to do. It didn't really matter than Kaworu had been his friend, he was an Angel. And Shinji killed Angels. The majority of his mind screamed for him not to kill him. Surely there was some mistake. Kaworu was one of the kindest people Shinji had ever known. How could he been an Angel?
And then there had been the voices. At one point Shinji had covered his ears in an attempt to block them out. His father's voice, low and commanding, repeating "He is the enemy. Kill him." While Shinji had screamed that he couldn't do it. While there was also Kaworu's calm voice telling him that if he didn't kill him, the whole human race would be destroyed, that humans and Angels couldn't exist together. Still, Shinji had screamed that he couldn't do it. He sat there in silence for what seemed like forever, tying to look at Kaworu through his tears. He looked at him. Taking in the fact he'd never see those fathomless red eyes again, never feel that soft white skin again. He'd never see Kaworu smile again, which was worse.
Shinji felt that he should say something to Kaworu. Maybe something pathetic like "Everything will be ok." Even though they both knew that was a complete lie. He wanted to tell him that he loved him. Because he did. He didn't know how, or since when. He just knew. He went to say it, but the words died on his lips, and he ended up simply mouthing them silently.
Yet, Shinji could have sworn that Kaworu heard him. In fact, he had been sure that he could see he right then, despite Shinji being hidden inside his Eva, Kaworu seemed to be looking hi straight in the eyes. Kaworu had heard Shinji. Kaworu gave him a sweet smile, and yet it was so sad. Then, Shinji had done what he'd been asked to do.
Afterwards all Shinji could do was look straightforward. He couldn't look at the hand that had held Kaworu only moments ago. Because Kaworu wasn't there anymore. It was just a broken thing now. Like a limp unwanted doll. Shinji couldn't look down either. He knew he would see Kaworu's face smiling back at him. So he just stared forward, tears blinding him. He realised that fate hadnt taken his most precious thing away from him, he'd done it himself.
And still Shinji stood there, wrapped up in memories, where his father had stood congratulating him a few minutes ago. Everyone was proud of him, he was ashamed of himself. He had let himself be used again, to do the thing he had regretted most.
"I'm pathetic", he said aloud. His shoulders were shaking with the effort of trying not to cry again. He didn't know it but Misato had been watching him stand alone for a while. She slowly approached him, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey Shinji" she started. Shinji simply stared up at her. "You know, I'm very proud of you as well. It must have been difficult."
Shinji went back to staring into space. "You have no idea", he replied quietly. Misato, who didn't like seeing Shinji so upset, decided to pursue the matter, not knowing it was the last thing Shinji wanted to do. "Shinji, you know, Kaworu wasn't really human..", she didn't know where this was going, and she stopped altogether when she saw the sharp, accusing look Shinji was giving her,
"Stop it", Shinji mumbled. "What was that Shinji??". Shinji shrugged and turned around, only to be greeted by the sight of his Eva. His heart missed a beat when he absently looked at it's left hand. Still soaked with blood.
//Are they going to clear that off anytime soon?// Shinji thought to himself. //Where is Kaworu now?// Part of his mind asked. //You know where he is. He's at the bottom of the LCL// the other half of his mind replied.
Shinji didn't know if but he had been mumbling part of this incoherently to himself. Misato shook him, bringing him out of his daze. "Shinji? Shinji? Are you ok?". Shinji stared at her. "I should visit Kaworu sometime shouldn't I? He must be so lonely, at the bottom of the LCL. Alone.""
Shinji walked away, to the changing rooms to get out of his plugsuit. Misato was left staring after him, a perplexed look on her face.