Chapter 2. The life you left behind
That night, Shinji stood in the kitchen. Misato and Pen-Pen, sat side by side on the sofa drinking beer. Misato had slurred to Shinji to get her another beer, he had silent obliged. Instead here he was, standing looking at knives. He didn't feel like he had much to live for now, anyway. All the Angels were dead, so he wasn't going to be needed as a pilot anymore. He didn't have anyone to call a friend anymore, Kaworu was dead, Toji was blanking him (which was understandable). Rei.wasn't really Rei anymore, Asuka was still dead to the world. Shinji didn't even have Kensuke and Hikari anymore, they had stopped talking to him after what he did to Toji.
The only one who cared anymore was Misato.. and now he was being so indifferent to her...he wondered how long it would be before she gave up on him as well. He felt he didn't deserve life. Suicide seemed pretty farfetched, Shinji wasn't so gone that he couldn't not see that. But he was fed up, he wanted a way out. And anyway, if he did die, wouldn't he see Kaworu again?
Shinji came back to reality. His mind told him he was going crazy, and he was in no place to disagree with that statement. Shinji quickly closed the drawer, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and headed back to the living room. He handed Misato her beer.
"Awww yeah! Hey Shinji-kun, what took ya so long?" Misato asked. "Uh..nothing.", he replied, pretending to concentrate on the television. Shinji hated it when Misato was drunk, she never stopped talking, and right now Shinji wasn't in the mood for talking.
"Hey Shinji, I realized something. Now that the Angels are all dead, you're a free man! We've soooo gotta have a party to celebrate! Right Pen-Pen??" Pen-Pen nodded in agreement. "who are you going to invite though Misato?" Shinji asked. Misato stopped smiling at that.
"Good night." Shinji got up and went to his room. Leaving Misato and Pen- Pen with identical confused looks on their faces.
Shinji lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep, he expected that though. He had school the next day, did they really expect him to go? It didn't seem right. Sure, he would go if he had to, and maybe it would take his mind off things. He just didn't feel like he could face everyone there, least of all, Rei. It would be.strange.
Still, he needed to get his mind off Kaworu. Else he'd go mad. He was a killer. He had killed a person. Kaworu actually hadn't done anything. In that case, then he was innocent. That made Shinji a worse person that he had previously imagined. If he did die..would Kaworu forgive him? Shinji stopped that train of thought. He turned over, sleep seemed a long way off. He felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes again, "I'm so sorry" he whispered. Could anyone believe that? It seemed like a killer would never be sorry enough.
A killer.
That thought followed him down when he finally found sleep.
"Rise and shine Shinji!!!" Misato yelled into Shinji's room the next morning. Shinji groaned and stuck his head under the pillow. "you better get up, you have school today, and you don't want your breakfast getting cold!!" she said cheerfully as she walked back into the living room. Probably to make more coffee. //I know how he feels, I went through the same thing after Kaji's death. But, I just don't know how to react when he's like this..//
Shinji slowly sat up in bed, he rubbed his eyes and already he could feel a black aura hanging over him. It was like a black raincloud, exclusively for him. //Probably has something to do with the dream// he absently though. Dream? Yes, he had a dream lastnight. He suspected his would, although he had hoped it would at least be something pleasant. But even that seemed like too much to ask for now.
It had been a short dream, but it still left Shinji feeling uneasy. In his dream he had been down in Terminal Dogma., sitting close to the LCL. Shinji guessed the dream must have been influenced by his random though of Kaworu being lonely in the LCL, because the boy lay in front of him, but he was still alive. Shinji didn't ask questions-it was a dream, and dreams aren't meant to be logical.
Kaworu looked different, there was blood on his cheeks, and when he opened his eyes to look up at Shinji, they were vacant. "Did you bring me back?" he asked softly. "Yes. I missed you." Shinji had replied. "I hate it here. Why did you bring me back? It didn't hurt on the other side." Kaworu stated accusingly. "I.I needed to know if you can forgive me. I cant live like this. Without knowing" Shinji had said. "Forgive you?" Kaworu almost laughed. "For killing me? Of course I can't forgive you. You are a killer, theres blood on your hands. Nobody can forgive a sin like that."
"What??". Shinji felt his heart crumble inside. How was he meant to live now? He looked down at his hands. They were indeed covered in blood. Angel's blood. "But you.you forced me to do it!" Shinji practically yelled at the boy. Kaworu continued to stare up at him, his blank eyes seeing nothing. "I forced you to do nothing. You didn't have to do anything, it was of your own free will. Now, you have your answer, can I go back now? You can't even leave me alone in death can you?", Kaworu asked.
Kaworu's eyes was practically unreadable, but Shinji could tell they held no word of a lie. It was true, Kaworu couldn't forgive him, and Kaworu hated him. "I'm.I'm sorry." Shinji stuttered in a lame attempt to make Kaworu change his mind. "No your not. You'll never be sorry." Shinji found it difficult to believe that somebody so sweet and beautiful in life could be so cruel like this now.
Slowly the dream faded from Shinji's mind and he shuddered. Is that what it would be like? Suddenly those kitchen knives didn't seem so attractive. Shinji quickly grabbed his clothes off the floor from where he had dumped them the night before and quickly got dressed for school. He grabbed his bag and was out the front door before Misato could stop him from leaving without breakfast.
To be continued (oooh!)
------------------------------------------------------------ RAR! So hows it so far? I have to write the rest up on the computer.its taking longer than I though! I know its pretty slow moving (but then, so is everything I werite!), but it'll get better. I hope! R&R pleeeeease!
That night, Shinji stood in the kitchen. Misato and Pen-Pen, sat side by side on the sofa drinking beer. Misato had slurred to Shinji to get her another beer, he had silent obliged. Instead here he was, standing looking at knives. He didn't feel like he had much to live for now, anyway. All the Angels were dead, so he wasn't going to be needed as a pilot anymore. He didn't have anyone to call a friend anymore, Kaworu was dead, Toji was blanking him (which was understandable). Rei.wasn't really Rei anymore, Asuka was still dead to the world. Shinji didn't even have Kensuke and Hikari anymore, they had stopped talking to him after what he did to Toji.
The only one who cared anymore was Misato.. and now he was being so indifferent to her...he wondered how long it would be before she gave up on him as well. He felt he didn't deserve life. Suicide seemed pretty farfetched, Shinji wasn't so gone that he couldn't not see that. But he was fed up, he wanted a way out. And anyway, if he did die, wouldn't he see Kaworu again?
Shinji came back to reality. His mind told him he was going crazy, and he was in no place to disagree with that statement. Shinji quickly closed the drawer, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and headed back to the living room. He handed Misato her beer.
"Awww yeah! Hey Shinji-kun, what took ya so long?" Misato asked. "Uh..nothing.", he replied, pretending to concentrate on the television. Shinji hated it when Misato was drunk, she never stopped talking, and right now Shinji wasn't in the mood for talking.
"Hey Shinji, I realized something. Now that the Angels are all dead, you're a free man! We've soooo gotta have a party to celebrate! Right Pen-Pen??" Pen-Pen nodded in agreement. "who are you going to invite though Misato?" Shinji asked. Misato stopped smiling at that.
"Good night." Shinji got up and went to his room. Leaving Misato and Pen- Pen with identical confused looks on their faces.
Shinji lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep, he expected that though. He had school the next day, did they really expect him to go? It didn't seem right. Sure, he would go if he had to, and maybe it would take his mind off things. He just didn't feel like he could face everyone there, least of all, Rei. It would be.strange.
Still, he needed to get his mind off Kaworu. Else he'd go mad. He was a killer. He had killed a person. Kaworu actually hadn't done anything. In that case, then he was innocent. That made Shinji a worse person that he had previously imagined. If he did die..would Kaworu forgive him? Shinji stopped that train of thought. He turned over, sleep seemed a long way off. He felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes again, "I'm so sorry" he whispered. Could anyone believe that? It seemed like a killer would never be sorry enough.
A killer.
That thought followed him down when he finally found sleep.
"Rise and shine Shinji!!!" Misato yelled into Shinji's room the next morning. Shinji groaned and stuck his head under the pillow. "you better get up, you have school today, and you don't want your breakfast getting cold!!" she said cheerfully as she walked back into the living room. Probably to make more coffee. //I know how he feels, I went through the same thing after Kaji's death. But, I just don't know how to react when he's like this..//
Shinji slowly sat up in bed, he rubbed his eyes and already he could feel a black aura hanging over him. It was like a black raincloud, exclusively for him. //Probably has something to do with the dream// he absently though. Dream? Yes, he had a dream lastnight. He suspected his would, although he had hoped it would at least be something pleasant. But even that seemed like too much to ask for now.
It had been a short dream, but it still left Shinji feeling uneasy. In his dream he had been down in Terminal Dogma., sitting close to the LCL. Shinji guessed the dream must have been influenced by his random though of Kaworu being lonely in the LCL, because the boy lay in front of him, but he was still alive. Shinji didn't ask questions-it was a dream, and dreams aren't meant to be logical.
Kaworu looked different, there was blood on his cheeks, and when he opened his eyes to look up at Shinji, they were vacant. "Did you bring me back?" he asked softly. "Yes. I missed you." Shinji had replied. "I hate it here. Why did you bring me back? It didn't hurt on the other side." Kaworu stated accusingly. "I.I needed to know if you can forgive me. I cant live like this. Without knowing" Shinji had said. "Forgive you?" Kaworu almost laughed. "For killing me? Of course I can't forgive you. You are a killer, theres blood on your hands. Nobody can forgive a sin like that."
"What??". Shinji felt his heart crumble inside. How was he meant to live now? He looked down at his hands. They were indeed covered in blood. Angel's blood. "But you.you forced me to do it!" Shinji practically yelled at the boy. Kaworu continued to stare up at him, his blank eyes seeing nothing. "I forced you to do nothing. You didn't have to do anything, it was of your own free will. Now, you have your answer, can I go back now? You can't even leave me alone in death can you?", Kaworu asked.
Kaworu's eyes was practically unreadable, but Shinji could tell they held no word of a lie. It was true, Kaworu couldn't forgive him, and Kaworu hated him. "I'm.I'm sorry." Shinji stuttered in a lame attempt to make Kaworu change his mind. "No your not. You'll never be sorry." Shinji found it difficult to believe that somebody so sweet and beautiful in life could be so cruel like this now.
Slowly the dream faded from Shinji's mind and he shuddered. Is that what it would be like? Suddenly those kitchen knives didn't seem so attractive. Shinji quickly grabbed his clothes off the floor from where he had dumped them the night before and quickly got dressed for school. He grabbed his bag and was out the front door before Misato could stop him from leaving without breakfast.
To be continued (oooh!)
------------------------------------------------------------ RAR! So hows it so far? I have to write the rest up on the computer.its taking longer than I though! I know its pretty slow moving (but then, so is everything I werite!), but it'll get better. I hope! R&R pleeeeease!