Kokoro
by Moonstone 04
***
They're still in there.
As much as I tell myself that it's none of my business, I'm still lurking out here.
I feel pathetic. Pacing between the cabins, my eyes repeatedly drawn to what used to be the Captain's quarters. What do I think I'm doing? Would I go in there and interrupt whatever is going on? What kind of excuse could I give? I must be crazy.
She was taking so long checking the Catapult, I came out here to go see how she was doing. Just in time to see him go into her cabin. It's been so long... I didn't know these sort of possessive feelings still existed within me. Then she went into the cabin. And neither of them has come out yet. What are they doing in there?
I'm not naive enough to think I'm worried about her safety. Allen's a good guy. He obviously cares a lot about her, he'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her. Otherwise I'd have already gone in there. No, that's not it.
I'm so stupid. I gave up all right to these feelings a long time ago. They belong to a time and place long lost. To a person, I no longer am. It's over. I've moved on. We've both moved on.
Even if she still wears that pendant.
All the more reason I should keep my distance. I've done enough damage. She deserves someone who can give her something other than pain. If she ever knew... No. Never.
Another reason I was never worthy of her. I never could be honest with her. I could never tell her the truth about what we were doing. What I was doing. Everything. I don't know if I was protecting her from the harsh reality, or myself. Maybe both. I thought I was being kind. But I could never forgive myself for it. For everything I should have told her, wanted to tell her, and never did. As close as we were, I never even told her I loved her.
I just want her to be happy. Both of them. That's the only real reason I've come this close to them again. It's selfish in the face of the bigger picture, but it's the truth. Nephilim knows that. I am no longer anyone's puppet, not even hers. Even if it tears my heart into still more pieces, I'll atone for my sins.
Being this close to her again is a blessing and a curse. She is a reminder of everything I can never have, because of what I am. Yet her touch is something I thought I'd never know again... the music of her voice... her nearness... her smile... all akin to heaven and hell. In her eyes, pain and pleasure become one.
At last, I can speak with her again, stand beside her again. Even if it is all a lie I can never escape, even now. A cruel lie forged of kindness, designed to shield her from reality, at the cost of my own heart.
I'm startled out of my thoughts by the sound of the cabin door opening.
"chaos!" Shion puts her hands on her hips as she walks towards me. She's smiling, but I can tell she's ready to put the heat on me. "I thought you said you trusted me! Are you actually waiting out here for me to come out?"
Embarassed at being caught, I put hands behind my head, turning my face down in a poor attempt to hide my sheepish smile. "No! I was just looking around out here for the Hazardous Area Map! The Captain's always losing it."
"Oh, that." Shion shakes her head ruefully. "Tony was looking for it too. Didn't the Captain have it after all? Honestly, that man really is forgetful!"
"Yeah." I'm smiling like an idiot. I really can't help it around her. I'm usually not this overly cheerful, to tell the truth. "Well, I guess I can stop looking then."
"Alright. I'd better be getting back to the bridge." Shion leaves with a pleasant nod. I stand for several moments, watching her leave.
"...at the cost of my own heart..." I murmur.
by Moonstone 04
***
They're still in there.
As much as I tell myself that it's none of my business, I'm still lurking out here.
I feel pathetic. Pacing between the cabins, my eyes repeatedly drawn to what used to be the Captain's quarters. What do I think I'm doing? Would I go in there and interrupt whatever is going on? What kind of excuse could I give? I must be crazy.
She was taking so long checking the Catapult, I came out here to go see how she was doing. Just in time to see him go into her cabin. It's been so long... I didn't know these sort of possessive feelings still existed within me. Then she went into the cabin. And neither of them has come out yet. What are they doing in there?
I'm not naive enough to think I'm worried about her safety. Allen's a good guy. He obviously cares a lot about her, he'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her. Otherwise I'd have already gone in there. No, that's not it.
I'm so stupid. I gave up all right to these feelings a long time ago. They belong to a time and place long lost. To a person, I no longer am. It's over. I've moved on. We've both moved on.
Even if she still wears that pendant.
All the more reason I should keep my distance. I've done enough damage. She deserves someone who can give her something other than pain. If she ever knew... No. Never.
Another reason I was never worthy of her. I never could be honest with her. I could never tell her the truth about what we were doing. What I was doing. Everything. I don't know if I was protecting her from the harsh reality, or myself. Maybe both. I thought I was being kind. But I could never forgive myself for it. For everything I should have told her, wanted to tell her, and never did. As close as we were, I never even told her I loved her.
I just want her to be happy. Both of them. That's the only real reason I've come this close to them again. It's selfish in the face of the bigger picture, but it's the truth. Nephilim knows that. I am no longer anyone's puppet, not even hers. Even if it tears my heart into still more pieces, I'll atone for my sins.
Being this close to her again is a blessing and a curse. She is a reminder of everything I can never have, because of what I am. Yet her touch is something I thought I'd never know again... the music of her voice... her nearness... her smile... all akin to heaven and hell. In her eyes, pain and pleasure become one.
At last, I can speak with her again, stand beside her again. Even if it is all a lie I can never escape, even now. A cruel lie forged of kindness, designed to shield her from reality, at the cost of my own heart.
I'm startled out of my thoughts by the sound of the cabin door opening.
"chaos!" Shion puts her hands on her hips as she walks towards me. She's smiling, but I can tell she's ready to put the heat on me. "I thought you said you trusted me! Are you actually waiting out here for me to come out?"
Embarassed at being caught, I put hands behind my head, turning my face down in a poor attempt to hide my sheepish smile. "No! I was just looking around out here for the Hazardous Area Map! The Captain's always losing it."
"Oh, that." Shion shakes her head ruefully. "Tony was looking for it too. Didn't the Captain have it after all? Honestly, that man really is forgetful!"
"Yeah." I'm smiling like an idiot. I really can't help it around her. I'm usually not this overly cheerful, to tell the truth. "Well, I guess I can stop looking then."
"Alright. I'd better be getting back to the bridge." Shion leaves with a pleasant nod. I stand for several moments, watching her leave.
"...at the cost of my own heart..." I murmur.