This chapter is for Beckinsale, because, she persistently reminded me that
my story was lacking of an update, and I finally updated. So if you like
this story and you wanted me to update (don't think there's too many of
you, but.....) you can thank her! *applause for Becky* (also applaud Becky
for teaching me how to get the dot dot dots..... yay!)
Yep, I'm messed up. So here's your chapter.
PS: I have a new email ... kathleen@melaniedoane.com - so if you wanna send feedback, send it there.
--------Penny------
It's been a few days and Jake has tried to talk to me about a million times. I'd like to sit down with him, hash it all out. I'd feel better telling him my reasons for everything, why my mind had changed so suddenly.
It's not even the fact that it had changed; it's just that I was reminded of something, something that for one reason or another had slipped my mind.
I'd love to tell him that reason. But I've realized that maybe, being "Penny" and keeping everything bottled up is a good thing sometimes. Maybe it's okay to pity myself and be wrapped up in my own world (as Jake had put it), maybe it would be better to be the person that he sees me as, rather than the person that I've always wished I could be.
If I'd only stopped myself from telling him I love him, I wouldn't have kissed him. I wouldn't have hurt. I wouldn't have to avoid him every time he walks in the room.
Well, there's nothing I can do about it now. Once again, it's my fault. I'll deal with it.
Just like everything else. But now I know he'll always be thinking that I'm blaming him.
--------Jake--------
She won't talk to me.
I'm going crazy!
I can't get all of the horrible things that I said to her out of my mind. The words just keep replaying in my head, and no matter what I do, I can't tune them out.
How could I have been so insensitive?
Y'know, I said that Penny only thinks of herself. But I only think of myself. I mean, when she told me she loved me, who did I worry about? Me! And then I flip out yelling at her, pinning her as this horrible person, just because I was rejected. I blamed her for everything.
I'm starting to think that when I described Penny, I actually described myself. Could this be true?
All I want to do is talk to her. I want to apologize. I want to know where things stand.
If only she could give me that chance. If only she'd hear me out. If only I could make things right. If only...
If only I knew what I was going to say, 'cause she just walked through my door.
--------Penny------
Damn..... there are too many messages now to just give them to him later. And this one looks important. Maybe I should just go into his office.
I walk to his office and stand outside his door. Breathe. He's going to ask me questions. I just need to ignore them. Give him his messages and leave. In and out, really quick.
I open the door and his focus turns to me. He looks scared, like he's a lost child. I soften a little bit, but I try not to let my face show it. Remember, I don't care about anyone else. I only care about myself.
"Here are your messages," I say, walking over to his desk and handing them to him.
"Uh..... thanks," he says, still staring at me.
"No problem," I reply awkwardly. "Okay, so, I'll just be going-"
"No, wait!" he shouts, louder than he meant to, 'cause his face is once again in a state of shock and fear.
"What?" I ask, although I know what's coming.
"Look, Penny, we need to talk. I think that-"
"Not now," I interrupt him.
"But why? This needs to happen, and it should be sooner, rather than later."
"Not now because we're in the office, and we both know that someone can very easily interrupt us. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay, right. How about I take you out for lunch, we can talk then," he says.
I look at him in disbelief. "Jake, lunch was an hour ago." He must really be out of it.
"What? It was? Maybe that's why I'm so hungry." He looks embarrassed.
"Maybe," I say, trying not to smile.
"Okay..... what about dinner then? After work, you and me go out."
"Um. Sure."
"And we'll talk."
"Whatever. See you later."
I leave his office and sit at my desk. Great. I have to talk to him tonight. I have to tell him things, everything. I have to break a heart.....
But at least it's only mine.
--------Jake--------
I've called and booked a fancy restaurant to take Penny to. I want the very best for her; I want to show her how much I care for her and how much I want us to try a relationship. I want to apologize to her over caviar, I want to pour her wine and hold her hand. I want to smile at her; I want to make her laugh. I want to look deep into her gorgeous eyes; I want to smell her hair. I want to kiss her.
I just want her. And I want her to know that I want her. And I want her to want me.
All along I've wanted Dylan, and now I want her opposite; I want Penny. It's strange.....
But there's no time to dwell on that. I need to work so that I'm done everything in time to take her out.
And I need to plan my speech so that I impress her. I need to give her an offer she can't refuse.
I need this night to be perfect. And considering the fact that she'll be there, it very well could be.
--------Penny------
This night will be hell. I'm going to be forced to sit at a table with Jake, eat a bunch of food, smile like I'm having fun..... and then I have to tell my reasons, deal with his yelling, and then kill myself because I've just given up something so unbelievably amazing that I don't deserve to live anymore.
On top of that, I have a headache.
Life is good.
I don't think I can do this. I can't prolong it the whole night. It needs to happen now.
Jake walks out of his office and comes over to me smiling. "You ready to go?"
"I don't know Jake, I mean-"
"Come on! I have reservations at The Colonnade Room. Do you know how hard those are to get?"
"I know but- wait a minute," I pause, "why do you have reservations at The Colonnade Room?"
"Because it's a nice restaurant, and I wanted to take you somewhere nice," he says matter-of-factly.
"Why would you want to take me somewhere nice?" I ask.
"Because, Penny, you deserve the best."
I sigh. He's so sweet. Why do I have to do this? Why can't it happen? Why can't I just grab him and kiss him, and go to the restaurant and do stupid things like hold hands and eat caviar.
But I know why. And I hate why.
"Jake, come here." I gesture towards the seat at my desk.
"Okay," he says uncertainly, then sits down. I stand in front of him, leaning up against my desk.
"We need to talk," I say.
"Yeah, I know, that's why we were going to dinner."
"No, Jake, we need to talk now." He nods, and I sigh, and look into his eyes. "First of all, I think it's really nice that you booked such a fancy restaurant for me. But, I'm not a fancy person. It wouldn't matter to me where you took me, as long as I was with you." He smiles at me. My heart aches. I don't know how to say the next thing I need to say.
"That's sweet, Penny. But I'd still like to bring you to a nice place. As I've said, you deserve the best," he says, smiling.
"No, Jake, I don't," I say, shaking my head.
"What are you talking about? Of course you do!"
"Jake, you see me as, well, I don't know what you see me as, but it's not who I see me as. The way you described me the other day, I said you don't know me very well. But you do, because that's exactly who I am. I didn't know it at the time, because I didn't know who I was. But I think I do now, and I'm not who you seem to think I am."
"Penny, what I said the other day was uncalled for. I made you out to be this horrible person, and that's not who you are at all. You're a wonderful person!"
"No, I'm not! I'm just the way you said I was. Just like you said, the problem with me is-"
"The problem with you is you try to tell yourself who you are. You try to deny what you're really like, and you try to form yourself into someone else. You try to ignore the fact that you're actually caring, and beautiful, and worthy of love. But I see it; I see all of it. And I think you're amazing."
Why is it that, so many times, he can be so stupid and say the perfectly wrong thing, but at a time when you need to hate him, he's sweet and wonderful? It's not fair. But what else is new?
"Jake, you don't see it, because it isn't there. You only think it is. See, the problem with you is you create personalities for people. Look what you did with Dylan! You didn't even know her and you had her pegged as this perfect goddess that no one else could compare to. And then you got to know her, and you discovered she has flaws, just like the rest of us."
"I may have done that with Dylan, yes, but I haven't done that with you. I know you Penny. I doubted it before, but I know I do."
I sigh. "Yes, Jake, you know me. You described me the other day as a selfish, rude, frightened, confused person."
"Okay, if you're the way you say you are, what is the real reason you said we can't be together?"
I hesitate. Should I tell the truth? Or should I lie?
"The reason we can't be together is..... it's what you said. I'm too scared that I might get what I want. And I don't know what I want. And....." I look away, this hurts too much to say, "I don't love you."
I swallow hard and look at the floor. I can't look at his face, I don't want to see his expression. There is a very long, silent pause.
"You're lying," he says, finally.
I stay staring at the floor and say "No, I'm not."
"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."
I look up into his beautiful eyes. "I.....I-I d-...." I breathe in hard, "I love you." I can't say it!
He smiles. "I knew you were lying."
I sigh. He really does know me. "Okay, so maybe I am caring, and those other things. It's not like I show it!"
"I know you don't show it. You hide it. You put up a wall so no one can see it."
"Then how come you see it?"
"I don't know....."
We're both silent for a while. Lost in our thoughts. I don't know what to say anymore.
"So, can we be together now? Can you do this?" he asks, sounding hopeful.
I look at him. "No, we can't. I can't."
He frowns, and I hate it. His face looks much better with a smile on it. "I don't understand why."
"Do you want the real reason?"
"Yes."
"The real reason is Dylan," I say flatly.
"That's not a reason, Penny."
"Yes, it is. Look, I know you think you want me and that you're over Dylan. You're not. The day I told you I loved you you were flirting with her. Right in front of me! That's why I looked so mad. You only think you're over her because now you know that I want you. And you want to be over her, because it could be a long time before you ever get her, and it would be so much easier to be with me. But I don't want to be the easy option, Jake. I want to be a single option in a sea of a million ones, and I want to be the special one you choose. I want there to be no doubt in your mind that I'm the right girl. I want there to be no other girls on your brain whatsoever. I want to be the only one. And until you get over Dylan, I'm none of that. I'm just the rebound girl."
He looks at me, and I think he now understands what I mean.
"So, how do I get over her? How do I get her out of my system?"
"You either get with her and realize she's not right, or you find closure. You get a rebound girl, you do something so that you don't think about her anymore, and so that you don't care about where she is and what she's doing, or who she's with."
"And, what about you?"
I smile slightly. "You don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I always am."
He smiles at me. "Come here," he says, and pulls me into a hug. "You are the strongest, most amazing person I've ever met. And someday, someone is going to sweep you off your feet and be everything you've ever dreamed of."
"Someone?" I ask, still wrapped in his arms.
"Yeah..... someone, that is hopefully me," he says, pulling back slightly.
He kisses me in a quick, friendly way on the lips, then hugs me again and kisses my forehead.
All I can think of is, I also hope that that someone is him.
-------------------
The end. Did I piss you off yet?
I might write a sequel later on. Let me know if you want a sequel, or if you don't, or if you think I suck and I should never write again ever.
Yep, I'm messed up. So here's your chapter.
PS: I have a new email ... kathleen@melaniedoane.com - so if you wanna send feedback, send it there.
--------Penny------
It's been a few days and Jake has tried to talk to me about a million times. I'd like to sit down with him, hash it all out. I'd feel better telling him my reasons for everything, why my mind had changed so suddenly.
It's not even the fact that it had changed; it's just that I was reminded of something, something that for one reason or another had slipped my mind.
I'd love to tell him that reason. But I've realized that maybe, being "Penny" and keeping everything bottled up is a good thing sometimes. Maybe it's okay to pity myself and be wrapped up in my own world (as Jake had put it), maybe it would be better to be the person that he sees me as, rather than the person that I've always wished I could be.
If I'd only stopped myself from telling him I love him, I wouldn't have kissed him. I wouldn't have hurt. I wouldn't have to avoid him every time he walks in the room.
Well, there's nothing I can do about it now. Once again, it's my fault. I'll deal with it.
Just like everything else. But now I know he'll always be thinking that I'm blaming him.
--------Jake--------
She won't talk to me.
I'm going crazy!
I can't get all of the horrible things that I said to her out of my mind. The words just keep replaying in my head, and no matter what I do, I can't tune them out.
How could I have been so insensitive?
Y'know, I said that Penny only thinks of herself. But I only think of myself. I mean, when she told me she loved me, who did I worry about? Me! And then I flip out yelling at her, pinning her as this horrible person, just because I was rejected. I blamed her for everything.
I'm starting to think that when I described Penny, I actually described myself. Could this be true?
All I want to do is talk to her. I want to apologize. I want to know where things stand.
If only she could give me that chance. If only she'd hear me out. If only I could make things right. If only...
If only I knew what I was going to say, 'cause she just walked through my door.
--------Penny------
Damn..... there are too many messages now to just give them to him later. And this one looks important. Maybe I should just go into his office.
I walk to his office and stand outside his door. Breathe. He's going to ask me questions. I just need to ignore them. Give him his messages and leave. In and out, really quick.
I open the door and his focus turns to me. He looks scared, like he's a lost child. I soften a little bit, but I try not to let my face show it. Remember, I don't care about anyone else. I only care about myself.
"Here are your messages," I say, walking over to his desk and handing them to him.
"Uh..... thanks," he says, still staring at me.
"No problem," I reply awkwardly. "Okay, so, I'll just be going-"
"No, wait!" he shouts, louder than he meant to, 'cause his face is once again in a state of shock and fear.
"What?" I ask, although I know what's coming.
"Look, Penny, we need to talk. I think that-"
"Not now," I interrupt him.
"But why? This needs to happen, and it should be sooner, rather than later."
"Not now because we're in the office, and we both know that someone can very easily interrupt us. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay, right. How about I take you out for lunch, we can talk then," he says.
I look at him in disbelief. "Jake, lunch was an hour ago." He must really be out of it.
"What? It was? Maybe that's why I'm so hungry." He looks embarrassed.
"Maybe," I say, trying not to smile.
"Okay..... what about dinner then? After work, you and me go out."
"Um. Sure."
"And we'll talk."
"Whatever. See you later."
I leave his office and sit at my desk. Great. I have to talk to him tonight. I have to tell him things, everything. I have to break a heart.....
But at least it's only mine.
--------Jake--------
I've called and booked a fancy restaurant to take Penny to. I want the very best for her; I want to show her how much I care for her and how much I want us to try a relationship. I want to apologize to her over caviar, I want to pour her wine and hold her hand. I want to smile at her; I want to make her laugh. I want to look deep into her gorgeous eyes; I want to smell her hair. I want to kiss her.
I just want her. And I want her to know that I want her. And I want her to want me.
All along I've wanted Dylan, and now I want her opposite; I want Penny. It's strange.....
But there's no time to dwell on that. I need to work so that I'm done everything in time to take her out.
And I need to plan my speech so that I impress her. I need to give her an offer she can't refuse.
I need this night to be perfect. And considering the fact that she'll be there, it very well could be.
--------Penny------
This night will be hell. I'm going to be forced to sit at a table with Jake, eat a bunch of food, smile like I'm having fun..... and then I have to tell my reasons, deal with his yelling, and then kill myself because I've just given up something so unbelievably amazing that I don't deserve to live anymore.
On top of that, I have a headache.
Life is good.
I don't think I can do this. I can't prolong it the whole night. It needs to happen now.
Jake walks out of his office and comes over to me smiling. "You ready to go?"
"I don't know Jake, I mean-"
"Come on! I have reservations at The Colonnade Room. Do you know how hard those are to get?"
"I know but- wait a minute," I pause, "why do you have reservations at The Colonnade Room?"
"Because it's a nice restaurant, and I wanted to take you somewhere nice," he says matter-of-factly.
"Why would you want to take me somewhere nice?" I ask.
"Because, Penny, you deserve the best."
I sigh. He's so sweet. Why do I have to do this? Why can't it happen? Why can't I just grab him and kiss him, and go to the restaurant and do stupid things like hold hands and eat caviar.
But I know why. And I hate why.
"Jake, come here." I gesture towards the seat at my desk.
"Okay," he says uncertainly, then sits down. I stand in front of him, leaning up against my desk.
"We need to talk," I say.
"Yeah, I know, that's why we were going to dinner."
"No, Jake, we need to talk now." He nods, and I sigh, and look into his eyes. "First of all, I think it's really nice that you booked such a fancy restaurant for me. But, I'm not a fancy person. It wouldn't matter to me where you took me, as long as I was with you." He smiles at me. My heart aches. I don't know how to say the next thing I need to say.
"That's sweet, Penny. But I'd still like to bring you to a nice place. As I've said, you deserve the best," he says, smiling.
"No, Jake, I don't," I say, shaking my head.
"What are you talking about? Of course you do!"
"Jake, you see me as, well, I don't know what you see me as, but it's not who I see me as. The way you described me the other day, I said you don't know me very well. But you do, because that's exactly who I am. I didn't know it at the time, because I didn't know who I was. But I think I do now, and I'm not who you seem to think I am."
"Penny, what I said the other day was uncalled for. I made you out to be this horrible person, and that's not who you are at all. You're a wonderful person!"
"No, I'm not! I'm just the way you said I was. Just like you said, the problem with me is-"
"The problem with you is you try to tell yourself who you are. You try to deny what you're really like, and you try to form yourself into someone else. You try to ignore the fact that you're actually caring, and beautiful, and worthy of love. But I see it; I see all of it. And I think you're amazing."
Why is it that, so many times, he can be so stupid and say the perfectly wrong thing, but at a time when you need to hate him, he's sweet and wonderful? It's not fair. But what else is new?
"Jake, you don't see it, because it isn't there. You only think it is. See, the problem with you is you create personalities for people. Look what you did with Dylan! You didn't even know her and you had her pegged as this perfect goddess that no one else could compare to. And then you got to know her, and you discovered she has flaws, just like the rest of us."
"I may have done that with Dylan, yes, but I haven't done that with you. I know you Penny. I doubted it before, but I know I do."
I sigh. "Yes, Jake, you know me. You described me the other day as a selfish, rude, frightened, confused person."
"Okay, if you're the way you say you are, what is the real reason you said we can't be together?"
I hesitate. Should I tell the truth? Or should I lie?
"The reason we can't be together is..... it's what you said. I'm too scared that I might get what I want. And I don't know what I want. And....." I look away, this hurts too much to say, "I don't love you."
I swallow hard and look at the floor. I can't look at his face, I don't want to see his expression. There is a very long, silent pause.
"You're lying," he says, finally.
I stay staring at the floor and say "No, I'm not."
"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."
I look up into his beautiful eyes. "I.....I-I d-...." I breathe in hard, "I love you." I can't say it!
He smiles. "I knew you were lying."
I sigh. He really does know me. "Okay, so maybe I am caring, and those other things. It's not like I show it!"
"I know you don't show it. You hide it. You put up a wall so no one can see it."
"Then how come you see it?"
"I don't know....."
We're both silent for a while. Lost in our thoughts. I don't know what to say anymore.
"So, can we be together now? Can you do this?" he asks, sounding hopeful.
I look at him. "No, we can't. I can't."
He frowns, and I hate it. His face looks much better with a smile on it. "I don't understand why."
"Do you want the real reason?"
"Yes."
"The real reason is Dylan," I say flatly.
"That's not a reason, Penny."
"Yes, it is. Look, I know you think you want me and that you're over Dylan. You're not. The day I told you I loved you you were flirting with her. Right in front of me! That's why I looked so mad. You only think you're over her because now you know that I want you. And you want to be over her, because it could be a long time before you ever get her, and it would be so much easier to be with me. But I don't want to be the easy option, Jake. I want to be a single option in a sea of a million ones, and I want to be the special one you choose. I want there to be no doubt in your mind that I'm the right girl. I want there to be no other girls on your brain whatsoever. I want to be the only one. And until you get over Dylan, I'm none of that. I'm just the rebound girl."
He looks at me, and I think he now understands what I mean.
"So, how do I get over her? How do I get her out of my system?"
"You either get with her and realize she's not right, or you find closure. You get a rebound girl, you do something so that you don't think about her anymore, and so that you don't care about where she is and what she's doing, or who she's with."
"And, what about you?"
I smile slightly. "You don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I always am."
He smiles at me. "Come here," he says, and pulls me into a hug. "You are the strongest, most amazing person I've ever met. And someday, someone is going to sweep you off your feet and be everything you've ever dreamed of."
"Someone?" I ask, still wrapped in his arms.
"Yeah..... someone, that is hopefully me," he says, pulling back slightly.
He kisses me in a quick, friendly way on the lips, then hugs me again and kisses my forehead.
All I can think of is, I also hope that that someone is him.
-------------------
The end. Did I piss you off yet?
I might write a sequel later on. Let me know if you want a sequel, or if you don't, or if you think I suck and I should never write again ever.