November 5, 1996—two months pregnant

…

The following Saturday afternoon was when Hiei had his first ultrasound. Kurama said they'd get to see what the baby looked like and hear its heartbeat, but to be honest, Hiei was a little worried about his husband. Hiei knew that Kurama wanted to keep the baby. What if, once Kurama saw the baby and heard its heartbeat, he wasn't willing to put it up for adoption anymore? What if he saw it as having to choose between Hiei and the baby, and he chose the baby? What if he divorced Hiei and sued for custody? Hiei just couldn't bear the thought of it.

Maybe I shouldn't let him stay in the room, Hiei thought, seeing that Kurama looked more glum than gleeful as he packed his messenger bag for their trip to the hospital. He was trying to hide it, but it was easy to see. Hiei probably wouldn't have even gone to the ultrasound, but he wanted his baby to be happy and healthy. And one of the best ways to do that was to see his obstetrician regularly.

Over the past few weeks, things had changed for the newly pregnant demon. Many a night, he had pictured what thae baby must look like inside of him, and he swore sometimes he could feel it there, feel its youki, even hear the little heartbeats inside of him. And sometimes he had nightmares; just last night he had dreamed that he was leaving the baby with an adoptive family that lived in an apartment, and there was a hole in the floor that the baby fell through. In his dream, Hiei dug frantically through the rubble until he found the baby. For a few panic-stricken seconds, Hiei thought the baby's neck was broken and that it was dead—until it looked up at him and smiled, perfectly okay. And he told the adoptive family that the baby wasn't coming anywhere near their house ever again.

When he awoke in the middle of the night, Hiei grabbed onto the sleeping Kurama, trying to take comfort in the closeness. He had never felt fear like that. Ever. Never for himself or any of his teammates or even Yukina. It had been blind terror, fire running through his veins, hoping against hope that even after the accident, his baby was still alive. And once he found that it was, the relief was immense. He could never stand to see any harm come to his baby…which was exactly why he wanted to keep it out of his unqualified hands, and into those of a loving Makaian family, someone much more competent.

But that wasn't fair, either, Hiei realized, as he watched Kurama put on his shoes and fling his messenger bag over his shoulder. Couldn't Kurama understand that Hiei never had any doubts that he'd be a wonderful father? He was one of the most responsible, mature men in all of Japan, maybe even the world. And no one would love the baby more than he did. Maybe it would be better if Kurama took the baby and left. Maybe that was what the baby deserved. What they both deserved. Hiei didn't realize how upset the whole thing made him until he felt tears running down his cheeks again. Really?!

"Hiei," said Kurama, turning around once he heard the sound of Hiei's tears hitting the floor. "What's wrong?"

"M-Maybe you should just divorce me." Hiei was trying to stop his tears, but they just kept falling, like a spring rain. Talking just seemed to make it worse.

"Hiei, what…?" Kurama seemed confused, and Hiei didn't blame him. He was confused, too. Confused and upset. "Divorce you? Why?"

"Because…because I can't think of a better father for the baby," Hiei said, his lip trembling. "So I want you to have it."

With that, Hiei fell back onto the couch again, weeping. He felt unreasonable, embarrassed, stupid, confused, and even guilty for some reason. It was all just too much for him to handle. Kurama sat down next to him and hugged him until he stopped crying.

"Hiei, you don't have to feel bad about your decision to put the baby up for adoption," Kurama said as he wiped Hiei's tears away with his handkerchief. "I'll get over this. I promise."

"But I don't want you to get over it." Hiei's voice was a little higher-pitched than he would have liked, but it was all he could do to keep his tears in again. "I…I thought that maybe once you saw the baby in the ultrasound, and…and heard its heartbeat…" Hiei swallowed. "You might take the baby and leave. But then I thought, you'd be a good father, and if that's what would make you happy…"

"Being with you is what would make me happy, Hiei," said Kurama, giving Hiei a smile. "I won't deny that keeping the baby would make me happy, but not if it means I can't be with you. We're a team, remember? We always have been, and we always will be. I will never leave you. Okay?"

"Are you sure?" Hiei looked up at Kurama, blinking tears out of his eyes.

"I'm sure." Kurama closed his eyes and went in for a gentle kiss, gently brushing Hiei's cheek with one soft but strong hand. "Now, are you ready to go to the hospital?"

"Yes." Hiei sniffled. "Let's go."

…

Kurama had been growing concerned about Hiei's mental health during the pregnancy, and this did not exactly help him feel better about things. Kurama would have loved to keep the baby, but not if it meant abandoning Hiei. Whenever he pictured himself raising the child, Hiei was always right there alongside him. But this concern was not an isolated incident, so Kurama decided that he was going to do the only thing he could do, which was speak with the doctor. And just knowing that he could consult a professional put his mind a little more at ease.

Shortly after Hiei's first appointment with Dr. Setchi, Kurama had spoken with Koenma about the special circumstances, and a long-term portal to Makai had been set up by their house. It was in the surrounding woods, so there was little to no chance that a human would unwittingly stumble into it.

This time, they were able to navigate the hospital just fine. The elevator trip was still unpleasant and did no wonders for Hiei's sickness, but at least nobody was eating anything this time. They arrived at the ultrasound room without incident, escorted in there by the nurse, who handed Hiei another paper gown.

"It's weird that they want me to use one of these," Hiei commented as he changed into it. Kurama neatly folded up all his clothes and stored them under the chairs. "Can't they just pull my shirt up? I've seen it a bunch of times on TV."

"It's too early in your pregnancy to do that yet," Kurama explained. "The baby is still too small, and too deep in your pelvic area. So they're going to probe you anally."

"Well, that would explain why you gave me all those laxatives," said Hiei. "How many times during this pregnancy am I going to have things shoved up my ass?"

Kurama grinned. "If you didn't like things being shoved up your ass, Hiei, we wouldn't be here to begin with."

"Oh, shut up," said Hiei.

This time, the pregnant demon got his hospital gown on before the doctor came in, and he climbed up on the examining table. Kurama went out into the hallway to intercept Dr. Setchi before she could come inside.

"Why, hello, Kurama," she greeted him with a smile. "Hiei is in there, isn't he?"

"Yes," said Kurama seriously. "But I've had some concerns lately regarding the pregnancy, and I'd like to speak with you alone after the appointment is over. And I would appreciate it if we kept the conversation between the two of us. Is that all right?"

"I'll make a note of it," she promised. "Just excuse yourself while he's changing into his clothes, and we can talk right out here."

"Of course," said Kurama. "Thank you."

…

Hiei was sitting on the examining table, dangling his legs as he observed the ultrasound machine and all the other medical equipment, when Kurama walked back in the room with Dr. Setchi. Although he still didn't feel great about being in his revealing gown in a hospital about to be probed anally, Hiei felt safer with her than he had when they first met.

"Good afternoon, Hiei," said Dr. Setchi. "How are you feeling? Is anything out of the ordinary? Are your symptoms getting any better?"

"They're getting worse," Hiei told her miserably.

"Well, you'll reach your second trimester in a few weeks, so while I can't promise anything, chances are things will get better very soon," she reassured him. "Just remember to get enough rest, and avoid stress as much as possible. Hang in there." She smiled and looked down at her clipboard. "Now, did you come with a completely empty system?"

"Yes," said Hiei, thinking of Kurama's plants.

"Good," said the doctor. "Now, please lie down on your left side."

"W-What?"

"Well, we certainly can't do this sitting," she said. "I have my male patients lay on their side while the probe is being inserted."

"Oh…right." Hiei lay down on the examination table and turned on his side like she asked. He was relieved to see that she lubricated the wand-like device first, and that it wasn't very big, but he still hoped it wouldn't cause any embarrassing bodily reactions. Needless to say, he still didn't want her to think he was getting off on it.

"We'll be able to see inside the ninshinsu this way, correct?" said Kurama, holding Hiei's hand.

"This opening leads directly to it," said Dr. Setchi. "We'll also be able to hear the baby's heart beating, which should be about 80 BPM, or beats per minute."

"That's a normal human heart rate, isn't it?" said Kurama.

"Yes," said the doctor, "but it's much faster than the heart rate of your average demon. It will slow down to a normal rate as the pregnancy progresses. Now, Hiei, just try to relax and loosen your muscles, okay? This might feel a little strange, but it won't hurt."

Hiei realized he'd been clenching, and tried to stop. He winced in discomfort as the cold, hard, slightly wet probe was inserted. It didn't feel anything like being penetrated by a man, which was probably a good thing. Kurama gave Hiei's hand a gentle squeeze as the pregnant demon tried to discern whether the feeling in his stomach was nervousness or regular pregnancy nausea. He was staring at the ground, trying to disassociate with his surroundings and avoid stress like she said, but then he heard it.

Hiei's head jerked up suddenly; his eyes widened and his mouth fell open. That sound, that steady, peaceful sound…It was just like Kurama's human heartbeat, when Hiei would snuggle up to him and night and lose himself in that familiar, soothing rhythm.

"There it is," said Dr. Setchi cheerfully. "There's your baby."

There was a grayish image on the screen, sort of like TV static, with what looked like a small black hole in the middle. The black hole was a little fuzzy, too, but in the whole image, Hiei didn't see anything that looked like a baby.

"What's wrong with the screen?" he demanded.

"Nothing's wrong, Hiei," said Kurama, stroking Hiei's bangs back with his hand. "That black hole there is the ninshinsu. And the baby's inside of it."

"Exactly," the doctor agreed, pointing. "And he or she is looking very healthy. Good size, strong heartbeat, signs of movement in the womb, no problems I can see here. If you look, you can see the head, with the brain developing inside, and there are some arm and leg buds right here."

"Buds?" said Hiei.

"Yes, because they're going to grow," said Kurama. "And there's the heart. See it pumping? It's small, but if you look closely, you can see it."

It seemed so surreal, all of it. Of course Hiei had known he was pregnant, but only now was he beginning to realize what being pregnant truly meant. For the past few weeks, this perfect specimen of life had been inside him. Even though the baby was too small for him to feel it moving yet, he could see it jerking around a little, still getting used to those arm and leg buds. The heart was there, too, the tiny but fully-developed essential organ beating in time with the sound they heard.

Hiei expected Kurama to be upset again, because he couldn't keep this baby, but when he turned to look, he had never seen such a look of pure joy on his husband's face. His tear-filled green eyes were following the movements on the screen as he massaged Hiei's hand, completely lost to the world around him.

As he watched the baby on the screen, Hiei kept swallowing and swallowing, the realization hitting him like a truck. He thought Kurama would be the one to fall in love today, but all this time, all these protective feelings he'd been having, all those nightmares, the connection he felt with the baby and its youki…that was love. Unconditional love for this little being he had been carrying around inside him for the past few weeks. It was unlike any love he had ever felt before; different than the love he felt for his husband, or for his sister, or for his friends. It was accompanied by the knowledge that after ending so many lives, now he was creating one. It was a part of him. And it was a part of Kurama, too.

Maybe that was what did it—the thought of a little baby genius popping out of him and running around Makai, either manipulating plants or setting them ablaze with everything else—but for the first time since his pregnancy began, Hiei found himself laughing and crying at the same time. Sobs seemed to come from his chest, but laughter bubbled out with them. It was the most filling, pure sensation, and he never wanted it to end.

"Our baby looks perfect, Hiei," Kurama whispered, bending down to give Hiei a hug. "Thank you for bringing it into the world. I love you so much."

"That's right…" Hiei was still in his husband's embrace, but his crimson-red eyes never left the ultrasound screen. "Our baby. I love you, too."

…

Kurama was still wiping tears from his eyes when the ultrasound was over. Hiei had cried, too, but he seemed happy, which Kurama was glad to see. But that didn't mean he wasn't going to have his talk with Dr. Setchi. So when Hiei was changing out of the hospital gown and into his regular clothes, the fox-demon stepped out into the hall, and they walked a few steps away from the ultrasound room.

"What was it you wanted to talk about in private, Kurama?" Dr. Setchi asked, adjusting her glasses as she gave him a curious look.

"It's Hiei's mental health," Kurama confessed. "Maybe this is normal and I'm overreacting, but his mental health has never been the best to begin with, and these past few days I've been wondering if he's really just having mood swings, or if it's something more…more sinister."

"Does he have any history of suicidal behaviors or depressive episodes?" she asked.

"Not…not that I know of," Kurama said helplessly. After all, did he really know all of what Hiei did before they got married? When he was living with Mukuro? Before the two of them even met? "I don't know for sure if he's ever attempted suicide or gone through major depression…I wish I could help you more, but Hiei isn't an open book, even to me, and I've always tried to respect his boundaries." Kurama shook his head. "I just hate seeing him like this."

"I'm very glad you chose to spoke to me about this, Kurama," Dr. Setchi said. From the way she looked directly into his eyes, he could tell she was serious. "I know it's hard to see someone you love suffer, and it's also hard to tell whether the behaviors are just regular mood swings or actually something to be concerned about. And you definitely don't want to wait until it's too late, especially if he has a history of mental health issues, or a family history of suicide."

"His…his mother took her own life," Kurama said quietly. "His childhood wasn't the best, and that has caused him to doubt his own competency as a parent. Earlier today he started telling me to divorce him because I would be a good father, but he wouldn't. I try my best to comfort him, but I came to you because I don't think it's working."

"Right now, Hiei is going through one of the most difficult stages of pregnancy," said Dr. Setchi. "So his moods very well may straighten out on their own once he reaches the second trimester in a few weeks. Until then, make sure you carefully monitor him for any red flags. If he's constantly depressed, starts losing interest in things he once enjoyed, or says anything that makes you think he may be in immediate danger, call for emergency help and do not leave him alone, especially since he has a family history of suicide. Make sure you encourage him to speak about his feelings, and don't let him neglect his self-care or engage in destructive behaviors."

"Such as?"

"As a medical professional, the main self-destructive behavior I see in demons is picking a fight with someone they know they can't defeat," she replied. "Generally, just heading into battle with a desire to harm themselves. Of course there's always a chance of defeat or even death in any battle a demon might find himself in, but I'm sure you understand the difference between fighting for something important even if you'll probably die versus fighting with the intent to die or become severely injured."

Kurama could recall a few times where Hiei had been bored or in a bad mood and tried to goad him into a fight where he could have gotten hurt. Those behaviors were so easy to see through, and Kurama had never taken the bait, but he couldn't say the same for anyone else Hiei might encounter. He couldn't guarantee that a self-destructive Hiei would never meet someone who wasn't as hesitant to harm him if he touched a nerve.

"But there are others," the doctor continued, "like consuming harmful substances, and self-harm. Let me know if he doesn't improve or gets worse, but sometimes just being there really helps."

"I'll keep all that in mind," Kurama promised. "Thank you."

On his way back into the hospital room, Kurama wondered if perhaps he hadn't crossed a line there, talking with Dr. Setchi without Hiei's input. Hiei might be pissed if he knew. But at the same time, he knew Hiei wouldn't have been open to participating in such a discussion. And if they hadn't had it, Kurama might not have known what to look out for or what to do if Hiei really was in danger. Now, he could only hope that Dr. Setchi was right, and that the second trimester would be a little easier on Hiei and his moods.

…

The next day, Hiei and Kurama invited Yukina over to watch the videotape of the sonogram, as well as look at the photos. Yukina cried openly, her yellow tearstones landing onto the couch and the hardwood floors.

"Oh, Hiei, it's a miracle," she wept, watching the baby move around on their television screen. "I love it already. When are we going to tell everyone?"

"I-I'm not sure yet," Hiei admitted. "I want to take my time with this. Especially since we're not keeping it."

Hiei hated to see the disappointed looks on both her and Kurama's faces, but he just tried to ignore them, especially because he had an anxious feeling in his stomach recently whenever he thought about the baby, and he didn't like to bring the topic up too much.

"It's your choice, I suppose," Yukina said finally, wiping away a tear. "If the baby's happy and healthy, that's what's important."

"Exactly, and Hiei, too," Kurama added.

"What about you, you idiot?" said Hiei. "Don't you care if you're happy and healthy?"

"Of course," said Kurama, and he gave Hiei a kiss on the lips, then another on his bloated abdomen. "But don't think for one second that I'm going to put myself before you two."

"That's ridiculous. You don't need to worry about us." Hiei rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed with Kurama's doting, but secretly, he couldn't have been more pleased.