Title: Will You Be There
Author: Angie
Email: hill@grics.net
Rating: R
Disclaimers CSI Crime Scene Investigation does not belong to me, they are
the property of CBS, Alliance Atlantis, Jerry Bruckheimer, Anthony Zuiker, and the wonderful
actors who portray them. The song is "Will You Be There (In The Morning) " by Heart, written by Robert John "Mutt" Lange. This is a beautiful song, and I highly recommend picking up either their greatest hits, or live album to hear this song.
Author's Notes: This fic is a bit different for me, different format then I usually write, but I like to try new things. I heard this song at work one day and this fic immediately popped into my head, and then I sat on it for a month trying to decide if I liked it. After a bit of coercion, I've decided to post it. Many thanks to Laeta and Suzanne for betaing this, trust me… it needed it. And I know I'm the type that tends to skip song lyrics in fics, I know I shouldn't but I do, but read the lyrics with this. They purposefully either lead where the next section is going or tie up what happened in the previous section.
Spoilers: nothing really
Distribution: The GraveshiftCSI Homepage, www.graveshiftcsi.com
~*~*~*~
Eddie did this to me. I was never this closed off before I met him. I remember the night I met him, I was working that night when he first walked through the door. My eyes immediately found him through the smoke and bright lights. I still don't know what it was that caught my attention. My rule, the one rule I said I would never break was "never get involved with one of my customers." I always followed that rule, until that night.
I was in an alcoholic daze the first time we fucked. I don't even remember how it was or what transpired, though from the various bruises I'm sure it was as vigorous as Eddie always liked it.
I do remember the morning after that first night. The sensation of the coldness next to me as I woke up trying to piece together the previous evening. I never have fully remembered what happened that night. It was a full two days before I even saw him again, and I'm almost embarrassed to admit that the same thing happened again.
We quickly fell into a routine, only the alcoholic daze soon escalated to a drug induced haze. First it was marijuana, and then cocaine which immediately became my drug of choice. It was during one of these drug induced hazes that we first married. It was our anniversary, a year since we had met. I have to admit I'm still shocked that he actually remembered. He was different that day, sweet. Well, as sweet as Eddie Willows could get. He showed up on my doorstep that morning with doughnuts and a present. Looking at the package, I had a pretty good idea what was inside. I slowly removed the lid off the box and revealed a royal blue lace teddy. It didn't take much for Eddie to persuade me to model the gift for him and it wasn't long before he had ripped it off of me and had me against the wall.
Our married life started just like every day before, I woke up alone. I never told Eddie how much that bothered me, and he was never astute enough to pick up on my signals.
~~~
I'm lying beside you just thinkin' 'bout us
Too tired to go to sleep
I'm too much in love
I know I'm crazy but I can't close my eyes
I'm scared you won't be there
in the morning when I rise
~~~
Maybe that is what's wrong with us now. I can't help the thoughts that run through my mind as I turn over and see the man lying next to me. I know what it feels like to wake up alone, but I roll out of bed and slip on my robe despite the knowledge. "I wish I could just let him go," I whisper to myself as I pause in the doorway, watching him sleep. I know I'm letting my past relationship jeopardize my future, but the fears from the past continue to haunt.
I sit in the kitchen sipping the orange juice I had just poured. I hear the unmistakable sounds of movement in my bedroom and know I'll be seeing him soon. My mind immediately flashes to the look I'll be seeing in minutes, the look of hurt and disappointment when he finds me in the kitchen again. The guilt I've been feeling immediately deepens when he walks out of the room with a slight smile on his face. He makes his way across the house and I know I can't keep going like this. I have to talk to him.
"Lindsey has a sleepover tonight, doesn't she?"
I nod my head in agreement, but remain silent, waiting for the next question.
"Why are you up so early?"
This is my opportunity. Do I chicken out or start the conversation I've been dreading?
"Gil, we need to talk?"
~~~
Baby be there
~~~
Poor choice of words on my part. I could see the heartache clearly written across Gil's face, and I'm not sure this conversation is going to do anything to change that. But I have to tell him or I'm going to continue losing my sanity.
"I need to talk to you, to share something with you. Please?" I hate the tone of my voice. I'm begging, pleading for him to listen to me. I know he doesn't like to talk about feelings, but if I don't tell him what I'm feeling I doubt I'll be able to come out of this downward spiral.
My eyes start to water as Gil turns his back to me and walks out of the room. I can't watch him anymore, so I turn around and wait for the sound of the door closing. I stand in silence until the curiosity gets to me. Turning around, I feel my jaw drop open at the sight before me. There was Gil, sitting on the couch waiting for me. He didn't leave.
Ignoring the tears streaming down my cheeks, I blindly make my way out of the kitchen to stand in front of him. I'm uneasy with starting this conversation, but I've gone this far and I know I can't back away now.
I take my place beside him, twisting my body so I am facing his side. I take a few breaths trying to calm myself. A move I know is in vain.
"I know you don't like to talk about emotions, but I'm not like that, Gil. I have to talk about this or I'm going to go insane. And you don't have to respond, I just need you to be here and to listen to me. No interruptions though or I might not get through this. Can you do this for me?" My eyes turn to his, hoping to see affirmation in them.
Our eyes lock and I can tell he's trying to determine what I'm going to say, what the evidence is going to tell him. I close my eyes, trying to hide my emotions and await his verbal agreement. I open my eyes at the contact and see his larger hands wrapped around mine. I lift my head and see him nod in agreement.
~~~
Who do you dream about
Are you alone in your sleep
To who will you reach out, oh let it be me
~~~
"It started when I met Eddie. I knew I was just working in the clubs to get the money for college. I had a plan." I couldn't help the slight chuckle that escaped as I revealed this. "The plan flew out the window when I met Eddie, he changed my entire life. I'm not saying I'd change anything, but it wasn't what I had planned. He knew exactly how to play my vulnerable side. When I look back on our relationship…I've realized there is very little I fully remember. Most of our time was spent under the influence of one substance or another. What I remember most thought is waking up. I always woke up by myself."
I pause to watch his face. I know I'm no better then Eddie right now, but I want to change that, and I need to be sure that Gil knows I'm trying. I can't read the look in his eyes. For the first time his eyes are completely closed off to me. I just hope somewhere he is still listening to the words I'm compelled to reveal.
"Not once, in the 18 years I've known Eddie, have I ever woken up next to him. Not even on the day of our wedding. Either of them."
"What?!"
I see the look of shock on Gil's face at this revelation. It's bad enough to admit that I married the louse once, but I actually stupidly made the same mistake twice. I am the definition of insanity…maybe there really isn't much hope for me, but I have to try anyway.
"I know, I know. It isn't really something I'm proud of, probably why I never told you before now. But that wasn't the point I was trying to make. Not once did he remain in bed long enough for me to wake up next to him. He never noticed how much this hurt me, and now here I am doing the same thing to you. I don't want to… that's why I wanted to talk to you. Get this out in the open."
I feel his hands tighten on mine and the hope I have placed in this man grows stronger.
~~~
Now baby you're my obsession,
my addiction, my drug
Don't wanna be without you
when I wake up, oh yeah
~~~
"I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter. I was sleeping… why would it matter where he was? But it did matter. I wanted someone to wake up to. I still do. And now I find myself lying next to you, watching you sleep. I keep trying to figure out what's going through your mind, trying to find out what you're thinking. And then I panic. I could handle waking up without Eddie, but I don't know if I can handle waking up without you. So I leave… because I don't want to give you the chance to leave me first."
"Catherine…"
"No, please, Gil. Let me continue. I know what I've been doing is wrong, and apologies aren't enough. That's why I wanted to explain my actions. At least try to give you some understanding to what has been going through my mind." My words drift off as I try to decide where I want to go from here. "Did you know you are the first man I've ever made love to?"
"I know that isn't…"
"Yes it is, Gil. I've never been with a man who loved me completely. The men I've been with fucked my body, they never made love to me. I didn't know what the difference was until I met you. To love someone with your entire being. I still get overwhelmed when I think of just how deep my feelings for you run."
~~~
You're so close to me, but I feel so alone
The more I touch you, the more I want
Don't know what to do
about me lovin' you
But I pray to God that you feel it too
~~~
I don't know what to say next. I don't know if there is anything left to say at this time. I've revealed my deepest fears to Gil and what I really want is to hear him say that he still loves me. That we can work through this, and become even closer then we are now.
"Catherine?"
I bring my eyes to his at the sound of my name. I smile as I see the love radiating from him.
"Can I speak now? Or do you have more that you want to say?"
I try to speak but I feel my throat tightening with the emotions that are overwhelming my body. I nod my head and try to focus on what he is about to say.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner? Don't answer that… it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you are talking to me now. You are my dreams, Catherine. I've been dreaming about you since the day I met you, and those dreams have only intensified as we've grown closer."
I feel myself moving closer. I have waited far to long for this, and now that we've come this far, I know where I want this conversation to go.
~~~
I wanna love you forever
Don't want a love that's now or never
Can't you see you've got me
Down on the floor
I want more, more, more
~~~~
I quickly remove myself from his grasp. I wasn't planning on doing this, but something is telling me that now is the right time. I stand before him and as I get ready to speak, change my mind again. I want to do this right, even if it does seem backwards. I lower myself to the floor and rise to my knees before continuing.
"Gil…"
His eyes widen, and I hope it's not in terror.
"I love you. I want to wake up with you, I want to know that we are here, for each other. I want forever. I want you." I feel my throat tighten as I choke out my next words. "Will you marry me?"
I feel myself being pulled into his embrace. His lips come crashing down on mine in the one kiss I am sure to remember for the rest of my life. The kiss that changed my life. The kiss that told me he accepted my proposal, he accepted my fears, and he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
~~~
Will you be there in the morning
Will you be there when I want you
Will you be there when I wake up
~~~
I could feel the warmth next to me as I slowly opened my eyes. My smile was forming before I could focus on anything. He was there, I knew it. And I could feel the elation in my heart as I knew, I had finally found my forever.